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How to Tell if Your Teenager is at Risk of SuicideDr. Celia Banting

© 2023 Celia BantingAll rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or an information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher. This includes prohibited use of the calculating data to create computer programs.Requests for permission to make copies of any part of the work should be mailed to the following address:Wighita PressP.O. Box 30399Little Rock, Arkansas 72260-0399www.wighitapress.comLibrary of Congress Catalog-in-Publication DataBanting, CeliaHow to Tell if Your Teenager is at Risk of SuicideDr. Celia Banting - First Editionp. cm.ISBN 978-0-9988190-1-3 (paperback)1. Suicide preventionSummaryThis book is for parents and all those who work with troubled teenagers. It is based on research and identies statistically signicant suicide risk factors. Chapter One and Two explore personality development that may make a teenager more susceptible to attempting suicide. Chapter Three offers a means to calculate the risk, and Chapter Four focuses on the role of self-esteem related to suicide.Library of Congress Control Number: 2022919818Layout by Susan HarringCover production by Susan HarringProofread by Mohammed MossadaqPrinted by Sheridan Press, Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA

Other books by Dr .Celia BantingThe Right ThingI Only Said I Had No ChoiceI Only Said Yes So That They’d Like MeI Only Said I Couldn’t CopeI Only Said I Didn’t Want You Because I Was TerriedI Only Said I Was Telling The TruthI Only Said It Didn’t HurtI Only Said I Could Handle It, But I Was WrongI Only Said I Wasn’t HungryI Only Said I Wanted To Kill Myself; I Didn’t Really Mean ItI Only Said Leave Me Out Of It

This book is dedicated to Tim and the thousands of young people like him for which life was just too painful.

AcknowledgementsI wish to thank all the children who answered my questions so honestly in order to provide the data with which to develop this risk assessment tool. Without their help this tool would not exist.I also wish to thank all the parents who will read this book, and I admire their courage to examine their own attitudes and the way they interact with their children, so that they can effect change.I wish to thank all the tutors at the Metanoia Institute, London, for teaching me a new way of perceiving life and relationships.Thank you to Susan Harring for your graphic design work, which helps to reach hurting teenagers, and for your meaningful friendship over the years.Lastly, I wish to honour Dr. Claude Steiner for his gift to mankind, ‘The Original Warm Fuzzy Tale’; simple truths that “make life and loving easy.”

PrefaceAlthough this book originates from my academic research, it is intended to be an ‘easy read’, written simply so that all parents, even those who nd reading difcult, can benet from it. It is important to realise that this is a book for adults and is intended to be read by adults only, in order to help you assess your child’s possible risk of attempting suicide. It is not intended that your child should read this book, and neither should you reveal any risk assessment calculations to your child. The knowledge you gain from this book should heighten your awareness of the risk factors related to teenage suicide, so that you can increase your child’s safety through the turmoil of adolescence.Although this book is written in simplistic terms, the subject of teenage suicide is highly complex. There are many social, psychiatric and psychological factors that have shown to be related to suicidal behaviours, but none as important as the ‘internal distress’ that individuals experience at times. What makes one individual cope with difculties in life and another, faced with the same difculties, fail to cope? The answer may lie in the way we raise our children. The values and attitudes our children have, and their resilience, their ‘internal strength’, to cope with psychological pain seems to come from the way they feel about themselves and others. The way our children feel about themselves is directly related to the way we have raised them, so it seems that understanding

the relationship between parent and child, and nding ways to improve it, can help prevent teenage suicide. This book in no way sets out to ‘parent-bash’, rather it seeks to understand the impact of differing parenting methods upon our children. Chapter One explores the parenting methods our own parents used, and shows how they may inuence the way we parent our own children. Chapter Two examines the impact of these parenting methods upon a child’s thoughts and feelings. Chapter Three shows you how to calculate the risk of attempting suicide based on your teenager’s personal prole. The book ends by illustrating how to improve your relationship with your child.Throughout the book I have used the term ‘he’ or ‘his’ but the contents refers to girls too.

t 11 uChapter OnePersonality QuirksAs my children became teenagers it was always my greatest fear that the drama of adolescence would put too much pressure on them. I feared that beneath my nose they would attempt suicide, and I wouldn’t know that they had been hurting until it was too late. Every era brings with it different stresses for teenagers. I remember my mother telling me that her biggest stress growing up in World War II was that her tall and heavy grandfather clock would topple and crush her whilst she hid under a table during the air raids. Growing up in the sixties the stresses facing teenagers then was whether to resist the pressure to take psychedelic drugs or engage in ‘free love’ and join the ‘ower-power’ movement. We can all remember the pressure put upon us by our peers to t in and be accepted.

t 12 uThe pressures that teenagers face today are even greater than in the past and how they cope with those pressures depends a great deal on how we have raised them. It’s a scary thought that our parenting skills will either equip our children to manage difculties in life, or leave them unable to cope. Parenting is the most important job we ever undertake and yet there is no rulebook. For most of the time we just do what our own parents did and hope that it turns out okay. After all, if it was good enough for us then it must be good enough for our own kids. Right?Not always!!This book is not only going to show you how to be able to identify whether your child is at risk of attempting suicide, it is also going to help you to explore the way your own parents brought you up. It will show how some parenting practises produce what I call ‘Personality Quirks’ that can be handed down through the generations. ‘Personality Quirks’ invariably cause ‘internal distress’, psychological pain that can occur when we feel abandoned, or treated unfairly. ‘Internal distress’ happens when we feel a threat to our sense of self, and it may be masked beneath

t 13 uother defensive behaviours, such as anger, bravado or a ‘don’t care’ attitude. This book will give you the opportunity to know yourself a little better and to be able to change some of the ways you interact with your children, so that old redundant ways of interacting don’t get handed down to your children and grandchildren.The way a child feels about himself depends upon how his parents interact with him. This ‘dance’ begins at birth and continues throughout his childhood. Although part of who we are is determined by our genes, a great deal is determined by the things that happened to us in our childhoods, and the way our parents treated us as children. If we treat our children kindly and give them the opportunity to try new things without ridiculing them when they make a mistake, then they should develop high self-esteem and believe that they are worthy human beings. They are unlikely to develop serious ‘Personality Quirks’ or suffer ‘internal distress’.

t 14 uUnfortunately that doesn’t always happen. Sometimes we get stressed or depressed with the pressures of life and it all gets too much to cope with. If we hadn’t planned to have children or if our partners run off, bringing up children can be really hard. It’s at those times that the way we feel inside towards our children seeps out, either verbally by the things we say or non-verbally, by the way we behave and the expression on our faces. It is at those times that we give off psychological ‘messages’ to our children, and it is these psychological ‘messages’ that can produce ‘Personality Quirks’. The term ‘Personality Quirk’ describes the aws in our personality that may stop us from becoming the best we can be, and those deep-seated attitudes and feelings towards ourselves and others that can drive us to behave in a certain way. Consider the man who keeps his socks in regimented lines in the drawer and becomes agitated and angry should they become disturbed; that’s a ‘Personality Quirk’. It’s unlikely that he would know why he behaves and feels that way, but he is driven by something deep within his personality, something that began to form long before he was aware that he was learning. When his sock-drawer is

t 15 umessed up he experiences ‘internal distress’. That may seem silly to us but to him his distress is real. Before children learn to talk they sense their parents’ mood through non-verbal communication, their parents’ tone of voice, the way they are handled, and their facial expressions. Small children are masters at knowing what their parents are feeling; they have to be because they are driven to get their needs met. They learn to adapt to their parents so that they can have their needs met, and sometimes that’s good and sometimes it’s bad. A child whose parents pay attention to him learns that he is more likely to get his needs met by being good, and that being good will please his parents. He will feel good about himself, and his parents will like being around him. The child whose parents don’t pay him any attention, or who doesn’t get his needs met even after being good, will resort to being naughty or sneaky to force his parents to pay attention to him. His parents will be irritated or angry, he will feel bad about himself, and the relationship with his parents will turn sour.

t 16 uSo the way that you interact with your infant and toddler sets the scene for the way you will interact together as your child grows up. Many of the attitudes your child has about himself and others develop between birth and two years, before the child can speak or reason things out. During this time the things he learns about his place in the family, and who he is, stem from non-verbal communication. If he is too young to talk then the only way of understanding his world is through facial expressions, tone of voice and the way he is handled. And all this learning occurs before your child is aware that he’s learning anything.The way that parents interact with their small child imparts ‘psychological messages’ that the child takes in (assimilates), and those ‘messages’ form the child’s attitudes towards himself and others. The ‘messages’ may have a positive or negative effect upon the child. The psychological ‘messages’ that have a positive effect on a child (known as ‘permissions’) let him know that he is valued and that it’s okay for him to be himself. His self-esteem grows and he is able to explore his world safe in the knowledge that his parents love him unconditionally.

t 17 uThe psychological ‘messages’ that have a negative effect upon a child are called ‘injunctions’. Mary and Robert Goulding identied in their clinical work that there were twelve main ‘injunctions’ that parents inadvertently give out to their children.The twelve ‘injunctions’ are:1) Don’t Exist2) Don’t Be You3) Don’t Be a Child 4) Don’t Grow Up5) Don’t Make It6) Don’t (don’t do anything)7) Don’t Be Well (or sane)8) Don’t Think9) Don’t Feel10) Don’t Be Important11) Don’t Be Close12) Don’t BelongThe denition of the word ‘injunction’ is, ‘an authoritative order whose purpose is to restrain’, and this is what each of the twelve ‘injunctions’ do. They subconsciously restrain a

t 18 uperson from developing as they should. Remember; when children ‘take in’ (assimilate) an injunction they do so in order to adapt to their parents, and to be acceptable to them so that they’ll get their needs met. Each injunction will be described below and I shall invite you to explore which injunctions you may inadvertently have been given by your own parents. I say ‘inadvertently’ because very few parents consciously intend that their children should assimilate injunctions, or develop ‘Personality Quirks’, and almost no parent would consciously want their child to suffer ‘internal distress’.Being a parent is a bit like unknowingly walking through a mineeld searching for a place to have a picnic. You want it to turn out well, to even have some fun, but there are hidden dangers that can blow up in your face, dangers you had no idea were there.Let’s look at some of these hidden dangers.‘Don’t Exist’ InjunctionThe ‘Don’t Exist Injunction’ is the worse and most severe of all the injunctions. It can happen when the child senses

t 19 uthat its parents didn’t want him. If a child is told that he was the product of rape, casual sex or an unplanned and inconvenient pregnancy, he may assimilate this injunction. If parents are jealous of the attention their partners give the child they may wish that the child had never been born. If a parent feels trapped by having a baby or an unplanned pregnancy adds further stress and nancial burden to the family, the parents may say things like, “If it weren’t for you I’d be able to …”. The parents may feed and clothe the child but virtually ignore its presence. Older brothers and sisters who resent a new baby can also impart this injunction. If you have ever felt the urge to commit suicide it is likely that you have assimilated a ‘Don’t Exist Injunction’ as a small child.‘Don’t Be You’ InjunctionThis injunction is assimilated when the child senses that their parents wanted some other child. It can occur when the parents wanted a girl but had a boy, or vice versa. It can also happen if a child grows up knowing deep inside that they are ‘gay’ but yet keep those feelings repressed. Being his true self feels too dangerous. If parents have ambitions for their child that are different to what the child wants to do, he may conform and represses his

t 20 uown ambitions. He is not being himself. This injunction prevents you from being true to yourself, to be who you really are inside and is assimilated when a child seeks approval from his parents. ‘Don’t Be a Child’ InjunctionThis injunction can occur when parents are harsh and do not know how to play or have fun. They will be displeased when their child plays or makes a mess. It is not that they are merely irritated, but their reaction to the mess or noise has a sense of extreme internal discomfort, almost akin to fear. It is as if they can’t cope when those around them appear to be too boisterous and noisy, or seem to be out of control. Parents who become irritated or angry when their children play, make a noise or have fun impart the ‘message’ that it’s not okay to be a child in that family. This ‘message’ isn’t imparted as a result of someone being mean, rather it is a consequence of that person feeling acute psychological distress, often without knowing why. Yet another ‘personality quirk’.Parents may also expect the child to be the caretaker in the family, forcing him to grow up too soon in order to be ‘the man of the house’. In families where the parents

t 21 uare unavailable, either through divorce, depression, imprisonment, drugs and alcohol misuse, a child may be expected to take on the role of parent, particularly if there are younger brothers and sisters around.‘Don’t Grow Up’ InjunctionThis injunction is the opposite of the one above. In those families where the parents are overprotective and fearful of their child’s growing independence they are likely to belittle and dis-empower their child so that he remains dependent upon his parents. This can happen when the parents’ marriage revolves solely around the children and both parents dread the last child leaving home, for they will then be faced with the fact that their relationship is not fullling. The parents may say, “Don’t leave me,” or manipulate their children into staying. The children may also grow up failing to take responsibility for their actions if parents continually fail to allow their children to learn by their own mistakes. If the child does not have to make amends for negative behaviours he will fail to mature and take responsibility for himself or his actions. He will remain child-like and passive, expecting other people to come to his rescue, and if he should ever

t 22 uform a relationship it is likely to be with someone who is strong and domineering—a parent gure.‘Don’t Make It’ InjunctionA child who has assimilated this injunction may appear to work really hard at school or work only to sabotage their efforts right at the last moment, so that they fail. They may revise for a test and be capable of passing it but miss the school bus so that they miss the exam. They may ‘forget’ to hand in an important piece of schoolwork or fail to meet a deadline. The way that this injunction is imparted is through one or both parents being anxious that their child will be smarter than they are and will leave them behind. This is felt at a subconscious level that almost all parents would deny, after all most parents want their children to do well, don’t they? This injunction stems from the parents’ fear of being compared with their successful child and being seen as inadequate, a feeling that would feel intolerable. Therefore such parents impart the psychological ‘message’ that “you can only do okay provided you don’t do better than we did,” or, “it’s okay to give up so long as you can be seen to have been trying hard”. Such parents

t 23 umay reinforce self-sabotaging behaviours by paying more attention to failure than success.‘Don’t’ Injunction (don’t do anything)This injunction can be imparted by parents who are terried that harm will come to their children. This fear may originate from some traumatic event in the parents’ lives. If the parents have lost a child they may become so over protective and fearful of losing another one that they inadvertently impart this psychological ‘message’. The child would sense their terror and could become apathetic and passive in an attempt to reduce his parents’ anxiety. ‘Don’t Be Well’ Injunction (or sane)In a family where parents are busy, especially if there are lots of children in the family, a child may notice that during a period of illness his parents are forced to take notice of him. As he recovers so he gets less attention. The psychological ‘message’ that he receives from his parents is, “The only way to get any attention around here is to be sick”. A child may also learn to wear a miserable sad face in order to force adults to pay attention to him.

t 24 uPhysical ill health or emotional problems may be modelled and accepted in families, and “ailments” become the norm. In societies where pharmaceutical companies promote their medicines for vast prots, children grow up accepting that it’s normal to take pills for every ailment. This attitude reinforces the Don’t Be Well Injunction. ‘Don’t Think’ InjunctionThis injunction can be assimilated if a parent or teacher belittles a small child’s efforts at thinking for themselves, or consistently points out the child’s mistakes so that he feels shamed and gives up.A child can also learn from its parents to escalate his feelings when faced with a problem and become hysterical, rather than think about different ways to solve the problem. He might listen to his parents or other adults obsessing about everything other than the problem and see how much attention that behaviour gets. He might also have learned that by acting dumb other people will come to his rescue and he doesn’t have to think at all. It’s a sneaky way of avoiding responsibility.

t 25 u‘Don’t Feel’ InjunctionThis Injunction can be imparted if parents show their children that it’s not acceptable to show their feelings. If a child is belittled for crying or showing other emotions they will experience shame, and are less likely to show their feelings in the future. If parents reinforce the message, “Big boys don’t cry,” the child may learn to bottle up his feelings in the same way his parents have learned. If there has been a lot of trauma in the family a child can learn to ‘switch off’ to avoid the anxiety that sadness and fear can cause. Such a child is likely to express those feelings (which are still inside even if they aren’t expressed) as anger and behave aggressively. Those parents who have this Injunction may belittle others as being ‘slushy’ for showing their feelings, and others may think that showing feelings makes you vulnerable and weak. This Injunction makes forming and maintaining a relationship as an adult very difcult.‘Don’t Be Important’ InjunctionThis injunction originates from parents who show the child that he does not matter, that he barely exists in the family, and that his needs do not matter. It may be that

t 26 uthe parents are too busy with their own important roles in life or that they are too self-centred. The child does not have a place of importance in the family and his wishes are not considered. As the child grows he seems more comfortable in the background, and would shy away from taking a lead with his peers. He may deliberately sabotage any efforts that could place him in a leadership role, as he would likely feel very uncomfortable being in the spotlight.This Injunction may originate from parents who have experienced social oppression or prejudice; those with a mistaken attitude, “I know my place in life and you should do too, if you want to stay safe”. ‘Don’t Be Close’ InjunctionThis Injunction stems from having parents who feel uncomfortable at getting close to other people. Perhaps they had been hurt in the past and were fearful that they would be hurt again. Perhaps their parents weren’t comfortable giving hugs, and so taught them that getting close to others was risky and not acceptable. Those who nd a sexual relationship too intimate to cope with, or who do not enjoy sex may have assimilated this injunction. It

t 27 umay also originate from a lack of trust if the person has endured betrayal in the past. This injunction makes forming any type of relationship virtually impossible.‘Don’t Belong’ InjunctionThose people who appear to be ‘loners’, who fail to seek out the company of others, are likely to have this injunction. It is possible that if parents believe that they are better than other people and consistently tell their child that they are ‘too good’ to be involved with a certain group of people, they may assimilate this injunction. Parents who are reluctant to encourage their child to mix with other children may inadvertently impart this injunction. It is a reection of parents’ attitude that they are superior to other people.The opposite is also true and this injunction can also be related to a deep-rooted feeling of not being worthy enough to belong to an ‘in-group’. Failure to be accepted into exclusive clubs or fraternities may reinforce such an injunction. As human beings are social creatures, those who seem isolated are likely to have a ‘Don’t Belong’ Injunction, but it is how they perceive their ‘loneliness’ that makes this injunction a problem to them or not.

t 28 uSo, let’s take a moment to think about your own parents and the way they raised you. Do you recognise yourself or your parents in the above descriptions?It is really important to realise that because there isn’t a rulebook, or one right way to be a parent, that our own parents probably copied their own parents, just as we copied ours. This is how ‘Personality Quirks’ can get transferred from one generation to the next. The assimilation of injunctions is rarely done intentionally; they are usually imparted subconsciously, due to the parent feeling an intense psychological distress that he can’t put his nger on. The child ‘senses’ its parents’ distress and adapts to minimise his own ‘internal distress’, and also to get his needs met. Once you understand this, there leaves no room for any blame.One of my favourite sayings is,“There is no blame, only understanding.” Once you understand why things happen it’s very hard to feel blame. Most parents do what they know; they struggle

t 29 uto get it right, and they do the best they can with what they have at the time. If they are angry with their own parents they may raise their children in a totally opposite way to their own parents’ methods of parenting, and although they won’t make the same mistakes their parents made, they will make others. All parents make mistakes at times, and that’s because parenting is not an exact science. So now that we know that much of who we are originates from the way our parents raised us, the following chapter will examine the impact of our parenting methods upon our children’s thoughts and feelings.

t 31 uChapter TwoInternal DistressDr. Edwin Shneidman, whose career was studying suicide, says that the common denominator in all those who engage in suicidal behaviours is that they suffer psychological pain, which he calls ‘psychache’. This is the same as ‘internal distress’, a feeling of pain inside that is related to how you perceive yourself, or when you experience a feeling of threat to your sense of self. Feelings associated with ‘internal distress’ may be loneliness, hopelessness, guilt, shame, humiliation, embarrassment, and anything that makes you feel bad. Dr. Shneidman says that when the feeling of psychological pain becomes so intolerable that it cannot be borne, suicide may occur.

t 32 uSo what can we do as parents to ensure that our children do not suffer intolerable ‘internal distress’?If the way you interact with your child fosters their self-esteem and they believe that they are respected and important to you, then should they experience the negative feelings identied above, although they may feel some discomfort, they should be able to tolerate the discomfort without it being a threat to their sense of self. If, however, a child has low self-esteem, is not treated with respect, and believes that he is not important to his parents, then he has few resources with which to tolerate the negative feelings that we all feel at times. It seems then vital to explore the relationship between the child and his parents, and the dynamics within the family, to see what impact they may have on the development of self-esteem.It can never be underestimated just how much our children learn by watching what happens within the family. It’s as if everything that is modelled within the family gives a ‘permission’ to the child, one that says, “It’s okay to behave this way in our family.”

t 33 uIt isn’t only what parents do or don’t do that impacts upon the child; it’s what grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins do too.Families often appear to operate within a set of ‘permissions’ and ‘injunctions’; one behaviour is okay yet another behaviour is not okay. Another family may have totally different ‘permissions’ and ‘injunctions’. Some families model a ‘permission’ to study and go to college, whilst in other families education seems less important and those families give a ‘permission’ to excel at sports or arts. Neither ‘permissions’ are right or wrong, they are just different ‘permissions’ within different families. A ‘permission’ within my family was to be musical and creative. I knew that in order to gain and keep my mother’s attention I should learn to knit (I failed miserably at music, although my brother excelled). I have treasured memories of sitting next to my mother on the doorstep with our knitting needles click-clacking away whilst I made doll’s clothes and she made me a hideous maroon balaclava, which I felt compelled to wear to keep her happy.In my family there was an unwritten rule that children

t 34 uwere not allowed to get angry, but there was also an unwritten ‘permission’ to cry instead. Therefore, I learned subconsciously that when I was angry I should cry. Some families may model and give ‘permission’ to become hysterical and dramatic when things go wrong. Other families may become aggressive rather than express fear or sadness. Others model and give ‘permission’ to drink alcohol or take drugs, and opt out of society. Other families commit criminal acts and going to prison is acceptable in their families. Likewise, there are some families who model, and so give ‘permission’, to commit suicide. Research shows that those adolescents who report having family members who had either thought about suicide or attempted it were far more likely to attempt suicide themselves. It’s as if the “permission” is, “If life gets too tough, you can always opt out.” The statistics are frightening, but they show just how powerful ‘permissions’ within the family can be. Remember, these ‘permissions’ are rarely said out loud; they are modelled by family members’ behaviours, or by their non-verbal communication.

t 35 uSpend a moment to recall what ‘permissions’ there were in your family when you were a child, and what ‘permissions’ you have modelled for your own children. What things do you do that are exactly the same as the things your parents used to do? Do you hear yourself sound like your parents at times?As the family is the place where we grow into who we’re going to be, we will look at how parenting and the dynamics within the family can affect the children.A small child is like a sponge, soaking up vast amounts of information. They seem desperate to please their parents. The one thing I noticed about my own children was that if I kept my voice calm and distracted them in order to avoid confrontations, they were like happy little puppy dogs feeding out of my hand. It occurred to me just how desperate children are to please their parents, and how delighted they are by praise and cuddles. The only time mine ever acted-out was when I was preoccupied or stressed, when they gured that I wasn’t going to give them any praise or cuddles. They looked wounded when my voice was sharp or loud, but as soon as I regained my

t 36 usoft calm voice and gave them the attention that was theirs by birth-right (no child asks to be born), they changed back to being like happy little puppy-dogs.The interaction between mother and new baby is vitally important, for if Mum is calm her baby will sense it and be calm too. If, however, Mum is stressed the baby will fret and be inconsolable. This in turn makes Mum more stressed and so a vicious circle is set up, one where both are stressed and neither enjoy being around each other. As the child grows he believes that the only attention he can get from his Mum is if he acts out, and sadly this is true. Ask any teacher who gets the most attention in class… not the compliant kids; it’s the ones who make trouble. The worst thing about this unhappy situation is that once a child receives attention for being naughty it makes him even more likely to be naughty in the future. As his behaviour becomes a habit so he gets further and further away from the child he could have been; the one that would have delighted in pleasing his parents and enjoying their praise.

t 37 uLet’s take two children, the rst, who has formed a strong attachment to his parents, has no need to act out to gain their attention. They praise his efforts for everything he does and don’t laugh or make fun of him when he makes a mistake. He learns to feel good about himself, he develops high self-esteem, and he also learns that if he practices he can master new tasks. Take the second child, the one who isn’t sure that he can get enough attention, and isn’t sure if his parents are going to be in a good mood. He’s watchful and stressed. When he wants attention he seems to go straight into acting out. He knows that they’ll respond to him when he’s naughty. Mum shouts at him and her face is frowning. He doesn’t have the same ability adults have to gure things out and so he thinks that she doesn’t like him. He acts out more and she becomes angrier. With childlike magical thinking he believes that there must be something wrong with him, after all, Mum doesn’t like him; he can see it in her angry face. Over time he will develop low self-esteem and will be unlikely to develop the condence to try new tasks. Research shows that those with low self-esteem are more likely to attempt suicide than those with high self-esteem.

t 38 uThe child who has low self-esteem may develop depressive symptoms, and develop a negative attitude. A negative attitude towards life and those who are depressed are also more likely to attempt suicide that those who have a positive attitude.Having a positive attitude and faith in oneself to try new things, and the belief that you can be successful, is called ‘self-efcacy’. The child whose parents praise his efforts when attempting new tasks gains condence and is able to accept his mistakes without feeling that the whole of him is useless. As he gains condence in himself he learns that he can make choices, and with choices comes the sense that he has some power over his own life. The person who believes that he has the power to determine his own destiny is said to have an ‘internal locus of control’, whereas a person who believes that he has very little power to change anything about his life, and that his destiny is controlled by outside forces, is said to have an ‘external locus of control’. The child who does not receive praise, or is belittled when he makes mistakes, is likely to develop an external locus of control. There has been research showing that those with

t 39 uan external locus of control, are more likely to attempt suicide than those with an internal locus of control. The dynamics within the family are crucial to the development of your child’s personality. Arguments and tension between Mum and Dad can have a disturbing effect upon children, who invariably feel that it’s their fault their parents are arguing, as children think in egocentric terms. Divorce can also have a disturbing affect upon the children of the family, but the consequences of marital breakdown are only negative if everyone starts ghting or taking sides. Divorce and separation can be handled well with minimal negative effect upon the children. Indeed, children from divorced families can benet of having two homes, and the opportunity for a ‘rest’ from each parent. The data used to develop the risk assessment model showed that children who did not live with both parents were nearly twice as likely to attempt suicide. Of course this does not mean that having two parents at home will prevent a teenager from attempting suicide, or that those living in a single-parent home are more at risk of attempting suicide. It is the quality of the relationship between the child and

t 40 uits parents that is the key issue, and whether the family dynamics are positive or negative. Take a calm, loving single parent; the children of such a family will thrive as their self-esteem grows, yet the children of two arguing parents are likely to suffer and get caught in the ‘crossre’. So although the data analysis identied not living in a two-parent home as being a predictor of attempting suicide, it only becomes an indicator if divorce and separation impact negatively upon the family dynamics and the child. The data also showed that those who had a step-father were more likely to attempt suicide than those without a step-father. It is not the fact that a child has a step-father that is related to suicidal behaviours, as stated before it is the quality of the relationship that is important. Divorce and remarriage can be traumatic for a child but a good relationship with step-parents can be benecial to the child. Provided there is no arguing between both sets of parents and the child is not used as a pawn in the middle, the child can benet from two sets of parents and extra grandparents.

t 41 uI have worked with adolescents for many years and almost without fail those who are hurting, who have ‘internal distress’, report having a poor relationship with their step-father, and invariably they are boys. They tell me that their step-fathers are jealous of them and want them out of the way, and try to get them into trouble. They also say that they feel abandoned by their mothers, as if she has chosen another man over her son. I understand the difculties mothers face when they remarry or nd another partner; the feeling of being stuck in the middle and of trying to keep the peace whilst attempting to build a new relationship. It is no easy feat and the purpose of this book isn’t to decry remarriage; everyone deserves personal happiness. Yet poor step-father relationships can cause signicant ‘internal distress’ for children and teenagers. Whether you have a partner or not, the dynamics within the family are crucial in shaping your child’s personality. Chapter One showed how ‘Personality Quirks’ develop through the assimilation of ‘injunctions’ and ‘permissions’ that are modelled showing how to ‘be’ in a particular family during early childhood. In the data analysis used to

t 42 udevelop the risk assessment tool it was noticed that of all Goulding’s injunctions there were three that appeared to be correlated to suicide attempts. There was a signicant difference between those who had attempted suicide and those who had never even thought about it in those who had assimilated the ‘Don’t Exist’, ‘Don’t Belong’ and ‘Don’t Think Injunctions’.As mentioned earlier, the ‘Don’t Exist’ Injunction is the most lethal and a child who may have assimilated this injunction may wish that he’d never been born, or have a deep-rooted sense that he shouldn’t have been born. It is no surprise that my data analysis showed that there was a large difference in the rates of those who had assimilated a ‘Don’t Exist’ Injunction in those who had attempted suicide and in those who hadn’t. If you suspect that your child may have inadvertently assimilated a ‘Don’t Exist’ Injunction during childhood, be very careful and watch him like a hawk, particularly if he seems depressed, for this is a serious indicator of someone who may be at risk of suicide. Chapter Four will show you how to minimise the lethal effects of this injunction, so don’t panic.

t 43 uThe assimilation of a ‘Don’t Belong’ Injunction appears to be related to suicidal behaviours for the data analysis showed that more adolescents who had attempted suicide had assimilated a ‘Don’t Belong’ Injunction than those who had never thought about suicide. The sense of belonging seems to be a fundamental aspect of human nature, which is not surprising because from the moment of conception human beings are connected to another. The process of birth must be so traumatic to a new born baby, suddenly separated from the only existence he’s ever known. I’m relieved that we have no conscious memory of our births, but I’m aware just how important the bonding process is immediately after birth to ensure “secure attachment.”When a child is “securely attached” to his mother or father, he will develop a sense of belonging within the family, and during childhood he’ll be socialised and will strive to make friends and t in at school and other activities. School can be a difcult time for all children and teenagers. When I look back at my own school years in

t 44 uthe 1960s there were the “cool” kids, the ones who got to sit on the back seat of the bus, and there were those who ew under the radar, and then there were those who were relentlessly bullied. There were parameters that the bullies adhered to and they were: on the way to school, during playtime, on the sports eld, and on the way home. Home was hopefully a safe haven from bullying. Very few people in those days had a telephone in their homes, so consider how it is in the twenty-rst century when virtually every teenager has his own phone. Social media has inltrated the safety of the home. Cyber bullies can get to your teenager in the sanctuary of their own bedrooms. To be bullied in such an invasive way must be horrifying and I can see why a teenager could go on to develop a ‘Don’t Belong’ Injunction, and feel isolated and hopeless. Feeling ostracised may trigger feelings of worthlessness and lower self-esteem.Of course, many people enjoy being alone and standing away from the crowd and would never contemplate suicide, so it isn’t the act of being alone but the sense of being ostracised and hopeless that is key. Past research shows that those who attempt suicide think

t 45 udifferently to those who are not suicidal. The greatest difference in thinking styles is that the individual thinks in rigid terms and cannot see an alternative way to resolve the difculties that may lead him to contemplate suicide. The suicidal person thinks negatively and often sifts out any positive things others say that challenges their way of seeing the world and their place in it. Those who are able to see many points of view would be more likely to accept their negative views being challenged. It’s not surprising then that the data analysis showed that those who had attempted suicide had higher rates of having assimilated a ‘Don’t Think’ Injunction than those who had never contemplated attempting suicide.It seems that those without a ‘Don’t Think’ Injunction would be more likely to be able to think through the consequences of their behaviour and so would be less likely to behave impulsively or irrationally. Although research shows that there are many differences between social, psychiatric and psychological factors among those who have attempted suicide and those who have never contemplated such an act, the data analysis

t 46 ufound that there were twelve statistically signicant predictive factors.Chapter Three will present and briey explain those twelve factors and will then describe how they can be used to calculate a risk assessment score. (Don’t worry if you don’t like math, it’s not hard).

t 47 uChapter ThreeThe ‘Risk Assessment Model’ Before we start this chapter, I want to remind you that it is vitally important to realise that this book is to help you as parents to identify whether your child may be at risk of attempting suicide. It is not a book that is intended for your child to read, and any risk percentage that you calculate should not be revealed to your child. The twelve factors that showed a signicant difference in those who had attempted suicide and those who had never thought about it were as follows:1) Suicidal behaviour in the family2) A ‘Don’t Exist’ Injunction3) A ‘Don’t Belong’ Injunction4) A ‘Don’t Think’ Injunction5) Low self-esteem

t 48 u6) A negative attitude 7) An external locus of control8) A poor relationship with a step-father9) Having parents who don’t live together10) Behaving impulsively11) Wishing that they’d never been born 12) Low self-efcacyThe data collected for the purpose of developing this risk assessment model was analysed using a computer program, Statistical Package for the Social Services (SPSS), which showed that each of these factors had a predictive value when identifying those at risk of suicide. The computer program showed the increased amount of risk when each factors was present, and although this has already been discussed the information is presented in a table to make it easier to see the rate at which attempted suicide is increased when each predictor is present.It shows that those who have family members who have engaged in suicidal behaviours are over thirteen times more likely to attempt suicide.

t 49 uLikewise, those who have assimilated a ‘Don’t Exist’ Injunction are over four times more likely to attempt suicide, and those with low self-esteem are almost four times more likely to attempt suicide.Table 1: Increased risk of suicide ratesPredictors of suicide Increased RiskSuicidal behaviour in the family X 13.1A ‘Don’t Exist’ Injunction X 4.2A ‘Don’t Belong’ Injunction X 2.2A ‘Don’t Think’ Injunction X 3.1A low sense of self-esteem X 3.8A negative attitude X 1.5An external locus of control X 2.0A poor relationship with a step-father X 2.5Parents who don’t live together X 1.7Behaving impulsively X 1.3Wishing that they’d never been born X 2.9Low self-efcacy X 1.7The rates of increased risk are shown for all the twelve factors that appear to be related to suicidal behaviours.

t 50 uThe computer program allows us to produce a model that will predict the level of risk depending upon how many of the risk factors are present in each individual person. To identify whether any of these factors are present in your child you will need to complete a short questionnaire. Some of the answers are obvious, like a family history of suicide, separated parents and having a step-parent. Some responses you will have to judge by your child’s behaviour and how well you know your child. For those questions that aren’t obvious I will compile a list of behaviours that your child might display to help you decide your answer.From this information you can calculate the percentage of risk. Don’t worry if you hate math, I will talk you through it… you will need a scientic calculator, pen and paper, that’s all.

t 51 uExamples of subjective risk factor behaviours ‘Don’t Exist’ InjunctionShould have been the opposite sexA product of rapeUnwanted pregnancyBirth prevented parents’ careersIncreased nancial burdenExpressed suicidal thoughtsMaternal post-natal depressionBeing abandoned at birthProlonged neonatal care in an incubator‘Don’t Belong’ InjunctionMarginalised by society due to race, religion, disability or body shape, etcHas no friendsConsidered a ‘loner’Belief that they are no good enough to be included in a team or activity Failure to form close relationshipsFeels like the ‘black sheep’ of the familyFears organised activities Being shunnedBeing bullied psychically or through social media

t 52 u‘Don’t Think’ InjunctionShows instant panic when things go wrongCan’t recognise the obvious answerBecomes hysterical when told ‘no’Acts ‘dumb’ so that others will solve problemsWon’t listen to other’s points of viewArgues over others giving directions/instructionsReluctant to read new materialFeels disoriented when faced with problemsEasily swayed by other peopleLow Self-esteemBelief that they are not good enoughBelief that others are better than themPoor body imageFeeling ashamed of themselves“I can never get anything right”Being compared unfavourably to othersSecond guessing themselvesLacks condenceSelf harming behavioursPoor hygiene Being very obese, or anorexic

t 53 uExternal Locus of ControlBelieves that he has no control over his lifeBelieves that external forces (government, religion, society) control his lifeBlames other people when things go wrong in his life Believes that what happens to him in life is due to fate, luck, or due to chanceBlames external circumstances (weather, poverty, disease) for lack of personal successes Success has nothing to do with personal abilityReliance on government funding, or resources, for daily lifeWishing that they’d never been bornSaying: “I wish I’d never been born.”“I hate my life.”“I’ve got nothing to live for.”Doesn’t see a futureSuicidal thoughts or actionsAddiction to drugs or alcohol if it interferes with everyday activitiesSees no point to being aliveBelieves that life isn’t worth the pain

t 54 uLow self-efcacySays, “I can’t” a lotAppears dependent on othersDoesn’t have any ambitionsBelieves he doesn’t have any personal powerLack of willpowerNo motivation to do anythingSays, “You do it for meFeels defeated before starting any activityDisplays increased levels of stressIncreased apathySays, “Why bother?”These examples are intended to help you make a judgement about your teenagers’ attitudes and behaviours so that can answer the questions in the following questionnaire to the best of your ability.We can never fully know what another person is thinking or feeling inside, which is why it’s hard to accurately identify those at risk of suicide, but we can listen to what our teenagers say, and observe their behaviours.

t 55 uPlease ll in the circle that best describes your child. There are no right or wrong answers. Thank you. Yes No1) Has any of your whole family ever attempted or committed suicide? • •2) Are there are times when your child feels that he/she shouldn’t be alive? • •3) Does your child feel that he/she doesn’t belong anywhere? • •4) Does your child nd it easy to think through his/her problems? • •5) My child never wishes that he/she had not been born. • •6) My child never behaves impulsively. • •7) My child believes that no matter what he/she does it will never be good enough. • •

t 56 u Yes No8) My child believes that life always goes wrong for him/her. • •9) Does your child live with both biological parents together? • •10) Does your child believe that he/she has no control over what happens in his/her life? • •11) Does your child have a poor relationship with a step-father? • •12) Does your child have a problem being able to achieve what he/she sets out to do. • •

t 57 uIf you are unsure of some of the answers this would be a good time to talk to your teenager and invite them to express how they are feeling. If they reveal that they sometimes feel that they shouldn’t be alive, or say that there are times when they wish they’d never been born, you should make sure that your child has access to a counsellor as soon as possible.Talking about emotions may make some parents anxious, particularly if they don’t know how to handle their child’s response, but the alternative is that any negative feelings your child may have bottled up inside them will stay locked inside festering. If you don’t talk about the things that are locked inside them the consequences could be awful, so look upon the questionnaire as a means to getting a dialogue going with your child.Now that you have the answers to the twelve questions it’s time to do the calculations, in private, away from your child.I suggest that you photocopy the questionnaire so that you can use it again in the future. You should also photocopy Table 2, as you will need to write on it.

t 58 uTable 2 helps you to identify which of the twelve predictors associated with attempted suicide may be present in your child. Column 1 indicates the question number from the questionnaire. Write the responses in column 2 next to the question number. If your response is the same as the one written in column 3, place a check/tick in column 4 on the same line. Do the same for all twelve questions. When you’ve done this, take a piece of paper and this is where you need a scientic calculator. Do not panic; I’ll talk you through it.If, however, guring out the calculations feels daunting to you, don’t worry as you can ask someone else to do it (not your teenager), or you can use the information shown in Table One as a guide to the proportion of risk your teenager may present.

t 59 uTable 2: The Response Sheet 1 2 3 4 5 Q. Your Is the If column If √‘d No. child’s response 2 and 3 include response the same are the in risk as these? same, √ sum 1 Yes + 2.573 2 Yes + 1.440 3 Yes + 0.770 4 No + 1.128 5 No + 1.062 6 No + 0.288 7 Yes + 1.345 8 Yes + 0.387 9 No + 0.546 10 Yes + 0.698 11 Yes + 0.926 12 Yes + 0.515 Constant _ 4.364You will notice that in column 5 all but the ‘constant’ gure have a plus sign in front of them. You need to add all the gures that have a check mark next to them in column 4. You then end with minus the ‘constant’, – 4.364.

t 60 uI shall give you an example.Suppose my child is a loner, has a negative attitude and doesn’t believe that she has any control over her life, her response sheet will look like this. (Responses in italics) 1 2 3 4 5 Q. Your Is the If column If √‘d No. child’s response 2 and 3 include response the same are the in risk as these? same, √ sum 1 No Yes + 2.573 2 No Yes + 1.440 3 Yes Yes √ + 0.770 4 Yes No + 1.128 5 Yes No + 1.062 6 Yes No + 0.288 7 No Yes + 1.345 8 Yes Yes √ + 0.387 9 Yes No + 0.546 10 Yes Yes √ + 0.698 11 No Yes + 0.926 12 No Yes + 0.515 Constant _ 4.364

t 61 uSo on my piece of paper I write the following: + 0.77 + 0.387 + 0.698 then always nish with the ‘constant’ – 4.364 Arithmetic !!!!Question 3 + 0.770 Question 8 + 0.387 Question 10 + 0.698 The ‘constant’ – 4.364 ________________ – 2.509 ________________Please note the answer has a minus sign in front of it.The next part of the math is the ‘hard bit’, but just follow the directions and you won’t have any problems.

t 62 uYou will need a ‘scientic’ calculator. Press ‘on’ and then ‘shift’. Then look for the button that has ‘In’ written on it and a yellow and pink ‘e’ above it; press that button. The screen will have a ashing ‘e’ on it. Type in the answer from your sum above, in this case – 2.509. If the answer from your sum has a minus in front of it, it is vitally important that you type in a minus sign before you type in the number (and don’t forget to type in the decimal point).Then press the = sign.In this example the answer to this procedure is 0.081; write this answer down and then press ‘off’ (that turns the calculator back to its ordinary functions). I shall call this answer the ‘e answer’.The nal part of the calculation is this. Take the ‘e answer’ and divide it by itself plus one.In this example that would look like this:

t 63 u0.081 ÷ 1.081 = 0.075Multiple this answer by 100 = 7.5There is an 8% chance of my child with this prole attempting suicide.Let’s review the calculation procedure.1) Insert your child’s answers into the response sheet.2) Check the responses that match those in column 3.3) Write out the gures in column 5 that are next to the check marks in column 4, not forgetting to put either plus or minus signs.4) End your sum with – 4.3645) Calculate

t 64 u6) Press ‘on’ then ‘shift’ and then ‘In’ and enter your answer. Press = to nd your ‘e- answer’.7) Divide your ‘e-answer’ by itself plus one.8) Multiple by 100.The only part of that formula that may be confusing is step 7, ‘Divide your e-answer’ by itself plus one’, so here are some examples to make it clearer.If your ‘e-answer’ is 0.013 then divide by 1.013If your ‘e-answer’ is 0.092 then divide by 1.092If your ‘e-answer’ is 0.48 then divide by 1.48If your ‘e-answer’ is 2.159 then divide by 3.159If your ‘e-answer’ is 3.838 then divide by 4.838If your ‘e-answer’ is 13.105 then divide by 14.105If your ‘e-answer’ is 37.291 then divide by 38.291

t 65 uIf your ‘e-answer’ is 123.832 then divide by 124.832If your ‘e-answer’ is 371.668 then divide by 372.668You add the 1 to the whole number not to the decimals.

t 66 uLet’s try a few more examples. Suppose my child seems well adapted but sometimes behaves impulsively. Her response sheet would look like this. (Responses in italics) 1 2 3 4 5 Q. Your Is the If column If √‘d No. child’s response 2 and 3 include response the same are the in risk as these? same, √ sum 1 No Yes + 2.573 2 No Yes + 1.440 3 No Yes + 0.770 4 Yes No + 1.128 5 Yes No + 1.062 6 No No √ + 0.288 7 No Yes + 1.345 8 No Yes + 0.387 9 Yes No + 0.546 10 No Yes + 0.698 11 No Yes + 0.926 12 No Yes + 0.515 Constant _ 4.364

t 67 uSo on my piece of paper I write the following: + 0.288 then always nish with the ‘constant’ – 4.364 Question 6 + 0.288 The ‘constant’ – 4.364 ________________ – 4.076 ________________Please note the answer has a minus sign in front of it.Remember, to get your ‘e-answer’ you need a ‘scientic’ calculator. Press ‘on’ and then ‘shift’. Then look for the button that has ‘In’ written on it and a yellow and pink ‘e’ above it; press that button. Type in the answer from your sum above, in this case – 4.076 and then press the equals sign.(Don’t forget to type in the minus sign rst)In this example the ‘e-answer’ is 0.017

t 68 u(Turn the calculator off and then on again)Take the ‘e answer’ and divide it by itself plus one.In this example that would look like this:0.017 ÷ 1.017 = 0.017Multiple this answer by 100 = 1.7In this case when the only predictor my child has is being impulsive, the risk of attempting suicide is 2%. If my child had none of the twelve predictors of suicide the calculation would only use the ‘constant’ gure of – 4.364. The ‘e-answer’ for this gure is 0.013Take the ‘e answer’ and divide it by itself plus one.0.013 ÷ 1.013 = 0.012Multiple this answer by 100 = 1.2

t 69 uThere is only a 1% chance of my child attempting suicide.Now, suppose my child is not only impulsive but also has a negative attitude, and because she doesn’t seem to be able to think through the consequences of her actions she also has low self-efcacy. Her response sheet would look like this. 1 2 3 4 5 Q. Your Is the If column If √‘d No. child’s response 2 and 3 include response the same are the in risk as these? same, √ sum 1 No Yes + 2.573 2 No Yes + 1.440 3 No Yes + 0.770 4 No No √ + 1.128 5 Yes No + 1.062 6 No No √ + 0.288 7 No Yes + 1.345 8 Yes Yes √ + 0.387 9 Yes No + 0.546 10 No Yes + 0.698 11 No Yes + 0.926 12 Yes Yes √ + 0.515 Constant _ 4.364

t 70 uSo on my piece of paper I write the following: + 1.128 + 0.288 + 0.387 + 0.515 and then always nish with the ‘constant’ – 4.364 Question 4 + 1.128 Question 6 + 0.288 Question 8 + 0.387 Question 12 + 0.515 The ‘constant’ – 4.364 ________________ – 2.046 ________________Please note the answer has a minus sign in front of it.Remember, to get your ‘e-answer’ you need a ‘scientic’ calculator. Press ‘on’ and then ‘shift’. Then press the button with ‘In’ written. Type in the answer from your sum above, in this case – 2.046 and then press the equals sign.(Don’t forget to type in the minus sign rst)

t 71 uIn this example the ‘e-answer’ is 0.129(Turn the calculator off and then on again)Take the ‘e answer’ and divide it by itself plus one.In this example that would look like this:0.129 ÷ 1.129 = 0.114Multiple this answer by 100 = 11.4You can see that the risk of attempting suicide has increased from 2% to 11% if my child had these four aspects of his personality.So far all the risk percentages have been low because the ‘Personality Quirks’ have not been overly serious. But what happens if the child has some serious ‘Personality Quirks’? How much are they at risk of attempting suicide then?

t 72 uSuppose Billy and his Mum have never got along; he feels that she wanted a girl not another boy, especially since his eldest brother committed suicide. Sometimes the arguing gets so bad that he secretly wishes that he’d never been born. Dad’s no help; he left after his brother died. To make matters worse, Mum’s remarried and his step-dad wants him out of the way. Billy has the following ‘Personality Quirks’; a ‘Don’t Exist Injunction’ and ‘wishing he hadn’t been born’. He also has other risk factors, a family member who has modelled that suicide is acceptable in his family, parental break-up and a step-father whom he doesn’t get along with.

t 73 uHis response sheet would look like this. 1 2 3 4 5 Q. Your Is the If column If √‘d No. child’s response 2 and 3 include response the same are the in risk as these? same, √ sum 1 Yes Yes √ + 2.573 2 Yes Yes √ + 1.440 3 No Yes + 0.770 4 Yes No + 1.128 5 No No √ + 1.062 6 Yes No + 0.288 7 No Yes + 1.345 8 No Yes + 0.387 9 No No √ + 0.546 10 No Yes + 0.698 11 Yes Yes √ + 0.926 12 No Yes + 0.515 Constant _ 4.364So the sum would look like this:Question 1 + 2.573 Question 2 + 1.440 Question 5 + 1.062

t 74 uQuestion 9 + 0.546 Question 11 + 0.926 The ‘constant’ – 4.364 ________________ 2.183 ________________Please note the answer does not have a minus sign in front of it this time.Press ‘on’ and ‘shift’ and then the button with ‘In’ written on it on your scientic calculator. Type in the answer from your sum above, in this case 2.183 (no minus sign) and then press the = sign.In this example the ‘e-answer’ is 8.873(Turn the calculator off and then on again)Take the ‘e answer’ and divide it by itself plus one.8.873 ÷ 9.873 = 0.899

t 75 uMultiple this answer by 100 = 89.9You can see that poor Billy, who has his ‘Personality Quirks’ and negative family situations, the risk of him attempting suicide is very high, 90%. That’s scary.The risk assessment model offered to you in this book is able to identify those at risk of suicide with 91% accuracy, but as with all risk assessment models there is some room for error. Your child may yield a high risk assessment percentage yet some other unknown factor will prevent him from attempting suicide. Likewise a child may yield a low risk assessment percentage yet still attempt suicide, particularly if they have learned that they can gain a lot of attention if they have attempted suicide in the past. Be very careful. Research shows that a teenager who has attempted suicide in the past is highly likely to try again if their feelings or circumstances haven’t changed since the previous attempt.

t 76 uIt would be wrong to look at these twelve predictors and panic because your child may have some of them. Having one predictor means very little when it stands alone. For example, if one of my family had committed suicide that alone would not mean that I would. Although family suicide is a serious risk factor there may be other things in my life that would prevent me from attempting suicide, factors that are unique to me, and unknown to anyone else. It is the combination of predictors that may increase the risk of me attempting suicide, not merely because a family member had. The same applies with all the predictors taken one by one. To illustrate the point Table 3 shows the risk of attempted suicide when each predictor stands alone.

t 77 uTable 3: The risk of attempted suicide occurring when only one predictor is present Predictor Risk Family suicide 14% ‘Don’t Exist Injunction’ 5% ‘Don’t Belong Injunction 3% ‘Don’t Think Injunction’ 4% Low self-esteem 5% A negative attitude 2% An external locus of control 3% Having a step-father 3% Not living with two parents 2% Being impulsive 2% Wish never been born 4% Low self-efcacy 2%It can be seen that with the exception of a history of suicide in the family all the predictors standing alone give a very low percentage of risk. If you are divorced your child will have at least one of the predictors (not living in a two-parent family) but Table 3 shows that there would only be a 2% increase in risk that your child may attempt suicide due to having just this one stressor in his life.

t 78 uIt makes sense that the predictors standing alone yield a low risk percentage because there are so many other aspects of your child’s personality or family life that can act as a mediator, or ‘buffer’ against the one individual predictor. For example, if your child’s father has left and does not want anything to do with your family, the impact of that may be softened by a supportive uncle, teacher, pastor or family friend. Yet if your child’s father leaves and it has a negative effect upon your child, where he feels abandoned, worthless and angry, he’ll feel ‘internal distress’. He will have more than just one predictor, which will then yield a higher risk of attempting suicide. So now that you have a risk percentage for your teenager, when should you be worried? This model assesses risk. It does not predict that a child will attempt suicide, it predicts the increasing risk of attempting suicide when more and more predictors are present. It shows that if a child has none of the predictors the risk of attempting suicide is very small; likewise if all the predictors are present there is a very high chance that he may be at risk of attempting suicide.

t 79 uIt would be inappropriate to suggest that if your child has a risk percentage above a certain point you should be worried, and below, you have no need to worry. It would seem more appropriate to suggest that if your child have any or all of the following four key predictors you would be wise to be concerned and watchful:A history of family suicideHaving a ‘Don’t Exist Injunction’ Low self-esteemWishing that they had never been born.The risk of a teenager with this prole attempting suicide would be high, 89%, and I would strongly advise that he has access to a doctor or counsellor.Yet even with a high risk percentage, even with several ‘Personality Quirks’ and negative family dynamics, it is the way that an individual responds internally to them that make them potent predictors or not. It seems that if an

t 80 uindividual has high levels of self-esteem he can cope with ‘Personality Quirks’ and the things that happen to him in life. When he can cope with these things, the chances of him experiencing ‘internal distress’ are greatly reduced. So self-esteem seems to be a key factor in your child being able to keep himself safe.If your child feels good about himself and is able to talk to you so that he doesn’t bottle up his feelings, then he is likely to be able to cope with his emotions and the things that happen to him in life.When life seems to goes wrong, when your teenager’s girlfriend or boyfriend goes off with someone else, when they get a poor grade or aren’t picked for the cheerleader team, when they fail their driving test or get called a ‘nerd’, these things will not threaten your teenagers’ sense of self if they have high levels of self-esteem. There are a host of other things that are vitally important to teenagers (even if they seem minor to us), that can seem insurmountable to them if they have low self-esteem. It seems that self-esteem may be the key to reducing the risk of adolescents attempting suicide.

t 81 uToday’s teenagers have more stressors than ever before due to the bullying that occurs on social media. They may have grown up assimilating very few Personality Quirks, but with a bombardment of negative messages on social media, which are instantly circulated throughout their school, it is entirely possible that they could develop some of the risk factors identied. For example, bullying wrecks your self-esteem, and makes you feel as if you don’t belong. You can’t think straight, and you develop an external locus of control because outside “forces” are shaping your life. Bullied teenagers often feel helpless because it’s difcult to stop cyber bullying, so they’d develop a low self-efcacy, and if the bullying continues unchecked, they could express suicidal thoughts. It seems vital to concentrate on raising a teenager’s self-esteem to help them cope with the above scenarios. I wanted to see whether having higher self-esteem would make a difference in reducing suicide risk, so I took my data and explored the difference by removing the low self-esteem risk factor.

t 82 uTable 4 shows the different proles of seven teenagers all with low self-esteem, some ‘Personality Quirks’ and negative family dynamics. The second percentage on the right shows how the risk of attempting suicide is reduced when the low self-esteem is removed. This table shows just how vital it is to build your child’s self-esteem and how it can reduce the risk of suicide, even if your child has some of the other risk predictors in this model.

t 83 uTable 4: Differing proles and risksProle Predictors Risk % -SE +SE 1 Family suicide ‘Don’t Exist Injunction’ 89% 67% Wish never born Low self-esteem 2 Parents not living together Has a step-father 40% 15% Negative attitude ‘Don’t Belong Injunction’ Low self-esteem 3 Family suicide ‘Don’t Belong Injunction’ 58% 26% Low self-esteem 4 Step-father ‘Don’t Exist Injunction’ 34% 12% Low self-esteem5 ‘Don’t Exist Injunction’ Wish never born 37% 13% Low self-esteem6 ‘Don’t Think Injunction’ Low self-efcacy 20% 7% Low self-esteem7 ‘Don’t Think Injunction’ Impulsive behaviour 29% 10% External locus of control Low self-esteem

t 84 uTable 4 shows that although we may inadvertently pass on ‘Personality Quirks’ from our own parents to our children, and they may have to endure all types of social and family problems, with high self-esteem they are better able to cope with these things. Look at prole 2. This teenager has had to deal with family break-up, he feels that he doesn’t belong anywhere and he’s beginning to get a negative attitude, but if we attempt to raise his self-esteem the risk of him attempting suicide drops from 40% to just 15%.Prole 7 describes many adolescents who nd themselves in juvenile detention centres. If someone can help to raise their self-esteem the risk of them attempting suicide is reduced from 29% to 10%.Even a teenager who has the highest risk, prole 1, endur-ing family suicide, a ‘Don’t Exist Injunction’, wishing that he’d not been born can reduce his risk of attempting sui-cide from 89% to 67% if his self-esteem is raised.In raising self-esteem we give our teenagers a tool with which to cope with ‘internal distress’.

t 85 uChapter FourRaising Self-Esteem So how do you raise your child’s self-esteem? Where do you begin to start, especially if your teenager is stroppy or moody and won’t listen to you? What do you do if your own self-esteem is low and you don’t know how to raise your own, let alone someone else’s? What can you do if you believe that your ‘Personality Quirks’ (which everyone has to some degree) are so ingrained in yours and your teenager’s personality that you think change is impossible?Here is something to think about. No matter what ‘Personality Quirks’ you may have, you can learn how to interact with others in a different way, a way that will raise their, or your own, self-esteem.

t 86 uYears ago when working with younger children with behavioural problems, our director of nursing asked me to think of a ways to engage with the most challenging and hurt patients. I’ve always loved stories and have written loads of short stories for my grandchildren. As a child I particularly loved fables with hidden meanings, so my contribution to helping those hurt children was to write age appropriate stories to help them learn to look at life in a different way. They all had developed “personality quirks” in very negative ways to survive their home lives, so I knew that changing their behaviour would be difcult, but not impossible if I kept things simple.As part of my Masters in psychotherapy I learned the concepts that formed Transactional Analysis, a therapeutic method to effect change developed by Dr. Eric Berne between 1949 and 1962. One of Berne’s colleagues, Dr. Claude Steiner wrote a children’s book called, “Warm Fuzzy Tale,” to illustrate Berne’s concept of “Strokes”. A stroke is dened as a “unit of recognition” or “any act implying the recognition of another’s presence”.Strokes refer to the way we interact with other people and they can be positive or negative, physical (a hug or a kick), verbal or non-verbal (a compliment or an insult), and

t 87 uconditional or unconditional (dependent upon behaviours versus blind bigotry).The theory of Strokes can be quite complicated but Dr. Steiner simplied it buy referring to any positive interaction as being Warm Fuzzies, and any negative interaction as being Cold Pricklies. By simplifying Berne’s concept of Strokes, I opened up the idea to everyone, including small children, so I decided to start there to give the children a tool that they could use to effect changes in their lives. To decide with their limited cognition what was right and what was wrong! I wanted them to be empowered, to know that by changing the way they behaved, others would respond differently towards them, and so they would learn how good it feels to be liked and to be praised.So I worked on the boss’s remit!!! I would nd a way to reach our beautiful hurt children. And storytelling was my entrance into their pain, a place where I could offer help, and lead them out of the darkness into the light. Here is the rst story, “What’s Inside Your Fuzzy Bag?”

t 88 u“What’s Inside Your Fuzzy Bag?” Long, long ago in the land of sunshine there lived a wise old doctor called Steiner, who sat in his round house in the middle of the woods, where people lined up to listen to his wisdom, and the creatures of the forest knew his name. “There are but two truths,” he said, his eyes twinkling. “Just two.” “Why so few?” a small child asked. Dr. Steiner laughed and said, “That’s what keeps life so simple.” “What are they?” asked the child’s parents. A hush spread through the circular room as the crowd waited to hear the great man speak. Savoring the moment he scanned the sea of faces before him, whilst kindness rested upon them. “The rst truth is,” he went on, “that from the moment of birth until the moment of death every human being, everywhere, seeks Strokes. They have to have them for they are as vital as air, water and food.” The crowd looked confused. “And what’s the second truth?’ a little boy asked. Dr. Steiner fell silent for a moment before speaking. “Ah, the second truth is the wisest of all wisdoms and shows us the way; how to be happy and healthy throughout life.”

t 89 u “What is it?” “The second truth is that any Stoke is better than no Stroke.” “The man’s an old fool,” cursed a man who had been dragged to the round house in the woods by his family. “I don’t believe in all this sloppy stuff. What’s he talking about?” Dr. Steiner heard him but smiled gently and began to tell his story. “Deep inside the woods lived a race of human beings that were blessed with a precious gift; each child was born with a brightly colored fuzzy bag that was full to the brim with Warm Fuzzies.” “Old fool,” the doctor heard the man say, “What’s a Warm Fuzzie?” “A Warm Fuzzie is something given to you by someone else that once received makes you feel warm all over; it makes you feel valued and special, as special as each of you are.” The man fell silent, to the relief of his wife and children. Dr. Steiner leaned forward, his eyes glowing, and he wagged his nger, shaking his head. “The Warm Fuzzies weren’t to keep for themselves. Oh, no, they were to give to other people, and as everyone had a fuzzy bag full to the brim with Warm Fuzzies, there were lots and lots of sharing, and people felt happy and

t 90 uvalued, so they had a massive party, one that went on for a life time.” Dr. Steiner’s face suddenly became solemn. “But not everyone gave out Warm Fuzzies though, for they believed that if they gave them away freely then they’d have none left for themselves, and their fuzzy bags would be empty, a feeling that would be intolerable. But they were so wrong,” he said. “A fuzzy bag never runs out, it’s like a magic porridge pot, always full, no matter how many times you dip into it.” The man in the back of the circular room shifted uncomfortably. “Those people who were scared of giving for fear of running out of Warm Fuzzies for themselves were frightened at the thought of being fuzzy-less and alone. Although they were at the great party of life they began to notice that because they weren’t able to give Warm Fuzzies away freely they were being ignored and left alone, and they weren’t having so much fun as everyone else. So they devised a way of being able to give so that they would be accepted by the other party revelers but wouldn’t have to give their Warm Fuzzies away. “They hid their fuzzy bags and sat up through the long, dark night and sewed another bag, one that looked like a fuzzy bag yet was full of Cold Pricklies, but with that bag in their hands they were able to give to the people who gave to them at the party, which made them feel a bit better.

t 91 uBut as they pulled out jagged Cold Pricklies and gave them away freely, little by little a shivery feeling spread through the great party, and children who had expected only Warm Fuzzies, now had doubt on their faces and a tinge of fear, wondering whether they were going to receive a wonderful Warm Fuzzie, or whether a Cold Picklie would pounce upon them and shrivel their sense of worth.” Both the children and their parents sat at Dr. Steiner’s feet in awe, their mouths open, and even the man at the back of the round house was silent. Dr. Steiner coughed, and something between sadness and joy settled on his face. “You know, Warm Fuzzies and Cold Pricklies have another name, they are called Strokes. There are two kinds of Strokes, positive ones and negative ones, Warm Fuzzies and Cold Pricklies, and every human being from the moment of birth to the moment of death seeks Strokes; that’s the rst truth. Yet the second truth is the one that will determine our growth as human beings, for if the only Strokes we have to offer are negative ones, Cold Pricklies, then they are the only ones available to our children. Remember the second truth, “Any Stroke is better than no Stroke,” and our children will learn how to obtain those Cold Pricklies as they need Strokes to survive as human beings. If you are unable to give Warm Fuzzies you force a child to seek the only alternative, Cold Pricklies, in order to feel validated and alive.”

t 92 u An old woman in the middle of the room shouted out, “But how do you know the difference between a positive and negative Stroke?” Dr. Steiner didn’t get a chance to answer for the children called out, “I know, I know. I know what Cold Pricklies are.” The smile on his face reected a further truth, that children need no words to know what’s in the heart of those before them. They jumped up and called out one by one. “A Cold Pricklie is when you’re shouted at, and told to ‘shut up’, or called ‘boy’ instead of your own name.” “Another Cold Pricklie is to be ignored or nagged, or disbelieved.” “My worse Cold Pricklie is when I’m promised something but because my Mum and Dad are in a mood they won’t let me have it and don’t keep their promises,” cried another child. “I hate it when I’m told to ‘go away’ for I feel like I don’t matter.” “My worse Cold Pricklie is being shamed in front of my friends and made to feel stupid.” “Sometimes I feel like I can’t win so why even bother to try,” another child said sadly. Silence hung in the air in that round room full of people in the woods, as the children sat back down again, and the man at the back was the quietest.

t 93 u “The easiest way to know the difference between positive Strokes and negative Strokes is that positive ones make you feel good and negative ones make you feel bad. There are a million and one positive Strokes that you can give, like ‘Good job’, or ‘Well done‘, or ‘I’m so proud of you’, and you don’t even have to say anything to give out positive Strokes, you can smile, pat someone on the back or give a safe hug. The only way to help children grow healthily and to feel valued,” Dr Steiner said, without any reprimand in his voice, “is to give Warm Fuzzies, for even those children who have never known the warm fuzzy feeling of being valued will respond in the end to being given Warm Fuzzies, and will give up their search for Cold Pricklies once they’re shown another way.” The man at the back of the room found his voice again and asked a question that hung on the lips of the other parents. “Yes, but giving children these …things, what ever you call them…” “Warm Fuzzies,” Dr Steiner prompted. “…Warm Fuzzies,” the man said, as if the gentleness of their name was repugnant to him, “But if we give these …things… to our children when they’re acting up it’ll only reward them for their bad behavior. Give them a whooping that’s what I say. It never did me any harm.”

t 94 u Sadness spread over Dr. Steiner’s face and he said, “Tell me, sir, look into your own fuzzy bag and see what’s there. Does yours hold Warm Fuzzies or Cold Pricklies?” The man went very red as he looked inside his heart and found hundreds of Cold Pricklies all ghting to get out to spread a shiver on whoever they landed upon. He fell silent and looked down. “You see,” said the doctor, “Receiving Cold Pricklies as a child or even as an adult does do harm. It causes a person to stop searching for Warm Fuzzies, and so their fuzzy bags are full of Cold Pricklies and they are the only thing they have to give away to others in the future.” “Then where is the hope?” the man’s wife asked, with anxiety etched on her face. “Ah, there’s always hope,” Dr. Steiner said kindly. “Even if the bag you hold at the moment is full of Cold Pricklies, you can empty it and chase the Cold Pricklies away so that there’s room for the Warm Fuzzies to ll your fuzzy bag.” Another man shouted out. “But if our children are out of control then how will these Warm Fuzzies gain control and keep them safe?” A murmur of ascent rippled through the room. “Yes, our children will walk all over us if we keep giving them Warm Fuzzies.” Dr. Steiner waited until the crowd became quiet, and

t 95 usaid, “There is not one human being alive that doesn’t need boundaries or who doesn’t have to follow rules, we all do, but that’s got nothing to do with the giving of Warm Fuzzies or Cold Pricklies. It’s what we give within those boundaries that either helps us grow or not.” “What shall we do?” a young mother asked, “My bag is full of Cold Pricklies and I don’t know how to give Warm Fuzzies. How can I change?” Dr. Steiner smiled at her honesty and reached into his lilac fuzzy bag and threw a smiling sugar-pink Warm Fuzzie at her, which settle around her shoulders, melting her anxiety. “You are very honest, my dear, and brave. All change is difcult and gradual, so why not practice giving just ve Warm Fuzzies per day until it feels more comfortable, and then gradually increase the number you give until giving them becomes as natural as breathing.” “But what happens if the Cold Pricklies pop out when I’m not looking?” “They almost certainly will to start with, after all they’ve been spreading shivers for years, but now that you know all about Warm Fuzzies, each time a Cold Pricklie escapes, you’ll see it and the harm it does, and so you’ll be on guard and gradually they’ll wither and die. Trust me, it’s true.” The children began to dget, as all children do, and Dr. Steiner stood up.

t 96 u “Just remember the two truths and you’ll all be alright. ‘From the moment of birth until the moment of death every human being seeks Strokes’ and ‘Any Stroke is better than no Stroke’, and if you remember these truths life and loving will be easy. I’m tried now, my friends, I need to sleep.” The crowd showered him with Warm Fuzzies and gratitude and led out of the round house in the woods, leaving to go forth and spread his simple words of wisdom, whilst the old doctor nestled into his bed surrounded by the creatures of the forest.” * * *The children loved the story and they made it personal to themselves by saying what colour their fuzzy bags were and what they were made of. They identied their worst Cold Pricklie and their best Warm Fuzzie, and I knew that they had understood the concept. The following day when I went into work the children were lining up for dinner and one little boy had made a long paper sword. He proudly stated that the sword was to chop up all the Cold Pricklies, “because there sure are a lot ying around here.” What insight he showed!!

t 97 u* * *The challenge to everyone reading the story is, “Are you the guy in the back of the circular room?” Is your fuzzy bag, your heart, full with Cold Pricklies or Warm Fuzzies? For, “If you are unable to give Warm Fuzzies you force a child to seek the only alternative, Cold Pricklies.” The point of the story is that all children need boundaries and rules, we all have to have them, even adults; they help us to feel safe and know what we’re supposed to be doing, but it is the way we enforce those boundaries that is the main issue. If you hear someone speaking to a child in a loud, abrasive way, they are giving out Cold Pricklies.Giving little children Cold Pricklies is the root cause of all ‘Personality Quirks’. They rob a child of his self-esteem and make him feel as if he isn’t important. If a child is only able to get Cold Pricklies from his parents, he sets off down a path through life that he would never have travelled if he had been able to get Warm Fuzzies. Perhaps this happened to you as a child. Try and understand how ‘Personality Quirks’ get passed down from one

t 98 ugeneration to the next, it happens through the exchange of Cold Pricklies. Understanding this will help you to get rid of blame, which is so important, for blame lls your fuzzy bag full to the brim with Cold Pricklies, and then you pass them on to everyone else around you, including your children. It seems a scary thought that what we do as parents whilst our children are very young can inuence them so profoundly.I wrote a second story to show what happens to children who are unable to get any Warm Fuzzies.

t 99 uThe Play-Mad Imps “Long, long ago in the land that bobbed in and out of view depending upon the sea mist, there was a village where all the grown-ups were so busy hunting and gathering food that they had forgotten to tell their children that their fuzzy bags were magic and would always be full of Warm Fuzzies every time they reached into them. They never learned that they could give Warm Fuzzies to everyone without being scared that their fuzzy bags would one day be empty. The children watched their parents collecting berries and nuts from the trees and bushes, trapping sh and wild boars. As the children watched their parents putting the berries and nuts into the sacks on their backs they believed that they had to hunt for Warm Fuzzies in the same way as their parents hunted for the food that nurtured them. The parents were so busy that they failed to see a tribe of creatures called Play-Mad Imps who hid behind the bushes and owers when grown-ups were near, but whose favorite place was to sit astride a small child’s shoulders while their parents weren’t listening to their children. Some children learned to be very good, always doing what their parents wanted, so their fuzzy bags were stuffed to the brim with Warm Fuzzies, and the Play-Mad Imps

t 100 unever sat astride these children’s shoulders. Other children with parents who were so busy that they forgot to give their children any Warm Fuzzies, tried all kinds of ways to get Warm Fuzzies, and they worked so hard at it that they were exhausted, and it was these children that the Play-Mad Imps sought out. One day two children who struggled so hard to nd positive ways to get Warm Fuzzies that they too were exhausted, saw their friends struggling down the road with their fuzzie bags full to bursting, so intrigued, they ran after them. “Tell us,” they cried, “How come your fuzzy bag is so full and we can’t seem to nd extra Warm Fuzzies? How did yours get to be so full?” Their friends laughed and set their fuzzy bags down on the ground, rubbing the pain out of their shoulders because the fuzzy bags were so heavy. “We found an easier way,” they laughed, and riding on their shoulders hiding behind their heads, the Play-Mad Imps cackled and poked their tongues out at each other. They pulled open their bags and the two children jumped back in horror, for their fuzzy bags were not lled with Warm Fuzzies, they were lled with hundreds of Cold Pricklies all waiting to get out and cause havoc. “It’s so much easier,” a little boy said. “We tried to get Warm Fuzzies but no one seemed to want to give us any, so we decided to ll our fuzzy bags with Cold Pricklies,

t 101 ubecause grown-ups seem to give them away all the time. Even when you’ve tried to get Warm Fuzzies from them and they’ve ignored you, you can be sure that if you ‘Play-Mad’ and do something that irritates them, they’ll give you a Cold Pricklie, even if they’re so busy that they haven’t got any time for you.” The other children all nodded. “It’s true, it really is, and it’s lots of fun, too. We see who can think up the worst things to do to force our parents to take notice of us and give us a Cold Pricklie, and we have a prize for the one who thinks up the worst behaviours. ‘Play-Mad’ is fun.” The two children looked dismayed, “But doesn’t it make you feel bad? Don’t the Cold Pricklies hurt you and shrivel your sense of worth?” The children fell silent for a while until one child spoke. “Well, yes, that’s true, they do make you feel bad, sometimes really bad, but there doesn’t seem to be any other choice.” The group of children suddenly weren’t so happy, and looked at each other, not knowing what to say or do. Talking to the two little children had reminded them that Warm Fuzzies were so much better than Cold Pricklies, for in their determination to make sure that their fuzzy bags felt full they had forgotten how wonderful Warm Fuzzies were. They had become so wrapped up in the excitement

t 102 uof trying to nd all manner of ways to get Cold Pricklies that they’d ignored how bad Cold Pricklies made them feel. The two children looked confused. “What is ‘Play-Mad?” The biggest of the group of children began to explain. “It’s when you’re not really mad, you’re just playing at being mad because it’s one of the best ways to make grown-ups take notice of you and give you Cold Pricklies… it never fails. You’re right, Cold Pricklies do hurt but after you get used to them it’s actually fun to nd different ways to make grown-ups mad and take notice of you. You know that they won’t give you any Warm Fuzzies because they’re too busy, so getting Cold Pricklies is better than getting nothing from them. We’ve become very clever at ‘Play-Mad’, and some nights we sit around our camp-re and boast about who has ‘Play-Mad’ the best and laugh at the antics it took to get those Cold Pricklies.” “But how do you know when you’re really mad and angry?” The group of children looked at each other and couldn’t answer for each of them had ‘Play-Mad’ for so long that they couldn’t remember having angry feelings that were real and due to a real cause. They didn’t know how to answer so the leader of the group changed the subject. “You can join us if you want,” he said to the two little children.

t 103 u They stepped back and started to stutter. “I don’t like the way Cold Pricklies make me feel,” they each said honestly. “I only want Warm Fuzzies; I think I’d rather go without anything than resort to only looking for Cold Pricklies.” The group of children looked at each other again for guidance and seeing the leader frown they too pulled an angry ‘Play-Mad’ face. The two little children started to back away feeling fearful, and as the group began to step up to them with their sts clenched, they turned again and ran away as fast as they could. “You won’t nd any Warm Fuzzies,” they called after them, “Don’t be foolish, come with us and learn how to ‘Play-Mad’ then your fuzzy bag will always be full.” The two little children shouted over their shoulders as they ran away, “We’re going to keep searching for Warm Fuzzies,” they said, their voices full of faith. The group of children couldn’t chase after them because their fuzzy bags were so heavy being full of Cold Pricklies that weighed heavily upon them, and so the two little children escaped to safety. Later that night when their parents put the food they’d hunted and gathered on the dinner table the two little children told them what had happened, how they’d been scared, and tempted, but how they had held faithfully on to the hope that they could nd enough Warm Fuzzies to keep their fuzzy bags full.

t 104 u Their parents glanced at each other and sadness spread across their faces. “Oh, my dear, beautiful children, we have been neglectful, for in our search to put food on our table, we have failed to tell you the greatest truth. Every human being’s fuzzy bag is magic and will never, ever run out of Warm Fuzzies, ever. Each time you reach into the bag and give someone a Warm Fuzzie another one grows to take its place. It can never run out and leave your fuzzy bag empty. You have no need to seek Cold Pricklies, no one does. Thank heavens you had faith. We’re so proud of you and promise that from this day forth we will not be so busy hunting and gathering to nourish your bodies that we fail to give you enough Warm Fuzzies to nourish your souls.”* * *This story describes two good parents who worked so hard to provide a home and food for their children that they failed to realise how important giving Warm Fuzzies was to their childrens’ sense of worth. They had not intended to hurt them in that way, as most parents don’t. The group of children in the story learned that the only way to get the attention that all children deserve, they had to ‘act out’, or to play at being angry. They learned

t 105 uthat even if their parents were too busy to pay attention to them, they would give out Cold Pricklies when they were irritated.We’ve all done it, and once in a while probably doesn’t do too much harm, but to consistently give out Cold Pricklies reinforces a child’s negative behaviour, but worse than that, it damages their sense of self-worth and their self-esteem. Sometimes the responsibility of being a parent seems insurmountable and we can all beat ourselves up with, “What if I’d done it differently”. “Is it my fault that my child has turned out this way?” or “Is it my fault that he tried to kill himself?”There is no merit in such self-blaming thoughts. The past is the past and it’s the future that matters. Ask yourself another question instead, “What can I do to put things right or make them better?”The answer is simple. All ‘Personality Quirks’ will have the edges rubbed off them if you learn to give your child Warm Fuzzies instead of Cold Pricklies. It’s as simple as that.

t 106 uSo pat yourself on the back for the good things you’ve done for your children, be aware of any suicide risk using this risk assessment model, and be as watchful as a hawk. But most importantly, stay calm, don’t shout, talk to your child, listen to him and give him rm respectful boundaries. Give him as many Warm Fuzzies as you can. Remember the story: “What shall we do?” a young mother asked, “My bag is full of Cold Pricklies and I don’t know how to give Warm Fuzzies. How can I change?” Dr Steiner smiled at her honesty and reached into his lilac fuzzy bag and threw a smiling sugar-pink Warm Fuzzie at her, which settle around her shoulders, melting her anxiety. “You are very honest, my dear, and brave. All change is difcult and gradual, so why not practice giving just ve Warm Fuzzies per day until it feels more comfortable, and then gradually increase the number you give until giving them becomes as natural as breathing.” “But what happens if the Cold Pricklies pop out when I’m not looking?” “They almost certainly will to start with, after all they’ve been spreading shivers for years, but now that you

t 107 uknow all about Warm Fuzzies, each time a Cold Pricklie escapes, you’ll see it and the harm it does, and so you’ll be on guard and gradually they’ll wither and die.” “Trust me, it’s true.”

If you have been affected by any part of this book speak to someone. Expressing your feelings, whether it’s to your doctor, counsellor, church members, team members, or your best friend, is a very healthy thing to do, as it relieves stress and the sense of being alone.There are organizations that you can call, like the Samaritans, if you are experiencing an emotional crisis, and professional family centers and family therapists are available if parenting becomes too challenging.Be kind to yourself for despite hardships, life is a wonderful thing. * * *If you are worried about your teenager there are ten therapeutic novels available that address the suicidal risk factors, all on Amazon Kindle.If you are interested in embarking upon a journey of self-discovery, look out for my new book, “I’m the boss of me,” to be released in 2023.www.wighitapress.com

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Please ll in the circle that best describes your child. There are no right or wrong answers. Thank you. Yes No1) Has any of your whole family ever attempted or committed suicide? • •2) Are there are times when your child feels that he/she shouldn’t be alive? • •3) Does your child feel that he/she doesn’t belong anywhere? • •4) Does your child nd it easy to think through his/her problems? • •5) My child never wishes that he/she had not been born. • •6) My child never behaves impulsively. • •7) My child believes that no matter what he/she does it will never be good enough. • •8) My child believes that life always goes wrong for him/her. • •

Yes No9) Does your child live with both biological parents together? • •10) Does your child believe that he/she has no control over what happens in his/her life? • •11) Does your child have a poor relationship with a step-father? • •12) Does your child have a problem being able to achieve what he/she sets out to do. • •

Table 2: The Response Sheet 1 2 3 4 5 Q. Your Is the If column If √‘d No. child’s response 2 and 3 include response the same are the in risk as these? same, √ sum 1 Yes + 2.573 2 Yes + 1.440 3 Yes + 0.770 4 No + 1.128 5 No + 1.062 6 No + 0.288 7 Yes + 1.345 8 Yes + 0.387 9 No + 0.546 10 Yes + 0.698 11 Yes + 0.926 12 Yes + 0.515 Constant _ 4.364

Please ll in the circle that best describes your child. There are no right or wrong answers. Thank you. Yes No1) Has any of your whole family ever attempted or committed suicide? • •2) Are there are times when your child feels that he/she shouldn’t be alive? • •3) Does your child feel that he/she doesn’t belong anywhere? • •4) Does your child nd it easy to think through his/her problems? • •5) My child never wishes that he/she had not been born. • •6) My child never behaves impulsively. • •7) My child believes that no matter what he/she does it will never be good enough. • •

Yes No8) My child believes that life always goes wrong for him/her. • •9) Does your child live with both biological parents together? • •10) Does your child believe that he/she has no control over what happens in his/her life? • •11) Does your child have a poor relationship with a step-father? • •12) Does your child have a problem being able to achieve what he/she sets out to do. • •

Table 2: The Response Sheet 1 2 3 4 5 Q. Your Is the If column If √‘d No. child’s response 2 and 3 include response the same are the in risk as these? same, √ sum 1 Yes + 2.573 2 Yes + 1.440 3 Yes + 0.770 4 No + 1.128 5 No + 1.062 6 No + 0.288 7 Yes + 1.345 8 Yes + 0.387 9 No + 0.546 10 Yes + 0.698 11 Yes + 0.926 12 Yes + 0.515 Constant _ 4.364

Please ll in the circle that best describes your child. There are no right or wrong answers. Thank you. Yes No1) Has any of your whole family ever attempted or committed suicide? • •2) Are there are times when your child feels that he/she shouldn’t be alive? • •3) Does your child feel that he/she doesn’t belong anywhere? • •4) Does your child nd it easy to think through his/her problems? • •5) My child never wishes that he/she had not been born. • •6) My child never behaves impulsively. • •7) My child believes that no matter what he/she does it will never be good enough. • •

Yes No8) My child believes that life always goes wrong for him/her. • •9) Does your child live with both biological parents together? • •10) Does your child believe that he/she has no control over what happens in his/her life? • •11) Does your child have a poor relationship with a step-father? • •12) Does your child have a problem being able to achieve what he/she sets out to do. • •

Table 2: The Response Sheet 1 2 3 4 5 Q. Your Is the If column If √‘d No. child’s response 2 and 3 include response the same are the in risk as these? same, √ sum 1 Yes + 2.573 2 Yes + 1.440 3 Yes + 0.770 4 No + 1.128 5 No + 1.062 6 No + 0.288 7 Yes + 1.345 8 Yes + 0.387 9 No + 0.546 10 Yes + 0.698 11 Yes + 0.926 12 Yes + 0.515 Constant _ 4.364

Please ll in the circle that best describes your child. There are no right or wrong answers. Thank you. Yes No1) Has any of your whole family ever attempted or committed suicide? • •2) Are there are times when your child feels that he/she shouldn’t be alive? • •3) Does your child feel that he/she doesn’t belong anywhere? • •4) Does your child nd it easy to think through his/her problems? • •5) My child never wishes that he/she had not been born. • •6) My child never behaves impulsively. • •7) My child believes that no matter what he/she does it will never be good enough. • •

Yes No8) My child believes that life always goes wrong for him/her. • •9) Does your child live with both biological parents together? • •10) Does your child believe that he/she has no control over what happens in his/her life? • •11) Does your child have a poor relationship with a step-father? • •12) Does your child have a problem being able to achieve what he/she sets out to do. • •

Table 2: The Response Sheet 1 2 3 4 5 Q. Your Is the If column If √‘d No. child’s response 2 and 3 include response the same are the in risk as these? same, √ sum 1 Yes + 2.573 2 Yes + 1.440 3 Yes + 0.770 4 No + 1.128 5 No + 1.062 6 No + 0.288 7 Yes + 1.345 8 Yes + 0.387 9 No + 0.546 10 Yes + 0.698 11 Yes + 0.926 12 Yes + 0.515 Constant _ 4.364