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chaosquick-start guideb y J a m i K i r k b r i d eGuide for Parents NavigatingEmotional StormsGrace in the

Hello! My name is Jami Kirkbride. I am aspeaker, author, professional counselor,parenting coach, and my favorite roles of all--awife and mom to seven blessings! I've had thejoy of being a contributing author to sixdifferent books and co-author of The You Zoo. As a regularly featured guest on theChannelMom radio program, I share my heartwith parents on KRKS out of Denver. Beingfeatured in a variety of places with MOPSInternational, TODAY Parenting Team, KPOF,and CBN.com, has given me opportunity toexpand that reach. I am the founder ofParenting With Personality and creator of thesignature course with Calm Connection ParentCoaching Program.You can often find me with a cup of creamycoffee, curled up in front of a heater, writing orcreating resources to help and encourageparents. Maybe I'm a bit of a word nerd, but I'dconsider writing to be almost as fun asshopping or napping. My kids provide me withan abundance of laughter, activity, inspiration,and a healthy dose of humility. Perhaps theirsilly antics will give me a lifetime of things towrite about. aboutm eNavigating the world of “invisibledisabilities,” which oddly enough maybe unnoticeable to others, yet painfullyobvious in your home, can beexhausting. Resources are few and farbetween, leaving you to feel alone inthe struggle.Finding support and guidance can feelscary, as you don’t want to expose yourfamily to something that wouldn’t alignwith your values and faith. Yet thereisn’t a lot to choose from. And you’releft feeling discouraged, depleted,desperate, and defeated.You need a plan. You need supportand guidance that can help you figureout strategies to calm the emotionalchaos without crushing the connectionyou desire with your child.Hopefully this resource can help youput together the pieces of your child’sunique needs and journey, giving youideas about where supports and moreinformation are needed. I’m here tohelp you get started.Hugs to you on this journey,

Table of ContentsManagingMeltdownsYour action plan to guide youthrough the process, givingsimple steps to making change.05Learn the differences betweenthe two so you know when andhow to respond effectively.Figure out you and your child’spersonality to get your firstglimpse into needs and traits.Examine traits to see if beinghighly sensitive relates to yourchild’s emotions or dysregulation.Explore signals that relate tosensory avoidance or seekingand how it relates to emotions.Tantrum vs.Meltdown06PersonalityQuadrants07HighlySensitive Child09SensorySensitive Child10Identify mindsets that are nothelpful and shift perspective toones that are more effective.Manage YourMindset 13Discover what to say and not saywhen it comes to calming anangry child. Might surprise you.Calming anAngry Child1403Consider what you might see ifyour child is having executivefunctioning difficulties.ExecutiveFunctions11Examine some common mentalhealth issues that may contributeto meltdowns/intense emotions.Mental HealthIssues12

Record information from otherpages here to get a better pictureof needs or issues to explore.Journal your thoughts about whatyou’ve learned, what you need toexplore further and next steps.Use this tool for planning andcollaborative problem solvingsituations, holidays, struggles, etc.Devise family Calm Care Plan sothat you will know what you needto find peace, calm, and safety.My ChildUniquely Wired17Putting it AllTogether18Family Huddle19Calm Care Plan20Identify which Parenting WithPersonality courses, books, andother resources may be useful. RecommendedResources22Table of ContentsHear what clients in the CalmConnection Program say aboutcoaching and support received.Testimonials24Evaluate what needs you andyour family may have for furthersupport, guidance, and coaching.Coaching NeedsAssessment21Book your call today and find outwhat your next steps in thejourney are. I’m here to help!Book a Call2504Parenting byNumber16Remember important parentingtips by number for easy recall andapplicable use in connecting.Understand and learn iHeart toolsso you can calm your child andbuild a lasting connection.iHeartApproach15

Quick-Start Action Planmanaging meltdownsDefine Your Child's Needs1Choose Priority Area of Focus2Assess Your Approach4Devote Time to Connect/Change5Change Your Perspective 3Determine if child's behavior and emotions are apersonality, sensory, or mental health need..Decide when the emotions or behaviors occurmost and start working in that one area.Learn the most powerful mindsets in working withyour child and how you can adjust your view.Use an approach that offers consistency but alsoflexibility, so you and your child know what to expect.Put in the time to connect with your child and gainunderstanding to make necessary changes.Managing Meltdowns05

tantrum vsReaction totriggerSignal a needIrrationalExhaustingLack of SkillOverwhelmedUnawareUnresponsiveDysregulatedEmotionalTantrum MeltdownFrustratedAwareResponsiveControlledPurposefulmeltdownYou will use different strategies for each Your child will be capable of different things during each of themThere will be different emotions associated with eachThe way they unfold can be very differentYou will notice that there are both similarities and differences with tantrums andmeltdowns. Take some time to notice the differences. These are important toknow for the following reasons:You will also notice similarities. Remembering these things helps you move intosorting and discerning what approach and empathy is needed for the situation.06

personalityparent personality “Let’s do it the fun way!”The Talker Strengths: Struggles: Energetic Loud Enthusiastic Undependable i Inviting Easily Distracted Cheerleader Impulsive Needs: Attention, Affection, Approval, Acceptance “Let’s do it my way!”The Worker Strengths: Struggles: Productive Bossy Multi-tasker Know It All Leader Offensive Organizes People Controlling Needs: Loyalty, Sense of Control, Appreciation, Credit for Work “Let’s do it the right way!”The Thinker Strengths: Struggles: Analytical Hesitant Organized Uptight Compassionate Moody Reliable Critical Needs: Sensitivity, Support, Space, Silence “Let’s do it the easy way!”The Watcher Strengths: Struggles: Loyal Dull Dependable Indecisive Consistent No Initiative Patient Spineless Needs:Peace and Quiet, Feeling of Worth, Lack of Stress, Respect Playful Sanguine Powerful CholericProper MelancholicPeaceful Phlegmatic

personalitychild personalityPowerful CholericPeaceful Phlegmatic Proper MelancholicPlayful Sanguine

The Highly Sensitive Childthe highly sensitive childUNDERSTANDING AND APPRECIATINGEasily overwhelmed bylights, smells, or soundsAsks a lot of questionsVery aware of changes toenvironment or people'smoodsDisplays high level ofcaution or fear, especiallyin new situationsMore prone to experiencemeltdownsHas a very high level ofempathy for others feelingsand situationAnxious about newsituationsLow tolerance for pain, frustration, or correctionTend to be inflexible andrigid, needing controlBothered by clothing tags,tight-fitting, itchy or roughtextures of clothingVery intuitive, perceptive,and perfectionisticPrefers quiet activities overloud or active onesVery reactive to other'smoods and surroundingsWired to feel andexperience things deeplyThinks very deeply aboutthings, especially theirfailures, self-conscious Takes things personallyDifficulty making decisionsNotices details andsubtleties that others tendto missMay tend toward holdinggrudgesSpends a lot of time readingpeople Often drawn to animalsExperience emotionalextremesLook at the following traits of many highly sensitive children. Youmay notice that your child exhibits some of these.09

The Sensory Sensitive Childthe sensory sensitive childUNDERSTANDING AND APPRECIATINGDislikes bright lightsPrefers dark settingsAvoids eye contactDistracted by color/movementDistracted by visual detailDifficulty seeing differencesTrouble finding itemsDifficulty with trackingStruggles to visually attendDifficulty with depth perceptionDifficulty seeing contrastsDislikes unexpected touchBothered by textures or tagsDifficulty walking on texturesDislikes messy play or getting dirtyDifficulty with liquid/tactile thingsShows need to touch everythingTouches people or things annoyinglyLacks awareness of food on faceLittle or no reaction to painHigh need to engage in messy playDislikes foods based on smellNotices smells others don'tResponds strongly to smellsAvoids places because of smellsCraves foods with strong smellsDoesn't notice unpleasant smellsSmells objects or peopleDifficulty discriminating smellsDislikes unexpected loud noisesMay cover ears to avoid soundsDifficulty with distraction from noiseDifficulty with certain sound frequencyMay avoid places because of soundsDoesn't respond to name being calledEnjoys making a lot of noises/soundsNeeds verbal directions repeated a lotConfused by locations of soundsTurns volume up too loudAvoids swings, ladders, slidesFear of heights or even stairsDislikes being upside downMay lose balance and be clumsyDifficulty with balance and postureAvoids spinningFearful if feet leave the groundSpins for long periods of timeSwings intense or long timeLoves roller coasters or thrill ridesRocks in place even when sitttingLoves being tossed or raised highLikes playing with scooters, bikes, etc.Enjoys rocking/moving head aroundSeeks movement too much Gets overly excited when movingTakes risks that are unsafe in movingFalls down on purpose for funSeeks to crash into things or rollPrefers tight clothingOften hits, pushes, or bites othersDifficulty pushing too hard or too softDifficulty producing the right forceBreaks items frequentlyDifficulty being gentle with thingsTrouble disciminating heavinessLook at some of the traits of a sensory sensitive child. Figuring out theirsensitives or affected systems can be useful in managing their meltdowns.tactilevisualolfactoryauditoryproprioceptivevestibularUnaware of pain or temperatureDoesn’t feel hunger or thirst signalsDifficulty identifying emotionsHeightened awareness hunger/thirstFeel emotions more intenselyHeightened awareness and lasting paininteroceptionPrefers spicy, strong flavor, hot, coldEats or chews on non-food itemsLimited range of liked foods-pickyExperience anxiety with new foodsStrong cravings or preferencesgustatory10

A child who struggles might avoid or delay starting chores, homework, or evenfun activities.Working Memory--holding and manipulating information in your mindThis child may forget what they were just told, or have trouble following multi-step instructions.Emotional Control-managing emotions in a way that helps, not hinders, taskQuick to anger or frustration, mood swings, difficulty calming down afterexcitement or disappointment.Interrupting conversations, grabbing objects without asking, difficulty waitingtheir turn.Flexible Thinking--adjust to change or new infoDifficulty handling changes in routine, struggling to solve problems with noclear solution.Self-Monitoring--assessing how you're doing in the midst of an activityLack of awareness about behavior or performance, seeming "oblivious" to howthey're doing.Organization--keeping track of multiple pieces of information and/or materialsMessy rooms, lost homework, difficulty organizing thoughts or tasks.Planning and Prioritization--make a plan and decide what should be the focusJumping between tasks without finishing any, indecisiveness, overwhelmed bysimple decisions.Time Management--understanding and using time wellUnderestimating how long a task will take, missing deadlines, struggles withpunctuality.Attention and Focus--able to concentrate on a taskEasily distracted, daydreaming, trouble completing tasks even if they wereinitiated.Task Initiation--ability to start a task and motivation to get movingImpulse Control--ability to think before actingExecutive Functionsthe executive functionsUNDERSTANDING AND APPRECIATINGUnderstanding executive functions can be a game-changer for decoding childbehavior. Figuring out if your child has struggles in these area can be useful in managing meltdowns and finding supports. Here's a simple list of executivefunctions that are managed by the frontal lobe and what you may notice whenthere are difficulties:11

ANXIETYMOODDISORDEREmotional tonevery hard on childand familyReduced interestin going places oractivitiesChronic irritability,lack of sleep, andeasy triggersValidate theiremotions; don’tminimize feelingsEncourage talking,but avoid pushingit too soonCreate safe,structured place toregulateAdjust demandsaccording to bodybudget and needsNeurochemicalconditions affectingthe brain's limbicsystem, the center foremotion and memory.Neuroimaging hasshown abnormalitiesin the size andactivation of certainneural structuresinvolved in moodregulation.Intense anger, appearto overreact to thingsthat seem minor,verbal/physicalaggression, stuck infight-flight, rejectionsensitive.DEPRESSIONDISORDER ORDIFFICULTYADHD/ADDWhat is thisdisorder ordifficulty?M A K I N G S E N S E O F W H A T Y O U S E EHow does thisimpact child’s life?What you mightsee, hear, ornotice...What do you need toknow interactingwith them?Struggles withcontrolling focusMay actimpulsively andchallengerelationshipsEnergy levels canbe difficult tomanageBe patient and giveclear, step-by stepdirectionPrepare fortransition,, useconsistent routineNotice positives toencourage on-taskbehaviorPay attention tobody budgetA neurodevelopmentalcondition that affectshow children processinformation andengage with the world.offers a uniqueconfiguration ofattention and impulsecontrol. This is not adeficit but a differentmode of neuralprocessing.Quick to anger,difficulty calming,impulsive reaction,outbursts duringtransition, easilyfrustrated whendisrupted, meltdownsmental health issuesEmotionalwithdrawal fromfamily or friendsLoss of interest inactivities orinterestsPersistent feelingsof emptiness orsadnessValidate feelingswithout offeringsimple solutionsEncourageactivities that bringjoy but don’t pushAssure them it’s okto ask for help; givesupportCheck in often andbe willing to asktough questions forsafetyNeurochemicalimbalance ofteninvolving serotonin,dopamine, and nor-epinephrine.Neuroimaging showskey brain regionsaffected includingareas like thehippocampus. Anger maskingsadness, aggressivewithdrawal fromfriends or activities,increased irritabilityand agitation, lowenergy, tiredIncreased stressresponse tosituationsAvoidance orreluctance forschool or activitiesFrequentstomachache orheadache, lowenergyOffer a safe placeto get space andcalmValidate fears andunderstand w/oshameGuide themthrough calmingactivitiesAdjust and makealternativesolutions whennecessaryMay be linked to theoveractivity of theamygdala andprefrontal cortex.Neurochemical factorsare often implicated,providing a biologicalbasis for feelings ofextreme. undesirable,and disproportionateanxiety.Emotional explosionswhen stressed, shorttemper whenuncomfortable orunfamiliar situation,anxiety expressed asanger or defiance

My child is giving me a hard time.My child is behavinghorribly, and I have no clue why.Challenging behavior isintentional,disrespectful, andmanipulative.My child is having a hardtime.All behavior iscommunication, and heneeds something.Challenging behaviormay communicate aneed or expectation thatcan't be met.My child is choosing toor wants to behave thisway.A child will do well if hecan.When a childmisbehaves, he is choosing to be defiantor disobedient.When a child showschallenging behavior, itcan be a top-down orbottom-up response.Misbehaving alwaysrequires aconsequence.Knowing what's behind abehavior helps me findeffective solutions.Manage Your MindsetShifting Your Perspectivemanage your mindsetT H E P O W E R O F 13

InsteadAvoid7calming an angry childDon't cry.Don't yell/scream.Get over here.Calm down.You shouldn’t getso angry!!Stop that beforeI ....You know better.AVOIDTouching, talking,getting in theirspace, makingundesired eyecontact, givingdiscipline in themomentTHINGS TO AVOID SAYING W H E N Y O U A R E You look upset.I can hear you.Do you need somespace?I'm here to help.I can keep you safe.It's ok...We can talk later.It's going to be ok.INSTEADBe quiet, givespace, offer to beclose or step away,ask if rubbing backwould help or not,wait to process, usevery few wordsCalming an Angry Childcalming an angry child14

investigateAdjustTransformEmpathizeRespondapproachHearWhat am I thinking?What am I feeling?Is there a chance I am being triggered?How can I feel anchored and calm?Listen to what is said and not saidObserve the tone and feelings associated Consider other circumstancesHear the environmentiHiI notice...I hear you saying...I can understand that...I wonder if...eIs it a skill they haven't mastered yet?Is this expectation reasonable?Is this something that has to happen?How could we adjust?aMake a new plan with childVerbally affirm a new approachFollow through with the changesConvey an attitude of acceptancerConnection is strengthenedTrust is built between child and parentRespect and responsibility growCommunication is improvedt

It only takes one second to break a heart, hurt a soul, ordamage a connection...and maybe just one word.parentingBY NUMBERREALIZE THE POWER OF JUST ONE SECOND1234675I'm sorry...two words every parent needs to bestrong enough to use freely and sincerely.SHOW STRENGTH WITH TWO SMALL WORDSKnow and understand three sensory responses thatoften indicate needs--seeking, avoiding, and varied.DECIPHER THREE SENSORY SIGNALSAnticipate child's strengths, struggles, and emotionalneeds when you understand core personality traits.RECOGNIZE THE FOUR PERSONALITY STYLESPractice investigating, hearing, empathizing, adjusting andresponding to transform the relationship with your childUSE FIVE STEP I-HEART APPROACH TO CONNECT Focus on six of the most important minutes to connectwith your child (first 3 waking and last 3 before bed).MAKE SIX KEY MINUTES MATTER Have a clear understanding of the eight sensorysystems (not just the original five) that impact children.UNDERSTAND THE EIGHT SENSORY SYSTEMS8 Practice making seven positive interactions for eachnegative or corrective action you take with your child.FOLLOW THE 7:1 POSTIVITE INTERACTION RATIOParenting by NumbersCreating connection is key! These numbers are quick reminders for you.16

Emotional Needs:Sensory Needs:Special Notes:Love Language:Issues to Explore: (Executive functioning skills, social skills, lagging skills, etc)Skills to Strengthen:(Specific systems, avoidant, seeking, varied, etc)(What works well, motivates, things to be aware of)My Child- Uniquely WiredName:Date:Personality:Strengths:Areas to Grow:Secondary:AgeDate

J O U R N E Y T O U N D E R S T A N D I N GWHAT DID I LEARN?WHAT DO I NEED TO EXPLORE?WHAT ARE MY NEXT STEPS?togetherputting it all 18

What is the issue? (problem, concern, observation, task, event, or situation) ChildWhat is important to you?Concerns? Thoughts? Ideas?Parent Here's how we plan to work this out:PlanWhat are we hoping to have in the end? How will we celebrate?CelebrateInclude all the sources of information in this section.REFERENCESParentingWithPersonality.comFamily HuddleFamily HuddleWhat is important to you?Concerns? Thoughts? Ideas?19

What do I need to feel prepared, calm or capable? (contact numbers, plan for self, plan for child/others, security items) Hear --> SafetyInvestigate/Prepare When calm or ready, how will you respond? RespondThings I can say to calm:Child:Others:Self:Empathize Things to do during the meltdown:Adjust How can you, child, and eventually family reconnect? TransformParentingWithPersonality.comCalm Care PlanCalm Care PlanChild Safe:Others Safe:Self Safe: 20

C O A C H I N G N E E D S P A R E N T I N G W I T H P E R S O N A L I T Y | C A L M C O N N E C T I O N P A R E N T C O A C H I N G P R O G R A MDATE:NAME:How would you rate each of the following as it relates to your home,family, or relationship with your child? The total of your scores canhelp determine the best or most effective resources for you whenconsidering parenting courses, group coaching, or 1:1 coaching.What is the current level of tension in yourfamily or home? 10 = High1How would you rate your current level ofoverall stress or anxiety in parenting yourhighly sensitive or intense child? 10 = High2What is the current level of your child'ssensitivity or emotional intensity? 10 = High 3How would you rate your doubt/stress inunderstanding your child/his needs? 10 = High4How high is your stress or pressure to stay calmwhen your child is angry/intense? 10 = High5How would you rate your stress/anxiety whilespending time with your child? 10 = High6How would you rate the level of hopelessnessor despair you feel currently? 10 = High7How would you rate the current level ofdistance/disruption you feel in your connectionwith your child? 10 = High8How would you rate your current need for help,support, or resources? 10= High9How motivated are you to work hard and makenecesssary changes? 10=High 10__ /10__ /10__ /10__ /10__ /10__ /10__ /10__ /10__ /10__ /10Q U E S T I O N S S C O R Eassessment21

Visit Parenting With Personality Facebook Group or message at m.me/jami.kirkbride to connect.I’m excited to help you find the support you need!recommendedresourcesBelow you will find some of the parenting resources available to you through ParentingWith Personality. Your score on the assessment will help give you direction in choosingthe resource or support that can be most effective for your current needs or issues. Not sure of your next step, that’s okay, we can schedule a call to figure it out.1-35--ENTRY LEVEL RESOURCESScoring in this range indicates that you do not have big disruptionsor difficult issues. At this level, you would probably benefit frompersonality courses/coaching that make you feel more effectivein learning about both you and your child's personality, as well asstrengths, struggles, and needs. You would enjoy our online or on-app personality courses, strategy sessions, and family resources.36-70--GROWING NEED RESOURCESScoring in this range indicates that you could utilize the help andresources of our parent coaching at a more involved level. You wouldbenefit from group or 1:1 coaching. You may like learning aboutpersonalities, sensory needs, and mental health issues with others insimilar situations or, you might prefer the focused help on issues specificto your child and family. Either way, coaching will be a great tool to help.71-99--HIGH NEED RESOURCESScoring in this range indicates that you are likely feeling a greatdeal of stress, anxiety, and disruption as you deal with your intenseand highly sensitive child. You, your child, and your family wouldbenefit greatly from having someone who could walk with you as a1:1 coach, as you figure out specific strategies for your family thatcan calm the chaos and bring some calm, confident connection.Helping You Do the Hard Work and Heart Work of Parenting

SENSORY PROCESSINGDIFFICULTYMOOD DISORDEREXECUTIVEFUNCTIONINGDIFFICULTYPARENTING ANDMENTAL HEALTHADHD/ADD--ATTENTION-DEFICIT/HYPERACTIVITYBrain-BodyParenting--MonaDelahookeThe Whole BrainChild--Daniel J.Siegel M.D.Discipline WithoutDamage-- VanessaLapointeADDitudemag.comUnderstood.orgA Day in Our Shoes-- Don’t IEP AloneADDitudemag.comWhat Your ADHDChild Wish YouKnew--SharonSalineThriving WithADHD Workbookfor Kids--KelliMillerADDitudemag.comSmart ButScattered--PegDawsonEverydayExecutiveFunctioningStrategies--ValerieSaxton SharpeExecutiveFunctioningWorkbook for KidsTEFOS-ExecutiveFunction OnlineSummit--SethPerlerSensory Processing101--DaynaAbrahamUnderstanding YourChild’s SensorySignals--Angie VossThe Out-of-SyncChild-- Carol StockKranowitzThe OT Toolbox--Virtual SensoryRoomRISE with Sensory--Alisha GroganMy Mundane andMiraculous Life-Julie NixonThe ExplosiveChild--RossGreene M.D.Poppy and theOveractiveAmygdala--Holly ProvanThe Whole BrainChild-- Daniel JSiegel M.D.RDMDD.orgUnderstood.orgThinkingDifferently--David FlinkAnxiety Relief forKids--BridgetFlynn WalkerPhDConquer ChildAnxiety-- J. JeffriesHow to Help YourChild Clean UpTheir Mental Mess--Dr. Caroline LeafADDitudemag.comRaising YourSpirited Child--Mary SheedyKurcinkaThe HighlySensitive Child--Elaine N. Aron Ph.D AutismBreakthrough--Raun KaufmanNourishingHope--JulieMatthewsDisconnectedKids--Dr. RobertMelillo AutisticLogistics--KateWilde HIGHLY SENSITIVE AUTISMDEPRESSIONLEARNING DISABILITY ANXIETYF U R T H E R L E A R N I N Gunderstandingresources for

testimonialsHelping You Do the Hard Work and Heart Work of Parenting"Absolute answer to prayer, as well as my favoriteinvestment of all time...we should have hired Jami first,a long, long time ago...""Gained an incredible amount of hope,encouragement, and practical tools..."ChariseKristin and MattSarah"Empowered me to be a better advocate for himwith family members, professionals, and his school."Visit Parenting With Personality Facebook Group to connect with other parentswalking similar journeys. I’m excited to help you find the support you need!

connectl e t ’ sYou love and understand yourchild and their unique needs.. You know your child has a goodheart, despite the dysregulatedemotion and difficult issues.You don’t want your child’schallenging behaviors ormeltdowns to keep others from seeing it. You want your child to beunderstood...without the actions or intense emotionsgetting in the way.You want others to look behindthe behaviors and emotions tosee your child as God createdthem and take time tounderstand them. I totally get it.. You’re not alone.Feeling stuck on your next move? Need guidance to find calm amidst emotional chaos in your home?I get it, and I’m here to help. Why not schedule a free call? Let's work through it together. Book your discovery call now!