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Feral Feline Literary Magazine Issue 1 Selfish Summer August 2022
The Feral Feline Team Letter from the Editors Dear Readers Co Editors in Chief Mary Binninger Sydney Shaffer Izzy Murphy Managing Editor Rissa Medlenka Poetry Editors Abby Collins Britt Trachtenberg Savannah Meyer Fiction Editors Ariel Moscat Sabrina Martinez Non Fiction Editors Visual Arts Editors Layout Design Sydney Shaffer Savannah Meyer Willow Kang Liew Bei Sam Roppola Chiara Bagatta Vic Bongiovanni Mary Binninger Welcome to the very first issue of Feral Feline I am so excited to share this issue with you all our whole team has worked very hard on it Creating a magazine is something I never thought I would do despite my passion for writing but after having previous experience during college of working on a literary magazine I definitely knew I wanted to create my own after I graduated I really didn t know what I was getting myself into but I am so glad that I took the leap of faith and began Feral Feline Creating our first issue wasn t easy but it is so beautiful and I hope you all love it Though it has been challenging it has seriously been so much fun too From going through all of your wonderful work to doing the layout it is so exciting and heartwarming to see how everything all comes together Mary Binninger Feral Feline s first issue is so special to us editor in chief s We had an idea to make a literary magazine that would amplify the voices of truly amazing emerging artists from all around the world With all of the beautiful and mystical submissions we received that is exactly what we were able to do Our contributors took the theme Selfish Summer and made it something of their own which is what all good art does From the writing to the visual art pieces everything so perfectly fits at home with us at Feral Feline We all thank you so much for allowing us to showcase your work It has been a wonderful time looking through all of the submissions and putting together our first issue We hope Feral Feline inspires you to embrace the feral feminine and create work that comes from the depth of your heart Sydney Shaffer An online lit mag that strives to highlight emerging established writers artists while embracing the feral feminine That is our mission We were able to fulfill our dreams and goals to make an issue that does exactly that All thanks to our lovely and talented contributors Every piece of art deserves a home and we are so thankful they have chosen our magazine to be that home All us editor in chiefs are so proud of this first issue and we hope you love it just as much as we do Izzy Murphy
Table of Contents 10 Roma Enamorada 27 Makeup is fun 11 august afternoons Caiti McGowan 28 Apology to the Moon Goddess Jimena Yengle 12 The Binding Sara Wiser Mystical Moonlight Bree Roughsedge Erica Dionora Watercolor Crystals Bree Roughsedge 30 Summer Disappearances 13 Prague at 2 11 Chiara Bagatta Jordan Nishkian Contributors Adriana LaRocca 14 Sporing Wallflower Fern Spotlight Fog Sylvan Ly 15 Because of the rain Larissa Bernardes 16 Dress Up Adriana LaRocca 17 Sunkissed and Scuffed Willow Kang Liew Bei 31 Tartaruga 32 Feathers and Dimes Sydney Shaffer Isis Goddess Camille Luttrell 33 Diamond Spring Olive VanBuskirk 34 Elements of Existence Erica Dionora 35 Cherry s Forest Ingrid Kildiss Hall Olivia Ray 40 Inversion 22 Decomposing Democracy 42 Submerge Olive VanBuskirk Shannon West Erica Dionora 23 Dance with the Devil 43 Lily 24 I LOVE THIS LIFE SO 44 For Two Larissa Borror Tanvi Jeph Youbin Park MUCH THAT IT HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO LOVE ME 45 eyes are the window to the soul BACK Adriana LaRocca Valerie Slaughter
46 summer stunner Mari Pizzini 47 Spunky Rae Tedeton 48 We Are Trash Shannon West 49 The Hanging Crows Sarah Hall Murphy 53 Polaroid Art Mary Binninger 54 Hanes Rae Tedeton 55 Summer Boulevard Willow Kang Liew Bei 56 This looks like a murder Adriana LaRocca 57 june 1st Aj Stanton 58 Bright Myriam Havel 60 Planted Tears Maddy Svercel Cover Exit on the Right Shannon West SELFISH SUMMER
august afternoons Caiti McGowan the sweet juice of a peach drips down the lips and onto the chin the growing sun above begins to tint smiling and sticky cheeks pink hair is undone and moods are unbothered late summer days breathe in the thick air and exhale a cool evening breeze our eyes closed to better soak in the warmth internally storing for the days that will soon become short later a longing look at the orange and pink hues of the evening sky a token in exchange for the chilling months ahead 11
The Binding Prague at 2 11 The Palo Santo bleeds all over coating her face staining her hair sweetening the breath of her words as she whispers into a wild steady flame surrounded by an array of stones black tourmaline bloodstone citrine garnet rose quartz and a fading image of a love long lost She gave up on Thursday two more days till departing the V clav Havel Airport two more nights festering in the same bed with him trying to hoard her in skeins of dense limbs Erica Dionora Jordan Nishkian She prays and the fire listens wild as ever restless hungry for life Untangling offered temporary relief until his sleeping summer sweat spread through the sheet clinging to her a wet bandage suffocating a scab Untangling offered the chance to congeal to reshape after years of being water filling incomplete spaces he left She ll leave by arrival ready to devour 12 13
Aenean euismod iaculis dui Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes nascetur ridiculus mus Nulla quam Aenean fermentum turpis sed volutpat dignissim diam risus facilisis nibh sit amet iaculis est turpis non tellus Nunc a mauris Proin eget ligula Nam cursus libero Vestibulum velit orci bibendum enim Duis lorem Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetuer of theacrain Sporing Wallflower Fern eget molestie eu sagittis non leo Nullam sedBecause adipiscing elit Suspendisse potenti Sed tincidunt varius arcu Mauris vitae arcu sit amet quam condimentum pulvinar Aenean arcu elit Larissa Bernardes Sylvan accumsan id Ly consequat ornare lobortis vitae ligula Quisque vitae velit ac sapien placerat suscipit Donec mollis justo sed justo pellentesque sollicitudin Duis bibendum adipiscing nibh Maecenas diam risus molestie ut Everything porta et ismalesuada so green eget nisi In fermentum leo sed turpis Sed Bleeding bright she whispers to the wind lacus velit consequat in ultricies sit amet malesuada et diam Integer mauris sem convallis ut consequat in sollicitudin sed leo Cras purus A shocking green Silently like the fernseget of summer sporing elit hendrerit ut egestas sagittis at nulla Integer justo dui faucibus dictum convallis sodales accumsan id risus Aenean risus A hypnotic green of drowned ships Invisibly light and simmering Vestibulum scelerisque placerat sem And milky mermaid hips the drummers adoringlacinia Nullam at leo nec metus aliquam semper In egetMarvel sapienfor vitae massa rhoncus tincidunt ante nec lacinia ultrices quam mi A FloridaPhasellus kind of green dictumWallflower libero vitae bibendum turpis elit ut lectus Sed diam ante lobortis sed dignissim sit amet condimentum A green that s the Florida of my dreams in sapien Pellentesque nec wallinglobortis up no more lectus non risus auctor Vestibulum sit amet dolor a ante suscipit pulvinar Sed lacinia Aliquam A Florida that solely belongs toerat me volutpat In hac habitasse platea Dance up to the stage dictumst Vivamus sit amet sem vitae tellus ultricies consequat Integer tincidunt tellus eget justo Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora A landscape where dead flowers Spotlighting smilenostra for all those scorned hymenaeos torquent per conubia per inceptos Become wild birds you are not mauris insane interdum porta tincidunt neque orci molestie mauris vitae iaculis dolor felis at nunc Maecenas eu diam a leo Morbi No pellentesque Where green becomes red porta interdum In non massa quislead odio feugiat sagittis Quisque ac lorem Maecenas ut begets sem sed ipsum suscipit malesuada Nulla quis dui quis Where red yellow Girl today you take the starring ante fermentum interdum Proin eget est a augue vehicula mattis Pellentesque sed nisi at nisi scelerisque iaculis Phasellus orci Nulla Where rain TodaySuspendisse you rise fromet soils deep beneath adipiscing leo vel elit ullamcorper gravida Proin tempor ligula ut tincidunt tempor mauris nibh feugiat odio nec tincidunt Teases the breeze Flydictum light into the clouds and luctus breathe odio Aliquam adipiscing urna a felis Quisque sed elit in eros aliquet ultrices erat orci purus Etiam Donec at sem Vestibulum With baptism dear fern youVestibulum inspire me sit amet sem nec augue fermentum consectetuer Integer justo cursus My Integer dolor Vivamus vel sapien Praesent nisl tortor laoreet eu dapibus quis egestas non Because mauris ofCum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient the rain montes nascetur ridiculus mus Nullam eleifend pharetra felis Mauris nibh velit tristique lacinia in scelerisque et ante Donec viverra Everything is so ac green tortor sed nulla Phasellus nec magna Aenean vehicula turpis in congue eleifend mauris lorem aliquam sem eu eleifend est odio et pede A shocking green Mauris vitae mauris sit amet est rhoncus laoreet Curabitur facilisis urna vel Aegestas vulputate purus ante quis facilisis dui hypnotic green thattellus turns land intoaccumsan sea nisl a nunc Sea into air Nulla vestibulum eleifend nulla Suspendisse potenti Aliquam turpis nisi venenatis non accumsan nec imperdiet laoreet lacus In purus est I am there mattis eget imperdiet nec fermentum congue tortor Aenean ut nibh NullamAmong hendrerit viverra drowned trees dolor Vestibulum fringilla lectus id viverra malesuada enim mi adipiscing ligula et bibendum lacus lectus id sem Cras risus turpis varius ac feugiat id faucibus vitae massa Nunc sunken ships gravida nonummy felis Etiam suscipit est sit amet suscipit sodales est neque In suscipit erat nec suscipit enim eget leo In porttitor rutrum a watercolor of red yellow sem green leo Ut eget leo I stretch my arms Nulla quis nibh Proin ac pede vel ligula facilisis gravida Phasellus purus Etiam sapien diam urna iaculis ut vehicula ac varius sit Welcoming the Duis laughing breeze amet mi Donec id nisl Aliquam erat volutpat Integer fringilla Duis lobortis quam non volutpat suscipit magna sem consequat libero ac And because hendrerit urna ante id mi Quisque commodo facilisis tellus Integer sodales lorem sed nisl Morbi consectetuer mauris quis odio Ut dolor Not all drownings equal death lorem viverra vitae viverra eu euismod nec enim Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetuer adipiscing And not all births beget rebirth elit Morbi nisl eros dignissim nec malesuada et convallis quis augue VestibulumI welcome ante ipsum greenprimis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae Proin aliquam leo at luctus tempus eros lectus eleifend massa Mosquito quis sollicitudin erat magna non leo Vestibulum vel metus green Donec sagittis velit vel augue Fusce in nisl vitae massa venenatis rhoncus Praesent orci velit Mangrove green lobortis eget suscipit semper congue eu est Quisque malesuada volutpat enim Vestibulum leo sem molestie a mattis bibendum feugiat facilisis nisl Nam scelerisque odio Suspendisse Hibiscus green fermentum faucibus felis Praesent pharetra In consequat felis in tellus In miDragonfly enim rhoncus green ullamcorper sagittis at placerat eget mauris Suspendisse auctor erat at ipsum Aliquam vitae tortor id massa tincidunt eleifend I am there In hac habitasse platea dictumst Mauris rutrum enim vitae mauris Proin mattis eleifend in center of it allpede Sed pretium ante sit amet elit Quisque pede tellus dictum eget dapibus ac sodales dictum lectus Pellentesque mi dui molestie sit amet adipiscing id iaculis quis arcu Nulla tellus sem Welcoming the green fire viverra eu ultricies ac mattis et velit Maecenas quis magna Ut viverra nislofeuawakened ipsum desire Maecenas rhoncus Duis mattis nisi nec sapien Nullam eu ante non enim tincidunt fringilla Integer leo Duis eget enim Curabitur felis erat tempus eu placerat et pellentesque sed purus Sed sed diam Nam nunc Class aptent taciti sociosqu ad litora torquent per conubia nostra per inceptos hymenaeos Aenean risus est porttitor vel placerat sit amet vestibulum sit amet nibh Ut faucibus justo quis nisl Etiam vulputate sapien eu egestas rutrum leo neque luctus dolor sed hendrerit tortor metus ut dui Etiam id pede porttitor turpis tristique lacinia Suspendisse potenti Etiam feugiat Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetuer adipiscing elit Cras gravida sem ut massa Quisque accumsan porttitor dui Sed interdum nisl ut consequat tristique lacus nulla porta massa sed imperdiet sem nunc vitae eros Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere Curae Pellentesque sit amet metus Nullam tincidunt posuere ligula Aenean volutpat ultrices ligula In tincidunt Aenean 14 cubilia 15 viverra suscipit tellus Suspendisse sem lorem ornare non vestibulum ut tempor porttitor est Quisque convallis aliquet eros Nunc nec nulla eget urna convallis eleifend Nulla feugiat eros at augue Integer feugiat nisi vitae velit Cras cursus ipsum vel dolor Sed pulvinar Etiam velit orci pellentesque
Sunkissed and Scuffed Olivia Ray I take my lattes with too much sugar hot on my tongue because cold coffee makes me jitter If I m feeling really extra and don t want my tummy to break down I ask for oatmilk Although I know the barista will ask my preference I forget to prepare an answer and whole milk is the easiest option If I drink too much milk I am trapped in the aches and pains of the stomach Well I m in pain not because of milk turned sour in my stomach but because some omnipotent being called God has given me a vagina And my moon cycles have begun to shed my skin into some angry beast My mom told me when I was a kid that if I took too much Aleve that I would grow a tolerance and need to take more and more to settle my pains I tempted fate and swallowed a handful of Aleve one day Afterwards I felt dramatic and ridiculous thinking that you can t overdose on Aleve I learned years later that it can erode your liver and kill you from inside More than the 6 I took could ve left me on the floor and no one would know for hours I am the child of a southern catholic mother meaning I am polite and must only speak when spoken to My mom put the fear of the devil in me So I suffered through star pinpricks and nausea while trying to pay attention in Advanced Algebra The pain was insufferable and checking into the hospital was the only thing that would help I once had a migraine so bad I began to slur my words together until all I could do was to plead to stop a needle from stabbing into my veins Everyone thought it was a stroke It wasn t All it was was a stroke of bad luck and money down the drain But still I lived to suffer through blood every month I was an angsty teenager with a sharp tongue that moved faster than my thoughts The battleground was a cramped house haunted by mold climbing up the blinds and dirt laced carpets On my way to the bathroom my dad sat on our leather couch This was an uncomfortable couch but a sign of the wealth that my dad wished to hold onto He d lay on the couch with golf blasting on the tv late into the night I couldn t sleep on the indoor porch that served as my room because light kept me up at night I often thought that if our sleepy suburbia inspired some serial killer to knock down people s doors with a battering ram and gun in 16 17
hand I d be the first bloody victim in our house There was only a curtain separating me from the glass paneled front door The curtain fell down a lot in the middle of the night revealing my sleeping form to the outside As a light sleeper I would watch in horror as the killer would emerge from the broken glass and raise their gun to my face And blood would spread across the daybed I dreamed of blood most nights I inherited a fear of blood spilling on the ground from my dad When I was born he collapsed onto the ground at the sight of blood and pulled the nurses from my mom s side This isn t the reason for their divorce but my mom is still irritated about it I would turn the white carpet red and my scream would raise my family of deep sleepers maybe giving them enough time to escape through the backdoor or hide in the bathroom for a moment I had to change in the bathroom for fear of peeping toms outside the window It was the only room where I was truly alone and no one could peek through at me Eighth grade marked the one year anniversary of my blooming into a woman and we kept super tampons and diaper like maxi pads to catch my shedding flesh Lizard people exist because a heating pad was the only non medication solution to the cramps I d bleed through a super tampon in six hours and I d change it in four because I had heard that a girl lost a leg from toxic shock I once woke up with a tampon still crammed in my vagina and felt the blood drain from my face Here was how I died And if I were to survive a serial killer s bullets while on my period would I lose a limb from a tampon still stuck inside I didn t like my dad s house A divorced dad s house has an empty moldy fridge A divorced dad s house is filled with cobwebs and hungry spiders A divorced dad s house has enough alcohol for an army crammed into his closet The house is full of drunk laughter and tv buzz until 2am on a school night I didn t eat I didn t sleep I don t remember why we were arguing on my way to the bathroom but I imagine it was about refusing my dad s company My dad s face and mine were flushed with rage He was beginning to sit back down on the couch as I stormed to the bathroom You re only angry because you re on your period my dad said offhandedly as he switched on the tv I stopped opening the door and turned around 18 That s sexist I shouted I was in a predicament if I argued with my dad then he was right because I was bleeding but if I didn t then I was compliant with my silence Quick to anger and full of angst I placed my hands on my hips and stood there Even if I was on my period I said Period s don t make me angry I m angry because you are being a dick I am your father and I will not be disrespected he snapped back without turning to face me You re a selfish brat staying in your room by yourself all day It s not a room I said I sleep on a porch You re so ungrateful You have a roof over your head and I pay for everything You re an adult and you need to start behaving like it Stop being so angry and be a part of this family Without another word I stomped into the bathroom and ripped the pad from my underwear I changed into crumpled clothes and shoved a tampon in Olivia s boobs are getting big my dad said to my youngest sister She still has a lot of baby fat I don t remember it buried under other fragments of teenage arguments and insults There wasn t any food in the fridge to comfort the pain in my stomach Ask anyone with a period the number one thing we reach for is chocolate to make the cramps more bearable I am no different But the thought of a growing stomach already bloated during my period dissuaded me from buying candy from the store I would never become a fat ugly thing and I wished to cover the bumps on my chest with anything Yesterday morning I popped some ibuprofen in my mouth and swallowed it with a latte though the cramp wasn t as bad as it was in the past It s a wonder what birth control can help with I only inserted an IUD to prevent pregnancy because I was not told that the pill and more can be used to soothe the side effects of a period Even if I build up a tolerance I want to take ibuprofen and more I m not really angry and I m out of the house wandering the streets of New York in a baseball cap I want to climb a tree I want to drink til my cheeks are pink I want to sit on a playground late at night climbing a rope spider web I want to hold onto the youth that I lost when I was young I will scrape my knees and cover myself in bandaids I will bruise 19
myself like a banana but laugh it off because they are reminders of the time I almost won a sprint but crashed into an unseen fence I want to splash in the ocean When I lived in Boston as a kid I remember going to the beach when I was four There were no clouds in the sky and my loved ones sat underneath a large umbrella eating homemade m m cookies We little kids were marking our spot with the crumbs mixing with the sand pebbles Our territory I giggled and looked away for a moment with my cookie raised to the sky The m ms were beginning to melt so the cookie was growing gooey and delicious Until it wasn t anymore and I felt my fingers lose their grip I looked up A hungry seagull flew away with my cookie in its beak It was the last one we had in our ziplock and I had only taken a few bites Well I hope that seagull ate every last crumb My roommate brought homemade cookies to our dorm when she returned from home We nibbled away at them for a little while being too nervous to eat the last one I snatched the cookie like a hungry seagull The microwave beeped signaling my gooey cookie was ready and it burned my fingers and tongue when I took it out I scarfed it down as if I hadn t eaten all day and I licked the chocolate coating my fingers with a smile on my face and crumbs on the floor I mean no one had claimed the cookie that had been sitting there for days and it would ve gone stale so it was perfectly okay to eat it A few moments later my eyes went to my stomach and my father s words crept from the back of my mind If I continued to eat like this then I would grow larger and larger which I took to be unattractive Standing in the floor length mirror before taking a shower I held my stomach fat and chewed my lip I m no longer fatphobic after all women with more of a stomach make me blush In the summer they wear crop tops and bathing suits displaying their stomachs and boobs that hug their curves in the most beautiful way To be like one of them would be a dream But I m not So my stomach jiggles a little bit when I bounce and my love handles don t match with my hips I put on a banana skirt that I ve had since 8th grade My stomach was not flat like my younger sister s and I usually kept the skirt at the back of my closet I could throw it out but it s cute and I can t let go I buttoned it up the middle and placed my hands on my hips I winked at myself in the mirror in my fruit salad getup and giggled With golden eyeshadow and crooked front teeth I think I looked perfect for a summer just beginning to 20 bloom Today I walked through the city with a coconut matcha latte perfectly sweet and easy on the stomach with a yellow cap and blue shorts that end just above the knees I told the barista when getting my drink I looked like a pok mon trainer and they laughed and agreed And I mean that in the best way possible they said They had hair split into brown and a soft lime green with a lip piercing and a black shirt We laughed and I said thank you I took an ibuprofen with the matcha and walked home with lighter pockets Later that day My dad and I got drinks and talked about life at a bar in the meatpacking district Anxiety buzzed in my chest when he walked over with suitcase in hand We walked to a bar on the cobblestone streets My cocktail was refreshing with a curled orange peel and he drank a glass of red wine with a smile on his face You re really managing despite everything he said I m so proud of you I walked home with watery eyes and a grin through the humid air still in my banana skirt Sometimes something a little sweet settles the stomach and tension in the chest Little treats to get through the days that grow hotter while my face grows stickier with sweat Give me a melting chocolate bar on the beach in my bikini smelling like sunscreen May the sun kiss my imperfect skin and full stomach away from the judgment of California Let a seagull try to take my sweets I ll fight to the very last breath 21
I LOVE THIS LIFE SO MUCH THAT IT HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO LOVE ME BACK Valerie Slaughter It was a morning like any other morning but my first without you then it was the love of life like an appetite and when I found mine I was insatiable I was angrier yelling at the sun asking him to take it all back before I start wanting to live again Apollo how could you do this to me The beast of love is now seething inside my chest It wants me to bite hard on all my friends shoulders It wants my lover s your lover s any lover s lips on my thighs It wants the soft ground it wants nails on backs it wants american honey and it ll take no less Two things I ve learned since possession a true beast is never full and a narcissist will never kill themselves I don t know yet if I am better for knowing these things It s just that I didn t know love could feel like this this sweetness this tanginess that makes you want more and more and more like biting into a peach on the first official day of summer I didn t know that love could feel like anything other than sacrificing yourself to an angry god over and over and over again This life can be bright my life can be bright Call it hunger call it healing just never call me again please I live the romance that is my life alone I walk to the park and read to the trees between sips of syrupy coffee I think of my family and sometimes I even wish them the best I look at the sunrise and hope tomorrow will be beautiful too even though I know it will be of course it will be I do all these things without you and call it love 24 25
Living on this earth is love enough I m ashamed it took me this long to realize that I never needed you I just needed time I needed myself back from myself I had to find her and take her out of her river of sadness I had to nurse her back to health nurse her back to love nurse her back to life give her all the tenderness and joy and warmth she s always had and yet still always needed The screaming of cicadas before a summer storm only they can truly understand Venusian beings hurt we hurt all the time but the only thing that could ever rival how much we love is how much we can hate and that s why we hurt so much When I look up at her I know she sees me too Venus planet of love she grieves with me she laughs with me she loves with me she hates with me but most importantly she tilts my head up at the night sky and feeds me gently pours the warmed wine I brought her into my mouth cleaning up the excess on my chin with her cold soft hand Nothing s ever been so kind and now I understand I can now love everyone because I now love this world And in the morning the sun will shine on me in all his glory like the glow of a new love and he ll ask Well do you want me to take it back now and when I look up at him eyes burning and tearful I ll say No please no 26 27
Apology to the Moon Goddess Sara Wiser Diana I hate that name I know who you really are Artemis My goddess My huntress My moon mother I promised you when I was a child to always look up at the stars I promised you that I would remain forever wild Unable to be tamed Chaste Pure Untouched But I love love I love to be loved I love to feel the joys of skin on mine Can we come to an agreement That loving is holy That loving is worship To you To the moon My Selene Is he not Endymion The reincarnation of your half love Orion guards the skies The other half lover I am aching to have let you down Maybe I m just weak Maybe I m just a hopeless romantic Maybe I m just a girl Who has been raised like they told her to be Or maybe just maybe I can carry it all within me And maybe I can contain these infinities
Summer Disappearances Willow Kang Liew Bei The hibiscus petal is a ferryman s carpet the coconuts nebulae in a doozy night your golden planes were swept away on the last day of Spring in a careless tornado I tore away from your hushed mailbox from the blotches that hid in the dowry you bestowed waded through waves till I learnt to heedlessly hunt pastel dolphins riding on opioid seas when I washed ashore I saw the unbidden treasures of the city that steered my sails had gladly drownedI spread oversized umbrellas over the beaches exiling the blinding blazes of your wrath 30
Feathers and Dimes Diamond Spring Grief It comes in waves On the bad days it hits you like a riptide on a hot July day Some days you feel light you go out and hug a tree Pretending a piece of the person you ve lost is somehow embedded in the nature that surrounds the world A backyard the size of a football field can feel so empty even when it is crowded with people drinking their sorrows away No one can blame them the liquid sloshes around the empty parts of the their hearts that were once covered in string lights of love The dune below stretched a blue rose pink The sand was ocean bluest The surf broke into sweet champagne The sky s delicate poem soon sunk in half retirement A poem Still it rose from out of the ocean and disappeared into the depths It was fun occasionally being up so early at this quiet hour Plums seemed most its sweet high peaked self The dunes had been going to a pink blue gold A beach rose and beach plum Sydney Shaffer Olive VanBuskirk Plum grass held hurricanes and spoiled her beach The young summer sand made broken skewed thoughts 32 33
Cherry s Forest Ingrid Kildiss Hall Cherry sat in the middle of six rows of chairs that the funeral home had set up for her father s wake Her relatives buzzed around her like a hive of carpenter bees attempting to fix their hive Cherry found herself unable to leave her chair even to peek at the man she once lived with She had done a good job so far of avoiding unwanted condolences from family members she couldn t quite remember the names of She had hazy memories of a few of them but most of them were complete strangers to her She felt like the biggest stranger in the room She wished everyone would leave so she could sit in front of her father s casket and weep freely Honey you look pale said a deep but feminine voice Can I get you some water or juice Are you old enough to drink That always helps me process these kinds of emotions Cherry looked up to confirm her suspicion It was her second aunt Susanne who she had only met once before just after her mother s death The memory was too blurry in her mind to recall fully Cherry shook her head silently and went back to peering down at her hands Ah the woman shook her head if you re sure How old are you now anyways 18 Cherry answered quietly sending the conversation into a ditch There was a long silence plump with awkwardness Susanne refused to get up although Cherry just stared into her hands wishing she would She smelled strongly like fake flowers and chemicals Some of us are worried Susanne broke the silence nervously that maybe you shouldn t be living in that house alone Cherry s head turned viciously in Susanne s direction but she said nothing If you can t pay the mortgage they re going to foreclose the house Me and your Uncle Herman want you to come live with us for a little while That way you can live like a normal young adult Susanne s idea made Cherry feel sick in her stomach Cherry didn t want to leave her house or her garden behind She didn t want to lose the acres of woodland property they owned around their house In fact the thought frightened her It was all she had left of 35
her father and the last thing she wanted was to live with her gaudy aunt in her gaudy house in her gaudy suburbs Thank you Aunt Susanne Cherry said slowly but calmly as she collected herself but I m okay on my own I have some money saved and a good paying job she lied An extreme sadness welled in her chest that Cherry felt she could not beat down anymore The large woman stared at Cherry as if she couldn t believe what the girl had just said to her She sighed and waited for Cherry to explain herself further but when there was no further explanation she pushed herself up off the seat The offer always stands she assured Cherry Cherry watched her walk away and disappear down a hallway Tears burned Cherry s eyes She stood up as calmly as she could with her shaking limbs and walked slowly to the exit She did not turn back to peek at her fathers casket before she pushed the back door open and left his wake The night had begun to set in Tears poured down Cherry s cheeks and when she looked up she couldn t help but feel like the trees at the edge of the forest where the funeral home resided had begun to lean over in her direction Cherry s peas were at the critical stage where if she offered them extra water they would grow much bigger than the expected crop It had become her routine that she would walk out into the garden first thing after waking in the morning to give them water before the sun got too hot and again in the evening just as the sun was setting Cherry pushed past her garden gates just as the sun was coming over the horizon This particular morning she felt less than in tune with her plants Sloppily she waved the hose back and forth through the rows of peas trying to dodge any droplets that came over her way The plants seemed to wilt at her apathy which only made Cherry more frustrated with her situation The letter had shown up three days ago in her mailbox The house was being foreclosed on She had spent the last few months cocooned in sorrow trying to recover from her fathers death and too weak to do anything but take care of her garden make herself food and spend time in the forest Her peas were no longer precious as she snapped ripe ones off their vine with haste A smile didn t cross her face when she saw the healthy green yield A patch of weeds had come up in between her wildflowers and she begrudgingly put her knees into the dirt so she 36 could pull them up What was the point She jerked her hands out of the dirt and held them to her chest as if she had burned them on a stove Tears began to fall down her face softly Cherry s tears watered the ground and in return the flowers and plants bent in as if to hold her Cherry gave in to the sensation and let her feelings overwhelm her She cuddled up to the dirt and felt its warmth radiate off She didn t remember falling asleep In her dreams she was falling down a dark chasm with no end in sight She watched the light at the top of the chasm turn into a tiny dot and then disappear so she was in complete silence She hit the ground like the earth was enveloping her and rebirthing her She opened her eyes and suddenly felt unsure about whether she had been falling for one minute or one day Darkness wrapped her up like a child swaddled in a blanket Hello She asked frantically The silence permeated her ear drums Do not be scared small one a deep voice echoed through the darkness on its way to her It was so deep and thick it almost drew her towards it Who are you Cherry asked looking around but only finding darkness The voice came from all directions I am many things but right now I am the forest Am I dead Cherry asked No dear You are more alive than ever A turtle twice the size of Cherry appeared slowly from the darkness with glowing yellow eyes The chasm took on a warm sensation as the turtle approached What am I doing here Cherry asked You cannot leave the forest the turtle said or there will be consequences I don t want to leave Cherry said suddenly feeling a bust of emotion But if they take the house I am going to have to The turtle s eyes glowed brighter Do you remember the day you fell into the stream at the heart of the forest and woke up on the shore the turtle asked his voice so deep that its vibrations rattled her skull Cherry did remember that day She remembered falling in the swift stream in the woods behind her house and getting dragged 37
downstream when she was 8 or so After a heavy rain its currents were able to spin her over and over until she was like a leaf in the water She had seen the world go dark and felt it get cold as she disappeared She felt a hint of warmth erupt from her forehead but by the time she realized she had hit her head on a rock her consciousness slipped away The turtle took advantage of Cherry s silence You drowned and to save you the forest used its magic All its magic Without you here the forest will have none Cherry stammered Why would a forest need magic Everything needs magic to survive the turtle said Everything but humans Why save me if the forest lost all that Why let something die when you can save it The turtle said Why let something die when you can save it The turtle repeated Cherry woke up in her garden The hot sun had baked her skin but her Proteas shaded her eyes She rubbed her head and looked around for the giant turtle The warm summer began to transition into a more vicious version of itself as time slipped away from Cherry Increasingly she began to live like a wild animal Her hair grew long and matted into her skull and her nails grew out like dirty claws while her eyes acquired a feral yellow glint to them At night she would go to bed in the house and in the morning she would wake up on the ground in the forest One morning Cherry woke up with a bad feeling in her stomach As quickly as she could wake herself and get up off the forest floor she rushed out of the forest Her bare feet had thick calluses that protected them from the rigid ground beneath A tall man circled around the house with a clipboard in hand looking into windows with hands cupped around his eyes Cherry stood at the clearing and panicked She knew she could not ignore this man like she had the eviction notices Cherry could not help but to hyperventilate The world grew loud and her eyes locked onto the man and would not move at all The trees around her began to swing back and forth as if she was breathing for the forest Branches creaked out of place in 38 movements that seemed like they would snap the trees to pieces but they didn t The trees moved fluidly as if they were made of rubber or human muscle bones and skin The man hadn t even noticed Cherry standing at the clearing A branch shot out from the forest and grabbed him by the neck before he could even flinch Cherry watched it slowly squeeze the life out of him Slowly his body stopped convulsing Cherry watched like a scientist doing an experiment She couldn t bring herself to look away until she was sure the man was dead He lay lifeless on the path by the house while the branches receded back into the ground Finally she turned and ran back into the forest She felt the trees closing in around her as if to protect her Cherry ran until she couldn t breathe anymore then she caught her breath and kept walking deeper into the forest She didn t stop moving until her feet ached and bled and even then she wanted to walk further When she came across a bush full of plump elderberries she couldn t help but stop and filled her hands with them Cherry began to build herself a hut around a mossy patch she found nearby When darkness finally came she lay on the ground feeling at peace A police search group weaved through the forest looking for the footprints of a killer The number of bodies found in the forest had grown to an alarming number in the previous days as if the trees had developed a taste for blood since their first bites A tall man with a badge that read chief lead the group of policemen forward The sun was beginning to set and they were yet to find anything despite wandering farther and farther into the forest There was silence except for the wind through the trees for long stretches of time The crackling sound of feet crunching leaves into the ground made the task almost hypnotizing Their eyes traced the ground until finally someone one of them spoke up There are tracks over here boss said one of the policemen Not very big though Suddenly every flashlight was aimed at the small footprints on the ground The policemen followed the path for about a mile and a half before they spotted Cherry She smiled at them despite being covered in mud and filth One of their flashlights caught her as it went back and forth and then suddenly she was bathed in light Her eyes widened and glowed as the police officers flashlights reflected off them 39
Hello yelled the chief Don t come any closer Cherry answered Put your hands in the air and walk out of there for me alright honey Each of the officers raised their guns in her direction It s not safe to be out here all alone Why don t you come with us I m safest here said Cherry in a low growl The men slowly advanced with their guns drawn Exit the structure with your hands in the air said the chief Cherry felt them creep closer and closer She didn t move As they approached the dirt below them began to crumble The earth between Cherry and the police officers began to disappear A chasm separated Cherry In the dark it looked as if the ground was turning into the void The dirt churned and the whole forest began to grumble and vibrate Screams echoed through the forest The men stared down at their feet but before they could move they began to plummet into the dark falling earth Cherry listened as they screamed for their lives but it was too late for even her to save them The ground began to reform as each of the men disappeared Like a wound being sutured the dirt zipped back together Grass sprouted in seconds and other plants followed suit Cherry watched two pansies push their heads out of the ground Across the forest she heard ground rumble as if it was purging some kind of sickness Cherry couldn t help but feel more at home than ever 40 41
Lily Tanvi Jeph A lily bloomed in my garden I saw it through my window It danced with the rain It sang with the birds It smiled with the sun I went away for a few days When I came back I saw The lily started to wilt It became dry as the autumn leaves Crinkled as an unpressed school shirt I went in the garden I stared at it in sorrow The plant neverDanced with the rain Sang with the birds Or smiled with sun It danced sang and smiledWith me and it was still alive Within me 42 43
For Two Youbin Park oh how selfish I have been to stay in bed when the sun hangs above the sky waiting for breakfast to appear with two sets of silverware what can I say I retired from licking love from the sharp edge of mens knives I no longer stand for the sting the thrill the blood coating the back of my throat Instead I wait for tea time two mugs a spoonful of honey and Intertwined fingers I wait for the sound of his laughter and the gentle pressure of his hands and only then I can start my day there is no urgency no time bombs or silver tongued beasts though sometimes I think they are just hiding beyond but they never show and when the sun sets I prepare two blankets for two bodies and one selfish soul 44 45
summer stunner Mari Pizzini hot girl summer can easily turn into a freak tastic automatic nasty hot girl bummer when we compare the amount of skin peeking out of our thigh holes to another s blue bikini and lack of side rolls instead of labeling my body as wrong and distasteful I ll take those nasty words and completely absurd comparison tactics and focus on how beautiful my stretch marks look against porcelain skin turned red by the sun choosing me as I lay with my skin fully bared is what I ve come prepared to do in the wake of you summer is for sunshine and shorts riding up my thigh not keeping my skin covered from your all too keen and prowling eye you say it s unsightly to be seen in such a way but I m choosing me in this game of right and wrong and unacceptable I ve self fully chosen to put what I love on display 46 47
The Hanging Crows Sarah Hall Murphy The boy and the girl walked through the forest Crows hung from the branches Their beaks were open eyes bulged feet bound with twine The boy cast them strange fascinated glances as they passed The girl walked by them in silence The boy s clothes were still damp His skin was pale and it was bitterly cold For three days rain had fallen It had bled day and night into one the noise of the thunder echoing through the woods Here the girl had said pulling the skin of a Ware apart and there they had outlasted the rain He remembered the face on the Ware gristle in its teeth the yellow of its eyes A large slit ran down the middle They had not been the ones to make it the beast had been dead when they found it The boy hadn t been sure what they would have done if it was still alive Died themselves probably No that wasn t right He looked at the girl again She would not die easily There would only be one of them lying still on the forest floor The girl wore a crown of daisies Her hair fair eyes colourless skin pale Yet her feet weighed in the same clogs as he moved with a gracefulness a lightness akin to the Fae Their mother as the girl grew older and more beautiful had often accused her of such things A challenging The old woman had spat her face lined with the years she had wasted A challenging and a sore one to boot She belongs in the fire We oughta ve tossed her there at birth He had sat by his mother s knee and rubbed at his stockings He wanted to tell her nobody belonged in flames not people not the beasts in the forest nor the Kings and Queens of other lands Flames were hard to undo He was not devious like her Mother so dutiful to have tempted them into the forest and commanded them to wait nor did he have the cunning of his sister But he was kind He poked at a hole in his many stitched waistcoat and stared at the crows The rain had slicked their feathers to the colour of tar and he felt a strange pity for them You re awfully quiet said the girl I m hungry said the boy Though his hunger pains had quieted the closest thing either of them had had to a good meal was dandelion stems The boy pointed 48 49
to a nearby crow Why don t we take one of those crows down Father showed me how to light a fire with flint If we could find some But even as he suggested it he knew it was futile The crows had begun to appear a half mile back There was darkness here Whether it was the darkness of Pagans the Holy Men of their village warned against or the darkness of witches or Ware Wolves or simply that of evil men he did not know Nothing good would come from the crows As they turned a corner the trees began to thin His heart hammered in his chest They walked into an open plain the trees forming a canopy above The air was warmer here sunlight filtering through the treetops But that wasn t the best part there was a house The thought of a good meal and a bed was intoxicating He made to stride forward but his sister held him back What He whispered Isn t this strange Just look at that house He looked The walls were the colour of cake and the smell of biscuits wafted from an open window The windows were glazed He blinked trying to be sure but yes actually glazed like icing Thick wafers formed the roof Chocolate tears hung from licorice gutters and a row of jelly beans paved a path to the front door It was like something out of a dream He licked his lips I m hungry He said His sister sighed They should be cautious in the forest but he was so hungry Thoughts would come clearer after a good meal The girl insisted on knocking at the door The boy poked the wall and was surprised to be met with resistance Not cake then but biscuit Marshmallow grew around the door He took a bite It was the best thing he had ever tasted His sister opened her mouth to chide him but before she could say anything the door opened Before them stood the oldest woman he had ever seen She gnarled hands like the washer women in their village but none of the kindness in her eyes Her skin was grey and molting her teeth yellow Her eyes reminded him of the Ware Why don t you come in The woman smiled They spent the night there Their beds were soft and the woman gave them a wonderful supper The boy woke the next morning with the smell of breakfast beckoning him downstairs As he reached the bottom of the stairs he was surprised to hear his sister and the woman 50 were deep in conversation You ll teach me magic His sister s voice excited rang cleanly through the wall He heard the clink of cutlery the scraping of a plate For the right price the woman said For a week s labour I can teach you a spell that will return you to your village Or Or I can teach you how to never need anyone again Even him The boy staggered back He snuck out the backdoor carefully and sat on the grass The woman was a witch The thought unsettled him Magic wasn t bad in itself but those who used it often became bad He didn t want that for his sister After a few minutes his sister joined him She put her hand on his shoulder A sliver of daylight between them They sat together for a long time Eventually the girl rose She wants us to work They worked That night his dreams were festered He rolled in sweat stained sheets grunting softly fists clenched He was with his father on the mountains The air was sharp and sweet the goats bleating His father looked well which was largely how the boy knew this was a dream You look rough said his father I feel it the boy stared up to the mountains which were covered with snow It s nice up here Don t dawdle Work is work They continued down herding the goats along Dad Aye Why It was the simplicity of the word more than anything else that caught the breath in his throat His father thought I did my best with you But the fight s not in you Like these goats Made for sacrifice Sacrifice the boy repeated He looked at the snow which had begun to smother the land Wind stung his eyes All magic requires sacrifice His father said in the witch s voice The boy felt distorted as he woke The mountains slipped away 51
He lay in the bathtub up to his neck His sister was speaking He tried to reach out for her but his arms were heavy The coldness of the mountains was still on his skin The witch s hand was on his sister s shoulder She was mumbling words faster and faster as the water rose over his eyes His skin turned to feathers His eyes shrank Pain ran like claws down his spine When it was over he curled up but she straightened him out She took him by the feet He already knew where they were going She picked the lowermost branch of a Hawthorn tree His brothers did not look surprised to see him She was crying naturally but his sharp bird eyes did not miss the pleasure The expectation of magic She tied him to the branch too low down to see the rest of the crows for this he was glad Days weeks months She sat with him often Sometimes she brought excuses other times blame Never news from home He watched as his sister grew into a woman her reputation growing with her The witch disappeared one day and did not come back His sister stopped coming to speak to him a long time ago He wondered if she remembers which one he is Insanity is normal for crows flickering as they do in their half tongue but he held on to himself Waiting One day it happened His sister stood holding her staff high Flames swirled dark golds and wicked orange and soon the house was alight Smoke ate up the canopy Heat singed his feathers He came to her with deadwood wings They stood once girl and not boy and watched the walls fall the roof cave in the sky a shroud in black 52
Summer Boulevard Willow Kang Liew Bei Maia strolled down the boulevard It had been too long since she could dream of hopping even over the hopscotch tiles like a child There were no hopscotch tiles on this particular boulevard but Maia played with the edges of the shadows Even if anyone was watching Maia could not be bothered to look back Today the pavement and all the sunlight could be hers It was the proper morning of June 1st which to Maia signaled the start of Summer Excited holiday goers and caffeinated workers alike milled about her Maia did not feel as if she belonged to this humming crowd Instead she felt a refreshing solace At dawn Maia had packed a bag with just three changes of clothing and some cash She took the first flight out of her hometown a cement jungle She checked into a hotel in a coastal city Maia was not a fugitive from law enforcement but a fugitive from demands That plane spirited her away from her gossiping friends and perfectionist parents who necessitated a shiny flawless version of Maia Sixteen years of acting was over for Maia Maia understood how the dead whispered souls of her school felt now crushed by the weight of their own achievements The air in Maia s hometown was desiccated and arid Here even with the stifling summer heat a sea breeze washed over Maia carrying her like the floating hibiscus petals Maia could see herself waitressing in the cafes far away from the indifferent practical city she had been trapped in In the boulevard Maia was recklessly free for as long as the horizon wore on in her youth 54 55
june 1st Aj Stanton i rise from the grasp of sleep and what greets me when i rise an old friend gone for so long it seems reaching through the cracks of my blinds stroking my face as if to tell me it s time love it s okay and she laces up my shoes helps me down the stairs and it s hard i open the door and pull some fruit out i cut it up and put it in a little container as methodically and logically as i can while she holds me from behind whispering words of encouragement she grew this to nourish me she grew this to help me succeed thrive live and with this i put it in my bag because she grew this because she loves me and with this i march towards the door step by step bite by bite day by day she kisses me when i open it good morning i love you i love you too day by day 57
Bright Myriam Havel I sat on the bench by the water with the tulips There were families gathered on the grass friends laughing in groups couples holding hands I felt a little out of place alone on the bench but I couldn t linger on it my eyes kept darting up at the clouds They looked so soft as they drifted by I wanted to feel them on my tongue and shove them into the gaps between my teeth Instead I licked the coffee off my lips choking down the bitterness of you I gulped down freshly mowed grass gasped in marijuana smoke watched the green haired girl hula hoop on rollerblades She made smooth strides on the boardwalk guiding her hoop around her hips her arms her legs She never once let it hit the ground I was sure I could do it too I looked down at the ground beneath me at my sneakers with their split soles I felt the moisture between my toes took note of the brown stains on my laces thought about the places my shoes had taken me I thought about your backyard the concerts we went to that vegan restaurant with the peach martinis They d been good shoes they just hadn t been rollerblades 58 I swept my eyes back and forth rolling them like wheels looking for something nothing instead closing my eyes to listen to the currents of bumblebees floating between tulips to the laughter of children filling their mouths with dandelion fluff to the peaceful silence of singularity A warm sensation rushed into me turning me every shade of pink and yellow and I realized I was the happiest I d ever been I wanted to sing I wanted to write a fucking song about how good it felt to be alone about how good it felt to be alive And when I opened my eyes the whole world was saturated with color I squinted looked into the sun and wondered if I was in a badly edited photograph Everything was so bright 59