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2 Introduction W hen writing about myself I like to write wisdom I like to reflect upon my life and try to shed light on the past I had seen as dark Many of these pieces feature intimate parts of my life that hold strong meaning to me Each part of the past I include comes from a place of love to my old self love and well wishes We are our own worst critics and we often become highly critical of ourselves without really considering our situations To you I may just be some writer with words on a page To some I am just another person Though we may not know each other or be close I still hope that reading this allows you to see myself as I do or once did By sharing these works with you I hope to share wisdom love and a spirit of story writing and story telling Writing is powerful and learning to control that power can give you incredible strength It has given me more strength than I know despite no longer writing as much as I did before Each piece contains wisdom that I learned in therapy Therapy has helped me through many tough times small issues and underlying traumas It may not be written out loud in my words but in my mind I know those parts exist beneath the surface Open the windows of your mind to the fresh air from outside and you might get some free therapy from me from others maybe even from yourself Ask yourself the same questions I do experience the world with a fondness of the unknown Change is scary but change is progress By pushing our comfort zones we allow ourselves more flexibility and more comfort Open your doors let in the light Give the world a chance to impress you when the world you experience oft lets you down Give yourself time and nurture yourself to see the good through the bad and the ugly You have no idea what you don t know

3 Table of Contents Introduction 2 Sanctuary 4 Purpose 5 The Process 6 Foam Kickboard 7 Treasure 8 Euphoria 9

4 Sanctuary If I were to create an ideal writing space for myself it would be very simplistic because I don t ask for a lot It would be a private setting in a calm room behind closed doors in a quiet area no noisy neighbors no traffic no construction nothing like that I would have to break the rule of no noise completely because total silence is deafening to me I like to listen to music while I write because it helps put me in the moods I need to feel so I would either play music on a low volume or use my own headphones if it were a group setting There would be plenty of comfortable seats like pillows or soft beanbag chairs so that you can write without having to constantly readjust your position in a stiff chair There would be low warm lighting around the room for a relaxed atmosphere because I love when the lights are low and makes everything feel cozy Of course there has to be snacks and hydration close by or on hand so you don t have to break out of your writing zone to take care of yourself That is my ideal writing space and hopefully it would be a comfortable writing space for others

5 Purpose I don t think my life has a purpose Sometimes I say that because I feel sad but I also say that because I honestly do not think my life has a purpose I don t know why I m here nor do I know what I m supposed to do with myself I don t know how to share my gifts well and I m not a great leader While I wouldn t say I feel lost I certainly don t feel like I know what to do or where to go I don t know what my purpose is if I have one My life doesn t need purpose though I just think I m just here to live to experience and I can make what I want of life That being said I don t have a concrete life path There are goals I have that I want to achieve but I don t have an ultimate goal or solid plan Right now the only goals I have are to finish my associate s degree and get top surgery soon so that I can live more comfortably To do that I just have to stay on the path that I m on I have to keep working and saving up money keep on top of school to maintain my Pell Grant and to find a surgeon to do the procedure I m looking for I m really close to achieving both because I have a good sum of money saved up I know a surgeon that might do the procedure I have to wait for the consultation and I m close to finishing my first half of my degree After I achieve these goals I m not sure what my next plan will be Maybe I ll move on to a university and continue college maybe I ll strive to move out to live on my own or I ll keep saving for whatever thing I want next Right now I just want to focus on getting to this first landmark before seeking out more

6 The Process There have been many times when language has inspired me in my life In fact I tend to collect quotes that inspire me or resonate with me on a different level This is about how my therapist had taught me the process in a way I could understand by using a specific situation as an example For the longest time I heard everyone talk about trust the process I had no idea what the hell the process was and it was frustrating to be told this over and over when I consulted others for advice Frankly I got sick of hearing it to the point that it pissed me off because I just didn t understand so it didn t help me When I asked my therapist he wanted me to try to find my own definition for the process to help me but I still had no real grasp of what this process was One day he explained to me how the process looked He used another one of his clients to explain This client all I knew was that he was a client and a kid struggled in math class because the teacher wanted him to show the work even though he could do it in his head I was the same way My therapist explained that the process is like a math equation you re trying to solve for X and showing how you get the answer The process is plugging a number in trying something or in life working with what you have or what s going on to solve the problem You show your steps in your head to see what does and does not work for you to cope or overcome the issue It s annoying and frustrating just like math But if you do it it might actually help you

7 Foam Kickboard I always learn my lessons the hard way I tend to get told that I m very smart and mature for my age less now that I m actually considered an adult but I ve learned a lot by making so many mistakes It s hard to pick a lesson since there have been so many and some of them learned long enough ago that I can t remember them well If I had to pick one it would probably be that You can either say how you feel and fuck something up or say nothing and let it fuck you up instead I have always been a people pleaser I love to put others before myself because I hate conflict I hate confrontation and I hate to hurt other people whether I really am hurting them or not I would stay neutral in arguments I would stay out of drama and generally avoid anything that involved taking sides I just liked to make others happy Even if it meant that it made me unhappy I have a bad habit of pushing down my feelings like one of those foam swimming boards you struggle to get it under the water and hold it there Then when I couldn t handle being quiet anymore I would blow up with anger and frustration like when the foam board shoots up out of the water and hits you in the face Sometimes to keep myself in a fair mood I would push my emotions into a dam of unsaid and unfelt things Then the moment I felt one small emotion crack through the whole dam would break and flood until I was back at an acceptable level of emotional constipation It was and still sometimes is a difficult thing to accept There was no way I could please myself and others and no matter how hard I could try I would always be a villain in someone s story I just had to accept it but I still struggle with it at times especially when I worry that I ll upset someone who hasn t really wronged me or deserved to be let down I m much better at it now even when I struggle and I m getting better at being honest about my feelings and speaking up when things make me unhappy I m finally able to see how harmful it is to myself to please others I don t need everyone to be my friend but I don t need to make enemies I just need to be myself and do what makes me happy

8 Treasure A treasure that I always keep on me is my driver s license I keep it in my wallet which always goes in my pocket when I go out or go somewhere For most people it is very unimportant and is only necessary for when you get pulled over by a cop or go to buy a product meant for adults of certain ages For me it is much more than just that My driver s license is my ID It is something I use to identify myself to prove that I am me While that may seem that everybody knows that and it s no big deal it s incredibly important to me Why Because of my name For those of you who my not know me or never looked at me closely you may not notice that I was born in the wrong body I am transgender I was born as a female but being identified as so made me horribly unhappy and uncomfortable so I decided to find myself I found who I was in 2013 began experimenting to find myself Once I decided I was comfortable as I was I came out in 2014 I then began to socially transition from female to male I got bullied for it by those who didn t understand and was discriminated against by those who refused to show compassion to those outside of their ideas But because I was happy with myself I wasn t fazed I wasn t hurt I tried to change my name 2017 when I was 16 years old but due to complications it never went through I was devastated and I felt hopeless about continuing my transition because I couldn t change my name nor get on hormones at that age It crushed me and it took a lot of work in therapy to ease the pain It was a grueling 2 year wait before I could take action for myself I tried to change my name again in 2019 when I turned 18 and could legally do it myself This time it worked and by January of 2020 my name was legally changed I had already been on hormones for a couple of months by then and I felt much better about being able to transition I was proud to see my name my real name on legal documents I didn t get my name changed on my driver s license until mid October of 2020 due to the pandemic and it kept me from voting but the pride I felt once I had my ID was more valuable than that Although the sex of the license is still unchanged my next goal is to change that as well By the time I m 20 I hope to have my true identity and self on all of my legal documents I want to be able to be myself without risk of being incorrectly addressed Therefore my driver s license is my greatest treasure that I keep on me at all times

9 Euphoria As a person who is not religious nor has any beliefs I have had many meaningful spiritual moments I tend to experience these moments as epiphanies like a lightbulb going off in my head Sometimes it comes across as sentimental and emotional euphoria that washed over like a warm and soft blanket and a pair of rose tinted glasses It s those small moments that remind me that I m getting better that I m becoming okay Sometimes the warm euphoria comes from a long relaxing drive where I can just think while I follow the road Other times it drapes itself upon me while I m gathered around the firepit at my friend s house when I m out with people I like and when I have moments to myself that bring me to peace It s moments like those that I aim to save and treasure Some of these happy spiritual moments come from sitting in my room Since my room is on the second story above the dining room and one of the windows facing that roof doesn t have a screen in it I can easily open my window and climb out onto the little roof that juts out I sit up there and bask in the sun on a towel in the summer and feel the warm summer and spring nights against my skin when I listen to music and think out there It s a spot I treat as a getaway from the rest of the house my personal balcony The other times I experience meaningful moments are those epiphanies where I come to realize I ve gotten better When certain setbacks no longer block me when I catch myself taking advice from my therapist when I look back at my memories and realize how much better I am today They are far and few apart but important nonetheless

10 Thank You Thank you for reading I hope you enjoyed my works