Support After Abortion Men - Non-Faith : simplebooklet.com

© 2021 The Word Among Us PressThe Word Among Us Partners7115 Guilford Drive, Suite 100Frederick, Maryland 21704www.waupartners.orgNo part of this publication may be produced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other, except for brief quotations in printed reviews—without the prior permission of the author and publisher. Made and printed in the United States of America

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ContentsIntroduction to This Booklet ��4Key 1: Acknowledge Where You Are Now ��7Key 2: You Are Not Alone �� 14Key 3: Freedom from Anger through Forgiveness �� 21Key 4: Moving through Grief �� 30Key 5: Walking in Confidence and Hope �� 38Key 6: Giving Hope to Others �� 47Start Your Support Here �� 55Notes Pages �� 60

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4Introduction to This BookletWe are thankful you have found this Support After Abortion booklet. No matter how long it’s been since your abortion expe-rience, the need for healing is very real. Abortion may be a hard topic for you to speak about with people who have not been in your shoes or do not believe in the trauma you have experi-enced. On top of that, it may be challenging to identify or process what you are feeling because you did not physically experience the abortion. You are not alone. Many men who have had an abortion experience have suffered like you. But know also that many men have experienced healing or are on the path to heal-ing after abortion. And you can heal too.Every abortion experience is unique. What was your expe-rience? You may have agreed with or coerced your partner, accompanied or abandoned her, reacted proactively or passively, or discovered only later that she had aborted your child. What-ever your involvement or lack of involvement, you can heal from the shame, anger, grief, or guilt that you may have carried through a greater understanding and acceptance of the impact of abortion in your life.Every man’s emotional response and how he thinks about his role in an abortion is different. Even if the abortion experience is not recent, you may still have negative thoughts that surface from time to time. Men often experience misplaced anger some-times years and decades later.Perhaps you have had thoughts like:

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Introduction to This Booklet5“I did what I thought was right at the time, but . . . ”“I wasn’t given a say in the decision, but . . . ” “I want to stop thinking about what I didn’t do, but . . . ”“I want to move forward with my life, but . . . ”If you’ve had any thoughts like these, please be open to what this booklet can offer you: keys for healing and hope. These keys will open up healing to areas in your life that you may not have thought were impacted by your abortion involvement. Will it take courage, commitment, and openness? Yes. Will it possibly change your life? Yes! We’d like to add a mention here that we have received invalu-able contributions and critiques while writing this booklet from the Men’s Task Force at Support After Abortion—a wonderful organization that champions healing for all those impacted by abortion. Their contact information is on the back cover of this booklet. These men have either personally experienced abor-tion themselves and/or counseled men who have been involved in one or more abortions. They shared with us their perspec-tives about men who have suffered—some for decades—from their abortion experience and about those men who learned that support was available and the benets of starting the heal-ing process much sooner. As not everyone is looking for the support offered through personal or group counseling—and perhaps that’s you—this booklet will hopefully meet you where you are now and offer you some ideas to move forward in your healing. A lot of information at once is not always helpful. Therefore, each key is broken down into two parts and followed by action steps to help you personalize and reect on what you have read.

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Support After Abortion6We think you will nd encouragement in the stories of men who have been involved in an abortion decision and are now on their own path to healing. Don’t feel the need to rush through each key in one sitting. Take your time. Take a break if you need to: watch a movie, exer-cise, or distract yourself somehow. Stay with each key until you feel you are ready to move on. One key builds upon the next, so it’s best to read through them in order. Revisit any of the six keys as often as you feel the need to do so. You are on your own individual journey. A suggestion we’d like to offer is that you write down your thoughts through this journey. Use your phone, laptop, tablet, or buy a notebook. There are also blank pages at the back of this booklet you can use.Our thoughts are with all who seek support with their abor-tion experience through the keys offered in these pages.The Word Among Us Partners & Support After Abortion

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7Key OneAcknowledge Where You Are Now“To be successful, you’ve got to be honest with yourself.” —Vince LombardiIt’s time to dig in. If you haven’t read through the introduction yet, we encourage you to take a few minutes and do so. It is ben-ecial in navigating as well as understanding why each reection is called a key. Step 1Think back to the times you’ve been asked, “How are you?” Did you respond “Fine” or “Never been better,” even if that’s far from the truth? These are safe answers that don’t require much from us. After being involved in an abortion, it can be hard to admit that we are not ne. You may even wonder if it’s OK to talk about it. Many men have been told for many years they have no choice and no voice in an abortion decision. Key 1: Acknowledge Where You Are Now is inviting you to stop and check in with yourself by asking, “How am I really doing with my abortion experience?” Now is the time to admit your true feelings. Don’t deny them. Identifying and acknowl-edging where you are is a crucial key to working through your abortion experience. Many overlook this critical step.

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Support After Abortion8Right now, you might be ready—perhaps for the rst time—to look at how the abortion(s) impacted you. On the other hand, you may be feeling intimidated or hesitant to start because you know it will be a painful exercise. Perhaps you want to skip it because you’ve been discouraged from acknowledging or shar-ing your feelings in the past. Or it could be that you don’t see the value in acknowledging your emotions. Remember, this process is at your pace. Take it as slow as you need to but don’t give up. Acknowledging where you are is a step that you won’t regret. This exercise is no small feat, and if you’ve picked up this booklet, you certainly have great strength in you. Go at your own pace. Everyone’s needs are different. Try to remember that on the other side of your pain is healing. Keep your hope alive and keep pushing forward. The reward far outweighs the pain.After an abortion experience, many men have tried to hide or repress their feelings or thoughts. These feelings can be differ-ent for everyone—they could include guilt, shame, despair, or a combination of all of these. Everyone is unique. For some, these feelings may feel too overwhelming, and it may seem like address-ing them will just drudge up the past. However, while feelings may lessen over time, they won’t just go away. They may always be just under the surface. Refusing to face feelings surrounding a loss such as through abortion can lead to unhealthy behav-iors, as you will read about in Christopher’s story (on page 10).Every man experiences a range of thoughts and feelings. They may get weaker or stronger when you are having memories of your abortion experience. You may nd that certain dates, places, or people are triggers of these memories. If you nd yourself becoming overwhelmed, reach out to Support After Abortion listed on the back of this booklet.

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Acknowledge Where You Are Now9Now it’s time to take a pen or pencil to begin the rst action part of this key.Actions• Circle the feelings you have experienced. • Add others not listed that come to mind.• Highlight or put an *asterisk by your three strongest emotions.The emotions you’ve just acknowledged are real and valid. They are part of where you are right now. Healing can truly begin when we are honest about where we are today. This level of self-honesty may trigger anger, and it’s okay to express that in a healthy way. But also give yourself permission to cry, especially if you haven’t done so before. Crying is very healing.If you’re thinking, “I don’t know what I’m feeling,” that is also an authentic and common experience. You’ve started the healing process! Other men have become numb and don’t know what they are feeling. They just know something isn’t right. Be patient with yourself and read over the “Common Feelings Fol-lowing Abortion” box again. Emotions come and go, and you may identify with some of these in time. Common Feelings Following Abortion• Anger• Relief• Shame• Depression• Loneliness• Despair• Numbness• Powerlessness• Failure• Exhaustion• Guilt• Fear• Self-hatred• Optimism• Regret

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Support After Abortion10Christopher’s StorySometimes life is predictable. You can see the good and the bad coming. But there’s no way I was prepared for what happened—being involved in an abortion. Or should I say, making sure an abortion happened. Because the truth is, I pressured my girl-friend into having one.I was living on my own, just three years out of high school and working two jobs to afford my apartment. My friend introduced me to Ginny. We dated for about six months when I asked her to move in. It was fast, but we were in love. Ten months later, when she told me about herpositivepregnancy test, I was lled with fear and panic. I blamed her for the pregnancy and refused to listen to her or what she wanted. She wanted to keep the baby, but I thought I knew what we had to do. Without her knowing, I made an appointment at an abortion clinic I found online. It was easier than I thought—I just needed her information and insurance. I told her that if she wanted us to stay together, she had to get an abortion. I know it hurt her, but in my mind, it was the only option.I dropped off Ginny at the clinic and drove around the area, listening to music and biding my time until I could pick her up a few hours later. Once we got home, she cried uncontrollably and wouldn’t talk to me, but all I felt was a massive weight off my shoulders. I knew it was the end of our relationship. Three weeks later, Ginny moved out, and I put the whole thing behind me.That is, until about two years later, when I was on Facebook. I got a suggestion about “people you may know.” There was Ginny. With a little digging, I found out she had a newborn son. Suddenly, my world came crashing down on me as I thought,

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Acknowledge Where You Are Now11“That could have been my son.” I felt waves of guilt, shame, and enormous regret. I hated myself for forcing Ginny to abort our child. I didn’t know what to do with all the overwhelming feel-ings. I did the only thing I could think of to escape the stress—I bought a bottle of vodka, and downed it. And I kept doing that for the next ve years.It wasn’t until I landed in Alcoholics Anonymous that I started to process and work through my past. I can’t undo it—but I also can’t shut the door on it. It took a lot of work with my sponsor and other men in the program, but now I can be of service to others and be there for another man if he’s gone through some-thing similar. What Did You Think?• What did you take away from Christopher’s story?• Are there any similarities with your story? Step 2Have you ever had a thought, and then moments later you couldn’t remember what it was or what you were thinking at all? That’s why it’s helpful to get into the habit of taking notes. You’re going to have a lot of thoughts, and some of them will be powerful. You will not want to forget them! No one will see what you write unless you choose to share it. You can be 100 percent real and honest. This includes any neg-ative self-thoughts like I can’t move forward, I won’t heal, or I can’t forgive myself. There is no right or wrong way to write

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Support After Abortion12your thoughts. It’s all about what you want to express. It’s a good idea to date each entry. The very act of writing things down may help you become aware of the impact of the abortion on your life. Together with reection and meditation, it is a profound and impactful tool. As you write things down, some emotions may come to mind that perhaps were hidden in your subconscious. Writing can also be benecial if you’re feeling numb or nding it hard to acknowledge your emotions. When you write, try to put your phone on silent and nd some personal space. It might be at the ofce, in your den at home, or even in the garage, in the backyard, or in a shed. The important thing is that it’s a place you feel comfortable. These notes will be an excellent record of the transformation that will take place in your life in the coming days and weeks. Actions• Make notes of why you are working through this booklet.• Think about what you have found helpful about Key 1: Acknowledge Where You Are Now.The very act of writing things down may help you become aware of the impact of the abortion on your life� Together with reflection and meditation, it is a profound and impactful tool�

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Acknowledge Where You Are Now13Points to Review• I need to be aware of what I’m thinking and feeling.• Self-honesty is an important key that will lead me to expe-rience hope and healing. Final Thought and Meditation In this key, you may have discovered some challenging or painful emotions. Great job persevering. Until you have time to begin the second key, keep your eyes on your goal of healing and why you are going through this process. Recall some of the things you’ve discovered about yourself. You are stronger than you know. “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” —C. S. LewisWhat’s Next?You’ve taken the rst step in healing. Key 2: You Are Not Alone will help you begin working through what you’ve identied. Stay the course.

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14Key TwoYou Are Not Alone“One of the most important things you can do on this earth is to let people know they are not alone.” —AnonymousKey 1: Acknowledge Where You Are Now opened the door to acknowledging your feelings and encouraged you to begin writ-ing things down. Now, after going through that door, you’re ready to pick up the next key: You Are Not Alone.Quick question: Did you circle the emotion “loneliness” on the “Common Feelings Following Abortion” box? Step 1 Have you had any of these thoughts: I’ll keep it to myself, I’ll tough it out, It’s my problem, Don’t risk their judgment, or What if people knew my abortion story? There’s a quote by an anonymous writer that says, “Even in a crowd, you are alone inside your own head.” Sometimes loneliness has nothing to do with a person’s present circumstances and everything to do with how they perceive them. It has nothing to do with how many people they have surrounding them or how many likes or followers they have on social media.

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You Are Not Alone15There are two great synonyms for the word “alone”: unac-companied and disconnected. Maybe that denes how you’ve felt since the abortion. However, the truth is that you are not alone in your abortion experience, and you are not alone in feeling lonely. Countless men were shocked by the devastating effects of abor-tion on their emotions. They, and perhaps you, were unprepared for what they felt or continue to feel. And many times, there was an immediate feeling in the gut that something was different. Without hesitating, some men choose to process their emo-tions by sharing their abortion story with a trusted friend or a counselor. Others—and they are the majority—nd it incredibly difcult to share their experience. It could be because of shame, fear of people’s judgment, or fear of rejection. Whatever the rea-son, they choose to keep their abortion story a secret. For any man in this last group, it takes courage to share about his involvement in an abortion. The thought of opening up and being vulnerable can cause him to feel overwhelm-ingly anxious or even scared. It may take several attempts to make a phone call or keep an appointment. If that’s you, sharing what you have experienced since your abortion involvement in a safe environment can be essen-tial to experiencing that You Are Not Alone. Many men have found it to be freeing. It can be an enormous relief. Once you take that step, you will nd yourself less frozen in your pain. You may be able to move forward more easily. Sharing what you have experienced since your abortion involvement in a safe environment can be essential to experiencing that You Are Not Alone�

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Support After Abortion16Actions • Recall a time where you felt alone. What steps did you take to help ease your loneliness?• When have you said to a family member or friend, “I’m here for you; you’re not alone?” What was their response? How did that make you feel?George’s StoryIt was in our plan to have children. But Suzanna’s rst pregnancy was just the wrong timing. We had been married for only two years when we found out she was pregnant. We were both focused on our careers and doing some traveling before we became par-ents. We’d both been so ambitious—something we recognized in each other when we rst started dating.I was open, however, to change that plan. I became excited at the thought of fatherhood and shared that with Suzanna. She let me know, in no uncertain terms, that she was in no way open to keeping the baby. She became very emotional about her deci-sion. I remember her telling me, “It’s my body. It’s my choice. You don’t have a say.”I didn’t want to be the bad guy, so I bought into everything she threw at me. I quickly found myself thinking, “She’s right. I have to be supportive.” But in my heart, I felt alone, powerless, robbed of any say, and already grieving the loss of my child. I loved Suzanna and supported her in her decision. I drove her to the clinic and sat in my car. The silence that followed in the car ride back and weeks that followed was deafening. Life went on for both of us, but we never talked about it again.

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You Are Not Alone17In the years that followed, we had two sons and a daughter, in that order. While I never forgot my rst child, thoughts rarely surfaced during those busy years raising three children. I sup-pose I stuffed them down. Occasionally, one would slip out and I’d have “what if” thoughts—would he/she love sports like me, or favor Suzanna’s delight in cooking foreign dishes or even be married now and have children? It was only recently, when our daughter became pregnant while at college, that Suzanna and I talked about our abor-tion. She shared her secret feelings of regret and sadness, and I shared mine. I shared my regret that I’d not tried harder to pro-tect her and our child. It was the rst time we were completely open and honest with each other about it. That honesty deep-ened our relationship. After that, we found an incredible amount of healing together during counseling, during which we actually named our child.I’m happy to say that our daughter kept her child. Suzanna and I are proud grandparents to a very fun and strong-willed granddaughter—we’re so lucky.What Did You Think?• What did you take away from George’s story?• Can you relate to any of his personal struggles?Step 2I’m sure many of us have watched a YouTube video, Facebook post or news story of someone doing an act of kindness for another person. As the story evolves, you may have learned they were

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Support After Abortion18prompted to serve by remembering when they received support in their own personal time of need. Having empathy, or walking in another’s shoes, is why many men—who themselves have had one or more abortion experiences—are now counselors or vol-unteers. They know the suffering of other men because they have been there themselves. These men are ready and able to speak with you when you’re ready to speak with them. For informa-tion on these resources, see the back of this booklet.If you haven’t shared your struggles—or haven’t told your complete story—it might be time to identify why. Remember, the goal is to know in your heart and mind that you are not alone. If you are an analytical person, you might nd it helpful to make two columns on a piece of paper. At the top of the rst column, write, “Reasons I Should Share My Story,” and on the other, “Reasons I Shouldn’t Share My Story.” Then brainstorm and ll in the columns. Your answers will become clear. Sharing a story for the rst time can be emotional. Releasing the tension held for months or years is healthy though. Don’t rehearse it before you speak. It’s OK to say, “I don’t know where to start.” If you want to tell someone but know you just can’t do it face-to-face, consider a phone call, talking with an online support group, or writing your story out and reading it to some-one you can trust. The point here is to get it out that rst time.There is so much power in bringing your abortion journey into the light with someone you trust and who will respect and keep all that you share condential. It gets this truth into the open: “Yes, my abortion experience has impacted me, and I need help.” Does someone you trust to share your story with come to mind?Loneliness has tentacles like a jellysh, and it’s an emotion that some men nd difcult to admit. You may have found that it

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You Are Not Alone19zaps your energy and motivation or causes confusion or depres-sion. It can affect your condence, impact your social life, or cause fear of entering or keeping up with relationships. Sadly, the list goes on to also include substance abuse or activities that will numb your suffering. It’s essential to take time to take care of yourself, especially if you have a demanding work schedule, busy home life, or both. Consider asking yourself:• Am I eating a diet that will keep my body healthy?• Am I getting regular exercise?• Am I getting enough sleep?• Is there an activity that I could do with a good friend?• What project or hobby is waiting for me to pick it up?Actions• Prioritize the bullets above, choose one, and begin to make progress on it.• Write a note to yourself that reads, “I am NOT alone!” Dis-play it somewhere like on a bathroom mirror or on your laptop or phone background. • Make notes of anything directly or indirectly related to this key. Points to Review• Sharing my story is crucial because it shows me that I am not alone and allows someone to accompany me on my healing journey.

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Support After Abortion20• It is critical to be kind to myself and take care of my mind and body.Final Thought and MeditationI’d like to leave some encouraging words from Bill, a man who has walked in your shoes: “One of the best decisions I’ve made was sharing about my abortion story. Looking back, I realize it was crucial to being able to process my emotions.”“You are not alone in this. As brothers we will stand, and we’ll hold your hand.” —Mumford and SonsWhat’s Next?Loneliness is powerful, but it is not always based on the truth. You are not alone in your experience. Key 3: Freedom from Anger through Forgiveness will address another powerful emotion you may experience over the abortion—anger.

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21Key ThreeFreedom from Anger through Forgiveness“He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love.” —Martin Luther King Jr.Key 2: You Are Not Alone opened the door to sharing your abortion story. By choosing to be vulnerable, you came to the realization that you are not alone and that other men have walked in your shoes. You were also invited to take some time just for yourself, which hopefully you did. Key 3: Freedom from Anger through Forgiveness includes three steps, so take your time going through it! Step 1Did you circle “anger” in the “Common Feelings Following Abor-tion” box in Key 1: Acknowledge Where You Are Now? Would you say you are more prone to anger since your abortion experi-ence? Many men respond with anger and may not realize there’s a connection to the abortion. One man shared, “After my abor-tion experience, I had violent outbursts of anger that frightened me. And I didn’t know why.”

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Support After Abortion22Anger is personal for everyone, and it’s not always easy to put the feelings it gives into words. It is very often the result of being displeased over outside things that we cannot control. For exam-ple, we may not like other people’s actions towards us, events that happen around us, or a host of different situations outside of ourselves that we cannot change. Often, we can hold onto things that have already happened. We can become resentful or embroiled in anger over the past. This anger can cause us to snap or lash out at others or ourselves.Sometimes, after an abortion experience, a man can resent himself, his partner, family members, friends, or healthcare pro-viders. This anger can show itself in many ways and destroy relationships, his way of life, and his peace of mind. Have you ever done something fueled by anger and immedi-ately regretted it? Anger can cause you to react or act out in ways that you usually wouldn’t. It can cause you to hurt yourself or others. The actions that hurt you are known as self-destructive behaviors. These can look like dangerous and addictive behav-iors such as excessive drinking, drug use, gambling, pornography, unwanted sexual behaviors, or seemingly everyday behaviors like road rage. In these cases, the primary person you are hurting through these self-destructive behaviors is yourself. This anger only punishes you, whether you are aware of it or not.Sometimes, the easiest anger to hold on to is when we feel justied. When people hurt us for no reason or events happen that cause us real pain, we can let anger become the master over us. This anger can reign over our lives, and our self-destructive behaviors can become habits. Perhaps you’re angry as a result of your abortion experience and nd you are letting anger con-trol a lot of your decisions.

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Freedom from Anger through Forgiveness23Countless men have come to understand that the only sure way to get rid of anger is through forgiveness. This concept may seem contrary to what you are feeling, but forgiveness is trans-forming for those willing to accept it. Forgiveness can be for yourself, your child’s mother, family members, or healthcare providers.While it may seem easier to point your nger in blame, the way through anger to peace is through surrendering to forgiveness. It is a straightforward action, and it is important to know that you don’t always have to feel like forgiving. But the act of forgiveness is necessary to healing. We are not in control of everything, but we can let go of our anger through forgiveness.Actions• Write down any thoughts from what you’ve just read on anger. • What went through your mind when you read the word “forgive”?• On another page, write the names of those you are angry with. You’ll refer to this list in the next step. Rick’s StoryMy mom was in high school when she had me. My grandmother helped raise me until I was about ten and we moved out on our own. After that, my single mom struggled to provide for my younger sister and me. We didn’t have many things that other kids enjoyed, and she struggled to make ends meet.Countless men have come to understand that the only sure way to get rid of anger is through forgiveness�

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Support After Abortion24I saw rsthand how hard it was for my mom, so having an abortion was the obvious answer when my girlfriend, Jenn, got pregnant during our senior year in high school. Jenn was so scared to tell her parents, or really anyone, and I couldn’t imag-ine parenting a child like my mom had done. Our decision was mutual—we acted quickly and drove to a clinic, miles from home, where no one would know us. I thought we took care of our problem.Immediately, everything was different. Jenn began avoiding me in the school hallways. She started volleyball, and I started base-ball. I reached out to her, but she stopped answering or returning my calls. We never spoke to each other again.I put thoughts of Jenn and the abortion behind me after high school, and I got certied as an HVAC technician. I threw myself into long hours of work, but I was angry. I nearly lost my job because of an almost violent encounter with a customer.The wake-up call to my anger came after getting pulled over for a charge of reckless driving and going to court. I asked myself, “Why am I always so angry? I don’t want to hurt anyone.” I read articles online about controlling anger. But I knew I needed more.My answer came when a customer canceled a maintenance appointment for his air conditioning unit. I had worked with him before, and we were on friendly terms. He told me he had to reschedule because he led a men’s after-abortion support group and had double-booked himself. It didn’t occur to me that abor-tion was at the root of my anger.After the light bulb went on, I asked him if I could join him, and my healing journey started! Together with him and other men, I began working through unresolved issues related to my abortion involvement: anger, regret, and self-loathing. When I

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Freedom from Anger through Forgiveness25admitted to nding it difcult to forgive myself for taking the life of my child, I found I wasn’t alone as other men had strug-gled too. Their encouragement got me to the point of beginning to say, “I forgive myself.” I’d suggest such a group to any man open to support about their abortion involvement. It takes cour-age and the swallowing of pride to do so. All I can say is, “I’m not the angry man I once was.”What Did You Think?• What did you take away from Rick’s story?• What can you relate to?Step 2Forgiveness is a necessary key to experiencing freedom from anger and inner peace. It is also essential to help you move on with your life. It removes the reason for the anger surrounding your abortion experience by lessening the grip that the action and those involved in it have on you.It’s easy to make excuses not to forgive, especially if you’re experiencing a lot of self-justied anger. Any man who has been deeply hurt by others involved in the abortion experience could say, “I could never forgive her,” “he doesn’t deserve my forgive-ness,” or “I’m waiting for an apology.” If you have negative thoughts like these about one or more people involved in your abortion story, including yourself, you are not alone. Other men have struggled with offering forgiveness. If that’s you, perhaps you will nd it helpful to know what forgiveness is and what it isn’t.

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Support After Abortion26First of all, forgiveness is a choice: it is something you do. It is an action, not a feeling—a letting-go of negative emotions towards others and perhaps self-hatred and self-condemnation toward yourself.Forgiveness has nothing to do with how you feel. Remember, it is a choice you make. Don’t wait for your feelings to change, because that may never happen. You can choose to forgive even while feeling angry, resentful, or cheated. Forgiving doesn’t mean denying or justifying the actions of others. Or, in the case of yourself, it doesn’t mean that you don’t accept responsibility for your role and are shifting the blame. It does mean that you relinquish the hold that anger has on you.It’s really important to understand that the choice to forgive is for your benet and your peace of mind. You may never have the chance to forgive someone in person, but you can let go for yourself.Actions• Refer to the list of people that you wrote down that you are angry with.• Find a quiet place and do the following:• Read each person’s name outloud and choose to give them the gift of your forgiveness by saying, “I forgive you _____ (name the person) for _____ (name their action).”• Let all the unforgiveness in your heart go.• Sit quietly and reect.• Be grateful that you had the strength to forgive or to begin to forgive.

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Freedom from Anger through Forgiveness27Step 3Once you’ve forgiven the people on your list, you’ve taken a really important step toward healing. There may still be one, or more, people you nd it impossible to forgive. If there is some-one you can’t seem to forgive, seek support from someone who knows your story. Together, try to take the rst step in forgiving. Remember, it’s a choice, not a feeling. It can be helpful and healing to write a letter (that you won’t send to the person) expressing your anger and other emotions. Your anger may be so intense and your hurt so deep that you may need to forgive that person more than once to experience complete freedom. Like all forms of recovery, it is a process. There is no dened starting or stopping point. Up until now, we have focused on forgiving those who have hurt us. Now let’s revisit the question: Have you forgiven your-self for your abortion experience and other actions related to it? Perhaps you’ve never thought of or known the importance of forgiving yourself.Having read the question above, what comes to mind rst? Take a few moments to process that. Now, write it and any other thoughts or feelings that come to mind in a notebook.Let us assure you, forgiving yourself is possible. As with for-giving others, it is a decision. It’s not denying your abortion experience. It is a gift that every person deserves to receive and one that your child would want you to give yourself.For men who’ve been able to forgive themselves, they have experienced relief and serenity.Forgiving yourself is possible� As with forgiving others, it is a decision�

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Support After Abortion28For some men, forgiving themselves happens over time. A counselor shared this powerful example about a man we’ll call Blake, whose abortion experience was twelve years ago: “Blake would often say, ‘I can’t forgive myself.’ The regret, self-hatred, and self-loathing over what he had been involved in was para-lyzing him. But slowly, over time, he would say, ‘I’m beginning to forgive myself.’ Blake has still not entirely forgiven himself and still battles differing emotions. But he has allowed himself to take that rst and most challenging step of beginning the process.” The action for this step will give you some suggestions to for-give yourself. Repeat them whenever you feel a need.Actions• Alone or with a friend, say aloud, “I forgive myself for my abortion experience(s)” and _____ (mention anything else).” You may not be able to forgive yourself or others for every-thing—start small if you need to.• When standing in front of a mirror and getting ready for the day, say, “I’ve given myself the gift of forgiveness.”Points to Review• Freedom from my anger is through forgiveness, which is a choice. • Forgiveness is not based on my feelings.• Forgiveness is the key to my serenity and a vital key to my hope and healing.

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Freedom from Anger through Forgiveness29Final Thought and Meditation If you search for forgiveness quotes online, you’ll be amazed at how many there are! Read the following and reect on what they mean to you.“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” —Anonymous “Holding onto resentment is like letting someone live rent-free in your head.” —Ann LandersWhat’s Next?Forgiveness is a process. But it is essential to take that rst step. Key 4: Moving through Grief will help you through grief—not around it. As you will see, that is an important and powerful distinction. You may want to review this with a friend or sup-port member at Support After Abortion listed on the back of this booklet.

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30Key FourMoving through Grief“Embrace your grief. For there, your soul will grow.” —Carl JungKey 3: Freedom from Anger through Forgiveness opened the door to acknowledging areas of anger and releasing anger through the choice of forgiveness. You asked yourself if you had forgiven yourself for your abortion involvement. Many emotions may have come up for you—from anger to sadness to relief. Key 4: Moving through Grief will once again bring up many emotions. As with the previous keys, take your time when going through this key.While you may have worked through the previous three keys on your own, it is suggested that you go through this key with a friend or support group. If you don’t have anyone in your life you feel comfortable working through this with, reach out to a Support After Abortion staff member to walk through this key with you. Contact information is at the back of this booklet.

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Moving through Grief31Step 1Time Out: Every man—including you—moves through his grief differently. If you nd yourself struggling with grief (about your child or any loss) or feel stuck, it would be vital for you to seek professional help. Support After Abortion can connect you to a local resource.A loss we need to grieve can be from a number of sources. It can be the loss of your reputation, or a place to live. It can be the relocation of a family member or friend, the end of a rela-tionship, or the passing of a loved one.After an abortion experience, a man may immediately grieve the loss of his child. But commonly, it occurs weeks, months, or even years later—perhaps because it didn’t impact him then, or he distracted himself from the pain with work or other activities.If you’re reading this and you haven’t experienced grief over your abortion, don’t close this booklet just yet. Try to think broader. Perhaps you are grieving the loss of a relationship as the result of the abortion. Whatever you’re feeling right now, you’re not alone—there are many other men who have felt this same way or have been in a similar situation. As you continue What Is Grief?“Grief is a feeling of deep sorrow and sadness� Grief is painful and emotionally exhausting� Grief can leave a person feeling empty and numb� And grief is normal after a loss�”—Alcoholics Anonymous

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Support After Abortion32with this key, you may nd the following steps helpful for pro-cessing the loss. We will look at four steps in the grieving process: acknowl-edge, accept, connect, and adapt. It is rst necessary to acknowledge where you are with the loss in order to move through grief. Acknowledging the loss of a child and any other related losses will allow you to express how your grief is making you feel. It is a crucial step to experiencing peace amidst your pain and grief. You will show strength by not avoiding these feelings or sweeping them under the rug. In Key 1: Acknowledge Where You Are Now, you were encouraged to identify your emotions. These feelings might now include deeper feelings such as feelings of emptiness, remorse, or vulnerability.• Take a moment to ask yourself, “Where am I with acknowl-edging the loss of my child?” • Take a moment to ask yourself, “Where am I with acknowl-edging any other losses I experienced (like the end of a relationship)?”The next step in coping with grief is to accept the loss of your child to abortion. One of life’s hard truths is that we cannot change our reality, however much we may want to. It is not easy, but it is important to stay in the present. This doesn’t mean you cannot be sad or feel hopeless, but it means that you embrace the truth about what happened and live in the present moment. • Take a moment to ask yourself, “Where am I with accept-ing the loss?”

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Moving through Grief33Actions• Reect or talk through how you are doing in acknowledg-ing and accepting your loss.• Make some notes about acknowledging and accepting your loss. Tim’s StoryIt was six weeks before my last deployment as a US Marine when my wife Susan told me, “Tim, I think I’m pregnant.” I couldn’t believe what she was telling me. We already had three sons who were seven, four, and almost two.All I could focus on were my fears. Thoughts were running through my head like tornadoes: How would Susan manage with another child while I was gone? How would we afford a fourth child? We got a home pregnancy test and when we both saw it was positive, I asked her if she wanted to end it. Relief came over her, and she sobbed, “Yes. I can’t have another. I’m sorry. I just can’t do it.” In my mind, that was the end of the dis-cussion. Abortion was a woman’s right, and I agreed with that.I made the appointment, booked two nights at a hotel, and arranged for babysitters. I told everyone we were getting away before I was deployed. Susan needed those few days away to recover physically. But she wouldn’t talk about it. And to be honest, I didn’t want to talk about it either.When I came home from deployment, my impatience turned to anger, isolation from buddies increased, and Susan and I began drifting apart. Once called the “fun couple” by our friends, there was less laughter between us at what the kids did, less intimacy,

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Support After Abortion34and no date nights. The years passed, and we threw ourselves into kids’ activities and into our jobs.I always worried about our marriage and who I had become. I also began to wonder if Susan’s abortion was the root cause of our problems. It was no secret that a lot of our challenges began after that decision was made. Taking the bull by the horns, I met with my buddy Kevin and shared my abortion story. He urged me to begin talking to Susan. I didn’t do that, but I wrote her a note that read, “I love you, and I want to talk about us.”I was nervous about doing it, but shared with Susan every-thing that had been going on in me for too many years: regret, shame, self-loathing. She didn’t respond but went to bed. The next morning, I found her sobbing in the kitchen. I hugged her, and it all poured out of her. That was the beginning of the heal-ing of both our lives, enormously helped by some after-abortion counseling. What Did You Think?• What did you take away from Tim’s Story?• Why was identifying his loss healing for Tim?Step 2 This step begins with two important thoughts. First, the pain of grief that a man experiences for days, weeks, months, or years after an abortion experience will lessen. Second, pain triggered by a movie, a TV commercial, or attending a birthday or wed-ding of someone around the age of his child, will also lessen.

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Moving through Grief35Some men have chosen to express love for their child by nd-ing ways to connect with the loss by honoring their child either alone, with a friend, or with the mother of their child if they are still in each other’s lives and it wouldn’t cause more harm to include them. For others, they have heard about doing this, but it just wasn’t anything they wanted to do. Perhaps they were even advised that it wouldn’t be helpful to their healing. Many counselors have found that connecting with the loss of a child is vital to having closure over the loss.Honoring Your ChildThere are different ways to honor your child. Choosing a name for your child is something some men have found helpful. Think of what name you would like to give your child. You could even chat with a friend about your favorite names. After deciding upon a name, take a moment to say to your child, “I’m nam-ing you _____.”Another suggestion would be to write a letter to your child. Only you will see it, unless and until you decide to share it. Write whatever is on your heart. Or perhaps give your favorite charity a gift or plant a tree in the child’s honor—whatever brings you peace, comfort, and joy as you think about your child.A Memorial Moment: With the support of another person they trust, some men have found it comforting to plan a memo-rial moment dedicated to their child. At a meaningful place—the woods, beach, or scenic overlook—he names his child and acknowledges his loss. The moment is symbolic and incredibly important.

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Support After Abortion36The fourth point to coping with grief is to adapt to the loss of your child to abortion. Connecting with your grief and honoring your child doesn’t mean that you will forget your child. Adapt-ing your thought patterns, entering fully into the ow of your life, and having a caring concern for others does not mean you will forget your child. The love you have for your child won’t lessen—if anything, your new inner calm and ways of thinking will help your feelings toward your child to grow deeper. A counselor who had an abortion experience illustrates how he views his grief: “It wasn’t until I went through an abortion healing program that I found out how much healing I needed. Grief is hard.It’s not an easy process to go through. Grief is one thing you can’t go over, under, or around. You must go through.” Actions• Make some notes of your thoughts about this key.• Make a plan to meet up with a friend (or friends) to do something fun—a movie, meal, hike, or any other positive activity you enjoy!Points to Review• Grief is a natural response to my loss. Everyone grieves dif-ferently; there is no right or wrong way for me to grieve.• The four points for lessening grief’s pain are to: acknowl-edge, accept, connect, and adapt.

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Moving through Grief37Final Thought and MeditationThis may have been a hard key for you to work through. But be encouraged by the following quotes. “Grief is like a ball of string. You start at one end and wind. Then the ball slips through your ngers and rolls across the oor. Some of your work is undone, but not all. You pick it up and start over again, but you never have to begin again at the string’s end. The ball never completely unwinds. You’ve made some progress.” —Anonymous“Grief never ends, but it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith. . . . It is the price of love.” —AnonymousWhat’s Next?Moving through grief is a lifelong process. Key 5: Walking in Condence and Hope will give you positive steps to reframe negative thoughts that are common.

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38Key FiveWalking in Confidence and Hope“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” —C. S. LewisKey 4: Moving through Grief opened the door to help you release some of your grief and sorrow. You did this by acknowledg-ing, accepting, connecting, and adapting to your life today. Of course, it is also important to remember that grief looks differ-ent for everyone. Step 1Condence is believing in yourself. Having hope is believing that a positive outcome is possible. Take a few moments to check on your condence and hope levels. How many “light bulb” moments have you experienced since you began this booklet? Transforma-tion does not have to be a drastic change—it is often as subtle as a different way of thinking. Take a moment to write down any shifts or other ways of thinking you have become aware of. A challenge for some men with an abortion experience is how to continue to walk in condence and hope for continued heal-ing. This may include you, which is why this key will lay out a plan to nd and keep your condence and hope.

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Walking in Confidence and Hope39Recognizing Your Thoughts. Try thinking of nothing for just a few minutes, and you’ll see that it’s virtually impossible to do so. Thoughts roll in and out of our minds all the time—good, bad, and indifferent. It is especially important as you continue your healing process to be aware of your thoughts and decide which ones to enter-tain and which ones to reject. That’s because not everything that pops into your head will further your journey of healing. While it’s unnecessary to completely stop our thoughts, it is important to recognize negative thoughts and discard them.Pausing Throughout Your Day. A helpful way to protect the ground you have gained in your healing is to begin to take short breaks throughout your day and ask yourself, “What have I been thinking?” Be sure to look for encouraging or motivating thoughts—not just the negative ones. Thoughts That Steal Hope. The more you become conscious of your thought patterns, the easier it will be to acknowledge the discouraging thoughts that often arise from your subconscious and steer you off course: thoughts that cause you pain, sadness, guilt, shame, or are negative or self-defeating. Those thoughts may rush in and overwhelm you if you are not aware of them. Then there are the “what if” thoughts about your child and your abortion experience. These can ow out of regret for your deci-sions. It’s important to grieve the “what if” thoughts and lost potential and opportunities for both you and your child, but it’s not healthy to stay there.Many people in various support programs have found power in accepting the things outside their control and the things they cannot change. There is relief in allowing this

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Support After Abortion40concept to travel from your head to your heart. It is also helpful to remind yourself that you cannot control other people’s thoughts or actions. You might want to write down any extremes in your thought patterns, noting when you had them, what was happening at that moment, and where you were. You might also include why you gave them your time and consideration, how powerful they were, and why they were so hard to resist.Under a Microscope. When you catch one of these stray discouraging thoughts—as well as the situations that trigger them—your next job is to examine it. Ask yourself, “Is it true? Does it mesh with the truths about what I now believe about identity and self-worth? What feelings does it evoke?”Get Out. If the thought doesn’t belong in your mind, send it away by choosing to replace it with a positive thought. Perhaps reread some of the quotes at the beginning of each key or recall some of your strengths—they are numerous. Then watch the unhelpful thought—the lie—lose its power over you. By frequently examining his thoughts, a man healing from an abortion experience can keep himself from getting derailed by distractions and lesser concerns. These lead him away from the fullness of life that he wants for himself and others.Yes You Can! Isn’t it encouraging that you really can walk in condence and hope? It takes time and practice to be aware of your thoughts. But know that you are up for this new way of thinking.

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Walking in Confidence and Hope41Actions• Reect on some of the ways you are walking in condence and hope.• Consider sharing them with someone who knew how you were feeling.Mark’s StoryI’d been divorced from my wife for a few months when I met Charlotte. She was stranded on the side of the road with a at tire, and I was her “knight in shining armor.” Within six months, I moved into her place and committed to making this relation-ship work. I didn’t intend to get married again, but I certainly didn’t share that with Charlotte. I had been hurt once, and that was enough.But a few years into our relationship, I was hurt again. Char-lotte had an abortion without telling me. She went with a friend to terminate my child’s life. She told me days after it happened. I screamed at her, “You’ve killed my child. What right did you have?” Deep down, I had wanted to have a child with Charlotte. But once again, I hadn’t expressed what I wanted.I knew I could never forgive Charlotte. How could I when she had given me no say in the abortion decision? I certainly didn’t have any legal rights. I called myself “a victim of abor-tion.” Needing some space from Charlotte, I moved out. At rst, I felt numb about the whole experience. Still, it didn’t take long for the ood gates to open: the grief, pain, guilt, and shame that I’d stood by and did nothing to save my child.

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Support After Abortion42Concentrating at work was challenging. I slept and ate more, and I lost motivation to dress well or take care of myself. My angry outbursts when I met up with family and friends confused and worried me. I hated the changes in myself. But I didn’t know where to turn for help, believing that abortion was a woman’s issue, and that as a man, I somehow didn’t matter. But some arti-cles on the internet informed me that a man’s pain from abortion is real—not lesser or greater than a woman’s—just different. That gave me some hope that I wasn’t just going crazy or on the verge of a breakdown. There was a root to my changed behavior. I pursued nding help but it wasn’t easy to nd. Even-tually—again online—I found a counselor who was open to having phone consultations. I just couldn’t do face-to-face ini-tially. Week after week over the phone I shared more and more about my abortion story and what was going on with me. Then came a time when I said, “Can we actually meet? I’m ready.”After months of meeting one-on-one with my counselor, he posed the question, “Is there anyone you need to forgive?” I knew there was. We talked about forgiving Charlotte, not face-to-face but in my heart. He also encouraged me to share my story with a small group of other men suffering from abortion. I’m still a work in progress and wonder if I’ll ever father a child. But in my heart, I know I’ve forgiven Charlotte, and that gives me peace.What Did You Think?• What are you taking away from Mark’s Story?• What steps did he take that helped him?

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Walking in Confidence and Hope43Step 2Now we’re taking a step further, from thoughts to memories. There is a difference between the two. Memories are more long-term than thoughts and are based on events that happened in the past. Memory is stored information that we can recall. A man may have many stored memories surrounding his abortion journey: the day he learned of the pregnancy; the con-versations surrounding the decision to terminate the life of his child; the anxiety in nding money to pay the health providers; and the days, weeks, months, and years following. These memories can keep him from being able to walk in con-dence and hope. Sometimes the memories replay like a video, zapping his peace of mind and robbing him of sleep. These mem-ories are like chains that can hold him back from moving on and living with condence and hope. If painful memories like these come frequently to you or are impacting your quality of life, or if you are experiencing nightmares related to your memories, please seek help from a professional. These are painful but common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and must be handled in cooperation with a healthcare provider. If new memories surface—which is part of the healing process—don’t become despondent. Rather, quickly get support by telling someone. For immediate, real-time support, contact Support After Abortion. Contact information is at the back of this booklet. The following story may help you understand how controlling memories can be. An elephant trainer was showing a visitor around the zoo. The visitor noticed an enormous elephant with a small chain

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Support After Abortion44around one ankle. The chain was staked to the ground, and its links were thin. “I’m curious,” said the visitor. “How can such a weak chain hold such a large animal?” The trainer replied, “Well, it doesn’t.” He explained: “When an elephant is born, we place a chain like the one around his ankle. No matter how much the baby elephant pulls, he can’t break the chain or pull out the stake. At some point, he stops trying. By the time he’s fully grown, he’s still being held by that same chain. It’s not the chain that holds him, though. It’s the memory of the chain.” As you can now appreciate, the power to breaking the chains of distressing memories about your abortion experience and moving forward with condence and hope lies in sharing your story. Hopefully, you have experienced meaningful healing by doing so. Rest assured that many men who have overcome this hurdle and become self-aware now know the value of doing so.At the beginning of this key, you read that hope believes that a positive outcome is possible. Have you seen many positive results since the rst key? A remarkable trait of hope is that it has no end. You can believe that you will continue to experience more and more healing from your abortion experience. One man who shared his story said, “I’m encouraged by the thought that there’s no end to my journey of healing.” What hope requires is courage and perseverance. Allow the memories of transformations to spur you on to seek even more hope in your life. Keep your hope alive by being grateful for Question Following the Elephant StoryWhat are you taking away from this story?

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Walking in Confidence and Hope45healing you have already received. Congratulate yourself for even the smallest steps forward and remember that healing is a process. Focus on your goals and not on any setbacks or fail-ures, nd supportive friends, accept what you can’t change, and look for ways to laugh!Actions• Answer the question under the elephant story.• Write down your thoughts about this key. Points to Review• I can be chained down by memories of my past that can pre-vent me from moving forward.• Knowing what I’m thinking during my day will signicantly help me heal from my abortion experience. Final Thought and MeditationYour healing is a continuous journey. If you continue to be mind-ful of your thoughts and stay positive to move forward in your healing, you can be transformed. This transformation is a pro-cess, and it begins with thinking about things differently. “Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” —Desmond Tutu

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47Key SixGiving Hope to OthersYou have now used ve keys to open doors to further your own hope and healing. Now you are about to take up Key 6: Giving Hope to Others. As you will see, your story and your experi-ence can be the key to helping other men start their own healing journey.Step 1Here’s a story about sharing hope and healing which may make you smile. (Adapted from The Star Thrower, by Loren Eiseley)A man took his morning walk along a beach when he noticed hundreds of starsh washed up just above the waterline. He didn’t think much about it until, a little further along, he saw a young boy throwing the starsh one at a time back into the ocean. “Why are you doing that?” he asked, somewhat cynically. “Because,” said the boy, “I want them to have the chance to live.” “Oh, don’t waste your time, there are so many, you won’t make any difference,” the man said. But the boy bent down, picked up another starsh, and with a big swing of his arm, tossed it back into the ocean. Then turning to the man, he said, “It made a dif-ference to that one.” The man stopped, thought, and joined the

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Support After Abortion48boy tossing starsh into the ocean. Others saw what they were doing and soon joined in too.It is such a great feeling when we realize our words or actions have made a difference in someone’s life. Think of some ways you’ve been touched by another’s thoughtfulness and how oth-ers have been touched by your words or actions. Just like the boy throwing back starsh into the ocean, you have an opportunity to make a difference in someone’s life—one person at a time. Often, opportunities to make a difference in someone’s life come in unexpected ways. Remember how it was mentioned in the second key how other men know something of what you were feeling because they had walked in your path? Well, you may nd opportunities to pay it forward by saying, “I know how you feel; I’ve been there—you’re not alone,” to a man who opens up to you about his abortion story. One man, Justin, had an opportunity to give hope and encour-agement while having a drink with a friend. Suddenly, his friend said, “Please stop Justin. What I’ve got to say may shock you. But I’ve got to tell someone: ve years ago, I took my girlfriend for an abortion.” Another man, Kurt, was waiting for a delayed ight at an airport. When he eventually boarded, a man with whom he had briey spoken, sat next to him. By the end of the Questions Following the Starfish Story• What are you taking away from this story?• How did the boy’s response, “It made a dierence to that one,” make you feel?

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Giving Hope to Others49ight, the man had shared how he felt about not being included in the decision to abort his child.For each man that either Justin or Kurt encountered, his abortion story was his dark secret. They hadn’t told anyone because of reasons that you know only too well. They didn’t know that healing moves forward with sharing their story with a trusted friend—or even a stranger. In recovery programs the phrase “You’re as sick as your secrets” is used often. And it truly applies here. But now, you hold a key that could change a life. You know that no man needs to suffer alone. You can be there for them—in person or through social media. You know Support After Abortion staff can provide them with people and resources to begin processing their emotions. And you can even give a copy of this booklet to them.You don’t have to talk about your abortion journey if you’re not ready. It is crucial to make sure you don’t cause further harm to yourself and others. You’ll know when the time is right for you. Someone initially may just need a friend who understands—listening may be the best thing you can do!Actions• Recall some of the ways you have been touched by anoth-er’s thoughtfulness. You might even want to send a text or make a phone call to thank someone. By reaching out in this way, you could make their day!• Is there anyone you know suffering from an abortion deci-sion that you could support by your understanding and compassionate listening?

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Support After Abortion50Larry’s StoryLife was denitely good in my teens and early twenties. I spent my time doing what I loved—chasing adrenaline with extreme sports like mountain biking, marathons, and triathlons. I also had a job I enjoyed with a landscaping company. I could be out-side, and the pay was good. Oh, I had the usual worries over getting more money and wanting to impress women, but my life was relatively carefree.But that changed dramatically when Cheryl, who I’d been dat-ing almost a year, announced she was pregnant. This being her second pregnancy, she knew her options, and we talked about them. She told me that if she kept the child I would need to be involved in its life.In my late twenties, commitment, fatherhood, and responsibil-ities were the last things I wanted. Although we decided together for abortion, there’s no doubt that my input tipped the scales. I didn’t think for one moment that the abortion would affect our relationship. But once back at her place, she changed her tune saying, “I don’t want you in my life anymore. We are done. You are all about you.” No amount of trying to convince her in the coming weeks with owers and a piece of jewelry softened her. She ended things between us.Life was no longer good. I thought I had made the best decision for me. Still, I had tremendous guilt and shame for disregarding life in the womb—I knew that it wasn’t just tissue—and not offer-ing Cheryl support to keep the child. I was full of self-loathing for my utter selshness. I was frightened at how depressed and suicidal I was becoming. My abortion experience had changed

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Giving Hope to Others51who I was. Drugs helped numb the pain but didn’t help my job performance.I owe it to my boss, who was prepared to give me a second chance if I went to a drug recovery program. There, I met Paul, who shared why he started using drugs—his own involvement in an abortion. We’ve been friends now for ten years.Together we got involved in an after-abortion support pro-gram for men—I never knew those existed—and I began working through my unresolved thoughts and feelings. Hearing the men’s stories helped me identify and acknowledge other emotions and how I needed to forgive myself. Together with Paul, I now often share my story with other men. I just want them to have hope and to know they are not alone in their pain. Life is once again good, and it gets better the more I am able to give hope to others.What Did You Think?• What did you take away from Larry’s story?• What are some things you related to?Step 2Just like you read in Larry’s story, many men begin sharing their stories in small groups to give others hope that they are not alone. In small support groups, the condentiality of “What is shared here, stays here” is always stressed. But outside of that arena, if sharing your story with friends, ask them to respect your condence by not mentioning it to others. It’s your story to com-municate with each person who is trusted to hear it.

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Support After Abortion52You’ll know when you’re ready to begin telling your story. Be willing to be vulnerable and to be yourself. There is no right or wrong way to share. You’ll know what to say and how much to say.This brings me to an important question that you may or may not feel ready to consider. If you are not prepared to answer it, do not put pressure on yourself. The question is:• Who is there that should know about your abortion involve-ment? Perhaps your current spouse or partner, or a family member?Take a moment to think about this question. Perhaps make a list of the names of people who come to mind. Consider how you would want to approach them. You could seek input about doing this from a trusted friend or counselor. Remember: if this thought makes you feel uncomfortable, then perhaps now is not the time to move on it.If you’re invited to share your story with a broader audience, you may well be revealing others’ stories. Your story is their story too. While it is vitally important to share the truth of your story to the best of your ability, it is equally important to think of the other people in your story. It can be a good idea to not use real names, for example, so as not to damage someone else. Another point: if accepting an invitation to share beyond a small support group setting, you ought to mention it ahead of time to anyone involved in your abortion story if you are in con-tact with them currently.That said, are you ready to begin thinking about paying it for-ward? Have you ever thought of the positive impact you could

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Giving Hope to Others53have on another man’s life? It is such a privilege to bring hope to another person. It will further your own healing.Isn’t it incredible to think that your story could be the key to open a door for another’s healing? You’ll be amazed at how opportunities will come to share your experience. Remember the stories of Justin, Kurt, Larry, or the boy tossing starsh back into the ocean? They were changing one life at a time. And we’re condent that when the time is right, you will be too!Actions• Take a picture of the resources and support organizations starting on page on page 55. Then you’ll have it at your n-gertips ready to pass onto others.• Think of where you can share a PDF or print copy of this booklet for others to view.Points to Review • I can change one life at a time for any man suffering with his abortion story. Because he knows that I’ve walked the same path, I will assure him that he’s not alone. • There are different platforms on which to share my abor-tion journey.

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Support After Abortion54Final Thought and Meditation“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”—Brené Brown“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.”—Arthur AsheThere Is More for YouPlease don’t think of this as the nal key. That’s because we hear the rattling of many other keys that will open more and more doors for you on your healing journey in the coming days, weeks, months, and years. Perhaps you will nd them in the resources listed at the back of this booklet. You’ll know what they are. Please pick these keys up for yourself and share them with other men recovering from an abortion decision.

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55Start Your Support HereSupport After Abortion (SAA)844-289-HOPE (4673)supportafterabortion.comNational AgenciesAlcoholics Anonymous (AA)212-870-3400www.aa.orgNarcotics Anonymous (NA)818-773-9999www.na.orgNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline800-273-8255www.suicidepreventionlifeline.orgNational Domestic Violence Hotline800-799-7233www.thehotline.orgNational Human Trafficking Hotline888-373-7888Text 233733www.humantrafckinghotline.org

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Support After Abortion56Co-Dependents Anonymous888-444-2359www.coda.orgRAINN: Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network800-656-4673www.rainn.orgNational Alliance on Mental Health800-950-6264www.nami.orgGrief Resource Network828-726-9554www.griefresourcenetwork.com-crisis-center/hotlinesGrief Anonymouswww.griefanonymous.comAmerican Pregnancy Helpline—Miscarriages866-942-6466Crisis Text LineText 741741www.crisistextline.org

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Start Your Support Here57Faith-Based AgenciesProject Rachel Ministry888-456-HOPE (4673)www.hopeafterabortion.orgMinisterio Proyecto Raquel888-456-HOPE (4673)www.esperanzaposaborto.org Rachel’s Vineyard MinistryToll-Free retreat information: 877 HOPE 4 ME (877-467-3463) www.rachelsvineyard.org Lumina/Hope & Healing After Abortion877-586-4621www.postabortionhelp.orgProject Joseph469-720-2273 (CARE)healing@projectjosephdallas.orgMen and Abortion513-729-3600www.menandabortion.netOnline SupportAbortion Changes Youwww.abortionchangesyou.com

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Support After Abortion58Prayer LinesChristian Broadcasting Network with the 700 ClubPrayer Line800-700-7000www1.cbn.com/700clubJoy FM Prayer Line877-800-7729www.orida.thejoyfm.comTrinity Broadcasting Network Prayer Line888-731-1000www.tbn.orgDaystar Prayer Line800-329-0029Bethel Church Prayer Line530-255-2066www.bethel.com/ministries/healing-roomsBreakthrough Prayer Line800-424-8644Life Outreach International Prayer Line800-947-5433www.lifetoday.org

Support After Abortion Men - Non-Faith

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