Book 1- There Is No Script for P : simplebooklet.com

WELCOME TO SUNRISE FAMILY SERVICES ADOPTION EDUCATION PROGRAM 1 2 3 The content within the 10 books synthesizes information from organizations specializing in adoption academic articles and books Within the content there are activities documentaries podcasts and a few reports At the end of each major topic there is a Hear It From An Expert section where you listen to a podcast from Creating a Family a U S based organization specializing in adoption and infertility education The podcasts recap important points in the content and provide extra information There are five Exploring Online Resources activities linking you directly to useful websites developed by medical professionals and adoption parenting experts The purpose of these activities is to introduce you to excellent resources you can come back to time and time again Lastly we want to get you engaged and proactive about your learning Outlined at the end of this book and in the last booklet Taking Care of Yourself there are two to three mandatory activities clients must complete The Proactive Learning Activities get you thinking about accessing other resources and also connecting you with experts in adoption and adoptive parents Because adoption and parenting require life long learning we have also developed a list of activities for you to create your own learning plan during the homestudy process and while you wait Please keep track of the optional activities you complete as your social worker will want to see this list

The education program is organized as follows:

We are excited that you decided to make Sunrise Family Services Society the beginning of your adoption journey. You might be we wondering, “Why do I need to complete an adoption education program?” The education program is a component of your homestudy that is mandated by The Adoption Act of British Columbia. The Adoption Act represents the voices of adult adoptees, adoptive parents and adoption professionals who highlight preparedness as the key to a successful adoption experience for both the child and the parent. Our goal is to prepare you to become an adoptive family and understand the joys, struggles, risks, and realities of adopting and raising an adopted child. To sift through the abundance of information about adoption in academic literature, books, and websites can be overwhelming, so we developed an education series with the most current and relevant information all in one place. Each book covers topics interlinked with one another, and each section builds on those before it, so please complete all the sections and books in order.

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WELCOME TO SUNRISE FAMILY SERVICES ADOPTION EDUCATION PROGRAM

The purpose of the first book is to get you thinking about your decision to adopt, how adopted children differ from biological children, and your role in educating close friends and family members about adoption.

IN THIS BOOK YOU WILL LEARN ABOUT:

The expectations you might have about adoptionWhat your child thinks and feels about your motivation to adoptWhat to do when friends and family are apprehensive about your adoption decisionHow adopted chidlren are different than biological.

As you progress through the program keep in mind every situation, and every child is unique; there is no one-size fits all pattern. Some of the topics will be applicable to your prospective adopted child, and others will not. Most of your learning will take place when your child is finally home; however, the more informed you are pre-adoption, the more prepared you will be to meet your child’s needs post-adoption, provide support and love, and manage your expectations, and stress. In the past decade the advice, and strategies to help children cope with adoption related challenges has ballooned. It would be helpful if one resource provided parents with techniques that guaranteed definitive results, but there is no script for parenthood. The education program offers strategies developed by experts in the field; however, as you build a relationship with your child you will write your own script, knowing what works best for this precious member of your family.

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REINING IN YOUR EXPECTATIONS THE COLT S FAMILY STORY

Sandra and Marc Colt could not believe that after two years of preparation, paperwork and waiting, they were about to have a beautiful child of their own to take home to Langley. It all seemed so surreal.

Sandra and Marc had met in University. They moved in together, bought a house, travelled and then gotten married. As soon as they were married they started to discuss finally having children. “Marc and I really wanted a family to share our lives with,” says Sandra. Adoption seemed like the natural choice to them, as did adopting from India, where they had travelled for three months after university. They had continued to learn about the culture ever since.

In March of 2014, Sandra and Marc got the call all adoptive parents wait for, they had been matched with a child named Nomita, an two-year-old girl living in an Indian orphanage. “It was wonderful, absolutely wonderful news,” Sandra says. Sandra and Marc made all the necessary arrangements and six months later they travelled to Kolkata to meet Nomita, their daughter.

When Nomita’s caregiver brought her to Sandra and Marc, Nomita was crying. “That’s when I realized that she was about to leave everyone and everything she knew,” says Sandra. Sandra and Marc remember every moment of that day.

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“Nomita turned to me and reached up to me asking to be picked up. When I picked her up she smiled, a shy little smile and I was overwhelmed with excitement and joy.”

The caregiver gave Sandra, Marc and Nomita a tour of the orphanage. They got to see Nomita’s crib where she slept. The photos they had sent her were taped above her crib so she could see them every day.

The transition back to Langley went extremely well. The only problem seemed to be getting Nomita into a good sleep patern. Otherwise everything seemed wonderful. Sandra and Marc finally had the child they had been dreaming of.

Nomita is now an active and mischievous three-year-old who fills the house with laughter every day. “She loves to be silly and make people laugh.” exclaims Sandra. Nomita loves watching hockey with her dad, painting with her mom and playing in the park. She is also a great travel companion, she loves going on plans and seeing new things. Sandra and Marc have already booked a month long heritage tour to India next year .

“We can’t believe how lucky we are, how smooth the process is, how much we love Nomita is and how quickly we have become a family,” Sandra exclaims.”

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REINING IN YOUR EXPECTATIONS Do You Expect

Most of us desire an adoption story similar to the Colts’. We hope our prospective adoptive child integrates well into our family. We hope we feel a rush of love the moment we see them, and they feel the same way towards us. We hope they have loving and nurturing caregivers in the orphanage. We hope the birthmother is confident with her decision, and legal issues are quickly and easily resolved. Of course it is okay to hope, be optimistic and excited about your adoption, but it is equally as important to have realistic expectations.

Many adoptive parents consciously or subconsciously filter the stories, and realties of adoption they want to hold onto. These stories often involve cuddles, adventures to the park, holding the newborn, and asserting the joy the child brings to the family. These are the stories we hear because adoptive families are selective about what they share.

It is difficult for people to recollect the challenges, rejections, tantrums, and impacts on siblings. However, it is important you have the entire story, and acknowledge there are obstacles along the journey that you might experience. By taking off the adoption blinders, and opening yourself up to learning about the good and the not so good, you are preparing yourself to deeply reflect on the question “do I really want to adopt a child?”. If after this education program, homestudy process, and the extra learning you engage in, the answer is still yes, then you are on your way to adjusting your expectations to the realties of adoption.

As you read through the list below, ask yourself: “do I have any underlying assumptions or expectations about my adoption?” about this

adoption.

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To have time for the activities you currently partake in? Your family, and close friends to embrace your decision to adopt?The adoption path to be straightforward? The child to integrate into the Canadian culture or your ethnic heritage? To feel instantly attached to your child when they come home?To be a more patient, nurturing and responsive caregiver than your parent(s) were? To feel empathy towards the birthmother? Your biological children to embrace their new sibling? That loving will be enough and conquer all? Your family and friends to understand your child’s behaviour?Your child to be healthy?.

Managing these expectations is directly connected to the content of the education program. As you complete certain sections of the program, you will understand why it is important to have realistic expectations about the adoption process, and your prospective adoptive child. You might have other expectations that are not addressed here so keep them in mind and evaluate how they change throughout your learning.

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DOUBLE CHECKING YOUR MOTIVATIONS

The first question most people ask you when you tell them you have decided to adopt is “why?”. Even after your child is home this question will come up.

Some of you have an answer right away, but is your reason sound? Motivations are frequently well-intentioned; however, your reason(s) for adoption can strengthen or limit your ability to parent an adopted child. Some people’s motivations are self-interested and linked to their expectations of the adoption journey, rather than what is in the best interest of the adopted child.

Parents have stated that their motivations for adopting internationally verses domestically are based on assumptions of alcohol or drug exposure. They assume internationally adopted children are at decreased risks for either, and they add an extra bonus of being more culturally interesting. Others are motivated by convenience, for example the lack of interference or contact with birthparents, waitlists, and the age of children available for adoption. Some also state their motivation for adopting is based on a religious calling, wanting to make their partner happy, and even to prove their political ideology.1

Your motivation is influenced by various factors, and it is important to be aware of what you can handle practically, emotionally, and financially, in order to provide the child with the nurturing home they require. But, one day your child will ask this question. Imagine your child is in front of you and asks “Mom/Dad, why did you adopt me?”.

Do you have a truthful answer that focuses on the needs and interests of the child?

The answer you give to this question will impact your child’s view of themselves and how they fit into your family unit.

Let’s examine some of the unsound motivations for adoption, and what an adopted child may feel and think when you give certain responses.

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DOUBLE CHECKING YOUR MOTIVATIONS UNACCEPTED LOSSES OF INFERTILITY OR DEATH OF A CHILD TO STRENGTHEN AN UNSTABLE RELATIONSHIP OR SUPPORT A PARTNER

If you think adding a new member to your family is going to mend a crumbling relationship between you and your partner, think again. The 12 -18 months after placement are extremely stressful. You are bringing a person into your family you do not know, and they do not know you. Adopted children also come with challenges you may not be fully prepared for. So, when will you have time to repair your relationship, while trying to build a bond with an adopted child in a stress-filled household?

If you seem invested in this adoption, but are only going through with it because your partner really wants to adopt, this can put a strain or your relationship.2 Think about what happens when the child comes home. Because you were only supporting your partner in the decision, the majority of the parental responsibilities will fall on them, likely to result in relationship difficulties. Adopted children tend to interpret strife as their doing. The adopted child may feel they are the cause of the relationship problems, because you never really wanted them. Therefore, it is important that your relationship with your partner is strong during the adoption process, and you are both ready to build a family and share in the joys and challenges of parenting an adopted child.

Jumping into the decision to adopt without grieving and accepting the losses associated with not being able to parent a biological child places pressure on the adopted child to fill a void. Filling the void does not lessen the pain of infertility or losing a child. What you consider to be moving on with your life, by bringing another child into it, before having the time to grieve, places responsibility on the adopted child to gratify your emotional needs.

Once you have grieved, you are better able to recognize adoption as an alternative path to becoming a parent. You will not expect the adopted child to live up to your desired biological child, but rather accept the challenges, excitement, and personality of the child you are parenting.

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DOUBLE CHECKING YOUR MOTIVATIONS ACQUIRING A SIBLING TO RESCUE OF SAVE A CHILD

The common trend throughout all these motivations is adopted persons want to know you adopted them because they are intrinsically valuable for who they are, and you wanted to be their parent. They want to know they were not a means to an end to save your marital relationship, to entertain their sibling, or measure up to a lost biological child. They simply want to feel they are your child and you love them, not for what they do, but for who they are.

If you are going through with the adoption process because your biological or other adopted child is telling you they want a sibling to play with, a more appropriate solution might be to schedule more play dates or get a pet. What your adopted child will probably think when they know you adopted them so their sibling could have a brother or sister is: “I have a particular role to play in this family, the needs of my sibling supersede mine, my parents adopted me for my sibling rather than for me.” It is okay to want to build your family unit because you enjoy the experiences of raising children, and for that reason your child has a sibling; however, it is not okay to place pressure on the adopted child to fill their brother or sister’s needs.

Many people adopt children for altruistic reasons; they believe there are many orphans in need of parents. Driven by the motivation to “save or rescue” a child may seem altruistic, but there may be an underlying premise that the child owes you something. There may also be a tendency to flaunt your child when you think you “saved” them. Some parents make comments to family and friend such as “ look how much their behaviour has improved since we adopted them from China, India, Vietnam, etc.” When parents talk about their child’s adoption or progress this makes them feel like a science project or a souvenir.3

If you are adopting for altruistic reasons recognize the child does not owe you anything because they did not have a choice in their adoption. Adopt the child because you have much to give, and you want to be a parent.

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NOT EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS YOUR DECISION TO ADOPT HEAR IT FROM AN EXPERT PREPARING YOUR EXTENDED FAMILY WHEN ADOPTING A CHILD

When you share your adoption news with your extended family or close friends, and they ask you “why?” with very little enthusiasm and more skepticism, how do you think you will handle this situation?

Some people have not considered adoption as a way of building a family, and others are worried about the unknown factors. Understand that your family’s skepticism is coming from a place of caring, and looking out for your best interests. What people don’t know scares them. To get them more comfortable with adoption you may have some educating to do.

This podcast is 1 hour and 1 minute in length

If you prefer to listen to the podcast online please CLICK HERE

In this podcast Elisabeth O’Toole explains why some extended family members and close friends seem unenthusiastic about your decision to adopt. She provides tips on educating your family, and what to do when your family rejects your child. Please listen to the podcast before moving on.

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WHAT S SO DIFFERENT ABOUT ADOPTIVE PARENTING

Some adoptive parents prefer not to dwell on the differences between their adoptive child and the other members of their family unit. But there are differences between biological and adoptive children parents should keep in mind.

Adopted children have four parents, and they have two kinship systems. They live with their adoptive parents, but often think about their birth family. An adopted child might possess traits and talents that do not run in the adoptive family. The child might have the temperament of the birthmother, or the musical talent of the birthfather. Your child’s ethnicity, culture, and race may differ from your own, and you will not share the same biological features.

Overall the primary responsibilities of

biological and adoptive parenting are similar. You provide love, guidance, and safety. You promote your child’s physical, emotional, social and cognitive development. And you experience life stages with your child such as school entry, adolescence, marriage, and talking to them about reproduction. However, as you progress

If you are someone who is or has been affected by infertility, you may be interested in reading the Globe and Mail article - 'Emotional Trauma'- New therapy for couples undergoing fertility treatments targets relationship strife. Click Here

Optional: If you are interested in hearing from families about other potential bumps in adoptive parenting, take a listen to 'Happily Ever After: Unexpected Stresses of Newly Adoptive Families' Click Here

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through the education program you will notice that adopted children are distinct from biological children because the act of being adopted, or relinquished by birth parents entails life experiences biological children never encounter. Along the adoption journey you mold your parenting style to your child’s needs; you will have conversations about adoption and birthparents, for some of you it will be the first time you experience racism, and for others you will develop techniques to help your child cope with trauma, attachment issues, and intrauterine exposure.

Parenting in general means taking leap of faith, but with adoptive parenting the leap is a little greater. You have none, or very little control over the wellbeing of your unborn child, and for some of you pursuing international or older child adoptions, what happens to your child during the first few months or years of life.

Unaware of the challenges that lie ahead, are you still ready to take the adoption leap of faith? If your answer is yes, let’s get you started learning everything you can.

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PROACTIVE PROACTIVE LEARNING ACTIVITIES MANDATORY ACTIVITY 1 LEARNING ACTIVITIES

To officially complete this education program you must complete two to three mandatory activities listed below. You can complete these at the end of the online program, or in conjunction. At the end of this section we have developed a list of activities you can do on your own, with a partner, or a friend, to get you thinking about creating your own learning plan.

ReCOMENDTED

Some of the most valuable learning occurs when engaging in discussion with someone who has adopted a child. Your first proactive learning activity is to have a conversation with an adoptive parent. If you are pursuing an intercountry adoption we encourage you to talk to another family who has adopted internationally and, if possible from the same country that you will be adopting from.

Although a face-to-face meeting is preferred, it is not necessary. You can have a phone conversation, a Skype date, and if you are living outside of the Lower Mainland you can join an on-line forum for adoptive parents. If you choose to join a forum we ask that you document the questions you ask, and the responses you receive. We have developed a list of questions you should consider asking.

You might be wondering “how do I go about meeting an adoptive parent?”

Join the Adoptive Families Association of BC. The association holds events, offers support groups, and even has a buddy parent program. Ask around. Most people know a family who has adopted a child. Ask a friend if they are willing to introduce you. Attend a Sunrise Picnic, and birthparent panel.And, as a last resort you can ask a Sunrise staff member to introduce you to a family.

There are two or three recommended activities you should complete depending on the age of the child you wish to adopt, and if you are pursuing a domestic or international adoption.

RECOMMENDED ACTIVITY #1

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PROACTIVE MANDATORY ACTIVITY 2 LEARNING ACTIVITIES

RECOMMENDED ACTIVITY #2

Whether you are planning to adopt a toddler (ages 0-3) or an older child (ages 4+) please read “ The Connected Child: Bringing Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family” by Karyn B. Purvis and David D. Ross (2007)

This book is an easy read, jammed packed with extra information you will find useful. The intent of this exercise is to expose you to other adoption and parenting literature. If you purchase the book on Amazon, go to a bookstore, or borrow the book from the local library, take a look at the other books on the shelf. Pick up a few as bedtime reads when the homestudy is complete.

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RECOMMENDED ACTIVITY #3

AFRICA

There is No Me Without You: One Woman’s Odeyssey to Rescue Africa’s Children by Melissa Fay Greene

Basali – Stories by and about women in Lesotho – University of Natal Press

Lesotho Magic Mountain Kingdom – Dirk Schwager – Thaba Productions website:

www.lesothobook.com

CHINA

Messages from an Unknown Chinese Mother by Xubran

HAITI

Finding Chika – A little girl, an earthquake and the making of a family by Mitch Alboom

INDIA

The forgotten Daughter by Renita D’Silva

Lion a Long Way Home by Brierley Saroo

KOREA

All You Can Ever Know by Nicole Chung

Jin Woo by Eve Bunting

LATIN AMERICA

The Martin Chronicles: A True Story of Adoption and Love in Mexico

MOROCCO

Casablanca to Casa Nuestra: A Moroccan Adoption (by Clive Jackson)

PHILIPPINES

An Unexpected Gift: An International Adoption Story by Holly Romero

THAILAND

Pineapple Promise: A Thailand Adoption Memoir by Holly Stofa

From Thailand With Love by Marliss Melton and Katy Carey

This activity is for clients adopting internationally

Falling in love with your child also means falling in love with their culture, and understanding the political and economic situation resulting in their relinquishment. Depending on the continent or country you are adopting from please read the following:

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WHAT S YOUR LEARNING PLAN GENERAL ACTIVITIES ACTIVITIES Sign up and attend a prenatal class Attend the Sunrise s Adoption Panel Explore the podcasts on Creating a Family and listen to them on your way home from work Watch the documentaries listed in the resources sections Follow a blog Start collecting materials for a life book Take a courses through the Adoption Learning Partners Read some adoption or parenting books Start making a list of the children s books you will purchase Go to the events hosted by the AFABC Volunteer in a marginalized community for example an elementary school in the Downtown East Side Many schools have reading programs Spend a day at playland observing parenting styles and child behaviour Become a tutor through the Big Brother Big Sisters Club Get involved with your friends and family s children COMPLETED

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Book 1- There Is No Script for P

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