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THE REALTOR PHIELD GUIDE P R A C T I C A L S U R V I VA L F O R R E A L E S TAT E W I L D E R N E S S B Y P HIL DUN P H Y

THIS PHIELD GUIDE BELONGS TO HOW TO USE THIS GUIDE This Phield Guide is a resource to help members of the NATIONAL ASSOCIATION of REALTORS better understand their clients their properties and themselves In this guide you will learn how to Properly identify a house Understand the emotions of your home buyer Cut an umbilical cord Tell the difference between a zombie and a really tired person

THE REALTOR PHIELD GUIDE P R A C T I C A L S U R V I VA L F O R T H E R E A L E S TAT E W I L D E R N E S S REALTOR is a federally registered collective membership mark that identifies a real estate professional who is a member of the NATIONAL ASSOCIATION of REALTORS and subscribes to its strict Code of Ethics

While the REALTOR Phield Guide may be the unofficially official guide of the NATIONAL ASSOCIATION of REALTORS the officially official Field Guides can be viewed and downloaded at realtor org field guides Copyright 2016 by the NATIONAL ASSOCIATION of REALTORS www realtor com GetRealtor All rights reserved No part of this publication may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever Even if you ask super nicely THE RE ALTOR PHIELD GUIDE

CONTENTS ii FORE WO RD P T 01 THE BASICS The Cardinal Rule of Real Estate 02 Tools of the Trade 03 Phil s No Phail Cookie Recipe 04 Trail Map Navigating the Ranch 06 PT 02 THE TERRAIN Trail Map Navigating the Craftsman Trail Map Navigating the Victorian 08 Home Buyers What They Say vs What They Really Mean 10 Spotting the Emotional State of Your Home Buyer 12 Nature Calls of the 100 Year Old House 14 How to Deliver a Baby in a Seller s Walk In Pantry 16 How to Find Capture Your Client s Missing Python 18 How to Conduct an Open House in the Midst of a Zombie Apocalypse 20 PT 03 READING THE SIGNS PT 04 SURVIVAL SKILLS 07 22 NOTES PR ACT IC AL SURVI VAL FOR TH E R EAL ES TAT E WI LDERN ESS i

FOREWORD The four words I chose for my foreword are as follows Velociraptor robot ninja REALTOR ii THE REALTOR P HIELD GUIDE

PA R T 0 1 THE BASICS It s like my college cheer captain always said Be prepared B E prepared

T H E B AS IC S T H E C A R D I N A L R U L E O F R E A L E S TAT E The number one rule of real estate Location location location And if that s hard to remember try this handy anagram LOTS OF COMPETITIVE ANTEATERS TELEPORTED INTO OUR NOGGINS LEARNING OUR CHARACTERISTICS AND TRAITS INSTEAD OF NEW LANGUAGES OBSTRUCTING CONSCIOUSNESS AND TAPPING INTO OUR NEURONS 2 TH E R EALTO R P HIELD GUIDE

TH E B ASI CS TOOLS OF THE TRADE Freshly polished REALTOR pin Copy of the REALTOR Code of Ethics Clean suit jacket Rain jacket Bedazzled jean jacket Box of shoe covers Set of business cards Fake moustache Set of business cards where you re wearing the fake moustache Tape measure Bottle of window cleaner Roll of duct tape Cinnamon roll Trustworthy eyebrows A smile PR A C TIC AL SURV IVAL FOR T HE REA L E STAT E WILDERN ESS 3

T H E B AS IC S P H I L S N O P H A I L C O O K I E R E C I P E A RECIPE SO GOOD THEY LL BE SHOUTING OFFERS WITH THEIR MOUTHS FULL INGREDIENTS 1 package yellow cake mix cup butter softened 2 eggs 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 2 cups semisweet chocolate chips DIRECTIONS Step 1 Preheat oven to 350o Step 2 Pour the cake mix into a large bowl Stir in the butter eggs and vanilla using a spoon or electric mixer Using your hands is generally frowned upon Step 3 Stir in the chocolate chips but not before you eat a few You deserve it champ Step 4 Bake for 11 to 15 minutes until the edges are the color of something that s golden brown Cool on baking sheets for a few minutes before cooling on wire racks Step 5 Walk the wire racks around the house to maximize that warm cookie smell C O O K T I M E 1 0 M I N P R E P 1 5 M I N C O O K I N G SERVES MAKES TWO DOZEN COOKIES 4 TH E R EALTO R P HIELD GUIDE

PA R T 0 2 THE TERRAIN The world of real estate can be rocky Luckily everyone looks great in hiking boots

T H E T ERR AIN T R A I L M A P N AV I G AT I N G T H E R A N C H A LT I T U D E O N E S T O R Y D I F F I C U LT Y E A S Y the scenic route the escape route tight end passing route W H AT Y O U L L S E E 6 Asymmetrical floor plan Above ground pool Attached garage A pink toilet 8 foot ceilings A blue toilet 8 identical houses in the same neighborhood The exoskeleton of the American Dream TH E R EALTO R P HIELD GUIDE

TH E TE RR AIN T R A I L M A P N AV I G AT I N G T H E C R A F T S M A N A LT I T U D E O N E S T O R Y D I F F I C U LT Y M O D E R AT E the short route the long route the I forgot my keys route W H AT Y O U L L S E E Quaint front porch Useless nook Low pitched roof Another built in bookcase Hardwood floors Are you sure this is the master bedroom Built in bookcase Charm PR AC TIC AL SURV IVAL FOR T HE REA L E STAT E WI LDERN ESS 7

T H E T ERR AIN T R A I L M A P N AV I G AT I N G T H E V I C T O R I A N A LT I T U D E T W O S T O R I E S D I F F I C U LT Y H A R D the waiting on clients route the is anybody home route the ghost route W H AT Y O U L L S E E 8 Vibrant exterior colors Ornate wallpaper Decorative trim You call this a closet Dramatic staircase Creepy dark hallway Uncomfortable looking furniture Ghost of a dead girl TH E R EALTO R P HIELD GUIDE

PA R T 0 3 READING THE SIGNS Once you know what to look for you ll find signs everywhere in the air on the ground and on actual signs

R EAD ING THE S IG N S HOME BUYERS W H A T T H E Y S AY V S W H A T T H E Y R E A L L Y M E A N What they say I need granite countertops and stainless steel appliances What they mean I cook all my meals in the microwave What they say This isn t the grand entrance I was hoping for What they mean I m trying to win an ongoing sibling rivalry What they say Are these hardwood floors original What they mean I can t tell the difference between hardwood and laminate What they say I want a big backyard for the kids to run around What they mean My children are monsters What they say I need an office space with a door I can shut What they mean My children are monsters What they say The neighbors feel really close What they mean I m worried the neighbors will see all the weird stuff I do when I m alone What they say We want move in ready What they mean We re going to comment on every single paint color What they say I love the natural light What they mean I hate everything about this house except the natural light 10 THE REALTO R P HIELD GUIDE

R E ADI NG TH E SIGN S It s all about knowing when to read between the lines when to draw the line and when to draw between the lines What they say How hard can it be to take down a wall What they mean I ve never hung a shelf before What they say We do a lot of entertaining What they mean We do a totally average amount of entertaining PR AC TICA L SURVI VA L FOR T HE R EAL ES TATE WI LDE RNE SS 11

R EAD ING THE S IG N S S P O T T I N G T H E E M O T I O N A L S TA T E OF YOUR HOME BUYER I OPTIMISTIFIED ADJ OP TI MIS TIFIED The feeling of excitement that comes from taking the first step in the home buying process despite not knowing the second step in the home buying process II SATISFADED ADJ S AT I S FA D E D The feeling that occurs when you finally secure a house after an extensive series of counteroffers the desire to feel happiness but being otherwise emotionally drained III INFATUFEATED ADJ I N FAT U F E AT E D The feeling of lingering affection that exists for a house weeks after losing a bidding war a temporary obsession with the house that got away IV TERRORIFIC ADJ TERR OR IFIC The feeling of immense joy that comes from being in escrow one moment followed by the crippling fear that you will fall out of escrow in the next i optimistified 12 THE REALTO R P HIELD GUIDE i i i infatufeated

RE AD IN G TH E SIGN S The modern home buyer is like a riddle wrapped in an enigma doused in a tangy buffalo sauce This glossary will help you cut through the BS buffalo sauce and see what s really going on inside V FEARTIGUED ADJ FEAR TI GUED The feeling of exhaustion felt at the time of your closing due to previous worrying over your upcoming closing VI EAGRETFUL ADJ EA GRET FUL The feeling of remorse that comes from buying a house based on nice fixtures alone when your zeal for the house prevents you from seeing the full picture VII PRIDLENESS N PRID LE NESS The feeling of sloth that occurs after closing on your dream home being so proud of your new home that you are physically unable to leave it VIII AW K X I O U S A D J AW K X I O U S The feeling of uneasiness at seeing so many couples at the same Open House making uncomfortable eye contact with the home buying competition i v terrorific v i i pridleness PR AC TICA L SURVI VA L FOR T HE R EAL ES TATE WI LDE RNE SS 13

R EAD ING THE S IG N S N AT U R E C A L L S O F T H E 1 0 0 Y E A R O L D H O U S E HISSES Hear a faint hissing sound It s probably the radiator House doesn t have radiators You should probably call a priest MOANS Moaning pipes could be caused by a number of different things so it s best to call a repairman But before you do that make sure the repairman you hired last week didn t fall down the basement stairs R AT T L I N G When the weather stripping fails on old windows strong winds may cause them to rattle You also may just be walking around with a pocket full of change RUSTLING If it s coming from your walls it s nothing good It could be anything from mice to raccoons to tiny alien hands reaching through a rip in the spacetime continuum CREAKS A creak in the floorboards is like a gap in your teeth At first you want nothing more than to get it fixed But in time you come to appreciate its charm 14 THE REALTO R P HIELD GUIDE

PA R T 0 4 SURVIVAL SKILLS And when all else fails stop drop and Get REALTOR

S URV IVAL S KIL LS HOW TO STEP 1 D E L I V E R A B A B Y I N A S E L L E R S WA L K I N PA N T R Y D O N T PA N I C You have nothing to worry about Delivering a baby is basically the same as selling a house Besides if all goes well you re pretty much guaranteed a sale the old you give birth in it you buy it policy But I get it Anxiety can sneak up on you like a 10th wedding anniversary If that happens just remember to breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth STEP 2 M A K E T H E M O T H E R C O M F O R TA B L E Twenty minutes ago this mother was picturing picnics on the back deck Now she s trying to picture herself giving birth in a stranger s walk in pantry You can help with this by playing up the features of the home Say something like The first thing your child is going to see is the beautiful crown moulding He s going to grow up with a real attention to detail just like these home sellers STEP 3 SANITIZE YOUR ARMS AND HANDS Remove any jewelry or watches you may be wearing and wash your hands with soap and warm water But don t let the mother think you forgot her Keep her informed as to what s going on occasionally shouting things like I love washing my hands in this deep farmhouse sink And it has such a beautiful view of the backyard STEP 4 KNOW WHEN IT S TIME TO PUSH Note This is NOT the time to push a sale There will be plenty of time for that later Subtle sales tactics like those outlined in previous steps are key Instead this step is all about knowing when it s time for the mother to push the baby out The mother will cue you by shouting one of the following 1 OWWWWWWW OHHHHHHH OW OW OW OOOOOOHHHHHHH 2 IT S TIME TO PUSH 16 THE REALTO R P HIELD GUIDE

SU RVIVAL SKIL LS N O O F S T E P S 5 STEP 5 T H R O W U P P R I VA T E L Y Now that you ve gotten all the way to the end you ve probably discovered that delivering a baby is nothing like selling a house But you stuck with it and mother and baby are bonding among boxes of dried pasta giving you a few minutes to sneak away Don t lose your composure though The Open House isn t over yet Before you go try saying something like I m going to excuse myself to the half bathroom conveniently located off the main hallway PR AC TICA L SURVI VA L FOR T HE R EAL ES TATE WI LDE RNE SS 17

S URV IVAL S KIL LS HOW TO STEP 1 FIND CAPTURE YOUR CLIENT S MISSING PYTHON D R E S S T H E PA R T Just like donning a shiny REALTOR pin gets you ready to buy and sell houses the right accoutrements can make you feel like a professional snake catcher Try a beige button up floppy hat and shorts with a lot of pockets to fill with snakes Then try a new name Boris sounds like a good snake catching name So do Phoenix Kriss Gunther and Priscilla Finally try an accent Australian is the natural choice Crickey I hope the snake isn t hidin in me barbie but feel free to think outside the box and challenge yourself STEP 2 TRY CALLING ITS NAME Here s a tip that could save you a lot of legwork try walking around the house and calling the snake s name The snakes in cartoons are always pretty smart It s worth a shot STEP 3 GRAB A FLASHLIGHT If Step Two fails grab a flashlight and start looking The house is filled with hiding places but you can narrow down the list by thinking about the snake s must haves Why did it leave its enclosure in the first place Was it looking for more space Higher end fixtures A better neighborhood When you think about it snakes are just like people People with no limbs who smell with their tongues STEP 4 COAX IT INTO A NET Once you find the snake don t try to pick it up with your hands I don t care how easy pop stars make it look in music videos Instead find a net with a long handle like a pool skimmer and coax the snake into it If you can t find a net try sweeping the snake into a garbage pail with a broom Once it s trapped lift the net or garbage pail up and hurry back to the enclosure If you hear a high pitched whimpering sound don t be alarmed That s just you whimpering 18 THE REALTO R P HIELD GUIDE

SU RVIVAL SKIL LS N O O F S T E P S 5 STEP 5 TA K E A S E L F I E It s like the kids always say Pics or it didn t happen You re definitely going to want to have a shot of this in your REALTOR scrapbook If you don t have a REALTOR scrapbook now is a good time to start They re incredibly soothing PR AC TICA L SURVI VA L FOR T HE R EAL ES TATE WI LDE RNE SS 19

S URV IVAL S KIL LS HOW TO STEP 1 CONDUCT AN OPEN HOUSE IN THE M I D S T O F A Z O M B I E A P O C A LY P S E C O N F I R M Y O U A R E A C T U A L LY I N T H E M I D S T O F A Z O M B I E A P O C A LY P S E Confirming you are actually in the midst of a zombie apocalypse is very very important Luckily there are two easy ways to check 1 LOOK OUT THE WINDOW But don t rush to conclusions A person shuffling down the street with blood dripping down their chin Probably just severe seasonal allergies But six people shuffling down the street with blood dripping down their chins You ve got yourself an apocalypse 2 GO ONLINE This will definitely make the news Trust me Even if you re watching a cute cat video someone is going to comment and say Cute cat Mine just got eaten by a zombie Then you ll know STEP 2 U P D AT E T H E L I S T I N G Once you re sure you re in the midst of a zombie apocalypse you re going to have to update the listing Talk about the features that buyers fighting the undead are actually looking for Before you may have said it was close to everything Well in the apocalypse that just means certain death Or high ceilings Now it s all about high fences Home theater Try Makeshift panic room with full extension recliner chairs STEP 3 C O M M U N I C AT E W I T H T H E S E L L E R Reevaluate what fair market value really means Ask the seller what they would now be willing to sell their house for Two bottles of aspirin and a crowbar Great A case of water four knives and a roll of toilet paper Even better STEP 4 PROVIDE PROTECTION Since you can t be everywhere at once provide protection Leave pocket knives by the front door the same way you once left business cards Consider even getting your pocket knives engraved with your name and contact info show the apocalypse that it can take away your dignity but it can never touch your personal brand 20 THE REALTO R P HIELD GUIDE

SU RVIVAL SKIL LS N O O F S T E P S 5 STEP 5 KEEP THE MOOD LIGHT It s not going to be easy to put a positive spin on the situation but the truth is no one buys a house when they think it s the end of the world Remind people that their dreams are still only an arm s reach away So when someone says I m going to die in this house say No you re going to die and come back to life in this house PRA CT IC AL SURV IVAL FOR T HE RE AL ESTAT E WILDE RNES S 21

NOTES FROM THE PHIELD

NOTES FROM THE PHIELD

NOTES FROM THE PHIELD

6 5 4 3 2 WANT MORE PHIL DUNPHY Watch ABC s Modern Family Wednesdays at 9 8c and stay up to date on NAR s Get REALTOR campaign realtors 1 0

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