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The Wonders in My Head By: Eden Williams
Reflective Essay In my portfolio, I have laid out the pieces that I am most proud of. There are some of them that relate an inanimate object to something towards a feeling. Then there are some that are specifically about something or someone. I use writing as a coping mechanism for the emotions and trauma I experience. “The Wonders in My Head” takes you on a journey that will make you think. “Her” and “Abecedarius for Mercedez” are about an extremely tragic event that has happened in my lifetime. When my emotions finally hit me, I took it out in writing and made two beautiful pieces of poetry. This was my way of coping through my heartache these past few months. These two pieces carry my heart with them. “Bridges” is one of my metaphoric poems. This one takes an object and relates to something that deals with emotion or feeling. I wrote this poem relating bridges to promises and burning bridges to broken promises. This is one out of three of my poems that I have gotten noticed for. “Record” is another metaphoric poem that leans towards the relationship side of emotions and feelings. “Bridges” and “Record” both received a certificate from Cowley because of a contest I entered. “Depression At Its Finest” is my oldest poem in this entire portfolio. I wrote this one about how it’s like no one understands depression, but in the end you will never have to go through it alone. Scholastic liked this poem and published it in one of their books. It’s my only published poem “Time Bomb” was one of my first coping poems I wrote recently. When the tragic event first happened, this was the first piece I wrote. Relating time with someone to a bomb, how it will always be limited.
Abecedarius for Mercedez” All the things I wish I said Burrowing the events in my head Coming to the realization that you’re gone Determined to prove them wrong Everything in me wishes for you to be alive Fighting the truth Girly, I miss you How could he have done that to you I never got to say goodbye Just once I’d like to talk to you Kill my obsessive thoughts
Let go of all the anger I have towards myself Many will just call me crazy No one sees this, how I do Only I want to believe you’re still alive Please come back to me Quit keeping it on the low that you’re still here Run away from him; he’s not safe Stop getting yourself into dangerous spots Time to face reality Understand that she is gone Very much gone Will I ever be okay again? “X” marks the spot of my answer You were a major part of my life Zealous to find you alive
“Things I’ve Loved” Spring rain, when it rains for days at a time and it’s common to see rainbows. Summer rain, when it’s just rain rather than a full thunderstorm. Fall rain, the nice cool rain where I get cold. Seasons changing, the beautiful scenic places with each season transition. The color purple, it can appear in the evening sky and create a beautiful hue around anything. Sunsets, the beautiful gradient of colors in the west horizon. Music, it drowns out negativity around me and puts my feelings into words. Driving at night, the wind in my hair with the windows rolled down; the music blaring from the speakers making the car vibrate. Sour candy, preferably Sour Patch Kids with their sour exterior and sweet interior. Caffeine, the legal drug that keeps me awake when I barely sleep some nights. Night sky full of stars, the amazing pictures that can be found if you look in the sky. Romance stories, they always remind me that there is real love out there and that I just must be patient to find it. Puzzles, they remind me of my mind and the way that I think. Jeans, the way I look in them always puts me at a loss for words. Combat boots, I feel powerful when I walk in them. I feel like I’m the boss. Pickles, that are filled with tart juice and can be made into about anything. Halloween, my favorite time of the year when the leaves turn colors, and everything is scary. The month of November, the month of my birthday and when the seasons usually change from fall to winter. Comforting arms wrapped around me, they make me feel okay and safe when everything else seems to go wrong. Laying under the stars, I can see the pictures in the sky and the sight of a shooting star is mesmerizing. Playing in the rain, I love the rain soaking my hair and dripping down my skin.
“Bridges” The bridge you took down Set the other on fire Now not a single sight Not even a faint sound It hits like a thousand gunshots Piercing my every nerve and vein Making me bleed within my mind Trying to fight this battle Only to leave me in dust and sorrow
My battle cry only heard By those who are my soldiers Those who stuck by through the tough times Why was it so important? To tear down the bridge you built To burn the bridge that hurt more than fix To choose me for the blame If I caused so much damage If I pulled you into If I am to blame for everything that happened I thought why don’t I just disappear If I am the burden of everything and everyone If this is what I get for helping myself If this is what I get for doing what you told me Then what’s the point
Why don’t I just shut off my feelings? Why don’t I just shut off my emotions? Why don’t I just put on a stickered smile? A glue-on smile? A pinned up positive attitude? Since I hurt more than help Since I’m such a burden for helping myself for once Is it better if I just focus on others? Pay no attention to myself? As my health’s already deteriorating My chest burns with fake fire My heart pounds like unneeded bombs Shaking like a dip into broken frozen water Rain clouds of violent storms wash over my eyes Tightening grips grab my body like angry pythons Throwing my heart around like a football
Maybe in the silence, peace will be made Maybe going ghost will fix everything Why did you take down a bridge that already burned?
“Record” Round and Round Stuck in an endless cycle The music continues to play It won’t stop His words cut like knives His actions feel like the needle moving across the rigid bumps The machine is jammed There is no escape Love is a record When it’s in a jammed machine You can’t just stop the music and leave It’s stuck on the turntable It’s worn down with cracks and bandages You try so carefully to remove the stuck disc Being stabbed by rough bumps that strike you violently It seems as if it’ll hurt more if you pull it off
“Depression At Its Finest” Everyone yells at you for nothing Always surrounded in someone else’s stupid mistakes Always being engulfed by someone’s tears Never your own, No one has time for yours, not ever No time to hear your screams and cries You’re left in the shadows like those before you The arms of darkness pull you back when you try to break free You can’t escape Something always makes you want to come crawling back Someone has to always drag you back into the dark place where you started To put you back into your “proper place” The place where you apparently belong You can feel the weight of the world wearing you down Making you weaker inside your precious soul Everyone expects you to be somebody Somebody you’re not Then others say to be yourself But how are we supposed to be ourselves if people always bring us down That question is one can only be answered by how you want to present yourself And you’re not alone
“Time Bomb” Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock It can only be a moment Sometimes an hour A minute Even a single second Being with someone is limited As if it were a ticking bomb You don’t know when that final moment will come You can try to disarm the bomb
You can try to think of what you could do To stop the timer You spend as much time with them as possible Until the unknown timer runs out You think of all the good memories you had All the ups and downs All the fun times where it seemed like time stopped Like nothing else mattered, but that moment Why did your timer have to go off? It wasn’t your time yet Why was your timer tampered with? You didn’t deserve it I enjoyed my limited time with you
I still wish it didn’t go off yet I’ll always remember our memories Our amazing talks Our endless friendship Our inseparable bond Being with someone has a time limit A timer no one can see A timer no one notices Until the last second That last moment It’s a timed bomb Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock
“Her” Sometimes it feels good to get away It feels relieving when your heart turns cold It’s like all your light is gone, there is just darkness Your world is changing Thunder in the background, you can smell the rain But all you can think about is her All I can think about is her I don’t feel the same ever since she went away The only calming sound is the falling rain
She keeps me from turning cold I’m trying to adapt to the changing She won’t let me fall into the darkness Don’t let me fall victim to the darkness I need to be with her I don’t like this changing Don’t take her away She protects me from the cold On my face, I feel the cool drops of the rain I find it peaceful, the rain It keeps my sanity from falling into the darkness The feeling keeps me warm from the cold The thoughts of her Nothing can keep me away
Nothing can stop the changing I think I can accept the change Watching it happen as my tears fall with the rain My thoughts making my smile go away My head falling into the darkness Of my thoughts, all of them are about her I’m shaking, but not because my hands are cold Her body is cold Like ice, my life is changing I can’t let go of her I want to be at peace like the rain I no longer want to be in the darkness I want to make the pain go away
I can’t keep myself away, from my heart that’s cold I can’t hide from the darkness, I must accept the changing Just like the rain, I’ll fall with her
“No matter how bad the storm gets, there’s always a rainbow on the other side.”