1 Presented by P.O. Box 81662, Billings, MT 59108-1662 844/447-2671 www.aorhope.org Mediation Practicum Manual Learning to Mediate between Disputing Parties
2 Ambassadors of Reconciliation is a non-profit, international ministry founded to equip Christians and their churches for living, proclaiming, and cultivating lifestyles of reconciliation. Learn more about us at www.aorhope.org. This Mediation Practicum Manual, together with the live teaching and presentation of the material, is copyrighted by Ambassadors of Reconciliation (AoR). Information on using copyrighted material is available at https://www.aorhope.org/copyrighted-material. Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. This publication is designed to provide general information on biblical conflict resolution. It is not intended to provide legal or other professional advice. If legal counsel or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought. © 2005, 2006, 2008, 2015, 2017, 2019, 2021, 2024 by Ambassadors of Reconciliation. All rights reserved. Ver. 12/2024
3 Contents Introduction: Objectives for Mediation Training ............................................................. 5 How to Approach the Training ................................................................... 6 Who Can Use These Principles, Note Well ................................................ 7 Ground Rules ................................................................................................ 8 1. Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation ........................................................ 9 2. The Role of the Mediator ........................................................................... 24 3. Pre-Mediation ............................................................................................. 28 4. The Mediation Process ............................................................................... 36 5. Greetings and Ground Rules .................................................................... 38 6. Opening Statements of the Parties ........................................................... 44 7. Story Telling ............................................................................................... 45 8. Private Meetings ......................................................................................... 50 9. Problem Identification and Clarification ................................................. 53 10. Explore Solutions ....................................................................................... 58 11. Lead to Agreement ..................................................................................... 60 12. Post Mediation ............................................................................................ 63 13. Reconciler Reports ..................................................................................... 64 14. Complex Cases and Special Circumstances ............................................. 65 15. Cultivating Lifestyles of Reconciliation ................................................... 67 16. Case Studies ................................................................................................. 72 Instructions for Role Plays .................................................................... 74 Mediation Training: Case Study #1 ..................................................... 75 Mediation Training: Case Study #2 ..................................................... 77 Mediation Training: Case Study #3 ..................................................... 95 Appendix A: Model Case Forms ................................................................... 111 Case Information ......................................................................................................112 Interview Agreement ................................................................................................113 Interview Agreement and Fees ................................................................................114
4 Mediation Agreement ...............................................................................................115 Preliminary Statement of Issues and Remedies .....................................................116 Individual Party Form ..............................................................................................117 Mediation Panel Approval .......................................................................................120 Mediation Agenda and Ground Rules Handout ....................................................121 Mediator’s Checklist .................................................................................................122 Separating Issues, Positions, and Interests .............................................................124 Memorandum of Understanding .............................................................................125 Appendix B: Sample Mediation Statements ................................................ 127 Greetings and Ground Rules for a Mediation ........................................................128 Transition Statements for GOSPEL Agenda .........................................................131 Memorandum of Agreement Checklist ...................................................................133 Appendix C: Scripture References for Mediation ...................................... 135 The Ten Commandments .........................................................................................136 Negligence / Causing Harm to Neighbor / Restitution ..........................................137 Stealing / Embezzlement / Coveting / Deceit / Restitution ................................137 Misuse of Another’s Property ..................................................................................139 Abuse of Authority ....................................................................................................139 Respect Authority .....................................................................................................140 Marriage ....................................................................................................................151 Lies / Deceit / Keeping Your Word .........................................................................153 Gossip / Slander ........................................................................................................154 Anger ..........................................................................................................................156 Trust and Fear...........................................................................................................157 Confession and Forgiveness .....................................................................................149 Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness ...............................................................................150 Notes ................................................................................................................ 153
5 Introduction Objectives for Mediation Training This training is designed to equip you to serve in basic mediation processes for churches, Christian ministries, and other mediation situations. Please approach this training with confidence in God’s desire and ability to help you develop these life-changing skills. He is eager to give good gifts to his people and strengthen his church. More specifically, our goals are to help you: • Remember that we are people who have been reconciled to God by the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. • Appreciate more fully the sufficiency of a scriptural process for mediating conflict. • Sharpen your ability to select the most helpful reconciliation role you can play in a given conflict situation. • Identify your strengths and weaknesses as a mediator and work to improve and refine your skills. • Introduce how to develop a reconciliation ministry in your congregation, school or other organization that will provide the following services: o Teaching o Coaching o Mediation o Adjudication
6 How to Approach the Training This course is designed to provide you with knowledge and to give you opportunities to develop skills in the foundations of Christian mediation. While we will briefly describe conflict coaching and refer to adjudication, the focus of this course will be on mediation. Therefore, do not be disappointed if we do not address every nuance or issue that you encounter in specific conflict situations. Further training in coaching, adjudication, and advanced coaching and mediation is available, should you choose to pursue additional training in Christian conciliation. We encourage you to view this class as one step in a lifelong journey of learning how to be a peacemaker (in your own life) and a reconciler (guiding others in conflict). Do not be intimidated by our discussion of legal processes and applicable rules and laws. This information is necessary for a comprehensive discussion of the mediation process and is helpful in putting Christian conciliation in its proper context. However, legal expertise is not required for most biblical peacemaking. If you are a pastor, attorney, professional counselor, social worker, or human resource manager, please allow time to integrate this information into your existing frame of reference. Some of what we say may be inconsistent with your presuppositions, training, and experience. Furthermore, you may know more than we do about certain topics and issues. Even so, please be openminded and postpone rejecting specific principles until you have the entire process and system in front of you. Then be a “Berean” by rigorously examining what we teach with Scripture (Acts 17:11).
7 Who Can Use These Principles? While this training was specially designed to equip leaders to serve as adjudicators in a church-based ministry, others will find this helpful in their respective vocations. This training is especially useful to: • Denominational leaders and administrators, pastors, counselors, teachers, and other church leaders who would like to facilitate biblical conflict resolution within their churches and schools. • CEOs, executive managers, human resource managers, and other leaders of Christian organizations with mediation and/or adjudication processes for employees, clients, and consumers. • Professors, principals, educators, and other instructors who equip Christian leaders through colleges, universities, seminaries, other institutions of higher education, and primary and secondary schools. • Attorneys who would like to help their clients and churches use alternatives to civil litigation. • Individuals who serve as informal peacemakers within their families, congregations, and communities. • Parents and children as they grow together in their relationship with God and each other. • People who serve as part of a formal reconciliation ministry in their denomination, church, school or other organization. Those who are interested in pursuing a career offering Christian adjudication services are encouraged to seek additional training in adjudication. Note Well Ambassadors of Reconciliation strongly encourages everyone to utilize two fundamental tools in assisting others to reconcile (found in Guidelines for Christian Conciliation, Institute for Christian Conciliation, 2024 and available at https://www.aorhope.org/rules). • ICC Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation or other written rules of procedure for your organization. • Standard of Conduct for Christian Conciliators Utilizing written procedural rules and committing to a standard of conduct are essential for volunteers and professionals in offering quality reconciliation services.
8 Ground Rules During this training course, please remember these ground rules. Be a Berean Just as the Bereans did, test against the Scriptures all the principles presented to you (see Acts 17:11). Maintain Confidences To maximize your learning experience, we encourage you to be self-reflective and transparent with each other. To foster an environment where people can be honest about themselves, please respect the confidentiality of your fellow participants. • Keep confidential what you are told by another participant unless you have the consent of that person to divulge it to someone else (including your instructor). • During discussions, you may have occasion to mention situations involving third persons who may be known to others in this course. Use care in how you refer to others in your organization. Change some facts to disguise any such references and protect confidences. Participate in Special Exercises This training utilizes special exercises and role plays to facilitate greater learning. These exercises are essential to the training process and will greatly improve your conciliation skills. If a particular role presents difficulties for you, please ask your instructor for guidance or reassignment to a different role. Ask Questions Your active interaction with the instructors and other participants is an integral part of our learning together. We love questions! However, in the interest of time and in order to facilitate group dynamics, the instructors may delay answering some questions until break times. Note Your Aha’s Please take the time to note your “Aha’s.” You will learn a great deal of information and may have some key insights into your present calling or situation. Make note of your insights so that you may easily refer back to them when you have a special need. Be Considerate with Technology Using cell phones, tablets, or computers can sometimes be a distraction to others. Please be respectful of your fellow participants and the instructors. Turn off any ring tones or email notice tones. Do not answer any calls in a class session but take necessary calls outside the classroom.
9 1. Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Romans 12:18 Christian mediation is more than just conflict resolution—it also seeks reconciliation. What is the difference between conflict resolution and reconciliation? In conflict resolution, we address the material or substantive issues of the conflict. Examples include issues involving money, property, roles, structure, etc. We identify the problems to be solved and negotiate with the other person to resolve them. In reconciliation, we seek to restore the relationship by addressing the relational or personal issues of the conflict. Examples include such things as hurtful words and actions, gossip, avoidance, denial, etc. Relational issues are reconciled through confession and forgiveness. 1. My most serious conflict in all of life is with God. • Isaiah 59:2 • Romans 3:10-12 2. The consequence of being in conflict with God is death (eternal separation). • Romans 6:23 3. In addressing my conflict with Him, God chose reconciliation. • 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 4. Which is more difficult—conflict resolution or reconciliation? Why? Thus, the Christian mediator seeks to help parties do more than just resolve their conflicts. He seeks to guide parties to reconcile–restore their relationships–through confession and forgiveness. As a result, Christian mediation requires much more time and effort than secular methods. Why does Christian mediation require much more time and effort than secular mediation?
10 Under the Cross Christian mediation begins with personal peacemaking, bringing parties together under the cross of Christ. The cross can remind us how we are reconciled. In our vertical relationship, God reconciled us to Himself through Christ. We remember that we are His children, called to a lifestyle of repentance, receiving His forgiveness. In our horizontal relationship, we are called to be reconciled with other people for whom Christ has died. We confess our sins to the other person, forgive as God forgave us through Christ, and restore others with gentleness.
11 Be Reconciled to God What does it mean to be reconciled to God? In Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 2 Corinthians 5:19-20 Remember Whose You Are (1 John 3:1) How does my identity affect reconciliation? Repent before God (Psalm 51:17) How do my conflicts with others affect my relationship with God? Receive God’s Forgiveness (1 John 1:9) How am I reconciled to God? Be Reconciled to Others What does it mean to be reconciled to others? [Jesus said,] “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24 Confess to the Other Person (James 5:16) How does my confession lead to reconciliation? Forgive as God Forgave You (Colossians 3:12-13) How does forgiving and resolving lead to reconciliation? Restore with Gentleness (Galatians 6:1) How does restoring others lead to reconciliation?
12 Remember Whose You Are How does my identity affect reconciliation? By nature, I am: • A sinful creature. Psalm 51:5; Romans 3:10-12, 23; James 2:10 • An enemy of God. Isaiah 59:2; Romans 5:10 • One who daily struggles with my sinful nature. Job 14:4; 15:14; Romans 7:14-25; Galatians 5:17 • Unclean and worthless, a beggar who has nothing to offer God. Isaiah 64:6; Romans 3:12; 1 Timothy 6:7 • Condemned to be separated from God eternally. Romans 6:23 In Christ, I am: • No longer separated from God, I have been brought near by His blood. Ephesians 2:12-13; Romans 8:35-39 • A new creature through Him. Isaiah 53:5-6; John 3:16; 2 Corinthians 5:16-21 • Changed from an enemy to an heir. Romans 6:2-5; Galatians 3:26-4:7; Titus 3:5-7 • A beloved child of God, precious in His eyes. Isaiah 43:4; John 1:12-13; 1 John 3:1 • Cleansed and ransomed by the precious blood of Christ. 1 John 1:7; 1 Peter 1:18-19 How might my identity in Christ affect the way I respond to conflict? • It comforts me through the forgiveness of sins and the gift of the Holy Spirit. My sins have been washed away. Acts 2:38; 22:16 • It changes my identity to a new creation and a child of God. 2 Corinthians 5:17; 1 John 3:1 • It reminds me that I am called to live not for myself but rather for Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 • Having been baptized into Christ, I can walk in the newness of life. Romans 6:3-4 • It teaches me to put off the old self and put on a new self. Ephesians 4:22-24 We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. Isaiah 64:6 See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. 1 John 3:1
13 Who needs to be reconciled? • First, I need to be reconciled to God. Psalm 51:3-5; 1 John 1:8-9 • Next, I need to be reconciled to others: o Someone who has something against me. Matthew 5:23-24 o Someone who has sinned against me. Matthew 18:15 • Whether or not I need to be reconciled to someone else, I may need to help another. However, I must use care! Galatians 6:1-2 How should I view others in conflict? People for whom Christ has died! (John 3:16). This includes: • A brother or sister in Christ (a fellow child of God). 1 John 3:1, 23 • Someone who does not yet know Christ. 1 Peter 2:12; 1 Peter 3:14-17 Conflict resolution vs reconciliation The mediator needs to help the parties distinguish between conflict resolution and reconciliation. Conflict resolution addresses the material or substantive issues of the conflict. We identify problems to be solved and negotiate with the other person to resolve them. Reconciliation restores the relationship by addressing the relational or personal issues of the conflict. These issues are reconciled through confession and forgiveness. • With whom is my most serious conflict in all of life? Isaiah 59:2; Romans 3:10-12 • What are the consequences of being in that conflict? Romans 6:23 • Did God use conflict resolution or reconciliation in addressing my conflict with Him? 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 Both conflict resolution and reconciliation are necessary in virtually all conflicts! Material Issues include money, property, roles, structure, etc. Personal Issues include hurtful words & actions, gossip, denial, avoidance, etc.
14 Repent before God How do my conflicts with others affect my relationship with God? What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3 What does conflict reveal about my heart? Our quarrels and fights reveal our hidden desires, which become evident when we act on those desires and sin against God or others. Rather than responding to disagreements as children of God, we may react from our sinful nature by attacking or fleeing. When we don’t get what we want, we make our demands known and punish others. How does conflict in my heart relate to idolatry? The First Commandment requires, “You shall have no other gods.” Scripture explains that this means that we should fear, love, and trust in God above all things. For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised; he is to be feared above all gods. (Psalm 96:4) [Jesus said,] “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” (Matthew 22:37) Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5) Any time we fear, love, or trust someone or something more than God, we sin against the First Commandment. We are guilty of a form of idolatry, putting someone or something above God. When we are willing to sin in order to get what we want, we are not fearing God most of all. We are not loving Him above everyone or everything else. We are not trusting that He will give us everything we need. We turn our desires into demands–demanding what we want from others and even from God. This puts us in conflict with anyone (including God!) whom we believe is putting up a roadblock to our desires. The result? Fights and quarrels (James 4:1-3). Our heart is determined to get what we want, when we want it, and the way in which we want it. Sinful behaviors exhibited in conflict reveal our struggle to serve ourselves and the secret desires of our hearts. We want to be the god of our own heart’s desires, and we expect others to give in to our demands. In other words, we are guilty of idolatry! Sins against the First Commandment • Fears • Cravings • Misplaced Trust
15 What are some examples of the idols of the heart? Sin originates in the heart. Our heart’s desires become idolatrous when we fear, love, or trust someone or something more than God. Consider some of the idols of our hearts that might be revealed in conflict. • Improper desires for physical pleasure Referred to “cravings” or “lusts of the flesh” in the Bible. 1 John 2:15-17; Galatians 5:16-21; Ephesians 4:17-20 • Pride and arrogance Self-proclaimed “gods” judge others who do not meet their demands. These judgments lead to condemning and punishing those who do not serve them. Proverbs 8:13; Proverbs 16:18; Matthew 23:12 • Love of money or material possessions Another example of craving or lust. 1 Timothy 6:10; Hebrews 13:5 • Fear of man Excessive concern about what others think of us, leading to a preoccupation with acceptance, approval, popularity, personal comparisons, self-image, or pleasing others. Proverbs 29:25; Luke 12:4-7 • Good things that I want too much Good desires that we elevate into demands (aka cravings or lusts) Luke 12:22-31; James 4:1-3 How can we flee from the idols of our hearts and turn towards God? The way to flee from our idols and turn towards God is this: Repent! Confess your idolatrous sins to God and believe in His forgiveness for you! Through repentance, we exchange our worship of our false gods for the worship of the true God. Those who repent and seek hope for overcoming temptation receive God’s comfort: Psalm 51:1-12; 1 John 1:9; 2 Corinthians 5:14-15; 1 Peter 2:24
16 Receive God’s Forgiveness How am I reconciled to God? If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 Daily confession As believers in Christ, we are called to live a new life, putting off our old Adam ways and living for Christ: But that is not the way you learned Christ!—assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:20-24) Daily contrition is necessary for the child of God because we sin daily. Accordingly, we need the assurance of God’s love and forgiveness each day so that we can live our new life in Christ. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. (1 John 1:8-10) Our confession of sin reflects our faith in Jesus. Those who believe and trust in Christ acknowledge the need for forgiveness through confession of sin. Thus, we profess our faith in the forgiveness we have through Christ. Living in forgiveness We are forgiven! But the temptations of our sinful flesh, the world, and the devil can lead us to doubt this truth. Our doubt is revealed: • when we lose sight of whose we, • when we forget what God has done for us in Christ, • when we self-justify in order to make ourselves righteous. According to 2 Peter 1:9, the cause of people not bearing good fruit is forgetting that their sins have been forgiven. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. 2 Peter 1:9
17 Remembering and proclaiming God’s Forgiveness Remembering that we are forgiven in Christ is the key to living as the children of God. Christ’s forgiveness heals our hurts and empowers us to die to sin and live to righteousness. When guilt or doubts threaten to take away your joy in Christ’s forgiveness, focus on God’s assurance for you. We remember Christ’s forgiveness as we read and hear God’s promise proclaimed to us from His Word. When we proclaim God’s forgiveness to others, we are simply sharing with them the gift that we have received. From the back page of the pamphlet Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness, read the passages of Scripture aloud, inserting your name. For example: “[Name,] He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds[, Name,] you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24
18 Confess to the Other Person How does my confession lead to reconciliation? Therefore, confess your sins to one another, that you may be healed. James 5:16 How do my sins affect others? When we sin against God, we usually sin against others. These offenses harm our relationships with those we hurt. Our sins also affect others, directly and indirectly. How we treat one another affects our witness to Christ and our faith in the forgiveness of sins. Inadequate words for confession Our society does not recognize biblical confession and forgiveness. As a result, people use other words that are poor substitutes for the real thing. “I apologize” can mean “to express regret” or “to make a defense.” • The Bible does not use the word “apologize” for confession. Proverbs 28:13; 1 John 1:9; James 5:16 “I’m sorry” can mean “to express godly sorrow” (regret for sin), “to express worldly sorrow” (e.g., “I’m sorry I have to suffer”), or “I’m sorry you’re upset!” (blame-shifting). “I’m sorry but . . .” or “I’m sorry if . . .” justifies one’s offense so that another can be blamed. • The Bible distinguishes between godly grief (sorrow) and worldly grief (sorrow). 2 Corinthians 7:10 Who is responsible for taking the first step? Each Christian in conflict is always responsible for taking the first step, including: • The one who becomes aware that someone else has something against him. Matthew 5:23-24 • The one who is offended. Matthew 18:15 • Every child of God is called to live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18 Therefore, confess your sins to one another, that you may be healed. James 5:16, emphasis added
19 Guidelines for Christian Confession Expressing godly sorrow in confession reflects true contrition–it is a fruit of repentance. However, we are so accustomed to self-justifying that our words often serve to avoid taking responsibility for our sin. Instead, our words seek to blame others or explain away our guilt. The “Guidelines for Confession” help us to express godly sorrow: • Go as a beggar. Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 15:19; Luke 18:13-14; James 5:16 • Own your sin. Numbers 5:5-7; Psalm 32:3-5; Psalm 51:3-4 o “I sinned against God and you when I . . .” o “I was wrong . . .” • Identify your sins according to God’s Word. o Sinful thoughts–Ecclesiastes 2:1-3; Matthew 15:19; Luke 6:45 o Sinful words–Exodus 20:16; Proverbs 11:13; Ephesians 4:29 o Sinful actions–Exodus 20:12-17; Matthew 7:12; Galatians 5:19-21 o Sins of omission, such as failing to love as Christ commands–1 Corinthians 13:4-7 o Note Psalm 51:4 and the prodigal son’s confession to his father in Luke 15:21 • Express sorrow for hurt your sin has caused. Luke 15:21 o “My sin hurt you by…” or “I am sorry for how my actions hurt you when…” o If you are unsure how your behavior was hurtful, ask! (“How have my actions hurt you?”) • Commit to changing your behavior with God’s help. Psalm 51:10-12; Matthew 3:8; Luke 19:8; Romans 6:21-22; Ephesians 4:22-24 o “With God’s help, I will not do this again.” • Be willing to bear the consequences. Numbers 5:5-7; Luke 15:21; Luke 19:8 • Ask for forgiveness. Genesis 50:17; Psalm 32:5; Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 18:13 • Trust in Christ’s forgiveness. Psalm 103:8-13; Colossians 1:13-14; Ephesians 1:7-10 o Regardless if the other person forgives, trust in Christ’s forgiveness. While not every one of the guidelines is necessary for a godly confession, these can help you take full responsibility for your part in a conflict and avoid denying your sin or blame-shifting.
20 Forgive as God Forgave You How does forgiving and resolving lead to reconciliation? Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossians 3:12-13 How does God forgive me? • My sins are not excused; God’s justice required blood. Hebrews 9:22; 1 John 1:7 • My sins needed to be punished–Christ paid the full price for my sins. Isaiah 53:5-6; John 19:30 • My forgiveness is not conditional upon my works. Romans 6:23b; Ephesians 2:8-10 • My past sins will not be brought up and used against me. Jeremiah 31:34; 1 Corinthians 6:11 • My sins do not condemn me. John 3:17; Romans 8:1 • My sins have been washed clean–I am covered by Christ’s righteousness. Romans 3:21-22; 2 Corinthians 5:21 What is impossible for man . . . Forgiving others as God has forgiven us is impossible–on our own strength. Yet our God calls us to do to others as He has done for us. He promises to give His children the ability to do what He calls us to do: • God grants us strength through His Holy Spirit so that we may live our lives in faith and so that we may have strength to comprehend the immensity of God’s love. Ephesians 3:14-21 • Because Christ died for us on the cross, we can die to sin and live to righteousness. Through Christ’s wounds, we are healed. 1 Peter 2:24. • With St. Paul we can confess, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 False substitutes for forgiving Excusing: That’s okay, No problem, or Don’t worry about it. Punishing: You deserve my judgment and condemnation. Earning: I won’t forgive you until you deserve it or earn it. Recalling: I will never let you forget what you did!
21 Does forgiveness remove consequences? God’s forgiveness removes the most serious consequence of all–eternal separation from Him! However, the Bible teaches that forgiveness does not necessarily remove the earthly consequences. Nevertheless, our Lord often shows great mercy, withholding the consequences. An example is given in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) in which the father showed great mercy to his repentant son. When should I forgive? The granting of forgiveness is not dependent upon repentance. • God’s forgiveness for us was not conditional on our repentance–He forgave us even while we were dead in our sins. Luke 23:34; Romans 5:6-10; Ephesians 2:1-5 But the receiving of forgiveness is dependent upon repentance and faith. • We receive the benefit of God’s forgiveness as we “repent and believe in Jesus.” John 3:16-18; Acts 3:19-20; Mark 1:15 So, when should I forgive someone who has sinned against me? We are called to forgive others as God through Christ forgave us. That means we have the opportunity to grant forgiveness before the other person repents, even before we talk to him or her. However, the person who has sinned against us will not benefit from that forgiveness unless he repents and believes that the gift is his. How can I resolve the material issues that divide us? In reconciliation, we seek to restore the relationship by addressing the relational or personal issues of the conflict. Relational issues are reconciled through confession and forgiveness. In conflict resolution, we address the material or substantive issues of the conflict. We identify the problems to be solved and negotiate to resolve them. Scripture teaches what to do when we need to resolve material issues. • Commit your plans to the LORD. (Proverbs 16:1-3) • Be reasonable. Don’t be anxious, but pray. (Philippians 4:5-6) • Love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:39) • Look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-5) • Do everything without grumbling or complaining. (Philippians 2:14) • Be wise–seek godly counsel. (Proverbs 12:15) But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4
22 Restore with Gentleness How does restoring others lead to reconciliation? Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1-2 What does it mean to restore? Helping one who is caught in sin often includes someone with whom we find ourselves in conflict. • The one who is “caught” in a transgression needs to be restored. This includes: o One who sins against you (Matthew 18:15). o Others who may be ensnared by their sin (see Philippians 4:2-3). o Anyone who wanders from the truth (James 5:19-20). • Those called to restore others include: o Those who are spiritual (Galatians 6:1-2). o The one who is sinned against (Matthew 18:15). o Fellow members in the church (see Philippians 4:2-3). o Believers who see one wandering from the truth (James 5:19-20). The kind of restoration needed most by one who is ensnared in sin is forgiveness from God, which cleanses us from our unrighteousness. This healing restores our relationship with God and opens the door for restoring our relationship with others (Psalm 32:1-5; 2 Peter 1:9; 1 John 1:8-9). Applying Matthew 18 In his commentary on Matthew 18, Jeffrey Gibbs notes, “Jesus is teaching about an extreme form of caring, of compassion, of concern for a fellow disciple in a situation of terrible need.”1 Looking at the entire chapter of Matthew 18, Christ stresses the importance of restoring those whose sins are causing them to wander away from God. Jesus teaches how to address stubborn unrepentance in Matthew 18: • Verse 15: Go in private. • Verse 16: Take one or two others along with you. • Verse 17: Tell it to the church. • Verse 18: Treat him as a Gentile and a tax collector. 1 Gibbs, Jeffrey A. Concordia Commentary: Matthew 11:2-20:34. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2010. 916.
23 Matthew 18:15-20 is sometimes misapplied, as in the following false assertions: • This is a quick three-step process, after which the person should be kicked out of the church. • Going one-on-one means a single attempt to let the other person know what he has done wrong (such as sending an email or letter, making a phone call, or even an in-your-face confrontation). • Others to bring along as witnesses mean those who agree with you and/or who have authority over the other person and can pressure him to do what you want. • “Tell it to the church” means broadcasting your accusations, including utilizing verbal gossip and social media. • Those who are treated as unbelievers should be shunned. Whatever happens, we are called to be faithful to God and His Word. • Our ultimate responsibility? Live peaceably with all, so far as it depends on us. • What is NOT our responsibility? Changing other people’s hearts. What if the other person is not a Christian? The Bible’s instruction for dealing with someone in conflict applies to both Christians and non-believers. You first go in private to confess your sins, forgive as you have been forgiven, and restore with gentleness. If necessary, you then bring one or two others along, all with the idea of restoring gently. However, the direction to “tell it to the church” does not apply since a non-believer is not accountable to the church. How does restoring others relate to reconciliation? Reconciliation requires confession and forgiveness. Between two people, that usually means mutual confession and forgiveness. • We can begin the process of reconciliation by confessing our own sins, seeking forgiveness. • The other person may forgive us as God has forgiven him. • We seek to restore with gentleness by helping another see how he has sinned. When the other person repents, we can proclaim God’s forgiveness, assuring him of his reconciliation to God. • We can also forgive the other person as God has forgiven us. Reconciliation occurs when confession and forgiveness are shared and the relationship is healed. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Romans 12:18
24 2. The Role of the Mediator “[Jesus said,] ‘If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses” (Matthew 18:15-16). Four roles of a reconciler • Teach biblical peacemaking. • Coach one party at a time. • Mediate two or more parties together. • Adjudicate a decision after hearing both parties at the same meeting. The reconciler as a mediator • Purpose: working with both sides in a dispute to improve communication and understanding so that the parties can arrive at a voluntary agreement. The goal of the mediator Applying God’s Word, the mediator guides the parties to embrace Christ-centered perspectives so that they may experience how to: • Be reconciled to God: o Remember whose we are o Repent before God o Receive God’s forgiveness • Be reconciled to each other: o To confess to the other person o To forgive as God forgave him/her o To restore with gentleness
25 The importance of building trust Throughout the conciliation process, it is important that as the mediator you earn sufficient trust with the parties you are assisting. As trust builds, you will have implied permission to address the individual’s underlying heart issues. You’ll earn this permission when the person is assured of four things: • You will not condemn him. • You will keep confidential what is shared. • You care about him. • You can provide practical help. Developing trust is not an event but a continuous process. Once you have had trust and lose it, it will be more difficult to gain that person’s confidence back. Properly earned, this trust will provide you with the opportunities to encourage, confront, exhort, and guide the person with biblical counsel. Trust is constantly earned or used up throughout the coaching process. • Trust is earned in the way you demonstrate love, care, and respect for that person. • Trust is also earned in the careful way you ask questions. • Trust is properly used up when you confront sin or pose difficult questions. • Trust may be improperly lost. For example, before you have earned sufficient trust, asking the right question in the wrong way or too early may reduce, or even end, your effectiveness with that person. You can also lose trust when you do not act with impartiality, betray confidences, or fail to live out what you are teaching. Ultimately, your goal is to teach the person to place more trust in God than in anyone or anything else, including you as reconciler, the other person, or the eventual outcome. Distinctions of mediation • Different from coaching: o The reconcilers work with both parties. o Mediators receive more complete information and can offer more confident advice. • Different from adjudication (or arbitration): o Mediators have no authority to make decisions for the parties, whereas adjudicators are authorized to make binding decisions for the parties. o Mediation is more informal (conversational).
26 o Mediators may meet privately with individual parties in coaching or private meetings. Private meetings are not allowed in adjudication. • Christian mediation is similar to secular mediation: o Similar format. o Mediators are generally motivated by a sincere desire to help people. o Seeks to help parties reach a voluntary and mutually satisfactory agreement. o Seeks to protect parties’ relationship from further damage. o Provides a collaborative alternative to litigation. • Christian mediation is different from secular mediation: o Mediator and parties agree that Scripture plays an authoritative role. § They trust in the power of the Holy Spirit to change people’s hearts § Christian reconcilers must be able to recognize when and how to apply Scripture throughout the process § The reconciler helps parties understand their root sin issues and matters of the heart. o A priority: Reconciliation of the relationship through confession and forgiveness § Mediator may need to confront sin to encourage repentance § Reconciliation requires confession and forgiveness between the parties o Healing occurs as Christ’s forgiveness is proclaimed to the one who confesses o An important issue includes how each party’s witness affects others o Because of the above differences, often takes more time Primary ethical dangers • The mediator presumes certain ideas about the parties or their attitudes and behaviors. • Because parties trust the mediator, he/she must avoid abusing trust, influence, or authority. • Breach of confidentiality. Because reconcilers are sinful people, they can violate these ethical principles. What can they do when this happens? • Confess and seek to restore trust. • If unable to regain trust, help the parties find a new reconciler. A clear distinction: The Holy Scriptures shall be the supreme authority governing every aspect of the process. ICC Rule 4
27 Standard of Conduct for Christian Conciliators Those who register as a Christian Reconciler™ or achieve the professional designation as a Certified Christian Conciliator™ commit to following the Standard of Conduct for Christian Conciliators.2 This standard of conduct was established to promote accountability for ethical and biblical service in reconciliation ministry. A written standard of conduct is essential for any individual, ministry, or other organization who provides conciliation services. We strongly encourage everyone assisting others in reconciliation to commit to this standard of conduct. Three phases of the mediation process Pre-Mediation • Help parties overcome reluctance. • Provide information to the parties. • Prepare parties through instruction and pre-mediation coaching. • Prepare yourself as mediator. • Prepare the site and resources. Mediation (The GOSPEL Outline) • Greeting and ground rules • Opening statements • Story telling • Problem identification and clarification • Explore solutions • Lead to agreement Post-Mediation • Provide written reports as required. • Encourage parties to plan a celebration. • Seek evaluation of reconcilers. • Check-up with parties. • Finetune agreements. • Remain available. • Enforce agreements if necessary. 2 See Guidelines for Christian Conciliation, Institute for Christian Conciliation, 2017. A written standard of conduct is essential for any individual, ministry, or other organization who provides conciliation services.
28 3. Pre-Mediation And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all (1 Thessalonians 5:14). Inquiries Inquiries for mediation may come from different sources: • A party • An attorney, counselor, or other professional working with a party • A church leader • A recommendation from a conflict coach, including yourself Often, one side of a conflict is seeking mediation assistance and the other party is either unaware of mediation or resistant to the idea. Help parties overcome reluctance One or more of the parties may be reluctant to mediate. They may be hurting, angry, confused, or fearful. Some may have no desire to reconcile. Pre-mediation coaching often is necessary to bring people to the table. • Use your coaching skills to guide people to mediate. • Listen compassionately to their stories to gain trust. • Discuss various options for responding to the conflict. Guide them to understand the potential benefits and weigh the costs of not reconciling. • Encourage with Scripture. • Provide realistic hope. You can’t guarantee the results, but you can assure them of God’s promises. • Pray with them. Usually, it is best if the initiating party asks the other party to mediate. However, when relationships are severely damaged, the reconciler may need to contact the other party. If you agree to contact a party, use wisdom in your approach, and intentionally act with impartiality, patience, and kindness. In any case, use care not to triangulate yourself into the conflict. Before you agree to mediate, help the parties determine if mediation is biblically appropriate at this time. The initiating party (or both parties) may need to be coached on their responsibilities to meet together without a third party (Matthew 18:15). They may need help preparing for such a face-to-face meeting and overcoming reluctance. If they have exhausted their options for meeting without outside assistance, or if meeting on their own is not possible, mediation may be their next best step. Before you agree to mediate, help the parties determine if mediation is biblically appropriate at this time.
29 Rules of Procedure Imagine trying to play a game of cricket without knowing the rules. Perhaps you might approach the game thinking it’s very similar to baseball. But as the game begins, you realize your assumptions were wrong and you will be unable to play. What if you started selling marketable securities without knowing about the market or regulatory laws? What would happen if you built houses without knowledge about building codes? The results could be unethical, illegal, and dangerous! Except in simple cases with minor issues, Christ-centered reconcilers who desire to serve people well perform their work according to a written set of procedural rules. It is patently unfair (and unethical) to expect parties to participate in a mediation where they don’t know the rules. Mediation is serious work. Mediating without rules can result in grave consequences, including legal liability. Everyone involved in the mediation (reconciler, parties, advisors) enter the process with their own expectations, past experiences, and education. Many parties have no experience with mediation, but they still have expectations. It is foolish to bring people together to mediate significant issues without agreeing to a written set of procedures. The American Arbitration Association (AAA) has developed and refined court-tested rules for mediation and arbitration. Some organizations with well-defined dispute resolution systems develop their own procedural rules (such as denominational bylaws or business policies). However, as noted in the prior section, Christian mediation is distinct from secular systems in several ways. Over several years, the Institute for Christian Conciliation has developed and refined Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation, which have been tested in court. These rules define boundaries and identify rights of all participants in mediation. Early in the mediation process, the Christian reconciler should provide a copy of the applicable rules of procedure and highlight certain provisions. Before working with parties, the mediator asks parties to sign forms that reference and incorporate the rules of procedure for everyone’s information and legal protection. Provide information to the parties As you work with parties, they need information before they commit to mediation. Most people do not understand Christian conciliation. Take time to explain the overall process and answer any questions they have. • Provide frequently asked questions (e.g., the ICC publication Guidelines for Christian Conciliation). o Remember that people don’t read everything given to them. o Cover fundamental areas. It’s patently unfair (and unethical) to expect parties to participate in a mediation where they don’t know the rules.
30 • Give them a copy of the applicable rules (e.g., ICC Rules of Procedure) o Review key rules with them. § Application of Scripture (ICC Rule 4) § Confidentiality and its limits (ICC Rules 16 and 17) o It’s unfair to lead people in a process where they don’t know the rules. • Describe the process. o Provide a handout that describes the mediation agenda and ground rules. • If a party or attorney is familiar with secular mediation, point out distinctions of Christian mediation. o Help establish realistic expectations and understandings. o Explain how Scripture will be applied. o Describe why Christian mediation takes more time (focus on heart issues, confession, and forgiveness) • Offer to speak with their attorney or other advisors. Utilize mediation forms Using appropriate forms3 informs parties and helps them prepare for mediation. Prepared forms can avoid miscommunication and unmet expectations. For example: • Individual party form—the party provides basic information on himself, his advisor, his church background, and brief description of the issues and remedies he is seeking. • Mediation agreement—a short agreement that lays out the understanding for the agreement; the agreement should incorporate the applicable rules of procedure, and it may include the appointment of a specific mediator. • Mediation/Adjudication Agreement (or Mediation/Arbitration Agreement)—This is an agreement to adjudicate with a mediation at the beginning. Learn more in the AoR Practicum, Adjudication Training: Foundations of Christian Adjudication. • Preliminary Statement of Issues and Remedies—This may be included in the individual party form or mediation agreement. • Summary of Mediation Process and Ground Rules—Simple handout that describes the agenda and ground rules. If fees and costs will apply, additional forms are necessary, such as: • Fees and Costs for Christian Conciliation—General description of fees and costs that parties can expect if they agree to mediation. 3 See Appendix A in this manual for a few Mediation Model Case Forms. Access additional model case forms from the Reconciler Menu at www.aorhope.org. Prepared forms can avoid miscommunication and unmet expectations. Mediation agreement should incorporate the applicable rules of procedure.
31 • Acceptance of Mediator and Compensation Agreement—Approves the mediator and compensation arrangements, including any required deposits. Ascertain proper authority of organizational parties If working with an organization (such as a congregation, a school, a business, etc.), make certain that the party representing the organization has full authority to commit to a settlement agreement. Request copies of the organization’s bylaws, operating policies, or minutes of meetings where authority has been delegated. • For congregations and schools: Request copy of constitution and bylaws and minutes from governing body appointing a representative with the authority needed to commit to an agreement. • For districts or denominational offices: Ascertain through documentation that the party present has authority to commit to an agreement. • For insurance companies: Be certain that the representative can commit to an agreement. Have the insurance company agent sign the mediation agreement in advance, with written verification of their appointment. • For other organizations: Request copies of the organization’s governing documents and minutes to determine that the person representing the organization has authority to make a commitment on its behalf. This is an important step. All the hard work of a mediation may be for nothing if you have the wrong parties at the table. Pre-Mediation coaching For Christian mediation, most of pre-mediation preparation involves coaching. The mediator meets with each party separately, often in multiple sessions, to prepare them spiritually for coming together. Conflict coaching includes: • Assist each party to check mindset. • Guide each one to be reconciled to God. • Prepare the parties to be reconciled to each other. Note the differences between coaching an individual and parties for mediation: • Pre-mediation coaching prepares both parties. • Your coaching may need to include their advisors. • You are preparing parties to meet face-to-face with the reconciler facilitating. All the hard work of a mediation may be for nothing if you have the wrong parties at the table. Be Reconciledto Others• Prepare to go• Confess, forgive, or restore• Pray & encourageCheck Mindset• Draw out the story• Note emotions & repeating patterns• Lead to Christ- centered perspectiveBe Reconciledto God• Apply Scripture• Uncover idols & guide repentance• Proclaim God’s forgiveness
32 If there is an indication that a party may not be Christian, make certain they are comfortable with a process that incorporates the Bible. And, share the Gospel with them. (Don’t be surprised if you work with a member of a church who acts more like a non-believer!) Even if they are mature Christians, take the opportunity to remind them of the lavishness of God’s grace and the forgiveness that is theirs in Jesus Christ. Remind them of their adoption as children of God. Don’t minimize the importance of pre-mediation coaching! The more pre-mediation coaching you provide, the more likely your mediation will result in godly resolution and reconciliation. Coaching homework is especially important. For more information on coaching, refer to the course on conflict coaching. Avoid or minimize unfair power imbalances A power imbalance is any situation where one party holds (or is perceived to hold) more power over another. In most relationships, one side may have more influence than the other. In some cases, both parties feel intimidated by each other. An unfair power imbalance occurs when one party is intimidated by the other so much that it negatively impacts his or her ability to function openly and honestly in the mediation. This can result in a party accepting an unfair settlement. It may even cause that party to leave the mediation. Consider the following: • If one party has positional authority over the other, discuss the implications with both parties and negotiate expectations in advance of the mediation. • If one is verbose and the other is timid, suggest an advisor for the timid party. • If one side has multiple people and the other is an individual, encourage the sole party to have one or more advisors. • Find a neutral location. Avoid using one party’s “home turf” advantage. Help the parties organize for the mediation Parties need guidance in organizing their thoughts for mediation. Part of the job of a mediator is to facilitate discussion that will improve mutual understanding. Because misunderstanding is often a significant factor in disagreements, parties need assistance in communicating their stories and their concerns. • When obvious that they need it, encourage them to seek professional advice, such as an attorney, counselor, or accountant. • Request them to complete client information forms. This will help organize their thoughts. • Encourage them to think through the issues they want resolved. • It is often helpful for parties to tell their stories chronologically. Encourage them to prepare notes for story telling, including time charts, documents, etc. Don’t minimize the importance of coaching! The more pre-mediation coaching you provide, the more likely your mediation will result in godly resolution and reconciliation.
33 • Instruct them to prepare an opening statement. o In one or two sentences, answer the question, “What are my hopes and expectations for this mediation?” • Explain the purpose and rules regarding advisors. Ask if they would like to have an advisor: o Spouse or close friend o Spiritual advisor o Professional (attorney, counselor, accountant, etc.) • Describe the purpose and rules of using witnesses. Ask them if they plan to use witnesses. • Consider how the parties’ churches might be involved. For example: o Could church leaders serve as co-mediators? o Should the parties ask church leaders to serve as advisors? o Do church leaders need to be informed about the conflict and reconciliation process? • Help parties determine who else should be involved as parties: o Insurance carrier o Business partner, family member, others directly impacted o Organizational authorities such as board officers or members • Determine schedule and notify parties. Always give hope In all your contacts with parties and their advisors, be sure to hold out hope. This includes your correspondence. Do not let the complex administrative details associated with mediation overshadow the ministry of the Gospel. Your primary service to all the people involved will be to remind them of God’s love, grace, and mercy and to encourage them to put their faith and trust in Jesus. Prepare yourself as mediator Prepare to serve as a reconciler in a mediation: • What are your roles with regard to the parties (church reconciler, paid professional reconciler, pastor, elder, friend, attorney, counselor)? o Do I have conflicts of interest that could interfere with serving both parties? • Do I as the reconciler need any assistance? o Are there any special situations that require additional help (such as sexual misconduct, criminal charges, congregational conflict, or other complex or unusual situations)? o Should I ask another reconciler to assist me? o Should I seek consultation with Ambassadors of Reconciliation? Remind them of God’s love, grace, and mercy, and encourage them to put their faith and trust in Jesus.
34 • Does your schedule allow for the time needed? o Avoid situations where you begin a mediation too soon after another intense activity. o Avoid situations immediately following mediation where you need to engage in an intense activity or where you may need to cut the time short for another commitment. • Review any pre-mediation information you receive and prepare your thoughts on drafting issues, applicable Bible passages, and relevant rules (agreements, bylaws, civil law, etc.). o What heart issues are involved and what Scriptures are applicable to those issues? o What are the parties’ options for both reconciliation and conflict resolution? o What questions should you ask to guide the parties to reconcile? o What options might you suggest for resolving substantive issues? • Plan time for your own spiritual preparation: prayer, study, and reflection. Prepare the site and resources Once the pre-mediation coaching is concluded and the required forms are completed, prepare the site. • Establish a neutral and private location for the mediation. Make sure that it is accessible to all parties (disabled, elderly, other special considerations). • Arrange the mediation spaces (main room plus rooms for private meetings). When possible, utilize a round table. The chairs should be placed at equal distance so that everyone can easily see one another. At first, the mediator encourages the parties to speak towards him. During breaks as the mediation continues, the mediator may move parties’ chairs so that they are directly across from each other, encouraging them to speak to each other with direct eye contact. Beginning of mediation… After some breaks… Party A Party B Mediator Party B Party A Mediator
35 On the table, provide: • Tissues • Notepads and pens at each place • Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness pamphlets • Bibles (in case the parties forget to bring their own) Assemble your resources: • Mediation checklist • Bible and Scripture reference resources • Applicable rules of procedure • Resources from pre-mediation coaching and homework and for mediation o Devotion booklets o Bible study materials o Hymnals or catechisms o Coaching bookmarks • Case file (agreements, statement of issues, client information) Make final preparations: • General environment is private, clean, uncluttered, comfortable temperature, well-lit • Easy access for elderly or disabled (remember witnesses and advisors) • Extra rooms for private meetings • Refreshments: coffee, water, snacks (fruit, rolls, cookies, mints) with mugs, glasses, and napkins • Flip chart and markers • Accessible restroom and telephone • Accessible computer and printer (if available) or copier
36 4. The Mediation Process But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses (Matthew 18:16). The checklist Although a commercial airline pilot has years of experience, he still uses a checklist before take-off. No matter how experienced you are as a mediator, the Mediator’s Checklist will serve you well. With the checklist in front of you, you can focus more on the parties. Moreover, the parties will be assured that they are in the hands of a professional. The Mediator’s Checklist includes the agenda, ground rules, other instructions, transition statements for each part of the agenda, and reminders for setting up the mediation room. The agenda Mediate using GOSPEL as your agenda: Greeting and ground rules Opening statements Story telling Problem identification and clarification Explore solutions Lead to agreement The mediation process utilizes six basic components in its agenda. The first two parts, greetings and ground rules and opening statements, are fairly straight forward. The third component, story telling, may take more time than other sections. It begins after
37 the opening statements, but portions of the story telling may be interrupted by private meetings, problem identification and clarification, exploring solutions, or agreements. The last three components—problem identification and clarification, explore solutions, and lead to agreement—may come at several places throughout the process and may need to be repeated several times for different issues. The best interruption of all is opportunity for confession and forgiveness. When these times for reconciliation take place, everything else is put on hold. After all, this is one of the most important resolutions that the parties need. Whenever appropriate changes in the agenda take place, allow them to happen naturally unless you have good reason not to. The agenda is not rigid, but rather provides a guideline for keeping the process moving. Always take time necessary for confession & forgiveness.
38 5. Greetings and Ground Rules In this introductory section, you will establish a collaborative environment and set a non-adversarial tone for the mediation. Early in your introductory comments, remind the parties of whose they are (children of God—1 John 3:1) and God’s promise to always be with them (Hebrews 13:5). During the opening, the mediator does most of the speaking. After that, you will guide the parties to do most of the talking. Briefly review the GOSPEL agenda and confirm schedule details—ending time, meal breaks, and times for additional days if needed. Explain the use of private meetings. Clarify the role of the reconcilers, parties, advisors, and witnesses. Keep the opening as short as possible. The longer you take, the more uncomfortable your parties will become. If you cover these basics in pre-mediation coaching, you’ll find it easier to cover greetings and grounds rules in a reasonable time. Mediation agenda (“GOSPEL”) The mediation outline is not a purely linear process (at times you may move up and down the process), but it is helpful for providing parties with an overview of the mediation. Include a box to remind you to explain “private meetings.” Agenda Greetings & introductions Opening statements Story telling Problem identification & clarification Explore solutions Lead to agreement Private Meetings The agenda, ground rules, and other instructions are all listed on the Mediator’s Checklist. Provide the agenda on a handout or write out on a flip chart in advance.
39 Ground rules for mediation It is important to establish ground rules for a mediation and to get the parties’ agreement to these rules. Two essential components for establishing effective ground rules: • They need to be written for everyone to see (use a handout or flip chart). • The parties must agree to them. Consider the following suggested ground rules: • Respectful communication: no name-calling (Ephesians 4:29) • Honesty: full and open disclosure is expected (Matthew 5:37; Ephesians. 4:25) • No interrupting (take notes) [Explain the exception that reconcilers may interrupt to enforce ground rules, for clarification, because of time constraints]. • In Private meetings, focus on the people present; accusations about others outside the meeting room will be brought back to the mediation table • No assuming motives (only God knows the heart of another—Jeremiah 17:9-10; 1 Samuel 16:7b) • Anyone may request a break at any time After you review the ground rules with parties, ask if there are any other ground rules to establish, and then get agreement from each party. Once agreement on the ground rules is reached, commend the parties on their second agreement so early in the process (their first agreement was to mediate). Writing out the agenda and ground rules on a flip chart keeps them visible to everyone throughout the process, and it is easy for the mediator to reference. Ground Rules 1. Respectful communication 2. Honest & open 3. No interrupting (except for mediator) 4. Private Meetings — focus on those present in the room 5. No assuming motives 6. Breaks anytime 7. ?
40 Other important items to mention As you open the mediation, include additional instructions: • The reconcilers are not acting as legal advisors (even if one or more is an attorney). • If the parties selected their pastor or other spiritual advisor as a reconciler, that person is not there as an advocate, but as a mediator. • Parties are requested to focus on their own responsibilities. • Confidentiality: No one will discuss this mediation with outsiders unless they have a legitimate need to know (i.e., church leaders). If parties have questions on exceptions, refer them to the rules of procedure. • This mediation is considered settlement negotiations and may not be used for discovery purposes.4 • Parties will make the final decision. • Parties are responsible for filing any required legal documents. • If a party is there in a representative capacity (e.g., mediating on behalf of a business, corporation, partnership, church, insurance company, etc.), confirm that they have the authority to speak for the organization and enter into an agreement. (This really needs to happen prior to the mediation, but it is good to confirm this in the presence of other parties, so that others know that everyone at the table is properly authorized to act.) Once you have completed the administrative tasks associated with the opening (including answering any questions), you should open with a brief devotional. This should always include prayer and Scripture. But keep it brief—do not preach! See the following pages for a sample greetings and ground rules by a reconciler. 4 “Settlement negotiations” means that what is said in mediation is to remain confidential and is inadmissible in court proceedings unless it can be discovered outside mediation. This protection encourages honest confession and forgiveness since such statements cannot be used against parties should the matter end up in court. Parties are also more inclined to make negotiation offers knowing that such offers will not be used against them in a court proceeding. “Settlement Negotiations” provides legal protections that encourage a collaborative discussion, including confession and forgiveness.
41 Sample reconciler greetings and ground rules for a Mediation I appreciate your coming here today to this mediation. I commend you for your willingness to participate in this process. You are here as Christian brothers and sisters to resolve your differences in a way that honors God, promotes justice and genuine reconciliation, and benefits everyone involved. I remind you of what the Apostle John wrote about our identify: “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are” (1 John 3:1). Our Lord Jesus promises to be with us always, and He is present with us today. Before we get started, I would like us to get to know one another a little better. Let’s take a minute to introduce ourselves. I’ll being, and then we’ll go around the table, starting with _________. Please give your name let us know how to refer to you. Briefly tell us about your family and explain what your work vocation is. [Introduce yourself first to demonstrate what you are looking for. After introductions are complete, continue.] Although I shared with each of you about the agenda and ground rules, I would like to review what you can expect in today’s meeting. [Refer to GOSPEL agenda written on a flip chart or handout.] As you can see, we are currently in “Greetings and ground rules.” We have already made our introductions, and now we are reviewing the process on our agenda. Next, we will establish some basic ground rules, and have a brief devotional. After that, we will move to “Opening statement” where each of you will give your statement. Then, we will move into the “Story telling” phase, where each of you will have an opportunity to explain your perspective on this situation. As your stories unfold, we will start “Problem identification and clarification.” During this part, we will identify the issues you want to address and begin to clarify them. Next we will move into “Explore solutions,” the problem-solving stage. As we work through the issues, we’ll come to “Lead to agreement.” Here is where we will work together to find mutually agreeable solutions to your differences. As you reach agreement, we will document them in a “Memorandum of Understanding.” Throughout the process, you may request a private meeting with me as your mediator. A private meeting may be needed if you feel upset, need to express a strong concern, or want to bounce an idea around. Each person will be given an equal time for a private meeting. Feel free to ask for a private meeting any time you feel the need. As your reconciler, I may also request time for a private meeting. In this meeting, I may talk about where you are in the process, how you are feeling, answer any questions you have, or help prepare you for the next step. In some cases, I may also encourage you to consider taking a particular action. Or, I may ask you to re-examine your words or behavior in the light of Scripture. It is preferable that you do not read this particular sample in your mediation, but rather use it as an example to formulate your own opening. Personalize for your style, but include the key components as outlined above.
42 It is my understanding that everyone can meet today until ________ . Is that correct? [Pause to get agreement from each party.] If we do not get all these things accomplished today, we will continue as scheduled tomorrow at _________. My role as your reconciler in this case is to guide you in reaching an agreement. I will not make the decisions for you. I may offer instruction, ask questions, and make suggestions, but the final responsibility for resolving this dispute belongs to you as parties. Each of you will also decide whether you will confess any wrongs and forgive any offenses. Although my job is to serve as an impartial facilitator, I am also here to serve you by pointing you to Christ. I will remind you of what God through Christ has done for you, and I will encourage you to respond to His love for you. [If you are an attorney, explain that as a reconciler you are not acting as a legal or technical advisor for either party. If you are a denominational leader or the pastor of a party, indicate that you are not there as an advocate, but as a reconciler and spiritual advisor.] I want to remind you about part of Rule 16 in the Rules of Procedure that states, “all communications that take place during the conciliation process shall be treated as settlement negotiations and shall be strictly confidential and inadmissible for any purpose in a court of law, except as provided in this Rule.” In addition, you cannot ask me to testify in any court proceeding related to this case. Do you have any questions about today’s agenda or the general process we are going to follow? [Pause to answer questions, then continue.] I would like to establish a few ground rules to guide us in our working together today [point to each ground rule as it is explained]. First, I ask that we talk in a respectful manner. As Paul urges us in Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Second, I expect everyone to be honest and to give full and complete information on the issues we are discussing. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:37, “Let what you say be simply ‘yes’ or ‘no;’ anything more than this comes from evil.” It is also important that you speak as specifically as possible and avoid using broad generalizations. Third, I ask that you not interrupt one another. If you hear something you disagree with, instead of interrupting, please write your concerns on the note pad in front of you so you can bring the matter up when it is your turn to speak. As the reconciler, I Although you should have gained prior agreement on the schedule, it is important to confirm your ending time.
43 may interrupt someone to enforce ground rules, to clarify something, or because of time constraints. Fourth, I want to explain an important rule for private meetings. During a private meeting, the other party will be out of the room and unable to respond to what might be said against him. Therefore, when I meet with either of you privately, we will try to focus our discussion on the people who are present in the room. If you make any charges against the other person, I will expect you to repeat your statement when we come back together so that the other person can respond to it. Next, avoid speculating on another person’s motives. Scripture teaches us that only God can see into another’s heart. If you have a concern about a person’s motive, ask. Don’t assume. Finally, anyone can request a break at any time. However, please refrain from disruptive departures, which are another form of interrupting. If you need a break, just ask me if we can adjourn for a little while. The restrooms are located _________, and there is a phone available _______. Would either of you like to suggest additional ground rules? [Pause and respond if necessary.] Do you both agree to follow these ground rules? [Look at each party until you have verbal acknowledgment.] Great! I commend you both. You have now reached a second agreement in this process. You made your first agreement when we planned to come together here, and now you have agreed on the ground rules. Hopefully, these initial agreements will lead to agreements on the issues that brought us together today. You may see me take notes. These are to help me listen and refer back to you later in the mediation. These are my personal notes will not be shared with anyone else. Do you have any questions? Let’s take a moment to look at God’s Word and ask his blessing on our meeting together. [Plan a brief devotion that includes a reading from Scripture and a prayer. But be careful—DO NOT PREACH!]
44 6. Opening Statements of the Parties Opening statements give the parties an opportunity to explain what they believe needs to be accomplished to resolve their differences. These statements will also give insights to the reconcilers about the present attitudes and feelings of the parties. Opening statements should be brief (no more than two or three minutes). Ask the parties to answer this question in two or three sentences, “What are your hopes and expectations for this meeting”: • “We have now finished the first part of our process, Greetings and ground rules. Next, I would like to have you each provide your opening statement. In one or two sentences, answer, “What are your hopes and expectations for today?” We will begin with __________.” • It is best for the reconciler to choose one party to go first rather than ask them who wants to go first. Generally, it is best to ask the party who will be second in story telling to go first on opening statements. Decide in advance of the mediation who you want to begin story telling. • If a party begins to tell his story and takes more time than allotted, gently stop him and remind him that he will have plenty of time to tell his story. Redirect for one or two sentences in answering your question. As you listen, you should note whether the parties are focused on their own responsibilities or the other party’s actions. Also pay attention to whether they are primarily concerned with substantive issues or personal issues. It is generally best for the reconciler not to ask questions or encourage opening statements to go beyond a couple of sentences. You want to move quickly to the story telling phase. Be careful with your notes and case file! Never leave them unattended. Leave the top sheet of your notepad blank (to protect what you are writing). Transition statements for each agenda section can be found on the Mediator’s Checklist.
45 7. Story Telling Words play a key role in almost every conflict. When used properly, words promote understanding and encourage agreement and bring about healing. When misused, they usually aggravate offenses and drive people further apart. Transition after the opening statement: • “We are now moving into the story-telling phase. Our goal is to gather and clarify information so that everyone can better understand what has happened and what can be done to resolve this matter. Note that story telling is also for story listening. As you hear each other’s story, listen to understand the other person. Remember the ground rule to not interrupt. We will begin with _________ [choose who begins].” As the reconciler, you are responsible for facilitating communication and understanding between the parties to give them both the feeling that have been able to describe certain events. • Draw out and clarify facts and feelings that are especially important for both sides to understand. • Generally, allow the “initiating party” to go first. Reassure the other party that he or she will be allowed to tell his side of the story in just a few minutes. • For long, involved stories cover the story telling in phases (alternating between the parties to give them both the feeling that they have been able to describe certain events). • With tense relationships, ask parties initially to address the mediator. • When appropriate, allow a witness or advisor to add information. However, guard against non-parties speaking where the parties should speak for themselves. • When individuals speak in broad generalities, ask for specific examples. • During the story telling phase, take careful notes. Communication skills Good communication skills are crucial for you as a reconciler. You set the example that will set a tone for the others to follow. Speak only to build others up • If you want to be an effective peacemaker, make a conscious effort to avoid reckless words, falsehood (hearsay, speculation, exaggeration, partial truths), gossip, slander, and other forms of worthless talk. God’s standard for our speech is very high:
46 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29). • Demonstrate a gentle approach that your parties can imitate. • Talk to people rather than about them. • Speak well about others. Be quick to listen A crucial element of effective communication is the ability to listen carefully. Probably because this is not a skill that comes naturally to most of us, James gives this warning: Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God (James 1:19-20). Active listening requires more than just simply being quiet while another speaks. • Waiting (Proverbs 18:13): o Try not to jump to premature conclusions. o Discipline yourself not to interrupt others while they are speaking. o Learn to be comfortable with silence. o Do not offer solutions to every problem others bring to you. • Attending (concentrate on others): o Give others your full attention; consider their thoughts and feelings. o When others are speaking, avoid rehearsing your response. o Maintain eye contact5 and show interest by body language (lean forward). • Clarifying: o “Are you saying…?” o “Tell me more about…” o “Can you give me an example?” o “I’m confused about…” • Reflecting: When you reflect, you state your understanding of the content of what was said and the feelings conveyed by the speaker. Note: reflecting does not require that you agree with the speaker. For example: o “You believe I didn’t take time to hear you out.” o “The way you see it, then, is…” o “You must really care about this project.” 5 Be sensitive to cultures where direct eye contact may be offensive. This is often true in native communities. Adjust your body language to respect the culture. Active listening requires more than just simply being quiet while another speaks.
47 • Agreeing: We can greatly increase the effectiveness of our communication by affirming what is true before going to the points of disagreement. It may be difficult to admit we are wrong on one issue, because it may seem that we are accepting responsibility for the entire problem. To avoid this conclusion: o First, ask yourself, “Is there any truth in what he is saying?” (Psalm 141:5; Proverbs 15:31). o Then, agree in very specific terms, “You are right about…I was wrong when I said…” o If you have concerns that the parties are not listening well to one another, occasionally ask one to summarize what the other said. However, maintain balance. If you do this with one party, do it with the other! Attend to the Non-Speaking Party While one party is speaking, be sure to attend to the other party by looking at him/her occasionally. This will serve several purposes: • You will observe how the non-speaking party is reacting to the story. • You will note when certain parts of a story evoke a response (anger, agreement, guilt, etc.). o During that party’s turn to speak, you can ask about what you observed. • You will note if a party is not listening well and encourage them to listen: o Use eye contact to get the other party’s attention, then look at the speaking party. This can help encourage that person to listen more carefully. o Pause the story telling at important points and ask the other party to repeat what he heard. • Just knowing that you are attending the non-speaking party will help assure him during difficult parts of the story. This may help avoid an outburst. • If you fail to pay any attention to the non-speaking party, you may lose his trust and need to address an outburst. Use care with your own communication Another communication skill that is often needed to resolve conflict is the ability to restore others gently in a clear, constructive, and persuasive manner. “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). • Choose the right time and place. Occasionally ask a party to summarize what they heard the other party say. This helps remind them to listen carefully and encourages them to reflect when listening. Private meetings are often the best place to restore, including confronting specific sin, encouraging repentance, and pronouncing God’s forgiveness.
48 • Timing is an essential ingredient of effective communication. If possible, do not discuss sensitive matters with someone who is tired, worried about other things, or in a bad mood. Likewise, give careful thought to where you will talk. Try to find a place that is private and free of distractions. • Believe the best about others until you have facts that prove otherwise. o “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). o Golden Rule: We would want others to believe the best about us. o This does not mean that we should ignore distasteful facts. • Talk in person whenever possible. • As a general rule, communication is most effective if done face-to-face rather than by telephone or in writing. Help parties plan their words In delicate situations, careful planning can make the difference between restored peace and increased hostility. Use pre-mediation coaching, homework, and private meetings to help parties prepare gracious, clear, and constructive words. In many cases, it will be wise for them to write out several things, such as: • Opening statement (which will set the tone). • The issues he/she believes need to be addressed (focus on central issues). • The words and topics that should be avoided lest one needlessly offend. • The words that describe your feelings (concerned, frustrated, etc.). • A description of the effect the problem is having on the person and others. • Suggestions and preferences you offer as solutions to the problem. • The benefits that will be produced by cooperating to find a solution. Reconcilers must remain objective Especially when confronting, try to keep remarks as objective as possible and strive not to exaggerate. Then, help the parties do the same. • Focus on facts (“You were late for work five times in the past two weeks” rather than “You are always late for work.”). • Subjective judgments often convey condescension or condemnation. Model how to use the Bible carefully It is often helpful to refer to the Bible. If this is not done with great care, however, it will alienate people rather than persuade them. Use pre-mediation coaching, homework, and private meetings to help parties prepare gracious, clear, and constructive words.
49 • Do not quote the Bible to tear others down, but only to build them up in the Lord (Ephesians 4:29). • Make sure you are using a passage for its intended purpose (i.e., understand the biblical context of the passage and use it only if consistent with that intent). • If possible, encourage them to read the passage from their own Bible and ask them, “Does this apply to your situation? If yes, how? If not, why not?” Ask for feedback as reconcilers To communicate effectively, you will need to pay careful attention to both impact and intent. That is, you should make sure that the other person has completely and accurately heard the same message that you intended to convey. Asking questions will also promote dialogue. • “I’m not sure that I have said this clearly. Would you mind telling me what you think I have said?” • “What have I said that you agree with? What do you disagree with?” • “Have I confused you?” Use similar questions for parties to answer for one another. Offer solutions and preferences If you can show a person a reasonable way out of a predicament, he or she may be more inclined to listen to you. Hope is a key ingredient in promoting repentance and change. • At the same time, try not to give the impression that you have all the answers. • Make it clear that your suggestions are only meant as a starting point, and offer to discuss any ideas the other person has. • Always point people to Christ, the source for all of our hope (Romans 15:13). Teach Parties to Use “I” statements Disputing parties often become emotional. Help them to use “I” statements to give information about themselves rather than attack the other person. A typical formula for an “I” statement is: -I feel [ ] when you [ ], because [ ]. As a result, [ ]. “I” statements identify what the other person has done that bothers you. They also explain why the issue is important to you and reduce the appearance that you are attacking the hearer.
50 8. Private Meetings A time for individual coaching A private meeting (sometimes referred to as a caucus in secular mediation) is simply a time where someone—usually the mediator—meets privately with one party outside of the presence of the other party. Private meetings may also be held by parties and their advisors (outside of the presence of the other party and the conciliator). Private meetings are primarily coaching activities. You should use these meetings to teach, evangelize, clarify information, offer encouragement, confront inappropriate behavior, explore solutions or concerns that a party may not be ready to discuss in front of the other party, and help a party to plan a confession or prepare for a confrontation (see 1 Thessalonians 5:14). Calling for and starting a private meeting When you call for a private meeting, it is generally wise to announce the meeting in a casual manner (so as not to imply that some major problem just developed). A good start to any private meeting is to ask, “How do you think it is going so far?” The party’s first response will give you insight into that party’s positions and interests. Remember: if you leave the mediation room, do not leave your notes unattended. Confidentiality When you ask for a private meeting, explain to everyone the limits on confidentiality (the general substance of what is shared in a private meeting, but not every detail, will eventually be discussed in the joint meeting). Nevertheless, remember to maintain confidentiality of a private confession. If a party confesses to you in a private meeting, you must maintain the confidentiality of that confession unless you have specific permission to share it with others (except for certain legal requirements regarding sexual misconduct involving children, as required by various state laws). In most cases, it is much better to have the confessing party share his own confession with the other party rather than the reconciler, even if you have permission to do so. Begin a private meeting with: “How do you think things are going so far?” And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. 1 Thessalonians 5:14
51 Additional guidelines for private meetings • Keep private meetings as short as possible. Balance your use of them with all parties. (Even if you think there is no need to meet with the other party, plan to meet with him to ask how their experience in the mediation is going.) • If something major comes up in a private meeting, and it requires more time, pause to excuse the other party or keep them informed briefly so that they are not left unattended for long periods of time wondering what’s happening. • When meeting with one party, give a specific assignment to the other party. This will help prepare them for the next session and give them something productive to do. Often, reconcilers find that a short assignment for one party while meeting with another becomes the key turning point in the mediation. • Co-reconcilers should normally meet together with the party (do not “split up” with the parties). • During a private meeting, focus on the party who is present, not on the absent party, and have a specific purpose. You may want to ask the party to clarify issues, concerns, or positions. You may benefit from using “if-then” statements (“If Bill would…, then would you consider…?”). • One more thought on confession: remember to proclaim God’s grace through forgiveness. Consider using the pamphlet Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness or read appropriate Scriptures of the Gospel. But do not miss the opportunity to proclaim Gospel when you hear a confession. • In addition to announcing God’s grace, one of the most important things you can do in a private meeting is to pray with the parties. On idols of the heart During the mediation or in a private meeting, the party may say things that will reveal his heart and underlying attitude. A private meeting provides your greatest opportunity to uncover idols. You may need to help the party to identify idols of the heart that are affecting how he or she is responding to this conflict. You might begin by asking the party to read James 4:1-3 and review some of the themes from chapter 2 of Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? or Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation. Explain to the parties that idols are often good things that we want too much. Such idols often come from desires that turn into intense cravings. Ask questions from the front side of the “Conflict Coaching Summary Guide” for uncovering idols. Chose a Scripture verse from the back side of the Guide. Ask the party to read the verse and then answer, “How does this verse apply to this situation? Assign homework to the other party when meeting privately with another.
52 Use the diagrams for “The Development of an Idol” from the Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness pamphlet. Don’t forget to proclaim the Gospel as the person repents! Idol questions: • Improper desires for physical pleasure • Pride and arrogance • Love of money or material possessions • Fear of man • Good things that I want too much Scripture passages for Identity, Fear, Cravings, Misplaced Trust, Careless Talk, Love Others, Authority, Anger, Suffering, Bitterness, Confession, and Forgiveness
53 9. Problem Identification and Clarification Conflict of any kind necessarily involves people with different positions. To serve effectively as a reconciler, you need to distinguish between issues, positions, and interests. One of the most important things you will do as a peacemaker is to help parties understand interests to reach a mutually agreeable solution. Definitions • Issue: An identifiable and concrete question that must be addressed in order to reach an agreement. Issues tend to be tangible and measurable. • Position: A desired outcome or a definable perspective on an issue. Positions tend to be mutually exclusive and incompatible. • Interest: The motivations that underlie a position. Interests may reflect beliefs, values, concerns, desires, needs, or limitations. Interests may be concrete or abstract. Interests are more easily dovetailed than positions. If interests are understood, a solution is more likely to be found. Working through issues In problem identification and clarification, the reconciler takes an active lead in summarizing main points relating to issues, assisting the parties to sift out the important issues, and guiding parties to negotiate substantive issues and reconcile personal issues. Helping parties identify and clarify issues involves these steps: • Clarify all the issues that both parties want addressed, rephrasing them in the form of questions to be answered in the mediation. • Separate personal issues from substantive (or material) issues. • Choose an issue to help parties understand interests. • Help to identify or clarify each party’s interests on that one issue. • Identify and note areas of agreement in the interests. Following this last point, you are ready to search for creative solutions on the issue you have worked through using this process. Upon reaching agreement on one issue, you can then return to the list of issues and repeat the process as necessary to address the remaining issues. What the conflict is about Where the parties stand on an issue Why the parties take that position
54 In most cases, you will find that after working through one or two issues in this manner, other issues will be resolved much more quickly as parties build trust and learn to search for solutions that meet both sides’ interests. In some situations, once personal relationship issues have been reconciled through confession and forgiveness, you will find that parties will immediately begin to offer each other solutions that address issues without going through this process. Clarify all the issues During the problem identification and clarification phase, you will help to refocus the parties on the issues that were initially presented. You will also help them to identify additional issues or sub-issues that have been revealed through story telling. This phase helps the parties to set a concrete agenda for exploring solutions that lead to agreement. If the list of issues becomes long and you sense that the parties are discouraged by the length of the list, encourage them by saying that as some issues are addressed others will be much more easily resolved. Indicate that if some but not all issues reach resolution, then those that are resolved will be included in their written agreement and those not yet resolved will be listed in the agreement for further work. As you discuss the issues with the parties, rephrase the issues in the form of an open-ended question that does not favor one party over the other. Include both parties in the solutions (“How can we…”). For example: • If one party says that an issue is payment for services rendered, you could rephrase it as, “How can we address any appropriate financial amounts owed for services rendered?” • If one party wants to be re-employed after termination, you could rephrase the issue as, “How can we address the issue of re-employment of _____?” • If relationship is an issue (it is in most conflicts), use something like, “How can we build our personal relationship with each other?” • If parties have gossiped about one another, you could say, “How can we address our past sinful talk to other people?” or “How can we properly communicate with others how we have addressed our conflict?” • If restitution is required that may involve payments: “How can we establish a repayment plan that is fair and reasonable for all concerned?” • For personal sin issues: “How can we deal with the way we have sinned against each other in this dispute?” When phrasing issues during mediation, begin each one with “How can we…?”
55 Separate personal issues from substantive (or material) issues Once you have identified several issues, it is helpful to separate them into two different categories. Personal issues deal with relationship and sin (offense) issues, and often require addressing through confession and forgiveness. Substantive (or material) issues usually deal with physical matters or rights such as property, contracts, money, employment, etc. Sin issues are not negotiated but reconciled, whereas substantive issues are typically negotiated to reach resolution. When working through issues, you may need to move back and forth between personal issues and substantive issues. Reconciling personal issues will build trust for working on substantive issues. In cases where parties are focused on one or two major substantive issues, addressing those issues will help them relax and concentrate more on personal issues. Choose an issue to help parties understand interests You will find it helpful to deal with one issue at a time, sometimes personal and sometimes substantive. You may begin with an easy one, or the parties may be ready to deal with one of the more challenging issues. Once the issues are clearly identified, help the parties recognize and clarify each party’s interests. Continue to encourage the parties to “look also to the interests of others” during this phase. You might begin by reading Philippians 2:3-4. Although you will be paying attention to issues, positions, and interests throughout the entire mediation, your focus on interests will be particularly important during the problem identification and clarification stage. Help identify or clarify each party’s interests In conflicts, emotions often rise as the field of view becomes focused on positions. People can become rigid in their positions. As a biblical peacemaker, one of your jobs is to help people to back off from their positions and become more reasonable and flexible. You can do this by helping them to focus on interests. Choose an issue, either personal or substantive. Using the form “Separating Issues, Positions, and Interests” (either as a handout or on the flipchart), describe the differences between issues, positions, and interests. Write out the issue at the top and fill in the position of each party. Sin issues are not negotiated but reconciled. Substantive issues are negotiated to reach resolution.
56 Beginning with one party, ask for his or her underlying interests. Explain that these are the underlying reasons that led him to take his position. This may include motivations, beliefs, values, expectations, personal desires, and more. In other words, describe why that position is important. Separating Issues, Positions, and Interests 1. Identify an issue (in the form of a question that can be answered by either party): 2. Identify two positions on the issue: Party A Party B 3. Identify the interests that underlie the positions, noting those that are unique to one party and those that are common to both parties: Interests of Party A Common Interests Interests of Party B What the conflict is about Where the parties stand on an issue Why the parties take that position
57 Encourage both parties to identify as many interests as possible. You may suggest some that you observed through coaching or story telling. Identify and note areas of agreement Once you have listed several interests, help them see where the parties’ underlying interests overlap to begin leading them towards agreement. Identify interests that are common or similar. The goal is to find solutions that meet as many of their separate and shared interests as possible. This prepares the parties for the next phase—explore solutions.
58 10. Explore Solutions One of the most important skills during the exploring solutions phase is helping the parties to see the situation as the other side sees it (Philippians 2:1-11). Helping the parties to understand one another empathetically will go a long way towards encouraging reconciliation and mutually agreeable solutions. Thus, your ability to help the parties with problem identification and clarification will greatly enhance your success for exploring solutions and leading to agreement. Just as in the problem identification and clarification phase, you may need to work back and forth between personal and substantive issues in exploring solutions. Personal issues and responsibilities During the exploring solutions phase of the mediation, one of your goals is to help the parties pursue personal reconciliation by confessing their sins and forgiving one another. It is often helpful to remind them of how much they have been forgiven in Christ when you are encouraging them to forgive one another. You also have the goal of helping them to resolve material issues by accepting responsibility for the consequences of their actions and by thinking creatively in order to generate options, evaluate them objectively, and select solutions that meet everyone’s legitimate interests. Sin issues Sin issues should never be negotiated. Instead, bring God’s Law and Grace to bear on the sinful attitudes and actions that lie at the heart of destructive conflict. This requires the careful application of the biblical principles of repentance, confession, confrontation, forgiveness, and restitution. Throughout this process, it is important to remember that only God can change a person’s heart. Substantive (material) issues As you help the parties to explore solutions to substantive issues, you should be mindful of the underlying interests that may be keys to unlocking acceptable options. Encourage parties to think up a wide range of possible solutions that advance shared interests and creatively reconcile differing interests. Often, a party will focus on only one, narrow solution. Your job is to help the parties to think creatively and discover options for mutual satisfaction and gain. Encourage parties to generate many options first before they evaluate any one option.
59 Encourage them to think of as many possible options as they can. After developing the list, guide them to evaluate using objective criteria. Private meetings may be helpful for reality testing and coaching on “counting the cost” associated with any solution. Brainstorming Brainstorming is a specific and powerful means that may be appropriate in developing solutions for substantive/material issues—but it is not appropriate for all mediations. It is helpful to use a flipchart during brainstorming. Begin by explaining the rules for effective brainstorming: Four rules for brainstorming: • Be wild (i.e., enthusiastically creative; “think outside the box”). • Focus on quantity, not quality. • No judging or evaluating. • “Hitchhiking” encouraged (mix and combine options creatively). Next, set a time limit and encourage parties to actively participate. Often, one of the best solutions is suggested following a period of silence after active participation. Appoint a scribe to write down the ideas on a flip chart so everyone can see them. When you reach the time limit, you should have a long list of ideas to evaluate. Encourage reasonable assessment of the ideas, urging all parties to participate. Begin by marking the ideas in three ways (the visual use of a flip chart enhances this exercise): • For impossible ideas: cross out • For ideas with potential: mark with a check ü • For outstanding ideas: circle As you work through the options, parties may begin talking with each other. If so, this is a good time for the mediator to step back and allow the negotiations to take place. The mediator may jump in if needed to guide the discussion. Often the parties begin to formulate agreements. That’s when you naturally move into lead to agreement.
60 11. Lead to Agreement As you lead the parties to agreement, the goal is that the parties would be reconciled and would arrive at an agreement that settles the substantive issues. Agreement may be made orally—especially in an informal setting—but it is often wise to encourage a written memorandum of the agreement. In so doing, you will minimize the risk of miscommunications and “buyer’s remorse.” A “Memorandum of Agreement” should always seek to RESTORE: • Reference to Scripture citations and biblical principles. • Evidence of reconciliation and agreement. • Specific description. • Time frame for completing agreed upon responsibilities. • Outline of process for resolving undecided issues. • Review with attorneys or acknowledge opportunity to do so. • Enforcement through a conciliation clause. Address all the issues Always deal with the tough issue that is left to the end. It is tempting to overlook an issue that may undermine a carefully crafted agreement, but do not give in to the temptation! Address all the issues. If all the issues are not resolved during this meeting, then list the unresolved issues in the agreement and establish a process for resolving them. For example, you may schedule a follow-up mediation on a specific date or refer them to someone who can help them. In some cases, the parties may have experienced enough reconciliation to resolve them on their own. Whatever the situation, put it in the agreement! See the sample agreement form and example of a completed agreement on the next two pages. Since the agreement belongs to the parties, only parties sign the agreement. The reconcilers are not parties to the agreement. However, upon parties’ request, reconcilers may sign as witnesses. A “Memorandum of Agreement” may also be referred to as a “Settlement Agreement.”
61 Sample Memorandum of Agreement Form We, the undersigned parties, have used mediation to resolve a dispute. On [date], we reached the following Settlement Agreement, which is a complete and final settlement of this dispute. [Substance of agreement, applying the components of RESTORE] We acknowledge that the only role the reconcilers have played in the preparation of this Agreement has been to transcribe our own agreement into writing. We agree that everything said and written during the mediation process will remain confidential, unless stated otherwise in this Agreement or in our original Mediation Agreement. We further agree as follows: 1. Any dispute arising from the implementation of this Agreement shall be settled by mediation and, if necessary, legally binding arbitration, in accordance with The Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute for Christian Conciliation (available at www.AoRHope.org.org); judgment upon an arbitration award may be entered in any court otherwise having jurisdiction. ____Yes ____No 2. We intend that this Agreement will be legally enforceable and admissible as evidence in any judicial or administrative proceeding that is directly related to this dispute. ____Yes ____No If any documents are needed to close or dismiss a pending legal action related to this dispute, they will be drafted and filed by [name of attorney], attorney for [name of party whose attorney will draft and file the documents]. Before signing this agreement, you are advised to have it reviewed by your own independent legal counsel. Signed_________________________________________ Date_______________ Signed_________________________________________ Date_______________ Signed_________________________________________ Date_______________ Signed_________________________________________ Date_______________
62 Example Memorandum of Agreement We, the undersigned parties, have used a formal reconciliation meeting to resolve a dispute. On January 10, 20xx, we reached the following Agreement, which is a complete and final settlement on this dispute. We opened with Colossians 3:1-17 and asked for God’s guidance and presence in our negotiations. We worked together, confronting each other in love with gentleness and patience. We reconciled with each other, confessing our sins to God and one another, bearing with each other and forgiving grievances we had against one another. We also reassured each other of God’s forgiveness in Christ. In light of Philippians 2:14 and Ephesians 4:29, where we have talked to others about each other and about each other’s organizations in uncomplimentary ways, we promise to go back to those individuals and speak well of each other, defending each other’s character and celebrating together our God-honoring resolution. In light of Philippians 2:1-4 and in celebration of our reconciliation, we agree to the final settlement of all financial issues as follows: 1. Party A pledges a donation of $9,809.54 to First Church, which will be paid by December 31 of this year. 2. Party B will pay gifts totaling $9,809.54 to three other Christian ministries by April 30 of this year. The list of three ministries will be approved by Party A. Donations will be accompanied by a letter drafted by President of Party B and approved by President of Party A. The letter will briefly describe that this gift is a celebration gift of our two organization’s reconciliation and part of our settlement agreement with each other. Party B will provide copies of all donation receipts to Party A for their files. Apart from the explicit terms of this agreement, President of Party B agrees as a separate matter to speak to the entire office staff about the manner and circumstances surrounding the treatment the President of Party A received from Party B’s staff, which the President of Party B now judges to be harmful and detrimental to Party A. We acknowledge that the only role the reconciler has played in the preparation of this Memorandum of Agreement has been to transcribe our own agreement into writing. We agree that everything said and written during the mediation process will remain confidential, unless stated otherwise in this Agreement or in the ICC Rules of Procedure referenced in our mediation agreement. We decline any need to speak with an attorney before signing this agreement. We further agree that if any difficulties arise from the implementation or interpretation of this Agreement, we shall seek the assistance of the reconciler. Signed: Party A Party B Reference to Scripture verses Evidence of reconciliation Specific descriptions of agreements Time frames identified Outline for completing unresolved issues Review with attorneys Enforcement thru conciliation clause
63 12. Post Mediation As you rejoice in what the Lord has accomplished through the conciliation and prepare to move forward in his grace, initiate the following post-mediation steps as appropriate: • Encourage a celebration (e.g., shared meal). • Ask parties to complete an evaluation of conciliators and the process. • Checkup with the parties. • Assist the parties to finetune the agreement. • Provide enforcement if the agreement is not being kept (e.g., exhortation by conciliator, church accountability). Not all mediations end in reconciliation or conflict resolution. Parties may feel very discouraged or even distraught. You will likely also feel discouraged about such an outcome. Be prepared to encourage the parties when things don’t end well. You may need to admonish one or more parties who are unrepentant. But use care that in your own tiredness you don’t crush the parties. Always give hope. Moving from mediation to adjudication Parties may agree to submit their unresolved substantive issues to adjudication (also referred to as arbitration). In some cases, a mediation agreement may include a provision for adjudication if mediation is unsuccessful. This process is called a mediation/arbitration or simply med/arb. A mediation/arbitration agreement is best described as an arbitration with a mediation placed on the front end of it. Moving from mediation to adjudication requires specific skills and legal requirements and should not be done by those unfamiliar with it. Thus, all the cautions regarding administering or serving as an adjudicator also apply to mediation/arbitration cases. Ambassadors of Reconciliation offers adjudication services as well as training in adjudication. Training in adjudication will not only prepare you for such an opportunity. It will also make you a better mediator. Should you encounter a situation where adjudication is necessary before you are equipped to handle it, contact Ambassadors of Reconciliation for help. Ambassadors of Reconciliation 844/447-2671 www.aorhope.org Enforcement thru conciliation clause
64 13. Reconciler Reports On certain occasions, the reconciler may provide a report to the parties, to the leaders of the parties’ churches, or to others. However, such reports must clearly follow the requirements of the mediation agreement and the applicable Rules of Procedure. • Report to the Parties: When parties do not settle their disputes in mediation, the reconciler may provide a final report for the parties. Such a report should briefly describe what the reconciler did, how the parties responded, what issues were identified, what agreements were reached (if any, especially those agreements set forth in writing), and what issues remain unsettled. The report may also include encouragement or exhortation from the reconciler for pursuing reconciliation. • Report to Leaders of the Parties’ Churches: Reconcilers shall maintain all confidences required in the ICC Rules of Procedure (see Rules 16 and 17). Nevertheless, it may be appropriate under these rules to report the outcome of an unproductive mediation to the leaders of the parties’ churches, provided that parties signed a mediation agreement incorporating the rules, and provided that the reconciler meets all the provisions required in the rules to make such a report. However, if such a report is made, it should be written without disclosing the confidences protected in the rules. The report should clearly cite the rules that make provision for such a report. In addition, a copy of the report should be given to the parties. • Report to Others: In certain cases, the mediation agreement may include a provision for a report to be made to others who have an interest in the case, such as a court judge who ordered the mediation or an employer who required staff members to mediate. In such cases, the reconciler prepares the report, noting carefully what precisely should be reported by the agreement and being prudent not to disclose any confidential information described under the applicable rules (e.g., ICC Rules of Procedure 16 and 17). • Those Who Should Not Receive a Report: The reconciler must not report to anyone who is not specifically authorized to receive such a report under the mediation agreement or the applicable rules.
65 14. Complex Cases and Special Circumstances Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong (1 Corinthians 16:13). Note that complex cases and special circumstances require expertise and experience. For example, consider the special needs for the following situations (this is not an exhaustive list): • Sexual misconduct of any leader • Physical abuse of children • Domestic abuse • Substance abuse and use (such as prescription medication that can affect people’s responses) • Mental illness or injury • Inappropriate touch of children • Allegations of criminal misconduct (e.g., embezzlement; personal injury; murder) • Sinful use of equipment (computers, internet, cell phones) • Accusations that could lead to termination of employment • Criminal acts by a leader in an organization An specialized area requiring advanced training and experience includes working with conflicted groups (such as congregations or institutions). Working with conflicted groups is the most complex type of mediation a reconciler may encounter. Note that special training and experience are crucial for working in such cases. Seek Professional Assistance When you become aware that a mediation case requires training or professional expertise for which you are not prepared, seek out professionals who can assist you. In some cases, a professional advisor may be sufficient. In others, you may want to involve one or more professionals on a mediation team. Perhaps you need to refer the case to someone who specializes in certain types of cases. Be aware of your own limitations. A professional mediator knows when a situation calls for experience or expertise beyond his limits. No one can be an expert in all situations. Ambassadors of Reconciliation has a wide network of professionals available to assist in difficult cases.
66 Advanced Training and References This course does not equip you for cases that require advanced training or professional help, but it does serve as a prerequisite for additional training. Ambassadors of Reconciliation offers advanced training courses including: • Reconciling Husbands and Wives • Advanced Coaching and Mediation • Group Reconciliation Assistance: Serving as Team Members • Group Reconciliation Assistance: Served as a Team Leader • Adjudication Training For advanced training and seeking professional help, contact us: Ambassadors of Reconciliation 844/447-2671 www.aorhope.org
67 15. Cultivating Lifestyles of Reconciliation All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:18-21). Christ’s ambassadors Every church should equip its members for biblical peacemaking in everyday life. The church can actively enhance its ministry of reconciliation through establishing a reconciliation ministry. The following is information that you, as a church leader, can use to help encourage your church to better equip her members for living, proclaiming, and cultivating lifestyles of reconciliation. The ministry of reconciliation We serve as Christ’s ambassadors as we live, proclaim, and cultivate lifestyles of reconciliation. Some ways in which leaders accomplish this ministry in their church include: • Preaching—in sermons and devotions. • Teaching—in small group Bible studies, Sunday School, and other settings. • Administering the Sacraments—Baptism and the Lord’s Supper. • Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness—through corporate and individual confession and forgiveness. Reconciliation ministries In addition, a church can assist its members for living, proclaiming, and cultivating lifestyles of reconciliation through its appointed reconcilers. These trained leaders serve through a Reconciliation Ministry: • Teaching biblical peacemaking—equipping Christians for lifestyles of reconciliation.
68 • Coaching—helping individuals to apply reconciliation in specific conflicts. • Mediating—helping two or more people in conflict to reconcile their relationship and resolve material issues in a conflict. • Adjudicating—deciding substantive matters through a just and fair hearing. Teaching Local church reconcilers teach biblical peacemaking in small group studies and in other settings. Throughout the year, reconcilers lead Bible studies, devotions, and other presentations on different reconciliation topics for daily life. They make recommendations for improving the church’s organization and culture in stewarding conflict. Members can participate in one of the scheduled studies or invite a reconciler to make brief presentations on peacemaking to their group. Coaching When a member experiences conflict at home, the workplace, the neighborhood, the extended family, or even in church, he or she may want some help in understanding how to respond to the conflict in a God-pleasing manner. Such disputes may range from personal squabbles to major matters involving legal issues. The local church’s reconcilers can coach people by listening to their concerns, helping them assess the opportunities available, and guiding them through God’s Word (Colossians 3:14-17; 2 Timothy 2:24-26; Galatians 6:1-2). They not only coach people in resolving conflict, but also in reconciling relationships. At times, they may refer people to other professionals for specialized help (such as attorneys or counselors). As coaches, reconcilers will not solve their members’ conflicts for them. Instead, reconcilers serve as guides to encourage people to “go and be reconciled” (Matthew 5:24). Mediating When two or more people are unable to resolve conflict on their own, Jesus teaches us to “bring one or two others along” to assist as witnesses (Matthew 18:15-16). Reconcilers serve as witnesses to Christ when they mediate between parties. Using a process to facilitate godly discussion, they coach all parties to apply God’s Word to the conflict. As mediators, reconcilers do not make decisions for the parties but guide them in reaching biblically faithful solutions. They help negotiate material issues, and they encourage people to reconcile through confession and forgiveness. Throughout the process, they proclaim Christ and His ministry of reconciliation. Command and teach these things. 1 Timothy 4:11 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Colossians 3:16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. Matthew 18:16
69 Adjudicating (also called arbitrating) In some churches, one or more reconcilers may be equipped to adjudicate cases for people. In such cases, parties submit disputes to the adjudicator and agree to be bound by his/her decision on the matter (1 Corinthians 6:1-8). Unlike mediation, adjudicators serve as private judges, making decisions on behalf of the parties. As adjudicator, the reconciler cannot make decisions on relationship issues such as confession, forgiveness, or love. He/she is limited to making decisions only on material issues. Adjudication is most appropriate for matters where relationship issues are not involved or where mediation cannot resolve the matter. Instead of Christians suing one another, which can result in damaged relationships and a poor witness to faith in Christ, adjudication provides a private, God-honoring alternative for Christians seeking just decisions using fellow believers. Reconciler appointment and training Appointed by a church’s leadership, reconcilers are chosen because of the peacemaking gifts that others recognize in them. They are respected as people of faith who regularly study God’s Word and exhibit peacemaking gifts (such as humility, gentleness, self-control, Christ-centered counsel). They are known for practicing biblical peacemaking in their own lives, confessing their own sins, forgiving others, restoring people gently, and encouraging others to make peace. Upon appointment, reconcilers receive special training to serve others in peacemaking through teaching, one-on-one coaching, mediation, and in some cases, adjudication. They study written materials and attend several training course from Ambassadors of Reconciliation™ to equip them for this work. They commit themselves to continuing education. Reconcilers follow the Rules of Procedure of the Institute for Christian Conciliation, (available at https://www.aorhope.org/rules) or other applicable rules. The rules guide reconcilers and the people they serve according to well-defined processes that are biblically based and appropriate for all types of conflicts, including business and legal disputes. For more information . . . Learn more about the ministry of reconciliation from Ambassadors of Reconciliation at www.aorhope.org. Under resources, order Cultivating Lifestyles of Reconciliation: Introducing Leaders to Reconciliation Ministry (by Ted Kober and Ken Sande, Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2009). When one of you has a grievance against another, does he dare to go law before the unrighteous instead of the saints? … [A]re you incompetent to try trivial cases? 1 Corinthians 6:1-2
70 Equipping the church for reconciliation ministries Several resources are available for establishing a church’s reconciliation ministry and equipping specially appointed reconcilers. Seminars and practicums equip all God’s people for serving Christ through their daily conflicts, and they often help to reactivate semi-active members. In addition, they provide opportunities to serve people in the surrounding community. Bible studies on reconciliation (offer regularly) The church’s current Bible study leaders can teach one or more Bible studies on biblical reconciliation. Ambassadors of Reconciliation offers specific studies for this purpose. Bible study seminars (super kick-off event) Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation The church can sponsor a full-day Bible study seminar, presented by a Christian Reconciler from Ambassadors of Reconciliation. Each participant learns practical ways to apply biblical peacemaking in daily life through study of the Scriptures and contemporary stories. The seminars encourage personal peacemaking in individuals’ lives and builds support for a congregation’s reconciliation ministry. This seminar often attracts people who usually don’t attend Bible study, and it can serve as a great outreach tool to the community. Coaching People through Conflict Practicum (schedule about 6-8 months after a seminar) This two-day live training event (with advance preparation homework) teaches Christians how to use Scripture’s basic peacemaking principles in coaching others through their conflicts. Through demonstration and personal role playing, participants practice the skills taught. Since most of us give advice to friends and families, anyone can benefit from this training. The Coaching People through Conflict Practicum is required for preparing a church’s reconcilers. A personal exercise on proclaiming God’s forgiveness to a confessing partner proves to be a life changing experience for many.
71 Mediating People to Reconcile Practicum (schedule about 6-8 months after a Coaching Practicum) This intense two-day practicum (with advance preparation homework) equips believers for mediating two or more disputing parties using biblical processes. Following demonstrations, the participants practice skills in short and longer exercises to help reinforce the training. Necessary for a church’s reconcilers, others will benefit from the training including pastors, principals, administrators, employers, managers, and more. People will often travel several hours to attend this practicum, so a sponsoring church can use this to serve its own community and beyond. Learning how to apply confession and forgiveness in mediation is a unique feature that sets this training apart from other professional mediation training. Adjudication Training This three-day practicum equips reconcilers for adjudicating disputes between parties, applying Christian conciliation Rules of Procedure. The trainers demonstrate sections of an adjudication hearing, and then participants practice. After learning the basics, the participants adjudicate a case, including writing a decision. This course can also be used to serve a community. Church Reconciler Training Course This intense week-long course is offered by Ambassadors of Reconciliation and can be sponsored by groups (such as churches or regions). Church Reconciler Training incorporates personal peacemaking, conflict coaching, and mediation. In addition, attention is given to teaching and establishing a reconciliation ministry within each participant’s congregation or ministry setting. By the end of the course, each participant develops a one-year plan for establishing a reconciliation ministry.
72 16. Case Studies Instructions for Role Plays Our experience has shown that actual case histories provide a more realistic experience for training than hypothetical situations. Thus, many of the details for the case studies have been drawn from actual cases. As you prepare for and actually work through the case studies, consider what preparation worked well for you and what you would do differently in order to improve your preparation on future cases. Please carefully follow these instructions for the case studies and role plays. Confidentiality Although the cases are drawn from actual cases, the names and other identifying details have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties. Often, the details from several cases have been combined and many details are omitted. Any names or places in these case studies that resemble the names of actual individuals or places are coincidental. Please do not associate these case histories with people or organizations that you personally know. It is possible that people who have some knowledge of the original cases may recognize the similar fact pattern and confuse the original facts with the changed facts for the role plays. To further guard the integrity of the Christian reconciliation process, please do not discuss the details of the case studies (such as contracts, letters, etc.) or use the information from these role plays outside of the course. Case Forms Note how the forms are used in the case studies. Part of the training in this course includes learning how to utilize basic forms for administering mediation cases. Case forms are important in providing professional services for mediation. You’ll find several forms in Appendix A of this manual. When you sign up as a Christian Reconciler™ with Ambassadors of Reconciliation, you will have access to a wide array of case forms which continue to be updated. Click on Reconciler Menu at www.aorhope.org. Ask your instructor how you can become a Christian Reconciler™ and access current case forms.
73 Rules for the Role Plays • Listen carefully and follow all instructions. • Do not disclose any secret facts to your role play partner(s), except as appropriate to the role play. • Do “get into” the role you are assigned and stay in role during the entire designated time. • Do not change your gender for the role. If you are female, play the role as a woman or girl. If you are male, play the role as a man or boy. • It is appropriate to embellish your role to add motivation, surrounding circumstances, reasons, values, opinions, etc. • Make up any facts necessary to enhance your role or position, but avoid killer facts (i.e., facts that shut down the role play). It is easiest to use background from your own life to add facts (such as family situations or professional backgrounds) unless provided otherwise in case facts. • When your role play is finished, please do not disclose to others your fact pattern or results until instructed otherwise. • Do not discuss how you did with other workshop participants until instructed to do so by the trainers. • Focus on process: Remember, the facts in these role plays are unique and will differ from the real-life situations you may reconcile on your own after you leave the training. • Throughout the entire role play, progress through the role play in real time. Do not skip any steps in the process or abbreviate any sections of the role play unless specifically instructed to do so. Role playing cases in real time is more important than finishing the entire process.
74 The Two-Minute Feedback The two-minute feedback should be specific but brief. It should take place in less than two minutes. Its purpose is not to evaluate the whole role play process or each part of the process, but to identify two or three strengths and one or two weaknesses in the presentation. Through this feedback, the reconcilers will recognize their own strengths in order to build on them. In addition, the reconcilers will identify one or two areas that they can improve in. The two-minute feedback is excellent training in itself for reconcilers. Reconcilers must be able to recognize their own strengths and limitations and be open to constructive criticism from others. Reconcilers who are planning to coach others should first be able to coach themselves and receive constructive instruction from others. For the parties in the role plays, the two-minute feedback is a great exercise as well, since the parties become coaches to the reconcilers as they encourage each other through praise and constructive criticism. The reconcilers begin: For each exercise, the reconciler answers two questions: • What two or three things did I do well? • In what one area could I improve? The parties add: For each exercise, the role playing parties give feedback to the reconcilers by answering two questions: • The best thing I thought you did was… • One suggestion I have for you is…
75 Mediation Training Case Study #1 Weber vs. St. Mark’s Basic Facts St. Mark’s Church and Leslie Weber are experiencing growing frustrations over their adjoining parking areas. Leslie owns an accounting firm that has experienced strong growth over the past decade, and her/his limited parking area barely provides enough room for her/his employees and customers. During tax season (January 15 through April 15), her/his customers often have trouble finding places to park. St. Mark’s has also grown over the last two decades, increasing its parking needs. The church has a parking lot behind the church across the alley, but it does not have sufficient parking for Saturday night and Sunday morning services. However, on Sundays the public high school across the street allows St. Mark’s to use its parking lot. During the week, high school students have often parked in St. Mark’s and Weber’s lots, causing strife. As a result, both St. Mark’s and Weber’s posted signs in their lots warning parking violators that they will be towed. St. Mark’s has been at this location for 75 years, and Weber has been operating in this building for 38 years. Originally, Weber was a member of St. Mark’s until thirty years ago, but transferred to another church after some unresolved issues between the pastor and Weber’s son who was in youth group. Nevertheless, it was not unusual for Weber’s customers and employees to use some of the adjoining church’s parking spaces during tax season, and the church members often used Weber’s parking spaces on Saturday evenings and Sundays. For many years, no one ever talked about this practice—it seemed acceptable to both. However, in recent years when the church has a funeral or large meeting on weekdays, parking is scarce and some people park in Weber’s lots. Conversely, during tax season, some of Weber’s clients park in the adjoining church spaces. Patience has grown thin. Stress between the church and Weber mounted as increased incidents took place. Two years ago, the church employed a new administrator, Robin Streeter, who hates confrontation but is committed to protecting church rights. One of Weber’s oldest clients parked in a church space one day, and Streeter did not recognize the car as one of Weber’s employees. Streeter had the car towed, thinking it was a high school student’s car. Weber lost her/his temper, screaming at the church secretary (Streeter had left for the rest of the day) and demanding that her/his client be reimbursed. The $75.00 toll was not reimbursed until six month’s later, after Weber made repeated phone calls and sent numerous statements.
76 In response, Weber installed a 4’ high chain link fence between the properties, which made it difficult for cars to park in the church spaces since there is little room between the parking spaces and the fence. One day someone at the church backed into Weber’s fence, bending over three posts, damaging the top rail, and stretching the chain link fabric. Weber stewed about it for a week, but no one from the church called to apologize or offer to repair. Finally, Weber stormed into the church office and yelled at church secretaries and the senior pastor, leaving the church a repair estimate for $1,500.00. No one from the church apologized or admitting anything. Everyone was so shocked from the yelling that they said very little. Weber demanded to talk to the church administrator, but Streeter stayed in her/his office behind closed doors on the phone the entire time Weber was in the office (about 45 minutes). Robin Streeter refused to pay the bill, but never called or wrote to Weber. After three months of no communication from the church, Weber had his attorney send a letter demanding payment. Leslie Weber serves as the treasurer for his church, and (s)he was complaining about the situation to her/his pastor. Her/his pastor suggested that Leslie and Robin ask you for assistance. After initial coaching with each, you recommended mediation. Parking spaces High School Parking Lot St. Mark’s Church Weber and Associates Weber’s new fence First Avenue South Main Street Driveways Alley
77 Mediation Training Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC Case Administrator’s Notes I have worked with Lyn Benson and Sam Thomas for nine months in scheduling this mediation. The contract between Benson and Shelter of Hope for Women and Children (SHWC), represented by Sam Thomas, includes a conciliation clause, and Benson submitted the case to our congregation for mediation in January of this year. Sam Thomas is a member of our church, but Lyn Benson is a Christian from out-of-state and not currently a member of a church. Basically, Benson provided consulting services for SHWC in their fundraising efforts. Initial appeals raised some significant funds, but later appeals turned out to be losing propositions for SHWC. Benson has provided a copy of the contract with the original party information. Benson’s position is that (s)he should be paid for the services (s)he rendered in accord with their written agreement. SHWC did make several payments to Benson from the earlier appeals but has not paid for the last several appeals or the monthly retainer that the contract required. According to Benson’s last invoice, SHWC owes $22,724.68 as of July 31. The invoice includes approximately 18 months of interest at the rate of 18% per year, according to the contract. Benson offered to write three additional appeal letters without charge to help SHWC meet its obligations to Benson. SHWC accepted and used the letters, but no payment was ever made to Benson from those appeals. Although Sam Thomas has indicated that SHWC is unable to pay its bills, Lyn has contacted the printer, the mailing service, the video production company, the telemarketing company, and other vendors who were involved in the various fundraising appeals. All of them have been paid over the last 18 months, but no additional payments have been made to Benson & Associates. Thomas’s position is that Benson’s work on the later appeals did not result in an increase in the ministry’s cash flow. Thomas points out that the later appeals cost more than was returned in contributions. Thomas says that the ministry is suffering financially and cannot afford to pay Benson for appeals that were not successful. Thomas is concerned that their faithful donors would not favor SHWC paying fees for a service that did not bring the ministry any visible return. The SHWC Board of Directors agrees with Thomas. Thomas points out that her/his fundraising costs increased from 4% per year to 17% per year while using Benson’s services. (S)he reports that SHWC received a total of $111,000 gross over the 18-month period but only netted $16,000 from those same appeals. Thomas acknowledges that Benson’s work has reactivated some old donors and provided them with some new donors, but (s)he believes that SHWC is now in worse financial shape than before they used Benson’s advice. Thomas is insistent that (s)he must do everything possible to protect Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
78 SHWC from financial disaster. (S)he has shared with me many moving stories of how (s)he and others in SHWC have reached women, children, and men with food, clothing, shelter, and the Gospel. As a former staff person with the church, Thomas indicates that (s)he has seen more people come to Christ through the shelter in three years than in twenty-three years as a church worker. In a note written to me, Thomas said: We are passing through a dark hour of testing, but after every midnight experience there comes the dawning of a new day. It is not going to happen immediately, but with sufficient time and effort, SHWC will come through this stronger and with the ability and capacity to help more people than ever before. Nothing will make any of us happier than to be able to be current with all our creditors, and if given sufficient time, we will. We can only ask for time and patience. During our conversations this past month, Benson reported making some initial offers to Thomas for settlement in the total amount of $14,000, with payments of $1500 per month until paid, but Thomas refused to accept the offer. One other interesting piece of information on SHWC: Both Lyn and Sam have mentioned that the Executive Director prior to Thomas was terminated for cause by the Board of Directors. Apparently, he was involved in an adulterous affair with one of the other employees of SHWC. Following his termination, donor contributions fell sharply. Thomas was appointed as the new Executive Director only a few months after being employed by the shelter as an assistant to the Executive Director. Thomas contracted with Benson to help compensate for the financial tailspin the ministry found itself in. Benson seems to be very sympathetic towards SHWC and its ministry. However, Benson believes that Thomas is trying to solve part of SHWC’s financial problems by blaming Benson and his staff. Thomas, on the other hand, is committed to the ministry of SHWC and believes that (s)he is fulfilling fiduciary obligations to the ministry and its donors by not paying Benson the amount in dispute. As you prepare for this mediation, consider what Scripture passages you might use to encourage or admonish these two Christians. Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
79 Interview Agreement Thank you for your interest in Christian conciliation. Our goal is to help people resolve conflicts in a cooperative rather than an adversarial manner. The conciliation process is based on biblical principles that promote understanding, personal responsibility, justice, and reconciliation. We will consider accepting any case, regardless of the religious convictions of the parties, provided they are willing to respect the Christian principles underlying the conciliation process. Description of Services -- We offer three levels of service. We provide conflict coaching and written resources to help individuals explore ways to resolve disputes personally and privately. We also provide mediation, an informal process in which one or more mediators meet with all the people involved in the conflict to help them arrive at a voluntary settlement of their differences. Finally, we provide adjudication, a more formal process in which one or more adjudicators hear each side’s arguments and render a legally binding decision. (For a more detailed description of these services, see the Guidelines for Christian Conciliation, which contains an Introduction to Christian Conciliation and our Rules of Procedure.) Biblical Basis -- We believe that the Bible provides thorough guidance and instruction for faith and life. Therefore, we base our services on scriptural principles rather than those of secular psychology or psychiatry. (For a description of the principles we embrace, see question 17 in the Introduction to Christian Conciliation.) Not Legal Representation -- Christian conciliation may be used to resolve legal disputes. Even so, conciliators do not provide people with the kind of legal advice and advocacy they would obtain if they hired a personal attorney. Instead of representing one person against another, we work with and for all the people in a dispute to help them find a mutually satisfactory agreement. This limitation applies to all of our conciliators, including those who happen to be attorneys. Therefore, if you are concerned about your legal rights, you should consult with an independent attorney who would be willing to accompany and advise you during the conciliation process. Our Commitment to Confidentiality -- Confidentiality is an important aspect of the conciliation process, and we will carefully guard the information you entrust to us. To ensure that you are receiving consistent counsel and support, however, we need to be able to discuss your situation with your attorney, if you have one, and with appropriate leaders of your church, if you belong to or attend one. Furthermore, we may need to divulge information to appropriate civil authorities if there is a clear indication that someone might otherwise be harmed (see Rules of Procedure 16 and 23 for more information on confidentiality). Your Commitment to Confidentiality -- You too must agree not to discuss our communications with people who do not have a necessary interest in the conciliation process. In addition, you must agree to treat all dealings with us in regard to this dispute as settlement negotiations, which means they will be inadmissible in a court of law or for legal discovery. Furthermore, you must agree that you will not try to force any conciliator to divulge any information acquired during conciliation or to testify in any legal proceeding related to this dispute. If you have any questions about these terms, please talk with a member of our staff. If these terms are acceptable to you, please sign below. Signed Lyn Benson Date 10/1 Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
80 Interview Agreement Thank you for your interest in Christian conciliation. Our goal is to help people resolve conflicts in a cooperative rather than an adversarial manner. The conciliation process is based on biblical principles that promote understanding, personal responsibility, justice, and reconciliation. We will consider accepting any case, regardless of the religious convictions of the parties, provided they are willing to respect the Christian principles underlying the conciliation process. Description of Services -- We offer three levels of service. We provide conflict coaching and written resources to help individuals explore ways to resolve disputes personally and privately. We also provide mediation, an informal process in which one or more mediators meet with all the people involved in the conflict to help them arrive at a voluntary settlement of their differences. Finally, we provide adjudication, a more formal process in which one or more adjudicators hear each side’s arguments and render a legally binding decision. (For a more detailed description of these services, see the Guidelines for Christian Conciliation, which contains an Introduction to Christian Conciliation and our Rules of Procedure.) Biblical Basis -- We believe that the Bible provides thorough guidance and instruction for faith and life. Therefore, we base our services on scriptural principles rather than those of secular psychology or psychiatry. (For a description of the principles we embrace, see question 17 in the Introduction to Christian Conciliation.) Not Legal Representation -- Christian conciliation may be used to resolve legal disputes. Even so, conciliators do not provide people with the kind of legal advice and advocacy they would obtain if they hired a personal attorney. Instead of representing one person against another, we work with and for all the people in a dispute to help them find a mutually satisfactory agreement. This limitation applies to all of our conciliators, including those who happen to be attorneys. Therefore, if you are concerned about your legal rights, you should consult with an independent attorney who would be willing to accompany and advise you during the conciliation process. Our Commitment to Confidentiality -- Confidentiality is an important aspect of the conciliation process, and we will carefully guard the information you entrust to us. To ensure that you are receiving consistent counsel and support, however, we need to be able to discuss your situation with your attorney, if you have one, and with appropriate leaders of your church, if you belong to or attend one. Furthermore, we may need to divulge information to appropriate civil authorities if there is a clear indication that someone might otherwise be harmed (see Rules of Procedure 16 and 23 for more information on confidentiality). Your Commitment to Confidentiality -- You too must agree not to discuss our communications with people who do not have a necessary interest in the conciliation process. In addition, you must agree to treat all dealings with us in regard to this dispute as settlement negotiations, which means they will be inadmissible in a court of law or for legal discovery. Furthermore, you must agree that you will not try to force any conciliator to divulge any information acquired during conciliation or to testify in any legal proceeding related to this dispute. If you have any questions about these terms, please talk with a member of our staff. If these terms are acceptable to you, please sign below. Signed Sam Thomas Date 10-1 Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
81 Mediation Agreement We, the undersigned parties, are presently involved in a dispute with one another, which we hereby submit for mediation before St. John Church , who/which shall be considered to be a "Christian conciliation service" ("CCS") for the purposes of this Agreement. We have received and read the Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute for Christian Conciliation (ICC Rules), which are incorporated into this agreement by reference and which we agree to follow. (We understand that the ICC is not directly involved in this case and has no responsibility for or control over the conciliation process.) In particular, subject to the more detailed provisions of the ICC Rules, we acknowledge and agree that: 1. One or more reconcilers will be nominated by the CCS for our approval. 2. The reconcilers will attempt to assist us in reaching a voluntary settlement of this dispute through mediation. If we are unable to agree on a settlement, the conciliators may, at their discretion, issue an advisory opinion, which shall not be legally binding. We understand that we may quit the conciliation process at any time. 3. We understand that neither the CCS nor any reconcilers, including those who happen to be attorneys, will provide any of us with the kind of legal advice or representation we would receive from a privately retained attorney. Furthermore, no reconciler, regardless of training or expertise, will be expected to provide any of us with the kind of advice or services that we would receive from an independent professional. 4. We agree to protect the confidentiality of this process and will not discuss these matters with people who do not have a necessary interest in them. Furthermore, we agree to treat all dealings with the CCS in regard to this dispute as settlement negotiations, and we agree that all communications with the CCS shall be inadmis-sible in a court of law or for legal discovery. 5. This agreement may be executed in counterparts, each of which shall be deemed an original, and all of which shall constitute one and the same agreement. We further agree that any dispute with the CCS arising from or related to this agreement shall be settled by mediation and, if necessary, legally binding arbitration in accordance with the ICC Rules; judgment upon an arbitration decision may be entered in any court otherwise having jurisdiction. Signed Lyn Benson Date 10/4 Signed Sam Thomas Date 10/6 Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
82 Statement of Issues and Remedies 1. This dispute involves: A contract between Benson and Associates (Benson) and Shelter of Hope for Women and Children (SHWC), whereby Benson was to provide fundraising services to SHWC and SHWC was to compensate Benson for such services. Benson claims that it was not fully compensated for the services it provided, and SHWC claims that the services provided do not warrant compensation beyond what has already been paid. 2. The issues to be resolved or the questions to be answered through conciliation are: Is Benson entitled to further compensation from SHWC for the services provided to SHWC by Benson? If Benson is entitled to further compensation, how much is owed? 3. The claims and remedies that the parties seek are: Benson seeks $22,724.68 for final payment to SHWC. Both parties ask the reconcilers to consider whether they are entitled for reimbursement for any and all costs incurred in enforcing the contract. Parties' initials (optional) LB ST Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
83 Benson’s Party Information Form Individual Party Information The information provided on this form will be used in accordance with the confidentiality provisions set forth in Rules 16 and 17 of the Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute for Christian Conciliation, for purposes of case administration and conciliator selection. This information will not be provided to the other party or to an adjudicator; a copy will be provided to a mediator, if the parties are pursuing mediation or mediation/adjudication. Date Submitted 9/15 Date Processed 9/25 1. Individual Party Each individual participating should complete this form. Name Dr. Lyn Benson Age 45 Address 123 First Ave So City Seattle State WA Zip/Postal Code 98106 Country Daytime Phone 206-555-4354 Evening Phone Fax Number E-mail Address Referred by Self – I use a conciliation clause in my contracts Who lives in He/she is a: ¨ Former conciliation client ¨ Pastor/church leader ¨ Attorney ¨ Other Church member Education (last level completed) PHD Type/major Business/Marketing Occupation Owner/Consultant Employer Benson & Associates Since 1985 Physical health: ¨ Very good T Good ¨ Poor ¨ Recent major illness, injury, or disability (describe below) Marital Status (mark all that apply): ¨ Never married ¨ Widowed T Divorced _____ time(s) ¨ Now married ____ yrs ¨ Now separated _____ months Spouse's name N/A Age Occupation Education (last level completed) Type/major Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
84 Benson’s Party Information Form If you are consulting an attorney about this dispute, please provide the following information, if you would like your attorney copied on correspondence and/or give permission for the CCS to talk with the attorney. Attorney John Davis Firm Johnson, Davis, & Assoc. Address Box 17351 City Seattle State WA Zip/Postal Code 98101 Country Daytime Phone Fax Number E-mail Address Has a legal action been filed or is one likely to be filed in this situation? T No ¨ Yes If yes, give dates and describe action below. Have you received advice from anyone else regarding this situation? T No ¨ Yes If yes, give names and dates below. 2. Personal Religious Background We have found that religious background can have a significant impact on how one deals with conflict. In order for us to be sensitive to your personal convictions, it is helpful for us to receive the following information. Religion: ¨ None T Christian ¨ Jewish ¨ Agnostic ¨ Other _________________ Please describe your religious upbringing: Do you believe in God? ¨ No T Yes ¨ Uncertain If yes or uncertain: How often do you pray to God? T Daily ¨ Weekly ¨ Occasionally ¨ Never Do you believe that when you die you will be with God eternally? ¨ No T Yes ¨ Uncertain Why? Because of the work of Christ. By grace through faith plus nothing. Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
85 Benson’s Party Information Form Have there been any recent significant changes in your spiritual life? T No ¨ Yes (describe below) How often do you read or study the Bible? ¨ Daily T Weekly ¨ Occasionally ¨ Never What is your opinion of the Bible? ¨ I don't know enough about the Bible to have an opinion. ¨ It is a book that contains helpful principles that I am free to follow or disregard as I think best. ¨ It is a book that was inspired by God and that contains helpful principles and instructions that I should follow unless I believe there is a good reason to do otherwise. ¨ It is a book that was inspired by God and that contains helpful principles, instructions, and commands that I should follow regardless of my feelings or preferences. ¨ Other: Who, if anyone, has the most influence on your religious or spiritual life? (Please give names and relationships) If you are affiliated with or under the authority of a particular church, please provide the following information: Church Name None at this time Pastor Church Address Denomination City State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone Web Site Address Fax Number E-mail Address Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
86 Benson’s Party Information Form 4. Information about the Other Party Name Sam Thomas, Exec. Dir., Shelter of Hope for Women and Children Address 1687 Sierra Dr. City Johnsonville State IN Zip/Postal Code 47274 Country Daytime Phone 930-524-8770 Evening Phone Fax Number E-mail Address 5. Other Party’s Religious Background Religion: ¨ None T Christian ¨ Jewish ¨ Agnostic ¨ Other _________________ If the other party is affiliated with or under the authority of a particular church, please provide the following information: Church Pastor Address City State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone Web Site Address Fax Number E-mail Address Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
87 Benson’s Preliminary Statement of Issues and Remedies PRELIMINARY STATEMENT OF ISSUES AND REMEDIES The following questions are designed to assist the Case Administrator in developing an Issues Statement for your case. The answers will also assist in appointing or nominating conciliator(s) whom are gifted to your conflict or dispute. A copy of this page may be provided to the other party(s). Please frame your responses in a conciliatory manner to promote dialogue with the conciliator and other party(s). Please describe your dispute or conflict in three or four sentences: We were employed as their consultants—especially in fundraising. Done so properly with written contract. The contract requires the segregation of funds and our payment first from the proceeds of the appeals. The client repeatedly used the funds received for other purposes than paying us, and, in spite of pleas over more than a year’s time, has paid nothing toward their bill with us. I have written and phoned, repeatedly, both the Exec Dir and board chairman asking for payment. For free, I wrote 3 additional fundraising appeals so they would have funds to pay us…They used my letters, but nothing from those proceeds have been paid us. What do you want the Case Administrator/Conciliator to do? Help them to see their responsibility…get them to abide by the contract, including the execution of the security agreement required by the contract. I believe there is clear evidence of duplicity on the part of the Exec Dir and possibly two members of their board. I wish, if necessary, to pierce the corporate veil and get security from the personal assets of the Exec Dir and possibly the two board members whom I made aware of the situation but who took no action to see that the provisions of the contract were adhered to. Aid in the enforcement of the contract between us. The question(s) to be answered through conciliation are: Compliance with the written contract. Full payment of accounts due which is …. $22,724.68 as of July 31. Reimbursement for any and all costs incurred in enforcing the contract. The claims and/or remedies I seek are: Explained above. Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
88 Benson’s Information: Agreement of Employment Agreement of Employment THIS AGREEMENT made and entered into this 23rd day of July [year] between Benson & Associates, a Washington corporation hereafter referred to as “Benson,” and Shelter of Hope for Women and Children, a non-profit organization, hereafter referred to as “Client.” R E C I T A L S 1. Benson is a Washington corporation, specializing in management, fundraising, and communications for Christian, non-profit philanthropic organizations; and 2. Client is in need of its services and desires to employ it on the terms set forth herein; and 3. Client recognizes the reputation and general abilities of Benson. Based on the above recitals, which are made a part of this Agreement, and in consideration as set forth herein, the parties AGREE as follows: 1. Retainer Fee. Client agrees to pay for the 4 enumerated services in Paragraph 2 herein and in the preceding cover letter and accompanying “Synopsis of Retainer Agreement” the sum of $700 per month, payable on or before the 10th day of each and every month. This amount shall be termed “retainer” and the other fees set forth hereinafter are to be paid in addition to the retainer. 2. Services to be Performed. Benson will perform the following services for Client in consideration of the retainer set forth above. a. Benson will prepare and supply an appeal kit to client at $700 per appeal kit plus an additional $.005 per each piece mailed if the quantity mailed is over 30,000. b. Benson will give telephone consultation to Client with regard to Client’s general problems or questions. Telephone work to perform specific chargeable tasks will be at the regular hourly rates in Paragraph 3. c. Benson will prepare reports and analyze data as supplied by Client. Benson will prepare an “Appeal Summary Report” for each direct mail appeal and will create and keep updated a “Summary of Appeal Results” report. Benson will give written analyses of this data; those charges will be in addition to the retainer fee as set forth herein and will be at the low rate card rate for the services rendered ($150 for each “Appeal Summary Report;” $150 for the creation of the “Summary of Appeal Results” and $35 for each update of the “Summary of Appeal Results”). Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
89 Benson’s Information: Agreement of Employment d. A more comprehensive and individualized list of services is described on “Synopsis of Benson Retain Agreement” which Client acknowledges having received. 3. Other Charges. a. In addition to the above, Client agrees to pay for any time spent by Benson for any other service at the rate of $100 per hour for Lyn Benson’s time and $35 per hour for other staff time. b. All travel time and out-of-pocket expenses, including travel expenses, lodging, meals, phone, UPS, Federal Express and any other expenses that are related to Client’s work shall be paid by Client upon billing as set forth herein. c. Client will pay for appeal kits at the rates set forth above. Kit to include suggested copy for letter, carrier envelope, response device and reply envelope. Should there be other inserts or variant versions, Client will pay for those at the regular hourly rate listed in Paragraph 3. 4. Payment Terms. All charges are due and payable ten (10) days after billing and bear interest at the rate of one percent (1%) per month or 12% A.P.R. beginning thirty (30) days after the billing. If a payment is late, all balances 60 days or older will be charged an additional monthly late charge of one-half percent (½ %) per month for a total interest rate of one and one-half percent (1½ %) per month. In the event Client does not bring current all balances due within said thirty (30) day period, Benson shall not be obligated to perform any other services on Client’s behalf until the outstanding balance is paid in full. 5. Disclosure of Financial Status and Results. Client agrees to disclose all financial aspects of its organization to Benson at Benson’s request which may include results of prior fund drives, debt structure and all other financial information. Additionally, Client agrees to supply to Benson on an ongoing basis, as long as the contract is in full force and effect, the complete results of all fund solicitations. Such information shall be supplied at the end of each week following the mailing or other solicitation and disclosure shall continue during the one hundred and twenty (120) day period set forth in Paragraph 6. 6. Term. The duration of this agreement is perpetual but may be canceled by one or the other party upon one hundred and twenty (120) days written notice. The monthly retainer agreement and any additional charges incurred by the Client during said one hundred and twenty (120) day period will be due and owing on the same basis as set forth above. Notice of cancellation must be sent by certified or registered mail by the party desiring cancellation and the time period shall begin running on the date of mailing. 7. Arbitration and Jurisdiction. In that both parties are Christians, should any dispute arise that cannot be settled between them, they shall refer the matter for Christian mediation for settlement or arbitration for a binding decision if no settlement is Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
90 Benson’s Information: Agreement of Employment reached in mediation. The matter shall be conducted according to the “Rules of Procedure” (Rules) of the Institute of Christian Conciliation. It shall be administered by a Christian Conciliation Ministry as defined by the Rules. In the event, however, suit or action is brought to enforce any of the rights of the parties as set forth herein, jurisdiction is established in the State of Washington. 8. Attorney Fees. In the event suit or action is instituted to enforce any of the terms of this contract, the prevailing party shall be entitled to recover from the other party such sum as the Court may adjudge reasonable as attorney fees at trial or on appeal of such suit or action, in addition to all other sums provided by law. Likewise, in the even either party must incur the services of an attorney for the mediation or arbitration, the prevailing party shall be allowed to be awarded their attorney fees by the arbiter. 9. Security Agreement. Client hereby grants a security interest in the proceeds of any fundraising work that may have been written or edited and/or directed or worked on by Benson. Additionally, Client agrees to sign whatever documentation is necessary for Benson to perfect the security interest granted herein. Benson agrees to cancel and terminate the security agreement upon the one hundred and twenty (120) day termination period running and upon being paid in full for all services performed. Additionally, Client agrees to appropriately segregate the funds received from any fund solicitation as may have been directed or worked on by Benson and to apply those funds first of all to payment to Benson before being applied to any other use. 10. Authority. Each signatory hereto represents and warrants that they have the authority of their respective corporations or organizations to execute this document and to bind the parties hereto. IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties have caused this contract to be executed as of the day and year first above written. For Benson & Assoc. For SHWC Signed/Dated Lyn Benson Signed/Dated Sam Thomas, Exec. Dir. Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
91 Thomas’ Party Information Form Individual Party Information The information provided on this form will be used in accordance with the confidentiality provisions set forth in Rules 16 and 17 of the Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute for Christian Conciliation, for purposes of case administration and conciliator selection. This information will not be provided to the other party or to an adjudicator; a copy will be provided to a mediator, if the parties are pursuing mediation or mediation/adjudication. Date Submitted 9/20 Date Processed 9/25 1. Individual Party Each individual participating should complete this form. Name Sam Thomas Age 52 Address 1687 Sierra Dr. City Johnsonville State IN Zip/Postal Code 47274 Country Daytime Phone 812/524-8770 Evening Phone Fax Number E-mail Address Referred by Other party Who lives in Seattle, Washington He/she is a: ¨ Former conciliation client ¨ Pastor/church leader ¨ Attorney ¨ Other Church member Education (last level completed) Masters Type/major Church Work Occupation Exec. Director Employer Shelter of Hope for Women and Children Since Almost 3 years Physical health: ¨ Very good T Good ¨ Poor ¨ Recent major illness, injury, or disability (describe below) Marital Status (mark all that apply): ¨ Never married ¨ Widowed ¨ Divorced _____ time(s) T Now married _18_ yrs ¨ Now separated _____ months Spouse's name Not involved Age Occupation Education (last level completed) Type/major Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
92 Thomas’ Party Information Form If you are consulting an attorney about this dispute, please provide the following information, if you would like your attorney copied on correspondence and/or give permission for the CCS to talk with the attorney. Attorney None Firm Address City State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone Fax Number E-mail Address Has a legal action been filed or is one likely to be filed in this situation? ¨ No ¨ Yes If yes, give dates and describe action below. Have you received advice from anyone else regarding this situation? ¨ No ¨ Yes If yes, give names and dates below. 2. Personal Religious Background We have found that religious background can have a significant impact on how one deals with conflict. In order for us to be sensitive to your personal convictions, it is helpful for us to receive the following information. Religion: ¨ None T Christian ¨ Jewish ¨ Agnostic ¨ Other _________________ Please describe your religious upbringing: Do you believe in God? ¨ No T Yes ¨ Uncertain If yes or uncertain: How often do you pray to God? T Daily ¨ Weekly ¨ Occasionally ¨ Never Do you believe that when you die you will be with God eternally? ¨ No T Yes ¨ Uncertain Why? Jesus Christ died for my sins. Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
93 Thomas’ Party Information Form Have there been any recent significant changes in your spiritual life? T No ¨ Yes (describe below) How often do you read or study the Bible? ¨ Daily T Weekly ¨ Occasionally ¨ Never What is your opinion of the Bible? ¨ I don't know enough about the Bible to have an opinion. ¨ It is a book that contains helpful principles that I am free to follow or disregard as I think best. ¨ It is a book that was inspired by God and that contains helpful principles and instructions that I should follow unless I believe there is a good reason to do otherwise. T It is a book that was inspired by God and that contains helpful principles, instructions, and commands that I should follow regardless of my feelings or preferences. ¨ Other: Who, if anyone, has the most influence on your religious or spiritual life? (Please give names and relationships) My mother; my Bible college professors, and my pastors over the years. If you are affiliated with or under the authority of a particular church, please provide the following information: Church Name St John Church Pastor Rev J.R. Brooks Church Address Denomination Non-Denominational City State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone Web Site Address Fax Number E-mail Address Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
94 Thomas’ Party Information Form 4. Information about the Other Party Name Dr. Lyn Benson, Benson & Associates Address 123 First Ave So City Seattle State WA Zip/Postal Code 98106 Country Daytime Phone 206-555-4354 Evening Phone Fax Number E-mail Address 5. Other Party’s Religious Background Religion: ¨ None T Christian ¨ Jewish ¨ Agnostic ¨ Other _____________________________ If the other party is affiliated with or under the authority of a particular church, please provide the following information: Church Pastor Address City State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone Web Site Address Fax Number E-mail Address Case Study #2 Benson / SHWC
95 Mediation Training Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman Case Administrator’s Notes Chris Lehman is a member of your congregation, and Lee Lehman lives in a town about 100 miles away and is a member of another Christian church. Chris and Lee are siblings. Their mother, Ruth Lehman, is elderly and widowed, and she lives with Lee and Lee’s family. Ruth and her husband, John, were in a serious car accident about 15 years ago. John died after being in the hospital for two weeks, and Ruth survived but lost the use of her legs. Since that time, she used a wheelchair to get around. Ruth also suffers from diabetes, and she has experienced declining health in the last two years. Shortly after John’s death, Ruth moved in with Lee and Lee’s family as she recovered from the accident. Over time, however, Ruth continued to live in Lee’s home because she feared living alone and was unable to take care of her small home on her own. She rented her house out, always saying that someday she would move back home. Lee and Chris both thought this was a good plan for the short term. Months turned into years, and Ruth continued to live with Lee’s family. Lee and his/her spouse have three children, the eldest of which is in college. Their second child, Tommy, is mentally and physically handicapped, and requires extra attention and medical care. Since both Lee and his/her spouse worked during the day, Ruth watched her grandkids during the day and cooked meals for the family. She loved her grandkids, and she wanted to share in the family responsibilities. The rent from her house barely covered the house payment, insurance and taxes, and her social security was her only other income, so she had little else to pay for her staying with Lee. Lee and his/her spouse loved having Ruth stay with them. Chris and his/her spouse own a café. The café is open six days a week, and they both work long hours but never seem to get ahead. They often struggle to make ends meet. Chris and his/her spouse always wanted children but were unable to have any. Over the years, Chris came to resent Lee because Ruth seemed to favor Lee and Lee’s family because of the grandchildren. Chris would come visit his/her mother every Sunday afternoon, when the café was closed. But whenever Chris visited his/her mother, it seems that all she could talk about was what her grandchildren were doing. It was a constant reminder that Chris had no children, and Chris began to think that his/her mother did not love Chris as much as Lee because Chris could not give his/her mother more grandchildren. Lee managed the rental of the house for his/her mother and was responsible for maintaining and repairing the house as needed. Six years ago, Lee and his/her family put a new roof on. Three years ago, they replaced the old deck and painted the house. Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
96 Lee purchased all the roofing material, decking, and paint. Lee asked Chris to help, but Chris complained that with the café, Chris was too busy to drive 100 miles to work on his/her mother’s house. Chris never helped with the expenses. According to Lee, Chris always said that the café took all the money they had just to stay open. During the last two years, Ruth’s health has deteriorated, and she is bedridden. Neither Chris nor Lee wanted to put their mother into a nursing home, and Lee insisted on keeping Ruth at Lee’s home. Chris agreed, especially since Chris and his/her spouse could not take care of her because of the demands of the café. Lee and his/her spouse cut back on their own work and adjusted their work schedules so that Ruth was never alone more than a few hours at a time. Ruth is unable to fix her own meals or go to the bathroom without their help. Ruth’s will divides her estate equally between her two children. But in the last six months, she met with her attorney and decided to deed her house to Lee as a way to help pay for her care and to help Lee with the expenses of the children. Lee’s oldest is in college, and Tommy has always required extra medical expenses which are not covered by insurance. She has little else of financial value in her estate, but her furniture, pictures, and some family heirlooms are still to be divided among both her children. Ruth also appointed Lee as her legal guardian and conservator of her estate. Lee now has authority to make decisions for all her legal and financial affairs. Five months ago, when Chris learned that their mother had deeded her house to Lee, Chris was furious. Chris and Lee had words. Chris accused Lee of turning their mother against Chris, taking advantage of an old woman and convincing her to deed the house to Lee. Lee accused Chris of not doing Lee’s fair share of taking care of their mother or her house. Lee became angry and said “Who’s the one who’s been taking care of her all these years? All you could ever squeeze out was a short visit once a week!” Chris retorted, “You’re a fine one to talk. You took advantage of Mom all these years, making her cook and look after your kids. You got a free nanny out of the deal, and now you’ve arranged to get her house, too!” Chris and Lee haven’t talked since. Chris has not visited his/her mother since the fight. Ruth is hurting because she hasn’t seen Chris for months. She cries every Sunday afternoon. Lee would be willing to have nothing to do with Chris again, except for his/her mother’s sake. Ruth’s health has deteriorated rapidly these last few weeks, and Lee desperately wants their mother to see both their children reconciled before she dies. Through Lee and Ruth’s pastor, Lee learned that Chris’s church has a reconciliation ministry. Chris’s pastor and Lee’s pastor talked about the situation, and both pastors agreed to approach their respective members about mediation. Lee and Chris agreed to meet with the reconcilers. You have been appointed to mediate the case. Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
97 Interview Agreement Thank you for your interest in Christian conciliation. Our goal is to help people resolve conflicts in a cooperative rather than an adversarial manner. The conciliation process is based on biblical principles that promote understanding, personal responsibility, justice, and reconciliation. We will consider accepting any case, regardless of the religious convictions of the parties, provided they are willing to respect the Christian principles underlying the conciliation process. Description of Services -- We offer three levels of service. We provide conflict coaching and written resources to help individuals explore ways to resolve disputes personally and privately. We also provide mediation, an informal process in which one or more mediators meet with all the people involved in the conflict to help them arrive at a voluntary settlement of their differences. Finally, we provide adjudication, a more formal process in which one or more adjudicators hear each side’s arguments and render a legally binding decision. (For a more detailed description of these services, see the Guidelines for Christian Conciliation, which contains an Introduction to Christian Conciliation and our Rules of Procedure.) Biblical Basis -- We believe that the Bible provides thorough guidance and instruction for faith and life. Therefore, we base our services on scriptural principles rather than those of secular psychology or psychiatry. (For a description of the principles we embrace, see question 17 in the Introduction to Christian Conciliation.) Not Legal Representation -- Christian conciliation may be used to resolve legal disputes. Even so, conciliators do not provide people with the kind of legal advice and advocacy they would obtain if they hired a personal attorney. Instead of representing one person against another, we work with and for all the people in a dispute to help them find a mutually satisfactory agreement. This limitation applies to all of our conciliators, including those who happen to be attorneys. Therefore, if you are concerned about your legal rights, you should consult with an independent attorney who would be willing to accompany and advise you during the conciliation process. Our Commitment to Confidentiality -- Confidentiality is an important aspect of the conciliation process, and we will carefully guard the information you entrust to us. To ensure that you are receiving consistent counsel and support, however, we need to be able to discuss your situation with your attorney, if you have one, and with appropriate leaders of your church, if you belong to or attend one. Furthermore, we may need to divulge information to appropriate civil authorities if there is a clear indication that someone might otherwise be harmed (see Rules of Procedure 16 and 23 for more information on confidentiality). Your Commitment to Confidentiality -- You too must agree not to discuss our communications with people who do not have a necessary interest in the conciliation process. In addition, you must agree to treat all dealings with us in regard to this dispute as settlement negotiations, which means they will be inadmissible in a court of law or for legal discovery. Furthermore, you must agree that you will not try to force any conciliator to divulge any information acquired during conciliation or to testify in any legal proceeding related to this dispute. If you have any questions about these terms, please talk with a member of our staff. If these terms are acceptable to you, please sign below. Signed Chris Lehman Date 10/1 Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
98 Interview Agreement Thank you for your interest in Christian conciliation. Our goal is to help people resolve conflicts in a cooperative rather than an adversarial manner. The conciliation process is based on biblical principles that promote understanding, personal responsibility, justice, and reconciliation. We will consider accepting any case, regardless of the religious convictions of the parties, provided they are willing to respect the Christian principles underlying the conciliation process. Description of Services -- We offer three levels of service. We provide conflict coaching and written resources to help individuals explore ways to resolve disputes personally and privately. We also provide mediation, an informal process in which one or more mediators meet with all the people involved in the conflict to help them arrive at a voluntary settlement of their differences. Finally, we provide adjudication, a more formal process in which one or more adjudicators hear each side’s arguments and render a legally binding decision. (For a more detailed description of these services, see the Guidelines for Christian Conciliation, which contains an Introduction to Christian Conciliation and our Rules of Procedure.) Biblical Basis -- We believe that the Bible provides thorough guidance and instruction for faith and life. Therefore, we base our services on scriptural principles rather than those of secular psychology or psychiatry. (For a description of the principles we embrace, see question 17 in the Introduction to Christian Conciliation.) Not Legal Representation -- Christian conciliation may be used to resolve legal disputes. Even so, conciliators do not provide people with the kind of legal advice and advocacy they would obtain if they hired a personal attorney. Instead of representing one person against another, we work with and for all the people in a dispute to help them find a mutually satisfactory agreement. This limitation applies to all of our conciliators, including those who happen to be attorneys. Therefore, if you are concerned about your legal rights, you should consult with an independent attorney who would be willing to accompany and advise you during the conciliation process. Our Commitment to Confidentiality -- Confidentiality is an important aspect of the conciliation process, and we will carefully guard the information you entrust to us. To ensure that you are receiving consistent counsel and support, however, we need to be able to discuss your situation with your attorney, if you have one, and with appropriate leaders of your church, if you belong to or attend one. Furthermore, we may need to divulge information to appropriate civil authorities if there is a clear indication that someone might otherwise be harmed (see Rules of Procedure 16 and 23 for more information on confidentiality). Your Commitment to Confidentiality -- You too must agree not to discuss our communications with people who do not have a necessary interest in the conciliation process. In addition, you must agree to treat all dealings with us in regard to this dispute as settlement negotiations, which means they will be inadmissible in a court of law or for legal discovery. Furthermore, you must agree that you will not try to force any conciliator to divulge any information acquired during conciliation or to testify in any legal proceeding related to this dispute. If you have any questions about these terms, please talk with a member of our staff. If these terms are acceptable to you, please sign below. Signed Lee Lehman Date 10-1 Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
99 Mediation Agreement We, the undersigned parties, are presently involved in a dispute with one another, which we hereby submit for mediation before Reconciliation Ministries of Peace Church , who/which shall be considered to be a "Christian conciliation service" ("CCS") for the purposes of this Agreement. We have received and read the Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute for Christian Conciliation (ICC Rules), which are incorporated into this agreement by reference and which we agree to follow. (We understand that the ICC is not directly involved in this case and has no responsibility for or control over the conciliation process.) In particular, subject to the more detailed provisions of the ICC Rules, we acknowledge and agree that: 1. One or more reconcilers will be nominated by the CCS for our approval. 2. The reconcilers will attempt to assist us in reaching a voluntary settlement of this dispute through mediation. If we are unable to agree on a settlement, the conciliators may, at their discretion, issue an advisory opinion, which shall not be legally binding. We understand that we may quit the conciliation process at any time. 3. We understand that neither the CCS nor any reconcilers, including those who happen to be attorneys, will provide any of us with the kind of legal advice or representation we would receive from a privately retained attorney. Furthermore, no reconciler, regardless of training or expertise, will be expected to provide any of us with the kind of advice or services that we would receive from an independent professional. 4. We agree to protect the confidentiality of this process and will not discuss these matters with people who do not have a necessary interest in them. Furthermore, we agree to treat all dealings with the CCS in regard to this dispute as settlement negotiations, and we agree that all communications with the CCS shall be inadmis-sible in a court of law or for legal discovery. 5. This agreement may be executed in counterparts, each of which shall be deemed an original, and all of which shall constitute one and the same agreement. We further agree that any dispute with the CCS arising from or related to this agreement shall be settled by mediation and, if necessary, legally binding arbitration in accordance with the ICC Rules; judgment upon an arbitration decision may be entered in any court otherwise having jurisdiction. Signed Chris Lehman Date 10/4 Signed Lee Lehman Date 10/6 Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
100 Statement of Issues and Remedies 1. This dispute involves: Lee Lehman and Chris Lehman are siblings. Their mother, Ruth Lehman, is elderly and her health is deteriorating. Ruth has lived with Lee and Lee’s family for the last 15 years. About six months ago, Ruth decided to deed her home to Lee for the care Lee has provided her for these many years. Lee has also been appointed Ruth’s conservator. Ruth’s will provides that her estate is to be divided equally between Lee and Chris, but Chris claims that Lee convinced their mother to deed the house to Lee to get the house out of the estate, leaving virtually nothing of value to divide in the estate. Chris wants the house to remain in the estate so that Chris can receive an equal portion of the house. 2. The issues to be resolved or the questions to be answered through conciliation are: Should Ruth’s house be deeded back to Ruth and remain in her estate to be divided as the original will determines? What compensation, if any, from Ruth’s estate should be given to Lee for caring for their mother? What can be done to reconcile family relationships? 3. The claims and remedies that the parties seek are: Chris wants Lee to deed the house back into Ruth’s name. Lee wants the house to remain in his name. Parties' initials (optional) ___ L. L. C.L. Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
101 Chris’ Party Information Form Individual Party Information The information provided on this form will be used in accordance with the confidentiality provisions set forth in Rules 16 and 17 of the Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute for Christian Conciliation, for purposes of case administration and conciliator selection. This information will not be provided to the other party or to an adjudicator; a copy will be provided to a mediator, if the parties are pursuing mediation or mediation/adjudication. Date Submitted 9/20 Date Processed 9/25 1. Individual Party Each individual participating should complete this form. Name Chris Lehman Age 52 Address 356 Circle Dr. City Plains State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone 524-8770 Evening Phone Fax Number E-mail Address Referred by Pastor Thompson, Peace Church Who lives in He/she is a: ¨ Former conciliation client T Pastor/church leader ¨ Attorney ¨ Other Church member Education (last level completed) 2 Years college Type/major General studies Occupation Café Owner Employer Center Café Since 27 years Physical health: ¨ Very good T Good ¨ Poor ¨ Recent major illness, injury, or disability (describe below) Marital Status (mark all that apply): ¨ Never married ¨ Widowed ¨ Divorced _____ time(s) T Now married __29 yrs ¨ Now separated _____ months Spouse's name Age Occupation Co-Owner in Café’ Education (last level completed) Type/major Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
102 Chris’ Party Information Form If you are consulting an attorney about this dispute, please provide the following information, if you would like your attorney copied on correspondence and/or give permission for the ICC to talk with the attorney. Attorney None Firm Address City State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone Fax Number E-mail Address Has a legal action been filed or is one likely to be filed in this situation? ¨ No ¨ Yes If yes, give dates and describe action below. I don’t know yet. Have you received advice from anyone else regarding this situation? T No ¨ Yes If yes, give names and dates below. 2. Personal Religious Background We have found that religious background can have a significant impact on how one deals with conflict. In order for us to be sensitive to your personal convictions, it is helpful for us to receive the following information. Religion: ¨ None T Christian ¨ Jewish ¨ Agnostic ¨ Other ____________ Please describe your religious upbringing: Do you believe in God? ¨ No T Yes ¨ Uncertain If yes or uncertain: How often do you pray to God? T Daily ¨ Weekly ¨ Occasionally ¨ Never Do you believe that when you die you will be with God eternally? ¨ No T Yes ¨ Uncertain Why? I live like a good Christian should. Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
103 Chris’ Party Information Form Have there been any recent significant changes in your spiritual life? T No ¨ Yes (describe below) How often do you read or study the Bible? ¨ Daily ¨ Weekly T Occasionally ¨ Never What is your opinion of the Bible? ¨ I don't know enough about the Bible to have an opinion. ¨ It is a book that contains helpful principles that I am free to follow or disregard as I think best. T It is a book that was inspired by God and that contains helpful principles and instructions that I should follow unless I believe there is a good reason to do otherwise. ¨ It is a book that was inspired by God and that contains helpful principles, instructions, and commands that I should follow regardless of my feelings or preferences. ¨ Other: Who, if anyone, has the most influence on your religious or spiritual life? (Please give names and relationships) If you are affiliated with or under the authority of a particular church, please provide the following information: Church Name Peace Church Pastor Thompson Church Address Denomination Non-Denom City State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone Web Site Address Fax Number E-mail Address Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
104 Chris’ Party Information Form 3. Information about the Other Party Name Lee Lehman Address 123 Ave F City River City State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone 555-4354 Evening Phone Fax Number E-mail Address 4. Other Party’s Religious Background Religion: ¨ None T Christian ¨ Jewish ¨ Agnostic ¨ Other ____________ If the other party is affiliated with or under the authority of a particular church, please provide the following information: Church First Church Pastor Ludwig Address City State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone Web Site Address Fax Number E-mail Address Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
105 Lee’s Party Information Form Individual Party Information The information provided on this form will be used in accordance with the confidentiality provisions set forth in Rules 16 and 17 of the Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute for Christian Conciliation, for purposes of case administration and conciliator selection. This information will not be provided to the other party or to an adjudicator; a copy will be provided to a mediator, if the parties are pursuing mediation or mediation/adjudication. Date Submitted 9/15 Date Processed 9/25 1. Individual Party Each individual participating should complete this form. Name Lee Lehman Age 45 Address 123 Avenue F City River City State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone 555-4354 Evening Phone Fax Number E-mail Address Referred by My pastor Who lives in He/she is a: ¨ Former conciliation client ¨ Pastor/church leader ¨ Attorney ¨ Other Church member Education (last level completed) College 4-year degree Type/major Business/Marketing Occupation Sales Manager Employer Medical Supplies, Inc. Since 20+ years Physical health: ¨ Very good T Good ¨ Poor ¨ Recent major illness, injury, or disability (describe below) Marital Status (mark all that apply): ¨ Never married ¨ Widowed ¨ Divorced _____ time(s) T Now married 20 yrs ¨ Now separated _____ months Spouse's name Not involved Age Occupation Education (last level completed) Type/major Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
106 Lee’s Party Information Form If you are consulting an attorney about this dispute, please provide the following information, if you would like your attorney copied on correspondence and/or give permission for the ICC to talk with the attorney. Attorney (Mom’s Lawyer) Jack Swanson Firm Swanson & Assoc. Address Box 17351 City River City State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone Fax Number E-mail Address Has a legal action been filed or is one likely to be filed in this situation? T No ¨ Yes If yes, give dates and describe action below. Have you received advice from anyone else regarding this situation? T No ¨ Yes If yes, give names and dates below. 3. Personal Religious Background We have found that religious background can have a significant impact on how one deals with conflict. In order for us to be sensitive to your personal convictions, it is helpful for us to receive the following information. Religion: ¨ None T Christian ¨ Jewish ¨ Agnostic ¨ Other ____________ Please describe your religious upbringing: Do you believe in God? ¨ No T Yes ¨ Uncertain If yes or uncertain: How often do you pray to God? T Daily ¨ Weekly ¨ Occasionally ¨ Never Do you believe that when you die you will be with God eternally? ¨ No T Yes ¨ Uncertain Why? John 3:16 Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
107 Lee’s Party Information Form Have there been any recent significant changes in your spiritual life? T No ¨ Yes (describe below) How often do you read or study the Bible? ¨ Daily T Weekly ¨ Occasionally ¨ Never What is your opinion of the Bible? ¨ I don't know enough about the Bible to have an opinion. ¨ It is a book that contains helpful principles that I am free to follow or disregard as I think best. ¨ It is a book that was inspired by God and that contains helpful principles and instructions that I should follow unless I believe there is a good reason to do otherwise. T It is a book that was inspired by God and that contains helpful principles, instructions, and commands that I should follow regardless of my feelings or preferences. ¨ Other: Who, if anyone, has the most influence on your religious or spiritual life? (Please give names and relationships) My parents; my spouse; my pastors If you are affiliated with or under the authority of a particular church, please provide the following information: Church Name First Church Pastor Pastor Bob Ludwig Church Address Denomination Non-Denom City River City State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone Web Site Address Fax Number E-mail Address Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
108 Lee’s Party Information Form 3. Information about the Other Party Name Chris Lehman Address 356 Circle Dr. City Plains State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone 524-8770 Evening Phone Fax Number E-mail Address 4. Other Party’s Religious Background Religion: ¨ None T Christian ¨ Jewish ¨ Agnostic ¨ Other ____________ If the other party is affiliated with or under the authority of a particular church, please provide the following information: Church Peace Church Pastor Pastor Stan Thompson Address Plains City State Zip/Postal Code Country Daytime Phone Web Site Address Fax Number E-mail Address Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
109 Lee’s Preliminary Statement of Issues and Remedies PRELIMINARY STATEMENT OF ISSUES AND REMEDIES The following questions are designed to assist the Case Administrator in developing an Issues Statement for your case. The answers will also assist in appointing or nominating conciliator(s) whom are gifted to your conflict or dispute. A copy of this page may be provided to the other party(s). Please frame your responses in a conciliatory manner to promote dialogue with the conciliator and other party(s). Please describe your dispute or conflict in three or four sentences: My mother has been living with my family for 15 years, since our Dad died and she was disabled. Although she cooked meals for our family since both my spouse and I work during the day, and looked after our children, she has not been able to do so during the last two years. She is elderly and suffering from diabetes and needs care. Chris and I agreed that she should continue to live with my family to receive care rather than nursing home. Mom wanted me to have her small house as a way to pay us back for years of care and helping her out with expenses on her home. Chris is upset and thinks that I manipulated Mom to get the house and wants it put back into her estate. Her will divides her assets equally between Chris and me. As a result, Chris hasn’t seen Mom for 5 months, and Mom is hurting and upset. She will not live much longer, and for Mom’s sake, I want this thing settled and Chris to start seeing Mom again. What do you want the Case Administrator/Conciliator to do? Help Chris to back off and see the folly of his/her stupid arguments. Our mother is dying and wants to see her other child. His/her stubborn attitude is hurting her. The question(s) to be answered through conciliation are: Did Mom do the right thing in giving me the house? What do Chris and me need to do to work through our disagreements so that Mom can know that her own kids are okay with each other and Chris can see Mom before she dies. The claims and/or remedies I seek are: Explained above. Case Study #3 Lehman / Lehman
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111 Appendix A Model Case Forms Mediation Model Case Forms Case Information ..................................................................................... 112 Interview Agreement ............................................................................... 113 Interview Agreement and Fees ............................................................... 114 Mediation Agreement .............................................................................. 115 Preliminary Statement of Issues and Remedies ..................................... 116 Individual Party Information ..................................................................... 117 Mediation Panel Approval ....................................................................... 120 Mediation Agenda and Ground Rules Handout ...................................... 121 Mediator’s Checklist ................................................................................ 122 Separating Issues, Positions, and Interests ............................................ 124 Memorandum of Understanding .............................................................. 125 For more forms and updates to forms, refer to Model Case Forms on the Reconciler Menu (available to Christian Reconcilers™ at www.aorhope.org).
112 Case Information Case No.________________ Initiating Party_____________________________________________________________ Occupation ___________________________________ Email _______________________ Phones: Work _________________ Cell/Home _________________ Fax ________________ Address ___________________________________________________________________ Pastor _______________________________________Church ______________________ Phones: Work _________________ Cell or Fax _________________ Email________________ Address ___________________________________________________________________ Attorney __________________________________Firm ____________________________ Phones: Work _________________ Cell or Fax _________________ Email________________ Address ___________________________________________________________________ Responding Party__________________________________________________________ Occupation ___________________________________ Email _______________________ Phones: Work _________________ Cell/Home _________________ Fax ________________ Address ___________________________________________________________________ Pastor _______________________________________Church ______________________ Phones: Work _________________ Cell or Fax _________________ Email________________ Address ___________________________________________________________________ Attorney __________________________________Firm ____________________________ Phones: Work _________________ Cell or Fax _________________ Email________________ Address ___________________________________________________________________ Reconciler __________________________________________________ Phones: Work _________________ Cell or Fax _________________ Email________________ Address ___________________________________________________________________ Reconciler __________________________________________________ Phones: Work _________________ Cell or Fax _________________ Email________________ Address ___________________________________________________________________ Reconciler __________________________________________________ Phones: Work _________________ Cell or Fax _________________ Email________________ Address ___________________________________________________________________ Other Information:
113 Interview Agreement Thank you for your interest in Christian conciliation. Our goal is to help people resolve conflicts in a cooperative rather than an adversarial manner. The conciliation process is based on biblical principles that promote understanding, personal responsibility, justice, and reconciliation. We will consider accepting any case, regardless of the religious convictions of the parties, provided they are willing to respect the Christian principles underlying the conciliation process. Description of Services – We offer three levels of service. We provide conflict coaching and written resources to help individuals explore ways to resolve disputes personally and privately. We also provide mediation, an informal process in which one or more mediators meet with all the people involved in the conflict to help them arrive at a voluntary settlement of their differences. Finally, we provide adjudication, a more formal process in which one or more adjudicators hear each side’s arguments and render a legally binding decision. (For a more detailed description of these services, see the Guidelines for Christian Conciliation, which contains an Introduction to Christian Conciliation and our Rules of Procedure.) Biblical Basis – We believe that the Bible provides thorough guidance and instruction for faith and life. Therefore, we base our services on scriptural principles rather than those of secular psychology or psychiatry. (For a description of the principles we embrace, see question 17 in the Introduction to Christian Conciliation.) Not Legal Representation – Christian conciliation may be used to resolve legal disputes. Even so, conciliators do not provide people with the kind of legal advice and advocacy they would obtain if they hired a personal attorney. Instead of representing one person against another, we work with and for all the people in a dispute to help them find a mutually satisfactory agreement. This limitation applies to all of our conciliators, including those who happen to be attorneys. Therefore, if you are concerned about your legal rights, you should consult with an independent attorney who would be willing to accompany and advise you during the conciliation process. Our Commitment to Confidentiality – Confidentiality is an important aspect of the conciliation process, and we will carefully guard the information you entrust to us. To ensure that you are receiving consistent counsel and support, however, we need to be able to discuss your situation with your attorney, if you have one, and with appropriate leaders of your church, if you belong to or attend one. Furthermore, we may need to divulge information to appropriate civil authorities if there is a clear indication that someone might otherwise be harmed (see Rules of Procedure 16 and 23 for more information on confidentiality). Your Commitment to Confidentiality – You too must agree not to discuss our communications with people who do not have a necessary interest in the conciliation process. In addition, you must agree to treat all dealings with us in regard to this dispute as settlement negotiations, which means they will be inadmissible in a court of law or for legal discovery. Furthermore, you must agree that you will not try to force any conciliator to divulge any information acquired during conciliation or to testify in any legal proceeding related to this dispute. If you have any questions about these terms, please talk with a member of our staff. If these terms are acceptable to you, please sign below. Signed Date
114 Interview Agreement and Fees Thank you for your interest in reconciliation. Our goal is to guide Christians in conflict to remember their reconciliation with God and to reconcile with one another as children of God (2 Corinthians 5:16-21). Biblical Basis – We believe that the Bible provides thorough guidance and instruction for faith and life (2 Timothy 3:16-17). Therefore, beginning with what God has done for us through Christ, we base our services on scriptural principles rather than those of secular psychology or psychiatry. God’s Word urges us to live in peace with each other by promoting understanding, personal responsibility, justice, and reconciliation (Romans 12). Description of Services – We offer different levels of Christian reconciliation services. We provide conflict coaching and written resources to help individuals and church leaders explore ways to resolve disputes personally and privately. We provide mediation, an informal process in which one or more mediators meet with all the people involved in the conflict to help them arrive at a voluntary settlement of their differences. We also provide adjudication, a more formal process in which one or more adjudicators hear each side's arguments and render a legally binding decision. All our services are provided according to the Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute of Christian Conciliation. The Rules are incorporated in this agreement by reference as set forth in their entirety (available at https://www.aorhope.org/rules). Not Legal Representation – Christian reconciliation may be used to resolve legal disputes (Matthew 5:23-26; 18:15-20; 1 Corinthians 6:1-8). Even so, our reconcilers do not provide the kind of legal advice and advocacy that can be obtained through a personal attorney. We work with and for all the people in a dispute helping them to find a mutually satisfactory agreement. Therefore, if you are concerned about your legal rights, you should consult with an independent attorney who would be willing to accompany and advise you, if you deem it necessary, during the reconciliation process. Fees – There is no fee charged for a 30-minute initial consultation. After initial consultation, our reconciliation fees are charged at $_________ per hour for actual reconciliation services and preparation time, plus expenses. Travel time is charged at half the normal rate. Expenses include such things as long distance phone calls, materials, and traveling expenses (i.e., meals, transportation, lodging, etc.). Those who need help with fees are encouraged to apply for reduced fees, based on need. Confidentiality is an important aspect of the conciliation process. We carefully guard the information you entrust to us. However, we may need to divulge information to appropriate authorities if there is a clear indication that someone might otherwise be harmed (see Rules of Procedure 16 and 17). We ask that you agree not to discuss our communication with people who do not have a necessary interest in the reconciliation process. By participating in this process, you agree to treat all dealings with us in regard to this dispute as settlement negotiations, which means they will be inadmissible in a court of law or for legal discovery. Furthermore, you agree that you will not try to force any reconciler to divulge any information acquired during reconciliation or to testify in any legal proceeding related to this dispute. Our Commitments to You – We desire that parties be given the opportunity to tell their story in a safe environment and to lay their burden at the foot of the cross. To that end we will: • Listen with caring, compassionate concern, seeking to understand and to be supportive. • Provide you with the opportunity to tell us what is needed for healing and restoration. • Bring the Gospel to bear as we have opportunity, including confession and forgiveness. • Provide biblical coaching to help you live out your vocation as children of God in your disputes. • Keep confidences, only reporting to authorities what is appropriate or required by law (see above on confidentiality). If you have any questions about this agreement, please speak with one of our staff. If these terms are acceptable to you, please acknowledge with your signature below. Signed: ___________________________________________________ Date: _________________ Print Name: ____________________________Phone: ___________________Email: ______________
115 Mediation Agreement We, the undersigned parties, are presently involved in a dispute with one another, which we hereby submit for mediation before ________________________________________, who/which shall be considered to be a “Christian conciliation service” (“CCS”) for the purposes of this Agreement. We have received and read the Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute for Christian Conciliation (ICC Rules), which are incorporated into this agreement by reference and which we agree to follow. We understand that neither the ICC nor Ambassadors of Reconciliation is directly involved in this case and has no responsibility for or control over the conciliation process. In particular, subject to the more detailed provisions of the ICC Rules, we acknowledge and agree that: 1. One or more reconcilers will be nominated by the CCS for our approval. 2. The reconcilers will attempt to assist us in reaching a voluntary settlement of this dispute through mediation. If we are unable to agree on a settlement, the reconcilers may at their discretion issue an advisory opinion, which shall not be legally binding. We understand that we may quit the mediation process at any time. 3. We understand that neither the CCS nor any reconcilers, including those who happen to be attorneys, will provide any of us with the kind of legal advice or representation we would receive from a privately retained attorney. Furthermore, no reconciler, regardless of training or expertise, will be expected to provide any of us with the kind of advice or services that we would receive from an independent professional. 4. We agree to protect the confidentiality of this process and will not discuss these matters with people who do not have a necessary interest in them. Furthermore, we agree to treat all dealings with the CCS in regard to this dispute as settlement negotiations, and we agree that all communications with the CCS shall be inadmissible in a court of law or for legal discovery. 5. This agreement may be executed in counterparts, each of which shall be deemed an original, and all of which shall constitute one and the same agreement. We further agree that any dispute with the CCS arising from or related to this agreement shall be settled by mediation and, if necessary, legally binding arbitration in accordance with the Rules; judgment upon an arbitration decision may be entered in any court otherwise having jurisdiction. ____________________________________________ ___________________ Signed Date ____________________________________________ ___________________ Signed Date
116 Preliminary Statement of Issues and Remedies 1. This dispute involves: 2. The issues to be resolved or the questions to be answered through conciliation are: 3. The claims and remedies that the parties seek are: Parties initials ____________ ______________
117 Individual Party Information Page 1 of 3 The information provided on this form will be used in accordance with the confidentiality provisions set forth in Rules 16 and 17 of the Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute for Christian Conciliation, for purposes of case administration and reconciler selection. This information will not be provided to the other party or to an adjudicator. A copy will be provided to a mediator, if the parties are pursuing mediation or mediation/adjudication. Each individual participating should complete this form. Date Submitted (Office use only) Date Processed (Office use only) Name Age Email _______________________ Phones: Work _________________ Cell/Home _________________ Fax ________________ Address __________________________________________________________________ Referred by (name & city) He/she is a: ¨ Former reconciliation client ¨ Pastor/Church leader ¨ Attorney ¨ Friend ¨ Other ____________________________ Attorney Firm Phone: __________________ Email _____________________ Fax _________________ Address __________________________________________________________________ Would you like your attorney copied on correspondence? ¨ Yes ¨ No Do we have permission to talk directly with your attorney? ¨ Yes ¨ No Has legal action been filed or is one likely to be filed in this situation? ¨ Yes ¨ No If yes, give dates and describe action below. Education (last level completed) Type/Major Occupation Employer Since Physical health: ¨ Very good ¨ Good ¨ Poor ¨ Recent major illness, injury, or disability (describe) Marital Status (mark all that apply): ¨ Divorced _____ times ¨ Now married _____ years ¨ Now separated _____ months Spouse’s Name Age Occupation Spouse’s Education (last level completed) Type/Major
118 ¨ Individual Party Information Page 2 of 3 Do you have any other advisors for this situation? ¨ Yes ¨ No If yes, please provide names and contact information below. Personal Religious Background We have found that religious background can have a significant impact on how one deals with conflict. In order for us to be sensitive to your personal convictions, it is helpful for us to receive the following information. Religion: ¨ None ¨ Christian ¨ Agnostic ¨ Other _____________________________ Please describe your religious upbringing: Do you believe in God? ¨ No ¨ Yes ¨ Uncertain ¨ If yes or uncertain: How often to you pray to God? ¨ Daily ¨ Weekly ¨ Occasionally ¨ Never Do you believe that when you die you will be with God eternally? ¨ No ¨ Yes ¨ Uncertain Why? Have there been any recent significant changes in your spiritual life? ¨ No ¨ Yes (describe below) How often to you read or study the Bible? ¨ Daily ¨ Weekly ¨ Occasionally ¨ Never What is your opinion of the Bible? ¨ I don’t know enough about the Bible to have an opinion. ¨ It is a book that contains helpful principles that I am free to follow or disregard as I think best. ¨ It is a book that was inspired by God and that contains helpful principles and instructions that I should follow unless I believe there is a good reason to do otherwise. ¨ It is a book that was inspired by God and that contains helpful principles, instructions, and commands that I should follow regardless of my feelings or preferences. ¨ Other: ______________________________________________________________________ Who, if anyone, has the most influence on your religious or spiritual life? (Please give names and relationships.) If you are affiliated with or under the authority of a particular church, please provide the following: Church Name Denomination Website address Phone: __________________ Email _____________________ Fax _________________ Address __________________________________________________________________ Pastor
119 Individual Party Information Page 3 of 3 Name Email _______________________ Phones: Work _________________ Cell/Home _________________ Fax ________________ Address __________________________________________________________________ If the other party is affiliated with or under the authority of a particular church, please provide the following: Church Name Denomination Website address Phone: __________________ Email _____________________ Fax _________________ Address __________________________________________________________________ Pastor Preliminary Statement of Issues and Remedies The following questions are designed to assist the Case Administrator in developing an Issues Statement for your case. The answers will also assist in appointing reconcilers who are gifted to your situation. A copy of your answers may be provided to the other party(ies). Please frame your responses in a conciliatory manner to promote dialogue with the conciliator and other party(ies). Use additional paper if necessary. Please describe your dispute or conflict in three of four sentences: What do you want the Case Administrator / Reconciler to do? The question(s) to be answered through conciliation are: The claims and/or remedies I seek are: Information about the other party.
120 Mediation Panel Approval Names of Parties ___________________________________ Case No. _______________ ___________________________________ We, the undersigned parties, having considered the disclosures of interest made by these individuals, hereby approve and accept these individuals as mediators in this dispute. 1. ____________________________________________ 2. ____________________________________________ 3. ____________________________________________ Signed ____________________________________ Date ____________________ Signed ____________________________________ Date ____________________ Accepted by Date Administrator
121 Mediation Agenda Greetings and ground rules Opening statement Story telling Problem identification and clarification Explore solutions Lead to agreement Ground Rules • Communicate respectfully (Ephesians 4:29, 32). • Open and honest communication. o “Let your yes be yes” (Matthew 5:37). o “Speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). o Being honest about one’s own contribution to the conflicts, including sin (1 John 1:9; James 5:16). • No interruptions, except by the reconciler(s) (Matthew 7:12; James 1:19). • For Private Meetings o Focus on those present in the private meeting. o Any new accusations about someone not present will be brought back and shared so that the individual spoken about may respond (Matthew 18:15). • No assuming motives (1 Corinthians 13:7). o Instead, ask. o Only God truly knows another person’s heart (Psalm 44:21; 94:11). • Anyone may request a break anytime. o Without being disruptive. Private Meetings Anyone may request at any time
122 Greetings and Ground Rules o Welcome and introductions o Commend and encourage the parties. Remind them whose they are (1 John 3:1). Assure them of God’s promises (He will never leave nor forsake you; Jesus will be with you always; & Romans 8:1). o Have everyone introduce themselves o Agree on schedule o Describe mediation agenda (“GOSPEL”) o Greeting and ground rules o Opening statements o Story telling o Problem identification and clarification o Explore solutions o Lead to agreement o Explain the use of private meetings o Clarify roles of mediators and advisors o Explain ground rules: o Communicate respectfully (no name-calling) o Honesty: We will speak the truth in love o No interruptions (exception for reconcilers) o Private meetings: Focus on those in the meeting. Accusations against others will be shared w/ them. o No assuming motives o Anyone may request a break or a private meeting (but no disruptive departures) o Ask if parties would like to add any ground rules o Ask for commitment to follow ground rules o Commend parties on their second agreement (agreed to mediation and agreed to ground rules) o Other comments: o Reconcilers are not acting as legal advisors (even if one or more is an attorney) o Parties should focus on their own responsibilities o Mediation is considered settlement negotiations and may not be used for discovery purposes o Confidentiality: We will not discuss this matter with outsiders unless they have a legitimate need to know (i.e., church leader, spouse, etc.) o Recording is not allowed (Rule 16A) o Parties may not ask reconcilers to testify in any subsequent court hearing o Parties will make final decision o Parties will file legal documents o Brief devotional (Scripture and prayer) Opening statements o “We would like each of you to make a brief opening statement. In two or three sentences, briefly describe your hopes & expectations for today. Remember that you will be able to go into more detail later.” o Choose who begins. Plan to alternate who begins in each section, especially story telling. Story telling o “We are now moving into the story-telling phase. Our goal is to gather and clarify information so that everyone can better understand what has happened and what can be done to resolve this matter. We will begin with _________ [choose who begins].” o Remind parties of commitment to ground rules o Alternate speakers (gives opportunity to be heard) o Summarize, clarify, and take careful notes o Ask parties to paraphrase what the other has said o Ask parties to identify each other’s possible interests o “Open” questions at first; “closed” questions later o Diffuse barbed comments o Ask for specific examples when given generalities o Use clarifying and reflecting (paraphrasing) questions o Pay attention also to the person who is not speaking o Watch your own body language o Encourage and commend confession o When confession occurs, pronounce God’s forgiveness o Take breaks when necessary Use Private Meetings o “We’ve been talking for quite a while. I’d like to take a few minutes to talk privately with each side.” o Explain limits on confidentiality o If possible, take party out of main meeting room o Give an assignment to the other party o Keep private meetings as short as possible o Keep them balanced (talk to both sides) o Focus the discussion on the party who is present o Begin: “How do you think things are going so far?” o Draw attention to positive accomplishments o Ask party to clarify issues, positions and interests o Encourage needed confession o Announce God’s forgiveness using Scripture whenever one begins to show repentance o Ask “what-if” and “if-then” questions o Coach the party for the next step o Close in prayer Problem Identification and Clarification o “Now that we have heard both your stories, let’s see if we can clarify what issues we need to resolve today.” o Summarize confessions, forgiveness and concessions o Ask each party to identify an issue that needs to be resolved (alternate between parties) o Use flip chart to record a list of issues o Distinguish between material & personal issues o Note some issues are sub-issues of larger issues o Help the parties prioritize issues Mediator’s Checklist Page 1 of 2
123 Problem Identification and Clarification (cont.) o Distinguish issues, positions, and interests o Issue: an identifiable and concrete question o Position: a desired outcome o Interest: what really motivates people o Help parties identify interests on key issues Exploring Solutions o “Let’s review what we have done so far. You have shared your perspectives on the conflict, which has allowed us to clarify some misunderstandings and resolve a few personal matters. We then identified the key issues and your major interests. You have already started to develop ideas for meeting some of those interests [give examples]. Are you ready to begin working on a solution to this problem?” o Focus first on personal issues and alternate with material issues as necessary for progress. o Deal with sin issues through gentle confrontation, repentance, confession, forgiveness, and restitution o Negotiate material issues o Four rules of brainstorming o No judging o Strive for quantity, not quality o Be wild and creative o Hitch-hiking is encouraged o Evaluate options objectively and reasonably o Use Scripture, facts, experts, or precedent o Separate discussion of material and personal issues o Encourage parties to be specific o Use clarifying questions o Make sure that all issues are all on the table o Look for admissions, hidden/conditional offers o Note small positive steps and agreements o If you bog down on substance, negotiate on process Leading to Agreement o “We have discussed several options and have begun to identify your preferred solutions. Are you ready to move toward a final agreement?” o Summarize confessions and ask parties to forgive (use Pronouncing God’s Forgiveness. o Look for any unresolved offenses o Summarize any agreements made earlier and clarify any details needed o Ask, “Why do you support this agreement?” o Write out the agreement using “RESTORE.” The agreement should address issues and underlying causes, anticipate future events and problems, include a conciliation clause, be balanced and positive, and be signed by parties (but not mediators) Closing o Close on a positive and honest note o Praise God for his work o Commend parties for progress and agreements o Gently admonish where further progress is needed o Review what will happen next o Prepare parties to explain results to others o Invite parties to make brief closing statement o Close with time of prayer Pre-Mediation o Pre-mediation coaching and prayer with parties o Determine who will be involved (encourage church involvement) o Parties complete pre-mediation homework o Review Guidelines for Christian Conciliation and cover key Rules o Have parties complete all required forms o Review the Agenda and Ground Rules with each party o Prepare personally – prayer, study and reflection Mediation Tools o Bible and Scripture reference guide o Forgiven to Forgive devotion booklet o Coaching bookmarks o Catechism and hymnal familiar to both parties o Confession & Forgiveness and/or The Peacemaker o Pronouncing God’s Forgiveness pamphlets o Guidelines for Christian Conciliation o Signed agreements (copies for parties) o Client Information forms (copy for each reconciler) o All necessary forms (issue statement, approval of arbitration panel, memorandum of agreement, etc.) Room Set-up o General environment is private, clean, uncluttered o Overall disability access o Table (preferably round) and comfortable chairs (enough chairs for all people) o Extra room for private meetings o Coffee, water, mugs, glasses o Snacks (fruit, rolls, cookies, mints) o Flip chart and markers o Prepare flip chart – Agenda & Ground Rules o Tissues o Notepads and pens for everyone o Accessible restroom and telephonCultivating Lifestyles of Reconciliation Ambassadors of Reconciliation ! P.O. Box 81662 ! Billings, MT 59108-1662 USA ! phone 844/447-2671 ! www.aorhope.org Rev. 12/2024 Mediator’s Checklist Page 2 of 2
124 Separating Issues, Positions, and Interests 1. Identify an issue (in the form of a question that can be answered by either party): 2. Identify two positions on the issue: Party A Party B 3. Identify the interests that underlie the positions, noting those that are unique to one party and those that are common to both parties: Interests of Party A Common Interests Interests of Party B
125 Sample Memorandum of Agreement Form We, the undersigned parties, have used mediation to resolve a dispute. On [date], we reached the following Settlement Agreement, which is a complete and final settlement of this dispute. [Substance of agreement, applying the components of RESTORE] We acknowledge that the only role the reconcilers have played in the preparation of this Agreement has been to transcribe our own agreement into writing. We agree that everything said and written during the mediation process will remain confidential, unless stated otherwise in this Agreement or in our original Mediation Agreement. We further agree as follows: 1. Any dispute arising from the implementation of this Agreement shall be settled by mediation and, if necessary, legally binding arbitration, in accordance with The Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute for Christian Conciliation (available at www.AoRHope.org.org); judgment upon an arbitration award may be entered in any court otherwise having jurisdiction. ____Yes ____No 2. We intend that this Agreement will be legally enforceable and admissible as evidence in any judicial or administrative proceeding that is directly related to this dispute. ____Yes ____No If any documents are needed to close or dismiss a pending legal action related to this dispute, they will be drafted and filed by [name of attorney], attorney for [name of party whose attorney will draft and file the documents]. Before signing this agreement, you are advised to have it reviewed by your own independent legal counsel. Signed_________________________________________ Date_______________ Signed_________________________________________ Date_______________ Signed_________________________________________ Date_______________ Signed_________________________________________ Date_______________
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127 Appendix B Sample Mediation Statements Sample Mediation Statements Greetings and Ground Rules for a Mediation .......................................... 128 Transition Statements for GOSPEL Agenda ........................................... 131 Memorandum of Agreement Checklist .................................................... 133
128 Sample reconciler greetings and ground rules for a Mediation I appreciate your coming here today to this mediation. I commend you for your willingness to participate in this process. You are here as Christian brothers and sisters to resolve your differences in a way that honors God, promotes justice and genuine reconciliation, and benefits everyone involved. I remind you of what the Apostle John wrote about our identify: “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are” (1 John 3:1). Our Lord Jesus promises to be with us always, and He is present with us today. Before we get started, I would like us to get to know one another a little better. Let’s take a minute to introduce ourselves. I’ll being, and then we’ll go around the table, starting with _________. Please give your name let us know how to refer to you. Briefly tell us about your family and explain what your work vocation is. [Introduce yourself first to demonstrate what you are looking for. After introductions are complete, continue.] Although I shared with each of you about the agenda and ground rules, I would like to review what you can expect in today’s meeting. [Refer to GOSPEL agenda written on a flip chart or handout.] As you can see, we are currently in “Greetings and ground rules.” We have already made our introductions, and now we are reviewing the process on our agenda. Next, we will establish some basic ground rules, and have a brief devotional. After that, we will move to “Opening statement” where each of you will give your statement. Then, we will move into the “Story telling” phase, where each of you will have an opportunity to explain your perspective on this situation. As your stories unfold, we will start “Problem identification and clarification.” During this part, we will identify the issues you want to address and begin to clarify them. Next we will move into “Explore solutions,” the problem-solving stage. As we work through the issues, we’ll come to “Lead to agreement.” Here is where we will work together to find mutually agreeable solutions to your differences. As you reach agreement, we will document them in a “Memorandum of Understanding.” Throughout the process, you may request a private meeting with me as your mediator. A private meeting may be needed if you feel upset, need to express a strong concern, or want to bounce an idea around. Each person will be given an equal time for a private meeting. Feel free to ask for a private meeting any time you feel the need. As your reconciler, I may also request time for a private meeting. In this meeting, I may talk about where you are in the process, how you are feeling, answer any questions you have, or help prepare you for the next step. In some cases, I may also encourage you to consider taking a particular action. Or, I may ask you to re-examine your words or behavior in the light of Scripture. It is preferable that you do not read this particular sample in your mediation, but rather use it as an example to formulate your own opening. Personalize for your style, but include the key components as outlined above.
129 It is my understanding that everyone can meet today until ________ . Is that correct? [Pause to get agreement from each party.] If we do not get all these things accomplished today, we will continue as scheduled tomorrow at _________. My role as your reconciler in this case is to guide you in reaching an agreement. I will not make the decisions for you. I may offer instruction, ask questions, and make suggestions, but the final responsibility for resolving this dispute belongs to you as parties. Each of you will also decide whether you will confess any wrongs and forgive any offenses. Although my job is to serve as an impartial facilitator, I am also here to serve you by pointing you to Christ. I will remind you of what God through Christ has done for you, and I will encourage you to respond to His love for you. [If you are an attorney, explain that as a reconciler you are not acting as a legal or technical advisor for either party. If you are a denominational leader or the pastor of a party, indicate that you are not there as an advocate, but as a reconciler and spiritual advisor.] I want to remind you about part of Rule 16 in the Rules of Procedure that states, “all communications that take place during the conciliation process shall be treated as settlement negotiations and shall be strictly confidential and inadmissible for any purpose in a court of law, except as provided in this Rule.” In addition, you cannot ask me to testify in any court proceeding related to this case. Do you have any questions about today’s agenda or the general process we are going to follow? [Pause to answer questions, then continue.] I would like to establish a few ground rules to guide us in our working together today [point to each ground rule as it is explained]. First, I ask that we talk in a respectful manner. As Paul urges us in Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Second, I expect everyone to be honest and to give full and complete information on the issues we are discussing. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:37, “Let what you say be simply ‘yes’ or ‘no;’ anything more than this comes from evil.” It is also important that you speak as specifically as possible and avoid using broad generalizations. Third, I ask that you not interrupt one another. If you hear something you disagree with, instead of interrupting, please write your concerns on the note pad in front of you so you can bring the matter up when it is your turn to speak. As the reconciler, I Although you should have gained prior agreement on the schedule, it is important to confirm your ending time.
130 may interrupt someone to enforce ground rules, to clarify something, or because of time constraints. Fourth, I want to explain an important rule for private meetings. During a private meeting, the other party will be out of the room and unable to respond to what might be said against him. Therefore, when I meet with either of you privately, we will try to focus our discussion on the people who are present in the room. If you make any charges against the other person, I will expect you to repeat your statement when we come back together so that the other person can respond to it. Next, avoid speculating on another person’s motives. Scripture teaches us that only God can see into another’s heart. If you have a concern about a person’s motive, ask. Don’t assume. Finally, anyone can request a break at any time. However, please refrain from disruptive departures, which are another form of interrupting. If you need a break, just ask me if we can adjourn for a little while. The restrooms are located _________, and there is a phone available _______. Would either of you like to suggest additional ground rules? [Pause and respond if necessary.] Do you both agree to follow these ground rules? [Look at each party until you have verbal acknowledgment.] Great! I commend you both. You have now reached a second agreement in this process. You made your first agreement when we planned to come together here, and now you have agreed on the ground rules. Hopefully, these initial agreements will lead to agreements on the issues that brought us together today. You may see me take notes. These are to help me listen and refer back to you later in the mediation. These are my personal notes will not be shared with anyone else. Do you have any questions? Let’s take a moment to look at God’s Word and ask his blessing on our meeting together. [Plan a brief devotion that includes a reading from Scripture and a prayer. But be careful—DO NOT PREACH!]
131 Opening statements of parties Transition Statement “We have now finished the first part of our process, Greetings and ground rules. Next, I would like to have you each provide your opening statement. In one or two sentences, answer, “What are your hopes and expectations for today?” We will begin with __________.” Story Telling Transition Statement “We are now moving into the story-telling phase. Our goal is to gather and clarify information so that everyone can better understand what has happened and what can be done to resolve this matter. Note that story telling is also for story listening. As you hear each other’s story, listen to understand the other person. Remember the ground rule to not interrupt. We will begin with _________ [choose who begins].” Problem Identification and Clarification Transition Statement “Now that we have heard both your stories, let’s see if we can clarify the issues we need resolve today.” Exploring Solutions Transition Statement “Let’s review what we have done so far. You have shared your perspectives on the conflict, which has allowed us to clarify some misunderstandings and resolve a few personal matters. We then identified the key issues and your major interests. You have already started to develop ideas for meeting some of those interests [give examples]. Are you ready to begin working on a solution to this problem?” Lead to Agreement Transition Statement “We have discussed several options and have begun to identify your preferred solutions. Are you ready to move toward a final agreement?”
132 Calling for and starting a private meeting Transition Statement “We’ve been talking for quite a while. I’d like to take a few minutes to meet privately with each side.” When you call for a private meeting, it is generally wise to announce the meeting in a casual manner (so as not to imply that some major problem just developed). A good start to any private meeting is to ask, “How do you think it is going so far?” The party’s first response will give you insight into that party’s positions and interests.
133 Memorandum of Agreement Checklist A “Memorandum of Agreement” should always seek to RESTORE: • Reference to Scripture citations and biblical principles. • Evidence of reconciliation and agreement. • Specific description. • Time frame for completing agreed upon responsibilities. • Outline of process for resolving undecided issues. • Review with attorneys or acknowledge opportunity to do so. • Enforcement through a conciliation clause.
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135 Appendix C Scripture References for Mediation The Ten Commandments ........................................................................ 136 Negligence / Causing Harm to Neighbor / Restitution ............................. 137 Stealing / Embezzlement / Coveting / Deceit / Restitution ................... 137 Misuse of Another’s Property .................................................................. 139 Abuse of Authority ................................................................................... 139 Respect Authority .................................................................................... 140 Marriage .................................................................................................. 141 Lies / Deceit / Keeping Your Word .......................................................... 143 Gossip / Slander ...................................................................................... 144 Anger ....................................................................................................... 146 Trust and Fear ......................................................................................... 147 Confession and Forgiveness ................................................................... 148 Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness .............................................................. 150
136 Scripture References for Mediation This is only a sample of Scriptural references that may be used in Mediation. Be careful to review the context of each passage you quote to make certain that you are not misapplying Scripture. You may find other Scriptures in topical indexes, concordances, commentaries, search engines (within Bible apps), and the Internet. Also refer to the Conflict Coaching cards and the Conflict Coaching Summary Guide. The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:1-17; see also Deuteronomy 5:1-21) 1And God spoke all these words, saying, 2”I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. 3You shall have no other gods before me. 4You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. 5You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, 6but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments. 7You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain. 8Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shall you labor, and do all your work, 10but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. 11For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. 12Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you. 13You shall not murder. 14You shall not commit adultery. 15You shall not steal. 16You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. 17You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s.
137 Negligence / Causing Harm to Neighbor / Restitution “When you build a new house, you shall make a parapet for your roof, that you may not bring the guilt of blood upon your house, if anyone should fall from it” (Deuteronomy 22:8). "When a man opens a pit, or when a man digs a pit and does not cover it, and an ox or a donkey falls into it, the owner of the pit shall make restitution. He shall give money to its owner, and the dead beast shall be his” (Exodus 21:33-34). “If a man causes a filed or vineyard to be grazed over, or lets his beast loose and it feeds in another man’s field, he shall make restitution from the best in his own field and his own vineyard” (Exodus 22:5). “If fire breaks out and catches in thorns so that the stacked grain or the standing grain or the field is consumed, he who started the fire shall make full restitution” (Exodus 22:6). Stealing / Embezzlement / Coveting / Deceit / Restitution “You shall not steal” (Exodus 20:15; see also Deuteronomy 5:19). “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor” (Exodus 20:16; see also Deuteronomy 5:20). “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s” (Exodus 20:17; see also Deuteronomy 5:21). “The LORD spoke to Moses, saying, ‘If anyone sins and commits a breach of faith against the LORD by deceiving his neighbor in a matter of deposit or security, or through robbery, or if he has oppressed his neighbor or has found something lost and lied about it, swearing falsely—in any of all the things that people do and sin thereby—if he has sinned and has realized his guilt and will restore what he took by robbery or what he got by oppression or the deposit that was committed to him or the lost thing that he found or anything about which he has sworn falsely, he shall restore it in full and shall add a fifth to it, and give it to him to whom it belongs on the day he realizes his guilt’” (Leviticus 6:1-5). “You shall not steal; you shall not deal falsely; you shall not lie to one another” (Leviticus 19:11).
138 “You shall do no wrong in judgement, in measures of length or weight or quantity” (Leviticus 19:35). “The wicked borrows but does not pay back, but the righteous is generous and gives” (Psalm 37:21). “There are six things that the LORD hates, seven that are an abomination to him; haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers” (Proverbs 6:16-19). “It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay” (Ecclesiastes 5:5). “Woe to those who devise wickedness and work evil on their beds! When the morning dawns, they perform it, because it is in the power of their hand. They covet fields and seize them, and houses, and take them away; they oppress a man and his house, a man and his inheritance” (Micah 2:1-2). “[Jesus said,] ‘For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander” (Matthew 15:19). “And [Jesus] said to them, ‘Take care, and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions” (Luke 12:15). “And Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, ‘Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold” (Luke 19:8). “But sin, seizing an opportunity through the commandment, produced in me all kinds of covetousness” (Romans 7:8). “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry” (Colossians 3:5). “Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hand, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need” (Ephesians 4:28). “But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content. But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs” (1 Timothy 6:8-10).
139 “If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat. For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies. Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living” (2 Thessalonians 3:10b-12). “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death” (James 1:14-15). Misuse of Another’s Property “You shall not steal” (Exodus 20:15; see also Deuteronomy 5:19). “Whoever takes an animal’s life shall make it good, life for life” (Leviticus 24:18). “If a man borrows anything of his neighbor, and it is injured or dies, the owner not being with it, he shall make full restitution” (Exodus 22:14). Abuse of Authority “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12; see also Deuteronomy 5:16; this commandment requires one to exercise authority according to God’s direction). “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:25-28; see also verses 29-33). “Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is not partiality with him” (Ephesians 6:9). “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19). “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21; see also Ephesians 6:4). “Masters, treat your bondservants justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven” (Colossians 4:1). “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness” (James 3:1).
140 “So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock” (1 Peter 5:1-3). Respect Authority Parents and Elderly “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12; see also Deuteronomy 5:16). “You shall stand up before the gray head and honor the face of an old man, and you shall fear your God: I am the LORD” (Leviticus 19:32). “Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old” (Proverbs 23:22). “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord” (Colossians 3:20; see also Ephesians 6:1-3). “Honor widows who are truly widows. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God” (1 Timothy 5:3-4). Husbands and Wives “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (Ephesians 5:22-24). “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Colossians 3:18). As noted in Abuse of Authority, for husbands, see Ephesians 5:25-33 and Colossians 3:19. Servants, Masters, Employees, Managers, and Employers “Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. For
141 the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality” (Colossians 3:22-25; see also Ephesians 6:5-8). “Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly” (1 Peter 2:18-19). Civil Authorities “We must obey God rather than men” (Acts 5:29). “Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment…. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience” (Romans 13:1-2, 5). “Pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed, revenue to whom revenue is owed, respect to whom respect is owed, honor to whom honor is owed” (Romans 13:7). “Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work” (Titus 3:1). “Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you should put to silence the ignorance of foolish people. Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor” (1 Peter 2:13-17). Spiritual Leaders “We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work” (1 Thessalonians 5:12-13). “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you” (Hebrews 13:17) Marriage “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14; see also Deuteronomy 5:18).
142 “[Jesus said,] ‘You have heard that it was said, “You shall not commit adultery.” But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart’” (Matthew 5:27-28). “[Jesus said,] ‘For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander” (Matthew 15:19). “[Jesus said,] ‘But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate’” (Mark 10:6-9; see also Matthew 19:4-6). “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does” (1 Corinthians 7:4). “[Submit] to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior…. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:21-23, 25). “Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry” (Colossians 3:5). Husbands “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” (Ephesians 5:25-28; see also verses 29-33). “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them” (Colossians 3:19). “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7). Wives “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands” (Ephesians 5:22-24).
143 “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (Colossians 3:18). “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (1 Peter 3:1-2). Lies / Deceit / Keeping Your Word “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor” (Exodus 20:16; see also Deuteronomy 5:20). “If a man vows a vow to the LORD, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth” (Numbers 30:2). “O LORD, who shall sojourn in your tent? Who shall dwell on your holy hill? He who walks blamelessly and does what is right and speaks truth in his heart; who does not slander with his tongue and does no evil to his neighbor, nor takes up a reproach against his friend; in whose eyes a vile person is despised, but who honors those who fear the LORD; who swears to his own hurt and does not change” (Psalm 15:1-4). “There are six things that the LORD hates, seven that are an abomination to him; haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers” (Proverbs 6:16-19). “Whoever speaks the truth gives honest evidence, but a false witness utters deceit. There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing…. Deceit is in the heart of those who devise evil, but those who plan peace have joy” (Proverbs 12:17-18, 20). “Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD; but those who act faithfully are his delight” (Proverbs 12:22). “A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will not escape” (Proverbs 19:5). “But a man named Ananias, with his wife Sapphira, sold a piece of property, and with his wife’s knowledge he kept back for himself some of the proceeds and brought only a part of it and laid it at the apostles’ feet” (Act 5:1-2; see also verses 3-11). “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another” (Ephesians 4:25).
144 “[Jesus said,] ‘Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.” But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black. Let what you say be simply “Yes” or “No”; anything more than this comes from evil’” (Matthew 5:33-37). “But above all, my brothers, do not swear either by heaven or by earth of by any other oath, but let your ‘yes’ be yes and your ‘no’ no, so that you may not fall under condemnation” (James 5:12). “So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander” (1 Peter 2:1). Gossip / Slander “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor” (Exodus 20:16; see also Deuteronomy 5:20). “You shall not go around as a slanderer among your people, and you shall not stand up against the life of your neighbor: I am the LORD” (Leviticus 19:16). “There are six things that the LORD hates, seven that are an abomination to him; haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers” (Proverbs 6:16-19). “Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense, but a man of understanding remains silent” (Proverbs 11:12). “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered” (Proverbs 11:13). “Whoever speaks the truth gives honest evidence, but a false witness utters deceit. There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:17-18). “Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD; but those who act faithfully are his delight” (Proverbs 12:22). “A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who breathes out lies will not escape” (Proverbs 19:5). “Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets; therefore do not associate with a simple babbler” (Proverbs 20:19).
145 “For lack of wood a fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases” (Proverbs 26:20). “[Jesus said,] ‘Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye’” (Matthew 7:1-5). “[Jesus said,] ‘For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander” (Matthew 15:19). “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15). “Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven” (Luke 6:37). “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another” (Ephesians 4:25). “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice” Ephesians 4:29-31. “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless” (James 1:26). “For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things” (James 3:2-5a). “How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My
146 brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water (James 3:5b-12). “Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?” (James 4:11-12). “So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander” (1 Peter 2:1). Anger “You shall not murder” (Exodus 20:13; see also Deuteronomy 5:17). • “[Jesus said,] ‘You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.” But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, “You fool!” will be liable to the hell of fire’” (Matthew 5:21-22). • “[Jesus said,] ‘For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander” (Matthew 15:19). • “We should not be like Cain, who was of the evil one and murdered his brother. And why did he murder him? Because his own deeds were evil and his brother’s righteous…. Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him” (1 John 3:12, 15). “A man of quick temper acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated” (Proverbs 14:17). “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). “A man of wrath stirs up strife, and one given to anger causes much transgression” (Proverbs 29:22). “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them” (Romans 12:14). “Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all” (Romans 12:17). “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is
147 hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:19-21). “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil” (Ephesians 4:26-27). “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:29-32). “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20). Trust and Fear “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). “Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. (Proverbs 3:5-8) “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe” (Proverbs 29:25). “But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31). “But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
148 I have called you by name, you are mine” (Isaiah 43:1. “Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life” (Isaiah 43:4). “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9). “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it” (Isaiah 55:10-11). “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (Matthew 6:25-34). “[Jesus said,] ‘Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7). “I can do all things through him who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13).
149 Confession and Forgiveness “David said to Nathan, ‘I have sinned against the LORD.’ And Nathan said to David, ‘The LORD also has put away your sin; you shall not die’” (2 Samuel 12:13). “Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit” (Psalm 32:1-2). “For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,’ and you forgave the iniquity of my sin” (Psalm 32:3-5). “Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me” (Psalm 51:5). “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Psalm 51:17). Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. (Psalm 103:1-5) “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.” (Psalm 103:8-10) “For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west,
150 so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. (Psalm 103:11-14) If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared. (Psalm 130:4-5) “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy” (Proverbs 28:13). “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death” (2 Corinthians 7:10). “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16). “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us” (1 John 1:8-10). Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness Insert the person’s name as you read the verse. “Blessed is [Name] whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is [Name] against whom the LORD counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit” (Psalm 32:1-2). “[Name,] As far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove [your] transgressions from [you]. Psalm 103:12 “But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O [Name], he who formed you, O [Name]: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine” (Isaiah 43:1). “Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life” (Isaiah 43:4).
151 “But he was pierced for [Name’s] transgressions; he was crushed for [Name’s] iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought [Name] peace, and with his wounds [Name] [is] healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of [Name]” (Isaiah 53:5-6). “For I will forgive [Name’s] iniquity, and I will remember [his/her] sin no more” (Jeremiah 31:34). “[Jesus said,] ‘For God so loved [Name], that he gave his only Son, that [as Name] believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn [Name], but in order that [Name] might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God’” (John 3:16-18). “There is therefore now no condemnation for [Name] who [is] in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him [Name] might become the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:21).’ “In him [Name] [has] redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of [his/her] trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon [him/her], in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth” (Ephesians 1:7-10). “For by grace [Name] [has] been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9). “But now in Christ Jesus [Name] who once [was] far off [has] been brought near by the blood of Christ” (Ephesians 2:13). “Knowing that [Name] [was] ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot” (1 Peter 1:18-19). “[Name,] He himself bore [your] sins in his body on the tree, that [you] might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds [, Name,] you have been healed” (1 Peter 2:24). “The blood of Jesus his Son cleanses [Name] from all sin” (1 John 1:7).
152 “See what kind of love the Father has given to [Name], that [you] should be called [a child] of God; and so [you] are” (1 John 3:1).
153 Notes