MTF ADVISE CARDS : simplebooklet.com

52 Card Pick-Me-UpA Guide to Sanity for Parents of Addicts Written by Parents of Addictswww.mustardtreefoundation.org We hope you find these helpful. Please consider donating to the Mustard Tree Foundation. Funding scholarships for young people in addiction since 2016. A special "THANK YOU" to Katelyn Murphy-McCarthy for her many hours of editing! QR Barcode for Parent 12 Step Study Guide

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When I was a kid, my brothers asked if I wanted to play 52-card pickup. I excitedlyWhen I was a kid, my brothers asked if I wanted to play 52-card pickup. I excitedlysaid yes! Then they threw the cards on the ground, and I had to pick them up. Isaid yes! Then they threw the cards on the ground, and I had to pick them up. Ididn't say yes to that game again, that's for sure.didn't say yes to that game again, that's for sure.When you realize that your child is an addict, it can feel like your life is a game ofWhen you realize that your child is an addict, it can feel like your life is a game of52-card pickup. So many pieces are falling on the floor; you wonder how you will52-card pickup. So many pieces are falling on the floor; you wonder how you willever gather them together again.ever gather them together again.This game is different. It's 52-card pick-ME-up. Pick a card at random wheneverThis game is different. It's 52-card pick-ME-up. Pick a card at random wheneveryou need a moment of wisdom, peace, and understanding. The suggestions onyou need a moment of wisdom, peace, and understanding. The suggestions onthese cards come from other parents of addicts. We've been there, and these tipsthese cards come from other parents of addicts. We've been there, and these tipshave worked for us.have worked for us. All the best, Sue Hansen,All the best, Sue Hansen, Founder/Director of the Mustard Tree FoundationFounder/Director of the Mustard Tree Foundation 52 Card Pick-Me-UpParenting in Search of Sanitywww.mustardtreefoundation.orgMTF Insight Video

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Plan an event to give to MTF. Host a get-together breakfast or lunch with neighbors andinclude a testimonial from you or your child. Feel free to also use our video!Talk to the director if you want to run an event for the MTF. We are open to anything that helpsyoung people in addiction. Use Amazon Smile and choose the Mustard Tree Foundation located in Roswell Georgia asyour charity, you need to always order under the amazon smile after you get it setup.Donate online https://mustardtreefoundation.org/donate/Or donate with the QR scan-code on this card.You can also choose the Mustard Tree as the organization for your Facebook birthday gift.Always open to other ideas! Did you want to help the Mustard Tree Foundation? www.mustardtreefoundation.org Donation QR Code

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 1: Rather than React...BreatheTip 1: Rather than React...BreatheInhale through your nose to a count of 4. Breathe deeply into your body by contracting yourdiaphragm downward, expanding your chest cavity. Think of inflating a balloon in yourabdomen.Hold the air in for 7 seconds. Slowly exhale through your mouth for 8 seconds. Repeat the sequence several times.“Don’t just do something, sit there!” This is surprisingly hard advice to follow. It’s pretty much the opposite of how many of us weretaught to act as parents. What does this mean for the parent of an addict? One interpretation: just walk away, even if only in your mind. You don’t have to respond immediately to everysituation or question that comes your way. You can wait to answer, call your sponsor, and/ordiscuss the issue with the other parent to get on the same page.Sometimes the issue will blow over, especially if you don't react. When you react rather than actwith intention, you give away both your energy and power.So, the next time you feel the need to react, do this instead. Breathe a 4-7-8.

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Tip 2: Progress Jar: Tip 2: Progress Jar: Tip 2: Progress Jar: Progress, Not PerfectionProgress, Not PerfectionProgress, Not Perfection Find a jar that is pleasing to you and label it "Hope," "Progress," "Good Things,"whatever! It's your jar.Every time you see improvement, add a penny to the jar. When you feel hopeless, shake the jar and listen to evidence of the progressthat has been made in your life and that of your child. Shake the jar to feel hope. "Perfection is the enemy of progress." - Winston ChurchillRecovery and working a program take time. Sometimes it feels like nothing ischanging. You look around and see others in such a better place than you. It’s okayto feel that way, but here is a suggestion that may help you recognize progress. Remember, it's “One day at a time." Sometimes it's “One minute at a time." Hang inthere, shake your jar, say the serenity prayer, and work your own program.www.mustardtreefoundation.org

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgBe open to change. The sooner you open yourself to new ways of considering things, the sooner you Listen. Hear what others are experiencing and have gone through.Get a sponsor and establish a network of support.Share in meetings. This may be challenging, but it is an act of generosity. What you say might make adifference to the person right next to you. When we joined the program with our son, I learned that my husband and I were expected to attend weeklyparent meetings. I thought that was crazy. We weren't the ones addicted to drugs! Once we started going to themeetings, however, we could see the benefits from our attendance. I also started going to the step meetingsand studying the step book written by a past parent. Once I got comfortable sharing, I learned a tremendousamount about myself, my child, my relationship with my husband, and even how to be a better colleague atwork. If you want your relationship with your family to get better, accept that you also need to change. Clearly, whatwas happening in your family before was not working for everyone. Why not try something different? begin to see your world evolve. Working on myself was one of the biggest gifts of this program, second only to my son finding happiness. Tip 3: We All Need to Work on Ourselves

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 4: Commit to Your Parent Program Young people in addiction are fighting their addictive thoughts 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The brain istelling them it’s alright to get high, just one more time. The brain really wants a fix. The struggle is very real.On top of that, their emotional age is stunted by the drug use. So they’re in this program. You want them to go to group. You want them to do the steps. You want them tofocus. You want them to be sober. You want their bodies and souls to heal. You paid big money for theirrehab, so they better work hard (at least that’s how I felt). Some of you have paid for many rehabs. I know wedid! What you really want is for them to be happy and free from addiction.As hard as you want your child to work on their program, that is how hard you should be working on your ownprogram. Work your program as if you paid for your own admittance. Commit like you want them to commit.They will see your dedication and respect you for wanting to grow. When you attend parent meetings, youdemonstrate your willingness to walk alongside them on this difficult journey. You are showing them you lovethem with more than words (although words are good too!). "Without hard work, nothing grows but weeds." Gordon B. Hinckley

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Letting go and giving my son to God was one of the hardest things forme to do. I was a control freak; I thought I knew best for everyone.The accompanying poem was helpful for me; it still brings tears to myeyes when I read it. In the beginning, I kept taking my son and theresponsibility for him back.When you give your addict over to God and the program, and youactually let go, you may find a void. You need to fill this void withthings that make you happy and fill your time. If you don’t, you willlikely keep taking your child back and trying to control things. Lettinggo really means letting go! Watching your child go through rehab can feel like a slow, heavy slog.It’s easy to become impatient waiting for “results.” But once you letgo, you will feel a weight come off your shoulders. For me, I gave myson to Mary and then prayed to her each night. Whatever works foryou, do it so you can learn to let go! www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTIP 5: Let Go, Let God! Let Go Let Godby Loretta P Burns As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend,I brought my broken dreams to God,because He was my friend.But then, instead of leaving Him,in peace, to work alone;I hung around and tried to help,with ways that were my own.At last, I snatched them back andcried,"How can you be so slow?""My child," He said,"What could I do?You never did let go."

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 6: 10 Ways to Use the Serenity PrayerTip 6: 10 Ways to Use the Serenity PrayerTip 6: 10 Ways to Use the Serenity PrayerGod, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.1. Say the serenity prayer in your head to allow yourself time to pause and collect yourself when youare feeling overwhelmed, angry, or triggered. 2. Use the serenity prayer as a mantra when you meditate.3. Consider the serenity prayer when deciding whether a situation is worth getting upset over, or if it isbeyond your control.4. The serenity prayer is a great reminder that we are powerless over other people, places, and things.5. Recite the serenity prayer first thing in the morning to start your day on the right foot.6. The serenity prayer is even helpful to those who are unsure of what it means exactly. Say it regularlyto get a deeper, personalized understanding of it.7. Say the serenity prayer to develop a relationship with your own higher power.8. The serenity prayer is helpful in learning to trust the process that you are in currently.9. Say the serenity prayer to become open to help.10. Use the serenity prayer to approach nearly every situation with more tranquility and self-control.

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Make a brief mental accounting of the disasters you have worried might befall you and consider howfew actually have.Don’t borrow trouble by imagining things that more than likely won't happen. When you see yourself going down that rabbit hole, tell yourself, “This is a crazy thought, and I am notinterested in going to crazy town today.”Visualize the fearful thought in a cloud by the top of your head, and then imagine blowing it away.Poof thought, you are gone.Breathe the 4-7-8.Let go, let God. Fear affects our bodies. When we experience fear, our blood pressure and heart rate increase, ourbreathing quickens, our muscles tense, our eyes dilate, we sweat...all from our brain signaling thatthere's a threat to us or our loved ones.If your child is an addict, you have likely experienced plenty of fear, some of it arising from truly scaryevents, and a lot more from the 6000 scary thoughts that rain down on you daily. Sometimes you grab those random thoughts and turn them into fear, building scenarios that don’t reallyexist. Your boss wants to talk, and you begin to think about all the mistakes you have made. Your childbreaks up with their girlfriend, and you fear they will relapse. You cannot stop the thoughts, but there are things you can do to become more self-aware and recognizefalse events appearing real (FEAR). www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 7: FEAR, False Events Appearing Real

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 8: Just Listen (NO ADVICE)Tip 8: Just Listen (NO ADVICE)Tip 8: Just Listen (NO ADVICE) Listen at least as much as you talk. Show respect by listening carefully. Put aside the urge to respond as soon as you can. Learn by listening. Bite your tongue. Repeatedly.ABCs only (Awesome, Bummer, Cool)Don't try to multitask. Use your eyes and your ears.When you first come to the program, chances are good that you and your child are not in a greatplace with each other. You’ve likely been telling them what to do for some time, and,maddeningly, they have not been following your advice. You might be thinking that now thatthey’re in rehab, it’s your chance to get them to listen to you. Nope. You are going to listen tothem, and NOT GIVE ADVICE. They will get advice from their counselors and the other kids in theprogram. Most likely, learning to be sober is not in your experience, and even if it is, you are notthe expert on this experience for your kid. Once your child begins to be sober, and you startusing tools to be a calmer parent, you may well find that they start to come to you for advice.Until then just stay silent.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 9: Take Care of Yourself FirstTip 9: Take Care of Yourself First Practice yoga to improve your mental state and enhance muscle tone and flexibility.Learn a new sport to activate the release of endorphins. Pickleball anyone?Take long walks in nature.Eat nourishing food you love.Get at least 7-9 hours of sleep nightly. This improves brain function and productivity. Flight attendants instruct adult passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before helping children anddependents in the event of an emergency. Why? Because an adult who has passed out from oxygen deprivationis not much help to anyone and can definitely get in the way.You have been through a lot if your child is in rehab. You probably have a lot of difficult emotions: guilt,sadness, anger, loneliness, fear, and on the list goes. You may have put off taking care of yourself because lifehas been too crazy. Maybe you’ve barely had the energy to get through the day.Now that your child is in the program, put on your oxygen mask! Find a way to take care of yourself. You havepermission. In fact, it is part of working your program. Make doctors’ appointments. Get together with otherparents in the group. Take a trip with your spouse or friends. Return to a hobby you used to love or try a newone. Remember, you can’t be the best version of yourself if you are fatigued, sad, and angry. Consider some of these activities:

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTIP 10: Awesome,TIP 10: Awesome,TIP 10: Awesome, Bummer,Bummer,Bummer, CoolCoolCool.... Repeat.... Repeat.... Repeat Not being outraged by anything is a superpower. When I joined the program the first tool that I mastered was Awesome, Bummer, Cool (the ABCs).When your child tells you something good happened ("I got a job!”), you say Awesome. And stop talking.No overdoing the praise, no piggybacking with advice (“You know you can’t be late, blah blah blah”).Then you might hear your child tell you about it, and your relationship begins to become reestablished.When your child tells you something bad happened ("I got fired from my job"), you say Bummer. Andstop talking. Don’t rescue, don’t fix it, don’t offer suggestions. Just listen and demonstrate(nonverbally) your empathy for them. If you listen, you might hear them begin to figure out how to pickup the pieces. When your child tells you something that might not warrant an Awesome in your mind, but clearly doesin your kid’s ("I'm going to wedge with the group!"), you say Cool, and stop talking. You might hear whythey think this is a great thing, and gain some insight into their world. Remember...and use!...these three magical words.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 11: Have Gratitude "When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tideof love rushes in." - Kristin ArmstrongMost people think of gratitude as a noun, but it might be helpful to think of it as an action. Looking forgratitude, even in the darkest moments, is a way to bring a sense of peace and, paradoxically,control, to your life. Tools, such as gratitude cards, apps, journals, and meditations, can help as youbegin this practice. One way to practice the action of gratitude is to write in a gratitude journal. Each day list three thingsyou are grateful for. Getting up in the morning is something to be grateful about. My friends from theprogram would text each other their gratitude list every morning. In the beginning, when your child enters the program, you might not feel grateful. Anger and fear canoverwhelm gratitude if you let them. Trade those feelings in for gratitude and you will start to see alight emerge. Whether your gratitude practice is solo or shared, as mine was with my friends, youwill find more things to be grateful for when you take the action of looking for them each day.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 12: Learn to Forgive the Past "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."This one is hard. It’s worth practicing, though, because it can really shift your mindset. One of the things I did when we started the program was change my son's profile picture on my phone to one ofmy favorite photos from when he was four years old. When he called, my mind went back to a sweet time in ourlives together, not the more recent years when he’d been under foreign management.When I learned more about addiction as a disease, I began to understand that some of the seemingly unforgivableactions my son committed were driven by the drugs he was taking. His brain wanted a fix and I was either themeans to get it, or in the way. The practice of forgiveness is not for the person you are angry with, it is for you. When you release your angerand replace it with forgiveness, you feel a stress lift from your body. However you want to think about it, themore you forgive, the better you are physically and mentally.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 13: Stay in Your Own Lane "Let people do what they need to do to make them happy. Mind your own business, and do what you need to make you happy." - Leon BrownThis tool takes lots and lots of practice. You are not supposed to stay in your own lane when your childrenare little and helpless. You are supposed to protect them, feed them, and make sure they are safe. You arevery much in their lane (especially if you are a control freak like me!). But as they get older, staying in yourown lane is the way to go. Think about it this way: when you get in someone else’s lane, you can cause a crash. With your addictedchild, you get in their lane with unwanted advice. What you are telling them with your endless admonitions isthat you have no faith that they can handle life without you. You take away their sense of competence, eventhough you are trying so hard to protect them, as you did when they were little.In a Montessori school, a two-year-old child is enabled to do things like flower arranging using real glassvases, scissors, and water. The children are given tools, they are empowered, and everyone gets out of theirway. Usually nothing breaks, and the parents are always shocked by the toddler’s ability to do this. Life is a journey in which everyone has a unique lane. Opt for a smoother ride by sticking to your lane.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 14: Borrow a Brain! Tip 14: Borrow a Brain! Get Support, Get a Sponsor.Get Support, Get a Sponsor. When you are dealing with your own child, you naturally have many emotions in those interactions. Thoseemotions can get in the way of responding well and making good decisions, especially when FEAR (falseevents appearing real) sets in. You might believe that everything that happens has the potential todestroy their future. But in trying to protect them, you run the risk of alienating them. So, when you start to “future trip” (imagining a future that is not real), you need to have a network readyto call. This is a group of fellow program participants whose judgment you trust, even just one or two,who don’t have the emotional attachment to your child that you possess. Borrow their brains to gainclarity in your current situation. Let them support you so you don't overreact. Sponsors are a great way to help you make good decisions about your interactions with your child. Lookfor people who have a little more time in the program than you. Having the shared experience isinvaluable to your recovery journey."I not only use the brains I have – I use all the brains I can borrow." - Woodrow Wilson

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 15: Addiction is Family Disease...Everyone is HurtTip 15: Addiction is Family Disease...Everyone is HurtTip 15: Addiction is Family Disease...Everyone is Hurt The havoc active addiction creates in families and relationships stresses everyone in these "systems"...parents, children, siblings, spouses, partners, close friends, etc. Active addiction destabilizes the homeenvironment.Maybe the beginning of your family’s experience with addiction was like ours. I felt like we were in the middleof a tornado. Everything was spinning out of control. My other kids were affected. We gave them lessattention, sometimes even ignoring them as the storm raged. My spouse and I weren’t on the same page. Howcould we be? There was no time to even talk about one crisis before another was on its way. We had no one to talk to because our friends all had perfect children, and our child was a disaster. Our familyfelt so isolated. Everyone, not just our child with addiction, was sad, angry, mad, crazy, and broken. Our child said this cyclone was the reason he needed to use drugs, to continue his addiction, citing us and ourreactions as the reason. It was always someone else’s fault. He hated himself, so he continued down the roadto hurt himself, which hurt everyone. Addiction impacts the whole family. Everyone is hurt. Often families talk about feeling traumatized by theexperience of their loved one’s addiction. Everyone will need time to heal. Recognizing this and getting help isimportant, for the whole family’s sake.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 16: What is Enabling? A young boy came across a butterfly cocoon and brought it into his house. He watched over the course of hours as thebutterfly struggled to break free from its confinement. It managed to create a small hole in the cocoon, but its bodywas too large to emerge. It tired and became still. Wanting to help the butterfly, the boy snipped a slit in the cocoonwith a pair of scissors to release the butterfly. But the butterfly was small and weak, and its wings crumpled.The boy expected the insect to take flight, but instead it could only drag its undeveloped body along the ground. It wasincapable of flying and eventually died. By enabling the butterfly, the boy did not allow the insect to gain the strengthit needed to fly. Enabling is doing things for someone that they could and should be doing themselves.Enabling might have crept into your relationship with your child during middle school, with a school project. You sawthe project completed, but it was clearly “C” work. So you stayed up after bedtime and fixed it. You earned an “A” onthe project. Your child got an “A” that wasn’t earned. But what you silently told the child was that you had no faith intheir ability to do this for themselves. And the child began to give up, letting you take over. Doing something forsomeone that they can do for themselves is enabling, and has consequences. How do we not enable? Stay in your own lane. Respond with Awesome, Bummer, or Cool and then listen, not talk. Dothese things with love, not anger. If you are not sure if something you do is enabling, ask your sponsor for advice.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTIp 17: Stay HopefulLet your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future. Remember what you are thankful for and write it down. Limit your intake of bad news.Focus on what you can look forward to. Talk to hopeful people. Make a daily routine. Set a goal for yourself.Perform random acts of kindness. Push past obstacles.Unplug from social media. Take care of yourself. Take time to pray or meditate.Call your sponsor.How do I stay hopeful? Or become hopeful, if hope is in short supply? My child is in rehab.She hasn't even finished high school. I am embarrassed. Wow am I angry! Where is hope? Try these actions to stay (or become) hopeful.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 18: Let Them Fail...Quit RescuingTip 18: Let Them Fail...Quit RescuingTip 18: Let Them Fail...Quit Rescuing Our son got a job at a restaurant and could not find the time to get trained. He was fired. We were incredulous, but westayed in our lane and didn’t criticize or make suggestions. Next, he delivered pizzas. He was fired after two months for being late all the time. We said…bummer. And that’s it. The next job he kept for 6 months. He had learned from the last one and was not late…every day. Progress, notperfection!He eventually worked as a counselor for two years before launching his own business. When I first heard the advice “let them fail” from the program director, I thought it was absurd. Why would I let my child fail? Ihave a strong protective instinct, a real “mama bear” side, that was all about keeping my son safe, happy, and okay. Otherparents I knew were focused on how much their kids had already failed, and they wanted no more of that, thank you verymuch. Totally understandable. But it turns out failure is necessary to growth. Experiencing internal happiness, safety, and success requires resources thatyour child does not possess while in the throes of addiction. Among other things, it requires growth, empathy, humility,perseverance, trust in self and others, and the opportunity to make mistakes and learn from them without being criticized. Letting our son fail was the best thing we ever did for him, as crazy as that sounds. We had to learn to stay in our own lane andlet him fail. Once we did, he experienced true growth. Examples of Fail and Grow:Throughout this time, we stayed quiet and sympathetic. We are still staying quiet and sympathetic! And he is still growingwith each failure…and each success.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 19: Sharing Thoughts Helps Not Only You, But Others TooTip 19: Sharing Thoughts Helps Not Only You, But Others TooTip 19: Sharing Thoughts Helps Not Only You, But Others Too Hearing the stories of others can be healing. We feel less alone when we know that other folks inthe world are walking this difficult path we find ourselves on. Maybe new options occur to us.Maybe our empathy is activated, and we can extend some to ourselves and to our loved ones. There is also something that happens to us when we share. Our thoughts can become clearer andstronger. We might learn more about ourselves. Sometimes we gain resolve. Sharing ourthoughts and feelings can help us get in touch with emotions we haven’t allowed ourselves toacknowledge. We invite others to know us better. Don’t feel pressured to share just because of silence, or a sense that you’re expected to. Butknow that your share can be a gift to this group and to yourself as well. Sharing with othersbuilds a community in which we can learn and grow, be of service to one another, and heal.“You usually can’t recall all the people you’ve shared laughs with, but you rarely forget thepeople you’ve shared your tears with.” - Mya Robarts

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I remember being at a meeting where a parent was talking about how addiction had ruined his daughter’s future.She had been accepted to a great college and would surely have had an amazing career, exactly as her parents hadenvisioned it, had it not been for drugs. These were parents who clearly loved their children and had sacrificed agreat deal to give their kids every opportunity to excel. As I listened, I thought about how, from even before they're born, we visualize what our children's futures will look like. Theseideas don’t always involve education and prestigious careers, but we have expectations. Some are quite explicit. Other are moreimplied, but our kids sense them. Sometimes (okay, a LOT of times), these dreams may have more to do with us than with our kids,and over time, they take on the air of being the "right" direction for our kids' lives.After the meeting, I thought about my own life...mistakes I’d made, decisions that were more (or less) fateful thanthey seemed at the time, careers I didn’t know I would have. I believe in God, and have felt that presence with meon this journey of unexpected twists and turns. In that moment of clarity, I began to understand that my child isGod’s child too. I am not his God or higher power, but I acted like it by thinking my life plan for him should be whathe follows. My son has his own relationship to God, just as I have, and God has a different plan for him than I had.Having faith that my son is actually God’s child puts me in a different, and better, relationship with both.No one has total control over any life, not their own, and certainly not someone else’s. You may believe that God isguiding the whole shebang, or you may not. But rest (and really, rest) assured that you are not in charge of yourchild’s life and dreams. www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 20: God Doesn't Have Grandchildren

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 21: If You 're Going Through Hell, Keep Going! You probably agree you've lived in hell if you have a child in addiction. And you’ve tried a lot of ways to get out. Youmay have removed the door from their bedroom, tracked their phone, taken away their phone, smashed their phonewith a hammer (it’s happened), offered bribes for better behavior, called all their friends threatening to turn theminto the police, bargained that some drugs (like alcohol) were okay, called the police, told no one about theaddiction, told everyone about the addiction, kicked them out, took away the car, got them a new car, changedschools…the list goes on. You haven't experienced normal life for a long time.Enthusiastic sobriety might seem the opposite of what you think you should be doing to get out of Hell. You aregiving your addict kid money for crazy weekend functions. You are prioritizing recovery over school. On top of that,you know your kid is going to stay out until 2 in the morning, go caving on a whim, watch a sunrise at OverlookMountain, go on a beach trip…with a bunch of other addicts! Your head might be spinning, but just keep going, trustthe process, and this may well be your way out of hell...and theirs too.Remember, the magic happens over time, often in the wee hours, when the kids become real witheach other, sharing their shame, their fear, their hopes, their empathy, their love for one another, allwhile having adventures that make them feel more alive than ever… without drugs.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 22: Lose the Anger Think before you speak. Express your concerns only when you’re calm.Get some exercise. Take a timeout.Identify possible solutions.Stick with 'I' statements: “I feel,” not, “You did.”Let go of grudges.Use humor to release tension.Change your child’s profile photo on your phone to one from a good time in your relationship.Remember, you do not have a give an answer right away, or even ever.Call your sponsor.Breathe a 4.7.8."Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame." - Benjamin Franklin Anger is a natural reaction to what’s been happening in your life. But...it’s not a great one to use when you’redealing with a kid in recovery. And, really, you’ll probably feel better when it’s not your go-to emotion. How can youtame it?

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 23: A Little Distance During my daughter's period of active addiction, I developed extra sensory perception. I had an eagle eye on her everymove. I listened at her door to hear what she was saying on the phone. I scoured her bedroom for anything that mightbe drug-related. I watched to see if that car that drove by several times was actually a drug dealer, I relentlesslychecked her whereabouts using a tracker. Her siblings knew immediately when I was in this mode, because I wasshort-tempered and distracted. A lot. For my daughter in recovery, being in the house where so much you-know-what had hit the fan, and having her everymove still met with suspicion, was not a good way to reinforce sobriety. She, and I, did much better when she spentmore time at the shop, hanging out late with other kids in the program, and even spending nights "couch-surfing" inthe homes of group members who had more time in sobriety. My hyper-vigilance didn't immediately vanish when she started rehab. I couldn't help myself. It was like musclememory. Gradually, listening and learning at the parent meetings helped me let go. That was crucial to MY recovery.Getting a little distance made a big difference for all of us.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 24: Learn To Tell Your Story Take some time to frame what you want to say. Introduce yourself. Share a bit about what happened before you got help. Tell what helped you when you first joined the program.Focus on one example.Briefly talk about the hope of recovery for you personally.Breathe.Your story is different from your child’s story, but sharing stories with others is a gift you both can offer. You bothhave something to say about struggles, hopes, and recovery. Your child shares their story with other people withaddiction to reinforce their own recovery and to reach others who are struggling. You share your story with otherparents of addicts to reinforce your own recovery and to reach others who are struggling. Recovery stories have tremendous power. They help both those who tell them, and those who listen. You never knowwho may need to hear from you today.Here are some suggestions for sharing. Remember, though, there is no one right way to do it. Just start and you willfind your voice.“Tell the story of the mountain you climbed. Your words could become a page insomeone else’s survival guide.” - Morgan Harper Nichols

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 25: HOPE: Hold On, Peace Exists “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living inthe future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.” - Lao Tzu When your child is in active addiction, peace seems so far away. It's easy to believe you willnever experience it again. Once you enter the program, pause for a moment. Catch your breath. Give your child to thecounselors. Allow yourself space and time to learn the new tools you will need. Soon you willbegin to see peace emerge. It comes slowly; you start to sleep better, you laugh more, yourmuscles relax a bit. You find your higher power, however you understand that. The serenityprayer begins to make sense. Let the past go. Resist the urge to future trip. Embrace the present. Allow yourself to enjoy thepeace.

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Parenting for SanityTIP 26The 3 Cs, Didn't Cause It, Can't Cure It, Can't Control It "Addiction" knocked upon our door, one sad and stormy day. I asked, was I the cause to it? Was it my sorry way? "Addiction", it enjoyed the guilt, and hoped I’d stay that way. I kept searching for answers, anything to help me day to day. "Addiction" just shook its head and quietly stared at me...thinking the power of a parent’s guilt could really be its key. In truth, you didn’t cause me, a disease that came to stay. I said Addiction, why are you here? Won’t you just go away?Wanting to know more, I asked about a cure. "Addiction" just loudly growled : “It’s the addict’s choice, to fight me or endure.” I then asked about control, surely, there must be a way. Sarcastically it responded "The truth my dear, the fight is on, because I plan to stay". "Addiction" knew about the 3 C’s, a tool it hoped I’d never learn. That way "Addiction" could keep the friction, between the Addict and its Thorn!

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 26: The 3 Cs: Didn't Cause It, Can't Cure It, Can't Control It Guilt is a common theme among parents, especially among parents of children with addiction. Many of us secretly, or notso secretly, believe we caused the addiction: If only I’d held him back a year in school. If only we hadn’t gotten divorced.If only we hadn’t let her date him. If only I hadn’t been depressed when he was little. If only, if only, if only...And then we go to a meeting and hear the shocking news that we didn’t cause our child’s addiction. What? Are you sure?Yes. No one knows exactly why some people who use drugs become addicts and some do not. But addiction is notsomething that is caused by other individuals. Along with not causing our child’s addiction, we can’t cure it. Here are some of my attempts to cure my son's addiction:talk therapy with three different counselors; dietary supplements; homeschooling; massage therapy; personal training;having a friend move in; endless hours of driving around in the car to help him calm down; a cross-country trip; andother things I’m sure I’ve blocked. As for the last C, we've worked out that we can’t control it, right? I mean, we're here.Here is a good place to be. We can let our kids take this opportunity to embrace sobriety and to start the journey ofrecovery with the support of people who have walked that path before them.Let the 3 Cs sink in. We didn't cause it, we can't cure it, and we can't control it. Allow these ideas to liberate you. The 3Cswere a game changer for me once I really got my head around them. I hope they are for you too.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 27: Walls Versus Shots: You Need Both A "wall" is a household rule that is flexible. A typical example is a curfew, which might be one time for mostnight but later for a special occasion. A “shot” is an unbendable rule which, if broken, will result in very serious consequences. For most of usparents, any use of drugs or alcohol by our child is a shot. The consequence can be as significant as askingthe child to move out.It’s worth noting that you should be extremely judicious in establishing your shots. Too many shots (six isthe absolute maximum) makes you the sheriff, a role you definitely don’t want.When my son honestly wanted to get and stay sober, I found the use of walls and shots helped guide himtoward healthy and socially desirable behavior. I harnessed the influence of the group's parents, kids, andcounselors to reinforce my son’s walls and shots. Life at home became much less stressful for us all.Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you will get.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 28: Addiction in Our SocietyAlmost 21 million Americans have at least one addiction, yet only 10% of them receive treatment. The annual economic impact of substance misuse in the USA is estimated to be $249 billion for alcoholmisuse and $193 billion for illicit drug use. 35 million people worldwide suffer from drug use disorders while only 1 in 7 people receive treatment. Percent of persons aged 12 years and over with any illicit drug use in the past month: 13.0% Percent of persons aged 12 years and over with any nonmedical use of a psychotherapeutic drug in thepast month: 1.9% “I think the biggest barrier to treatment is stigma. Even families that have someone strugglingwith addiction want to keep it within the walls of their home and hope that it somehow passes orcures itself.” Stephen Loyd, M.D. Many organizations call addiction a disorder or a disease because addiction changes how the brain responds insituations involving rewards, stress, and self-control. These changes are long-term and can persist well afterthe person has stopped using drugs.Your family is not alone! Consider these statistics from the World Drug Report 2019:

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“When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds, yourmind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a great, new,and wonderful world.” – Patanjali If everyone in the world did the 12 steps, it could be pretty wonderful place. Think about how great it would be if we alllearned how to forgive, accept blame, make amends, learn to recognize mistakes and own them sooner, be honestwith ourselves and others, and offer service to others. Wow, what a concept!The 12 steps are the cornerstone of this program. Working through the 12 steps with a sponsor will help youunderstand more about your child’s recovery process. Just as importantly, it will make a huge difference in your ownlife.It’s a lengthy process but well worth your time. When you are finished, you go back to step one and start again. Themore you do it, the more clearly you see yourself and the world around you. Here’s what you gain from each step: Step 1: Acceptance, Step 2: Hope, Step 3: Faith, Step 4: Courage, Step 5: Honesty, Step 6: Patience,Step 7: Humility, Step 8: Willingness, Step 9: Brotherly Love, Step 10: Integrity, Step 11: Self-discipline, Step 12: Service www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 29: The 12 Steps are for Everyone

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 30: What Can You Control? Yourself and Your Reaction “Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you dohave power over, instead of craving control over what you don’t.” Imagine drawing a tight circle around yourself, with you standing in the middle. What is inthe circle is what you can control; namely, yourself and your reactions. It is not comfortable to realize how little control we have in our lives. But it is reality. Wedo have some control, especially over ourselves, and using that control wisely is a gift toyourself and others.The serenity prayer is awesome for driving this point home. Serenity, courage, andwisdom are a powerful trifecta.God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change thethings I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 31: The Myth of the Perfect Parent Find a sponsor to help you when you have these feelings and talk it through. Become a united front with the other parent. Sometimes this is hard, especially if you are not in the samehousehold or on the same page, but it is worth making the effort.Learn your parent tools and practice them. They won’t come naturally; you will need to use them quite a few timesbefore they become habit. Be self-aware. When you see yourself slip into a sense of failure, remember to be kind to yourself and remindyourself that the perfect parent does not exist.Take care of yourself. The better you feel, the better you parent. “A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” - Dave Barry Parenting experts agree: there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We read that and may nod our heads in agreement.But it's hard to truly embrace, because everywhere we go, we feel judged. It’s like a national pastime! We’re judged atthe grocery story when our toddler has a tantrum, we’re judged at our kid's school when she isn’t getting good grades,we’re judged at family gatherings when our teen shows up with a tattoo (or when they don’t show up at all). Parents are notorious for judging other parents. Let’s agree not to do that, okay? Not to ourselves and not to otherparents. In the meantime, how do you deal with feelings of failure as parent?

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 32: A Hole in the Sidewalk by Portia Nelson I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in.I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault. It takes forever to find a way out. I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I pretend I don't see it. I fall in again.I can't believe I am in the same place.But, it isn't my fault. It still takes me a long time to get out. I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I see it is there. I still fall in. It's a habit.My eyes are open. I know where I am.It is my fault. I get out immediately. I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.I walk around it. I walk down another street.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 33: Trusting the Process/PracticeTip 33: Trusting the Process/PracticeTip 33: Trusting the Process/Practice “Commit to the healing path and trust the process.” - Rosenna Bakari Part of recovery is trusting the process. This might be easier said than done, especially when theprocess is enthusiastic sobriety. So much of this feels…crazy, right? But it is not all fun and games. Our kids are facing some hard truths about themselves and aboutaddiction. They are being asked to make difficult decisions. The beauty of the program is that they are not alone. They are understood. They are given a glimpse intowhat the future can be, a future that might have felt lost before they got help. And crucially, they aregiven the time they need to really take ownership of their sobriety.You have a lot to do with this process. Your support of your child means more than you can know. Set your shots and walls with a focus on being flexible. There is such a thing as parent sabotage, whereyou take your boundaries to the bitter end. Maybe your kid didn’t pick up their dirty clothes and you’re onthe warpath. When you find yourself in that place, think about what is important. Right now, it is yourchild finding sobriety. The more time your child spends sober, the more emotional maturity grows. Trust the process.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 34: EGO, or Edging God Out Practice forgiveness & letting go.Practice honesty and being open.Surrender your need for control.Enjoy silent moments with yourself.Practice gratitude.Practice humility.“Ego is the process of disconnecting with the creative, true force of the universe. It is the process ofmaking you separate from it, others, nature, and the universe.” - Dr. Wayne Dyer I first heard this term from my son after a he had been sober a few months. He was fearful about an upcomingevent that he wasn’t sure he could handle. He started to go down a rabbit hole and wanted to cancel at thelast moment. Then he talked to his sponsor. After that call, he decided to go. His sponsor said my son’s fearwas his EGO getting in the way, or “Edging God Out.” I had been around this earth 2.5 times longer than my son and had never heard that expression. It rang true.When I Edge God Out, I believe I am more important than God, and that I am in complete control. The illusion ofcontrol was something I really had to fight. Here are six things that help in the journey to let go of EGO.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 35: Keep Your Phone List With You, and Use ItTip 35: Keep Your Phone List With You, and Use ItTip 35: Keep Your Phone List With You, and Use It Don’t hesitate to call the folks on the parent list. Being of service is part of what makes this programwork, and other parents want to be of service to you.I remember talking to new parents who were upset because their son was with the group all thetime, hanging out. They called me, and I texted my daughter to check on their son and ask that shekeep an eye out for him. I called the parents right back and told them everything was okay.Everybody, including my daughter, benefited. I felt good about helping the new parents, the newparents could relax a bit, my daughter felt good about helping their son, and their son spent moretime with the kids in the program, a key to sobriety.How do you get connected? When you are in a meeting and someone shares a story that resonates,call them the next day. Start connecting as soon as you can. Maybe ask them to lunch. Keep connecting by getting a sponsor. Join the parent step meetings. Think about going on a smallretreat with 6 to 10 of the moms or dads. Go to the parent functions, even if they seem wacky.Understand that you are no longer fighting addiction by yourself. You have many brains to borrow.Everyone is rooting for you and your child.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 36: HOW? Honest, Open-minded, and WillingTip 36: HOW? Honest, Open-minded, and WillingTip 36: HOW? Honest, Open-minded, and Willing "Open-mindedness is the pioneer that recognizes the opportunity, and is willing to walk in the newlight." - Edward Augustus Horton Honest: Honesty is the foundation of sobriety and the steps. Being honest with yourself and others ishow you grow. Your child is also learning the importance of honesty. You’ve likely become prettyskeptical of their words after so many lies. Give them a chance to practice honesty with you.Open-minded: Being open-minded means being receptive to ideas and experiences. For example, theconcept of a higher power means different things to different people. Accept that others’ ideas aremeaningful to them, as yours are to you. Be open to making changes in your day-to-day life. Forexample, not having alcohol around your house removes a stumbling block for your child. Be open tohearing ideas that are different from your own. Willing: Be willing to give this program a chance. Be willing to change and try a new way of being in yourfamily. It will take practice and hard work. Your willingness to put in the effort will be an example toyour child.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 37: The Dreaded Word: RELAPSE Addiction is a chronic condition.Relapse is common.Recovery is a lifelong journey.Relapse is a sign you may need to alter the treatment.Recovery involves building a new life over time.A lot of people claim that relapse is part of recovery. I’d argue thatrelapse is part of addiction. Relapse may happen many times. The greathope is that relapse is a reminder to the addict of just how perniciousaddiction is, and a reminder also of the joys of recovery.Five things to remember about a relapse:

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 38: Hearing Other Success Stories in Recovery is Healing Our first several months in the enthusiastic sobriety program, we felt as though we were on anemotional roller coaster. We lived out of fear and had little hope that our son would be able to staysober. We were so glad he was in a program (peak); we were devastated when he relapsed(plummet). But we kept coming back to meetings, connecting with other parents, and hearing theirstories of strength, hope, and successful recovery. They lit a path for us and showed us the exit fromthe amusement park.Today I share big and small successes of our family’s recovery. It is a healing process for me andallows me to light the path for others.“After nourishment, shelter, and companionship, stories are the thing we need most in the world.” - Philip Pullman

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 39: Love = Letting Others Voluntarily Evolve “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our ownimage. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” - Thomas Merton Our son was on the “right path.” He was an AP student and JV soccer player headed for an engineering degreefrom a good college, fulfilling our dreams for him. There was just one thing: the expectations heaped on himwere overwhelming. He developed a drug problem. He joined enthusiastic sobriety but, once again, was justdoing what we wanted him to. Ultimately, he was kicked out. He went to an intensive inpatient program. Whenhe was released, he asked to return to enthusiastic sobriety.The second time in this program, our son wanted sobriety for himself. We learned to let go and work our ownindividual programs. We evolved, and we let him evolve.Today our son is happy, healthy, and being of service in sobriety, almost 3 years as of this writing. We have aloving, supportive relationship. He is living the life he chooses. We are so happy for him and grateful to theenthusiastic sobriety program and counselors.Letting others voluntarily evolve means allowing them to grow in the ways that are best for them, not how orwhen we think they should. The many tools we learned in the program, the steps our son worked through, andthe steps we worked through, gave us the knowledge and strength to grow and evolve in our own ways. Theway you move forward is completely up to you.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 40: Be the LighthouseTip 40: Be the LighthouseTip 40: Be the Lighthouse “God built lighthouses to see people through storms. Then he built storms to remind people tofind lighthouses.” - Shannon L. Alder Your family has probably been through some storms on this journey. You may havefelt like you were struggling on a boat lost at sea, with no oars or compass, with thewaves threatening to capsize your whole crew. What you would have given to havefound a lighthouse to lead the way! Maybe you did find that lighthouse, because here you are.In time, you can be the lighthouse for others. You don’t have to be a perfect beacon,just try and light the way back for your fellow travelers. Stand tall, shine your light,and give others strength. Light the way and let them find their own course.

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Tip 41: Get Out of Their Way!Tip 41: Get Out of Their Way!Tip 41: Get Out of Their Way! Being in the way does not always feel like being in the way. It might feel like helping, or guiding, or establishinginflexible walls, or being very, very involved in the kids’ group activities, or keeping a tracker on their car “just incase,” or giving the counselors all kinds of helpful tips. You get the idea. It’s understandable that we feel the need to do this. Our first several months in the enthusiastic sobriety programwere crazy! Our daughter experienced multiple relapses, an overdose, inpatient treatment, more relapses, gettingkicked out, and then another inpatient. How could we not get in the way? She was falling apart.It took our kid getting kicked out of the program for us to realize something needed to change. So while she was atinpatient, again, we dug into our parent program and truly learned and understood that she has her journey and wehave ours. We had to get out of her way to allow her to understand where she was in life and where she was going,and let her make some choices about that. So that is what we did. We are all happier for it. She has finally owned her recovery for herself, which is the only way it truly has meaning. Addiction destroys everything in its path. Getting out of the way is the most loving form of detachment you can practice. www.mustardtreefoundation.org

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Tip 42: Reading the God Memo Someone gave my son a copy of The Greatest Miracle in the World by Og Mandino (often referred toas The God Memo) and suggested he read it while in outpatient. I decided to read it as well. Thislittle gem of a book changed both our lives! In fact, my son still meditates with the God Memomany years later. I give it as a gift when I meet people who are feeling lost or in need of help orlove.
I don’t want to take away from the experience for you; just buy it and read it, over and over again.Every time you read it, you will find another nugget of wisdom."Always do your best. What you plant now, you will harvest later."
"Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead bymidnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness and understanding you can muster,and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again."
"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because itshows me the stars."
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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 43: Fake It Till You Make It! We’ve all heard the phrase, “Fake it till you make it.” For a lot of us, our next thought is “Yeah, that'sgreat until people figure out I don’t know what I’m doing.”So much is foreign to new parents as their kids start this program. Other parents know the lingo, laughwith one another, hug their kids at meetings, understand that “coffee” means pizza, and generally seemto be insiders in some secret club. It’s easy to feel isolated and insecure.It’s not unlike starting a new job. You don’t really know what you’re doing on your first day, week, oreven month. You look at what your predecessor did, you read documents and policies, you get a sense ofhow things are done, but you don’t really have a firm grasp at first. During this time of learning, you'refaking it till you’re making it.Please understand, no one knows what they’re doing when they attend their first meeting! This programinvolves addicts learning about recovery from other addicts further along the road of recovery. It’s thesame for their families. We learn from families who have traveled longer on this path than we have.In the beginning, we are all faking it. And then, with time, honesty, showing up, and a healthy dose ofgrace, we are making it.Replace “fake it 'til you make it” with “practice until you perfect it”

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 44: Anything you put in front of sobriety, you will lose. Take care of yourself.Choose your confidants wisely.Practice not judging yourself or others.Practice patience.Educate yourself on addiction and recovery.Get a sponsor.Talk to someone in long-term recovery about what sobriety has meant to them.Practice gratitude.Repeat this phrase: Where there is breath, there is hope. Anything you put in front of sobriety, you will lose. Right, you think, I get that. But surely that doesn’t apply to highschool…gymnastics/soccer/basketball (insert activity here)..Sunday school...college…a job?Yup. All those things. Pretty scary to think about. But my child is losing ground! What about their future?First things first. And the FIRST thing is sobriety. There are no graduations or jobs or healthy futures if an addict isnot in recovery. Addiction can be a matter of life or death.How can you stay sane and in your lane as you come to terms with this sobering (pun intended) statement?

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 45: Under Foreign Management “Addictions […] started out like magical pets, pocket monsters. They did extraordinary tricks, showed youthings you hadn’t seen, were fun. But came, through some gradual dire alchemy, to make decisions for you.Eventually, they were making your most crucial life-decisions. And they were […] less intelligent thangoldfish.” – William Gibson When I think back on the many things that happened in our family during the addiction era of my child, I amblown away by the true dysfunction of it all. Terrifying, dangerous, hurtful, insane, deeply disturbing are justsome of the words that describe the stuff that was going on in our lives. I’m glad I now understand that these actions that made no sense were the result of my child being underforeign management, specifically that of a brain that was desperate for a fix. My son believed he would diewithout drugs. (And given his drug of choice, there was a component of reality to this. He needed medicaldetox.) I know he would never have hurt us intentionally; he was at the mercy of his addiction. And addiction isanything but merciful. Still, I sometimes recall the pain and the anger I felt during those years. For my son and for me, I’vechosen to forgive. I forgive myself too; there are things I regret saying and doing when he wasusing. This is the way we have moved forward as a family.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 46: One Day at a Time I can’t fix yesterday, but I can create a beautiful tomorrow. Ask each day, "How can today be a little better than yesterday? Can I do at least one thing 10%better today? Can I smile 10% more today than yesterday? Can I connect to someone 10%more today?”Each day is a steppingstone for a larger possibility for tomorrow. Whatever happens today isuseful. If it is good, I can feel joy. If it is bad, I can use it for my own growth. Whateversituation comes up today will make me stronger and better.I have a choice to react to the experiences of today with suffering or as an opportunity togrow and learn how to make a better tomorrow. Whether I become wise or wounded is up tome. I can grow and blossom into a beautiful flower each day or I can sit in misery and cry.Make the choice for today to be a stepping stone for a greater tomorrow.

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 47: You Can't Compare Progress Don’t push recovery. Let the counselors do that work for you. Meet with the program director if you have serious concerns.Remember, you are not your child’s higher power. If you want to see progress, work harder on your program. Stay the course. Journal your gratitude. Keep going to the meetings. Don’t compare. No two recoveries are alike. “Comparison is the death of joy." - Mark Twain I will never forget one dad sharing his observation about the progress of his son’s recovery. He said it feltlike it was happening in slow motion. He used the analogy of driving on a highway. His son was in a golfcartgoing 5 miles per hour while the other kids in the program seemed to be in high-speed race cars, doing 70miles per hour and passing each other!He had to stop comparing his child’s progress to that of others. His son was slow and steady, but guess what,he still got there. Your child’s recovery is not like Burger King; you can’t have it your way!

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 48: Always Have an Attitude of Gratitude “Having gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we haveinto enough, and more.” – Melody Beattie Look for the good in yourself. Thank those who serve you.Keep a gratitude journal.Surround yourself with grateful, positive people.Notice the small things…the smell of fresh cut grass, a perfect latte,your dog nuzzling your hand.Recall sweet moments in your life.Choose to be grateful.It's all in the attitude!

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 49: Big Journeys Begin with Small Steps Calling a friend or sponsorNaming three things I can see, three things I can smell, and three things I can feel right now(This is surprisingly calming!)Breathing with intentionHelping someone elseGoing to parent meetingsThere is a reason “one day at a time” is perhaps the most famous AA saying. Recovery is a HUGEjourney, and it's overwhelming to consider everything that might happen in the future. My hard-won advice? Resist the urge to try to figure it all out. Focusing on what you can't control can leadto fear and paralysis, which get you nowhere, believe me.Instead, focus on the "next right step." You cannot know every outcome, but you can make aneffort to do even a tiny thing that puts you on the path of growth. Take this journey one day, onehour, or one minute at a time. The smallest of steps can get you where you need to go. Here are a few of my go-to small steps:

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Tip 50: Keep Coming Back In the beginning we were strongly encouraged to attend the parent meetings. Initially, we came to meetings because we wantedour daughter fixed. While in Full Circle our daughter kept relapsing and had to enter the full outpatient Insight program. I wantedmy daughter fixed and had no clue that it would be a lifelong journey for her and for me. I felt like, “Why am I here when it’s mydaughter who’s an addict?” I didn’t know that I needed to be “fixed” too in order to heal. Keep coming back.In the beginning, I couldn’t share because I was so distraught and uncomfortable. Other parents shared stories that were likeours. I quickly learned that we were not alone. In time, I was able to share. Sometimes it was a “therapy” session to get things offmy chest. But eventually, it was to share experiences, both victories and disappointments, in hope of helping others. Keepcoming back.These meetings gave us the insight and tools we needed to set our shots & walls. We started making changes within ourselves.We were changing even before our daughter was willing. She noticed. Keep coming back.Here we are 17 months from our starting point, and I continue to come to learn and absorb. Even when I think I’m in a good placeor just don’t feel like going to a meeting, I keep coming back. I often walk away with a bit of information that I didn’t know Ineeded to hear. Coming to meetings is also about fellowship and giving back. I feel the love of the group. I now recognize that by sharing, I amnot only helping myself but possibly nurturing and empowering others. Through the meetings I have gained a reconnection withmy Higher Power. I've learned that I need to concentrate on self-care and serenity in my life. Keep coming back. You won'tregret it . www.mustardtreefoundation.org

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www.mustardtreefoundation.orgTip 51: A Higher Power of My Own UnderstandingTip 51: A Higher Power of My Own UnderstandingTip 51: A Higher Power of My Own Understanding “We realized that a Higher Power, expressed through our love for each other, can help restore us tosanity.” - Step 3, Twelve Steps of Enthusiastic SobrietyFor some of us, Step 3 is an easy buy-in. We were raised in a specific faith, we believe in God, our familyis active in church. Higher Power? Check! Our kid knows all about God, so we’re good to go.For others of us, Step 3 is more challenging. Maybe we're agnostic or atheist. Maybe we hada problematic experience of religion growing up. We might be understandably suspicious oftalk of a Higher Power.Whatever we believe (or don’t believe), it's important to acknowledge that our kids have their very ownspiritual lives. Your child may enter the program with a certain set of beliefs and, over time, develop adifferent understanding of what a Higher Power means to them. Give them the freedom to explore that.And give yourself that freedom, too.

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Tip 52: Find the Good by Feeling the GoodTip 52: Find the Good by Feeling the GoodTip 52: Find the Good by Feeling the Good What is true is that we can find the good by feeling the good. We know that everything andeveryone looks better when we feel happy. Each day I take a few moments to reflect on how many ways my life is full. I have enoughfood, I have a home, I am alive, and so many more. The more we remind ourselves of thegood, the more we feel the good and can find the good in every situation. The old adage holds true: whether a glass is half-empty or half-full depends on you. Tryseeing it as half full. Feeling as though there is enough is a good way to enhance your senseof well-being.We don’t have to understand everything about a situation (or a person) to accept it as it isand find at least one good thing in it.“Find the good. It's all around you. Find it, showcase it, and you'll start believing in it.” - Jesse Owenswww.mustardtreefoundation.org

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BonusTip 53: The Itty, Bitty, Shitty CommitteeTip 53: The Itty, Bitty, Shitty CommitteeTip 53: The Itty, Bitty, Shitty Committee The Itty Bitty Shitty Committee (IBSC) is a funny name for a truly nasty chorus inside the heads ofpeople with addiction. This committee has given itself the full-time job of detailing the reasons aperson should feel ashamed, inadequate, unworthy, scared, and generally just never enough.Because this refrain is constant, it becomes Muzak playing in the background, out of the level ofconsciousness until a few high (or in this case, low) notes jump out. It is one of the tasks of recoveryto learn to unmask the IBSC and not buy into its messages.As a parent of a child with addiction, you probably have your own IBSC. It may have been in residencein your head for a long time, or it may have formed more recently, when you realized your kid was introuble. Either way, learning to deal with the voices telling you that you’ve failed, that there is nohope, that you're a terrible parent, that your family is ruined (or whatever fallacies the IBSC ispushing) is one of your most important tasks in recovery too. Recognize that these thoughts are not reality. You don't need to wrestle with them, just allow them topass. Learning to banish the IBSC will put you in a much better position to be present and kind withyourself and with your child. www.mustardtreefoundation.org

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Tip 54: The End Game - Where We All Hope to End UpTip 54: The End Game - Where We All Hope to End UpTip 54: The End Game - Where We All Hope to End Up "The End of Labor is to Gain Leisure." AristotleThis much is true: I am not the cause of my child's addiction, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I knowfor sure that I like the feeling of being in control and that's more about me than the situation. I can'tcontrol what others do, but I can control how I react to things out of my control. I do know that I amgoing to meet my kids where they are and not where I want them to be. Wherever they are at in life isokay with me. I know that having no expectations breaks down walls, so I can fully and unconditionallylove. I know to listen more than I speak. I know to be present when I'm with others I care about. I willtake progress over perfection and that time takes time. I know for sure that I can let my kids havetheir own journey, that it's not our journey or my journey, but theirs alone. I am content with my lifeand if I'm ok, my kids are ok. I know that it takes work to become self-aware and make changes in mylife. If I can survive one day at a time, I will persevere. When I can't do one day at a time, I will drill itdown to the minute. I have joy in my life beyond my wildest dreams. That joy comes from within. Attimes when I have been in crisis, I never thought I'd find joy again, but by God's grace, I find it everytime. My family is my world and nothing else compares to their love. I will pray for the serenity toaccept things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know thedifference every single day. I will accept life on life's terms. There is always hope.www.mustardtreefoundation.orgBonus