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By Bryce Runyan 1

Table of Contents Preface 3 Stories 4 Framework 4 Teen Love Story 7 Art 11 Dictionary on Colors 11 Flaws 13 Other 14 100 Delicious Words 14 Mental Rest 15 Sensational Sonnet 17 Personal 18 Working Away My Life 18 Atlas 19 Not Sorry 21 2

Preface I love to write for fun It helps me unwind and relax as well as clear my mind of anything buzzing around I learned how to write from reading books I didn t have a phone until middle school so I spent my free time writing drawing and reading Whenever I was sad I would read until I stopped crying or until I pulled myself out of the book I consider myself an open book I m very honest and open about my life which you will learn more about as you read through my works and into my mind heart soul You ll see me ramble rant complain about being an adult talk about my upbringing and talk about how I see life I like to put myself out in the open so that others have someone to learn from and give them something to think about Sharing knowledge is a gift and I love to help others Though I am very pessimistic and sometimes nihilistic I still try to remain positive in the face of my struggles It s a struggle being positive when life likes to test you but one day I hope I can see life through rose tinted glasses and accept my struggles with grace and positivity As you read through my works I encourage you to think about my words Take what you will from it but hopefully you can learn something Please enjoy 3

Stories Framework Prince Oswald a fair young man who had recently turned 26 He was going to be crowned king once his father died which was something he was ready to do He was illprepared for the day his father died but he knew how much his father valued family tradition His father was currently ill and it was looking like he may not survive long Oswald had been prepared to become the next king since his childhood He hated being told what to do and still did though he learned how to do what he was told to nonetheless He had different ideas than his father and planned to do great things as king That was a problem for some including the king who valued tradition They often argued over dinner about politics and ideas the prince in favor of breaking traditional values whereas his father was not Don t you get tired of everything being the same he would ask in exasperation Of course not Everyone in the kingdom knows what is what and we are comfortable the way we are the king would reply angrily Are you sure that everyone is comfortable What about the poor They re just lazy It really is not hard to get a better job than what they do currently But father who would work the low paying jobs if they all got better jobs The lazy people who refused to seek a better life The king s logic made Oswald incredibly angry The blame never fell on his father and always on the people the poor people were lazy the rich were dutiful and everybody lived the way they wanted to The fantasy the king lived in was flawed but he could never see the flaws or refused to acknowledge them when he had no way to refute them Oswald wanted to make pay more fair by establishing a minimum wage so that even lazy people could live comfortably and afford to eat His father disagreed always reasoning that lazy people deserved to be poor for not contributing to the kingdom as much Father what about the corruption within your soldiers They can be paid off or bribed by rich people Oswald would point out sometimes after a mishandled crime Nonsense You heard the trial and the king would simply recite whatever the sketchy guard would say to cover up It drove the prince crazy how his father ignored the flaws the imperfections and unfair systems put in place by people so long ago that are seen as saints for creating a false utopia Some problems were so blatant that even from inside the castle Prince Oswald could see them He didn t have to be in the streets or in the slums to see that there was something wrong with the way their current rules worked He had big plans for his rule even if he was unenthusiastic about his father passing away for that to happen They may disagree but he loved his father either way One thing that he would change was the consultants and advisors His father was lazy and refused to walk through his own kingdom to seek problems to fix The consultants and advisors would go out on his behalf and come back with feedback Most of them simply praised him and told him that everything was fine Those less fortunate came back with complaints and were usually sent away quickly or told that they hadn t laid out the rules 4

well enough They were pointless if the king would do his job but of course his father wouldn t All because that s how it always was The king had one consultant in particular he favored because he sang the best praise Rago was the Head Consultant and helped the king in making decisions when they rarely happened of course Rago knew how to wrap the king around his finger when he talked even being able to bend the traditional roles in his favor a few times My lord he would always say warmly the people adore you The dukes and duchesses await your next ball and the merchants are having better times than ever Wonderful They shall not be disappointed the king would boom approvingly He loved to pat himself on the back at any chance Rago being the king s favorite often had personal conversations together From their talks Rago knew the prince detested consults and advisors which meant he would be out of his lush job once the king passed For the longest time he had fretted over it what would he do if he could no longer get paid to sing praise to the king He was no fan of the king either but he did his labors for the money and stature he carried After some time he decided he would try to usurp the prince He would convince the king to give him royalty instead The next time Rago met with the king privately he had a compelling argument built He went through the boring politics with gusto eager to present his own ideas to someone who was so easily swayed All it would take was some compliments in between suggestions as well as pointing out the disaster brought on by such a liberal son Once the politics were put aside Rago struck My lord I do have to admit that I have concerns Rago began knowing the king would be quick to listen to a jarring statement from his avid fan Concerns the king urged Yes my lord I know that you are not well You are a very strong man but the stress of leading your kingdom for such a great time is wearing on you If the wrong illness finds its way into the castle it could take you out I know Rago I do my best to stay healthy but the stress does quite the number on me I have little worry about my passing though as I know my son will step in Your highness with all due respect Prince Oswald seems unfit to rule He seems to have learned nothing about ruling like a true king He thinks that trying to serve everyone equally will be fine You and I both know it would not work out thus Nonsense I plan on getting through to him before his time comes I just have to keep reminding him how valuable tradition is the king asserted Your son does not like your traditions He refuses to understand them I would hate to see him ruin the wonderful image you have worked so hard to maintain I know that it is unfortunate how against tradition he is but I thought perhaps just once you could make your point My boy may be hard on me but I really do expect him to come around eventually but go on the king huffed Rago seemed to be losing him already Perhaps to show him how bad it is to break tradition you could use it against him Perhaps break tradition and leave your legacy to someone else Who else would be fit enough to be king the king questioned in frustration Why sire me Nobody knows you better than myself and I would love to continue your beloved traditions if your son will not Rago said as he tried to contain his excitement 5

and pride Perhaps the king would enjoy the idea of retaliating against his son s radical views by using it against him The only thing Rago needed now was for the king to not think on it too deeply That would be quite rude no I know my son has not been the best as he has grown but I am unsure if that would be a just punishment for his attitude Rago I have enjoyed our session today but I need time alone now I have grown weary from doing my duties today the king muttered waving away his consultant Rago fought off his scowl forcing himself to smile and leave with haste As the door behind him shut he grit his teeth and scoffed at the soft old and foolish king It would be harder than he thought to undermine the bratty prince which made him angry It would be much easier if the foolish king had even an ounce of resentment towards his son Then he could safely secure the crown for himself Unfortunately the king seemed to love his boy more than any disagreement they ever had This was a problem As if by miracle Rago rounded the corner and nearly bumped into the prince who was carrying a cup of tea with him Pardon he uttered stepping aside I was not watching where I was going Prince Oswald You re fine no worries Oswald said brightly smiling almost as sweetly At least the tea remains in the cup it s for father since I know he must be tired Rago simply nodded and kept walking He cursed himself for not realizing how close the king and the prince really were He had only ever heard the king worry about the prince being against his traditions He knew now that he would have to get his hands dirty and he would do it in just the right ways he would frame the prince for inciting malcontent within the people to show the king just how ruthless the radical child could be to his aging father 6

Teen Love Story Jane and Nick had been best friends since they were children They had met in elementary school when they were swinging on the monkey bars and couldn t get past one another Ever since then they had been close As kids they had practiced using the monkey bars together carefully swinging past one another until they could do it like two sheets of ice sliding by That was their sign of great friendship Of course they ran and swung together and played the best two person tag they could as kids Yet if you asked them how good of friends they were they always boated about how they could share the monkey bars and swing all they way across Later in life they no longer swung on the money bars Their dirty calloused fingers found their own passions Jane played guitar and Nick exercised recreationally They made time for each other and went to one of their houses each week Jane would bring over her guitar and strum out the song she was playing her flat fingers caressing and pressing the metal strings tenderly and the strings reciprocating by leaving ribbed streaks on the pads of her fingers If she was learning a difficult song her fingers would sometimes bleed from her excessive practice and she would have to take a break for a couple of days Nick would always bring his games over When he wasn t talking about his new personal best for deadlifts or squats or benches or whatever he was gushing about the video game he was currently hooked on He would always talk with a flaming passion while his fingers pushed and mashed the controller in his hands sometimes squeezing the life out of the plastic when he was stressing over an obstacle in the game When Jane was in the mood she would join her best friend in his gaming often playing as a companion that helped Nick in his bloody and gory adventures He liked the games where you dismembered beasts beat up creatures or killed monsters He especially was fond of the Doom series Their friendship continued well into high school Jane joined a music club to share her guitar skills and Nick joined the competitive weightlifting team He was one of the best and Jane was always there to cheer him on Jane usually got out of her club before Nick and she would always wait for him outside the locker room Each time her friend left the locker room he smelled freshly showered with a body wash that was earthy and manly One day she dared to ask about the smell Apparently it was titanium palm wind which was the most outlandish name for a scent in her opinion She started to poke fun at the smell asking if Nick thought he could lift a titanium palm tree He thought he could and swore he would if he ever found one in the wild One day after practice Nick playfully wrapped his arm around Jane to put her in a headlock She knew he was strong from lifting weights but something about the feeling of his muscles pressing against different parts of her neck made her acutely aware of how strong he really was If he flexed long enough he could strangle her She was nervous her heart pounding until she realized that it wasn t just the thought of her best friend strangling her with his big muscles She was excited to be touched by Nick embarrassed to be held close His manly body wash smelled much nicer all of the sudden and she started to feel differently about Nick She was starting to crush on him In her mind Jane thought this was a good thing She had seen plenty of romantic movies where the bubbly beautiful girl and her hot best friend grew up together and fell in 7

love and had a happy end It made her heart race her stomach flutter and her blood rush to her cheeks The idea of having a happy end made her feel like she was flying in the clouds Jane quickly realized that Nick didn t feel the same He threw his arm around her like he did with his guy friends and he was always casual His muscles were always relaxed his heartbeat steady like a clock ticking manually She was just another one of the guys one of Nick s bros Every time she saw Nick treat his guy friends like he treated her her heart sank more Her stomach fluttered less and her blood seemed to ice over and stop flowing at all Her heart ached at the fact she was in the friend zone During their junior year Jane decided she would ask Nick to prom If he liked her he would say yes or so she hoped Instead of playing guitar caressing her strings putting her soul in a calm place she would pace her room Back and forth Back and forth Stop pretend the stuffed bear on the bed is Nick Practice confessing until she realized she sounded stupid Back and forth Back and forth Try again but now she sounded whiny Back and forth Back and forth Try again but she sounded clingy Back and forth until she flopped on her bed in frustration Her one sided pining was an exhausting adventure that got her nowhere The week before prom after a successful competition Jane mustered up the courage Nick had split from his team hustling over to Jane to celebrate with her She clapped for him eyes following him as he trotted over He started to gush about the win but Jane cut him off quickly Do you wanna go to prom she spluttered a nervous smile wobbling across her face Sure Nick replied casually then went on with his excited chatter Jane was elated her heart suddenly springing to life Her blood ran wild her heart went racing her stomach doing joyous summersaults She spent the whole week practically floating everywhere she went her own little Cloud Nine under her feet Nick even agreed to color coordinate their outfits and that meant he would be wearing a purple suit to match her rippling royal purple dress She had always wanted to wear a purple dress she thought the color made her look prettier On the day of prom Jane got ready extra early making sure each strand of hair was poised perfectly She wanted everything to be neat and immaculate She wanted to go for the kill and tell Nick her feelings after they had a great evening Nick picked her up in his shaky beater car which always rattled when he idled at stop lights The keys would start to shake and rattle like jittery animals until he either held them to quiet them or started to drive Jane could relate to the car being shaky and jittery She was starting to get anxious the way Nick was so cool and casual about the whole prom arrangement At the dance the two of them stood awkwardly at the edge of the dance floor Neither of them could dance especially not like their peers The other kids were either swinging and pacing together or they were clustered into cliques where the guys would sometimes move their arms and the girls liked to shake and shimmy to show off Neither of the best friends found any of it appealing so they anxiously stepped to the beat talking back and forth over plastic Solo cups of watered down punch Even their punch swayed more gracefully than they could The only time they danced together was when the obligatory slow song came on They awkwardly held each other Jane s head pounding and spinning when Nick held her close This was a lot more romantic and intimate than any of the times he wrapped his arm 8

around her or draped himself over her This was close personal and gentle She hoped her heart wasn t beating hard enough to be felt even though it sounded like muted drums in her ears that throbbed and pounded The rest of the evening was uneventful Nick and Jane used the photo booth and got pictures together and then they mostly just ambled around awkwardly They would talk to their friends in passing but they hardly did any more dancing swaying or much moving Neither of them really felt obligated to have wild fun Prom was always considered something super important in a teenager s life but they both knew it meant nothing to each other and was basically a chaperoned house party for upperclassmen After prom the two friends went to a 24 hour breakfast restaurant and had some greasy eggs and bacon and of course pancakes They joked about the things they saw and the people that were there while they stuffed their faces shamelessly Knives on plates and cups hitting tables in between bits of conversation and laughter was much better than trying to be romantic They stole each other s food and tried to salt the other s drink by surprise lunging the salt shaker at the glass suddenly hands clasping the opening for dear life as the salt flaked everywhere and they laughed After their post prom dinner they decided to top the night off by going to the beach Their town had a small strip of beach with beautiful views and clean sand The two of them referred to the texture of the sand as sandpaper because of how large the grains were and how it hurt to get it caught between their toes It was dark so there wasn t much to see but you could still catch a cool sea breeze and listen to the waves rolling and lapping at the shore as it pushed and pulled The moon was out and there was a wobbly shaky reflection in the distant ocean Jane took off her heels As much as she disliked the rough sand her feet were killing her and she kept sinking when she walked She let them dangle from her fingers while she walked Nick did the same but his reasoning was keeping his shoes clean so his dad wouldn t kill him Tonight was fun Jane said as they walked along the edge of the water which lunged at them and spattered their ankles with cold water It was Nick said as he tousled his hair thanks for inviting me Who else would I go with I don t know maybe a crush or something Jane rolled her eyes at Nick who laughed She still wanted to tell him but she was utterly terrified of rejection He didn t seem to have any interest in her and she didn t want to ruin their relationship by trying to take it too far Who would you have gone with Jane prodded I dunno I probably wouldn t have gone You don t have anybody you would rather go with No not really Jane could feel her heart dancing excitedly At least she was a top choice and didn t have anyone to compete with She still felt like he wasn t being totally honest since he seemed so disinterested in the idea of prom if it didn t include her Jane elbowed Nick to get his attention and then pranced into the water It didn t take long for a wave to crash into her legs soaking her dress from the knee down Nick set his shoes in the sand rolled up his suit pants as far as he could then went in after his best friend She tossed her shoes next to his then tried to splash him He stumbled out of the 9

way then splashed back Jane squealed as the cold water hit her midsection making her shudder Don t start what you can t finish Nick taunted Jane took it personally and thus began their back and forth assault of splashing thrashing and hustling out of the way of the cold water Neither of them were coming out of it dry and even their hair was wet and dripping Nick was better at hitting the water for big waves but Jane was fast and rapid with her splashing After several minutes they stopped fighting and kept laughing Nick left the water to sit on the beach letting the breeze slowly dry him off Jane joined him peeling her dress off of her legs Next year I ll keep a super soaker in my car if you re gonna try that again joked Nick Jane could feel her heart start to dance again blood rushing to her face Do you really think we ll go to Senior Prom together Maybe unless you find someone else to go with I doubt you will though I m the best you re ever gonna get Oh shut up Jane groaned I m pretty sure I just tolerate you And that s why you asked me to prom Jane looked away shyly She felt like her feelings were grossly obvious and she wanted to hide them and be as cool and aloof as Nick He was always relaxed unless he was deep in his games or competitions In her mind Nick was her perfect other half They had a perfect love story and they had a perfect relationship She couldn t keep her heart from pounding and racing as she tugged at the wet pieces of dress that still clung to her legs Nick Jane said her heart starting to beat like crazy She was going to shoot her shot Hm Nick asked not really paying attention I I like you Like really like you Nick tensed up and looked over at Jane He could tell that she was blushing She looked vulnerable and she was only vulnerable when she was honest She was averting her eyes but was still watching from her peripheral to see is his face could tell signs It wasn t looking good to her because he looked panicked and confused Oh I m flattered Jane but Here comes the bad news I knew it Jane thought to herself her racing heart turning to stone and dropping right to her aching gut She wanted to run away already I m gay 10

Art Dictionary on Colors Aqua the green blue color of water named after the gemstone used for nurses and surgeons Brown the earthy color the least appealing color though a common occurring color in life Carmine the color of blood and velvet a deep red Dandelion a golden yellow color named for the plant the perfect color for the sun in crayon Emerald green the color of the gemstone often used to describe green eyes in books Fuchsia a blinding pink ish purple named after a flower named in the 16th century Green a common color the color of grass of leaves earthy tones and camouflage Hazel a red brown the color of brown eyes name of a nut the color of rich spices Ivory the off white named after a material the color of elephant tusks and considered calming Jade a soft green another kind of stone originated in China another color for eyes Khaki a neutral brown the color of uniform pants of folders first made from tea curry powder and mud on cotton pants Lavender the name of a flower a soft purple the color of elegance and femininity showing grace Mauve another soft purple derived from a flower also named mallow like the flower Navy blue a deep blue associated with the color of a night sky of air mail and women s sweaters Orange named after the fruit worn by nobility in the Elizabethan Era and the color of the Golden Gate Bridge international orange Purple a common color the color of flowers of wealth and position and of Mace Windu s lightsaber Quartz grey the color of rainy skies and dusty chalkboards of wet pavement and watered elephants 11

Rust the color of copper and crumbling metal the color of stage lights and named in 1692 Salmon orange pink in color soft and light named after the flesh of the salmon fish Teal a deep blue green named after the bird common teal using shades of cyan Umber the color of earth and dirt often referred to as sienna deep and rich when burnt Vermillion the color of life a color of love a brilliant red the hue of spice and of sunsets White the brightest color the color of snow of chalk of fresh paper and of purity Xanthic a yellow color derived from French and colored like many flowers and fish Yellow the color of sun of warmth of natural light of withering fall leaves and of happiness Zucchini a brown green named after the vegetable a warm green of nature and earth 12

Flaws Flaws 13

Other 100 Delicious Words I don t have a favorite food it s hard to choose The savory sushi or crispy fries Soft sweet cheesecake or sticky warm cinnamon rolls dripping with frosting I can t decide my stomach wants it all Buttery popcorn and salty chips that crunch loudly as I shovel handfuls in my mouth Bitter and crunchy pickles savory olives I like it all Steaks bacon salmon it all tastes great when you re hungry Peach cobbler in the oven fresh apple pie a mountain of whipped cream on pumpkin pie Ask me if I m hungry or what I want I ll tell you I eat 14

Mental Rest There are times when you will be tired Not physically but mentally and you will need rest While discouraging to be unwell have patience with yourself Take a break and provide yourself comfort You may feel better you may feel inside yourself warm And if you start to feel unwell rest again Just like the seasons change again and again and again And the weather makes you cold and tired You know that things will eventually get warm The weather changes provide the earth with rest And will once again bring back the comfort All it takes is a little patience Great things come to those with patience When things get rough you know they can get better And when life looks grim allow yourself the comfort To reflect to learn to grow and sleep when tired So remember to give yourself rest Let your spirit grow warm The days grow warm And you feel the heat wear on your patience And the feeling of the shade provides you with rest You will want to enjoy the long days again The days when you swim play talk until you re tired The times when the hot days cool off and provides you comfort The people around you will bring you happiness and comfort The feeling of friendship will make you feel warm When your friends will be there when you re tired The friends that show the most patience Who will be there for all the good and bad again and again And will allow your brain to rest Your body heals whenever you rest Resting is a mental and bodily comfort So when you start to feel low relax again Allow yourself the emotional warmth Allow yourself some patience 15

It s okay to be tired When tired give yourself patience let your mind grow warm Allow yourself rest give yourself comfort and never be afraid when you get low again 16

Sensational Sonnet I like to get drunk on life To get high on good times Often I am full of strife And I get sad sometimes I comfort myself using my senses Touch taste and smell I keep my mood under false pretenses And in bad spirits I tend to dwell But oh the way good smells comfort me And how I feel better when I eat But one of these days I hope to be Somebody who is fully complete One of these days I will feel secure But for now I just remain mature 17

Personal Working Away My Life Lives are laid out in certain paths we seem to have to follow finish high school go to college graduate with a degree get a job Then what Work until my death When I express my exhaustion for working constantly I get dismissed with a Welcome to being an adult and smiled at in a way I want to punch I didn t ask to be born into a life of struggle I already work hard but for what To survive I m scared to graduate I m scared to be an adult I don t wanna work 40 hours a week to survive but I feel like I ll never have a lush job I ll never have excess money to waste I ll be paycheck to paycheck wishing I wasn t alive and that I could marry rich What is the point in working when you can t get what you want How much do I have to work to have enough to be comfortable My interests are ones that are low pay so do I scrape by doing what I love or be miserable and have little leftovers I don t want to be tired for the rest of my life especially when I ve already been tired for so long Am I supposed to have a purpose Do I need a reason I m scared to do what I love I don t see myself being someone who lives frivolously rich happy complete I don t want to grow up I don t want to be miserable I don t want any of it I don t How do I deviate my path and be happy and comfortable Is there any way I could do it Maybe I was doomed to struggle by being born poor maybe I ll never have the opportunities to be successful So what do I do when my life isn t what I want It makes my head and heart hurt I think I ll ignore it some more and take a nap 18

Atlas I have been alive for just over 19 years I was brought into this world not by choice but I have lived in this world by choice I am scared of the world and have been ever since I was a kid who quickly realized how uneven the world seemed to be Other children my age started their lives on marble pillars towering above my little sand castle and looked down on me I have always been different Something about me has always been off and I never quite fit in right I was loud I was creative I was weird Other kids didn t like me but I didn t know why They were mean to me for so long that the weight of their words and actions began to crumble my little world I got quieter I became less social I caved in on myself I turned to books when I cried I turned to creativity when I got lonely My parents were imperfect Often my father would drink until he wasn t quite sober and start petty arguments with me or my brother until mom came home and got him to drop the subject Sometimes my mother would get beyond angry and throw and slam things Once she threw a cup at me and it hit me in the face and I got my first nosebleed In the late hours of the night or early mornings of the next day I would wake up to my mom screaming her head off at my dad who would yell back or make rude remarks Most of the time I couldn t go back to sleep until they calmed down and I acted like I never knew they fought My dad wasn t exactly faithful never cheating but talking behind my mother s back I acted like I never knew It was never the money that I remember or the way we lived We survived and that was what mattered to me as a kid People were surprised that I shared a room with my brother well into my late teens We never had our own rooms until I was 17 and it strained my relationship with my brother until then My brother was imperfect too Mom divorced his dad when he was a baby and his father barely came around He never tried to be a real dad until my brother was a teenager who broiled with hate and angst He hated me for being favored by dad he hated my dad for being partial A few times he had hit me or tried to choke me when we argued as angry teens Now he stays at home and plays video games in his room all day My family was a cracked dam held together by superglue and denial It threatened to break so many times but stayed together for fear of the flood of unknown I don t know what would have happened if the family ever split but I know that our unstable family has caused many problems I love my family dearly but there are times when I feel the resentment slipping through I went to college to breathe to escape the miasma of unspoken feelings and strained love I fear my return but welcome it eagerly knowing I have my own sanctuary within my house I am not perfect either I keep many of my flaws upon my sleeve open about my poor mental health open about how I saw my family I lost my father when I was 15 I was bullied all through elementary and middle school I hate myself for my shortcomings and the way I look I don t like having attention on me I m weird I m anxious I get stuck in my own head I keep my thoughts to myself until they start to crush me When I reflect on myself and the way I live my life I see myself carrying a mountain of problems on my back tiredly trudging through life I am Atlas carrying not the sky but the weight of my world on my shoulders I don t know how to get rid of the weight but I m trying I work hard for what I want building my pillars while most of my peers get handed 19

theirs I please others instead of myself not knowing how to be selfish I give my all but hardly ever take I am scared of the future Others daydream and plot a road of gold into their bright future but I ignore mine My upbringing has taught me that it doesn t matter what I do my future may still end up grim Despite the foundations I lay for myself I can only imagine my life being a tired dredge of all the miseries of adulthood Grief after grief after grief with no payoff Work until my body can no longer work just to survive work all day to go home and sleep so I can continue the cycle I can t see myself being happy a dark blindfold over my eyes thanks to my walk of life I want to be happier I want to find my pocket of sunshine like reaching into your pocket and find a stray dollar bill I want to fan away the smog and tear away the curtain of darkness and find nothing but a soft glow of happiness and content I want feel softened by life with round edges that welcome people to me with arms wide open I want to be able to have hope for a good future a good life For comfort for a job I like for things to work out in my favor I want to pull back the curtain of time and be that loud weird creative child again I want to feel a youthful wonder to look at the world with excitement rather than disgusted fear I want a utopia daydream not this dystopian nightmare No amount of verbal poetry will get me there I wish it were that easy but all I would find is blissful ignorance Instead I go to therapy I confront my problems and try to chip at my mountain of burden If I can t get rid of it I will make what I can of it And what I make of it is up to me so I know I ought to carve it into something good I ll have to carve until my hands bleed until my eyes won t stay open until it leaks with my own blood sweat and tears But maybe if I carve the burden things will be better Then maybe I can start to look up easier 20

Not Sorry Say you re sorry they tell us when we say something rude You re told to apologize for what you said when it causes emotional harm to another person Sometimes you said something to hurt someone s feelings sometimes you voiced your opinion and it angered somebody else It starts as kids usually when we begin to interact with more children We say mean things and then get told to say you re sorry before being made to move on As we grow we begin to voice opinions that make others unhappy and they take their unhappiness to the authoritative figures who simply tell you to say you re sorry Sorry for saying you re a jerk Sorry I said you reflect your poor intelligence by bullying me Sorry I tried to explain myself Sorry I made a mistake Sorry for saying something that the others don t agree with Sorry that I used the bathroom I identified with Sorry for not being able to fit in with the rest of the class Sorry sorry sorry for things I cannot control and sorry for the things I want to control about my life Sorry for being myself Sorry for standing up for myself I m always sorry for being assertive now Why do I have to be sorry 21