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2023

contents. Chapter 1 : Miscellaneous Thoughts Chapter 2 : First Impressions Chapter 3 : From me to you, From you to me Chapter 4 : Characteristics (That I Like)Chapter 5 : Core Memories

Hi.

MERRY CHRISTMASSS!!!!!!!!Anyways, onto your gift, these first few lines are gonna be a little awkward but that's a given, so the moreyou read the more you'll see me start yapping nonsensically. But anyways gotta break it to that point. I'm gonna break this into chapters, ‘chapters’. More like little tiny letters so it's not a giant chunk of aparagraph.

Like I'm thinking a whole short novel long. I've got a lot of thoughts, my hands can't even keep up to writethem. But I'm gonna keep it a little shorter so it's not a nightmare to read and also so I don't look like apsycho. Like come on, multiple pages of 1000 words that's freaking stalker behaviour. It'd be fun to write a bookabout this though, it’d be like journaling to me. I'm glad you asked though cause there's so many things i'd like to tell you actually. Its the universe makingthings work all over again. I'm not sure if you want my thoughts around specifically you or us so it'll mix them all in and also i've got alittle fear this is gonna end up to be wayyyyy too long.

Also I've got a confession. I've actually written a few letters already, like handwritten ones but they're notproper ones, like all under 100 words. But those are for my eyes only. My eyes only !!! Unless you pay me.

Honestly I dont wanna rush into freaking paragraphs, I’m still tryna break my brain in, so miscellaneousthoughts first is a good start I think.

So first chapter right?

Chapter 1 : Miscellaneous thoughts That are somehow linked to you?? Some are more skewed than others, I don't even know why Iput them in, a lot are just things I want you to know from me to you.

I've got a confession. I've logged down every time we’ve called. What day, how long, who called, allthat stuff. Maybe that's a little creepy but I just don't want to forget them. They're actually the mostfun I have on the weekends anymore, maybe even the only fun. I don't like going out anymore, and Idon't like hanging out with my friends anymore. I think right now, you’ve become the first person I goto, and I think you know that too. I think maybe you’ve become my favourite person. 1

24/09/2023 - 6 hours 04/10/2023 - 1 hour 06/10/2023 - 2 hours08/10/2023 - 7 hours 22/10/2023 - 5 hours 01/11/2023 - 1 hour 12/11/2023 - 6 hours 19/11/2023 - 6 hours 20/11/2023 - 1 hour 1/225/11/2023 - 5 hours 1

And because of that, the timezones kill me a little. The fact that I don't know you and you don't knowme in real life makes me say a lot more than I would if I knew you in real life but at the same time it'shard to have a real connection sometimes you know? Some things you just have to say and it's notright to say over the phone, or over text. Also on that, I know I ask and say more stuff and askquestions over call with my voice but it’s funny that you noticed. I think it's because I rely on the factthat people’s memories aren't perfect but texts can be searched up and are always there, so theconsequences for saying what's on my mind is less when it's over call. But I’ll try more in text too. I’dlike to tell you more how I do really enjoy having you in my life. 1

Also I think about it like 5 times every 2 minutes but I was seriously an ass when we first met. And it'sdefinitely cause I didn't know you for long enough and my brain wasn’t letting me let you know stuff.But that's not in the way where I didn't value you, you just weren't someone to me yet. That’s not theright wording but it’s like you weren’t a physical thing yet. You were some kind of enigma, concept,idea?? I don't know how to describe it either. 1

Also I don't know if I should say this, cause if I mention it it’ll pop up in both of our minds every time ithappens after this and it won't be as natural anymore. But who cares right, this is for my miscellaneousthoughts and I have this one a lot. I like how you have all sorts of names for me. I like bear a lot and Ilike bubble and I like darling, dear, baby, I feel a little embarrassed to repeat them and say this. And Ilike babydoll and I like shewy, it's so personal. Take this now and forget about it later or i’ll kill you.1

I like how you don’t lie. It really relieves me and saves me a lot of stress. I like how you don’t backdown on your words because you mean everything you say. I like how you’re reliable and give mestability and consistency cause I really need that right now. So thank you for staying the same. 1

I still think it's crazy we still talk, I still think it's crazy you can put up with me. I don't know what thereis to put up with in the first place. And whenever I ask this I don't say it in a ‘my personality is bad!!’ Isay it because I genuinely don't think I have a personality, I mimic what other people do and say and Ihave no defining features. At least that I know about. So thanks for giving me a little more insight onhow I act. I still have a lot more questions though. Maybe I'll figure it out one day and you’ll help me.Even if I dismiss it when you say them, I've saved every nice thing you've said to me. But I will neverfigure out how to handle them, I don’t think I'll ever get used to it, nonetheless I like rereading them, itmakes me feel realer. I didn't know people could do more than just tolerate me, I forget and I don'thear it often. I never heard it before I met you actually. Thanks for reminding me. I like when you useyour words.1

these are a couple of things that ive saved from our chats that meant a lot to me ‘couple’ and then theres a whole museum showcase wow sherry (this was very important to my heart !!)1

I like having you in my life. You’ve made it a lot better, til the point where I can barely remember howlife was before meeting you. And even though my mental health spiralled after meeting you and i’mworse off than before, I feel a bit better knowing I have you to talk to and not just my group at school.I wouldn’t trade meeting you with how I was before for the whole universe. You make it a lot better atleast, I don’t dread as much as I would. You make me feel a lot more alive, so thank you. 1

I said I didn't want to rush into chapters and then I rushed into them and convinced my mind they werenot cause I put dot points. This is madness. Anyways, Chapter 2 now. 1

Chapter 2 : First Impressions Thinking back as far as I can, this is gonna be my attempt at trying to remember what I thoughtabout you in the first few weeks and also trying to decipher why I was actually batshit crazy backthen.

I'm not gonna lie. I think it’s better that you know the full truth, or what was the truth cause obviously myviewpoint has changed since then. When I first met you, you being Italian sparked my curiosity and that made me want to keep talking to you.Italy is such a Hollywood set and I forget real people live there and not actors and actresses andcelebrities and paparazzi. I'm not sure if you’ll see that as a bad or good thing. I think I’d consider it a goodthing. But for the most part, I really wanted someone to just talk to because I was lonely el oh el. I reallyhad nobody to talk to, I don’t talk about some things to my friend’s, Miranda’s too young to understand,and my parents are my parents so it’s out of the question. And even beyond that, my friends I seeeveryday so I can’t tell them about even the simple things like how my day went. I wanted somebody Icould tell those things to. And the first, most normal person that I found interesting happened to be you.It’s hard to believe someone like you I met on Omegle. I haven't gone on Omegle since then actually, Inever felt the need to again. And now that it's shut down, I won't ever be able to again. That's weird tothink about, the one reason we met is gone forever. Imagine if the owner guy decided to shut it down justa month before. Then we would've never met. It was purely Fortuna’s plan. I'm telling you, there's no otherway. I don’t think it was luck, that’s the wrong word, because I think that it was meant to happen, andmaybe it was planned too. Its fate, predestination, something in the universe. I will always think that. At the very beginning, I was pretty wary of you and I really wanted to just joke around. I didn't want to tellyou so much, or anything actually for the fear that you’d ended up as a one week contract like Joe was. Ireally didn't think this would last and because of that, I tried so hard actually to get you to leave. So I'd feelbetter knowing that I predicted it and it was my doing instead of being ghosted out of the blue. I know itsounds a little stupid recounting it now but I really hope you can just see my view you know. I didn't knowthen, but I do now. 2

I'm not too sure if Sam met Stefano or if I met you first, but I remember one of us going on Omegle causethe other one found an Italian man and wanted one ourselves. I'm pretty sure it was Sam though, thatabsolutely doesn't sound like me. Anyways, that's not the point. The point is, imagine if she had met youand I had met Stefano, and that's how the universe goes. It's just fate all over again. 30,000 people onlineat the same time, at least 2% gotta be Italian right? Thats still a big number. And then again I just wanted aperson to talk to, that was ‘normal’, (Omegle normal). But that builds it up to like what? 40%? Or should igive them the benefit of the doubt and say 50% are regular people and not porn addicts. 15,000 peopleand it was still you. I feel like I'm losing myself. Anyways point is - i'm glad it was you and not Stefano orany other Italian man or any other man or any other person. Out of the whole 30,000. Or maybe I'm being crazy. Do you think I was meant to meet you? I always get the feeling that we weremeant to meet. Or I'd like to think so. Because you came at the exact right time where I needed a changeof pace and a cleansing from everyone I already knew. I'm not sure what it was for you, but in thatmoment, it was just right for me to meet you and the stars knew too. I don’t even use Omegle dude, thelast time I used it was like two years ago so what are the chances at that right exact moment. You said you don't click with a lot of people, but I think we clicked. I mean come on, I'm almost sure of it. 2

Chapter 3 : From me to you,From you to me.The titles pretty fidgety but this is predominately how I feel about you, how I see you, and whatimpression you give off.

There's a rift in my mind where you’re separated into two people. I'm not sure exactly when it happened,but one was the first few weeks when I didn't really take it seriously and still thought it was a temporarything and then boom you’re all of a sudden not a concept and you're real, which marks the second half thatyou are now. Another weird thing is that in my mind I've assigned some random guy as you for the first fewweeks, so you could feel more real to me. He’s got like short, lighter brown hair and eyes and a slightlydifferent personality too, I have no idea what happened in my brain. But somewhere along the lines withtime passing, that changed and you morphed.Into Shawn Mendes.3

I don't know if anything I say after this will make sense because how I think of you isn't clear to myselfeither. I don't put much thought into it. You’re just you and I'm just me. And it works like that. 3

But if I had to put it into words, i’d say I see you as someone who I can talk to and rely on. Even thoughsometimes I expect you to just listen like some AI bot and that's not good, I know that. I’d like to knowwhat you think, I just get blinded sometimes by my point of view. I do value your opinion. You’re literally myolder brother now bc I said so. Can you adopt me pls. I want to see Europe. You're fun to talk to and I like spending time with you. You distract me from everything else and I like beingable to say what's on my mind and not think about everything else. I really hate when we turn sour, itstresses me out. But I like telling you about myself, I think that's what you don't know. I think you're really funny and you're a great guy. You give me a lot of hope in men. I wish I could pull my brain out and reconstruct it into words because all this stuff seems so generic buttrust me, you’ve always been so shiny in my mind. You’re so amazing to my brain, i’ve never met anyone likeyou. Are you real? I feel like that question is pretty annoying but half the time I say it not because i'm having an out of bodyexperience. I say it because you're sometimes too good to be true. You say things sometimes that makeme stop and stare. As corny as that sounds. But I really find you genuinely intelligent and I guess the way Isee you is as the philosopher in The Courage to be Disliked and I'm the boy. Thanks for answering myquestions, you've given me a lot of insight. I guess i’ve always seen you like an older brother. I don’t know why I do that actually, every time I make anew male friend I automatically set an imaginary status of them being my brother. Except most of themend up disappointing me because they wanted to be friends for the sole reason of potentially dating me. Ireally do want an older brother, that’s all I really want actually. Maybe Santa will gift me one this Christmas.But until then, thank you for filling that gap for me. Which is as long as possible I hope. 3

I've got another confession. I started making this right after you asked me cause I really want to show youhow you really are important to me because I feel like I haven't been showing it so recently. But it doesn’twork out that It’s meant to be a secret and I can’t give you updates yeah? Truth is, you really have helped me, more than any other person has and I should've said it before. I'vegotten comfortable with you faster than any other person I've given twice, even triple the amount of timeto talk to. Dioni, Daeun, Patrik, Cain, not even Sabrina know the things you know about me and honestly Idon't think they ever will know. It's just you. You’re some wizard or something, there's got to be somemagic involved. Not to make it sound like you didn't put effort into it but it really is like magic. I tried not to text you during classes, I really tried. But I couldn’t handle being the one to be say can’t textrn. I’d prefer to text you until you go to sleep, except I hope you don’t stay up later because ourconversation isn’t over or anything. I’ve also got a really big fear of missing out. What if I text for fiveminutes more and we have the best conversation we’ve ever had? That’s what goes on in my head. Iwonder a lot what you do when we’re not talking. I also wonder if I take away from your hobbies by talkingto you. There’s got to be thing you’d rather or usually would be doing. Did I mess up your gaming routine?If you even had one in the first place? That sounds pretty funny now that I write it down here. I would really like to see the world with you. I had dreams (metaphorically) of buying groceries with youand then bringing them back to a hotel where you’d teach me how to cook your favourite Italian dishes. Ortalking late at night on a balcony with a bottle of wine and charcuterie. Or forcing you to pose like a touristat the tower of Pisa. Or going to that Jazz Bar that your Aunt and Uncle run. I wanted to do your eyeliner. 3

Chapter 4 : Characteristics(that i like)Pretty self explanatory. Just little brief things that i’ve noticed and that I like and also appreciate.

I like the effort you put in, I really do appreciate it. In our first few weeks when you’d always offer to buyme a sandwich or any type of food because I was feeling bad, that made me feel so important. even if it isjust a sandwich. It meant a lot to know that you would if you could. When you’d ask ‘is there any way Icould make you happy?’, that was so special, it was all I needed to hear to make my day 10x better. Ifreaking love, love LOVE, LOVE how you’d reassure me. That time when you said ‘If you ever needreassuring i’m here, actually i’ll remind you’ you will never understand how happy that made me omg. Inthat moment it really got me doubting how I landed such a freaking godsent. I remember that I said ‘Areyou real?’ right after, pathetic response right but that was what I was genuinely thinking. ‘No way this ishappening, i’m never this lucky. This cannot be real.’ I like how you laugh, like genuinely. And I don't even know if this is intentional but I like how you laughwhen I laugh. It makes me feel a lot better about laughing cause it’s a little awkward for me. But dude, Iseriously can’t stress it enough, your accent is so yipee, I don’t take anything back from the first time Iheard it, charming 100%. I like your voice so much actually. I like how you reassure me (again cause I can’t stress it enough), your words mean a lot actually. I likewhen you use your words x2. Really, really like. Like doesn’t feel strong enough. Especially when you tell methings I didn’t know, they surprise me and sometimes they’re hard to believe. I didn’t think someone couldthink those things about me. I really do always look for your confirmation, I like to know when you think I’mdoing good. It makes me happy. I like that I could tell you anything, well not everything, but things I could never tell anybody else. I likedthat you are separate from my outside life so I could come back to you at the end of the day and tell youall about it. Who else am I meant to shit talk about my friends to? I really liked telling you about my day, Idon’t know if it ever got boring to you but it was something I really looked forward to once I got backhome. I really liked all the times when you said you like to hear me talk about my passions. That made me sohappy. I’ve always been told it’s annoying when I do but god that relieved me so much. Thank you fortelling me, it really made me happy. 4

I like how I’d forget about worrying if you’d think I was weird or annoying or not, more times than I doremember of course, cause it’ll play in my mind a few times still. But that’s only out of habit, it’s not becauseyou make me doubt. You actually made me stop doubting myself a lot. I haven’t been so sure of myselfbefore, and it’s not pretend confidence either. I’ve never masked consciously around you, not for a singlesecond or minute or day. You made me feel like I didn’t need to.I like how you express things out loud. When you said that you have no shame in saying that you like me.Wow. I’m sorry I could never do that for you as comfortably as you do. I’ve just never been inclined to.The way I express is a lot more quiet, I hope you realise that and don’t think I just don’t care or somethingbecause that’s completely wrong. I’ve done a lot of things that you’ll never know about and I think that’s adownfall. I’ve got stickers of fox everywhere, i’ve got one on my phone actually. I doodle them together onall my worksheets, and I mean all. I’ve written about you in my diary. I’ve told Mikki about you. I deny it toplay along but I seriously think he’d like you a lot. He used to be really scared of people when we first gothim but he’s gotten so much better and it reminds me a lot of myself. But point is, Mikki would definitelylike you, I know him and I know you and I know he would. But only cause he’s a very nice cat !! Although,he’ll always love my scratches more. I like how patient you are with me. The fact that i’ve asked you the same few questions a million times yetyou still answer them genuinely, I really appreciate that. ‘How do you see me?’ ‘Why do you like me?’‘What type of person do you think I am?’ I asked so many and yet you’d always give me something newthat would make me smile. And it’s embarrassing when i’m on the train too. You seem so compassionate and caring, whenever you talk about the gifts you give to your family and howyou’d think about how’d it be useful to them. I can tell you’ve got a lot of love in your heart for them.Especially when you talk about Mia too. It really warms my heart. You really love her and she really lovesyou. I’ve never met someone so close to their cat, you’ve definitely got soul ties. I like the rings you wear, I think they’re so cool. Even though you said once that you don’t really like rings?That made me giggle. Do you wear them to look cool then because it’s working. 4

I like that you’ve got sisters. Which is an odd thing to say, but you get it right? And i’m even more glad thatthey’re older sisters. A person’s like what’s the called?? Birth order determines so much about them andwhen I heard that you have two older sisters, that was such a green flag for me. Speaking of green flags,the fact that you like cats more than dogs is such a green flag. You don’t understand how green that greenflag is. I knew you were a good guy the moment you said Andrew Garfield for Spiderman and ChristianBale for Batman. I like your eyebrows (?) I feel like that’s an odd compliment to put in here. But I do think it so here it is. Ialso really like the colour of your eyes. They look brown from far away but they’re green around the outsideand gold on the inside. I think that’s so special. If I’d buy contacts they’d be your colour. You asked me a question a while ago - If we had an argument and we stopped talking, would that changehow you see Moka? And I don’t think I expressed myself clearly. I said something like ‘Moka isn’t you’ butthat could’ve been interpreted horribly. Anyways, what I meant was that even if we do have a falling out, I’dstill remember how we were. So it wouldn’t matter what we argued about, you’re still the same person inmy head. One wrong thing you might say doesn’t erase the thousand good things you’ve said. So I wouldn’tfeel any different, I would still love him. I don’t think I could honestly hate you, I’m incapable of it. And no, Iwouldn’t tear him up to shreds, i’m too sentimental for that. I’ve always found that so disgusting andimmature of people to ruin things. Also you gave it as gift, out of goodness too, nothing you could say afterthat can change that fact. I’ll always feel gratitude towards receiving him. And I definitely will take care ofhim.I have a lot of love for you in my heart. Not romantic love you know, but I do love you. I’m not in love withyou, I think it’s really important to make that difference. I don’t really ‘like’ people, there’s always been agrey area with the word ‘like’. I’m either completely disinterested or the opposite. I oscillate between thetwo, never in between. ‘Like’ is a confusing median for me, it always feel too weak or too strong. I wouldmuch rather pang it on a yes or no, 1 or 2, left or right scale. So on the Hate and Love scale, I definitelywould say you’re more on love’s side. I love you more than I hate you, it sounds bad when it’s put that waydoesn’t it? I hope you get what I mean. 4

There a period of time that i’ll always hold dear in my heart, and I think it was around the midway of 2months of talking. That was so good, everything was so smooth and so happy. I hope it was for you toobecause I was so happy then. But most of my best memories were from there. We got along so well andyou said so many nice things to me and I changed a lot for the better, I really believe I did. I was sosecure and I just felt comfortable and safe. That’s just about how you’d describe it. I felt really heard too,everything I said was sympathised with, I could tell you anything without being worried how it’d go.Everything you said was just right, it really healed me. Also you’ve literally been healing me you know that right? My skin has never been clear since i’ve met youand I haven’t changed any products and have actually stopped using my acne treatment. My minds beenso much clearer as well. All my grades are good and i’m reaching all little monthly goals, I feel so well withyou around and this cannot be a coincidence cause i’ve been stuck in a slump for a whole year and Icome out of it now?? My life’s been a lot more fulfilled with you around, and i feel real. Like i’m real guys i’mreal!!! It’s like i’m actually living nowadays. I like how you use we and us and let’s. ‘What are we eating today?’ ‘So, what are we thinking?’. That’s sucha nice feature. I know you do it on purpose but you don’t realise the depth that I do take it. I like the duality. Like how we can be serious but also joke around and either is as okay as the other andthey don’t affect each other. And even when I told you serious stuff about me we could go back to jokingand it wouldn’t change anything. I appreciate that a lot. I like how i’m allowed to be dumb and silly, once in a while of course but point is is that i’m justcomfortable. I don’t care for being seen as put together or smart or responsible that I usually am. Also I like hearing stories from you, like genuinely I like when you tell me stories of when you were a kid.I’m so curious of that time frame like ugh why couldn’t I be born in the 2000s so I could experience that.And even then it’s beyond that, I wanna know you and hearing memories is a good way to in my mind atleast because it’s past what I know. 4

Anyways ya. Shut me up before I write ten pages. 4

Chapter 5 : Core MemoriesAgain, pretty self explanatory. Things that have happened that stick out to me.

When Shewy was made at the very, verryyy startBitch charm When I said my parents might get divorced. That night is so important to me. The first time we calledLiterally every time you say I was in one of your dreams, I remember all of themWhen I couldn’t study and you pulled up pages on informationEvery time you compliment my eyeliner Omg dude adding onto that, the first time I gave you my instagram and you said it suited me so well.YIPEE!! And also my hair up. That was so yipee.When we watched Nightmare before Christmas but I fell asleepKelly toesWhen you made up bubbleWhen I was meant to study but I just procrastinated and called you while making cookiesWhen we’d just listen to music and talk about itWhen I drew fox and bear and immediately you set it as your phone background. That’s my roman empire. Pretty pretty eyes When you said people are like cauldrons to you and my mix is good Omgomg when you said me happy was a sight with that minions girl. I literally think of that everyday. Watching Scott Pilgrim Coming home from school and receiving Moka Omg yeah naming him Moka stands out too 5

Alright is that all? I’ve got more but closing sentences before I actually do write a book. Firstly, mostimportantly Merry Christmas!! and I also suppose a late Happy Birthday!!!! too. Anyways, just wanna let you know that i’m wishing the best for you, in all positive aspects of life. And that Ireally, really, really appreciate having you in my life and i’m truely grateful for it. You’ve made it a lot better.You’re actually really important to me dude. I wish I could do more but I hope this will suffice for now ANDMERRY CHRISTMAASS !!!!!!!!!! 5

Anyways, I’m sorry for the wait, you’ll see why. Flip the page please !!

Okay bye bye forreal now, MERRY CHRISTMAS !!