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Windows Lindsay Shepherd 2021

Contents Windows 3 Disaster 4 Birth 5 Princess 6 9 11 7 Life 8 Soul 9

Windows Some may consider me unstable others might say I m well cultured both might be true I have called ocean fronts in Hawaii mountain sides in Utah Plaines in Kansas and cityscapes in Texas my home I call people of various backgrounds races religions ethnicities and political affiliations my family and my friends I have attended soirees in mansions and on yachts with doctors lawyers and trust fund babies I have attended barbecues on the beach with the homeless I have partied with the strangest and kindest of strangers at festivals held in massive venues I have slept on deflating air mattresses and slumbered on plush California kings I traveled across the world and back again Each of these people these places and these experiences have shaped someone I am proud to be Each moment in our life determines who we are in the next moment Every experience is a chapter in our individual stories Most of those stories go untold becoming just a fleeting moment and a fading memory in our ever aging minds Unless they are captured on camera in the pages of a journal or shared in a blog more often than not they are eventually gone forever My journal entries give you a window into my journey They are the recounts of the journeys within the grand journey that is my life up to this moment as well as my hopes aspirations and anticipations into my future These entries breathe enteral life into my journey from my own perspective When I am long gone the loved ones I leave behind can relive these moments with me through the pages of my journal In this way I am immortal

I Disaster n 2008 graduated from Plano Senior High School in Plano Texas I am no stranger to extreme weather in Texas or so I thought Texas is known for its scorching hot summers but earlier this week Texas got hit with extreme weather of a different kind Freezing temperatures accompanied by ice and snow that they were clearly not prepared for To be clear I have also lived in the mountains of Utah I am no stranger to frigid winters either I saw the forecast and was not worried in the least There was really no warning for the absolute disaster that would soon unfold On Valentine s day I was checking some emails and trying to get caught up on some work so that we could go out that night when the power went out in our room We decided to go grab a bite to eat and assumed the power would be back on when we got back It was not We called family members and they were in the same boat So we played some games and went to bed early I woke up chilly at around 2am My son was asleep on the pull out bed so I turned to turn on the lamp so that I could cover him in some extra blankets and check the thermostat but the light didn t turn on The electricity was still out I began to worry but figured there wasn t much I could do at 2am so I covered my son up and went back to sleep I woke again at 5am still no electricity and I was significantly colder I woke my husband so he could pick up my son and bring him to bed with us At 7am I woke again still no power I began to worry We are in the process of moving back to Texas but still don t have a house there so I called my nearby family members to check on them My mom didn t have power but my sister did so we decided to go there As we exited the hotel stairwell the fire sprinkler pipes began leaking and the roads just outside were completely covered in ice My anxiety was building up What should have been a 15 minute drive to my sister s house took nearly 30 due to the conditions on the road When we arrived her power had just gone out but she had a fire place so we helped build a fire to keep warm The blackouts were supposed to be rolling but ours never came back on We went from store to store looking for firewood and food that we could cook on the fire Shelves had been cleared in most places so we went to local parks and nature preserves to gather as much wood as possible The next day wood was scarce so we rationed what we had and broke down my sister s wooden patio furniture for wood to keep warm that night I was truly scared but didn t want to worry my children or hers Not only did we not have power but cell service in most areas was non existent We had to brave the road searching for service to call and email supervisors and teachers to inform them of our circumstances before we went looking for more wood during the day to stay warm at night With minimal connection to the outside world or news sources minimal resources and options we were left to fend for ourselves and protect our children for four days This wasn t like a camping trip you plan for a camping trip We did not have warning or accurate information as the situation unfolded We were told the outages would be rotating they did not rotate The outrage as we drove past the massive houses in the extremely affluent neighborhoods with their homes lit up like Christmas as we went looking for firewood was infuriating I spent night scared for my family and pets BUT I learned a lesson We will be keeping our camping gear handy and a stockpile of water handy I will keep extra bottles of propane on hand and WILL be buying a bigger generator Luckily I am the only one in my family that got sick during this hellish week If a few busted pipes and an upper respiratory infection is the worst that happened to us we are lucky Over 40 have lost their lives to this in Texas alone that s in addition to the 8 that lost their lives to a 135 vehicle pile up just before the blackouts began We got lucky and next time we will be prepared

M Birth y Mom has told me the story of my birth many times since I was a young girl She has always kept the details she shared at an age appropriate level So naturally as I aged she progressively shared more with me When I was a young girl my Mom told me all of the happy fluffy details of the day I was born She showed me pictures the striped blanket I was wrapped in for my first pictures and our hospital bracelets I recall the first few times I was told about my birthday thinking it sounded like such a magical day Which in some ways it was but it wasn t all sunshine and rainbows My mom gave birth to a premature baby just over a year before becoming pregnant with me His lungs collapsed shortly after his birth and he tragically passed She was also very young just 19 when I was born On top of all of this she was far from home Living in Chicago on base with my father who had a tendency to occasionally become paranoid and jealous which sometimes led to violence All of these factors led to her being very protective of me even before I was born So the day she went into labor she was terrified After a few hours of labor her doctor suggested that they assist the labor process by manually breaking her water Even though she hesitatingly agreed she kicked the doctor as he began towards her with what she described as a giant metal crochet hook After the doctor calmed her nerves she allowed him to break her water After a few more hours of labor I was born My mom said when she saw me for the first time she cried Not out of happiness but because I had a weirdly misshapen head and I was wrinkly and reddish colored She cried because she had an ugly baby She had never seen a new born other than my premature older brother who was tiny but perfectly proportioned due to his small size She laughs about thinking I was ugly within moments of my birth Thankfully the next day I looked more like what she expected When she reminisces about holding me in the days following my birth she seems to recall what I looked like so vividly She tells me about running her fingers over my tiny hands and thinking about how long and beautiful my little fingers were She talks about the shape of my eyes and long lashes She recalls the olive tone of my skin When my mom tells me the story of our first days together it is hard not to feel the deep undying maternal love she had for me then and still has for me today

S Princess ixteen year olds are rarely if ever as smart as they think they are Reflecting back on the choices I made at 16 I can assure you I was not as smart as I thought I was I don t even think I am as smart now as I thought I was then It was 2016 on a beautiful fall day in Texas when it hit me that my symptoms were eerily similar to those people talked about having in early pregnancy Fear set in as I drove to a store across town so nobody I knew would see me buying a pregnancy test My mom worked a fairly predictable schedule so I knew as I went upstarts to pee on a stick approximately how long I would have to destroy the evidence before she came home As I stood there over the 3 positive pregnancy tests I wondered what the possibility of 3 false positives was Probably not very high I told my boyfriend that day but we kept it to ourselves for a few weeks I never actually told my mom she told me She must have noticed a few other telltale signs before she yelled YOU RE PREGNANT when I gagged at the smell of fresh lettuce as I pulled it from the fridge to feed our tortoise When the cat was out of the bag my mother and my aunt had countless talks with me about my options My mom had me at 19 and my aunt had her oldest at 16 They were well informed on the repercussions of having children as young as I was I didn t listen to any of their suggestions I took the hard route and had a child a month after turning 17 Isabella Rene She s stunning and has taught me so many lessons Most have been lessons learned the hard way As anyone with a modicum of intelligence might expect a child raising a child is bound to stumble and fall be forced to make sacrifices and walk a tough road I have I have stumbled and fallen I have had to give up many of the joys of being a young adult in order to be the best parent I could be Regardless of the sacrifices tears struggles and hardships we have faced together I am so thankful for the lessons she has taught me I am thankful for the wisdom gained that I am able to share with others including her

I 9 11 th was in my 8 grade English class at Wilbur Middle School in Wichita Kansas when my view of the world changed forever I recall another teacher running into the classroom interrupting my teacher whispering in her ear She looked shocked and walked into the hall to talk to other teachers I suspect they were discussing what they should or should not say to us My teacher returned to the room and told us that a plane had been hi jacked and flown into a trade center building in New York I recall having a lot of questions but she didn t ask us if we had questions She told us that we would be going home for the remainder of the day and asked us which of us would normally be picked up by our parents or walk home so that we could take turns calling our parents to make arrangements for them to pick us up I still had questions that I really wanted answers to Who would do this Why How many people died As we waited to leave our teacher turned on the news While we watched this live stream on the news the second plane hit Then we were informed that the pentagon was also hit I was shocked into a temporary numbness I think it was an emotional overload I knew there was ugliness in the world that was not new information Seeing acts of terrorism resulting in mass casualties just made that ugliness real It made it clear that it could happen anywhere and that I was not immune Children were not immune It was not just something that happened in other parts of the world It happens here and it could happen to me or someone I love All of these thoughts and emotions came flooding into the forefront of my mind when I got home I didn t cry hysterically but I did shed a few tears as I was robbed of my na ve view of the world in a single afternoon on September 11th 2001

A Life ll you touch and all you see is all your life will ever be This is one of my favorite quotes It is a line in the song Breathe by Pink Floyd I had heard this song many times before I really listened to it There is a big difference between hearing and listening in my opinion This line really struck me when I was in high school Up to this point in my life I had been a bit resentful of my mother for moving us around so much I suppose this was the time in my life where I was able to find the silver lining in the instability of my life This line in this song set that thought process in motion for me I was able to see that it what can accurately be described as instability in my life has also shaped me into who I was and would become I would consider myself to be well traveled and far more cultured than I may have been if I didn t move around as much or at all This also fostered my love of travel If I stay in one place very long I get the itch to move To keep myself from constantly moving I travel A LOT I don t travel to resorts or super touristy destinations When I travel I try to immerse myself in the local culture This can be scary for some However I am very used to being in unfamiliar places with unfamiliar people So this is a familiar experience and one I don t tend to run from I feel that this fosters very culturally rich and informative experiences for me and the reason for some of the greatest memories of my life So if all I touch and all I see is all my life will ever be then I am living a life I am grateful for and proud of

W Soul alking down Khaosan Road in Bangkok taking in the sounds and smells of the street vendor s carts rolling down the road the tuk tuks zooming by the sizzle and aroma of the food cooking next to us the music coming from the bar above and the chatter of multiple languages being spoken all around The afternoon drizzle hitting my skin as the light breeze kisses my face and blows by This is the world my grandma grew up in the gentle smile on her face as we sit down to wait out the rain is priceless to me A memory I hope to hold on forever As I look at her beautiful face I feel her soul trying to soak up each moment of this last trip to her homeland She is nearly 90 and knows all too well she won t be able to make this trip again It was an honor and a privilege to be a part of her last trip home From Khaosan road to the temples the Kings summer estate and her home town of Pakthogchai every moment was precious to me Sharing it with her touched my spirit and filled my soul with beautiful memories