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The Divorce DilemmaFIVE PROMPTS TO HELP YOU REACH GREATER CLARITYJulia Hoffman, MA, MFT

So, my guess is you probably don’t want to be here. Iget it; this is no picnic. Determining the future of your marriage is hard.Whether you're evaluating it together or thinking aboutit alone, the question I’m often asked is, "How can I besure I’m making the right choice?"Well, my next guess is you probably already know.That said, knowing what the research says aboutdivorce and kids may help you move out of fear, andinto a decision that’s best for you and your family.It's important to emphasize that the decision to stay ina marriage or seek a divorce is a deeply personal one.This guide is not intended to influence you in anyway. Nor should anyone else in your life. You have allyou need inside you. Trust yourself. Introductioncont.

At the very beginning of my sobriety journey (6 years ago)I read it everyday. Its simple yet powerful messageshelped me let go of fear and guilt and focus on whatmight be possible. All the quotes in this guide come from that book. I hopethey also help you see what’s possible in your own life.Just take the next right step—in any direction. And feelfree to call me if you need support."The Daily Stoic" by Ryan Holiday, is a guide to stayingcalm and making wise choices, no matter what lifethrows at you. Drawing from Stoic philosophy, itemphasizes focusing on what you can control and lettinggo of what you can't.(214) 238-5173

Look inward...Am I even willing to be happy?“Are You Truly Happy in Your Marriage?”No marriage is perfect, and happiness cantake many forms—contentment, peace, joy,or connection. While your partner can't (andshouldn't) be your everything, they shouldpositively impact your life. If happiness feelsrare, it might signal that your relationshipneeds some care. 1You’re Constantly QuestioningYour Happiness

J U L I A H O F F M A N C O A C H I N GT H E D I V O R C E D I L E M M AReflect: Am I happy?“You don’t control the situation, but you controlwhat you think about it.”— The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday

You’re Staying “For the Kids”Reflect on this...Imagine talking with your child when they are anadult. What do you want them to say about thistime in their life? Is Staying Together ReallyBest for Your Children?Many parents stay together for their children'ssake, but research shows this can often do moreharm than good. An unhealthy relationship mayset a poor example for your kids, shaping theirexpectations for future relationships in ways youwouldn't want. And the tension and conflict thatcreates a stressful home environment is moreharmful than the adjustments of a well-managed divorce. Actually, many adults whoseparents stayed in a bad marriage wish theirparents had divorced. 2

Reflect: Am I staying for the kids?J U L I A H O F F M A N C O A C H I N GT H E D I V O R C E D I L E M M A“No need to be too hard on yourself. Hold yourselfto a higher standard but not an impossible one.And forgive yourself if and when you slip up.”— The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday

You’re Leading Separate LivesTake a moment to consider... Do I genuinely enjoy and seek out time with my spouse?Are You and Your Spouse More LikeRoommates Than Partners?While it’s important to nurture your ownhobbies and friendships, marriage thrives onshared experiences and deep connections. Ifyour conversations and activities mostlyrevolve around the kids or if meaningful timetogether is scarce (think two ships passing inthe night—on purpose), it might be time totake a close look at your motivations. 3

Reflect: Are we leading separate lives?J U L I A H O F F M A N C O A C H I N GT H E D I V O R C E D I L E M M AEverything is change. Embrace that. Flow with it.”— The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday

Ask yourself... Are we both truly committed to improving our marriage?Have Your Efforts to Improve the Relationship Been Successful?Marriage should be a partnership withboth people equally committed (thoughnot always at the same time or in thesame way). If you’re doing all the workwith no change, take a step back.Fighting for your marriage is admirable,but if met with indifference, continuingthe same approach may not be helpful. 4You’ve Tried to Improve Things —But Nothing Changes

Reflect: Have my efforts improved our marriage?J U L I A H O F F M A N C O A C H I N GT H E D I V O R C E D I L E M M A“If we can focus on making clear what parts of ourday are within our control and what parts are not,we will not only be happier, we will have a distinctadvantage over other people who fail to realize theyare fighting an unwinnable battle.” — The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday

Pause and reflect...Do we share common hopes anddreams for our future?Do You Fear the Future,Whether You Stay or Go?Trying to visualize the future of yourmarriage can be both overwhelming andeye-opening. Think about where you mightbe in one, five, or ten years. Do you seehappiness and unity, or are there doubts? Ifimagining a shared future feels impossible,or if the thought of divorce terrifies you, it'simportant to recognize how these fears areaffecting your marriage today. The struggleto dream together or the fear of growingapart may signal a need to reconnect.5You’re Afraid of the Future —Together or Apart

Reflect: Am I afraid of the future?J U L I A H O F F M A N C O A C H I N GT H E D I V O R C E D I L E M M A“True happiness is to enjoy the present withoutanxious dependence upon the future, not toamuse ourselves with either hopes or fears butto rest satisfied, for he that IS, wants nothing.The greatest blessings of mankind are within usand within our reach.”— The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday

Just takethe nextright step.

After reflecting on these questions and discussingthem with your spouse (if you choose), you should becloser to clarity. Remember, there's no rush to makeany decisions today. Change, whether improving yourrelationship or considering separation, takes time anddeep thought.Be kind to yourself during this process. Focus on adesire to shift from endless worry to positive action.Making a decision, whatever it may be, can relieve a lotof stress and help you see a clearer path forward.You are not alone. If you need more support orguidance, I'm here to help. Whether you decide towork on your marriage or move toward a newbeginning, my goal is to assist you in finding the bestpath for your happiness and well-being.julia@juliahoffmancoaching.com(214) 238-5173juliahoffmancoaching.comFinal Thoughts