Coaching Manual : simplebooklet.com

Ambassadors of Reconciliation is a non-profit, international ministry. We equip Christians and their churches for living, proclaiming, and cultivating lifestyles of reconciliation. Our approach is based upon the Holy Scriptures. Learn more about us at www.aorhope.org. This Coaching Practicum Manual, together with the live teaching and presentation of the material, is copyrighted by Ambassadors of Reconciliation (AoR). Information on using copyrighted material is available at https://www.aorhope.org/copyrighted-material. Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. This publication is designed to provide general information on biblical conflict resolution. It is not intended to provide legal or other professional advice. If legal counsel or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought. © 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2024 by Ambassadors of Reconciliation. All rights reserved. Ver 11/2024

Page 3

3 Contents Introduction ............................................................................................................. 4 1. Personal Peacemaking ..................................................................................... 6 2. The Role of the Coach .................................................................................... 20 3. Check Mindset ................................................................................................ 24 4. Be Reconciled to God – Part 1: Apply Scripture ......................................... 33 5. Be Reconciled to God – Part 2: Uncover Idols and Guide Repentance .... 41 6. Be Reconciled to God – Part 3: Proclaim God’s Forgiveness .................... 51 7. Be Reconciled to Others ................................................................................. 58 8. Coaching through Homework ....................................................................... 68 9. Sample Homework Assignments ................................................................... 70 10. Seeking Additional Expertise ........................................................................ 93 11. Case Studies .................................................................................................... 94 Case #1………………………………………………………………………… 100 Case #2…………………………………………………………………………..102 Case #3…………………………………………………………………………..110 12. Bibliography .................................................................................................. 120 13. Additional Resources .................................................................................... 128 Notes ...................................................................................................................... 132

Page 4

4 Introduction Who Can Use These Principles? Anyone who gives advice. At times, everyone is asked for advice, especially when it comes to dealing with conflict. This course equips the Christian to coach a friend or family member to respond to conflict in a biblically faithful manner. So, every Christian can benefit from this training! Those who serve in leadership roles carry special responsibilities for giving advice. Accordingly, this training is especially useful to: • Pastors, elders, counselors, teachers, and other church leaders. • Professors, educators, and other instructors who equip Christian leaders through colleges, universities, seminaries, and other institutions of higher education. • Attorneys who would like to help their clients and churches use alternatives to civil litigation. • Individuals who serve as informal peacemakers within their families, congregations, and communities. • Parents and children as they grow together in their relationship with God and each other. • People who serve as part of a formal reconciliation ministry in their church, school or other organization.

Page 5

5 Ground Rules • Be a Berean Just as the Bereans did, test against the Scriptures all of the principles presented to you (see Acts 17:11). • Maintain Confidences To maximize your learning experience, we encourage you to be self-reflective and transparent with each other. In order to foster an environment where people can be honest about themselves, please respect the confidentiality of your fellow participants. o Keep confidential what you are told by another participant unless you have the consent of that person to divulge it to someone else (including your instructor). o During discussions, you may have occasion to mention situations involving third persons who may be known to others in this room. Use care in how you refer to others in your organization. Change some facts to disguise any such references and protect confidences. • Participate in Special Exercises This training utilizes special exercises and role-plays to facilitate greater learning. These exercises are essential to the training process and will greatly improve your conciliation skills. If a particular role presents difficulties for you, please ask your instructor for guidance or re-assignment to a different role. • Ask Questions Your active interaction with the instructors and other participants is an integral part of our learning together. We love questions! However, in the interest of time and in order to facilitate group dynamics, the instructors may delay answering some questions until break times. • Note Your Aha’s Please take the time to note your “Aha’s.” You will learn a great deal of information and may have some key insights into your present calling or situation. Make note of your insights so that you may easily refer back to them when you have a special need. • Silence Electronic Devices Electronic communications technology can be distracting to others. Please be respectful of your fellow classmates and the instructors. Please keep your electronic devices on “silent” mode. If you must respond to an emergency call, please answer it outside the classroom.

Page 6

Page 7

7 Be Reconciled to God What does it mean to be reconciled to God? In Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 2 Corinthians 5:19-20 Remember Whose You Are (1 John 3:1) How does my identity affect reconciliation? Repent before God (Psalm 51:17) How do my conflicts with others affect my relationship with God? Receive God’s Forgiveness (1 John 1:9) How am I reconciled to God? Be Reconciled to Others What does it mean to be reconciled to others? [Jesus said,] “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24 Confess to the Other Person (James 5:16) How does my confession lead to reconciliation? Forgive as God Forgave You (Colossians 3:12-13) How does forgiving and resolving lead to reconciliation? Restore with Gentleness (Galatians 6:1) How does restoring others lead to reconciliation?

Page 8

8 Remember Whose You Are How does my identity affect reconciliation? By nature, I am: • A sinful creature. Psalm 51:5; Romans 3:10-12, 23; James 2:10 • An enemy of God. Isaiah 59:2; Romans 5:10 • One who daily struggles with my sinful nature. Job 14:4; 15:14; Romans 7:14-25; Galatians 5:17 • Unclean and worthless, a beggar who has nothing to offer God. Isaiah 64:6; Romans 3:12; 1 Timothy 6:7 • Condemned to be separated from God eternally. Romans 6:23a In Christ, I am: • No longer separated from God, I have been brought near by His blood. Ephesians 2:12-13; Romans 8:35-39 • A new creature through Him. Isaiah 53:5-6; John 3:16; 2 Corinthians 5:16-21 • Changed from an enemy to an heir. Romans 6:2-5; Galatians 3:26-4:7; Titus 3:5-7 • A beloved child of God, precious in His eyes. Isaiah 43:4; John 1:12-13; 1 John 3:1 • Cleansed and ransomed by the precious blood of Christ. 1 John 1:7; 1 Peter 1:18-19 How might my identity in Christ affect the way I respond to conflict? • It comforts me through the forgiveness of sins and the gift of the Holy Spirit. My sins have been washed away. Acts 2:38; 22:16 • It changes my identity to a new creation and a child of God. 2 Corinthians 5:17; 1 John 3:1 • It reminds me that I am called to live not for myself but rather for Christ. 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 • Having been baptized into Christ, I can walk in the newness of life. Romans 6:3-4 • It teaches me to put off the old self and put on a new self. Ephesians 4:22-24 We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. Isaiah 64:6 See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. 1 John 3:1

Page 9

9 Who needs to be reconciled? • First, I need to be reconciled to God. Psalm 51:3-5; 1 John 1:8-9 • Next, I need to be reconciled to others: o Someone who has something against me. Matthew 5:23-24 o Someone who has sinned against me. Matthew 18:15 • Whether or not I need to be reconciled to someone else, I may need to help another. However, I must use care! Galatians 6:1-2 How should I view others in conflict? People for whom Christ has died! (John 3:16). This includes: • A brother or sister in Christ (a fellow child of God). 1 John 3:1, 23 • Someone who does not yet know Christ. 1 Peter 2:12; 1 Peter 3:14-17 Conflict resolution vs reconciliation The coach needs to help the party distinguish between conflict resolution and reconciliation. Conflict resolution addresses the material or substantive issues of the conflict. We identify problems to be solved and negotiate with the other person to resolve them. Reconciliation restores the relationship by addressing the relational or personal issues of the conflict. These issues are reconciled through confession and forgiveness. • With whom is my most serious conflict in all of life? Isaiah 59:2; Romans 3:10-12 • What are the consequences of being in that conflict? Romans 6:23a • Did God use conflict resolution or reconciliation in addressing my conflict with Him? 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 Both conflict resolution and reconciliation are necessary in virtually all conflicts! Material Issues include money, property, roles, structure, etc. Personal Issues include hurtful words & actions, gossip, denial, avoidance, etc.

Page 10

10 Repent before God How do my conflicts with others affect my relationship with God? What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3 What does conflict reveal about my heart? Our quarrels and fights reveal our hidden desires, which become evident when we act on those desires and sin against God or others. Rather than responding to disagreements as children of God, we may react from our sinful nature by attacking or fleeing. When we don’t get what we want, we make our demands known and punish others. How does conflict in my heart relate to idolatry? The First Commandment requires, “You shall have no other gods.” Scripture explains that this means that we should fear, love, and trust in God above all things. For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised; he is to be feared above all gods. (Psalm 96:4) [Jesus said,] “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” (Matthew 22:37) Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5) Any time we fear, love, or trust someone or something else more than God, we sin against the First Commandment. We are guilty of a form of idolatry, putting someone or something above God. When we are willing to sin in order to get what we want, we are not fearing God most of all. We are not loving Him above everyone or everything else. We are not trusting that He will give us everything we need. We turn our desires into demands – demanding what we want from others and even from God. This puts us in conflict with anyone (including God!) whom we believe is putting up a roadblock to our desires. The result? Fights and quarrels (James 4:1-3). Our heart is determined to get what we want, when we want it, and the way in which we want it. Sinful behaviors exhibited in conflict reveal our struggle to serve ourselves and the secret desires of our hearts. We want to be the god of our own heart’s desires, and we expect others to give in to our demands. In other words, we are guilty of idolatry! Sins against the First Commandment • Fears • Cravings • Misplaced Trust

Page 11

11 What are some examples of the idols of the heart? Sin originates in the heart. Our heart’s desires become idolatrous when we fear, love, or trust someone or something more than God. Consider some of the idols of our hearts that might be revealed in conflict. • Improper desires for physical pleasure Referred to “cravings” or “lusts of the flesh” in the Bible. 1 John 2:15-17; Galatians 5:16-21; Ephesians 4:17-20 • Pride and arrogance Self-proclaimed “gods” judge others who do not meet their demands. These judgments lead to condemning and punishing those who do not serve them. Proverbs 8:13; Proverbs 16:18; Matthew 23:12 • Love of money or material possessions Another example of craving or lust. 1 Timothy 6:10; Hebrews 13:5 • Fear of man Excessive concern about what others think of us, leading to a preoccupation with acceptance, approval, popularity, personal comparisons, self-image, or pleasing others. Proverbs 29:25; Luke 12:4-7 • Good things that I want too much Good desires that we elevate into demands (aka cravings or lusts) Luke 12:22-31; James 4:1-3 How can we flee from the idols of our hearts and turn towards God? The way to flee from our idols and turn towards God is this: Repent! Confess your idolatrous sins to God and believe in His forgiveness for you! Through repentance, we exchange our worship of our false gods for the worship of the true God. Those who repent and seek hope for overcoming temptation receive God’s comfort: Psalm 51:1-12; 1 John 1:9; 2 Corinthians 5:14-15; 1 Peter 2:24

Page 12

12 Receive God’s Forgiveness How am I reconciled to God? If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 Daily confession As believers in Christ, we are called to live a new life, putting off our old Adam ways and living for Christ: But that is not the way you learned Christ!—assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:20-24) Daily contrition is necessary for the child of God because we sin daily. Accordingly, we need the assurance of God’s love and forgiveness each day so that we can live our new life in Christ. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. (1 John 1:8-10) Our confession of sin reflects our faith in Jesus. Those who believe and trust in Christ acknowledge the need for forgiveness through confession of sin. Thus, we profess our faith in the forgiveness we have through Christ. Living in forgiveness We are forgiven! But the temptations of our sinful flesh, the world, and the devil can lead us to doubt this truth. Our doubt is revealed: • when we lose sight of whose we, • when we forget what God has done for us in Christ, • when we self-justify in order to make ourselves righteous. According to 2 Peter 1:9, the cause of people not bearing good fruit is forgetting that their sins have been forgiven. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. 2 Peter 1:9

Page 13

13 Remembering and proclaiming God’s Forgiveness Remembering that we are forgiven in Christ is the key to living as the children of God. Christ’s forgiveness heals our hurts and empowers us to die to sin and live to righteousness. When guilt or doubts threaten to take away your joy in Christ’s forgiveness, focus on God’s assurance for you. We remember Christ’s forgiveness as we read and hear God’s promise proclaimed to us from His Word. When we proclaim God’s forgiveness to others, we are simply sharing with them the gift that we have received. From the back page of the pamphlet Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness, read the passages of Scripture aloud, inserting your name. For example: “[Name,] He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds[, Name,] you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24

Page 14

14 Confess to the Other Person How does my confession lead to reconciliation? Therefore, confess your sins to one another, that you may be healed. James 5:16 How do my sins affect others? When we sin against God, we usually sin against others. These offenses harm our relationships with those we hurt. Our sins also affect others, directly and indirectly. How we treat one another affects our witness to Christ and our faith in the forgiveness of sins. Inadequate words for confession Our society does not recognize biblical confession and forgiveness. As a result, people use other words that are poor substitutes for the real thing. “I apologize” can mean “to express regret” or “to make a defense.” • The Bible does not use the word “apologize” for confession. Proverbs 28:13; 1 John 1:9; James 5:16 “I’m sorry” can mean “to express godly sorrow” (regret for sin), “to express worldly sorrow” (e.g., “I’m sorry I have to suffer”), or “I’m sorry you’re upset!” (blame-shifting). “I’m sorry but . . .” or “I’m sorry if . . .” justifies one’s offense so that another can be blamed • The Bible distinguishes between godly grief (sorrow) and worldly grief (sorrow). 2 Corinthians 7:10 Who is responsible for taking the first step? Each Christian in conflict is always responsible for taking the first step, including: • The one who becomes aware that someone else has something against him. Matthew 5:23-24 • The one who is offended. Matthew 18:15 • Every child of God is called to live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18 Therefore, confess your sins to one another, that you may be healed. James 5:16, emphasis added

Page 15

15 Guidelines for Christian Confession Expressing godly sorrow in confession reflects true contrition – it is a fruit of repentance. However, we are so accustomed to self-justifying that our words often serve to avoid taking responsibility for our sin. Instead, our words seek to blame others or explain away our guilt. Consider the following “Guidelines for Confession”: • Go as a beggar. Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 15:19; Luke 18:13-14; James 5:16 • Own your sin. Numbers 5:5-7; Psalm 32:3-5; Psalm 51:3-4 o “I sinned against God and you when I . . .” o “I was wrong . . .” • Identify your sins according to God’s Word. o Sinful thoughts – Ecclesiastes 2:1-3; Matthew 15:19; Luke 6:45 o Sinful words – Exodus 20:16; Proverbs 11:13; Ephesians 4:29 o Sinful actions – Exodus 20:12-17; Matthew 7:12; Galatians 5:19-21 o Sins of omission, such as failing to love as Christ commands – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 o Note Psalm 51:4 and the prodigal son’s confession to his father in Luke 15:21 • Express sorrow for hurt your sin has caused. Luke 15:21 o “My sin hurt you by…” or “I am sorry for how my actions hurt you when…” o If you are unsure how your behavior was hurtful, ask! (“How have my actions hurt you?”) • Commit to changing your behavior with God’s help. Psalm 51:10-12; Matthew 3:8; Luke 19:8; Romans 6:21-22; Ephesians 4:22-24 o “With God’s help, I will not do this again.” • Be willing to bear the consequences. Numbers 5:5-7; Luke 15:21; Luke 19:8 • Ask for forgiveness. Genesis 50:17; Psalm 32:5; Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 18:13 • Trust in Christ’s forgiveness. Psalm 103:8-13; Colossians 1:13-14; Ephesians 1:7-10 o Regardless if the other person forgives, trust in Christ’s forgiveness. While not every one of the guidelines is necessary for a godly confession, these can help you take full responsibility for your part in a conflict and avoid denying your sin or blame-shifting.

Page 16

16 Forgive as God Forgave You How does forgiving and resolving lead to reconciliation? Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossians 3:12-13 How does God forgive me? • My sins are not excused; God’s justice required blood. Hebrews 9:22; 1 John 1:7 • My sins needed to be punished – Christ paid the full price for my sins. Isaiah 53:5-6; John 19:30 • My forgiveness is not conditional upon my works. Romans 6:23b; Ephesians 2:8-10 • My past sins will not be brought up and used against me. Jeremiah 31:34; 1 Corinthians 6:11 • My sins do not condemn me. John 3:17; Romans 8:1 • My sins have been washed clean – I am covered by Christ’s righteousness. Romans 3:21-22; 2 Corinthians 5:21 What is impossible for man . . . Forgiving others as God has forgiven us is impossible – on our own strength. Yet our God calls us to do to others as He has done for us. He promises to give His children the ability to do what He calls us to do: • God grants us strength through His Holy Spirit so that we may live our lives in faith and so that we may have strength to comprehend the immensity of God’s love. Ephesians 3:14-21 • Because Christ died for us on the cross, we can die to sin and live to righteousness. Through Christ’s wounds, we are healed. 1 Peter 2:24. • With St. Paul we can confess, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 False substitutes for forgiving Excusing: That’s okay, No problem, or Don’t worry about it. Punishing: You deserve my judgment and condemnation. Earning: I won’t forgive you until you deserve it or earn it. Recalling: I will never let you forget what you did!

Page 17

17 Does forgiveness remove consequences? God’s forgiveness removes the most serious consequence of all – eternal separation from Him! However, the Bible teaches that forgiveness does not necessarily remove the earthly consequences. Nevertheless, our Lord often shows great mercy, withholding the consequences. An example is given in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) in which the father showed great mercy to his repentant son. When should I forgive? The granting of forgiveness is not dependent upon repentance. • God’s forgiveness for us was not conditional on our repentance – He forgave us even while we were dead in our sins. Luke 23:34; Romans 5:6-10; Ephesians 2:1-5 But the receiving of forgiveness is dependent upon repentance and faith. • We receive the benefit of God’s forgiveness as we “repent and believe in Jesus.” John 3:16-18; Acts 3:19-20; Mark 1:15 So, when should I forgive someone who has sinned against me? We are called to forgive others as God through Christ forgave us. That means we have the opportunity to grant forgiveness before the other person repents, even before we talk to him or her. However, the person who has sinned against us will not benefit from that forgiveness unless he repents and believes that the gift is his. How can I resolve the material issues that divide us? In reconciliation, we seek to restore the relationship by addressing the relational or personal issues of the conflict. Relational issues are reconciled through confession and forgiveness. In conflict resolution, we address the material or substantive issues of the conflict. We identify the problems to be solved and negotiate to resolve them. Scripture teaches what to do when we need to resolve material issues. • Commit your plans to the LORD. (Proverbs 16:1-3) • Be reasonable. Don’t be anxious, but pray. (Philippians 4:5-6) • Love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:39) • Look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-5) • Do everything without grumbling or complaining. (Philippians 2:14) • Be wise – seek godly counsel. (Proverbs 12:15) But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

Page 18

18 Restore with Gentleness How does restoring others lead to reconciliation? Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1-2 What does it mean to restore? Helping one who is caught in sin often includes someone with whom we find ourselves in conflict. • The one who is “caught” in a transgression needs to be restored. This includes: o One who sins against you (Matthew 18:15). o Others who may be ensnared by their sin (see Philippians 4:2-3). o Anyone who wanders from the truth (James 5:19-20). • Those called to restore others include: o Those who are spiritual (Galatians 6:1-2). o The one who is sinned against (Matthew 18:15). o Fellow members in the church (see Philippians 4:2-3). o Believers who see one wandering from the truth (James 5:19-20). The kind of restoration needed most by one who is ensnared in sin is forgiveness from God, which cleanses us from our unrighteousness. This healing restores our relationship with God and opens the door for restoring our relationship with others (Psalm 32:1-5; 2 Peter 1:9; 1 John 1:8-9). Applying Matthew 18 In his commentary on Matthew 18, Jeffrey Gibbs notes, “Jesus is teaching about an extreme form of caring, of compassion, of concern for a fellow disciple in a situation of terrible need.”1 Looking at the entire chapter of Matthew 18, Christ stresses the importance of restoring those whose sins are causing them to wander away from God. Jesus teaches how to address stubborn unrepentance in Matthew 18: • Verse 15: Go in private. • Verse 16: Take one or two others along with you. • Verse 17: Tell it to the church. • Verse 18: Treat him as a Gentile and a tax collector. 1 Gibbs, Jeffrey A. Concordia Commentary: Matthew 11:2-20:34. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2010. 916.

Page 19

19 Matthew 18:15-20 is sometimes misapplied, as in the following false assertions: • This is a quick three-step process, after which the person should be kicked out of the church. • Going one-on-one means a single attempt to let the other person know what he has done wrong (such as sending an email or letter, making a phone call, or even an in-your-face confrontation). • Others to bring along as witnesses mean those who agree with you and/or who have authority over the other person and can pressure him to do what you want. • “Tell it to the church” means broadcasting your accusations, including utilizing verbal gossip and social media. • Those who are treated as unbelievers should be shunned. Whatever happens, we are called to be faithful to God and His Word. • Our ultimate responsibility? Live peaceably with all, so far as it depends on us. • What is NOT our responsibility? Changing other people’s hearts. What if the other person is not a Christian? The Bible’s instruction for dealing with someone in conflict applies to both Christians and non-believers. You first go in private to confess your sins, forgive as you have been forgiven, and restore with gentleness. If necessary, you then bring one or two others along, all with the idea of restoring gently. However, the direction to “tell it to the church” does not apply since a non-believer is not accountable to the church. How does restoring others relate to reconciliation? Reconciliation requires confession and forgiveness. Between two people, that usually means mutual confession and forgiveness. • We can begin the process of reconciliation by confessing our own sins, seeking forgiveness. • The other person may forgive us as God has forgiven him. • We seek to restore with gentleness by helping another see how he has sinned. When the other person repents, we can proclaim God’s forgiveness, assuring him of his reconciliation to God. • We can also restore the other person as God has forgiven us. Reconciliation occurs when confession and forgiveness are shared and the relationship is healed. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Romans 12:18

Page 20

20 2. The Role of the Coach And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will. 2 Timothy 2:24-26 The reconciler as coach Those who assist others in reconciling can serve four different roles: • Teach biblical peacemaking. • Coach one party at a time. • Mediate two or more parties together. • Adjudicate a decision after hearing both parties at the same meeting. Of the four roles a reconciler can serve, the most used role is that of a coach. • Coaching a person in conflict means preparing one person in a dispute to go to the other person in order to reconcile relationships and resolve differences in private. • Many disputes can be more effectively reconciled and resolved with coaching one or more of the parties to work out their own reconciliation. The sooner a dispute can be resolved in a process, the more likely it will result in personal reconciliation and a God-pleasing solution. Why use the term “Coach?” We utilize the term “coach” rather than “counselor” to differentiate what a reconciler does from those who provide psychological, therapeutic, or psychiatric treatment. It also helps the reconciler distinguish between the role of the Lord’s servant and God’s role (2 Timothy 2:24-26). In sports, the coach doesn’t run the plays – the team members play the game. The coach’s role is important. The coach instructs through teaching and leading practice sessions. She provides encouragement and support. During and following games, the coach follows up with observations and guidance. Similarly, in assisting someone to reconcile, the coach doesn’t do the reconciling – the person she coaches takes steps to reconcile. Like a sports coach, she instructs through teaching and leading practice sessions. She encourages and supports the party in conflict. The coach follows up with observations and guidance for next steps.

Page 21

21 The goal of the coach Applying God’s Word, the coach guides the person to embrace a Christ-centered perspective so that he may discover for himself how to: • Be reconciled to God: o Remember whose we are o Repent before God o Receive God’s forgiveness • Be reconciled to others: o To confess to the other person o To forgive as God forgave him/her o To restore with gentleness The importance of passport Throughout the conciliation process, it is important that as the coach you develop “passport” with the person you are assisting. Passport is achieved as you build trust with the individual. You will experience evidence of passport when the person can answer yes to: • Can I trust you? • Do you care about me? • Can you really help me? Developing passport is not an event, but is a continuous process. Once you have had passport and lose it, it will be more difficult to gain that person’s confidence back. Properly earned, passport will provide you with the opportunities to encourage, confront, exhort, and direct the parties with biblical counseling. Trust is constantly earned or used up throughout the coaching process. • Trust is earned in the way you demonstrate love, care, and respect for that person. Trust is also earned in the careful way you ask questions. • Trust is properly used up when you confront sin or present difficult questions. • Trust may be improperly lost. For example, before you have earned sufficient passport, asking the right question in the wrong way or too early may reduce, or even end, your effectiveness with that person. • Ultimately, your goal is teach the person to place more trust in God than in anyone or anything else, including you as coach, the other person, or the eventual outcome.

Page 22

22 Making yourself approachable Earning a party’s trust begins with approachability. Two of the most effective ways to be viewed by others as approachable: • Be known as someone who admits your own faults, that is, one who confesses his own sins. People will: o Believe that you are not judgmental. o Not fear that you will be defensive. o Trust you enough to be honest about their own failings. • Be known as someone who forgives freely. People will: o Be less fearful of being condemned by you. o Be confident that you understand how to show mercy. o Expect to find in you safety, compassion, and hope. In other words, to make yourself approachable you need to develop a reputation for living, proclaiming, and cultivating a lifestyle of reconciliation. Leading to discovery The most effective way to coach people through conflict is through discovery. Rather than simply diagnosing and telling the party what is wrong and what needs to be done, the coach helps the individual discover for himself how he has contributed to the problem and what he can do biblically to begin reconciliation. The person who discovers for himself will more likely appreciate a God-pleasing perspective and be moved by His Spirit for living, proclaiming, and cultivating a lifestyle of reconciliation. • Using active listening skills and effective homework assignments, the coach helps the party to replace a world-view understanding of the situation with a Christ-centered perspective. • Using Scripture and other resources, the coach helps the party examine himself according to God’s Word in order to encourage repentance and reconciliation to God. • Using Scripture and other resources, the coach prepares the party to put his faith into practice by going to the other person for confessing sin, forgiving as God forgave him, and restoring with gentleness. What makes a person difficult to approach? What makes a person approachable?

Page 23

23 Conflict coaching process The conflict coaching process can be summarized in three areas. Assist the person to Check Mindset 2 Corinthians 5:16-17; Philippians 2:1-5 • Draw out a person’s story through active listening. • Note emotional responses and repeating themes and patterns that give insight to a person’s heart. • Using what you learn, lead the person to embrace a Christ-centered perspective about himself, the other person, and the situation. Guide the person to Be Reconciled to God Romans 5:8-11; 2 Corinthians 5:20b • Apply Scripture. • Uncover idols and guide the person to repent before God. • Proclaim God’s forgiveness to comfort and encourage, and to empower him to live out his reconciliation with others. Prepare the person to Be Reconciled to Others Matthew 5:23-24; James 5:16 • Prepare the person to “go and be reconciled” to the other person. • Guide the person to confess, to forgive, or to restore the other person. • Pray with and encourage the person for reconciliation. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus. Philippians 2:5 We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 2 Corinthians 5:20b Leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother. Matthew 5:23-24 Coaching is not a linear process (e.g., step 1, step 2, etc.). Rather, the coach moves back and forth among the three areas as needed to best serve the interests of the person being coached. Be Reconciledto Others• Prepare to go• Confess, forgive, or restore• Pray & encourageCheck Mindset• Draw out the story• Note emotions & repeating patterns• Lead to Christ- centered perspectiveBe Reconciledto God• Apply Scripture• Uncover idols & guide repentance• Proclaim God’s forgiveness

Page 24

Page 25

25 Perspective is key In the unfolding of the story, you are listening not only for factual information, but also how the person is interpreting events. As the person speaks, the coach draws out the story through questions. The coach is carefully listening for clues that reveal his heart. Through listening and asking questions, the coach begins to help the individual to assess his heart: • How do I see myself in this conflict? • How do I view the other person in this conflict? • How do I understand the situation in this conflict? Ultimately, the coach wants to help the person to embrace a Christ-centered perspective: • How do I view God’s role in this conflict? o What does God teach in His Word regarding my thoughts, words, and actions? o What has God done for me through Christ? o What does He promise for me in this conflict? • What difference does that make in how I view myself? • What difference does that make in how I view the other person? • What difference does that make in how I understand the situation? Drawing out the story The coaching process begins through story listening. The coach cannot begin to help another person until the coach has heard that person’s story and understands his interpretation of it. This requires asking questions about more than just factual data. As you meet with a party, you want to discern information that will reveal his heart and perspective – on himself, on the other person, and on the situation. You will also listen for clues: • On how the person contributed to the problem, • Of what sins he may need to repent, and • What options may be available for him to proceed. Perspective is key. Detective Joe Friday’s “Just the facts, ma’am, just the facts” is not enough! The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out. Proverbs 20:5

Page 26

26 As you listen to a person’s story, remember the following: What is story telling? From the party’s point of view, story telling is: • An attempt to influence another’s view (especially the coach). • An expression of the heart (revealing attitudes, assumptions, and values, which likely includes underlying idols). • An opportunity to be heard, understood, and loved (seeking compassion and affirmation). Why does the coach draw out a story? The coach uses questions to draw out the party’s story: • To build passport with the person (demonstrating care and interest). • To gather information that will help the coach learn more about the person’s perspective (helps fill in the gaps and avoids assumptions) and prepare the party to develop a Christ-centered perspective. • To help the person identify his heart issues so that he can repent, receive God’s forgiveness, and be prepared to reconcile with the other party. What is the coach listening for? To better discern a person’s perspective and interpretation of the conflict, the coach listens to how the party answers these questions: • What does the person say is the problem? • What is he doing in response to the problem? • What underlying factors are contributing to the problem? • What are the beliefs and values that contribute to the problem? Two kinds of questions The coach asks two basic kinds of questions. Both are necessary in listening. • Water skiing: allows you to gather a great deal of basic information which helps build the overall picture and may provide insight into areas where you need more information.

Page 27

27 • Scuba diving: allows you to dig deeper into areas where you may learn more about heart issues and attitudes. Observation is important Gathering information is more than listening to words. Observation is key, because communication is widely understood to be: • 80% non-verbal. • 20% verbal. As you listen, you will automatically begin to assess what you are learning. However, you may be wrong, so test your conclusions. Listening Skills The other person will not likely hear anything you have to say until he or she feels that you have listened to him or her. Listening is not a passive activity. Remember basic skills in active listening: • Waiting – Be patient. Wait until the other person finishes speaking before responding. Don’t plan your response until he is finished speaking. • Attending – Maintain eye contact and other body language that communicates your genuine interest. Nod occasionally or respond with short phrases that indicate you are paying attention (e.g., I see, uh-huh, I understand, etc.). • Clarifying – Ask questions to test your understanding (e.g., When you said _______, did you mean ______?). • Reflecting – Repeat short portions back to the person. This communicates that you are listening closely and allows for the other person to restate things if needed. It also helps the other person hear back what he has said, which may help him rethink him responses to the situation. • Agreeing – Look for opportunities to agree. When you agree with some portions, the other person believes that you are open-minded and really listening. He will much more likely hear what you have to say if he believes you are balanced in your assessment. Test your conclusions . . . Don’t commit assumicide!

Page 28

28 Note emotions and repeating patterns As the coach draws out the story, she notes key issues to explore that will help the party to better understand his own world-view so that it can be contrasted with a biblical perspective. Emotional responses When a party expresses emotional responses, the coach can provide care while exploring the underlying cause of the response. • Observe what issues bring out emotional responses. • Seek to understand the reasons those issues are so important. o Asking about that will help the party understand something deeper about his own heart that he may not have appreciated. o Exploring emotional responses may provide deeper insights in past experiences or other contributing factors that have helped shape this person’s perspective. Repeating themes As the person tells his story, look for repeating themes or patterns that reflect the person’s attitudes and affect his behaviors. The patterns may occur in different ways. • Repeating themes. o Phrases or descriptions. o References to specific fears, intense desires (wants, cravings), or trust. o References to past relationships or events. • Repeating patterns of thinking or behavior. o How the person interprets words or actions of others. o How the person reacts to similar events. o How the person responds to similar situations. As you observe these patterns, use questions to help the party recognize them and better understand what has been defining his perspective. Then ask questions to explore deeper insights and encourage reflective thinking. Exercise in recognizing repeating themes and patterns As Kaitlyn2 tells her story to the coach, she shares the following: 2 Drawn from the Case Study on pages 74-75 from Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? © 2016, Ambassadors of Reconciliation and Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation, © 2017, Ambassadors of Reconciliation.

Page 29

29 Kaitlyn: Nicole acts like she’s so special just because she has a husband. Just because she’s married, she thinks that everyone needs a boyfriend or husband. When we were in college together, Nicole had dates just about every week. I didn’t need a guy to feel loved or accepted. But not Nicole! She’d flirt with any man just so she wouldn’t be alone on a weekend. But it’s not good enough for Nicole to have to be with a guy. She thinks every woman needs a man to be complete. She’s was always playing match-maker with Amber and me. Even when we were playing volleyball at college, that’s all Nicole could think about – getting Amber and me hooked up with some guys. Like she didn’t think I could get a boyfriend on my own. Or like I even wanted one! I’m perfectly fine as I am. Coach: It sounds like you think Nicole believes that you need a man to be complete. Kaitlyn: You know, I don’t care what Nicole needs. But she has some kind of arrogant problem in thinking I’m just like her. Why can’t she just let me be who I am? I’m happy being single. I have a good job and am taking care of myself. I certainly don’t need some guy just to feel loved or needed. The last thing I need is for some guy to interfere with my life and my plans. She’s as bad as my mom! Coach: What do you mean, “She’s as bad as my mom?” Kaitlyn: Mom always thinks she needs a man to be whole. My parents divorced when I was in the 8th grade. Mom was devastated and afraid to be alone. Before long, she had a new boyfriend every month. It drove me crazy. She eventually married my step-father when I was in high school. But then she starting nagging me. Most parents try to discourage girls from dating. But not my mother! And now that I’m out of college, she’s worse than ever! Why can’t she just accept me for who I really am? I’m a happily independent, self-sufficient woman! Underline any themes or patterns you observed in the above discussions. What questions might you use to help Kaitlyn understand her own perspective? What questions could you ask as a coach to help Kaitlyn change her perspective: • About Nicole • About herself • About the situation (Nicole and Kaitlyn aren’t talking but avoiding each other)

Page 30

30 Lead to a Christ-centered perspective What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3 It’s all about me! That’s our Old Adam nature – it’s about me and what I want. I’m the god of my own destiny, right? Who else will take care of me if I don’t look out for Number One? An important step in moving an individual toward reconciliation is helping the person replace a worldly view or self-absorbed attitude with a Christ-centered perspective. One of the most effective ways to begin this process is to help the party remember whose he is – a redeemed child of God, purchased with the precious blood of Christ. In a way, my perspective is about me. It’s about my identity in Christ. Knowing whose I am begins to change the way I understand myself, the world around me, and my Heavenly Father who adopted me into His family. Making a transition As indicated earlier in this chapter, the coach draws out the story in order to help the party understand his personal perspective: • How do I see myself in this conflict? • How do I view the other person in this conflict? • How do I understand the situation in this conflict? Once the party has opportunity to tell his story, and once the coach believes that passport has been adequately earned, the coach is ready to make a transition in the coaching process. The coach guides the party to reflect on his existing perspective and embrace a Christ-centered viewpoint: • How do I view God’s role in this conflict? o What does God’s Word teach regarding my thoughts, words, and actions? o What has God done for me through Christ? o What does He promise for me in this conflict? • What difference does that make in how I view myself? • What difference does that make in how I view the other person? • What difference does that make in how I understand the situation? Whose am I? Knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. 1 Peter 1:18-19

Page 31

31 Consider questions similar to these to bring about reflection on perspective: • Would you be willing to read a Bible verse and reflect on what difference that might make for you in this situation? [Wait for affirmative answer.] o Let’s look at 1 John 3:1. Would you please read the first part of that verse for us? o How does this verse apply to you in this situation? o How does that verse apply to _____ [the other party]? o How does Jesus view both you and _____ in this situation? • As you consider this situation, tell me how you understand your own worth. [Wait for answer.] o Would you be willing to read a Bible verse and reflect on how God values you? [Wait for affirmative answer.] § Let’s look at 1 Peter 1:18-19. Would you please read that for us? § According to this passage, how does God value you? § What does this suggest to you about your worth in this situation? § How does this same passage relate to _____ [the other party?] § Knowing the Jesus values both of you, what difference does that make in this conflict? • Describe your relationship with ______ [the other party.] o Would you be willing to read a Bible verse and reflect on how God views your relationship with ______? [Wait for affirmative answer.] § Let’s look at 1 John 1:7. Would you please read the last part of that verse for us? § How does Christ’s blood affect your relationship with God? § How does His blood affect your relationship with _____? § What difference does it make that you are both forgiven by Jesus’ blood? • You told me that __________ [the other party] is a Christian. If you are both believers, you will spend eternity in heaven together. What difference does that make as you view him/her today? • You have shared with me how you have contributed to this conflict. In spite of your sinful nature, how does your heavenly Father view: o You? o The other person with whom you are in conflict? o In light of how your Father in heaven views you both: § What is your worth to God? § What is the other person’s worth to God? o What difference does that make in how you view this conflict with your brother [sister] in Christ? See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. 1 John 3:1a

Page 32

32 Perspective on issues Most conflicts involve two different kinds of issues (see Luke 12:13-15): • Substantive or material issues. • Relational or personal issues. Note that addressing each kind of issue requires a different approach: • Substantive (material) issues should be negotiated or arbitrated. This is often referred to as conflict resolution. • Relational (personal) issues involve how people have offended one another (sin) and are addressed through restoring with gentleness, confession and forgiveness. This describes reconciliation. People tend to make two critical mistakes in their approaches to conflict. They may: • Mix together substantive and relational issues, which usually makes conflict more complicated and volatile. • Ignore or minimize the other person’s perspective on either the substantive or relational issues. Ignoring issues delays resolution and often brings additional harm to relationships. To help prepare the party both to resolve the substantive issues and address the relationship issues, the coach assists the person to clarify and define the following: • Issue: identifiable and concrete questions that must be addressed in order to reach an agreement. • Position: a desired outcome or definable perspective on an issue. • Interest: the motivations that underlie a position; a concern, desire, need, limitation, or something that a person values; sometimes concrete, but often abstract. Must be addressed in order to reach a truly satisfactory agreement. People tend to get stuck at the issue or position level (surface issues) and ignore the underlying interests. The coach helps people: • Separate substantive issues from relational issues so that they can apply the proper biblical principles to each type of issue (Reconciliation vs. Negotiation). • Go beyond surface issues and positions to understand and address the interests of everyone involved in the dispute (Philippians 2:3-4). • Uncover hidden agendas so that underlying motives can be addressed. • Give top priority to reconciling relationship issues, which usually enhances the successful resolution of substantive issues.

Page 33

Page 34

34 Coaching with Scripture Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Colossians 3:16 Most people, including Christians, are unfamiliar with comparing their thoughts, words, and actions with Scripture. The coach must use care and skill in helping another apply Scripture. Distinguishing between Law and Gospel When coaching with Scripture, it is easy to lose the balance and distinction between Law and Gospel. Use caution not to fall into this trap. In its broadest definition, the Law can mean the whole counsel or God such as presented in the Torah, the five books of Moses. Torah means “instruction” or “direction” and includes God’s commandments as well as His love and mercy in the promises of the Messiah. Likewise, the Gospel can refer to all Christian teaching, including both God’s commands and the atoning work of Jesus Christ. However, in the narrow definition, the Law means what God commands such as found in the Ten Commandments and Jesus’ summation of the Law. As sinners, we are incapable fulfilling God’s Law. Because we are unable to keep God’s commands, the Law requires judgment. By nature, we sinners are condemned to eternal separation from God. [Jesus said,] “ ‘And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” (Mark 12:30-31) As it is written, “None is righteous, no not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.” (Romans 3:10-12) For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23) For the wages of sin is death. (Romans 6:23) In its narrow understanding, the Gospel means good news that salvation is ours in Jesus Christ. We are no longer condemned to eternal death—instead we have been For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

Page 35

35 given eternal life. Jesus took on our sin and we received His righteousness. Through this free gift, we are forgiven and empowered to live the sanctified life, which we cannot do on our own strength or will. [Jesus said,] “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” (John 3:16-17) For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:21) [Jesus said,] “It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all.” (John 6:63). For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. (Romans 1:16) For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin. (Romans 3:20) Purpose of the Law The Law serves three purposes: 1. A curb – Through its judgment and consequences, the Law helps to restrain sinful behavior of both believers and unbelievers (1 Timothy 1:9; Romans 2:14-15). 2. A mirror – The Law confronts us and shows us our sin (Romans 3:20; 7:7). 3. A guide – The Law teaches us how to live a God-pleasing life (Psalm 119:9, 105; 1 John 4:9, 11, Luke 10:27). However, the power to live according to God’s Law comes from the Gospel (2 Corinthians 5:14-15; 1 Peter 2:24). Because we do not receive the assurance of forgiveness in the Law, the Law gives no relief from our guilt and no promise of hope. The Power of the Gospel – Forgiveness of Sins The Gospel gives peace, comforting those who realize that they have sinned against God. Forgiveness frees us from guilt, punishment, and sin’s power over us. We are saved not because of our own works, but because Christ lived the perfect lives we

Page 36

36 could not live and yet took on the full punishment of our sins. Thus, we receive the gift of eternal life. Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. (Romans 5:1) He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. (Colossians 1:13-14) There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1) For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9) For Christ is the end of the law for righteousness to everyone who believes. (Romans 10:4) Difference between the Law and the Gospel 1. The Law teaches what God commands us to do and not to do. The Gospel proclaims what God has done and is doing for our salvation and life. 2. The Law shows us our sin and the judgment of God. The Gospel shows us our Savior and the grace and mercy of God. 3. The Law is used to bring about contrition. The Gospel is used to comfort those who are troubled because of their sins. Applying the Law Use the Law carefully to confront sinful attitudes, words, and actions. Remember that the purpose of using Law is not to tear down or condemn, but rather to bring a sinner to repentance so that he may be healed through Christ’s forgiveness. People by nature have knowledge of the Law (conscience), although it is tainted by sin. With little teaching from Scripture, most people recognize (at least to some point) how they fail to live up to God’s standards in peacemaking. Since we cannot see into another’s heart, we must be careful not to judge whether or not the Law has done its work in people’s hearts. Remember that it is the Gospel that empowers us to live as God’s children (see 1 Peter 2:24). The Law, on the other hand, by itself may lead us to despair and desire to

Page 37

37 sin even more (see Romans 7:7-12). Thus, when applying the Law, look for the opportunity to apply the Gospel. Applying the Gospel People possess no natural knowledge of the Gospel. Thus, when coaching, you need to always point to Christ as the source of our hope and forgiveness. This may be the first time that a person (even a long-term member of the church) may actually hear how the Gospel specifically applies to him or her. We remember Christ’s forgiveness as we read and hear God’s promise proclaimed to us from His Word. When we proclaim God’s forgiveness to others, we are simply sharing with them the gift that we have received. From the back page of the pamphlet Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness, read the passages of Scripture aloud, inserting the person’s name. For example: For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward [Name] who fears him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove [your] transgressions from [you]. Psalm 103:11-12 There is therefore now no condemnation for [Name] who [is] in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1 [Name,] for our sake [God] made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him [you] might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21 Recognizing sin If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. 1 John 1:8-10 One of the challenges when coaching is to help people apply Scripture to identify their sins. We live in a society where sin is minimized. Instead of recognizing their own sin, people tend to excuse sinful behavior with several words or phrases. For example: • Mistake • Error in judgment • A little white lie • No big deal! • Everyone does it! Be intentional in proclaiming the Gospel in your coaching.

Page 38

38 It’s understandable that non-believers look for ways to excuse sin rather than recognize it because they don’t believe in the forgiveness of sins. Those who deny their sin, deny their need for a Savior. Christians can be honest about their sin because they believe that Jesus paid the full price for their sins. Yet, even Christians often fail to recognize sin for what it is – an offense against God and others. To guide the person to reconcile to God and to others, the coach assists the individual to examine his own heart against Scripture to recognize sinful thoughts, words, and actions. How can one appreciate the proclamation of God’s forgiveness if he is unable to recognize his own sin? Using the Bible effectively Words of Scripture are powerful. Use the Bible carefully to bring healing and encourage reconciliation. • Avoid quoting or reading the Bible to the person. • Encourage the party to read from his own Bible. o If he doesn’t have his Bible with him, offer him a Bible with a translation with which he is comfortable. o Select a passage of Law to help the person see where he has failed to keep God’s commandments. o Choose a passage of Gospel to communicate grace, hope, forgiveness, and power to live as God’s children. • Resist telling the person how the passage applies or what he should do. Remember your job as coach is to help the party discover for himself. o Ask the party to apply the passage to specific attitudes or behaviors: o “How might this passage apply to you in this situation?” o “How do you think this applies to you, especially when you …?” • Use other sources that incorporate Scripture: o Coaching bookmarks. o Hymn. o Catechism. o Books (such as Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean or Confession & Forgiveness or The Peacemaker). Finding appropriate Scripture passages Experienced reconcilers learn that they need not know all of Scripture in order to use the Bible in coaching. However, it is invaluable to know a few key passages to use and/or to have easy reference materials to find key passages when you need them. Consider these reference materials: The more you minimize sin, the more will grace decline in value. Luther’s Works, Volume 1 (St. Louis: CPH, 1958), 142.

Page 39

39 • Coaching bookmarks (by Ambassadors of Reconciliation) were designed specifically for this purpose. See more details below. • Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness pamphlet includes several Gospel passages – always appropriate to have handy when coaching, mediating, and teaching! • Both Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? and Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation feature scores of references to Bible passages. Think through the six sections and then scan the chapter for the heading that relates to the party’s situation. • Catechisms. Catechisms and other basic church teachings provide Scripture references that are useful in coaching. • Concordance (use if you can remember one or two key words of a verse) • Quick Scripture Reference (Baker Books) is an excellent topical reference guide and a key tool for active reconcilers • The Peacemaker by Ken Sande (Baker Books, 3rd Addition, 2004). If you remember that the book is divided into the Four G’s, you can quickly find the section and chapter where Ken Sande references scores of Bible passages for common issues in reconciliation work • Google (use to find a verse by a key word or thought) Coaching Bookmarks Twelve different bookmarks feature passages on the following topics: • Identity • Fears • Cravings • Misplaced Trust • Bitterness • Careless Talk • Anger • Authority • Suffering • Love others • Confession • Forgiveness Each bookmark features: • A main subject common for helping people in reconciliation. • A main passage on the subject written out on the front. • Several more passages referenced on the back with brief description of each one. • A Gospel passage written out on the back of every bookmark. Great for use in coaching: • The reconciler keeps full sets in his / her own Bible to easily find appropriate verses.

Page 40

Page 41

Page 42

42 The underlying source of our conflicts Conflict may be caused by misunderstandings or differences in perspectives or goals. But the Bible teaches that much of our conflict is directly caused or aggravated by a certain kind of desire. What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3 Note how this verse from James relates to the temptation of the serpent in the garden of Eden. Our old nature desires to be like God – or even to be the god of our own lives! What does conflict reveal about my heart? Quarrels and fights reveal our hidden desires. Such desires become evident when we sin against God or others to get what we want. Rather than responding to disagreements in God-honoring ways, we may react from our sinful nature by attacking or fleeing. When we don’t get what we want, we make our demands known and punish others. How does conflict in my heart relate to idolatry? God forbids us to have false gods: You shall have no other gods. Scripture explains that this means that we should fear, love, and trust in God above all things (e.g., see Psalm 96:4; Matthew 22:37; Proverbs 3:5). Any time we fear, love, or trust someone or something else more than God, we sin against the First Commandment. We are guilty of a form of idolatry, putting someone or something above God. Luther describes what is meant by a false god. A god is that to which we look for all good and in which we find refuge in every time of need. To have a god is nothing else than to trust and believe him with our whole heart. As I have often said, the trust and faith of the heart alone make both God and an idol…. That to which your heart clings and entrusts itself is, I say, really your God.3 3 Luther’s Large Catechism, First Part: The Ten Commandments in Theodore E. Tappert, ed., The Book of Concord: The Confessions of the Evangelical Lutheran Church (Philadelphia: Fortress Press, 1959), 365. [The serpent said,] “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Genesis 3:5 ESV, emphasis added

Page 43

43 When we are willing to sin in order to get what we want, we are not fearing God most of all. We are not loving Him above everyone or everything else. We are not trusting that He will give us everything we need. We turn our desires into demands – demanding what we want from others and even from God. This puts us in conflict with anyone (including God!) whom we believe is putting up a roadblock to our desires. The result? Fights and quarrels (James 4:1-3). Our heart is determined to get what we want, when we want it, and the way in which we want it. When an individual behaves sinfully against another person, especially one who is close to him/her, the underlying motivation to serve one’s own desires is revealed. Instead of self-sacrifice, one sacrifices the desires or needs of others, including other family members. Rather than restraining sinful thoughts, words, and actions, a person by nature falls prey to temptation to do whatever is necessary to please oneself. Sinful behaviors exhibited in conflict reveal our struggle to serve ourselves and the secret desires of our hearts. We want to be the god of our own heart’s desires, and we expect others to give in to our demands. In other words, we are guilty of idolatry! Uncovering idols of the heart Sin originates in the heart. Our heart’s desires become idolatrous when we fear, love, or trust someone or something more than God. When coaching, you can help a person discover the underlying idols that are driving his sinful behavior. Use questions to uncover the following idols of the heart. Improper desires for physical pleasure This idol is often referred to “cravings” or “lusts of the flesh” in the Bible (see 1 John 2:15-17; Galatians 5:16-21; Ephesians 4:17-20). Examples include: • Cravings for substances that create euphoric feelings, such as drugs or alcohol. • Craving leisure (including sports, recreational activity, etc.). • Excess cravings for the feelings that physical exercise can give. • Sexual lust. Questions that can help one uncover improper desires for physical pleasure 1. What physical pleasure did you find yourself thinking about much of the time? 2. When a certain desire or expectation was not met, did you feel frustration, resentment, bitterness, or anger? 3. What was unsatisfying about the gifts God has given you? Sins against the First Commandment • Fears • Cravings • Misplaced trust For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. 1 John 2:16

Page 44

44 4. How did you get even with the other person when you did not get what you wanted from him/her? Pride and arrogance When one sets his own desires above others (including God!), he is guilty of pride and arrogance. In essence, the person establishes himself as a “god.” This common idol may exhibit itself through a condescending attitude or a desire to control others. Self-proclaimed “gods” judge others who do not meet their demands. These judgments lead to condemning and punishing those who do not serve them (see Proverbs 8:13; Proverbs 16:18; Matthew 23:12). This idol becomes evident when one employs: • Making sinful judgments about others • Gossip • Slander • Demeaning one’s character or putting others down • Making demands upon others • Threatening others if certain conditions are not met Questions to help a person examine his heart for pride and arrogance: 1. How are your expectations of the other person magnifying your demands on him/her and your disappointment in his/her failure to meet your desires? 2. How are you judging the other person when your desires are not met? 3. How are you getting even with the other person when your desires are not met? 4. How have you communicated to the other person what you feel he/she must do? 5. How have you threatened the other person? (“Give me what I want or you will pay!”) Love of money or material possessions This idol is another example of craving or lust (see 1 Timothy 6:10; Hebrews 13:5). Note that the desire of money or material possessions in and of itself is not necessarily sinful. Such a desire becomes an idol when we are willing to sin in order to satisfy that desire. Examples are numerous. • Clothes, car, house • Financial accounts • Increased wages, salary, or benefits For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. 1 Timothy 6:10 The fear of the LORD is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate. Proverbs 8:13

Page 45

45 • Inheritance • Appearance of having wealth Questions to help reveal love of money or material possessions: 1. What preoccupies your thoughts? (What is the first thing on your mind in the morning and/or the last thing at night?) 2. Fill in this blank: “If only I had _________________, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure.” What does this suggest to you about your trust in God for what you desire? 3. When a certain desire or expectation is not met, do you feel frustration, resentment, bitterness, or anger? Fear of man Fear of man is a common idol that nearly everyone experiences at different times. This idol is revealed through excessive concern about what others think of us, leading to a preoccupation with acceptance, approval, popularity, personal comparisons, self-image, or pleasing others (see Proverbs 29:25; Luke 12:4-7). Examples include: • Peer pressure (doing something sinful in order to gain approval of people) • Co-dependency • People-pleaser • Going with the crowd Questions to help one discover fear of man: 1. Whose approval do you want most of all? 2. Whom are you seeking to please at almost any cost? 3. What do you want to preserve or avoid about your reputation? 4. In this situation, what or whom do you fear most? Good things that I want too much Good desires that we elevate into demands are another form of cravings or lusts. Note that many of the things we make into idols are wonderful blessings from God. We turn them into idols when we sin in order to achieve them (see Luke 12:22-31; James 4:1-3). The list of these idols is nearly endless. • Happy marriage • Respect from spouse or children • Successful children The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe. Proverbs 29:25 The evil in our desire often is not in what we want, but that we want it too much. John Calvin

Page 46

46 • Achievements in school, work, or personal life This idol begins to reveal itself when someone says, “Look, all I want is …” Questions to help reveal these idols: 1. What do you find yourself thinking about much of the time? 2. What causes you the most worry? How has your anxiety replaced your trust in God? 3. Fill in this blank: “If only _________________, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure.” What does this suggest to you about your trust in God for what you desire? 4. When a certain desire or expectation is not met, do you feel frustration, resentment, bitterness, or anger? Incidentally, a closely related idol to good things that we want too much is a fear of losing good things. This is often exhibited by anxiety or a desperation of losing something precious. How do idols develop? Jonah 2:8; 1 John 5:21 An idol can begin with a godly fear, desire, or trust. But once we demand what we want, it begins to develop into a full-blown idol. We slide down a slippery slope, moving from desire to demand. When expectations are not met, our frustration increases and we judge those who will not give us what we want. If they continue to refuse us, we punish them. The devil promises good things (i.e., happiness, satisfaction, safety, success, fame, special knowledge, etc.) if we turn our devotion away from God and devote ourselves to the idols of our hearts. But this is a great deception! If left unchecked, idolatry results in destruction or death of the idol and/or the person worshipping it. In other words, idolatry leads to death. For example, consider the eventual results of a drug addict not giving up his cravings – loss of friends and family, loss of self-respect, loss of health . . . If he never gives up his craving for drugs, he will eventually lose his life. The use of the drug promised great feelings and freedom. In the end, however, it results in death. The Development of an Idol Fear Desire Trust Demand Unmet expectations Frustrations Judge Punish End Result: Destruction or Death

Page 47

47 Not everyone is a drug addict! But our own idols can lead to similar results. What is sacrificed to the idols of our heart? Those guilty of worshipping idols sacrifice to them. This is also true of idols of the heart. We sacrifice people or things to serve our own idols. Consider a person whose idol was to get promoted at work. Janet believed that she deserved the promotion because of the number of years she worked for the company, and she wanted to earn more money. She had been overlooked for several promotions. When an opening for a higher position became available, Janet applied for it. But she learned that two co-workers also applied. Desperate to get the new position, she told some false rumors to the employer about the other two candidates, hoping that this would undermine their credibility and improve her odds for getting the job. Janet sacrificed much to her idol, including her integrity, her reputation, and her Christian witness. Her employer learned that the rumors were false. The woman not only failed to get the promotion, but she was terminated for her lack of integrity. Janet’s Progression of Her Idol Fear, Desire, or Trust: Desired promotion Demand: Demanded in her heart Unmet expectations: Denied promotion Frustrations: Frustrations grew Judge: Judged co-workers Punish: Spread rumors End Result: Lost her job In contrast to what we sacrifice to idols, God requires the sacrifice of a repentant heart (Psalm 51:17). The Development of an Idol Fear Desire Trust Demand Unmet expectations Frustrations Judge Punish End Result: Destruction or Death We know that every natural impulse, however innocent in itself, may stand between God and us, and so become an idol. C. S. Lewis

Page 48

48 Repentance leads to healing The way to flee from idols and turn towards God is through repentance. The coach leads the person to confess his idolatrous sins to God and proclaim God’s forgiveness. He who believes and trusts in God’s forgiveness through him finds freedom and healing. Through repentance, we exchange our worship of our false gods for the worship of the true God. Those who repent and seek hope for over-coming temptation receive God’s comfort, as found in passages such as Psalm 51:1-12; 1 John 1:9; 2 Corinthians 5:14-15; 1 Peter 2:24. David’s slide into idolatry In 2 Samuel 11, we read about King David and his fall into multiple layers of sin. How could a man who loved God so much sin so grievously? Review the account of David’s temptations and sin. Consider the idols he may have been struggling with that led to such desperate measures as you answer the following questions. • What actions did David take to conceal his sins? • How does Proverbs 28:13 address our attempts to cover up our sins? • In addition to concealing his sins, what other sins did David commit? • What did David’s sins reveal about his idols? • What was David willing to sacrifice in order to serve his idols? • How is David’s slide into these sins similar to our own struggle? David felt that he had covered up his sin through his desperate acts. He deceived himself thinking that he handled things so that no one would know what really happened. Many others must have known parts of what he had done. But there is one whom we can never deceive. And when the mourning was over, David sent and brought her to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the Lord. 2 Samuel 11:27 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:17

Page 49

49 Personal Application on Repentance Exercise: Self-Examination Think of a specific conflict where you acted inappropriately. You may have felt: " Anger " Bitterness " Pride " Intense jealousy " Defensiveness " Judgmental attitude " Fear Review the following questions. Note which kind of idols were you serving in that conflict. Indicate what or whom you sacrificed to get what you wanted. Improper desires for physical pleasure 1. What physical pleasure did you find yourself thinking about much of the time? 2. When a certain desire or expectation was not met, did you feel frustration, resentment, bitterness, or anger? 3. What was unsatisfying about the gifts God has given you? 4. How did you get even with the other person when you did not get what you wanted from him/her? Pride and arrogance 1. How are your expectations of the other person magnifying your demands on him/her and your disappointment in his/her failure to meet your desires? 2. How are you judging the other person when your desires are not met? 3. How are you getting even with the other person when your desires are not met? 4. How have you communicated to the other person what you feel he/she must do? 5. How have you threatened the other person? (“Give me what I want or you will pay!”) Love of money or material possessions 1. What preoccupies your thoughts? (What is the first thing on your mind in the morning and/or the last thing at night?) 2. Fill in this blank: “If only I had _________________, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure.” What does this suggest to you about your trust in God for what you desire?

Page 50

50 3. When a certain desire or expectation is not met, do you feel frustration, resentment, bitterness, or anger? Fear of man 1. Whose approval do you want most of all? 2. Whom are you seeking to please at almost any cost? 3. What do you want to preserve or avoid about your reputation? 4. In this situation, what or whom do you fear most? Good things that I want too much 1. What do you find yourself thinking about much of the time? 2. What causes you the most worry? How has your anxiety replaced your trust in God? 3. Fill in this blank: “If only _________________, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure.” What does this suggest to you about your trust in God for what you desire? 4. When a certain desire or expectation is not met, do you feel frustration, resentment, bitterness, or anger? For your specific conflict, identify the following: • The kind of idol(s) I struggled with: • What or whom I sacrificed or executed to get what I wanted: • What will be the end result if this idolatry remains unchecked?

Page 51

Page 52

52 Guiding people to receive God’s grace God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21 Although David’s idolatry led him into various depths of sin, God loved him. In 2 Samuel 12:1-13, we read how God sent Nathan to restore David, guiding him to receive God’s grace and amend his sinful life. Consider the following questions: • David blinded himself. What was God’s response to David’s actions according to 2 Samuel 11:27? • How does David’s experience with his own self-deception compare to what we do when we deny our sin? • Reflecting on 2 Samuel 12:1-6, what did Nathan do that was so effective in convicting David of his sin? • How was King David reconciled to God (2 Samuel 12:13)? Preparing parties to receive God’s grace • The sinner often blinds himself to his own sin (2 Samuel 11:27; 1 John 1:8, 10; see also 2 Peter 1:9). • David fell prey to the temptation of idolatry (2 Samuel 11). o He lusted after Bathsheba. o He acted on his lust, summoning her to him, abusing his authority. o Instead of confessing his sin when Bathsheba sent word she was pregnant, he denied his own sin to himself, her and her husband o He devised several plans to cover up his sin, each increasing in desperation and more sin § Called Uriah home for a report, hoping Uriah would spend time with his wife § Making Uriah drunk for a second night, hoping Uriah could not resist time with his wife § Writing an order to Joab that would result in Uriah’s death in battle o After Uriah’s death, he married Bathsheba, boldly ignoring all his sins o He was guilty of idolatry: § Fears (of being caught and losing respect or his kingship) § Cravings (sexual lust, power, self-gratification) § Pride and arrogance (trusting in his own power, making himself “god” and executing judgment against Uriah)

Page 53

53 • Restoration begins with helping the sinner recognize his sin. o The sinner often needs help in understanding the underlying issues of his own heart (Galatians 6:1) o Note how Nathan gently restored David (2 Samuel 12:1-13). o Confrontation of sin is to be redemptive, gentle, engaging, and specific. o When the sinner repents and confesses sin, the spiritual leader comforts the sinner with God’s forgiveness, and prepares him for consequences and future responsibilities (2 Samuel 12:13-14). o The sinner, having been reminded of his forgiveness, once again worships the true God (2 Samuel 12:15-20; see also Psalms 32 and 51). Repentance is proper worship Through the confession of our idols, we lay our false gods down and worship the true God. Remembering God’s forgiveness, we worship God alone and replace wrong worship with right worship (see Exodus 20:3; Matthew 22:37-38). We exchange our sacrifice to idols for our contrition to God. Repentance is proper worship. (Psalm 51:17; see also Isaiah 66:2b). Confession or denial reflects confession of faith Denial of sin is a denial of our need for Christ. However, when we confess our sins, trusting in God’s forgiveness of sins, we confess our faith in Christ (cf. 1 John 1:9). The Greek word translated “confess” (ὁμολογῶμεν – homologōmen) means “say the same thing.” • When Christians confess their faith in the words of the Apostles’ Creed, they say the same thing that God says in His Word – He created me, He redeemed me, and He sanctifies me. • When we confess our sins, we confess our faith in Christ. But when we deny our sin, or whenever we self-justify, we profess a different confession of faith. Confession has two parts: • That we confess our sins. • That we receive God’s forgiveness (absolution). The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken spirit and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:17 Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.” Nathan replied, “The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die.” 2 Samuel 12:13 When we fail to confess our sin, in whom are we trusting (and in whom are we placing our faith) for justification? What does this imply about our profession of faith?

Page 54

54 God proclaims forgiveness God proclaims His forgiveness to new and old believers: • Through His Word and Sacraments. • Personally through God’s prophets and pastors (2 Samuel 12:13). • Personally through God’s people. Proclaiming God’s forgiveness is more than assuming that one has knowledge of His forgiveness. Note how Jesus proclaims forgiveness to the sinful woman who washed his feet in Luke 7:48. From the text, it is clear that she knew about her forgiveness. (Jesus made the point that she loved much because she had been forgiven much. He also told Simon that her many sins were forgiven.) But then Jesus turns to her to proclaim forgiveness directly, specifically, and personally. Christ’s ambassadors proclaim God’s forgiveness God calls us to proclaim His forgiveness to one another. We are called to be ambassadors for Christ in the ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:16-21). We proclaim God’s forgiveness to one another: • For remembering God’s benefits in forgiveness and renewing one’s youth (Psalm 103:2-5). • For comforting and strengthening the repentant sinner (Psalm 32:1-5; 2 Samuel 12:13). • For ministering to sinners as Christ did (Matthew 9:2; Luke 7:48). • For the church to proclaim the Gospel to individual sinners (Matthew 18:15-18; John 20:23; 2 Corinthians 2:5-11). • For restoring a brother who has been caught in sin (Galatians 6:1-2). • For responding to one another as we confess our sins to each other (James 5:16). • For motivating God’s children to live for Him (2 Corinthians 5:14-15). • For empowering the Christian to live the sanctified life (1 Peter 2:24; 2 Peter 1:3-9). • For serving as an ambassador of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:20).

Page 55

55 His ambassadors forgive personally We are called to forgive one another as He forgave us. • We are all sinners in need of God’s grace (Romans 3:23-24). • We forgive one another because God forgave us in Christ (Matthew 6:12, 14-15; 18:21-35; Colossians 3:12-13; Ephesians 4:29-5:2). • We profess our faith in Christ when we confess and forgive (1 John 1:8-9; 1 Peter 2:12; John 13:35; Colossians 3:12-13; 1 John 4:2-21). Consequences of unconfessed idolatry Clinging to our idols brings severe consequences. Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love. Jonah 2:8 These consequences not only affect us, but others we influence. So these nations feared the Lord and also served their carved images. Their children did likewise, and their children's children—as their fathers did, so they do to this day. 2 Kings 17:41 Repentance leads to healing and peace But true worship – renouncing idols through repentance and faith – brings reconciliation, peace, healing, and eternal life (Proverbs 28:13; Acts 3:19). Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. Psalm 103:1-5 Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. Jonah 2:8 NIV

Page 56

Page 57

Page 58

Page 59

59 Prepare the party to go to other person Once a person is reminded of his reconciliation to God, the coach prepares him to go and be reconciled. He may prepare the person for several next steps: • Make the initial contact. • Confess to the other person. • Forgive the other person. • Restore the other party with gentleness. • Negotiate the material issues. • Practice. • Anticipate reactions from the other party. Making the initial contact Some parties will know how best to contact the other party. However, individuals who have become hardened in their disputes with others may need help in knowing how best to contact the other party. The coach may need to help the person overcome denial, fear, anger or other obstacles. In addition, she may need to help the party come up with solutions for making the contact. How one makes the contact will vary depending on the circumstances. Options include: • A personal visit. • A phone call. • A card. • An email. Note that in the initial contact, the purpose should be for inviting the person to meet face-to-face. Confession, offering forgiveness, or gently restoring normally should not be attempted through: • Texting. • Email. • A card or letter. • Phone call. Many parties need help in thinking through how best to contact those with whom they are in dispute. In rare instances, the parties may be so estranged that the coach may need to help with the initial contact. There may also be certain cases where a significant power imbalance exists and the coach may need to intervene. However, the coach needs to use discretion and resist getting involved when the party has the biblical responsibility to go and be reconciled.

Page 60

60 Confession Once a person has recognized his sin, confessed to God, and heard God’s forgiveness proclaimed, he will be better prepared to confess to the other person. However, it is often more difficult to face an opponent for confession than a coach who has earned passport. A party often needs help preparing to confess to the other party. The Guidelines for Confession serve as an excellent way to help the party prepare. Guidelines for Confession In simpler situations, it may be sufficient to orally review these guidelines with a party. In long-term conflicts or those with more strained relationships, the coach may encourage the party to write out a confession. • Go as a beggar. Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 15:19; Luke 18:13-14; James 5:16 • Own your sin. Numbers 5:5-7; Psalm 32:3-5; Psalm 51:3-4 o “I sinned against God and you when I . . .” o “I was wrong . . .” • Identify your sins according to God’s Word. o Sinful thoughts – Ecclesiastes 2:1-3; Matthew 15:19; Luke 6:45 o Sinful words – Exodus 20:16; Proverbs 11:13; Ephesians 4:29 o Sinful actions – Exodus 20:12-17; Matthew 7:12; Galatians 5:19-21 o Sins of omission, such as failing to love as Christ commands – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 o Note Psalm 51:4 and the prodigal son’s confession to his father in Luke 15:21 • Express sorrow for hurt your sin has caused. Luke 15:21 o “My sin hurt you by…” or “I am sorry for how my actions hurt you when…” o If you are unsure how your behavior was hurtful, ask! (“How have my actions hurt you?”) • Commit to changing your behavior with God’s help. Psalm 51:10-12; Matthew 3:8; Luke 19:8; Romans 6:21-22; Ephesians 4:22-24 o “With God’s help, I will not do this again.”

Page 61

61 • Be willing to bear the consequences. Numbers 5:5-7; Luke 15:21; Luke 19:8 • Ask for forgiveness. Genesis 50:17; Psalm 32:5; Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 18:13 • Trust in Christ’s forgiveness. Psalm 103:8-13; Colossians 1:13-14; Ephesians 1:7-10 o Regardless if the other person forgives, trust in Christ’s forgiveness. Forgive as God forgave you Forgiving others as God has forgiven us is impossible on our own strength. However, with the Apostle Paul we can claim by faith: I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 When the hurts are deep and the pain long-term, helping a wounded party to forgive will likely take time. Thus, patience, love and care are all necessary as the coach works with a hurting party. When people struggle to forgive, and when they refuse to forgive, they need help in remembering how God has forgiven them. Peter observes this about those who fail to demonstrate fruit of the Spirit: For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. 2 Peter 1:9, emphasis added Peter also teaches how one is empowered to live the sanctified life: He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24, emphasis added Helping a Party Overcome Unforgiveness Consider the following suggestions for coaching someone in forgiveness: • Forgiving as the Lord forgave does not depend on what the other party has done or might do. Rather, it depends on focusing on Jesus and what He has done and is doing for us – giving us the free gift of His forgiveness. o This may be done during a coaching session while the coach and party are together. However, it may be more effectively done through homework assignments (described later in this course). While not every one of the guidelines is necessary for a godly confession, these can help you take full responsibility for your part in a conflict and avoid denying your sin or blame-shifting.

Page 62

62 • When a party is struggling or refusing to forgive: o Ask if they believe that Christ died for the other person. o If not, help the person to understand God’s forgiveness for him. o If yes, ask if they can proclaim God’s forgiveness to the other person. o Help him practice announcing God’s forgiveness, using the form Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness. o Encourage the person to use Bible passages in their declaration of God’s forgiveness (back of Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness). • Once a party can proclaim God’s forgiveness, ask questions to help the person grow in faith to forgive as God has forgiven them both. • CAUTION . . . Be aware of a party who forgives easily, especially when the hurt is deep or long-term or involves harm against those he loves. o Some Christians know what they ought to do, or can say what they should, but still struggle in their heart. o Explore what forgiveness means to that person – God’s forgiveness for him and his forgiveness for his opponent. o Test to ascertain that the person you are coaching can forgive. What about consequences? Forgiveness always relieves the worst consequence of all – eternal separation from God! However, the Bible teaches that forgiveness does not necessarily remove the earthly consequences. Nevertheless, our Lord often shows great mercy, withholding the consequences. An example is given in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) in which the father showed great mercy to his repentant son. When balancing mercy and consequences, consider the purposes of consequences: • Consequences may be necessary to provide restitution. Numbers 5:5-7; Luke 19:8 • Consequences may be a form of discipline for teaching the sinner. Proverbs 3:11-12; Hebrews 12:11 • Consequences provide others an example or warning. 1 Corinthians 5:6-7; Acts 5:5 • Consequences may protect a sinner from further temptation. Matthew 6:13; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8; 5:22 Thus, it is important to consider the purposes and benefits of consequences when balancing mercy and consequences.

Page 63

63 Restore with gentleness Remind parties that before they go to restore others, Jesus first calls them to confess their own contribution to the conflict before helping another with his sin. [Jesus said,] “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” Matthew 7:3-5 What does it mean to restore? Helping one who is caught in sin often includes someone with whom we find ourselves in conflict. • The one who is ensnared in sin is in need of restoration. • The one called to restore is “you who are spiritual.” • Other passages also teach us to help others who need restoration (e.g., Matthew 18:15; Philippians 4:2-3; James 5:19-20). The word translated “caught” in Galatians 6:1 can have different meanings in English. The original Greek word that is translated “caught” does not have the sense of “Aha! I caught you in the act!” Rather, “caught” means one who is entangled with sin. The Greek word in this text was also used when referring to a fish that was caught in a net or to an animal that is ensnared in a trap. The word translated “restore” was used by Greeks in other settings as well. One application was for mending a fishing net. Such delicate work requires care to avoid ruining the net. Another use of the word was a medical term as in restoring a broken bone. Note that gentleness is required for restoration in each meaning. What is needed most? What is most needed by the one who is ensnared in sin is forgiveness – especially God’s forgiveness (Psalm 32:1-5; 2 Peter 1:9; 1 John 1:8-9). Thus, the main purpose in restoring is to prepare the person to receive the forgiveness that is his in Christ Jesus. Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1-2

Page 64

64 What does it mean to restore with gentleness? When we address another’s sins, especially when that person has hurt us or someone we love, we might be tempted in a number of ways. Thus, the coach helps a party to understand these temptations: • Let our anger get out of control, thus giving the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-27). • Sinfully judge the other person in a condemning way when we ourselves are guilty of the same thing; in so doing, we condemn ourselves (Romans 2:1). • Provoke to anger one’s child or others under one’s leadership, rather than bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). As God’s chosen people, He expects us to deal with one another in very specific ways, including when we are in conflict. In Colossians 3:12-17, Paul reminds us: • We are holy and beloved because we have been reconciled in Christ’s body by His death as we continue steadfastly in the faith (Colossians 1:22-23). • We are to be clothed with compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience (Colossians 3:12). • We are called to forgive others as we have been forgiven (Colossians 3:13). • Our overall attitude and action should be to put on love, which binds everything together in perfect unity (Colossians 3:14). • The peace of Christ should rule our hearts. This peace results from our reconciliation to God through the blood of Christ’s cross (Colossians 1:20). This contrasts with our Old Adam nature to serve our own desires above others (Colossians 3:15; see also Philippians 2:3-5). • We should teach and admonish one another with all wisdom based on the word of Christ, which should dwell in us richly. If we are not regularly in God’s Word, we will fail in this responsibility (Colossians 3:16). Resolving the material issues In reconciliation, we seek to restore the relationship by addressing the relational or personal issues of the conflict. Relational issues are reconciled through confession and forgiveness. In conflict resolution, we address the material or substantive issues of the conflict. We identify the problems to be solved and negotiate to resolve them. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Galatians 6:1b

Page 65

65 Most of the coaching normally focuses on reconciliation. Resolving the material issues is also necessary when addressing conflict. Once the relationship begins to heal, negotiating the material issues becomes more likely. Scripture teaches what to do when we need to resolve material issues. • Commit your plans to the LORD. (Proverbs 16:1-3) • Be reasonable. Don’t be anxious, but pray. (Philippians 4:5-6) • Love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:39) • Look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-5) • Do everything without grumbling or complaining. (Philippians 2:14) • Be wise – seek godly counsel. (Proverbs 12:15) Practice In sports, practice is crucial for learning and developing new skills. The same is true for reconciling. Thus, the coach helps the party practice biblical peacemaking. This can be done through simple role-playing or asking the party to write out words to say. Anticipate reactions from the other party Anticipating potential reactions is important to prevent your party from being caught off guard and falling back into an Old Adam natural response. The coach helps the party anticipate how the other person might respond to his attempts to reconcile. This can be done by asking the party to identify several possible reactions, ranging from negative to positive, and then asking the party to think through how he will deal with each reaction. Dealing with unreasonable people At times, we can all be tempted to be unreasonable. In any case, part of preparing a party is to anticipate the possibility of unreasonable behavior from his opponent as he attempts to reconcile. A few ideas . . . • The other person’s sin does not justify another sinful response. • Control your tongue. • Give yourself permission to take time to respond. o It may mean withdrawing temporarily to prepare a godly response. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4 God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

Page 66

66 • Seek godly counsel from those whom will keep your situation confidential. • Be aware if a situation becomes dangerous for you or someone else, and take action to be safe. • Remember your role and God’s role. o Your role is to be a messenger. o God’s job is to change the other person’s heart. • No matter what the outcome, look for the best way to show godly love. On the contrary, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:20-21 (see also Luke 6:27-31) • Focusing on love can protect you from your own bitterness and resentment. • Your example of patient love in the light of suffering may help bring about repentance. • Remember that others may be watching, including unbelievers. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation. 1 Peter 2:12 Provide encouragement Even when people know what they should do, they often need encouragement, confidence, and hope. • Offer hope and assurance: o Proclaim the Gospel (Romans 4:25-5:2). o Remind him of his identity in Christ and resulting freedom from sin (Romans 6:1-14). o Point out that he is “chosen, holy, and dearly loved” (Colossians 3:12-14). o Emphasize God’s faithfulness, power, and goodness (Philippians 1:6; 1 Corinthians 10:13). o God promises that a person’s efforts are not in vain (1 Corinthians 15:58). • Identify with the person’s pain in appropriate ways, offering compassion and sharing similar experiences (2 Corinthians 1:1-11).

Page 67

Page 68

68 8. Coaching through Homework Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24 Some of the most effective coaching is done through assigning homework, also referred to as preparatory work. When parties are reflecting on biblical teaching on their own without a coach or opponent in their presence, they often are more open to being honest with God and themselves. Your goals in assigning homework General objectives for assigning homework include: • Helping a party focus on his personal responsibilities in the conflict. • Encouraging a party to compare his attitudes, words, and actions to Scripture. • Providing a party personal time to reflect more thoughtfully without others present that may make him feel defensive. • Encouraging the person to take specific steps toward reconciliation: o A good coach doesn’t run the plays; the player does. o Help people with things that are beyond their abilities, but do not assume their responsibilities. • A long-term objective is teaching the individual how to apply Scripture to situations in his everyday life. Gain commitment for homework Before assigning homework, you must first gain commitment from the party. For example: • “Are you willing to do some preparation to help resolve this conflict?” • “May I make a suggestion?” • [If you are working with both parties] “The other party has agreed to do some homework to prepare for your meeting. Can I offer a suggestion on some homework that will help you prepare for your meeting?”

Page 69

69 Designing effective assignments To make effective assignments, follow these guidelines: • Design the assignment around one major objective. Trying to cover more than one key area loses impact. • Keep the assignment fairly simple. Long reading assignments or multiple questions can confuse or overwhelm a party, which often results in the assignment not being completed or having much impact. • Assign something to read or meditate upon: o Short Bible reading (may be only one or two passages or one story). o Short reading from Confession & Forgiveness or Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? or Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation o Section from Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness. o Short reading from The Peacemaker or a section from Peacemaking Principles pamphlet. o A coaching bookmark. o Devotion from Forgiven to Forgive or another resource. o A catechism section. o A hymn or poem. • Provide a few questions to answer that help the person apply the biblical teaching to a specific attitude or behavior of that person o Ask open-ended questions. o Avoid questions that are too general or too obvious. o Require that the answers be written out. • Continue to balance Law and Gospel. If you assign a passage that may convict someone of their sin, be sure to also include Gospel to comfort them. • Follow up in another coaching appointment to assist with application and to provide accountability. o What did you learn from the assignment? o How did the assignment help prepare you for your next step? Keys for effective homework • Keep it simple! • A relevant reading which teaches biblical application • Open-ended questions that help them apply the reading to their situation • Balance Law and Gospel • Follow-up with another coaching appointment

Page 70

70 9. Sample Homework Assignments Many of these samples are drawn from actual assignments that were helpful during reconciliation cases. Use good judgment in determining which assignment, if any, is appropriate to use for your party’s situation. Design homework assignments that are appropriate for the person you are helping. This is not an exhaustive list, but only a sampling of what you can do. Remember, it is best if your assignment is short and focuses on one or two specific areas. Avoid the temptation to give several or all of these assignments at once, thinking that you will quickly help the parties resolve all the issues in their conflict. Coaching Bookmarks Twelve different bookmarks feature passages on the following topics: • Identity • Fears • Cravings • Misplaced Trust • Bitterness • Careless Talk • Anger • Authority • Suffering • Love others • Confession • ForgivenessEach bookmark features: • A main subject common for helping people in reconciliation. • A main passage on the subject written out on the front. • Several more passages referenced on the back with brief description of each one. • A Gospel passage written out on the back of every bookmark. Great for use in coaching: • The reconciler keeps full sets in his / her own Bible to easily find appropriate verses. • The reconciler asks the party to read the selected verse from his/her own Bible, helps him/her to apply it, prays, and then gives the bookmark as a reminder at the end of the coaching session. • Bookmarks make great teaching tools. • Bookmarks make great homework assignments. o Give appropriate bookmark. o Design two or three questions for application.

Page 71

71 Bible Studies based on Bookmarks (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2015 – 2016) Short Bible studies have been developed on the bookmarks and are available by download from the AoR bookstore (www.aorhope.org). Each study utilizes many of the passages from the named bookmark, and includes practical application questions. The studies incorporate passages for both Law and Gospel, and use questions for reflection. Each study can be used as a single homework assignment. • Identity – 3 page study • Careless Talk – 3 page study • Love Others – 3 page study • Suffering – 3 page study • Authority – 3 page study (available late 2017) • Bitterness – 3 page study • Anger – 3 page study • Confession – 3 page study • Forgiveness – 3 page study • Fear, Cravings, & Misplaced Trust (also incoporating Confession and Forgiveness)– 12 page study

Page 72

72 Forgiven to Forgive devotion booklet (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2010) This devotion booklet was written specifically to complement work in reconciliation. • Features to draw upon: o Chose from 42 devotions, numbered and titled. o Chose from 10 prayers in the back, all designed for reconciliation prayer requests. • Use in a number of applications: o For sharing a devotion with individuals. o As coaching assignments. o For closing and opening mediation and arbitration meetings. o For meeting with co-reconcilers. o For opening and closing teaching sessions. • For homework assignments: o Assign specific devotions to be completed between coaching sessions. o For longer processes, ask participants to start at the beginning and use the devotions daily through your working with them. o Assign a specific devotion and design two to three questions to accompany that devotion for application. § See the list of questions prepared for each of the 42 devotions. o Assign a specific prayer from the back of the booklet. List of Devotions by Day with Questions Devotion for Day 1, “Unaware of Our Need for Rescue” 1. As you consider the conflict or strained relationship in your own life, how have you stumbled along in your sinful condition? What things have you thought, said, or done that have contributed to the situation? 2. Romans 5:10 reminds us that our most serious conflict in all of life is with God—by nature we are His enemies! And yet, in our sinful state, we were unaware of our need for reconciliation. In that conflict, did God wait for us to come to Him for reconciliation, or did He initiate reconciliation with us (see Romans 5:8)? 3. Reflecting on your strained relationship, as well as God’s reconciliation with you, what are your responsibilities toward reconciling with this other person? Consider the following steps: a. What ought to be my thoughts about the other person? b. What practical steps can I take to begin the reconciliation process? c. What is keeping me from taking these steps? d. Write a prayer asking for God’s help, praying for the other person, and praising Christ for reconciliation.

Page 73

73 Devotion for Day 2, “Bloody People” 1. Sometimes we become depressed and convince ourselves that we are not worth much. Read 1 Peter 1:17-21. With what did God purchase (ransom) you? What does this suggest about your worth to God? 2. Considering the one with whom you have a strained relationship, with what did God purchase (ransom) that other person? What does this suggest about his/her worth to God? 3. Reflecting on the worth that God places on both you and the other person: a. How can my thoughts about me reflect God’s love and value for me? b. How can my thoughts about the other person reflect God’s love and value for me? c. Write out some words you can say to the other person that reflect being bloody people. d. Write a prayer that God will reinforce His view of you and the other person as you seek reconciliation. Devotion for Day 3, “The Poison of Unforgiveness” 1. Identify someone that you are currently resisting or struggling to forgive. What has he/she done that has hurt or offended you so deeply? 2. What results have your withholding forgiveness had on you? a. How has your worship of God been affected by withholding forgiveness? b. How has bitterness, anger, malice, or unkind thinking toward this other person occupied your thoughts? How often does this happen? 3. In your mind, what needs to happen to help you overcome your struggle to forgive? a. What does God require of you before offering you forgiveness? (See Romans 5:8). b. What does God require of the other person before offering forgiveness? c. Pray the Lord’s Prayer, pausing as you pray the petition, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Devotion for Day 4, “Conflict an Opportunity?” 1. Begin by praying the prayer at the end of the devotion. 2. Name at least three ways that you can respond to this conflict in a way that will glorify God. 3. Identify at least 4 different people or groups of people that you can serve in this conflict. 4. Write how you can grow to be more like Christ through your response to this conflict.

Page 74

74 Devotion for Day 5, “As Good as the Paper It’s Written On” 1. Think back on how your conflict began. From your perspective, what were your best intentions? • Looking at your conflict from God’s perspective, what commitments or promises did you make in this situation that you have not carried out fully, in spite of what may have happened (e.g., the other person did not live up to your expectations)? • How have you broken your word or not lived up to expectations that you helped create? • Pray the words from 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24, inserting your own name for “you.” Note in verse 24 who is faithful to you, no matter what you do. Devotion for Day 6, “Fights and Quarrels” 1. Considering a current or recent conflict, what underlying desires were driving you to take your position and respond to the conflict in the ways that you did? 2. If you were able to get what you wanted in the conflict, whose desires were served most of all – your own, the other person’s, or God’s? 3. If you were unable to get everything you wanted, how did you respond (identify your thoughts, words, and actions)? Which of your reactions were sinful? 4. Using the prayer from the devotion, include a confession for your sinful desires. Note that God’s forgiveness covers the desires that cause our fights and quarrels. Devotion for Day 7, “Forget Not!” 1. As you think about your recent or current conflict, read again Psalm 103:1-5. What are some of God’s benefits for you in this situation? 2. Identify the first benefit listed in verses 3-5. How does this benefit lead to the others? 3. How can you apply this cherished benefit from God in your current situation with others? 4. Write a prayer incorporating a couple of the key thoughts you gained from this devotion. Devotion for Day 8, “Trust in Me” 1. Carefully think about your thoughts, words, and actions in this conflict. What or whom have you been trusting to respond to this conflict? 2. In this whole situation, what or whom do you fear most of all? 3. Whom ought you to fear most of all in this situation according to Proverbs 3:7? 4. Write a prayer in which you acknowledge your fear, love and trust in your heavenly Father. Ask Him for the strength to overcome your misplaced trust and fears so that you may depend fully on Him and not rely on your own understanding.

Page 75

75 Devotion for Day 9, “Where Can I Get Help?” 1. Identify what concerns you most about your current unresolved conflict. 2. How have you responded well to this situation? 3. How have you responded sinfully? a. When responding sinfully, on whom were you depending most of all for wisdom, safety, and strength? 4. Pray Psalm 46, beginning with these words: “Faithful and loving Father, you know everything about the conflict involving me and ____________. Teach me to be still and know that You are God. . . .” Devotion for Day 10, “True Love” 1. How has and does God demonstrate his love for you? 2. How can you demonstrate your love for God in the way that you treat your opponent in this conflict? 3. How can you demonstrate love for the person with whom you are in conflict? 4. Write a prayer asking for Jesus to lead you in loving this other person. Begin your prayer with the words, “I love You, Jesus, because You first loved me.” Devotion for Day 11, “Fixing Our Eyes on Jesus” 1. In your strained relationship or conflict, what has caused you to worry, lose hope, or become discouraged? 2. How did Jesus overcome discouragement and avoid distractions when going to the cross for your sins? 3. How can fixing your eyes on Jesus help you persevere in seeking reconciliation for this conflict, even in the face of adversity? 4. Pray for God’s help to persevere in following His will as you seek reconciliation. Devotion for Day 12, “All for God” 1. In your specific conflict, how have you sought godly justice? How have you demonstrated godly mercy? 2. In what ways have you failed to exhibit humility, be just in all your dealings, or shown mercy? 3. In spite of your failings, Jesus accomplished justice for you, setting aside His glory for your shame, paying for the full punishment of your sin through His suffering and death. Then He rose from the dead, victorious over sin, death and the devil. How does this good news comfort and encourage you as you consider your next steps in your conflict? 4. Write a prayer thanking Jesus for his mercy and grace shown you. Then ask for His help that you might demonstrate that same mercy and grace in your conflict.

Page 76

76 Devotion for Day 13, “Abundant Life” 1. In what ways has your current conflict caused you to feel that your life is missing something important? What good things have you lost or might you lose because of this conflict? 2. In spite of the challenges of these losses, identify at least five ways in which you have abundant life because of what Christ has done for you. 3. How does the abundant life that Christ offers change your perspective on this conflict? 4. Pray in the words of the hymn “Jesus, Lead Thou On:” Jesus, lead Thou on Till our rest is won; And although the way be cheerless, We will follow calm and fearless. Guide us by Thy hand To our fatherland. When we seek relief From a long-felt grief, When temptations come alluring, Make us patient and enduring. Show us that bright shore Where we weep no more. Jesus, lead Thou on Till our rest is won. Heav’nly leader, still direct us, Still support, console, protect us, Till we safely stand In our fatherland.4 Amen. Devotion for Day 14, “So Much to Fight For” 1. How have the rich blessings that you and your opponent received from God led to your conflict in this matter? 2. Whose interests did God consider when giving up His only Son to die? 3. Interests are what motivate us to take a position. They can include desires, values, beliefs, and more. In this conflict, identify: a. Your God-pleasing interests. b. Your opponent’s God-pleasing interests. c. God interests for both of you. 4. Write a prayer that God will help you set aside selfish interests and help you and your opponent both find ways to meet your God-pleasing interests in this conflict. Devotion for Day 15, “Log Jam” 1. How have you contributed to the conflict between you and your opponent? 2. Identify ways in which you have sinned. Use the following for your self-examination: a. Sinful thoughts: i. Anger, malice, bitterness. 4 Nicolaus Ludwig von Zinzendorf; tr. Jane L. Borthwick; stanzas 1, 3, and 4; public domain.

Page 77

77 ii. Judging or condemning the other person in your heart. iii. Assuming the other person’s motives. iv. Justifying your actions because the other person hurt or disappointed you. b. Sinful words (verbal, email, texting, personal web page, etc.): i. Worthless talk that does not benefit or build others up, such as name calling, sinful judging, angry words, etc. ii. Grumbling and complaining. iii. Falsehood (including exaggeration). iv. Gossip or slander. c. Sinful actions: i. Avoid the other person rather than talk to him/her. ii. Using avoidance as a way to control the other person. iii. Attacking the other person in any way (words, email, looks, talking to someone in authority in order to bring force to bear on the person, etc.). iv. Breaking your word or failing to do all you promised. v. Misusing authority. vi. Being disrespectful to authority. vii. Failing to treat others as you wish to be treated. 3. Write a confession using the Guidelines of confession: a. Go as a beggar. b. Own your sin. c. Identify your sins according to God’s Word. d. Express sorrow for hurt your sin has caused. e. Commit to changing your behavior with God’s help. f. Be willing to bear the consequences. g. Ask for forgiveness. h. Trust in Christ’s forgiveness. 4. Write a prayer that God will grant you the strength, courage, and opportunity to confess your sins to those you have sinned against. Devotion for Day 16, “Downcast and Pleased” 1. How have Christ’s wounds affected how God sees you in this conflict? Your opponent? 2. Although you may not yet be reconciled to your sister/brother in Christ, what is your source of peace according to the Scripture for today’s reading? 3. How can your peace with God affect how you view your opponent and the conflict you find yourself in? 4. Write a prayer that God gives you eyes to see yourself and your opponent the way that God sees both of you.

Page 78

78 Devotion for Day 17, “Me, a Witness?” 1. When Christians fight, at least ten others are watching. Identify at least seven individuals or groups of people that are aware of your conflict. Be sure to remember your own family. 2. As these others observe your response to this conflict, what godly witness are you giving? Ungodly witness? 3. How can you respond to this conflict in such a way that others including your opponent will see you give witness to Christ? 4. Write a prayer that your response in this conflict will glorify God through your witness. Devotion for Day 18, “How’s Your Attitude?” 1. Considering your strained relationship, how has your own attitude made the situation worse? 2. How can you serve others in this conflict? a. God b. Your opponent c. Others who may be affected directly by this conflict d. Others who are observing your responses to this conflict 3. Write a prayer thanking Jesus for His servant attitude toward you, and that the Holy Spirit will give you an attitude of love, service, and sacrifice toward those you listed above. Devotion for Day 19, “God, Help Me!” 1. Thinking about your conflict, in what ways do you feel incapable or unwilling to deal with this situation in a God-honoring way? 2. On whose strength have you been depending for responding in a Christ-like way? 3. In Ephesians 2:10, God teaches: “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Identify some of the good works that God desires you do in this current conflict. 4. Write a prayer of confession for leaning on your own strength instead of God’s. Then, thanking God for His promises of forgiveness, ask Him to strengthen and equip you for the good work He planned in advance for you in this specific situation. Devotion for Day 20, “Handle with Kid Gloves” 1. After you have considered your own contribution to this conflict (e.g., get the log out of your own eye; see Devotion for Day 15), identify how the other person contributed to this conflict? 2. Write down some specific steps that you can take to help restore this person gently.

Page 79

79 3. Write down specific words that you can say to bring about restoration. Include not only how you have been hurt, but how Christ died for that sin and how you are preparing to forgive as Christ has forgiven you. 4. Pray the prayer “For Approaching Someone in Conflict with Me” on the last page of the booklet Forgiven to Forgive. Devotion for Day 21, “To Bless or To Curse” 1. Consider your opponent. How have your thoughts led to think unkind things about him/her? Has this helped or hurt your ability to reconcile? 2. Identify at least five different ways that you can show love, care and concern to this person, even if he/she is not treating you well. 3. Write a prayer in which you ask God to bless the other person. Include a petition that the Holy Spirit will guide you in finding ways to bless the other person and avoid cursing or thinking poorly of him/her. Devotion for Day 22, “Standing in the Presence of God” 1. What comfort do you have that God is always with you? What does it mean to you that you are always in the presence of God? 2. Being in the presence of God, how does that effect the way you will respond to your opponent? 3. Pray the prayer “For Glorifying God in My Conflict” in the back of the booklet under the section “Prayers for Reconciliation.” Devotion for Day 23, “Forgive Whom?” 1. With Christ’s prayer of forgiveness . . . a. How does God see you? b. How does God see your opponent? 2. When Jesus was giving His best, His all – dying for the sins of the world – was that enough for everyone? a. Why or why not? b. Did Jesus still forgive the sins of everyone? 3. What has your opponent done that makes it difficult for you to forgive? 4. Identify ways you can demonstrate your acts of forgiveness to your opponent. 5. Pray in the words of the hymn “Jesus, Thy Blood and Righteousness”: Lord, I believe Thy precious blood, Which at the mercy seat of God Pleads for the captives’ liberty, Was also shed in love for me.5 Amen. 5 Nicolaus Ludwig von Zinzendorf; tr. John B. Wesley, 3rd stanza; public domain.

Page 80

80 Devotion for Day 24, “Making the Impossible Possible” 1. Read 2 Peter 1:3-9. What are the great and precious promises that God has given us? 2. When the Holy Spirit works through Holy Baptism, Holy Communion, and God’s Holy Word (the Means of Grace), what do we participate in according to 2 Peter 1:4)? 3. How does it impact you to know that God is empowering you for the work of reconciliation? 4. What different actions and behaviors can you now show and do to present yourself as a living sacrifice? Devotion for Day 25, “God Have Mercy on Your Soul” 1. What motivated God to show mercy on your soul? 2. What keeps God continuing to show mercy on your soul? What is your responsibility? 3. Using the “Guidelines for Confession,” consider “Own your sin” and “Identify you sins according to God’s Word.” Write out your sins of thoughts, words, and deeds that are heavy on your heart. 4. Write a prayer thanking God for the love and mercy He has shown you beyond what you ever deserve. Devotion for Day 26, “Confession and Forgiveness” 1. What godly desires have you turned into demands? 2. When these demands were not met, how did you punish those who didn’t fulfill your demands? 3. Identify the specific sins of fears, cravings, and misplaced trust that you acted upon. Write a prayer of confession. 4. Read 1 Peter 2:24. Write a prayer of thanksgiving for God’s forgiveness of your sins. Devotion for Day 27, “Clueless” 1. What has your opponent kept doing that keeps your attention off your own behaviors and attitudes? 2. In the conflict you are in, which of your behaviors and attitudes are difficult for you to identify as wrong? 3. Using “The Slippery Slope”, identify where you are on the Slope in this conflict. Where does God want you to be? What barriers need to be removed for you to be where God wants you to be? 4. Read Matthew 7:3-5. Write a prayer asking God to open your eyes to see your part in the conflict. Devotion for Day 28, “You Want Me To Do What?!” 1. What makes rejoicing easy for you to do? a. Is your rejoicing dependent upon circumstances?

Page 81

81 b. Your actions? c. Your outcomes? d. God’s Plan? 2. How can rejoicing in God’s forgiveness through Holy Baptism aid you in addressing your conflicts with your opponent? 3. How can rejoicing aid you in a more positive witness to your opponent? a. What action can you do differently? b. What words can you speak more positively? Devotion for Day 29, “Keeping Cross-Eyed” 1. What has your opponent done or said that keeps getting your attention? 2. How have those wrongs or hurts caused you to lose hope or become more discouraged? 3. How did Jesus overcome being discouraged and go to the cross for you? 4. How does the cross change your ability to forgive? 5. Pray these words of the hymn: “In the Cross of Christ I Glory” When the woes of life o’er-take me, Hopes deceive, and fears annoy, Never shall the cross forsake me; Lo, it glows with peace and joy. When the sun of bliss is beaming Light and love upon my way, From the cross the radiance streaming Adds more luster to the day.6 Amen. Devotion for Day 30, “I Can’t Forgive Myself!” 1. Read Isaiah 43:1. What comfort do you find in knowing that God not only created you, but He also redeemed you and called you by name? 2. What does it mean for you that God knows everything about you, and yet He continues to use you, bless you, and equip you for serving Him and His people? Remember what “grace” means in this acrostic: God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense a. What riches did God shower upon you because of the suffering, death, and resurrection of Jesus? b. What assurance do you receive from Romans 8:1? 3. Read the closing prayer from the devotion again. Devotion for Day 31, “Glorify God in Conflict” 1. How can you demonstrate your trust in God while you address your conflict with your opponent? 6 William J. Sparrow Simpson; public domain.

Page 82

82 2. What godly behaviors can you show towards your opponent while you discuss your disagreements together? (Imitate God) 3. One way to Glorify God is to show Him honor and respect. How can you in a similar manner show honor and respect to your opponent while you address your conflict between the two of you? 4. Read the prayer “For Glorifying God in My Conflict” in the section “Prayers for Reconciliation” in the back of the devotion booklet. Devotion for Day 32, “Beautiful Feet” 1. Whom do you know needs encouragement and hope that God’s peace is for them? 2. Identify the burden they appear to be carrying. 3. Think through how you might open up the conversation with them. o How would you approach them? o Where would you do this? o How would you ask them to be open to your help? 4. Write down words you can use to encourage them with the hope of the Gospel, reminding them of God’s love, provision, and forgiveness in Christ. Devotion for Day 33, “Whom Do I Fear Most?” 1. Regarding your conflict, which fears hold you captive? 2. In this conflict, what do you want to avoid at any cost? 3. Read Proverbs 10:27 and 14:27. o What are the promises offered in response to fear? o How will this change your response to fear? 4. Write a prayer of confession regarding your fear. Devotion for Day 34, “The Pause that Revives” 1. Pause a moment. What are your favorite times and places for getting recharged or reenergized? 2. When you receive the sacrament of Holy Communion, how do you experience the renewed strength and energy for living and serving? (Review Matthew 26:26-28.) 3. Identify your favorite Scripture passage. How does that passage provide you hope, strength, and renew your spirit for faithful living? 4. Read Mark 1:35; Matthew 14:22-23; and Luke 5:16. What encouragement do you find that Jesus took time to rest to accomplish our salvation? 5. Identify at least three times in the next 21 days that you will set aside time to rest, meditate on Scripture, and pray. Devotion for Day 35, “At Peace” 1. Identify what robs you from being at peace . . . a. With God?

Page 83

83 b. With yourself? c. With others? 2. What assurances does God promise you in each of the following verses: a. Isaiah 53:5 b. Romans 5:1 c. Romans 6:3-5 d. 1 John 3:1 3. How does peace with God affect your peace … a. With yourself, based on Philippians 4:7? b. With others, based on Colossians 3:15? 4. Read again 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24. What is God’s promise to you? Devotion for Day 36, “The Great Uncovering” 1. Identify three to five sins which have become your “pet sins.” These are the sins we know but don’t trouble us as they should. 2. What are some of your favorite ways to “cover up” your sins? 3. Read 1 John 1:7. What comfort do you receive in knowing that Christ hung naked on the cross for you? 4. How can you demonstrate this love and forgiveness of Jesus to the person with whom you are in conflict? Devotion for Day 37, “In a Most Peculiar Fashion” 1. Identify five things that lead you to praise God in worship. 2. Think of a recent conflict in which you have been involved. What in that conflict robs your worship of God? 3. How does worship help you see your opponent as redeemed by Christ? 4. How does worship aid you in confessing your sins to God and to your opponent? Devotion for Day 38, “Isn’t It About Me?” 1. Identify ways the person with whom you are in conflict with has hurt you, shamed you or caused you harm. 2. How have you responded to those hurts, shame and harm? 3. Notice how Christ responded to those who hurt, shamed and harmed Him in 1 Peter 2:21-24. What are some specific ways you can demonstrate care and compassion to the one who has hurt you? 4. Should the opportunity be provided that you could speak a word of forgiveness to the other party, what words would you speak? Write them out. Devotion for Day 39, “A Better Way” 1. What are the material issues you want addressed in this conflict? 2. Which results do you want achieved? 3. What kind of witness are you giving to others who know about the way you are addressing this conflict?

Page 84

84 4. Read Philippians 2:1-4. What are the interests of the other party and their desire for settlement? 5. What are you willing to concede in order to achieve settlement? 6. Ponder what our Lord gave up to achieve our salvation. What effect does that have upon this position you are taking? Devotion for Day 40, “Forgive, and Forgive, and Forgive…” 1. How does God look at you when He declares you forgiven? (See Romans 8:1.) What happens to your sins? 2. How often does God forgive you? 3. How often does God forgive the person with whom you are in conflict? 4. How can your forgiveness in Christ affect your attitude toward the other person? 5. How might you help the other party make changes in his/her life by your example of the fruit of repentance? 6. Reread the prayer at the end of the devotion. Devotion for Day 41, “The Best Moment in Life” 1. Which experience from your past keeps robbing you of Christ’s forgiveness? 2. What effect does that have upon you when you are in conflict with someone? 3. Read 1 John 1:7. What about the blood of Jesus are you unable to trust? 4. What comfort do you receive from this verse? Devotion for Day 42, “Forgiven to Forgive” 1. What hope do you possess in knowing your sins are forgiven you? 2. How does the forgiveness of sins change the way you look at an individual with whom you are in conflict? 3. Read Matthew 5:23-24. Who has the responsibility to take the first action towards confession and forgiveness? 4. What if the other person is not motivated to confess? Or forgive? o Read Romans 12:18. What does God call us to do? o Who is responsible for how another person responds to our confession or proclamation of forgiveness?

Page 85

85 Index of Devotions by 4-G’s (Listed by Day) The Four G’s of Peacemaking7 Glorify God Days 1, 4, 7, 8-11, 13, 14, 17-19, 22, 28, 29, 31-35, 37 Get the log out of your eye Days 5, 6, 15, 25-27 Gently Restore Days 12, 20, 21, 38 Go and Be Reconciled Days 3, 16, 23, 24, 30, 39, 40, 41 Topical Index of Devotions (Listed by Day) Anger Days 12, 21, 23, 38, 40 Attitude towards Conflict; Others Days 1, 2-4, 6-8, 10, 12-24, 27-33, 35-38, 40 Confession Days 6, 15, 17, 25-27, 33, 36, 37, 42 Confronting Others Days 20-22, 40 Encouragement Days 7, 9-13, 16, 18-21, 24, 25, 28-30, 32, 34 Fear Days 8, 9, 11, 13, 19, 27, 33 Forgiveness Days 3, 7, 16, 17, 23, 25, 26, 29, 30, 36, 38, 40-42 Humility and Pride Days 6, 12, 14, 18, 19, 21, 22, 27, 38 Justice Days 12, 13, 15, 25, 37, 39 Keeping Your Word Days 5, 15 Looking to Others’ Interests Days 14, 17, 18, 20, 21, 23, 31, 32, 38, 39, 40 7 Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker, 3rd ed. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2004.

Page 86

Page 87

87 Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2016) Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2017) These Bible studies were specifically designed to be used in coaching people through conflict. They can be used over several coaching sessions to guide a person through the two major sections, “Be Reconciled to God” and “Be Reconciled to Others.” Assign one lesson at a time (or for shorter assignments, assign one section within a lesson at a time). You might assign all the questions at the end of each lesson. Lesson 1: Remember Whose You Are This lesson can be used for: • Helping someone remember his identity in Christ. • Guiding someone to see the other party as someone for whom Christ has died. • Remembering one’s value as a redeemed child of God. 1. Read through Lesson 1 (pages 11-17). Look up some of the Bible passages. 2. Write out your answers to the questions on pages 18-19. Lesson 2: Repent Before God This lesson is useful for: • Helping someone understand fuller meanings of the Ten Commandments. • Helping a person begin to identify his underlying idols. • Gaining insight to the sacrifices made to the idols of our hearts. 1. Read through Lesson 2 (pages 21-32), taking time to look up some of the Bible passages. 2. Write out your answers to the questions on pages 32-34. Lesson 3: Receive God’s Forgiveness This lesson is effective for: • Helping someone address denial of sin. • Guiding someone to remember how forgiven he is through Christ. • Preparing someone to forgive as he has been forgiven. 1. Read through Lesson 3 (pages 37-44), including looking up some of the Bible passages. 2. Write out your answers to the questions on pages 45-47. For shorter and more focused assignments, assign shorter reading sections and specific questions that apply to the person’s situation.

Page 88

88 Lesson 4: Confess to the Other Person This lesson is useful for: • Helping someone understand how his/her actions have affected others. • Addressing one’s anger. • Dealing with denial. • Encouraging someone to take the first step. • Preparing someone to confess to another person. 1. Read through Lesson 4 (pages 49-59), taking time to read some of the Bible verses listed. 2. Write out your answers to the questions on pages 60-61. Lesson 5: Forgive as God Forgave You This lesson is effective for: • Reviewing how God forgives us. • Encouraging one to forgive as God has forgiven him. • Recognizing how forgiveness does not necessarily remove earthly consequences. • Understanding the purpose for consequences. • Knowing when a person should forgive someone who has sinned against him. • Understand the relationship between forgiveness and reconciliation. • Guiding someone to negotiate material issues. 1. Read through Lesson 5 (pages 63-74), including looking up some of the Bible passages listed. 2. Write out your answers to the questions on pages 75-76. Lesson 6: Restore with Gentleness Use this lesson for: • Helping someone appreciate how sin affects relationships with God and others. • Helping someone understand what it means to restore with gentleness. • Guiding someone to understand his responsibility in bringing correction. • How to apply peacemaking with unbelievers. • How reconciliation is related to others within the body of Christ. 1. Read through Lesson 6 (pages 79-88). Look up some of the Bible passages. 2. Write out your answers to the questions on pages 89-92. Narrow the Focus Use the headings in each Lesson to assign a shorter reading assignment. Ask them to look up every Bible passage listed. Limit the questions to the area you want him to focus on.

Page 89

89 The Peacemaker The Peacemaker by Ken Sande (Baker Books, 3rd ed., 2004) is specifically written to guide people through personal conflict. After each chapter, Ken provides a number of insightful and thought-provoking questions that help an individual examine himself and consider new ways to deal with a specific conflict. Follow the Four G’s: An easy way to consider what to assign from The Peacemaker is to remember that the book follows the Four G’s: • Part 1: Glorify God (Chapters 1-3). • Part 2: Get the Log Out of Your Eye (Chapters 4-6). • Part 3: Gently Restore (Chapters 7-9). • Part 4: Go and Be Reconciled (Chapters 10-12). Consider which of the Four G’s will be helpful for your party, then select one of the chapters from that section. The First G: Glorify God (Chapters 1-3) Responses to conflict To help a person identify what kinds of responses she has used and should use in this situation: • Read Chapter 1. • Referring to the Slippery Slope, ask the party to write down answers to: o What responses has the other party used? o What responses have you used in the conflict so far? o What do you think would be the most God-pleasing responses you could use now? Opportunities in this conflict To help a person identify the opportunities in this conflict: • Read Chapter 1 and answer the following questions: o How can you glorify God? Trust him? Obey him? Imitate him? o How can you serve others? o How can you grow to be like Christ?

Page 90

90 Trust God To encourage someone to trust God: • Read Chapter 3. • What are some ways that you can respond to this conflict that will demonstrate your faith and trust in God? The Second G: Get the Log Out of Your Eye (Chapters 4-6) Reality check To assist a person with a reality check: Read Chapter 4 and answer: What effect is this dispute having or likely to have on: • Your witness for Christ? • Your personal attitude? • Your family life? • Your occupation? • Your finances or property? • Your friendships? • Your relationship to God? • Your service to your church and community? • Is this a conflict you should overlook and not pursue? Why or why not? It will be important to review the answers of this homework assignment with the person to help her think through the realities of the situation. If the conflict cannot be overlooked with a forgiving attitude, you should probably encourage her to pursue the matter. However, you should be prepared to offer assistance with the next steps of the biblical peacemaking process. Getting to the heart and uncovering idols If a person needs help to identify heart idols and his other contributions to the conflict: • Read Chapter 5 (or a particular section from Chapter 5). • Answer the questions (as specifically assigned by the conciliator) from the end of chapter 5. • Read Chapter 6 (pp. 119-126). • Answer questions 1-6 at the end of Chapter 6 (as specifically assigned by the conciliator).

Page 91

91 Guiding a person to confess If a person needs help to confess her wrongs to another person: • Read Chapter 6. • Answer question 7 from the end of the chapter (using the Seven A’s of Confession to write out your confession). The Third G: Gently Restore (Chapters 7-9) Determining whether it is appropriate to confront To help a person determine whether he/she should confront someone else or if it is the right time to confront the other person: • Read Chapter 7. • Answer the questions from the back of the chapter, especially question 4. Prepare someone to confront To help a person prepare to confront someone else about his/her sins: • Read Chapter 8. • Assign the questions from the end of the chapter that will help this person the most. You may want to meet again with this person and role-play the confrontation to help the person prepare. You may also want to help the person anticipate the potential responses from the other person, and coach the first party on how to plan for each potential response. Determine whether others should be involved To help a person consider involving others in resolving the conflict: • Read Chapter 9. • Answer questions 1-5 at the end of Chapter 9. • Remember that our role in reconciliation is limited to our personal responsibility. We cannot control God or the motives or actions of others (2 Timothy 2:24-26). The Fourth G: Go and Be Reconciled (Chapters 10-12) Preparing a party for negotiation To help a person prepare to negotiate the substantive issues: • Review the PAUSE principle.

Page 92

Page 93

93 10. Seeking Additional Expertise Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 When to seek help or refer Note that special circumstances require expertise and experience in guiding individuals, congregations, and other organizations through conflict. Be aware of your own limitations. When something arises in your coaching that is beyond your experience or training, you may use a team member to assist you or you may refer to someone else who has specialized training and experience. Seek professional help when dealing with the following if you do not have training and experience in these areas: • Sexual misconduct of any leader in an organization. • Physical abuse of children. • Inappropriate touch of children. • Domestic violence. • Allegations of criminal misconduct • Sinful use of equipment (computers, internet, cell phones) that could lead to someone losing a position. • Accusations that could lead to removal of church worker from serving in the church body. • Criminal acts by a leader. Recognize when the situation involves group conflict. In such situations, there may need to be a process to deal with group dynamics. Part of your coaching may be to encourage the person to seek help for organizational conflict. Cases where this may apply include: • Church conflict. • Conflict among school faculty or staff. • Conflict among multiple employees. • Conflict within a board of directors or other leadership board. • Conflict between a key employee and a governing board.

Page 94

94 11. Case Studies Instructions for Role Plays and Real Life Exercises Our experience has shown that actual case histories provide a more realistic experience for training than hypothetical situations. Thus, case studies have been drawn from actual cases. As you prepare for and actually work through the case studies, consider what preparation worked well for you and what you would do differently in order to improve your preparation on future cases. Furthermore, learning is enhanced when dealing with real life issues. Please carefully follow these instructions for the case studies, role plays, and real life exercises. Confidentiality Case Studies Although case studies are drawn from actual cases, names and other identifying details have been changed to protect the confidentiality of the parties. Often, the details from several cases have been combined and many details are omitted. Any names or places in these case studies that resemble the names of actual individuals or places are coincidental. Please do not associate these case histories with people or organizations that you personally know. It is possible that people who have some knowledge of the original cases may recognize the similar fact pattern and confuse the original facts with the changed facts for the role plays. To further guard the integrity of the Christian reconciliation process, please do not discuss the details of the case studies (such as contracts, letters, etc.) or use the information from these role plays outside of the course. Real Life Exercises Please keep any information you learn about others confidential. You are asked to commit to the Standard of Conduct for Christian Conciliators (on the next three pages) before participating in any of the real life exercises.

Page 95

95 Standard of Conduct for Christian Conciliators The Institute for Christian Conciliation™ (ICC) requires all Certified Christian Conciliators™ and candidates in the ICC Certification Program to conduct themselves according to this Standard. 1. Responsibility to God A. Statement of Faith—The Christian conciliator believes (1) that the Bible, consisting of the Old and New Testaments, is the only inspired, infallible, inerrant and authoritative written Word of God; (2) that there is one God, eternally existent in three persons: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit; (3) in the deity of our Lord Jesus Christ, his virgin birth, his sinless life, his miracles, his vicarious and atoning death through his shed blood, his bodily resurrection, his ascension to the right hand of the Father, and his personal return in power and glory; (4) that for the salvation of lost and sinful people, regeneration by the Holy Spirit is absolutely necessary; (5) that a person is justified by grace alone, through faith alone, in the Lord Jesus Christ alone; (6) in the present ministry of the Holy Spirit by whose indwelling the Christian is enabled to live a godly life; (7) in the resurrection of both the saved and the lost—those who are saved, unto the resurrection of life, and those who are lost, unto the resurrection of damnation; and (8) in the spiritual unity of believers in our Lord Jesus Christ and his church. B. The Christian conciliator serves in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and, therefore, shall strive earnestly to live a godly life and avoid doing anything that would dishonor the Lord or injure his church (1 Cor. 10:31). C. The Christian conciliator shall seek unity in the body of Christ and make every effort to live at peace and to be reconciled with others (John 17:23; Rom. 12:18; Eph. 4:3). D. The Christian conciliator shall be in continuing fellowship within a Christian church and shall support and submit to its teaching, oversight, and discipline, unless there is a clear scriptural reason to do otherwise (1 Thess. 5:12; Heb. 10:25; 13:17; Acts 4:19). E. The Christian conciliator shall regularly seek spiritual counsel and support from mature Christians who affirm his or her conciliation ministry (Prov. 11:14; 12:15; 15:22). F. The Christian conciliator shall encourage and help Christians to obey the biblical mandate to resolve their disputes with the help of the church rather than suing one another in secular courts (1 Cor. 6:1-8). G. The Christian conciliator shall use appropriate opportunities to encourage others to put their trust in the Lord Jesus Christ. The conciliator shall do this with

Page 96

96 gentleness and respect and shall not attempt to force his or her views on someone who is not interested in the gospel (Rom. 1:16; 1 Pet. 3:15-16). H. The Christian conciliator shall respect the authority of Christian parties' churches and shall work in close cooperation with their pastors whenever possible (1 Thess. 5:12; Heb. 13:17). The Christian conciliator shall not attempt to recruit churched parties to his or her church. The conciliator shall encourage Christian parties to maintain a strong church involvement (Heb. 10:24-25). I. At appropriate times and in a gracious manner, the Christian conciliator shall (1) show the parties that in order to find lasting solutions to their conflicts and problems, their lives and decisions must conform to the concepts and standards of Scripture (2 Tim. 3:15-17); (2) point out clearly the requirements of the Scriptures as applied to everyday life and practice (2 Tim. 4:2); (3) help the parties to make decisions, to take actions, and to change their lifestyles, habits, and conduct as God has instructed in the Scriptures, so that they may enjoy life and their relationship with God (Eph. 4:22-24); and (4) encourage repentance, confession, forgiveness, and reconciliation whenever sin has occurred or a relationship has been broken (Luke 17:3; Gal. 6:1; 2 Tim. 4:2). J. The Christian conciliator shall encourage and support only scripturally sound decisions and actions (Micah 6:8). 2. Responsibility to Civil Authorities and Other Professionals and Organizations A. The Christian conciliator shall respect the legitimate jurisdiction of civil authorities and shall cooperate with them as required by law, unless there is a clear scriptural reason to do otherwise (Acts 4:19; Rom. 13:1-7). B. The Christian conciliator shall respect the relationships that the parties have with other professionals, such as pastors, attorneys, and counselors, and shall encourage such professionals to support the conciliation process. C. The Christian conciliator shall not imply, either directly or indirectly, that he or she represents or speaks on behalf of any organization unless he or she has received express authorization to do so. 3. Responsibility to the Parties A. The Christian conciliator shall maintain his or her conduct and relationship with the parties above reproach and in accord with the highest standards of biblical ministry. B. The Christian conciliator shall exercise his or her influence soberly, carefully, and with the best interests of the parties in mind. C. The Christian conciliator shall obtain informed consent from the parties before an

Page 97

97 agreement to commence conciliation is reached. The conciliator shall define and describe the process of conciliation, its costs and fees, and his or her role in the process. D. The Christian conciliator shall make every effort to provide parties with a fair and clearly defined process, and shall therefore work according to established rules of procedure. E. The Christian conciliator shall clearly indicate that he or she will not serve either party as a legal advisor or advocate. F. The Christian conciliator shall disclose all conflicts of interest, including any interest or relationship that is likely to affect impartiality or that might create an appearance of partiality or bias. G. The Christian conciliator shall be impartial, that is, free from favoritism or bias either by word or by action, and shall be committed to serving all parties rather than a single party. H. The Christian conciliator shall encourage the parties to make decisions based upon sufficient information and knowledge; at times this may require referring the parties to other people for relevant advice. I. The Christian conciliator shall not voluntarily disclose information obtained through the conciliation process without the prior consent of all parties, unless such disclosure is required by law or is provided to the parties' churches or to others according to a disclosure agreement reached before conciliation began. J. The Christian conciliator shall make every reasonable effort to expedite the conciliation process and to overcome unnecessary delays. K. When the Christian conciliator offers counsel or is called upon to issue an advisory opinion or an arbitration decision, he or she shall do so in a just, independent, and deliberate manner. L. The Christian conciliator shall encourage the parties to frankly evaluate his or her performance as a conciliator. 4. Responsibility to the Public A. The Christian conciliator shall not represent him/herself as having qualifications, affiliations, or experience that he or she does not possess, nor shall the conciliator represent him/herself as being licensed by the state unless he or she is so licensed. B. The Christian conciliator shall not use his or her knowledge, experience, or position for unfair personal benefit or gain.

Page 98

98 Rules for the Role-Plays • Please listen carefully and follow all instructions. • Do not disclose any secret facts to your role-play partner(s), except as appropriate to the role-play. • Do “get into” the role you are assigned and stay in role during the entire designated time. • Do not change your gender for the role. If you are female, play the role as a woman or girl. If you are male, play the role as a man or boy. If needed, change name and details to play your own gender. • It is appropriate to embellish your role to add motivation, surrounding circumstances, reasons, values, opinions, etc. • Make up any facts necessary to enhance your role or position, but avoid “killer facts” (i.e., facts that shut down the role play). It is easiest to use background from your own life to add facts (such as family situations or professional backgrounds) unless provided otherwise in case facts. • When your role-play is finished, please do not disclose to others your fact pattern or results until instructed otherwise. • Do not discuss how you did with other workshop participants until instructed to do so by the trainers. • Focus on process: Remember, the facts in these role-plays are unique and will differ from the actual fact patterns you may reconcile on your own after you leave the training. • Throughout the entire role-play, progress through the role-play in real time. Do not skip any steps in the process or abbreviate any sections of the role-play unless specifically instructed to do so. Role-playing cases in real time is more important than finishing the entire process. Additional Rules for Real Life Exercises • Remember that these are not case studies but real life experiences. Treat one another with care and respect. Minister to one another as appropriate. • Don’t fake it. If you get stuck, ask for help. When dealing with real life situations, something may come up that needs special attention.

Page 99

99 The Two-Minute Feedback The two-minute feedback should be specific but brief. It should take place in less than two minutes. Its purpose is not to evaluate the whole role play process or each part of the process, but to identify two or three strengths and one or two weaknesses in the presentation. Through this feedback, the reconcilers will recognize their own strengths in order to build on them. In addition, the reconcilers will identify one or two areas that they can improve in. The two-minute feedback is excellent training in itself for reconcilers. Reconcilers must be able to recognize their own strengths and limitations and be open to constructive criticism from others. Reconcilers who are planning to coach others should first be able to coach themselves and receive constructive instruction from others. For the parties in the role plays, the two-minute feedback is a great exercise as well, since the parties become coaches to the reconcilers as they encourage each other through praise and constructive criticism. The reconcilers begin: For each exercise, the reconciler answers two questions: • What two or three things did I do well? • In what one area could I improve? The parties add their feedback: For each exercise, the role playing parties give feedback to the reconcilers by answering two questions: • The best thing I thought you did was… • One suggestion I have for you is…

Page 100

100 Coaching Practicum Case Study #1 Basic Facts Trapped at Work Kyle and Nicole were engaged to be married in three months. For several years, Kyle had been working as a production manager in a company that produced specialized components for the heavy equipment industry. Business was booming. His boss offered to promote him to plant manager if he would agree to do whatever the boss asked him to do. The promotion meant a raise plus large bonuses. Kyle quickly agreed, thinking that the increased income would be great for a new marriage. He didn’t ask his boss what was meant by “do whatever the boss asked.” Two weeks into his new position, his boss asked him again about his commitment. Kyle affirmed his agreement, apprehensive of where this was leading. The boss told him that two of the plant employees were older (early 60’s), and that meant that their seniority wages and health insurance were costing the company more expense than younger employees. In addition, they weren’t as energetic as the younger guys on the team. So, Kyle needed to begin documenting everything these two guys did wrong so that Kyle could justify firing them in the next 45 days. His boss promised to give him a bonus equaling 1/3 of the savings in annual health insurance costs, which would amount to a few thousand dollars. Kyle’s heart sank. He respected both of the older workers, knowing that both men were solid workers. Their families were dependent upon their incomes. Kyle feared it would be difficult for them at their ages to find new jobs that paid as well. He regretted his promise to “do whatever” just to get the promotion, and he resented his boss for setting him up. Kyle began to document, even exaggerate, the severity of the two men’s mistakes. He raised his voice with them whenever they slipped up, letting them know they were being written up. Guilt started to overcome him as a Christian. Their mistakes were no worse than others’ mistakes, including his own. He knew what he was doing was wrong – even evil. He was unable to sleep well at night. He became moody and snapped at Nicole for the smallest things. She asked him what was wrong, but Kyle was reluctant to tell her what was bugging him. In fact, he hadn’t told anyone. He felt trapped and began to fall into a depression. Nicole wondered if her fiancé was having second thoughts about the wedding.

Page 101

Page 102

102 Coaching Practicum Case Study #2 Basic Facts Robert and Emily, adult siblings, disagree on how to provide care for their elderly mother, Esther. Esther has been living alone in her home, but her health has been declining over the last few years. Five weeks ago she fell and broke her hip. After a week in the hospital, she has been in a recovery center receiving care and therapy. Esther is ready to be released but cannot stay in her home alone anymore. Years before (while Dad was living), Robert promised both his parents that he would never put them into a nursing home. Robert wants Mom to live with her children trading every other month – one month with Robert and his wife, and the next month with Emily and her husband. Emily believes that Mom should be moved into a permanent nursing facility where she can receive 24-hour care. Emily is worried that neither of them can provide the kind of care their mother needs. Esther wants to move back into her home. She knows that is not possible now, but she hopes that soon she can return home. Emily and Robert have had a number of disagreements over the care of their mother, but on the day before Esther was to be released, they both lost their tempers in front of the social worker. Emily called her brother stupid and unrealistic. Robert accused his sister of being non-caring and unwilling to sacrifice for their mother. No decision was reached, and they left the social worker’s office still bickering. Esther, Robert and his wife, and Emily and her husband are all Christians, but Emily’s family attends a different church. Pre-Coaching Homework You have been contacted by one of the above parties for coaching them in their conflict. You know this person from church, and he or she trusts you. • Assume that you talked by phone with the party you are coaching (either Robert or Emily) and learned about the basic situation as described above. • Assume that you asked your party to read through Lessons 1 and 2 of Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? and asked them to complete the same questions you completed prior to this course (see the next two pages).

Page 103

103 Pre-Course Homework for Case Study #2 After completing Lesson 1 (pages 10-17 in Go and Be Reconciled), read the case study (pages 17-18). Assume either Robert’s or Emily’s role based on your own gender (men answer for Robert, women answer for Emily). Your coach has assigned you to work through Lesson 1. Write out Robert’s or Emily’s answers to questions 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, and 7. • How have you contributed to this conflict? Who has been affected by your sinful thoughts, words, or actions? • In spite of your sinful nature, how does your heavenly Father view: o you? o the person with whom you are in conflict? • In light of how your heavenly Father views you both: o What is your worth to God? o What is the other person’s worth to God? • What comfort does your identity in Christ give you in the midst of this struggle? • Describe what material or substantive issues need to be resolved in your conflict. • Identify what relational issues need to be reconciled in your conflict.

Page 104

104 After completing Lesson 2 (pages 20-32 in Go and Be Reconciled), continue to put yourself in Robert’s or Emily’s position. Write out your answers to questions 2, 5 (b & c), 8, and 9 (pages 33 and 34). Consider the idols listed in this lesson. Ask yourself the following questions to identify the idols with which you were struggling: • Pride and arrogance o How are your expectations of the other person magnifying your demands on him/her and your disappointment in his/her failure to meet your desires? o How are you judging the other person when your desires are not met? o How are you getting even with the other person when your desires are not met? o How have you communicated to the other person what you feel he/she must do? o How have you threatened the other person? (“Give me what I want or you will pay!”) • Good things that I want too much o What causes you the most worry? How has your anxiety replaced your trust in God? o Fill in this blank: “If only _________________, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure.” What does this suggest to you about your trust in God for what you desire? • What are some of the Commandments you have broken in this conflict? (Compare your thoughts, words, and actions to the explanations of the Ten Commandments.) • What hope is there for you? (See 1 John 1:9; Romans 5:8, 15:13; Ephesians 1:7.)

Page 105

Page 106

Page 107

107 Coaching Practicum Case Study #2 Secret Facts for Robert Robert is five years younger than his sister Emily. Growing up, he always looked up to his big sister. However, later he felt that Emily bossed him around and told him what to do. In his teen years, Robert resented Emily’s attempt to act like she was his parent. They often argued, especially when Robert started dating girls in high school. Mom tended to favor Robert, whereas Dad doted on Emily. But one New Year’s Day, while Robert’s family were at his parents’ house, Robert and Dad were watching the football game. Dad said he worried that someday he or his wife would need nursing care. Robert’s paternal grandfather had been living in a nursing home before he died, and Dad always felt his father was poorly cared for. He told Robert the nursing home was dirty and the staff didn’t respond to his father when he needed to use the toilet. Robert then made the promise that he would never put his parents into a nursing home. He assured Dad (and Mom, who came into the room) that Robert and Emily would always have a place in their homes for their parents. Although Robert and his father were not really close, this particular moment was emotional for the two of them. Robert felt like this was the one time that his father really loved him. Robert never discussed his promise with Emily until their mother was in recovery for her broken hip. When he did bring it up, Emily criticized him for making a rash promise. She further reminded him that she never made any such commitment. The subject was changed until they spoke about it again in front of the social worker. During that argument, Robert accused his sister of not loving their mother. He didn’t really believe it, but he wanted to assert himself. He believes that Emily doesn’t respect him as an adult brother capable of providing care for his mother. At the same time, Robert realizes that the responsibility of caring for Mom full-time at his home would be burdensome to his wife and two teen kids at home. He assumed that Emily would share in this responsibility. Robert’s Idols: • Pride – He knows best how to care for Mom – Emily doesn’t really get it. • Fear of man – Wants deeply to feel loved by Mom (and Dad). He also wants to be respected by Emily. • Good things he wants too much – He loves his mother and wants what’s best for her. However, he wants to define what’s best and does what he can to minimize his sister’s ideas.

Page 108

Page 109

109 Coaching Practicum Case Study #2 Secret Facts for Emily Emily is five years older than her brother. She loved her younger brother and always looked for ways to protect him. Emily acknowledges that at times she may have been bossy, especially when he was in high school. She remembers wanting to choose whom he dated and that caused some conflict between them. Emily judges her brother for making poor choices in life. “He’s always getting himself in trouble because he makes promises that he can’t keep. People depend on him, and then he doesn’t follow through.” Emily remembers when he promised a girl in high school that he would always be there for her, no matter what. But two weeks later, he was dating another girl and broke the first girl’s heart. Robert started college, changed his major three times, and then quit after two years. Emily acknowledges that Robert eventually seemed to be adequate in his career, but she complains that he’s fickle and just needs guidance in making better decisions. Emily loves her mother but believes that she needs 24-hour professional care. In addition to her hip injury, Esther is diabetic and doesn’t watch her diet carefully. Mom will do better in a facility where her mother’s diet is watched and controlled. Neither Emily nor Robert will be able to control what Mom eats or drinks. She is very demanding and stubborn. Mom also has a heart condition that needs monitoring. A nursing facility will have the kind of care she needs if something urgent happens. No one in Robert’s or Emily’s home can provide the same kind of care. To accommodate her mother living with her, Emily would have to give up some of her work, which would result in less income. Although her family doesn’t depend on her wages to make ends meet, Emily has become accustomed to buying whatever she wants, when she wants it, with little restraint. Emily doesn’t want to give that up. Besides, insurance will help pay for nursing care, but not for living with family. Emily’s Idols: • Pride – Emily knows what’s best for Mom and Robert. She judges Robert for not being as financially well off as she is or for not being more dependable. • Love of money or material possessions – Emily worries that taking care of her mother will require her to stay at home more, losing time from work and wages. • Good things that she wants too much – Emily wants what’s best for Mom, for Robert and his family, and for Emily and her family. No one understands what is needed better than Emily.

Page 110

110 Coaching Practicum Case Study #3 Basic Facts The Walls Come Tumbling Down Bob has been a pastor for 17 years. He has served three parishes, having served his present church for 8 years. Bob describes his own church as faithfully conservative. The church has doubled in size during his pastorate, but he is the only pastor and works 60+ hours each week. Church activities consume most of his time, and he rarely takes a full day off during the week. The family has not taken a vacation together for three years. Some in the church describe Bob as being legalistic. Bob and Helen have been married for 20 years (they married while Bob was in seminary). They have stood by each other in good and bad times. Helen works part time in a department store. She also sings in the church choir. Bob and Helen’s only child, Megan, is 17 years old. She is a junior in high school and an honor roll student. She plays on the high school volleyball team, plays cello in orchestra (she was hoping to get scholarships for music), and is active in the church youth group. She also has a part-time job selling jewelry at a discount store. Although Megan often feels judged by her father, he cherishes her. He has high expectations for his daughter especially as she looks forward to college. He especially hopes she can succeed in getting scholarships since he and Helen don’t have means to put their daughter through college. Just over two months ago, Megan learned that she was pregnant. She could not face telling her father about the pregnancy. One weekend when she was supposed to be on a youth retreat, she ran away to her aunt and uncle’s home in Chicago. From there, she called her mother about the pregnancy. Megan asked her mother to tell her father. Brett and Megan have been dating for about 2 years. Brett is a senior in high school and plans to attend a local vocational school after graduation. Bob was against Megan spending so much time with Brett, and warned her not to do so. However, Bob is usually at church meetings most evenings, and Megan’s mother often works at night at the department store. So Megan and Brett spent more and more time together without her parents being home. Brett is not a member of Bob’s church, but does occasionally attend another church that Bob judges as liberal. Bob immediately expressed anger when he learned the news – initially with Megan and then more so as he thought about Brett. Helen was able to help him calm down enough to call his daughter and encourage her to return home.

Page 111

111 Megan is coming home on the bus. Bob plans to meet her there at the bus stop. However, Megan is afraid that her father may reject her, so she called Brett to see if she could live with him and his parents if she is rejected. Brett’s parents agreed. Brett is also planning to meet Megan at the bus stop. Megan called her mother to let her know so that Bob could also be prepared. Neither Bob nor Brett will have time to talk before they arrive at the bus station. You will be the coach for one of the four parties: Bob, Helen, Megan, or Brett. The coach for Bob or Helen is a close friend who has just learned from Bob or Helen what happened. The coach for Megan is either her aunt or uncle, who learned about the situation from Megan (her aunt and uncle are Megan’s godparents). The coach for Brett is a family friend in Brett’s church who learned about the situation from Brett’s parents. You will have one hour to coach your party before they have to leave to catch the bus (Megan) or before Brett or Bob have to go to the bus station to meet Megan. No one knows who will arrive first. Although your party may be worried about many events in the future, you will have to deal with their initial feelings, hear their story, change the perspective just enough to prepare them for the meetings at the bus station. You will need to prioritize your coaching time so that you can focus on the immediate meeting.

Page 112

112 Coaching Practicum Case Study #3 Bob’s Secret Facts You and your wife are totally blind-sighted by this unbelievable news. Megan has always been a perfect child: good student, great athlete, popular, disciplined, and beautiful. She is musically talented and talked about going to music school, and she often plays the cello in church. You adore your daughter. You have always put her up on a pedestal, and you would do anything to see her succeed. Now she has thrown all that into your face, throwing away her future, shaming you as a pastor, fornicating with that liberal kid Brett who has deceived her and taken her captive into the pits of hell. You hate Brett. You can’t believe this is happening to you. Sometimes you blame your wife for being too easy on Megan when you laid down the law. You demanded early curfews, but your wife often extended them. You restricted her from spending too much time with Brett and other boys, but your wife has a soft heart and always gave in too easily. Your thoughts and words include some of the following: “What is the matter with that girl? Doesn’t she know that I’m a pastor? My job is on the line! What will people in our church think of me? I’m a father of an adulterous minor? What kind of pastor is that? You can bet that the deacons are going to raise holy cain with me on this one. “Why did she run away to Chicago? She’s never done anything like that before. We have always been able to talk about stuff. I take my daughter on father/daughter dates. We love spending time together. She’s my only child, my precious little girl. She’s the love of my life. I’m so proud of her. But now what has she done? Where is my little perfect girl? Where are you, Megan? “What will people in the community think? And what about my parents and my wife’s parents? Our other family members are jealous of me being a pastor of a growing church, and now they’ll just ridicule me. “Where did we go wrong? Haven’t we loved her? Didn’t we teach her well? Did I spend too much time at church while my little girl was becoming a young woman? Why wasn’t I home more? I knew I should have supervised her every visit with that boy!” When talking to your coach, you vacillate between being angry, sad, remorseful, and guilty. You talk about being fearful of what others will think, especially the deacons. You blame your wife at times, then yourself, and then Brett.

Page 113

113 Your church has doubled over the last several years, but recently some people are unhappy with your leadership. You know that an additional pastor is needed on staff, but you have resisted since you felt you were handling things well enough on your own. You had a bad experience as an associate pastor in a previous church, and you fear having another pastor on staff that might do things differently than you. There isn’t any open conflict at church, but it seems that the church keeps taking more and more of your evening time. You have become more critical over the last three years. You tend to judge others, your wife, your daughter, her boyfriend, and yourself. The whole world seems to be going to pot, and you have increased your passion in preaching and teaching against the sinful ways of the world, and now this is how you’re rewarded. In addition to the above items mentioned, if your coach asks you specifically or gives you homework, you reflect on the following idols: Cravings • A family who lives the ideal Christian life as an example to my people; • A church whose members live and behave like Christians are supposed to; • A deacon board who supports you for your gifts rather than tear you down for your faults; • Megan to go to music school, graduate, get a job with a symphony, and then get married and have your grandchildren. Fears • The deacons will want to have you removed as pastor because you cannot raise your family as a Christian pastor ought; • Loss of respect from all the people in your church; • Loss of your daughter to this young boy who got her pregnant; • God will judge you and condemn you because you have failed as a father and as a pastor. Judgments • You are critical of most people, including your own family and yourself; • It is easy for you to condemn, nitpick, and “preach” the “gospel” to those whom you believe fail to live the Christian life. However, this situation has left you open to counsel from your friend. You are desperate for hope in what you see is a hopeless situation. You listen carefully, and respond to God’s Word shared with you. You are craving the good news of God’s forgiveness and love for you, and if your coach shares it with you, you respond very positively.

Page 114

114 Coaching Practicum Case Study #3 Megan’s Secret Facts Brett and you (Megan) were shocked and afraid when you found out that you were pregnant. You had only been intimate a few times, and both of you felt that someday you would be married, although neither of you really talked about that openly. You knew that your father would hit the ceiling as soon as he found out, and you knew your mother would be deeply hurt. Yet, you love Brett, and part of you feels excitement about having this close connection to Brett. You originally felt like this would draw the two of you closer together, even into marriage. Brett, on the other hand, had a different perspective when he first learned you were pregnant. Brett was not ready for any long-term commitments, and he had no plans on being a father when his whole future lay ahead of him. Brett said he would be willing to pay for an abortion. You told Brett that abortion was not right and your church believed that abortion was a form of murder, so you told Brett that abortion was not an option. You and Brett argued for a while, and both of you ending up crying. Eventually, however, Brett agreed to support you however he could, and you both decided to wait to tell your parents until after you had some time to think. Brett was ready to tell his parents sooner than you, but you had both agreed that you should tell them at the same time. You were terrified. You thought your Dad might kick you out of the house and disown you as his daughter. You felt guilty, ashamed, and dirty. You avoided talking to him or even looking at him. At the same time, you wanted to tell your mother because you thought she might be more understanding, but you knew she could not keep this secret from your father. At times, you even thought of taking your own life or running away, but you loved Brett too much to do that to him. Your youth group was having a retreat, and you thought this might be a chance to take the bus up to Chicago where your aunt and uncle live. Then, you thought that one of them might be able to call your Mom and explain the situation. That way you didn’t have to be at home when your Dad found out. Besides, your aunt and uncle were your sponsors at your Baptism and had always been kind to you, and you knew that they wouldn’t throw you out if your Dad disowned you. Brett agreed that this was a good idea, and he would tell his parents that same weekend. Brett wasn’t sure how they would respond either, but he thought that after some time, they might let Megan move in with them. But he felt they would need some time to get over the shock. Only if your coach asks you probing questions or gives you homework to identify them, you admit struggling with the following idols:

Page 115

115 Cravings • Want acceptance from your parents, especially your father who has always adored you. • Want to have this baby and have him be healthy, and have ALL his grandparents love him. • Want to marry Brett, and raise your child in a happy home. • Want acceptance from friends at church, whom you fear will judge and condemn you and Brett. Fears • You are afraid that Brett might not want to get married, or even if he does, that he will leave you after a year or two of working hard to pay support for a new baby and wife. • You are afraid of going to church where you think everyone will look down on you, especially since you are the pastor’s daughter. • You are afraid that you will not finish high school or have any kind of future in music. • You are afraid that friends might abandon you because you won’t be able to do all the things you used to do with them. Judgments • You tend to judge other church members, whom you believe are hypocritical and self-righteous. You have sacrificed passport with your parents, especially your Dad, by running away to Chicago. By giving in to your desires and being intimate before marriage, you are sacrificing your education and your future in music, and putting undue pressure on yourself, your parents, and Brett. Although you believe abortion is wrong, you have thought about it, sacrificing what you believe Scripture teaches on this. Then, you feel guilty for even having such thoughts. How could you sacrifice an innocent life because of your own sin? How could God love such a horrible sinner as you?

Page 116

116 Coaching Practicum Case Study #3 Brett’s Secret Facts You and Megan were shocked and afraid when you found out that she was pregnant. You had only been intimate a few times, and both of you felt that someday you would be married, although neither of you really talked about that openly. You never used condoms because you never really planned to have sex – you just got caught up in the mood and things just happened. However, you love Megan and justify what has happened because of your deep love for each other. You felt your parents would be hurt when they found out, but you also believed they would be understanding over time. But, you were afraid that Megan’s father would hit the ceiling as soon as he found out, and you were fearful of what he would do to you and to his own daughter. You and Megan both felt he would disown Megan. Megan seemed happy that she was pregnant and said that this would lead to you being married even earlier than she had hoped. However, you had a different perspective when you first learned about the pregnancy. You were not ready to be married, and you had no plans on being a father when your whole future lay ahead of you. You told Megan that you would be willing to pay for an abortion. But Megan seemed hurt and told you that abortion was not right. She said the Bible teaches that abortion was a form of murder, so she told you that abortion was not an option. You and Megan argued for a while, and both of you ending up crying. Eventually, however, you agreed to support Megan in her decision to keep the baby, however you could, and you both decided to wait to tell your parents until after you had some time to think. But, you still aren’t convinced that you should be married. You told Megan that it was too early to talk about that until you both had talked to your parents. Secretly, however, you do not want to be married this young. You still would like to play the field a little before settling down in a marriage and having children. You were ready to tell your parents as soon as you learned about the pregnancy, but you had both agreed that you should tell both sets of parents at the same time. You and Megan were terrified about telling Megan’s dad. Megan thought her mom would be supportive, but you both felt that her dad might disown her as a daughter and kick her out of the house. You both feel guilty and ashamed, but you are also defensive because of your love for Megan. When pressed about having pre-marital sex, you bristle because “everyone does it,” and “at least I’m not running out on my girl.” You also point out that you “don’t have sex with just anyone – only the girl I love.” Megan decided that she would use this past weekend to go to her aunt and uncle’s home in Chicago and call her mom from there. Her mom and her aunt (Helen’s sister) are close, and Megan knew that she could trust her aunt and uncle to protect her from her dad if he became really angry. She also felt she could live with them if she had to. Then you agreed to tell your parents that same weekend.

Page 117

117 Your parents were angrier than you thought they would be at first, and your mom was deeply hurt. She ran out of the room to her bedroom, slammed the door, and cried for over an hour. Your dad yelled at you for hurting your mother. But you were able to talk through things over the evening and next day, and your parents assured you that they would help guide you in being responsible for your part in this. However, your father indicated that you had to pay all your own expenses and would have to provide child support all on your own. They agreed to let you both live there for a short time until you could get your own apartment. They weren’t sure that you should get married, but felt you should live together so that you could both take care of your parenting responsibilities. Your dad also suggested giving the baby up for adoption, but your mother started to cry again and the subject was dropped. So now your biggest worry is about Megan. She has talked to her parents by phone and is coming home, and she wants you to be with her when she meets her parents. You are deathly afraid of Megan’s dad, but your love for Megan convinces you that you should be there for her. So you agree, but want counsel before you see Megan’s folks. That’s why you agreed to meet with your coach. Only if your coach asks you probing questions or gives you homework to identify them, you admit struggling with the following idols: Cravings • You want Megan to be safe and happy, even if it means her getting an abortion; • You want to go to vo-tech next year and get a good job to support Megan and her baby; • You want acceptance from Megan’s parents, whom you have always felt judged you, especially her Dad. Fears • You fear Megan’s dad will try to hurt you physically and by reputation; • You won’t be able to go to school and end up marrying Megan and living on minimum wages for the rest of your life; • You are afraid that you will lose your friends (guys) because you won’t be free to do things with them (play video games, just going out with the guys); • Marrying Megan and always competing for her love with her father, whom you fear will always hate you. Judgments • You judge Megan’s dad and his church for their legalistic attitudes and unrealistic expectations that everyone has to be perfect to be Christian; • You judge Megan’s dad as a big-time hypocrite.

Page 118

118 Coaching Practicum Case Study #3 Helen’s Secret Facts You and your husband are totally blind-sighted by this unbelievable news. Megan has always been a perfect child: good student, great athlete, popular, disciplined, and beautiful. She is musically talented and talked about going to music school. You and Bob adore your daughter. You have always put her up on a pedestal, and you would do anything to see her succeed. Megan’s pregnancy brings shame to your family, especially since Bob is the pastor of a conservative church. Bob is furious that his daughter was caught fornicating with that liberal kid who has deceived her and taken her captive into the pits of hell. Bob hates Brett. You aren’t close to Brett, but you have more understanding than Bob towards Megan and her boyfriend. Sometimes you blame your husband for being too strict with Megan when you tried to be more balanced. Bob demanded early curfews, but you often extended them. Bob restricted her from spending too much time with Brett and other boys, but you tended to show a soft heart and gave Megan a little more leeway. You are heart-broken about what is happening, and you react by blaming Bob for trying to make your family the “perfect Christian family.” As a pastor’s wife, you feel like you live in a glass house, and so everything has to look good for other people, especially the leaders in the church. Bob tends to fly off the handle when you or Megan don’t do things just right. You always smile at people at church and act like everything is great at home. But reality is that you and Bob often have arguments that end up in you crying and Bob storming out of the room. You feel Bob judges you and Megan for making him look bad as a pastor or not living up to the expectations of the church members as a pastor’s wife. Sometimes guilt overwhelms you. You hurt because Megan also feels the pressure of being the pastor’s kid. Although she participates in church youth group activities, most of her friends are not from the church because she is the pastor’s daughter. So you often defend Megan and try to compensate for Bob’s strictness, which causes fights with him. Megan sometimes uses this to her advantage, asking you for permission when her Dad is gone, knowing she can get away with much more with you. Even though you understand this, you sometimes compensate by giving in too easily when you know you shouldn’t. Now that Megan is pregnant, you feel guilt that your family is living a lie, pretending that you are the perfect Christian family when you know that your family is constantly in conflict. You feel that all three of you have become self-righteous, often judging others in the church. Inside, however, you are jealous of many members who don’t have to live in glass houses and seem to be comfortable in who they are, warts and all. You sometimes resent Bob being a pastor – It feels like you are in a zoo cage where people look at you and are free to do what they please, but you can’t escape.

Page 119

119 You have no real close friends except your sister in Chicago. You wish you live closer to her. You are afraid to develop friendships in the church because you are the pastor’s wife and people don’t protect your confidences. You have a couple of friends at work, but you don’t socialize because Bob’s schedule just doesn’t allow it. When talking to your coach, you vacillate between being angry, sad, remorseful, and guilty. You talk about being fearful of what others will think, especially the deacons. You blame your husband Bob at times, then yourself, and then Brett. In addition to the above items mentioned, if your coach asks you specifically or gives you homework, you reflect on the following idols: Cravings • A normal family that doesn’t have to pretend everything is perfect; • A husband who can accept you for who you are and loves his daughter without over-directing her life; • A personal friend or sister who lives nearby that you can share personal feelings with and not be afraid that she will tell others in the church; • Bob to accept Megan’s boyfriend so that they can be married and raise your new grandchild. Fears • Bob will disown your daughter and become even more bitter and legalistic; • People in the church will judge you and Megan; • Bob will lose respect and his job in the church for what has happened, and for them living a lie (“our family is perfect; no problems in our house”); • Megan will feel pressured to have an abortion or give your grandchild away in adoption. Judgments • You are critical of others in the church whose children seem perfect to you (go to college; get married and have children at the right time; get great paying jobs; buy large homes and drive new cars; etc.); • You are angry with Bob for his harsh judgments of you and Megan, forcing her to find love in all the wrong places. However, you are open to counsel from your friend. Listen carefully and respond to God’s Word shared with you. You deeply desire to hear the good news of forgiveness and God’s love for you. If your coach shares it with you, respond very positively. You also seek help in learning to forgive your husband, your daughter, Brett, and even yourself.

Page 120

120 12. Bibliography All of these resources contain information that is beneficial to Christian reconcilers. However, Ambassadors of Reconciliation does not necessarily endorse each one in its entirety. Biblical Helps • Campbell, Brian. Pearls: Scriptures to Live by. Lake Mary, Florida: New Horizons Press, 1994. • Kruis, John G. Quick Scripture Reference for Counseling. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 3rd ed. 2000. • Miller, Patricia. Quick Scripture Reference for Counseling Women. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 2002. • Sproul, R.C. Knowing Scripture. Downers Grove: Intervarsity Press, 1977. • Vine, W.E. Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words. Iowa Falls: Word Bible Publishers, 1981. Church Conflict • Adams, Jay E. Sibling Rivalry in the Household of God. Denver: Accent Books, 1988. • Barthel, Tara Klena and David V. Eding, Redeeming Church Conflicts: Turning Crisis into Compassion and Care. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2012. • Buzzard, Lynn R. and Laurence Eck, Tell It To the Church. Elgin: David C. Cook Publishing Co., 1982. • Dobsen, Edward G., Speed B. Leas, and Marshall Shelley. Mastering Conflict and Controversy. Portland: Multnomah Press, 1992. • Edwards, Gene. Crucified by Christians. Sargent, Ga.: The SeedSowers, 1994. • Enroth, Ronald M. Churches That Abuse. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1992. • Fenton, Horace L., Jr. When Christians Clash. Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity Press, 1987.

Page 121

121 • Flynn, Leslie B. When the Saints Come Storming In. Wheaton: Victor Books, 1988. • Gangel, Kenneth O., and Samuel L. Canine. Communication and Conflict Management in Churches and Christian Organizations. Nashville: Broadman Press, 1992. • Goetz, David. “Forced Out: How Likely Are You to be Fired or Pressured to Resign? The Startling Results of Leadership’s New, Nationwide Study.” Leadership, Volume XVII, Number 1, Winter 1996. • Halverstadt, Hugh F. Managing Church Conflict. Louisville: Westminster/John Knox Press, 1991. • Haugk, Kenneth C. Antagonists in the Church. Minneapolis: Augsburg, 1988. • Huttenlocker, Keith. Conflict and Caring. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1988. • Kniskern, J. Warren. Courting Disaster. Nashville: Broadman and Holman, 1995. • Kober, Ted. Built on the Rock: The Healthy Congregation. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2017. • Lowry, L. Randolph, and Richard W. Meyers. Conflict Management and Counseling. Word Inc., 1991. • Martin, Frank. War in the Pews. Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity Press, 1995. • Qualben, James. Peace in the Parish. San Antonio: LangMarc Publishing, 1991. • Shelley, Marshall. Leading Your Church Through Conflict and Reconciliation. Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 1997. • Susek, Ron. Firestorm: Preventing and Overcoming Church Conflicts. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Books, 1999. • Thomas, Marlin E. Resolving Disputes in Christian Groups. Winnipeg: Windflower Communications, 1994. • van der Linde, Dirk. When It’s Christian vs. Christian. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House.

Page 122

122 • Van Yperen, Jim. Making Peace: A Guide to Overcoming Church Conflict. Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2002. • Wecks, John. Free to Disagree. Grand Rapids: Kregel Resources, 1996. Church Discipline • Adams, Jay E. Handbook on Church Discipline. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1986. • Baker, Don. Beyond Forgiveness. Portland: Multnomah Press, 1984. • Buzzard, Lynn, and Thomas Brandon. Church Discipline and the Courts. Wheaton: Tyndale, 1987. • Commission on Theology and Church Relations of the LCMS. Church Discipline in the Christian Congregation. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1985. • Gage, Ken and Joy. Restoring Fellowship. Chicago: Moody Press, 1984. • MacNair, Donald J. Restoration God’s Way. Philadelphia: Great Commissions Publications, 1978. • Oden, Thomas C. Corrective Love: The Power of Communion Discipline. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1995. • South, Tommy. That We May Share His Holiness. Abilene: Bible Guides, 1997. • White, John, and Ken Blue. Healing the Wounded. Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity Press, 1985. Church Organization/Management • Adams, Jay E. Sibling Rivalry in the Household of God. Denver: Account Books, 1988. • Kober, Ted. “Policy-Based Board Governance.” November 2008 Article available at https://www.aorhope.org/articles • Kober, Ted and Ken Sande. Cultivating Lifestyles of Reconciliation. Billings, MT: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2009.

Page 123

123 • Kober, Ted. “Policy-Based Board Governance in Lutheran Congregations.” Billings, MT: Ambassadors of Reconciliation web site. (https://www.aorhope.org/articles) • Mack, Wayne A., and David Swavely. Life in the Father’s House. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 1996. Counseling • Koehler, Walter J. Counseling & Confession: The Role of Confession and Absolution in Pastoral Counseling, New ed. St. Louis, Missouri: Concordia Seminary Press, 2011. • Petty, James C. Step by Step: Divine Guidance for Ordinary Christians. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: P&R Publishing, 1999. • Schlossberg, Herbert. Idols for Destruction: Christian Faith and its Confrontation with American Society. Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1983. • Tripp, Paul David. Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 1998. • Tripp, Paul David. Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 2002. • Tripp, Paul David. War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 2000. • Welch, Edward T. Addictions—A Banquet in the Grave: Finding Hope in the Power of the Gospel. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 2001. • Welch, Edward T. Blame It on the Brain? Distinguishing Chemical Imbalances, Brain Disorders and Disobedience. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 1998. • Welch, Edward T. When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 1997. • Welch, Edward T. and Gary Steven Shogren. Addictive Behavior. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1995.

Page 124

124 • Welch, Edward T. and Gary Steven Shogren. Running in Circles: How to Find Freedom from Addictive Behavior. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1995. Forgiveness • Adams, Jay E. From Forgiven to Forgiving. Wheaton: Victor Books, 1989. • Kober, Ted. Confession & Forgiveness: Professing Faith as Ambassadors of Reconciliation. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2002. • Morison, Patrick H. Forgive! As the Lord Forgave You. Phillipsburg, N.J.: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 1987. • Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2rd ed. 2004. Legal Liability • Buzzard, Lynn R., and Dan Hall. Clergy Confidentiality: A Time to Speak and a Time to Be Silent. Christian Management Association, PO Box 4638, Diamond Bar, CA 91765, 1988. • Bloss, Julie L. The Church Guide to Employment Law. Christian Ministry Resources, PO Box 1098, Matthews, NC 28106, 1993. • Couser, Richard B. Managing Risks: First Steps in Identifying Congregational Liability. Minneapolis, Minnesota: Augsburg Fortress, 1993. • Couser, Richard B. Ministry and the American Legal System. Minneapolis, Minnesota: Fortress Press, 1993. • Couser, Richard B., and Mary Wilke. Sexual Misconduct in the Church. Orr and Reno Professional Association, PO Box 709, Concord, NH 03303-0709. • Eidsmoe, John. The Christian Legal Advisor. Milford, Michigan: Mott Media, Inc., 1984. • Hammar, Richard R. Pastor, Church and Law. Matthews, North Carolina: CMR Press, 3rd ed. 2000. • Hammar, Richard R., Steven W. Kilpowicz, and James F. Cobble, Jr. Reducing the Risk of Child Abuse in Your Church. Christian Ministry Resources, PO Box 1098, Matthews, NC 28106, 1993.

Page 125

125 • House, H. Wayne. Christian Ministries and the Law. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1992. • Kasper, Dennis R. Balancing Prevention and Risk. Pasadena: Fuller Theological Seminary, 1993. • Lansing, Carl F. Legal Defense Handbook. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1992. • Levicoff, Steve. Christian Counseling and the Law. Chicago: Moody Press, 1991. Marital Conflict • Adams, Jay E. Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1980. • Chapman, Gary. Hope for the Separated. Chicago: Moody Press, 1982. • Dobson, James. Love Must Be Tough. Waco: Word, 1983. • Kniskern, J. Warren. When the Vow Breaks. Nashville: Broadman and Holman, 1993. • Talley, Jim. Reconcilable Differences. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1985. • Wheat, Ed. How to Save Your Marriage Alone. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1983. Negotiation/Mediation/Arbitration • Commission on Theology and Church Relations of the LCMS. 1 Corinthians 6:1-11: An Exegetical Study. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1991. • Fisher, Roger, William Ury, and Bruce Patton. Getting to Yes. New York: Penguin Books, 2nd ed. 1991. • Jones, G. Brian, and Linda Phillips-Jones. A Fight to the Better End. Wheaton: Victor Books, 1989. • Kober, Ted and Ken Sande. Cultivating Lifestyles of Reconciliation. Billings, MT: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2009. • Lovenheim, Peter. Mediate, Don’t Litigate. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1989.

Page 126

126 • Moore, Christopher W. The Mediation Process. Jossey-Bass, Inc., 1986. • Sande, Ken and Ted Kober. Guiding People through Conflict. Billings, MT: Peacemaker Ministries, 2004. Personal Peacemaking • ----. Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation (Bible study and coaching guide). Billings, Montana: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2017. • ----. Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? (Bible study and coaching guide). Billings, Montana: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2016. • Kober, Ted. Confession & Forgiveness: Professing Faith as Ambassadors of Reconciliation. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2002. • Kober, Ted and Ken Sande. Cultivating Lifestyles of Reconciliation. Billings, MT: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2009. • Sande, Corlette. The Young Peacemaker. Billings, MT: Peacemaker Ministries, 1997. • Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 3rd ed. 2004. • Sande, Ken and Ted Kober. Guiding People through Conflict. Billings, MT: Peacemaker Ministries, 2004. • Sandmann, Donald. How to Resolve Conflicts: Empowered by Christ. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House. Reconciliation Ministry Kober, Ted and Ken Sande. Cultivating Lifestyles of Reconciliation. Billings, Montana: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2009. Sexual Misconduct • --. Responding to Sexual Temptation in a High Tech Society. (Bible study and DVD). Billings, Montana: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2008. • Anderson, Bill. When Child Abuse Comes to Church. Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 1992.

Page 127

Page 128

128 13. Additional Resources Training Courses Seminars and practicums equip all the saints and especially prepare reconcilers for serving Christ as ambassadors of reconciliation. • Blessed Are the Peacemakers Seminar Full-day Bible study seminar on personal peacemaking. Participants learn practical ways to apply biblical peacemaking in daily life through study of the Scriptures, the Lutheran Confessions and contemporary stories. Encourages personal peacemaking in individuals’ lives and builds support for a congregation’s Reconciliation Ministries. • Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? Seminar Full-day Bible study seminar on personal peacemaking, reviewing the six chief parts of Luther’s Small Catechism. Participants learn how the ministry of reconciliation flows out of the fundamental doctrines of our faith. Guides Christians in practical ways to live out the faith we profess in the conflicts of everyday life. • Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation Seminar Full-day Bible study seminar on personal peacemaking, contrasting conflict resolution with reconciliation. Participants learn how the ministry of reconciliation flows out of the fundamental teachings of the Bible. Guides Christians in practical ways to live out the faith we process in the conflicts of everyday life. • Coaching Practicum (schedule 6-8 months after a seminar) Two-day live training event (with advance preparation homework) teaches Christians how to use Scripture’s basic peacemaking principles in coaching others through their conflicts. Through demonstration and personal role-playing, participants practice the skills taught. Required for preparing a church’s reconcilers. Personal exercise on announcing God’s grace to a confessing partner proves to be a life changing experience for many. • Mediation Practicum (schedule 6-8 months after a coaching practicum) Two-day practicum (with the same advance preparation homework as coaching) equips believers for mediating two or more disputing parties using biblical processes. Following demonstrations, the participants practice skills in short and longer exercises to help reinforce the training. Necessary for a

Page 129

Page 130

130 Resources for Peacemaking Coaching Bookmarks (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2010). Twelve bookmarks each make finding the right Bible passage easy and provide a great way for someone to remember you coaching. Bible Studies Based on Coaching Bookmarks: Short Reproducible Bible studies work great for one to three sessions. Also ideal for coaching homework assignments. Choose from Careless Talk, Anger, Bitterness, Love Others, Authority, Suffering, Identify for single session; or Fears, Cravings and Misplaced Trust for a 3 session study. Devotion Booklet: Forgiven to Forgive (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2010). Six weeks of daily devotions offers meditations on reconciliation. Ideal for family and personal devotions, staff devotions, accompanying any 6-week Bible study, special seasons such as Lent, and preparing for mediation or other reconciliation work. Devotion CD Set: Forgiven to Forgive (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2010). Too busy to read your daily devotions? This CD set is for you! All forty-two of the devotions from the Forgiven to Forgive booklet are recorded on two CD’s for easy listening while driving to work, exercising, doing home chores, or just sitting in your favorite chair. Music CD Set: Be Still, My Soul (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2010). Be Still, My Soul features 45 hymns of praise and peace played on the sweet sounding dulcimer by Jeff Hansen. Bible Study: Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2016). Six-lesson Bible study presents reconciliation while reviewing the six chief parts of Luther’s Small Catechism. Great for large and small groups. With application questions at the end of each chapter, the study works well in independent study and coaching others through conflict. Bible Study: Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2017). Six-lesson Bible study contrasting conflict resolution with reconciliation. Participants learn how the ministry of reconciliation flows out of the fundamental teachings of the Bible. Guides Christians in practical ways to live out the faith we process in the conflicts of everyday life. Great for large and small groups. With application questions at the end of each chapter, the study works well in independent study and coaching others through conflict. Bible Study: Blessed Are the Peacemakers (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2005). Six-lesson Bible study reviews the basic teachings of Scripture for biblical peacemaking. With the Gospel clearly articulated in each lesson, this study is written from a distinctly Lutheran perspective. Great for individuals, small and large groups, and retreats. Bible Study & DVD: Responding to Sexual Temptation in a High Tech Society. This six-lesson Bible study helps readers understand how to address the contemporary temptation of dealing with Internet pornography, television sexuality, and other media through both Law and Gospel application. DVD vignettes provide great discussion opportunities for group studies and family counseling. DVD: Lifestyles of Reconciliation: An Interview with Ted Kober. This DVD introduces basic reconciliation principles from Scripture with contemporary stories that illustrate miracles of reconciliation in the midst of conflict. Divided into 15 segments, it’s great for illustrating sermons and opening discussion sessions. Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness pamphlets. An easy-to-use format guides people in confessing sin and proclaiming God’s forgiveness to one another using Scripture. Announcing God’s Grace pamphlets. This simple tool guides Christians in confessing sins and announcing God’s grace to one another using words from Scripture. (more formal than Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness). Peacemaking Principles pamphlets. Tri-fold pamphlet summarizes the basics from the Bible study and from Ken Sande’s book, The Peacemaker. The Slippery Slope, the Peacemaker’s Pledge, and other basic principals are included on this simple-to-use tool. Confession & Forgiveness by Ted Kober (CPH, 2002). Explore how Christians can serve as ambassadors of reconciliation through daily confession and forgiveness. Learn from the Scriptures, the Lutheran Confessions and contemporary stories how to recover and employ this blessing in your own life. Call 406/698-6107 or visit www.aorhope.org