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Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation A Summary of the Bible Study Seminar on Reconciliation From the Series Lifestyles of Reconciliation

Ambassadors of Reconciliation is a non-profit, international ministry founded to equip Christians and their churches for living, proclaiming, and cultivating lifestyles of reconciliation. Learn more about us at www.AoRHope.org. Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Quotations from the Lutheran Confessions in this publication are from The Book of Concord: The Confessions of the Evangelical Lutheran Church, ed. by Theodore G. Tappert, Fortress Press © 1959. © 2016, 2017, 2019 by Ambassadors of Reconciliation. P.O. Box 81662, Billings, MT 59108-1662. 406/698-6107. www.AoRHope.org. All rights reserved. Ver. Sum 12/2025.

1 Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation CONTENTS BE RECONCILED TO GOD What does it mean to be reconciled to God? 1. Remember Whose You Are ...........................................2 2. Repent before God .........................................................5 3. Receive God’s Forgiveness ............................................9 BE RECONCILED TO OTHERS What does it mean to be reconciled to others? 4. Confess to the Other Person ........................................12 5. Forgive as God Forgave You ......................................15 6. Restore with Gentleness ..............................................18

2 1. Remember Whose You Are How does my identity affect reconciliation? See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. 1 John 3:1 Beginning Reflections The Bible teaches that in Christ we are given a new identity. This identity affects how we view ourselves and others, including during our disagreements. But in conflict, we often forget this new identity and instead see ourselves according to more worldly views. • In our society, our identity is often defined by what we do as a profession or the role we play in our families. • We may view ourselves through our accomplishments or by our failures and struggles. • Others identify themselves by their socioeconomic status, their racial or cultural background, their marriage status, or even their sexual orientation. Using societal norms, name some ways you may describe your identity. Accordingly, we tend to place a value on ourselves based on our self-proclaimed identity or by things that others have said about us. Sociologists call this self-esteem. In our western culture, we focus a great deal of attention on building up our self-esteem in order to validate our own worth. The ways in which we identify and value ourselves affect how we respond to conflict. If someone says bad things about us or does something that embarrasses us or otherwise puts us down, we feel devalued. Our self-worth is diminished. And we may become angry or depressed. We may feel worthless. We respond with automatic responses of fighting back, fleeing from the situation, or freezing, unsure of what to do. Thus, our own perspective of identity and self-worth has a direct impact on how we will respond to others in conflict. But God gives us new identity with precious value. Our heavenly Father has called us to be His children, disciples of Jesus, ambassadors for Christ. Accordingly, this new perspective challenges us to live a new life in Him. See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. 1 John 3:1

3 By nature, I am: • A sinful creature. Psalm 51:5; Romans 3:10-12, 23; James 2:10 • An enemy of God. Isaiah 59:2; Romans 5:10 • One who daily struggles with my sinful nature. Job 14:4; 15:14; Romans 7:14-25; Galatians 5:17 • Unclean and worthless, a beggar who has nothing to offer God. Isaiah 64:6; Romans 3:12; 1 Timothy 6:7 • Condemned to be separated from God eternally. Romans 6:23a In Christ, I am: • A new creature through Him. Isaiah 53:5-6; John 3:16; 2 Corinthians 5:16-21 • Baptized into Christ, adopted into God’s family, changed from an enemy to an heir. Romans 6:2-5; Galatians 3:26-4:7; Titus 3:5-7 • A beloved child of God, precious in His eyes. Isaiah 43:4; John 1:12-13; 1 John 3:1 • Cleansed and ransomed by the precious blood of Christ. 1 John 1:7; 1 Peter 1:18-19 • No longer separated from God, I have been brought near by His blood. Ephesians 2:12-13; Romans 8:35-39 How might my identity in Christ affect the way I respond to conflict? • My identity in Christ comforts me through the forgiveness of sins and the gift of the Holy Spirit. My sins have been washed away. Acts 2:38; 22:16 • Christ gives me my identity as a new creation and a child of God. 2 Corinthians 5:17; 1 John 3:1 • Jesus reminds me that I am called to live not for myself but rather for Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 • As a child of God, I am enabled to walk in the newness of life. Romans 6:3-4 • My identity as a child of God teaches me to put off the old self and put on a new self. Ephesians 4:22-24 See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. 1 John 3:1

4 Who needs to be reconciled? • First, I need to be reconciled to God. Psalm 51:3-5; 1 John 1:8-9 • Next, I need to be reconciled to others: o Someone who has something against me. Matthew 5:23-24 o Someone who has sinned against me. Matthew 18:15 • Whether or not I need to be reconciled to someone else, I may need to help another. However, I must use care! Galatians 6:1-2 How should I view others in conflict? People for whom Christ has died! (John 3:16). This includes: • A brother or sister in Christ (a fellow child of God). 1 John 3:1, 23 • Someone who does not yet know Christ. 1 Peter 2:12; 1 Peter 3:14-17 Conflict resolution vs reconciliation We need to distinguish between conflict resolution and reconciliation. Conflict resolution addresses the material or substantive issues of the conflict. We identify problems to be solved and negotiate with the other person to resolve them. Reconciliation restores the relationship by addressing the relational or personal issues of the conflict. These issues are reconciled through confession and forgiveness. • With whom is my most serious conflict in all of life? Isaiah 59:2; Romans 3:10-12 • What are the consequences of being in that conflict? Romans 6:23a • Did God use conflict resolution or reconciliation in addressing my conflict with Him? 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 Both conflict resolution and reconciliation are necessary in virtually all conflicts! Material Issues include money, property, roles, structure, etc. Personal Issues include hurtful words & actions, gossip, denial, avoidance, etc.

5 2. Repent before God How do my conflicts with others affect my relationship with God? The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:17 Beginning Reflections We begin this lesson by reflecting on the Ten Commandments.1 The First Commandment (A) The First and Second Commandments (O) “You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them” (Exodus 20:3-5). • To have no other gods means that we should fear, love, and trust in God above all things. Psalm 96:4; Matthew 22:37; Proverbs 3:5 The Second Commandment (A) The Third Commandment (O) “You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain” (Exodus 20:7). • God forbids us to misuse His name. Instead, He invites us to call upon it in trouble and use His name to pray, praise, and give thanks. Leviticus 24:15b; James 3:9-10; Psalm 50:15 The Third Commandment (A) The Fourth Commandment (O) “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy” (Exodus 20:8). • We keep the Sabbath holy by setting aside time for resting from work and devoting ourselves to God in worship and the study of God’s Word.2 Leviticus 23:3; Acts 2:42, 46; Colossians 3:16; Hebrews 10:24-25 1 The numbering of the Commandments varies among different traditions. The two most familiar to Christians are the Roman Catholic/Lutheran (following the teaching of Augustine and marked in this study as (A)) and the Protestant/Eastern Orthodox/Reformed (following the teaching of Origin and marked in this study as (O)). In Augustine’s order, the First Commandment combines You shall have no other gods and You shall not make for yourself a carved image, and it separates You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife from You shall not covet [other things that are] your neighbor’s (Ninth and Tenth Commandments). In Origin’s order, You shall have no other gods and You shall not make any graven images are separated (First and Second Commandments), and all types of coveting are covered in the Tenth Commandment. Regardless of the numbering used, Christians take seriously these commands of God, repent of their sins before Him, receive His forgiveness through Christ, and strive to keep these commands with His help. Feel free in this study to refer to the numbering that is most familiar to you. 2 Sabbath means rest. In the Old Testament God designated the seventh day (Saturday) for rest and worship. It pointed to Jesus, who is our rest (Matthew 11:28). Since the Messiah has come, we are no longer required to observe a particular day or festival of the Old Testament (Matthew 12:8; Colossians 2:16-17), but we are still required to worship together and study God’s Word.

6 The Fourth Commandment (A) The Fifth Commandment (O) “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). • We keep this Commandment as we honor our parents and all those in authority and as we exercise authority according to God’s will. Ephesians 6:2-3; Romans 13:1-2; Ephesians 6:4 The Fifth Commandment (A) The Sixth Commandment (O) “You shall not murder” (Exodus 20:13). • In this Commandment, God not only forbids us to take our own or another person’s life, even in our hearts, but also calls us to protect our neighbor. 1 John 3:15; Romans 12:20 The Sixth Commandment (A) The Seventh Commandment (O) “You shall not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:14). • God commands that husband and wife remain faithful to one another and that we lead sexually pure lives in what we say and do. Hebrews 13:4; Matthew 5:28; Colossians 3:5 The Seventh Commandment (A) The Eighth Commandment (O) “You shall not steal” (Exodus 20:15). • We should not dishonestly take anything from our neighbor, but help him protect what is rightfully his and give to those in need. Ephesians 4:28; Philippians 2:4 The Eighth Commandment (A) The Ninth Commandment (O) “You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor” (Exodus 20:16). • God forbids us to tell lies to and about others or to spread gossip. Instead He calls us to defend others and speak well of them, putting the best construction on everything. Proverbs 11:13; James 4:11; 1 Corinthians 13:7; Philippians 4:8 The Ninth and Tenth Commandments (A) The Tenth Commandment (O) “You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor’s” (Exodus 20:17).

7 • We should trust God for what we need – not covet, entice, or take away our neighbor’s spouse, workers, or animals. Instead, we ought to encourage them to remain faithful to him and be content with what God has given us. 1 Timothy 6:8-10; Colossians 3:5; James 1:14-15 What does conflict reveal about my heart and its desires? God looks beyond our sinful words and actions in conflict. He looks to our hearts and the desires that drive our behaviors. What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3 Fights and quarrels are caused by “passions that are at war” within us. The desires that battle within us are revealed when we want to be “god” in our own lives. If we don’t get what we want, we often react from our sinful nature. We make our demands known and punish others by attacking or avoiding. How does conflict in my heart relate to idolatry? The First Commandment requires that we fear, love, and trust in God above all things. When we are willing to sin in order to get what we want, we are guilty of idolatry because we are not: • fearing God most of all. • loving Him above everyone or everything else. • trusting He will give us everything we need. This puts us in conflict with anyone (including God!) who fails to meet our expectations. The result? Fights and quarrels. Our hearts are determined to get what we want, when we want it, and the way in which we want it. We slide down the slippery slope of idolatry when we elevate a fear, desire, or trust into a demand. We judge those who will not give us what we want, and we punish them. Left unchecked, idolatry results in destruction or death of the idol and/or the person worshipping it. In other words, idolatry leads to death. (James 1:14-15) [The serpent said,] “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Genesis 3:5 Sins against the First Commandment • Fears • Cravings • Misplaced Trust The Development of an Idol Fear Desire Trust Demand Unmet expectations Frustrations Judge Punish End Result: Destruction or Death

8 What are some examples of the idols of the heart? Sin originates in the heart. Our heart’s desires become idolatrous when we fear, love, or trust someone or something more than God. Consider some of the idols of our hearts that might be revealed in conflict. • Improper desires for physical pleasure Referred to “cravings” or “lusts of the flesh” in the Bible. 1 John 2:15-17; Galatians 5:16-21; Ephesians 4:17-20 • Pride and arrogance Self-proclaimed “gods” judge others who do not meet their demands. These judgments lead to condemning and punishing those who do not serve them. Proverbs 8:13; Proverbs 16:18; Matthew 23:12 • Love of money or material possessions Another example of craving or lust. 1 Timothy 6:10; Hebrews 13:5 • Fear of man Excessive concern about what others think of us, leading to a preoccupation with acceptance, approval, popularity, personal comparisons, self-image, or pleasing others. Proverbs 29:25; Luke 12:4-7 • Good things that I want too much Good desires that we elevate into demands (aka cravings or lusts) Luke 12:22-31; James 4:1-3 How can we flee from the idols of our hearts and turn towards God? The way to flee from our idols and turn towards God is this: Repent! Confess your idolatrous sins to God and believe in His forgiveness for you! Through repentance, we exchange our worship of our false gods for the worship of the true God. Those who repent and seek hope for overcoming temptation receive God’s comfort: Psalm 51:1-12; 1 John 1:9; 2 Corinthians 5:14-15; 1 Peter 2:24 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:17 [Jesus said,] “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.” Matthew 15:19

9 3. Receive God’s Forgiveness How am I reconciled to God? If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 Beginning Reflections When preparing to confess, we often focus on confessing to other people but forget that our sin against others is first and foremost sin against God. Our failure to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39) is not only a sin against our neighbor. It is also a sin against God. God promises mercy for those who repent and seek His forgiveness: “I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,’ and you forgave the iniquity of my sin” (Psalm 32:5). Why is it important to confess our sins to God and hear His forgiveness proclaimed to us? God’s forgiveness brings healing and comfort to the sinner, renewing one’s spirit. It empowers us to resist temptation and live the sanctified life. “He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed” (1 Peter 2:24; see also Psalm 103:1-5; 2 Corinthians 5:14). How can the idolatrous sinner be reconciled to God? Our sinful nature leads us to ignore our sin or try to cover it up. We want to be seen by others as basically good people. So, we deny any wrongdoing. However, God warns against the denial of our sin. Those who claim to be without sin justify themselves. The self-righteous do not need a Savior. When we deny our own sin, we deny our need for Jesus. We act as if our good deeds make us righteous. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:8, emphasis added Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6, emphasis added If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. 1 John 1:10, emphasis added And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us. John 1:14, emphasis added

10 But for those who acknowledge and confess their sin, there is Good News: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). Scripture teaches that we are poor, miserable sinners, unable to do anything on our own to earn favor with God. We come to the throne of God as beggars, with nothing to offer to atone for our sinful nature or sinful behaviors. God has had mercy on us sinners, placing all of our sins upon His Son and giving us the righteousness of Jesus. Christ died for the sins of the whole world, but not all people will be saved. Read John 3:16-18. • Who will be saved from eternal damnation? • Who will not be saved? In repentance, there are two parts to consider. First is contrition, which is godly sorrow for one’s sin against God and others (for example, see Psalm 32:3-4; 51:1-11; Luke 15:21). Second is faith in the forgiveness of sins won by Christ on the cross for us (see Psalm 32:1-2, 5; 51:12; Acts 3:19-20). • How is contrition minimized in our culture? • Describe how the value of God’s grace declines when we minimize sin. • What difference does faith in the forgiveness of sins make for us? Christ’s forgiveness for our sins, including our idolatry, restores us in our relationship with God. We confess our faith when we confess our sins to God and believe in the Good News that for Jesus’ sake we are forgiven. The resultant fruit of repentance is good works. When the tax collector Zacchaeus repented before Jesus, he responded, “Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor. And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold” (Luke 19:8). Knowing that we are forgiven enables us to do the good works that God plans for us to do. Notice how the Apostle Paul describes this: “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:8-10 ESV). The more you minimize sin, the more will grace decline in value. Luther’s Works, Volume 1 (St. Louis: CPH, 1958), 142.

11 Living in forgiveness Sometimes Christians take God’s forgiveness for granted. One might assume that having God’s forgiveness proclaimed is not necessary for those who have been converted. But the temptations of our sinful flesh, the world, and the devil can lead us to doubt our forgiveness. Our doubt is revealed: • when we lose sight of whose we are as children of God, • when we forget what God has done for us in Christ, • when we self-justify in order to make ourselves righteous. According to 2 Peter 1:9, the cause of people not bearing good fruit is forgetting that their sins have been forgiven. Remembering and proclaiming God’s Forgiveness Remembering we are forgiven in Christ is the key to living as the children of God. Christ’s forgiveness heals our hurts and empowers us to die to sin and live to righteousness. When guilt or doubts threaten to take away your joy in Christ’s forgiveness, focus on God’s assurance for you. We remember Christ’s forgiveness as we read and hear God’s promise proclaimed to us from His Word. When we proclaim God’s forgiveness to others, we are simply sharing with them the gift that we have received. From the back page of the pamphlet Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness, read the passages of Scripture aloud, inserting your name. For example: “[Name,] He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds[, Name,] you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24 For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. 2 Peter 1:9

12 4. Confess to the Other Person How does my confession lead to reconciliation? Therefore, confess your sins to one another… that you may be healed. James 5:16 Beginning Reflections What do you confess about your faith? The Apostle Paul writes: “For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved” (Romans 10:10). Beginning with the early history of the Church, Christians have confessed their faith with creeds or statements of faith. The most common creed of the Christian Church throughout centuries is called the Apostles’ Creed, not because it was directly written by the Apostles, but because in it believers confess a summary of the Apostles’ teachings. When we say, “I believe in God, the Father Almighty,” and “in Jesus Christ, His only Son,” and “in the Holy Spirit,” we mean that we trust God and His promises and accept everything He teaches in the Bible. “But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my God’” (Psalm 31:14). “For I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that day what has been entrusted to me” (2 Timothy 1:12). But we not only confess our faith with our mouth. Our thoughts, words, and actions all reflect in whom or what we are trusting, not only for eternal life, but for life’s daily encounters. Thus, when we face challenges in life such as conflict, our reactions reveal our underlying faith and trust for addressing those issues. As people who are at the same time both sinners and saints, we can relate to Paul’s wrestling within his own heart: “For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.… Wretched man that I am!” (Romans 7:19, 24). Nevertheless, Paul also brings comfort to saints who struggle with sin: “Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:25). In our failure to keep His commands, we come to our Lord Jesus Christ for hope and restoration: “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). This lesson helps us think through how our confession of sin to others is a confession of faith in Christ and His forgiveness.

13 How do my sins affect others? When we sin against God, we usually sin against others. These offenses harm our relationships with those we hurt. Our sins also affect others, directly and indirectly. How we treat one another affects our witness to Christ and our faith in the forgiveness of sins. Inadequate words for confession Our society does not recognize biblical confession and forgiveness. As a result, people use other words that are poor substitutes for the real thing. “I apologize” can mean “to express regret” or “to make a defense.” • The Bible does not use the word “apologize” for confession. Proverbs 28:13; 1 John 1:9; James 5:16 “I’m sorry” can mean “to express godly sorrow” (regret for sin), “to express worldly sorrow” (e.g., “I’m sorry I have to suffer”), or “I’m sorry you’re upset!” (blame-shifting). “I’m sorry but . . .” or “I’m sorry if . . .” justifies one’s offense so that another can be blamed • The Bible distinguishes between godly grief and worldly grief. 2 Corinthians 7:10 Who is responsible for taking the first step? Each Christian in conflict is always responsible for taking the first step, including: • The one who becomes aware that someone else has something against him. “[Jesus said,] ‘So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift’” (Matthew 5:23-24). • The one who is offended. “[Jesus said,] ‘If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15). • Every child of God is called to live at peace with everyone. “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans12:18). Therefore, confess your sins to one another, that you may be healed. James 5:16, emphasis added For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. 2 Corinthians 7:10

14 Guidelines for Christian Confession Expressing godly sorrow in confession reflects true contrition – it is a fruit of repentance. However, we are so accustomed to self-justifying that our words often serve to avoid taking responsibility for our sin. Instead, our words seek to blame others or explain away our guilt. Consider the following “Guidelines for Confession”: • Go as a beggar. Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 15:19; Luke 18:13-14; James 5:16 • Own your sin. Numbers 5:5-7; Psalm 32:3-5; Psalm 51:3-4 o “I sinned against God and you when I . . .” o “I was wrong . . .” • Identify your sins according to God’s Word. o Sinful thoughts – Ecclesiastes 2:1-3; Matthew 15:19; Luke 6:45 o Sinful words – Exodus 20:16; Proverbs 11:13; Ephesians 4:29 o Sinful actions – Exodus 20:12-17; Matthew 7:12; Galatians 5:19-21 o Sins of omission, such as failing to love as Christ commands – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 o Note Psalm 51:4 and the prodigal son’s confession to his father in Luke 15:21 • Express sorrow for hurt your sin has caused. Luke 15:21 o “My sin hurt you by…” or “I am sorry for how my actions hurt you when…” o If you are unsure how your behavior was hurtful, ask! (“How have my actions hurt you?”) • Commit to changing your behavior with God’s help. Psalm 51:10-12; Matthew 3:8; Luke 19:8; Romans 6:21-22; Ephesians 4:22-24 o “With God’s help, I will not do this again.” • Be willing to bear the consequences. Numbers 5:5-7; Luke 15:21; Luke 19:8 • Ask for forgiveness. Genesis 50:17; Psalm 32:5; Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 18:13 • Trust in Christ’s forgiveness. Psalm 103:8-13; Colossians 1:13-14; Ephesians 1:7-10 o Regardless if the other person forgives, trust in Christ’s forgiveness. While not every one of the guidelines is necessary for a godly confession, these can help you take full responsibility for your part in a conflict and avoid denying your sin or blame-shifting.

15 5. Forgive as God Forgave You How does forgiving and resolving lead to reconciliation? Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossians 3:12-13 Beginning Reflections We cannot do anything to earn or deserve God’s forgiveness. We come as beggars, with nothing to offer, seeking mercy. Yet, in God’s incredible love for us, He sent His Son to be sin, taking on the punishment we deserve and giving us His righteousness. In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus taught His disciples to ask for God’s forgiveness: “Pray then like this: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil” (Matthew 6:9-13, emphasis added). God instructs us to forgive as He forgave us: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). Those who don’t believe and trust in Christ’s forgiveness cannot forgive as God forgives. But even believers sometimes struggle to forgive as they have been forgiven. In this lesson, we reflect on the relationship between God’s forgiveness to us and our forgiving others. How does God forgive me? • My sins are not excused; God’s justice required blood. Hebrews 9:22; 1 John 1:7 • My sins needed to be punished – Christ paid the full price for my sins. Isaiah 53:5-6; John 19:30 • My forgiveness is not conditional upon my works. Romans 6:23b; Ephesians 2:8-10 • My past sins will not be brought up and used against me. Jeremiah 31:34; 1 Corinthians 6:11 • My sins do not condemn me. John 3:17; Romans 8:1 • My sins have been washed clean – I am covered by Christ’s righteousness. Romans 3:21-22; 2 Corinthians 5:21 False substitutes for forgiving Excusing: That’s okay, No problem, or Don’t worry about it. Punishing: You deserve my judgment and condemnation. Earning: I won’t forgive you until you deserve it or earn it. Recalling: I will never let you forget what you did!

16 What is impossible for man . . . Forgiving others as God has forgiven us is impossible – on our own strength. Yet our God calls us to do to others as He has done for us. He promises to give His children the ability to do what He calls us to do: • God grants us strength through His Holy Spirit so that we may live our lives in faith and so that we may have strength to comprehend the immensity of God’s love. Ephesians 3:14-21 • Because Christ died for us on the cross, we can die to sin and live to righteousness. Through Christ’s wounds, we are healed. 1 Peter 2:24. • With St. Paul we can confess, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 Does forgiveness remove consequences? God’s forgiveness removes the most serious consequence of all – eternal separation from Him! However, the Bible teaches that forgiveness does not necessarily remove the earthly consequences (e.g., Moses in Deuteronomy 32:48-52 and David in 2 Samuel 12:1-14). Nevertheless, our Lord often shows great mercy, withholding the consequences. An example is given in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) in which the father showed great mercy to his repentant son. When should I forgive? Jesus’ disciples struggled with forgiveness. Jesus provided a surprising answer. “Then Peter came up and said to him, ‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times’” (Matthew 18:21-22). We know how many times. But when must I forgive? First remember when God forgives us. • Romans 5:8 • 1 John 1:9 • Matthew 26:26-28 • Acts 22:16 • 1 Peter 2:24 • Genesis 3:15 • Ephesians 1:4 But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

17 If God forgives me at these times, that means that He forgave me before I was born, which is before I knew I was a sinner, before I knew what Jesus did for me, and before I could repent. If Jesus died for the sins of the whole world (John 3:16), and if His forgiveness was accomplished before we were born, then why is not everyone going to heaven? (See John 3:18.) Based on these questions, we can understand the relationship between repentance and forgiveness. The granting of forgiveness is not dependent upon repentance. • God’s forgiveness for us was not conditional on our repentance – He forgave us even while we were dead in our sins. Luke 23:34; Romans 5:6-10; Ephesians 2:1-5 But the receiving of forgiveness is dependent upon repentance and faith. • We receive the benefit of God’s forgiveness as we “repent and believe in Jesus.” John 3:16-18; Acts 3:19-20; Mark 1:15 So, when should I forgive someone who has sinned against me? We are called to forgive others as God through Christ forgave us. That means we have the opportunity to grant forgiveness before the other person repents, even before we talk to him or her. However, the person who has sinned against us will not benefit from that forgiveness unless he repents and believes that the gift is his. How can I resolve the material issues that divide us? In reconciliation, we seek to restore the relationship by addressing the relational or personal issues of the conflict. Relational issues are reconciled through confession and forgiveness. In conflict resolution, we address the material or substantive issues of the conflict. We identify the problems to be solved and negotiate to resolve them. Scripture teaches what to do when we need to resolve material issues. • Commit your plans to the LORD. (Proverbs 16:1-3) • Be reasonable. Don’t be anxious, but pray. (Philippians 4:5-6) • Love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:39) • Look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-5) • Do everything without grumbling or complaining. (Philippians 2:14) • Be wise – seek godly counsel. (Proverbs 12:15) Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

18 6. Restore with Gentleness How does restoring others lead to reconciliation? Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Galatians 6:1 Beginning Reflections When people remain unreconciled within the church, the entire body is affected. When Christians fight, others take notice. For example: • People within the same families can’t get along • Co-workers constantly talking behind each others’ backs • Neighbors regularly complaining about one another • One business owner sues another to enforce a contract • People within the same church avoid one another The corporate witness of the Church is diminished when Christians remain unreconciled. In this lesson, we review God’s direction for restoration and the importance of healing broken relationships within the body of Christ. What does it mean to restore? Helping one who is caught in sin often includes someone with whom we find ourselves in conflict. • The one who is “caught” in a transgression needs to be restored. This includes: o One who sins against you (Matthew 18:15). o Others who may be ensnared by their sin (see Philippians 4:2-3). o Anyone who wanders from the truth (James 5:19-20). • Those called to restore others include: o Those who are spiritual (Galatians 6:1-2). o The one who is sinned against (Matthew 18:15). o Fellow members in the church (see Philippians 4:2-3). o Believers who see one wandering from the truth (James 5:19-20).

19 The kind of restoration needed most by one who is ensnared in sin is forgiveness from God, which cleanses us from our unrighteousness. This healing restores our relationship with God and opens the door for restoring our relationship with others (Psalm 32:1-5; 2 Peter 1:9; 1 John 1:8-9). Applying Matthew 18 In his commentary on Matthew 18, Jeffrey Gibbs notes, “Jesus is teaching about an extreme form of caring, of compassion, of concern for a fellow disciple in a situation of terrible need.”3 Looking at the entire chapter of Matthew 18, Christ stresses the importance of restoring those whose sins are causing them to wander away from God. Jesus teaches how to address stubborn unrepentance in Matthew 18: • Verse 15: Go in private. • Verse 16: Take one or two others along with you. • Verse 17: Tell it to the church. • Verse 18: Treat him as a Gentile and a tax collector. Matthew 18:15-20 is sometimes misapplied, as in the following false assertions: • This is a quick three-step process, after which the person should be kicked out of the church. • Going one-on-one means a single attempt to let the other person know what he has done wrong (such as sending an email or letter, making a phone call, or even an in-your-face confrontation). • Others to bring along as witnesses mean those who agree with you and/or who have authority over the other person and can pressure him to do what you want. • “Tell it to the church” means broadcasting your accusations, including utilizing verbal gossip and social media. • Those who are treated as unbelievers should be shunned. Whatever happens, we are called to be faithful to God and His Word. • Our ultimate responsibility? Live peaceably with all, so far as it depends on us. • What is NOT our responsibility? Changing other people’s hearts. 3 Gibbs, Jeffrey A. Concordia Commentary: Matthew 11:2-20:34. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2010. 916. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Romans 12:18

20 What if the other person is not a Christian? The Bible’s instruction for dealing with someone in conflict applies to both Christians and non-believers. You first go in private to confess your sins, forgive as you have been forgiven, and restore with gentleness. If necessary, you then bring one or two others along, all with the idea of restoring gently. However, the direction to “tell it to the church” does not apply since a non-believer is not accountable to the church. How does restoring others relate to reconciliation? Reconciliation requires confession and forgiveness. Between two people, that usually means mutual confession and forgiveness. • We can begin the process of reconciliation by confessing our own sins, seeking forgiveness. • The other person may forgive us as God has forgiven him. • We seek to restore with gentleness by helping another see how he has sinned. When the other person repents, we can proclaim God’s forgiveness, assuring him of his reconciliation to God. • We can also restore the other person as God has forgiven us. Reconciliation occurs when confession and forgiveness are shared and the relationship is healed.