Return to flip book view

1

2 Release the Fear And Find Your Purpose Because It’s Not Over, Until You Win! Discovering the Way to Walk Out of FEAR Victoria Lee, Author, Speaker TV Host www.makingithappentv.com victorialee@makingithappentv.com Copyright 2021

3 Chapter One If I Could, I Would If I could rewrite the seasons of my life, I would choose never to be afraid. Instead, I would embrace the challenges that occur with a sense of wonder and amazement. I spent too many years allowing disappointments and trials to defeat me only to find out decades later the trials were used as opportunities of growth. Someone once said the word “fear” stood for False Evidence Appearing Real. Yet, for those who are challenged by fear, the adrenaline that runs through their body at that moment feels anything but false. The good news is after many years of struggling with the debilitating effects of fear, I can tell

4 you that fear really is the equivalent of a speck of sand we build into a giant pyramid in our own minds. Our mind truly is our battlefield. Very seldom do the things we fear deserve the incredible negative attention we give them. When I was a small child, my home life was very unstable and abusive. As a result, it helped set a pattern of expected defeat in my young mind. My father was an alcoholic and very abusive. My mother was extremely young and naïve; she really was not capable of guiding me through the hurdles of life that terrified me. To a child, the uncertainties often hide the truth. We fear the unknown because our past experiences have often proven to be everything we feared. The fear we exhibited magnetically drew the devastation to us.

5 Most parents of fearful children are living in a realm of fear themselves. The situation causes the cycle of fear to be repeated from one generation to the next. How can a person who comes from an unstable home know how to parent children when they themselves were misguided? My father came from a broken home and his father was known to indulge in a variety of intoxicating beverages. So, without some type of reprogramming, my father was groomed to follow in his father’s footsteps.

6 Chapter Two Releasing Fear Brings Success If I could pass a bill in Congress, it would be one that requires all school systems to add a program to their curriculum that teaches children how to overcome adversity. The program would teach them how to “look at a glass as half full rather than half empty” or even “how to turn negative thoughts into incredible avenues of growth” -- in other words, a “NO FEAR” class. I interviewed a young successful singer a few years ago. He told me he was so anxious to begin his singing career as a teenager that he moved to New York alone. I was amazed. I asked him how he was able to travel clear across the country at such a tender age without the daily support of his parents. “Weren’t you afraid” I said. He replied, “Afraid of what? People are just people wherever you go.” The only thing you have to fear is fear itself –the belief in False Evidence Appearing Real.

7 Well, needless to say, I felt a little less intelligent knowing he had defeated his fears at an early age. I had spent numerous years just trying to talk myself into a “No Fear” attitude. People and obstacles really are the same no matter where they find themselves geographically. So, what could a person do to develop a “No Fear” response to the challenges of life? Above all, they need to believe in themselves by realizing that they have a purpose for being on this earth – a reason for living; a part to play in the plan of life. They need to believe that they don’t exist just to take up space but to fill a specific position – a place of employment so to speak. Therefore, in realizing their worth - their undeniable place in creation - they can expect good things to come their way. When negative things do happen, they realize they are only temporary setbacks - not the end to their dreams.

8 Chapter Three A New Way To Think I wish I could take the hand of every small child and young adult. I would personally show them a quick glance into their future so they could see how incredibly awesome they are. I would help them believe that the world is crying out for their unique gifts and talents that only they can provide. A few years back, I spoke to a group of young teenagers in a program designated for troubled kids. As I looked over the group, I noticed a young man that had the typical “nerd” image screaming out of him. (Somewhat like this young man)

9 It was almost as if I could read his thoughts of insecurity - misfit, unwanted, and undesirable. That day in class, I used him as an example of what it means to believe a lie about themselves instead of the truth. I wanted to help them understand how valuable each of them is to the world. As I left that day, I knew the students understood themselves somewhat better. The young man I pointed out presented me with a button that read, “Too blessed to be stressed.” He always carried that button with him to encourage himself. Somehow after the meeting, he felt a little less need for it. I was never the “nerdy” type growing up, but I certainly was one of the many students that felt like a misfit - unwanted and undesirable. As I look back now, it all seems so silly. Yet at the time, it was a true image of how I saw myself. I remember always being afraid the teacher

10 would ask me a question in class that I wouldn’t know. I was constantly thinking, “Please don’t let her call on me.” I was so shy and so sure that everyone could see how incompetent I was -- the feelings of inadequacy rang through my entire body. Have you ever heard the story about the little child whose mother was correcting him, and he said, “I might be sitting down on the outside, but I’m standing up on the inside.” I wish all children during those critical years could learn to “stand up on the inside” – not out of rebellion, but out of a sense of knowing who they are. When I was young, I hated to voice my opinion because I felt sure it would be different from the others around me. Being different certainly was not something I wanted to accomplish on purpose, so I tried to keep quiet. Since I was not sure of my own worth, I was not capable of viewing my judgments as valuable. I have since learned that we all have something to add to a conversation. No opinion is any less valuable than another.

11 Chapter Four Guard Your Heart I wonder why God made such a variety of different individuals. Why are some tall, some short, some skinny, and some with a few extra pounds? Why do some people enjoy exploring the scientific realm while others lean toward a more creative side? We know that both are important avenues to travel. Why then do some of us put such little importance on our own individual differences? Why is Mark’s view so much more valid to Don than his own is? Why does Emily feel it is her lot in life to let everything that comes out of Sara’s mouth be more important than her own? The answer lies in the way we view ourselves. Okay, so if you are viewing yourself in the wrong way – what do you do about it? Stand up on the inside! Make a conscious choice to rid yourself of any negative talk that goes on in your own head about who you really are. You know what they say, “Garbage in; garbage out.”

12 If you are filling your heart or mind with negative images of yourself – STOP IT. You must also go where you are celebrated -- not just tolerated. Sometimes we surround ourselves with people that have such a low opinion of themselves that they try to build their ego by attacking ours. Rid yourself of their presence until you are strong enough emotionally to “stay standing up on the inside.” How you view yourself dictates every area of your life. If you are not taking care of your emotional growth, you are allowing someone else to do it for you and that will never work. Remember the saying, “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Who set that lie in motion? Words are powerful – they can make or break you if you allow them to define you. So many young people grow up hearing words like – “You dummy, you’ll never amount to anything” or “Children should be seen and not heard” or “You’re just like your father. Look what a bum he turned out to be.” Yes, those were just words, but to a young

13 person who is trying to find their way in this world, those words are defining moments. Words speak death or life to our very existence. They either build us up or tear us down. When they tear us down, they envelope us in a cocoon of fear that begins to grow inside us like a fast-growing cancer. We must learn to guard our hearts and determine whether each situation is good for us. Taking care of ourselves is not a selfish act – it is a necessary endeavor. It is what makes us able to be what the world needs us to be. It is what enables us to complete our tasks and share our talents and abilities with others. You must realize that the real you is incredibly valuable. The real you is worthy to be respected, admired, and loved.

14 Chapter Five Words Do Matter I was the middle child growing up. Too often, I found myself being overlooked because my shy nature did not seem to announce to my parents that I needed attention. Instead, they thought my lack of communication meant all was well. I am sure they had no idea that I was silently screaming out to be heard but I did not know how to let them know. There is a saying, “The squeaky wheel gets the grease.” If you are not getting what you need, start squeaking. The Bible says, “you have not because you ask not.” No one knows what you need more than you do. If you need a hug, go give one. If you need a word of encouragement, go strengthen someone else. If you need to be

15 heard, start talking. As a young child, when I heard the saying, “Children should be seen and not heard,” I took it literally and it went deep into my heart. It took years before I realized what a defining moment those words spoken over me had become. Those words should have been, “Children should be seen and listened to very carefully.” It would have made all the difference in the world as to how I viewed myself. Most parents strive very hard to be the best they can be to their children. However, very often they do not have the necessary knowledge as adults to carry out their intentions. They do not realize that their lack of knowledge is detrimental to their child or that their own insecurities are hindering them from raising emotionally healthy children. It is so important to have the facts. Parents need to understand the emotional stages of growth that is required for each child to advance into a well-rounded individual. As a young girl, I had no idea I was missing some critical stages – unfortunately neither did my parents.

16 Fear often comes disguised. For some, it is displayed in a fit of rage. For others, it is exhibited through depression or cowering under. I recently heard about a fourteen-year-old boy who threw a brick at an oncoming car and shattered the windshield. When the driver of the car slammed on his breaks and came running towards the boy, the boy fell on the ground in a fetal position and cried uncontrollably. You see, what the driver of the car did not know and what the young boy didn’t understand is that fear had an incredible grip on him -- fear of how his parents were going to survive their marital battles; fear of not knowing if they would be there for him the next day; fear of not fitting in with his peers. Every day had become a battle to stay ahead of the surges of uncertainty about life that raged through him. The brick was merely an effort to release the pressure that was mounting. He never thought about the repercussions of his actions – he simply was trying to dispose of his anger. He never considered how very destructive his actions were or even that they would not fix his problem.

17 I wonder how many young people choose the wrong set of actions everyday hoping it will give them some relief from the confusion in their minds. Little do they know, there is an easier way. A few years ago, I went to speak at a woman’s prison in Taft, Oklahoma. It was heartbreaking to see women of all ages who had made life-changing decisions that were not conducive in their pursuit of a good life. Spur of the moment actions had put them in jeopardy, because they didn’t have the mindset to choose what was best for their future. They didn’t consider the repercussions of their actions until it was too late to turn back. Often, they had been influenced by a husband or boyfriend. People pleasers are crying out to be loved and yet fearful that they will never measure up, so they risk their lives just to prove to someone that they are worthy. People pleasers are in abundance in prisons. They have failed to see their true worth, so they suffer the consequences.

18 Chapter Six Fear Is A Destroyer To develop a “No Fear” attitude, you first must realize how valuable you are. Fear is a lack of confidence in ourselves and our abilities. Yet those who wrestle with it the most have no idea how to rid themselves of it. My heart cries for the young people who end up behind bars paying for crimes they barely even understood. Most of the time, they have never been given the attention they so desired and needed. They have never been taught how to respect themselves. I never displayed my fear through acts of violence - I never had the courage to do anything contrary to what someone else thought I should do. I was one of those fear-driven individuals who majored in depression and cowered to others. If truth were told, fear whether displayed through anger or depression is still a recipe for disaster.

19 Fear causes you to accept behavior from others that creates an unsafe place for you. Fear causes you to act out in ways that cause good people to alienate themselves from you. Fear causes you to make unwise decisions that will negatively change the course of your life. Fear and faith are total opposites, and yet they work in quite the same way. Faith is believing in something before you see it. You can fear something that is dreadful – and your faith in it will cause it to happen. On the other hand, you can believe in something wonderful and your faith in it will cause it to happen as well. Why not decide to use your faith in a positive manner? I remember all too well how influenced I was by the situations that surrounded me. I was so shy and introverted because of my dysfunctional upbringing - I did not really know what my true desires were. I always second-guessed myself. I could walk into a department store knowing exactly what I would like to purchase. However, I would walk out with something totally different because someone would persuade me

20 to purchase something else. When I went to restaurants with friends, I would wait to see what they were ordering. I did not want to be the oddball that ordered something that was either too expensive or undesirable to the others. Did you know there are some very elementary skills that every individual needs to develop to live in a contented state of mind? Let’s go through them.

21 Chapter Seven Make Good, Confident Decisions Decisions were a total maze for me. I was so confident in the belief that everyone else knew more than I did. Guess what? They did not. However, their opinion was so far above mine that I continued to accept their desires rather than my own. I needed someone to tell me that I could make good decisions. Ironically, no one ever did because they didn’t know they needed to. The first time I looked for a job, I accepted employment at a place I did not even want to work. Since they willingly hired me, I felt compelled to accept. That decision kept me tied to an area of service for years simply because it earmarked me in a certain direction. Knowing how to make proper decisions would have saved me a lot of time and anguish.

22 Chapter Eight Organize Your Life I had a dreadful time when it came to organizing clutter. Oh, I could do it for short periods of time. However, confusion would eventually set in, and I would be right back where I started. The pressure to reorganize was too stressful, so I put it off until another time. Have you ever had your desk at school or work so cluttered that you had to dig through every paper on it trying to find that little scrap of paper you wrote a phone number down on? It would have been so easy to write the number in your address book when you first received it or program it into your cell phone. Somehow, the clutter mode kicked into gear before that was able to happen. I wish I could back up and redo a lot of my decisions and actions of the past, but I can’t - that season is over. As a friend of mine once said, “This life is not a practice run. It is the real thing.” We only get one time to go around, so make it on your terms.

23 Chapter Nine Learn to Build Trust Intimate relationships were also a struggle for me. Whether with my parents, siblings, or friends – I just never felt safe in my own skin. Most of the time, I could fake it and make others think I had everything under control. The only thing I really had under control was the massive amount of fear I allowed to come into my life daily. What is so funny is it did not have to be that way -- I just did not know that at the time. On occasion, during my fearful years, I was complimented by individuals who said, “Victoria, you have it all together.” I would smile and say thank you, because I didn’t want to confess that inside I was a total wreck. When the foundation of who you are is built on sinking sand how could you expect to have it all together. The only explanation that made sense was I was walking through life on autopilot. I didn’t realize until years later that I had gifts and talents within me that unknowingly emerged when they were needed.

24 I had no idea that I had so much to offer. I didn’t know that it was okay to make a mistake and let others see it. I was afraid it would reveal my ignorance rather than a simple mishap. Have you ever heard the word “intimacy” defined as “into me see”? Real intimacy means allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with the ones we love and care about -- of course, only the ones that have our best interest at heart. However, those of us who struggle with fear are usually afraid to let anyone get too close because we’re just sure they are going to see something ugly and reject us. Early on, I had witnessed so much betrayal that I assumed that most people could not be trusted. Unfortunately, I blindly trusted everyone because I feared the rejection if I didn’t. Fear warped my definition of trust so when the truth did show up, I couldn’t recognize it.

25 Chapter Ten Learn the Art of Communication You know you really cannot have true communication unless there are at least two people contributing meaningful information. It is amazing how many times I forfeited my equal opportunity in conversations and allowed them to slant in someone else’s favor. Fear so often motivated me to relinquish my opinion. In my early dating years, a young man asked me to go out to dinner with him and we were going to join a married couple that we both knew. I was so excited because he had a flashy sports car. It was only a two-seater so I knew the other couple would have to take their four-door sedan and follow us to our destination. To my great disappointment, the other couple had what they thought was a better idea. They felt sure it would be more convenient if we all rode together in their roomy sedan. For fear of being tagged as a troublemaker, I never let my wishes be known and I never had another opportunity to speed down the highway in his shiny Jaguar.

26 Fear is a thief. Fear tells lies to you and about you. Fear causes you to miss some wonderful opportunities. One critical skill I thought I would never feel safe with was how to co-mingle with a person in authority. In hindsight, I can see now that I had a misguided view of authority. Authority is good when it is attached to someone who is looking out for your best interest. However, when it dictates your future in a way that brings harm to you or someone you love, then it is wrong and you have the right to not comply. Why do we allow people to bulldoze themselves into our lives when we know in our hearts their intent is wrong? Fear! Several years ago, I involved myself with a group of individuals that were supposed to be teaching others how to live life in a Christian manner. I had always leaned heavily toward spiritually enriching myself. So, when they entered my life, I anticipated taking one giant step forward. To my regret, the steps of increase could only be taken with their precise approval. I thought to myself, “Oh great! Once again, I’ve

27 fallen into a deep hole.” I was too fearful to immediately escape, so for a season of time I played the role and observed behavior that I did not want to duplicate. I did learn however, the difference in undeserved authority and control versus having respect for the one in authority who displays true and honest leadership rather that dictatorship. It's so fascinating when we look back at our journey through life. I often wished I could have do-overs – back up and start over. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to start life over, but it is possible to take what you have learned and allow it to launch you into the greatest season of your life.

28 Chapter 11 Develop Positive Relationships The most important thing in life is relationships. I have always been a people-oriented person. That sounds funny now knowing that I spent most of my life fearing the very people I chose to be around. However, that was the key - my choices. I wanted so desperately to be liked that I allowed my choices to be dictated by what others thought I needed instead of what I really wanted. I cannot tell you how many bad relationships I had simply because they wanted to be in my life – I did not have the courage to walk away from a negative relationship. Normally when I was in a relationship with a toxic person, it led me into situations that were harmful for me. It is astounding how we choose the people we let into our lives. If you know who you are and have a strong belief in yourself, one good relationship leads to another and another. However, if you are still trying to figure out your true identity, anyone who comes along is capable of attaching themselves to you.

29 When I was younger, it seemed like I had an invisible tattoo on my forehead that shouted to all morally corrupt people “Pick me, pick me!” because they usually did. I had a tough time distinguishing the true heart of a person. If they smiled a lot and had nice things to say, I assumed that’s who they were. I found out later when they finally took their invisible mask off that they were capable of displaying anger, violence and deceitful behavior. Fortunately, the first book I wrote was about a retired coach who I spent many hours interviewing. As I sat there and heard him explain the values he tried to instill in his players, I began to realize that I was sitting in front of a man with great integrity. I knew I was not being deceived this time, because numerous individuals came forward with outstanding accolades about this remarkable gentleman. I quickly became one of his admiring fans. The depth of his wisdom and the knowledge of his character gave me a better understanding of how to recognize sincerity in a person.

30 Chapter 12 Set Boundaries Boundaries is another crucial life lesson. In my youth, my boundaries were so indefinable that I allowed anyone or anything to invade my place of safety. Even though I didn’t trust people, I still immediately let my guard down and let them in. All they had to say was, “I like you,” and I would throw caution to the wind. Of course, if they were up to no good, it didn’t take long before they showed their true colors. Unfortunately, by then, they had already infiltrated my life to the point it was impossible to avoid the consequences of their behavior. On the other hand, some people build such high walls around them -- for fear of getting hurt once again -- that they miss opportunities to mingle with some of the “greats” in this world. Either way, fear has been the common denominator in boundary failure. As a teenager, I often felt overwhelmed by my circumstances. I could not seem to weed through all the unpredictability that the adults

31 around me sometimes displayed. Fear of the unknown paralyzed me. Now that I have survived those tumultuous years, I can confidently tell you to hang on to your dreams. The future will get brighter and the path through life will bring new horizons that are worthy of your patience. What are people to do when they are so enveloped in fear? How can you begin to see yourself as you truly are if you feel unworthy to be loved and respected? Your first step should be to take a short walk to the nearest mirror and look straight in it. Tell yourself what a wonderful person you really are. Did you know God didn’t make any junk? We just allowed debris to clutter our thinking until we no longer see the beauty that lies within us. As infants, we laugh and play and see ourselves as cute little characters, because most of the time the attention is all on us. Then, as we grow into toddlers, we somehow want to flex our muscles and stretch our personalities. Before long, we begin to think it is our little world and somehow, we are responsible for everything that happens in it. So, if anything goes wrong, we

32 somehow think it is our fault -- in our minds, we were in charge of our world. That is where all the fear begins. We begin to take on elements of guilt and shame that we should not take on. If our parents are emotionally healthy, chances are good we will follow their example and develop as we should. I am sad to say, nowadays -- often children are influenced by parents who have very little control over their own emotions. These parents find it impossible to guide their children in a direction that will enable them to have a bright future. I am convinced that everyone comes into this world as a good person. Unfortunately, the trials of life often turn people into anything but what they intended to become.

33 Chapter 13 It’s Not Over, Until You Win! I have an acquaintance that is a newspaper columnist. Every week for over 40 years, she has been writing a column titled, “Think On These Things.” Her intent was for every thought-provoking article to lead readers in an inspiring journey to better themselves through positive interactions. Her formula works. What a man thinks about himself, he eventually becomes whether -- negative or positive. The newspapers and television reports are full of stories of people who take out their feelings of unworthiness on others through acts of violence. There are daily reports of people who attempt to take their own lives because the effort to survive just did not seem worth it any longer. I am here to tell you; Life is Worth it. Episodes of violence, depression, and anxiety are all symptoms of how you see yourself. You must make a quality decision to have a better life. It is all up to you. When I finally decided that I was tired of feeling

34 the pain of rejection, guilt, and shame, life started taking on a whole new meaning. I am not saying it improved overnight, but my decision to make the change started the ball rolling. I encourage anyone who is wrestling with feelings of unworthiness to take another look in the mirror. A devoted friend once told me, “It’s never too late to reclaim your life.” Life is full of second, third and fourth chances. There is a passage in the Bible that says, “Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” How many times have we seen that to be true? How many times has it seemed like the sun would never shine in our life again, and yet it did? I have raised four children, founded, owned and operated my own business, interviewed hundreds of influential people, authored eight books, became the host of my own television show, and walked through many volatile doors that some will never enter. Most of my life has been a scary roller coaster ride, but I made it and I am here to tell my story of survival and restoration. I only hope that others can learn from my mistakes and continue their journey with renewed enthusiasm for all the remarkable

35 things that are in store for their future. Several years ago, I told someone that I wished I was farther along in my journey of self-discovery – I felt like I had wasted too many years of my life. The person I was addressing said, “No, you are right where you are supposed to be.” I did not accept that statement then, and I do not accept it now. Life is not supposed to be devoured by mishaps and fearful events. Oh, it is true that where we are is right where we are supposed to be if we do not know any better. However, I look forward to the day when young people in crisis situations receive the knowledge they need to rescue themselves sooner than later. I am waiting for the day when teenagers and young adults have the courage to stand up on the inside and stay standing. I long for the day when they can laugh at themselves for making mistakes and use them as learning tools. It will be a wonderful day when they can say “No” to others who are only there to harm them and “Yes” to those who desire to teach them great truths. Even in a world that seems overly chaotic at times, this journey through life has the potential

36 to be exciting and wondrous. Bad things happen to good people, but the mistakes do not have to defeat them. Examine yourself and see what changes need to be made to live a more fulfilled life. Please realize that you were created for a purpose, and it is incredibly important that you discover what that purpose is and start moving toward it. Rid yourself of negative thoughts that keep you from discovering the greatness that lies within you. Everyone has talents that need to be developed and shared with others. Not all talents are for the world-wide stage, but every talent is specifically designed for the unique person you have become. Don’t settle for a porch swing, when you should be traveling the world sharing your wisdom. However, do not belittle the behind the scenes talents, if you know in your heart that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.

37 Chapter 14 Action Steps to Take Now: 1. Speak only the truth about yourself. 2. Don’t allow negative thoughts to invade. 3. Rehearse your victories. 4. You deserve to be happy, so let it happen. 5. Do not allow yourself to be mistreated. 6. Look for the silver lining in all situations. 7. Go where you are celebrated, not just tolerated. 8. You were created for greatness; do not settle for mediocrity. 9. Develop a “NO FEAR” attitude. 10. Decide that you are a good person who is worthy to be acknowledged, respected, and loved.

38 In Conclusion, I would be leaving out the most important part of my journey if I failed to tell how I was able to Release the Fear in my life. It took years for me to believe that I was worthy to live a happy and prosperous life. I had allowed the scars from my childhood to dictate how I saw myself. I walked through life not realizing that my past had severely damaged me. The Bible says that you were fearfully and wonderfully made, and God desires to see you happy and fulfilled. The Lord will continue to make His Presence known to you even though you don’t believe you deserve it. God will not make us believe anything, but He will take us from one level to the next with His Guiding Hands and His Still Small Voice . Then one day you will look back and realize He was there all the time waiting for you to truly believe that He loves you and you are worthy to be loved. Only then can you Release the Fear and Fulfill Your Purpose.

39

40