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1 Prepared by the Windham County Prevention Partnership June 2018, Revised January 2024

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3 “You can never be TOO supportive!” - Anonymous BUHS Student Introduction You are likely the most important and significant protective factor for the LGBTQ+ youth in your life. Throughout this guide, LGBTQ+ will generally be used. Youth who identify as gender and sexually diverse, and the caregivers who support them, continue to face systemic disenfranchisement and barriers. They are also likely to possess incredible strength, joy, resilience, and form many community connections. The pages that follow include essential information that most caregivers do not have when their child comes out as gender and/or sexually diverse — simply because it’s not an area most people look into until it touches upon their lives. Knowing the facts and best guidance can make an enormous difference for you and your child. We believe ALL caregivers can meet these challenges with compassion, understanding, and education. When some caregivers learn that their child or youth is exploring their gender and/or sexuality, or identifies as LGBTQ+, this can be a celebratory time with pride, excitement, and joy. This awareness can create a deeper bond with the youth in your life, and all that is yet to come, together. For other caregivers, becoming aware of this, especially if they were unaware of this truth and never expected the possibility, may be initially confusing, induce worry, and foster concerns. Sometimes, caregivers experience a combination of all of these emotions. You are not alone! There are many youth and families such as yours.

4 To create this handout, we spoke with almost two dozen students from the Queer Straight Alliances at Brattleboro Union High School and Leland and Gray Union Middle and High School. To protect their privacy no students are quoted directly (except for the anonymous quote on the previous page). We also received feedback from Equity Solutions, a training and consultancy group dedicated to addressing poverty and economic inequality through an equity lens. This guide is in no way exhaustive. The LGBTQ+ communities are not a monolith – they are expansive and diverse beyond measure, especially when you consider all of the possibilities and intersections of cultural identity including, but not limited to, religion/spirituality, socioeconomic status, ethnicity and heritage, disability/ability status, and more. Please see the end of this guide for a comprehensive list of additional links to resources we’ve compiled. For clarity, specific definitions are taken from a variety of sources including: PFLAG, GLSEN, GenderSpectrum.org, the UCF Social Justice and Advocacy group, and other established resources. This guide was updated in 2023 by the WCPP LGBTQ+ Youth Event Coordinators. Honoring the language people use to describe themselves is an important part of being in community with others. As you embark on learning terms commonly associated with LGBTQ+ communities, remember that more than memorizing words, you are working towards acknowledging and honoring people. Words shape our interactions with and understanding of others. Using affirming language matters. Below are a few terms commonly used within gender and sexually diverse communities. Keep in mind that some of these terms may have slightly different interpretations depending on who you ask. And that's ok! We need to RESPECT how teens, and everyone, wants us to refer to them and how they see themselves. We can't just assume! It is also important to know that people have different feelings about some of these terms, across generations and cultures, with ever shifting views, perspectives, and experiences. All have a right to define themselves using the language that fits best for them. We can honor our teens and others by mirroring the language they use for themselves and correcting ourselves when and if we get it wrong.

5 Let’s start with the acronym LGBTQIA2S+. This is used as an umbrella term for people who have sexual orientations and/or gender identities that are not exclusively heterosexual and/or cisgender. There are MANY variations on this (LGBTQ+, QT+, QTBIPOC) that you will see in use in society. The most inclusive and expansive acronym in use today is: L G B T Q I A2S+ Lesbian Gay Bisexual or Bigender Trans/Transgender Queer/Questioning Intersex** Asexual/Agender Two-Spirit* Additional Identities * Two-Spirit: Traditionally, Indigenous and First Nation two-spirit people were male, female, and sometimes intersexed individuals who combined activities of both men and women with traits unique to their status as two-spirit people. Within many communities, they were considered neither men nor women; they occupied a distinct, alternative gender status. ** Intersex people, like anyone, can have any gender and any sexual orientation. Some intersex people are also LGBTQ+, and others are not. General trends and attitudes about grouping intersex movements with LGBTQ+ movements will vary. QTBIPOC It is important to highlight the acronym QTBIPOC that extends our understanding of the LGBTQ+ communities experiences. QTBIPOC stands for Queer, Trans, Black, Indigenous, People of Color. We know that QTBIPOC folks encompass some of the most marginalized members of the community, existing at the intersections of racism, sexism, patriarchy, ethnocentrism, xenophobia, queerphobia, and transphobia. Please see the end of this guide for a comprehensive list of additional links to resources we’ve compiled.

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7 Three Important Terms Assigned Sex at Birth A term which refers to how a medical professional labels babies when they are born. They may say a baby is male, female, or intersex, depending on what they observe and presume about the baby’s body. Some possibilities are: • Female/Assigned Female at Birth • Male/Assigned Male at Birth • Intersex Gender Identity A term that refers to the internal sense of being a woman, a man, neither, some combination of both, or an experience of two or more identities within and/or outside of the gender binary. Some possibilities are: • Woman (cis or trans) • Man (cis or trans) Genderqueer • Nonbinary • Genderfluid • Agender Gender Expression This typically involves how gender identity is shown to, or perceived by, the outside world through the way a person looks or acts. This may be the way a person expresses themselves with clothing, mannerisms, gestures, and communication style, among other aspects. Some possibilities are: • Masculine • Feminine • Androgynous • Genderqueer The Gender Spectrum replaces The Gender Binary The Gender Binary is a structural system in which gender is constructed into two strict categories of male or female and the presumption that everyone’s gender will fit neatly into those two exclusive categories. In the United States, one’s gender identity is presumed to align with the sex assigned at birth and gender roles which fit into traditional expectations. The Gender Spectrum refers to the concept that there are many gender identities (female, male, transgender, cisgender, genderqueer, nonbinary, two-spirit, etc.). It includes the concept that someone’s gender identity may not necessarily be one or the other. Instead, one’s gender identity may fit anywhere, nowhere, or be fluid, on an infinite spectrum of possibilities. The Gender Unicorn is a good, visual explanation of this idea. The gender spectrum includes all identities, including those who are cisgender identified.

8 Terms About Gender Identity Notice that many of these terms have similar or overlapping meanings. Always ask or mirror the terms a person uses for themself. Cisgender (Cis) - A word which can be used to describe people whose gender identity aligns with their assigned sex. Transgender (Trans) - An overarching term which can be used to describe people whose gender identity does not align with their assigned sex. Gender Expansive/Gender Diverse Terms For some cisgender and transgender people, the gender binary more or less reflects their innermost understanding of themselves. Other people may identify as “gender expansive” or “gender diverse”. Their experiences may not fit neatly into either male or female. For example, some people’s gender blends masculine and feminine qualities, or may be entirely different from masculinity or femininity. Some people don’t identify with any gender. There are many, many identities and expressions under the umbrellas of “gender expansive” and “gender diverse.” What unites these terms is an experience of gender which is not exclusively masculine or feminine. Gender expansive identities include nonbinary (sometimes spelled with a hyphen, i.e. “non-binary”), genderqueer, agender, bigender, genderfluid, and more. Nonbinary - an overarching term which generally describes someone who may define and experience their sex and/or gender outside of the male/female binary dichotomy. Gender Expansive - an overarching term which may describe someone whose gender identity and/or gender expression may expand beyond or does not conform to current cultural or social expectations of the binary gender options of being male or female only. Genderqueer - genderqueer people typically reject notions of limited categories of gender and embrace a fluidity of gender identity and often, though not always, sexual orientation. People who identify as genderqueer may see themselves as being both male and female, neither male nor female or as aligning completely outside of these categories all together. Genderfluid - a person who does not identify with a single fixed gender or displays flexibility in gender identity and expression. Genderfluid people may identify and express themselves as masculine, feminine, some combination of both, or neither.

9 Intersex - an umbrella term for differences in sex traits or reproductive anatomy. People are born with these differences or develop them at a young age. Genitalia, hormones, internal anatomy, or chromosomes can develop in many ways. Not all intersex people identify within the LGBTQ+ communities, though some do. Agender - a person who doesn't identify with any gender label or who doesn't use gender as part of their identity. Respecting Self-Identification Deadnaming - a term that describes the name assigned to a person at birth, which they no longer use. It can also be referred to as their old name. Misgender - To refer to someone with a word, especially a pronoun (like he, she, or it), that does not respect and affirm their gender identity. This might be done deliberately, like calling a genderqueer person “it” or a transwoman “he”. However, even when done accidentally, misgendering can be very hurtful. Remember that small painful acts can add up quickly. Questioning—When a person is unsure of their gender identity and/or sexual orientation. This is a very important term, especially for teens in the LGBTQ+ communities. For everyone, our teenage years are a critical time for discovering who we are and who we want to be. Heterosexual and/or cisgender teens are exploring their gender and sexual identity as well. It is important that we recognize that this time of exploration and discovery is natural and important. If we tell teens that this is “just a phase” or that “you’ll grow out of it,” we are not giving them the respect they deserve as human beings who are authentically discovering themselves. Instead we can show our support by saying things like: • “I know that this is a big time of change and discovery for you, so just know that I am here for you always.” • “I may never fully understand your experiences but know that I love you and support you and I’m committed to learning more.” Even if their gender identity or sexual orientation changes later, it is still true right now.

10 Pronouns Pronouns are words that take the place of nouns. Most people, whether they are cisgender, transgender, nonbinary, or gender expansive use pronouns for themselves. Some people use more than one set of pronouns, as in “I use she/her AND they/them pronouns”. Some people use their name in place of pronouns. Using the pronouns your teen asks you to use is one of the most important ways to support and affirm them. Here are some pronoun examples: She/Her/Hers • “Where is Jordan? I think this book belongs to her.” • “She is with her friend Terry. Yes, it is hers.” He/Him/His • “Where is Jordan? I think this book belongs to him?” • “He is with his friend Terry. Yes, it is his.” They/Them/Their - Used as a singular gender-neutral pronoun. • “Where is Jordan? I think this book belongs to them?” • “They are with their friend Terry. Yes, it is theirs.” Neopronouns A neopronoun can be a word created to serve as a pronoun without expressing gender, such as: “Xe/Ze” and “Zem/Zir”, “E/Em/Eirs”, or “Fae/Faer/Faers”, and the options are limitless. Xe/Xem/Xyr (Ze/Zem/Zeir) - the x is pronounced like a z. • “Where is Jordan? I think this book belongs to xem?” • “Xe is with xyr friend Terry. Yes, it is xyrs.” E/Em/Eirs • “Where is Jordan? I think this book belongs to em?” • “E is with eir friend Terry. Yes, it is eirs.” Fae/Faer/Faers • “Where is Jordan? I think this book belongs to faer?” • “Fae is with faer friend Terry. Yes, it is faers.” Multiple Pronouns (ex: she and they) • Where is Jordan? I think this book belongs to them?” • She is with their friend Terry. Yes, it is theirs. Name Used in Place of Pronouns • “Where is Jordan? I think this book belongs to Jordan?” • “Jordan is with Jordan’s friend Terry. Yes, it is Jordan’s.”

11 Terms About Sexual and Romantic Orientation Most people tend to have a sense of physical, emotional and romantic attraction to others. One’s sexual orientation describes the people to whom they are attracted to. Being cisgender, transgender, or gender diverse isn't linked to a specific sexual orientation. Again, notice that many of the following terms have similar or overlapping meanings. Always ask or mirror the terms a person uses for themself. Lesbian - a person who may form an emotional, sexual, or romantic attraction or relationship with female identified people. Women, nonbinary folks, and gender expansive people may use this term to describe themselves. This term has its historical roots to women who love women. Gay - a person who may form an emotional, sexual, or romantic attraction or relationship with male identified people. Men, nonbinary folks, and gender expansive people may use this term to describe themselves. This term has its historical roots to men who love men. It has also been used as a general term by others in the LGBTQ+ communities. Bisexual - a person who may form an emotional, sexual, or romantic attraction or relationship to more than one gender, historically presumed as an attraction to men and women. People of any gender identity may use this term to describe themselves. Queer - Defining queer can be very personal to each individual and its definition is ever evolving. It has often been used as an umbrella term to refer to any sexual orientation or gender identity that is not exclusively heterosexual and/or cisgender. • Note that the term ‘queer’ has historically been used as an insult by the dominant culture, media, and social institutions. For decades, people in the LGBTQ+ communities have been reclaiming this term (and other terms) and support its inclusivity. However, some people still find it problematic. Pansexual - a person who may form an emotional, sexual, or romantic attraction or relationship with people of various genders, whether within or outside of the gender binary. People of any gender identity may use this term to describe themselves. Asexual - a person who experiences little or no sexual attraction to others. Asexual people may identify somewhere on a spectrum that includes their emotional, spiritual and romantic attraction to other people. Demisexual - a person who may not experience romantic or sexual attraction until they have established a strong emotional connection to a person. Romantic Orientation Many people are recognizing that their romantic attraction to people and their sexual attraction to people do not 100% align. To show this, some people use the same beginnings as above, but with “romantic” as the root. (homoromantic, panromantic, heteroromantic, aromantic, etc.) • “I am heterosexual, panromantic.” = I am usually sexually attracted only to people of a different gender, but I may be romantically attracted to people of any gender.

12 LGBTQIA2S+ Youth and Suicide Risk While it is important to remember that the majority of gender and sexually diverse youth do not become suicidal, the rates of self-harm, suicidal thoughts/attempts, and death from suicide are disproportionately higher among LGBTQ+ youth than their heterosexual and/or cisgender peers. Increased rates of suicidality among LGBTQ+ youth are not due to a young person’s sexuality or gender identity. There is no inherent risk for suicide in being LGBTQ+. Suicide is a complex phenomenon with numerous risk factors. In many cases, experiences of discrimination, isolation from their family or community due to transphobia or homophobia, and accessing gender affirming healthcare are factors in LGBTQ+ youth suicidality. As caregivers, our teens need us to understand that we are the biggest protective factor. Along with affirming our LGBTQ+ youth, we must also know the warning signs and ways that we can intervene. Here are some of the important resources that are available for you: • Healthcare and Rehabilitation Services of Vermont (HCRS) 24/7 Crisis Line: For people in Windham and Windsor counties experiencing a mental health emergency and in need of an immediate response, call 1-800-622-4235 or visit hcrs.org • The Trevor Project - Preventing Suicide - thetrevorproject.org o Trevor Lifeline is a crisis intervention and suicide prevention phone service available 24/7 at 1-866-488-7386. o TrevorChat is a confidential online instant messaging with a Trevor Counselor, available 24/7, at trevorproject.org/get-help-now/. o TrevorText is a confidential text messaging with a Trevor Counselor, available 24/7/365, by texting START to 678678. o TrevorSpace is an affirming international community for LGBTQ young people ages 13-24 available at trevorspace.org. • Q Chat Space is a bully-free online community of LGBTQ+ teens that can chat with other LGBTQ+ teens and trained staff from LGBTQ+ centers around the country. qchatspace.org • It Gets Better Project - itgetsbetter.org • Talking About Suicide and LGBT Populations • The Jason Foundation: Community Assistance Resource Line - 1-877-778-CARL (2275) - Talk with a professional 24/7 for concerns about a young person or situation. Confidential and free. jasonfoundation.com • Trans Lifeline: 1-877-565-8868 or translifeline.org If your child is thinking/talking about suicide, they require immediate supports. For 24/7 crisis help, please call the HCRS Crisis Line: 1-800-622-4235 or the Trevor Lifeline: 1-866-488-7386

13 Fostering The Voices of Our Teens Teens need our Support We can support our teen’s sexual orientation and gender identity, even if we may not fully understand it. To do this we can: • Maintain support for ourselves, such as individual and family therapy with an informed and affirming provider, or by joining a local, regional, or national parent support group. National Network of LGBTQ Family Groups PFLAG Connects: Communities (Virtual Meetings) Outright Vermont – Trans Parent Group • Ask questions so you can grow your understanding, not to challenge your teens’ sense of self. • Use their gender affirming pronouns and name, whether they are around or not. Ask them if they would like you to engage friendly reminders with others who may misgender or deadname them, when appropriate. o “I noticed you referred to Jordan as she. Just a friendly reminder that Jordan uses they/them pronouns.” • Give them space to discover and be themselves, rather than demanding they be a certain way. o “Youth may wish to use different names and pronouns depending on the environment they are in, and whom they feel safe and secure with. • Accept, affirm, and embrace their identities, while respecting their right to autonomy, self-expression, and privacy. Teens need us to Work to Understand Generational differences between caregivers and their children is not a new phenomenon. Caregivers may struggle to resonate with the choices teens make: the music they listen to, the clothes they wear, or the slang and terms they use. Caregivers ought to work to understand and affirm WHO they are. • We will not always get it right, the fact that we are trying means a lot. Understanding is an ongoing process. We all have learning curves, and we are not done after one good talk with our teen. • Don’t look for blame. Instead celebrate your child for all that they are. Blame implies that something is wrong, and there is nothing wrong about the youth in your life simply because they are LGBTQ+ identified. There is no “cure”. It’s not something that needs to be “fixed”. Many of the hardships and challenges gender and sexually diverse youth and their families experience are systemic barriers and institutional challenges. o If you are scared that your teen might be targeted or hurt for being LGBTQ+ identified, that is a great motivation and reason to start working to make your own home and communities safe and accepting for all kids. Denying your teen's identity won't keep them safer!

14 Being LGBTQ+ identified doesn’t completely change who a person is. These are just some of the qualities that make up and represent who they are. The same is true for those who identify as cisgender and heterosexual. Just as your youth identifies and expresses their gender and sexuality, you too have been expressing your own individual qualities of gender identity, gender expression, and sexuality throughout your entire life. Teens need us to Educate Ourselves We need to learn more about LGBTQ+ culture, daily life and resilience, mental health and wellbeing challenges and outcomes, as well as monitoring the ongoing legislation and policy actions which aim to further disenfranchise these youth and families. This handout is only a jumping off point. • Listen! Listening to your teen is the best way to learn what their experiences are like. o You need to be careful not to dismiss their experiences, just because they are different from yours. o Refer to the resources listed throughout this guide and additional resource lists at the end of the guide. • Explore books and articles, watch movies, and listen to music that is not only LGBTQ+ informed and affirming, but also created by members of these communities. You will find many videos and websites that can be rewarding and resourceful. Remember that gender and sexually diverse communities are not a monolith and resources you explore reflect those specific experiences and perspectives. Ask your teen for their own suggestions! Just a few of the many pride flags, along with the straight ally flag. Left to Right: Inclusive progress flag, Transgender flag, Pansexual flag, Non-binary flag, Ally flag.

15 Teens need us to know about Dating There are many ways in which dating in LGBTQ+ communities are the same as it is for those who are cisgender or heterosexual identified, and there are some ways that it is different. Here are some things that are helpful for caregivers to remember. • Just because someone has previously dated people of one gender doesn't mean that they will only date people of that gender. o They might be bi/pansexual, exploring their sexuality, or finally coming out. Just ask! • We can use gender neutral language when asking about their romantic life. o “Are you seeing anyone?” instead of “Do you have a boyfriend?” o “You’re going on a date this weekend? Great! What’s their name?” o This is great to use for heterosexual teens too. It shows we are not mak-ing any assumptions. • Whatever term and pronouns our teen uses for the person they are dating, is the term we should use. o “Jessica? They are Jane’s partner.” • Being set up on a date by an adult is embarrassing, no matter what their gender is. o Just because you know of another LGBTQ+ youth through a friend, doesn’t mean your youth would be interested in them. This might be a caregiver trying to be TOO involved. Let your youth guide connections they want to make. Teens need us to know about School Life School culture changes over time. LGBTQ+ and QTBIPOC people may have differ-ent experiences than heterosexual and cisgender people in the school setting. We want to remind caregivers of organizations such as: GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network, the Trans Youth Equality Foundation, and the Trans Students Educational Resources organization, • School is not always a safe place for gender and sexually diverse youths, physi-cally or emotionally. They are assaulted and bullied at rates far higher than their heterosexual and cisgender peers. o Advocate for and support the Queer & Straight Alliance (QSA)/Gender & Sexuality Alliance (GSA) at your local schools. These groups have been shown to make schools safer and boost academic performance for gender and sexually diverse youth. o We can make our homes safe and supportive spaces for our teens. o You and your teen can learn about laws relating to LGBTQ+ issues in VT Schools at https:// sexetc.org/states/Vermont or at Lambda Legal.

16 • Being bullied is never our child’s fault. Just because our teen is “out” as LGBTQ+ doesn’t mean that it is their fault they are being bullied. o Being out takes courage and integrity, our teens may need to build their own self-advocacy skills. o For bullying specific resources, you may visit: https://www.stopbullying.gov/bullying/lgbtq • Not all teachers and staff may have the knowledge and understanding and need more additional training and resources, and some may not be supportive. It might be anything from misgendering a student to ignoring homophobic/transphobic slurs (or in some cases even USING these slurs). • We can stand up for our teens on these issues just as we would for any other issue. • LGBTQ+ people are rarely, if ever, represented in the lessons taught at school. • We can help our teens find historical figures, events, and media that represent them. When we do, know that we inspire them and educate ourselves. Here is a list to get you started: o GLSEN - LGBTQ History o OutHistory o GLSEN - 10 Latinx LGBT Icons o GLAAD - GLAAD Celebrates Black History Month o Pride - 18 LGBT Role Models in Sports • Health classes are usually taught with the assumption that everyone is heterosexual and/or cisgender identified. o Push for more inclusive sex education. Be aware of these knowledge gaps so that you can fill them yourself. o It may be challenging, but when we help our teens find sexual health information that f its who they are and what they are doing, we are helping them stay safe. Here are some resources you can use and share: Planned Parenthood - For Teens Scarleteen Sex, etc. Trans Youth Sexual Health Booklet Impact - Sex Ed. LGBTQ+ Youth Resources (Centers for Disease Control & Prevention). Safe and Supportive School Project (American Psychological Association). Trans Bodies, Trans Selves, book

17 Teens still need us to be Caregivers When teens identify as LGBTQ+, it doesn’t mean they stop being teenagers. They still need the protection, guidance, boundaries, and consequences that we would give to any teen. • There may be people in our lives who are harmful to LGBTQ+ people. Some of them are in our families, spiritual, and professional circles. If someone is not going to respect our teen’s identity, then we shouldn’t force our teens to be around them, no matter what our relationship is with that person. • We can still hold our youth accountable and support them when they make poor decisions, without being judgmental about it. o “I think person X is not a good person for you to date because of the way they treat you, NOT because of their gender. Let’s talk about what makes a healthy relationship.” o “It is crucial that if you are going to have sex, you have safe sex. Just because you and your partner won’t get pregnant, doesn’t mean there aren’t other risks involved. Let’s talk about what you can do.” • We can still set guidelines and consequences that are separate from their sexual and/or gender identity. o Coming home from a date after their curfew is a problem, no matter who they are on a date with. We can do this! In raising our teens we will have moments of success, of frustration, of heartache, and of joy. So when our heads are whirling and our emotions are rising, at least remember the following: 1) We treat youth with love and respect no matter what. 2) We ask, instead of assuming we know. 3) We are not perfect. When we make a mistake, we acknowledge it, we apologize, and we fix it. “Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.” —Bill Ayers

18 • The Trevor Project - Supporting Black LGBTQ Mental Health • Erasure and Resilience: The Experiences of LGBTQ Students of Color • The Black and African American LGBTQ Youth Report • The US Transgender Survey: Report on the Experiences of Black Respondents • Indian Health Services: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning, (LGBTQ) and Two-Spirit Health • The Audre Lorde Project • The Brown Boi Project • The National Black Justice Coalition • Black Transmen Inc. • Liberate: Black Meditation App • Phoenix Rising Centers • National Queer and Transgender Therapist of Color Network • Clinicians of Color Directory • Melanin and Mental Health Directory • Therapy for Black Girls Directory • National Asian American Pacific Islander Mental Health Association • Latinx Therapy QTBIPOC Specific Resources

19 • The Trevor Project • Human Rights Campaign – LGBTQ+ Youth Resources • PFLAG Booklet: Our Children • Trans Student Education Resources - The Gender Unicorn • Family Acceptance Project • Trans Youth Equality Foundation • Advocates for Youth – Are You an Askable Parent? • Outright Vermont • Out in the Open (Southern VT) • National Center for Transgender Equality • GLAAD’s Ally Guide to Terminology • GLSEN (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network) • InterACT: Advocates for Intersex Youth • TransYouth Family Allies • Movement Advancement Project’s Family Support: Resources for Families of Transgender and Gender Diverse Children • Gender Diverse & Transgender Children article via Healthychildren.org • National Child Traumatic Stress Network: LGBTQ Youth • Advocates for Youth: LGBTQ Health and Rights • The Reflective Workbook for Parents and Families of Transgender and Non-binary Children • The Trans Youth Handbook General Resources