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4MOM STORIES 4DAD STORIES I SEGALOVE I S EDITIONS MMXXII

C O P Y RI G H T 202 2 BY I L E N E SEGA LOV E A L L RI G H T S R E S E RV E D I S B N 9 7 8 0 9 9 0 8 8 1 5 2 0 21ST CENTURY BOOKS BY ILENE SEGALOVE 2 Dreams 3 Dreams 61 Dreams 42 Dreams Stumbling Blocks Careers Life could be a dream sweetheart

Mom Sh Boom Mom and I walked to Palm Market on Wilshire Boulevard It sat next door to the barber shop We popped in to say hello to Barber Bruce The popular love song Sh Boom played on the radio as Mom pulled Bruce aside to gab Then I saw it A gigantic headline spread across the front page of one of the customer s newspapers It screamed TV SUPERMAN KILLS HIMSELF WITH A GUN The floor disappeared from under my nine year old feet I felt dizzy and scared Why would Superman kill himself I sort of understood that he was played by the actor George Reeve but I still couldn t understand what had happened Did Superman kill himself or did George Reeve kill himself Who was who When I asked the room fell silent Then I heard buried whispers and felt more alone than ever It all seemed like a bad dream Sh Boom echoed behind my thoughts Life could be a dream sweetheart But it wasn t a dream I was wide awake 7

Dad Dr Kildare The big window where we do our ballet warmups faces Pico Boulevard I can see Dad s purple Riviera parked in front He waits for me every Friday night It s almost 6 15 I take off my black slippers pull up some Pixie boots and go downstairs Hi honey How was dance class Oh fine Dad you know Dr Kildare is in our class We did our pleas at the bar together He is Isn t he really Richard Chamberlain Yes Well he s both He s really handsome and wears pink tights With a bulge in the front Dad smiles What are we having for dinner tonight I ask always hungry after dancing Mom said lumpy mashed potatoes for sure 9

Mom Flying Assholes My mom was the Mother Who Swore My girlfriends used to come over on a Saturday and sit patiently on the chartreuse velveteen couch waiting for Mom to return from errands And in she d storm Snapping gum and smoking Mom would start in about the most recent aggravations Damn butcher stupid tailor too much goddamn traffic My girlfriends would wiggle and giggle and stiffen They re all a bunch of Flying Assholes at Lerner s department store she d shout and then with her right hand would illustrate the assholes with a kind of okay sign index finger tip touching the thumb tip and then would add zest by wiggling the third fourth and baby finger in a way that made the gesture resemble a flying something My girlfriends would turn red and I d say Thanks Mom Mom wasn t too sure what was going on but having an audience certainly didn t stop her 11

Dad Malevich Painting When I was about 14 years old Dad and I took a trip to a Russian art show at the L A County Art Museum Dad was fascinated by the non paintings as he called them of Kazimir Malevich This guy was a Russian avant garde supremicist painter who pioneered abstract art I wandered around the huge installation while Dad stared hard at one of Kazimir s paintings called White On White He even took notes made measurements When we returned home Dad disappeared for a few hours Then he made his appearance in the kitchen with an exact copy of the Malevich painting in hand What a load of crap This isn t painting But what is it I suggested the power of Kazimir was the fact that his work was recognized as important more than what it was in itself He had no clue what I was talking about At the time I didn t either 13

Mom Hot Coffee Mom told me about a dinner party she attended in the San Fernando Valley at one of Dad s relatives ranch style homes It was a catered affair The tables were set up outside but it was a bit chilly for Southern California in May Mom noticed the help was serving coffee She really wanted a nice hot cup A waitress wandered over to pour mom some coffee but Mom had already done a Mom thing After noticing how cold the china coffee cups were sitting out in the cold now for an hour or two Mom snatched her and Dad s coffee cups into her two hands and then proceeded to snuggle them under her dress right on her two large 98 6 degrees breasts To warm them up as she said The waitress wandered over to pour and then asked Where are the cups And out I flipped them Mom chuckled The waitress was floored but poured And we had hot coffee that night Mom broadcast proudly 15

Dad Shit Gold Dad started an innovative and very successful laboratory where they performed blood urine and stool testing One day he brought home a few samples A bright yellow vial was glistening near the table lamp This is Elvis piss he smiled Bio Science Laboraties tested a lot of famous people s bodily fluids One night dad and I were having some cold cereal for a snack He was a bit pissed off that I was spending money making photographs for a museum show with expensive fancy frames that no one wanted to buy I turned shit into gold he pronounced And you you turned gold into shit I gasped Dad was usually really sweet and kind and supportive But he didn t understand why I d do anything that seemed to have no value His alchemy and mine were quite different 17

Mom May Company I wasn t great at math When I had to take the New Algebra course in tenth grade I felt frustrated To make matters worse the teacher Mrs Boudineot was always in a bad mood She screamed formulas at the class like weapons shooting out of her pretty pink lipstick mouth It turned out she was newly pregnant and her hormones were running the show but we didn t know that at the time My doctor told me not to stand on this tall chair she d shout accusingly as she wrote some X s and equal signs at the very top of the blackboard I just didn t get what X was nor why Normally an A student I found myself getting C s on pop quizzes I told my mom and she said Let s get in the car and drive over to May Company We went to that big department store to the mezzanine into a special section I d never noticed before Next to lingerie there was a School niche where you could buy textbooks My mom went right over to the big yellow books in the corner and pulled out a thick book Here you go she smiled

It was the answer book to our New Algebra 1 text and it said in big letters across the front Teachers Edition I gulped Would we get arrested Would I get in instant trouble I looked around for mirrors or cameras There were none I never knew you could just buy the answers if you wanted to Mom and I browsed in the purse department and then left with the book in a big bag How did my Mom know you could do this She just pulled out a Salem cigarette lit it up and off we went The truth was having this book helped me learn algebra better I d look at a question Then I d look at the answer to a problem and trace it backwards to the question Maybe that was lopsided but I ended up learning a lot and got the highest grade in the class Was that cheating 21

Dad Paul Revere s Ride I loved entering contests A big history project competition was happening and I wanted to win I found a great map of Paul Revere s Ride in a Life Magazine and decided to recreate it in paper mache I got the chicken wire and whipped up some glue and voila Mountains and rivers formed the geography of Paul s big midnight ride all in three dimensions Now how to show his warning the patriots of the enemy s advance I asked my dad to help We put together Paul s ride in red lights the patriots in the field in white and the British enemy s location in blue Well Dad did He also made a box that fit into the board so you could press buttons to light up the various important characters and relationships Needless to say I won the contest A big blue ribbon was put on the church I made out of playdough in the middle of the midnight ride But then I got called to the principal s office She sat me down We know you didn t do that project alone I responded Of course not How could I I don t know much about electricity But it was my idea 23

Mrs Jones replied That doesn t matter You cheated Your Dad helped you didn t he Of course he did I figured we could make the best project ever Alone there would be no lights Mrs Jones took back my ribbon and I went home I wasn t mad really What she said made no sense to me And obviously it made no sense to her My parents were contacted and asked if the project could be donated to the school to be displayed in the key showcase near the entry as a student s history project My Mom was furious but Dad said Why not We don t need that thing around the house After awhile paper mache attracts too many bugs So the school came and picked up the project and Mrs Jones reluctantly gave me back my blue ribbon 25

ILENE SEGALOVE is a conceptually driven multi media artist who bounces between multiple platforms From photographic and video narratives to audio commentaries for NPR from academia as professor and mentor to book editor and writing consultant she is also the author of numerous quirky books Her work is collected by many noteworthy institutions including The MET MOMA The Getty LACMA The Hammer and MOCA Segalove lives in Santa Barbara California with infinite succulents and no living pets

D R AW I N G S T E X T BY ILENE SEGALOVE BOOK DESIGN BY JOHN BALKWILL MMXXII

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