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YOU DON T DR INK A collection by Lauren Wilson

You Don t Drink

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A book of memories thoughts and healing 3

al co hol ism alk h liz m noun noun alcoholism an addiction to the consumption of alcoholic liquor or the mental illness and compulsive behavior resulting from alcohol dependency 4

What I Remember When I Realized What You ve Done When You Leave 5 p7 p 13 p 23 p 29

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What I Remember 7

You were always invited but we weren t interesting enough and everything was an inconvenience When you stop doing life with people they learn to carry on You were so draining 8

I will let my children climb from my ankles to my neck because I know how it feels to be shrugged off of the one who is supposed to love you unconditionally I want to keep them as close as I can for as long as they ll let me You ran from me 9

We make you look good like a few circus horses Lead us around the ring and let the crowds gawk We re the best thing you ever made 10

Do you remember shutting me in my room when the sun went down and keeping me from my mother I m sure you heard the shrieks from the end of the hall The ones that were distracting you from kissing her and more You were teaching me what anger felt like and how to put myself to bed 11

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When I Realized 13

It hit you hardest the next morning So hard that you d spend most of your weekend on the couch taking up space It wasn t until I got older that I finally understood why a grown man would need to take so many naps 14

You looked like a child home sick from school Spread out the length of the couch with a pillow blanket and your hands curled up by your chest Sounds of movies you d seen too many times would blare through the house competing with the rhythm of your snores None of them interesting enough to keep you awake I think that was the point 15

You made promises to hold us over Said you would bring us home the things we wanted so you could be the fun parent We daydreamed about the skateboards and electric guitars during lunch and recess You promised us today was the day But you showed up empty handed after work I ll take care of it tomorrow you d say Tomorrow never came I learned to not be hopeful I m realistic Because I had to be I could call bullshit early on 16

You thought a pizza would suffice You thought it would make up for missing dinners and excuse you for the last 12 hours out drinking It was never for us You brought it home out of guilt It never made up for the things you missed You ve always been great at validating yourself You stumbled to your bedroom every time Too drunk to realize that we already ate and upset when we wanted nothing to do with you 17

You would do anything to be a friend Constantly helping others but having no regard for what your family needed Willing to go above and beyond for them so you looked good You always knew a guy 18

You did it for the laughs Putting on a show for anyone who would watch Acting like someone you were not Seeking attention from our friends God knows you didn t want ours Questioning us when they treated you better than we did because that was how they were raised You were embarrassing but they were entertained Did you even know you were the butt of the joke 19

A man who avoided commitment never recognized his most consistent routine It was enough to ruin a family You never changed your mind 20

When did you decide to stop being a parent Was it before we were here or after you realized you would have to be responsible for something other than yourself You quit more than once When she told you you couldn t drive us around anymore Was it liberating She picked up your slack because she had to A married single parent Do not put our children in your car she said You put our lives at risk because you had to have one more That was a declaration of our value Suddenly you had no obligations You let yourself off the hook That meant you could do whatever you wanted Parent on your terms Whenever it was convenient for you to step in and steal the show To make yourself feel like you were being the parent you should ve been 21

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What You ve Done 23

I don t make it home often anymore When I do you ask if I want to grab a beer How do I politely say alcohol tastes like a slap in the face 24

When I came home from college for the first time you had just severed ties with my grandmother the one who lived 20 minutes away from my university She didn t want to see me anymore because I reminded her of you 25

I was praised for my hard work But when it came from you it was disingenuous You wanted to know the latest so you had something to talk about Surely the chatter at the bars was dulling the older we got I stopped letting you know You stopped taking the credit That was my way of holding you accountable You had to think about when we spoke last and make something up when they asked She s in Virginia you d say having the time of her life 26

You are the adult It was your responsibility to make the effort How can you place blame on me I was too young to know I needed to save our relationship I don t have it in me to put up with a man acting like a child anymore 27

Thanksgiving When I saw you you said it was good to see me and were insulted by my one armed hug I was thanked for coming to something that I should be expected to attend Because that s the way your family is surprised when the members show up I ve never understood why we aren t held to higher standards I made my way around the room Hugging aunts I see twice a year and asking my cousin about the new baby I could feel you staring at me from the kitchen Wide eyed with your mouth hung open and nothing left inside Drunk And in disbelief Did the short hair throw you off that much Was it the new glasses You couldn t believe that I was your daughter and looked at me like a piece of ass I m not something new you just don t know me anymore 28

When You Leave 29

What will you miss in your lifetime because you cut it short Watching someone poison themselves gets you thinking about how strong the human body is How hard it has to work to keep running on nothing and how much it s fighting to save you from yourself Over and over again it has told you to quit How long will you last 30

I do Do you expect to be asked for my hand in marriage Do you expect to walk me down the aisle To give me away when I am not yours to give Do you know enough to give a toast Would you stumble if we danced 31

I m not in charge of changing you 32

My dad is an alcoholic I m learning to live with it