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An academic essay on laws of physic in a metaphysical universe

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The Situation in Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor
shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it
expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the
rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think
that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the
world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion,
you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell
because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will
be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I
went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not
accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby
proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept
shouting "Oh, my God!"