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A Collection of Spoken Word by Monique O Bryant WALKING THROUGH CLOSED DOORS

This book is a collection of spoken word poems that walks through my life of feeling alone abandon hurt discouraged angry and without an identity I chose to live but to do that I had to understand one thing We have to lose ourselves to find ourselves Life sometimes Carry US and Sometimes We Carry Life IT shapes us into Incredible People and it also TRAUMATIZED Us to the Point of Crippling Us That s where We lose our VOICE and Courage but some of Us have a Hard time Establishing that VOICE because there were roadblocks setup before we knew how to be Healthy our roadside assistance I call them Powerful Women I am saying be Gentle with You Take your time with You and Speak to you Daily Walk This Journey With Me

TABLE OF CONTENTS Rape 4 6 Unattainable 7 8 Depression 9 10 Lost 11 12 Sista s 13 14 Rights 15 16 Accountability 17 18 Self 19 20 Monique69 21 24 Identity 25 26 Walking Through 27 28 Closed Doors

RAPE The Night I Die Not from Words but A type of Violence that Violated My Body key Word it was my Body Rape I Lost I Lost My Soul In the Mist of all of it I Lost Carolyn Rape came in like a Hurricane Rape left total Destruction that shattered my Mind and my Beliefs No tears and No Screams tho Rape caught me off Guard Man I didn t know how Death felt until that Moment RAPE HAD STOLEN MY LIFE I didn t know how to talk to Rape My Body was No longer Mine My Soul was No longer in touch with the World How will I ever find peace because In My head was too much Noise No Tears and No Screams tho

How Dare you Steal my Innocence Rape How Dare you make Me forget about my Dreams Rape How Dare you turn me into something else Total Destruction HOW DARE YOU DRUG ME I WAS PREGNANT No tears and No screams tho Rape What do I do with this Passion This This Passion of Anger this lost of Self This Passion of Depression Thissss thought of No one will ever love Me This This No Tears and No Screams tho No one Believes No one can Restore No One No one can hear my Screams as a Woman No One understands My Anger that Lingers Because My Soul is Constantly fighting with My Mind Tears Tears Tears that No One can see

Rape You have taken so much from Me I have given You my All I have kept you Alive in My Soul I have let you thrive where you should have Died Oh My God Destruction I Dropped to the Floor I locked the Door I Decided I Decided to take My Own Life Screams Screams Screams Flooded Me LET THAT SHIT GO I can t be a Prisoner No More That Anger Does not belong to me No More Healing Forgiving Processing I Am Rape No longer lives in My Soul No More

UNATTAINABLE Man what is LIFE It is given and misunderstood misused and then it s given Away Do WE VALUE LIFE Do WE RESPECT LIFE Do We feel that that Life was a GIFT WE SET LIMITATIONS ON US WE VIOLATE OUR EXISTENCE WHAT IS LIFE WE DON T EMBRACE THE SIMPLE THINGS BECAUSE WE ARE CHASING THE HARD THINGS TO SMELL A ROSE IS TAKEN FOR GRANTED UNTIL THAT ROSE DOESN T EXIST ANYMORE TO BE ABLE TO TO WALK TO BREATHE THE AIR IN AN OUT OUT AND IN SIMPLE THINGS LIFE GIFTS RESPECT DO WE FEEL SUFFOCATION AT TIMES BECAUSE WE FEEL TRAPPED IN OUR OWN MIND OF UNCERTAINTY OR TRAPPED IN OUR OWN BODY BECAUSE WE CAN T ESCAPE THE PAIN OF PAIN OR PAIN OF LIFE

DO WE TRULY TREASURE WHAT WE ARE GIVEN LIFE CAN BE TAKEN IN A SECOND BUT WE SPEND A LIFETIME WASTING IT DO WE LIVE TO DIE OR DIE TO LIVE LIVING IS UP TO YOU SOME PATHS ARE DIFFERENT COMPLETELY BUT WHAT YOU COMPLICATE IS WHAT YOU BURY LIFE

DEPRESSION TODAY THE SUN WAS SOOOO BRIGHT MY SOUL FELT LIKE IT WAS RIGHT I JUMPED OUT OF BED FEELING THAT ENERGY ENERGY MY SMILE GLOWED AS MY BODY FLOWED MY MIND HAS SO MANY FANTASIES MY ANGER OVERCAME ME AGAIN I COULDN T PUT MY FINGER ON IT BECAUSE I WAS BATTLING SO MANY DEMONS I TRIED TRIED TIRED OF BEING IN A WORLD OF FAKING TO SMILE IN WHEN I HAD NO ENERGY NO NO THAT WAS A ILLUSION OF ME I SAID THAT WAS A ILLUSION OF ME A DREAM THAT I CONTINUE TO HAVE A PLACE I CAN T SEEM TO EMBRACE BUT EACH MOMENT I FEEL LIKE I AM DYING SOME DAYS I CAN T ESCAPE ME SOME DAYSI CAN T SLEEP AND I AM EXTREMELY FATIGUE BY MORNING TO ENGAGE WITH SOMEONE IS A DAMN NEAR IMPOSSIBLE IT TAKES ALL MY ENERGY

MY EXISTENCE TO GET ANYONE TO SEE ME IS DAMN IMPOSSIBLE BECAUSE MY NIGHTMARES ARE REAL HOW DO I TELL ANYONE MY STORY OF ME I M NOT READY I M NOT READY TO DEAL WITH THE REALITY OF ME WHAT IS MY REALITY WHEN I CAN T CONTROL MY SADNESS THAT S LIKE A TSUNAMI WITH NO WARNING NO WARNING BUT YOU WANT TO CONTROL ME WITH PILLS IS THAT MY REALITY SOME DAYS I CAN T ESCAPE ME SOME DAYS I PLANNED MY MURDER I AM HONEST WITH ME BECAUSE IT S MY STRUGGLE WITH ME ONE DAY I WHISPERED TO A YOUNG LADY NO JUDGEMENTS NOTHING FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I FELT SAFETY MY MENTAL HEALTH WAS NOT A CRIME I DIDN T HAVE TO OWN THE LABEL OF BEING ANGRY ANYMORE I AM HERE It Took One Person to See Me It Took One Person to TAKE MY HAND IT TOOK ONE PERSON TO MAKE ME DECIDE TO LIVE

LOST LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU HOW I GOT So LOST WHERE I STUMBLED THEN I FELL INTO A HOLE SO DEEP WHERE CATCHING MY BREATH Was forgotten It s so Easy to be forgotten when the POWER in You is BROKEN where You may feel it can NEVER be RESTORED You Don t Know HOW to Ask You Don t Know How to Fix Y O U SHAME JUST CREEPS IN L O S T WE WORRY ABOUT THE PEOPLE forgetting about US BUT THE WORST PAIN OF ALL IS WE Are FORGETTING ABOUT OURSELVES CAN I RECOVER FROM LOST IN THE PATH IN THE MIDDLE LOST IN WHAT SEEM TO BE THE END RECOVER RECOGNIZE YOUR STEPS UNDERSTAND YOUR STEPS YOU MAY BE WALKING ON EGGSHELLS OF YOUR LIFE EVEN WITH A LIFE JACKET ON IT CAN BE FINAL YESSSS YOU ARE IN UNCHARTED WATERS THAT ARE ROUGH WE ALL HAVE BEEN THERE IT S OKAY YOU WILL BE FLOATING ONE DAY IT WILL BE OKAY TO BE OKAY

THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY I KNOW YOU ARE DROWNING IN THIS THING WE CALL LIFE YOUR BATTLES HAS BEEN FIERCE YOUR BATTLES HAS BEEN COMPLICATED YOUR BATTLES HAS BEEN DEADLY I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO CRY I GIVE YOU A PRESCRIPTION TO SCREAM I CAN HOLD YOUR HANDS AS YOUR SEARCHING THROUGH THIS HELL OF UNCHARTED TERRIOTORY YOU DON T NEED DIRECTIONS YET IT S OKAY TO GRIEVE HONEY THE PICTURES YOUR PAINTING IS YOUR PICTURE JUST DON T STOP PAINTING SOMETIMES YOU WON T RECOGNIZE WHAT THE HELL YOU PAINT THAT S OKAY RECOVER Y O U IT S ABOUT JUST RECOVERING Y O U THE POWER OF UNCERTAINITY HEAL THE CRACKS THE BRUISES IT S OKAY

SISTA S SISTA S The Most Fortunate thing in Your LIFE will be to have a Relationship with A WOMAN Women are a FOUNDATION To Establish a Bond of SISTERHOOD that will last a lifetime Women who become your Confidant in many ASPECTS of your life BestGirl in Times of LIFE changing Events Even in times of Exhaustion to having A Ear to the Length of a Glass of Wine There will be times You both will Cry with No APOLOGIES The SISTERHOOD extension grows to your Children where the Family lines are Blurred but Stronger than Ever I Didn t just come across these Women These Women are Superheroes with their Own BATTLES Glory They are Mothers Business Women WIVES Sisters Grandmother s They just Show UP for ME with No Explanation IT IS NOT ABOUT ANYTHING BUT the Core of SISTA S being Sisters The bottom line is when You Hurt I Hurt because I am here to uplift YOU and Catch You if you Fall I am not in a Position to Quit on You

I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED A SISTERHOOD of such Magnitude I NEVER let My Guard Down or let anyone get Close to Me with the Ability to Destroy Me See I had DEMONS OF DEMONS on MY Plate that took up the WORLD A Sickness that I Ran from but I couldn t Out Run them In the same breath I had Women just Hold My Hand MY HAND when I wasn t Able to Release the HORRORS I was ENDURING in My PERSONAL life or even What I ENDURED in My PAST NO JUDGEMENT I just Didn t Come Across these Women See I was Truly Blessed with a Bond BOND

RIGHTS THE POWER OF ME IS CHALLENGING at times I seem to Not want to let Go I Hold on to the PAIN LIKE IT S MY BIRTH RIGHT BIRTH wasn t even My RIGHT see NO GLORY IN BEING A BABY because it was CHALLENGING at TIMES No Strength at being a CHILD because I was VIEWED as a WHORE NO VOICE AS WOMAN because Everyone took MY SOUL While I DIED ALIVE Challenging at TIMES I tell You NOW WHAT WAS MY BIRTHRIGHT PAIN ANGER RESENTMENT HATE I CARRIED PAIN OPENLY at TIMES THEN I SUPPRESSED IT TO THE POINT OF SUFFOCATION where I COULDN T REMEMBER IT I BECAME totally Unreasonable Unavailable Unrecognizable but I Never Had A SENSE OF SELF The POWER OF ME was CHALLENGING at TIMES Birth was it AN Accident or was it on Purpose No GLORY IN BEING ME BIRTH WASN T EVEN MY RIGHT

SELF I M NOT SAYING I DIDN T HAVE A RIGHT TO PAIN NOT SAYING THAT I just COULDN T Breathe through it I I LIVED IN DARKNESS but DEATH was MY DREAM THAT THAT RAPE as A Child REALLY SHAPED ME but That RAPE as AN ADULT DESTROYED ME from BECOMING A WOMAN A WOMAN WHO DIDN T BELIEVE OR TRUST ANYONE NOT EVEN HERSELF I JUST REFUSED TO LET ANYONE SEE ME MY SPIRIT I FELT WEAK THAT S NOT ALLOWED THAT S NOT ALLOWED YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO PAIN MY LIFE AND PAIN WAS CONTROLLED AND DICTATED TO WHERE I LOST CONTROL TWENTY FOUR SEVEN BIRTH WASN T EVEN MY RIGHT I M JUST TELLING YOU PAIN DIDN T HAVE A RIGHT TO OWN ME I HAVE A RIGHT TO HEAL I AM CAPABLE OF LOVE I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE BE LOVED I HAVE A RIGHT TO FORGIVE but that was CHALLENGING at times for ME MANY TIMES What We Hold On to Sometimes Mold Us What What we Let Go can Also Save our lives

ACCOUNTABLILITY I FELT THAT I FELT IT WASN T MY FAULT I FELT ACCOUNTABILITY IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO MYSELF I FELT THAT ANGER I FELT I WANTED PEACE IN MY LIFE WE NEED TO BE ACCOUNTABLE WE NEED TO HAVE ACCEPTANCE IN WHO WE ARE TO STAND UP STAND TO RECOGNIZE THAT WE PLAY A PART IN OUR OWN PAIN THAT WE PLAY A PART IN OUR OWN PEACE THAT WE PLAY A PART EVEN IN OUR OWN DEMISE MAN I FELT THAT IT S NOT IT WAS NOT MY FAULT BUT DON T BE SCARED OF THE REALITY OF HOW LONG WE HANG ON TO its wasn t My FAULT THAT DEFINITELY CAN MAKE US GO INSANE DO WE KNOW HOW TO WAKE UP UNLESS YOU ARE NOT READY TO BE AWAKEN UNLESS CONTINUOUS SELF DESTRUCTION EVERY DAY WILL NOT BE YOUR FAULT FAULT RESPONSIBILITY I AM NOT SAYING THAT YOU SHOULDN T FEEL THAT Because I FELT THAT I FELT THIS WHEN I SAID NOOOOO I DECIDED NOT TO BE VIOLATED ANYMORE I FELT THIS WHEN I LEFT ALL MY SHHHHHHIT

I FELT THIS WHEN I SAID YOU THINK THIS ABUSE WAS GOING TO LAST FOREVER I FELT THIS WHEN I GREW UP SOMETIMES HANGING ON IS ALSO YOUR ENEMY DESTROYING YOUR ENERGY TO EXISTENCE I I FELT SOOOO MUCH EMOTION GIRL I TELL YOU THIS IS HOW HOW I I DO I GOT ME A NEW PLACE SEE I TURN THAT ANGER INTO MOTIVATION FEEL ME I FORGAVE FROM THE TOP TO THE BOTTOM Around the Damn Corner I Left Nothing Unturned I DIDN T TAKE ANY UNWANTED SHHHIT WITH ME I TOOK MY FEARS MY MY and THOSE LIMITATIONS WHERE I ADDRESS THEM DAILY on the DAILY I JUST USE MY POWER TO CONQUER MY STEPS STEPS steps I AM ON F I R E I SAY CONQUER YOUR DEMONS DEMONS THAT PEACE BE THE HERO IN YOUR LIFE THAT IS MY ASSIGNMENT ASSIGNMENT HELL YEA I FELT THAT

SELF THE GIFT OF SELF IS TRULY An AMAZING BLESSING OF SELF DISCOVERY NOT SINGLE and MINGLING A TRUE MINDSET NOT MARRIED and forgetting about You it s Always US The DISCOVERY of SELF is Basically being Reborn Enjoying YOU SELF We are Always last I am completely Comfortable with Me I Adore My Company At first I Didn t know Me Confused by Me I was Scared of Me That was Truly a Understatement Truthfully I was Terrified of Me My FAMILY LABELS DEFINED Me Work Defined Me MEN MEN DEFINED ME WOMEN DEFINED ME MY WEIGHT DEFINED ME MY FRECKLES even DEFINED ME I Had DEFINED ME I forgot I EXISTED I had NO ROOM TO KNOW ME

I THOUGHT I THOUGHT With All these DAMN DEFINITIONS of Me Who the HELL could I Be I had NOT only a Responsibility to Me but an OBLIGATION TO KNOW ME ABUSE STRIPPED Me ANY OF MY knowledge of SELF from BIRTH Then IT continues for Decades KNOWLEDGE IS POWER No Delusional there just It s time Truly to DEFINITELY DEFINE WHAT I STAND for Who am I Not Not Storytelling Nothing Fictional Just Highways two ways streets unpaved ROADS even Construction Signs with Maybe a little Detour But I Need to know Me at Any Age I Need to EMBRACE what I EMBODY I am meeting Me for the 1st time I found Me NOW I AM OBLIGATED TO BE ME

MONIQUE69 Hahaha that s Me I SMILE TODAY I LAUGH LAST NIGHT WOO BABY WHATTTT EVERY MOMENT IS AN EVENT IN MY LIFE DOWN TO CHANGING MY Hmmmmmm HAHAHA I will Not Accept anything Less because I am Definitely NOT IT EVENT To going to the Grocery Store I EMBRACE THE JOURNEY in this GIRL I am AN EVENT I told You TO THE WAY I DANCE IN THE MIRROR to R B IN JUST MY T SHIRT sipping My TEA YESSS YESSS I AM NAKED MY SOUL IS NAKED MY MIND IS NAKED MY LAUGHTER IS SOOOO DAMN NAKED CHILD

SEE I DON T Identify with Who I am Not I just COME HOME ONCE A WEEK And Get in Touch with My VISION MY VIBE AT NIGHT IT S JUST NOT ABOUT ME IT S ABOUT ME IT S ABOUT A FREEDOM I NEVER HAD IN MY SKIN OR EVEN MY HOME I SIT MY ASS DOWN IN THE LIVING ROOM ON THE FLOOR I GET DIRTY I EAT My REESE PEANUT BUTTER Cup FLURRY IN MY DAMN HMMMMMM HAAAA EVENT I AM OWNING ME OWNING ME HER SHE THAT CHICK WHO IS ON F I R E FOR REAL FOR REAL I AM JUST BEING A GIRL WHO FOUND HER LAUGHTER NAKED

I REFUSED TO TAKE AWAY ANYTHING FROM THAT MY EXISTENCE WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT SIZES SHADES AN HEIGHTS I M NOT GOING TO DISRESPECT ME OR GO OUT OF MY WAY TO JUDGE MY BEAUTY I FOUND HOPE THROUGH PAIN and RESTORED something IN Me ME That s DEFINITELY IT My BEAUTY is My Ingredients My BEAUTY is My V I B E MY BEAUTY IS NAKED WITH SENSE OF COURAGE CHILD I TAKE A LEAST SIX PICTURES A DAY SOME DAYS IT S TRULY A PHOTO SHOOT DAY HAHAHA I TOLD YOU I WAS AN EVENT I OWN THE RIGHTS TO ME ME

Nothing but OWNING ME I CHALLENGE MYSELF EVERY DAY I DON T LISTEN TO GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHY YOU SO BUSY SLOW DOWN SLOW DOWN I AM LIVING I AM LAUGHING I DIDN T FORGET ME INSECURITIES WASN T ON MY AGENDA TODAY JUST BEAUTY I SAW ME TODAY First TIME IN FORTY ONE YEARS ME

IDENTITY WHAT is IN A NAME WHAT is IN A NAME WE KILL TO KNOW OUR IDENTITY TO KNOW WHERE WE BELONG in SOCIETY OR WITHIN BUT DOES IDENTITY Means LOOKING LIKE SOMEONE ELSE DOES IDENTITY MEAN Having THEIR NAME IDENTITY CAN SHAPE US IDENTITY CAN ALSO DESTROY US Does IDENTITY GIVE US PEACE I SAY WHAT IS IN A NAME TRUTH RIGHT OR WRONG WE CAN KNOW WHERE WE BELONG AND STILL HAVE NO IDENTITY WE CAN CALL YOU MOM OR DAD AND STILL NOT BELONG WE CAN SAY SPOUSES OR SIGNIFICANT OTHER BUT WHAT IS TRULY IN A NAME IDENTITY IS WRAPPED UP IN SO MANY SOOOO MANY CHARACTERISTICS OF HOW WE OPERATE IN THIS WORLD IDENTITY IS SOMETIMES A SIMPLE LITTLE WORD THAT CAUSE HAVOC

WE LOSE SIGHT ON THESE WORDS WHERE WE PROJECT NEGATIVITY AT TIMES BECAUSE IDENTITY IS ALSO EXPLAIN AS A STATION IN LIFE OF WHOM YOU ARE ON A SIMPLE LITTLE GIRL OR BOY WHERE IT BECOMES COMPLICATED PAINFUL DESTRUCTIVE OR EVEN MAKE US CONFUSED DOWN To THE COLOR OF OUR SKIN TO THE WAY WE WEAR OUR HAIR TO THE POINT OF HOW BIG WE ARE To the Questions of Did You Eat today because I SEE YOUR BONES We Struggle EVERY Day with IDENTITY NAME I DON T HAVE An IDENTITY BECAUSE I AM TRAPPED IN WHERE DO I BELONG AS A WOMAN I STRUGGLE WITH IDENTITY AS A MAN BECAUSE I DON T WANT TO BE VIEWED AS anything Less MY SCARS WERE TO DEEP AS MY WOUNDS WERE SUFFOCATING MY EXISTENCE AS I BOUNCE FROM CHILD TO WOMAN TO WOMAN TO CHILD TO MAN TO BOY FROM BOY TO MAN IDENTITY

WALKING THROUGH CLOSED DOORS LIFE SOMETIMES WILL NOT HAND YOU THE MOST BEAUTIFUL VERSION OF IT SELF BUT THAT SHOULDN T STOP You FROM BECOMING THE MOST BEAUTIFUL VERSION OF YOURSELF SEE We BATTLE with ourselves on How to Open A CLOSED DOOR WHEN WE SHOULD USE OUR POWER to Always Walk through Any Door It s Not about the DOOR but the Knowledge of Representation of WHAT You are Capable of Unfortunately and Understand this I STARTED FROM THE SOIL WITH NO APOLOGIES I ENDURED MANY CUTS AND BRUISES I ENDURED THINGS AS A CHILD Should NEVER have to be Put through The HORRORS OF UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE LIFE DIDN T GIVE ME THE MOST BEAUTIFUL VERSION PEOPLE DIDN T GIVE ME THE MOST SAFEST VERSION I DID REMEMBER ALL THE VERSIONS I didn t Go Peacefully I wasn t even Listening CANCER WALKING THROUGH CLOSED DOORS I TRULY WAS A SHELL I TRULY DIED IN MY OWN SKIN

CANCER PUSHED ME BEYOND CLOSED DOORS I TRULY wasn t Listening I just STARTED SWINGING I REACHED BACK INTO MY LIFE NEVER ENVISION I WOULD REACH so Blindly into a Place that has TORMENTED Me Because I wasn t the Most Beautiful VERSION OF MYSELF SEE I PLAYED A PART IN THIS LIFE REACHED BOLDLY BLINDLY THROUGH A CLOSED DOOR TO HEAL THE LITTLE GIRL THAT DROWN Then through those CLOSED DOORS I STARTED TO RESHAPE THE WOMAN AS I was Reaching and Reaching to REACH IT S NOT ABOUT CLOSED DOORS OR OPEN DOORS OR EVEN A CRACKED DOOR IT S ABOUT YOUR JOURNEY YOUR SELF DISCOVERY IN YOUR DARKEST DAYS BELIEVE CANCER PUSHED ME BEYOND THE CLOSED DOORS I FROZE THEN I ROSE I STOPPED THEN I LET GO I WALKED AS I PRAYED THEN I SKIPPED AS I FORGAVE NOW I AM RUNNING LEARNING TO LOVE THROUGH A CONTINUOUSLY BEAUTIFUL CLOSED DOOR

Thank you for walking this journey with me As you start your journey Do not lead with anger forgive yourself before forgiving others begin your own journey of forgiveness and healing by choosing to live and not just exist