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Tracy K asks,Have you ever been in abuse relationship? I have for almost 2 years some time ago. And it still hurts metill this day. I carry it with me everywhere. If you’ve been in one what did you do? Or if you have anyadvice.Che’dra tips,I think before a certain level of maturity and growth all relationships are abusive. But to answer youdirectly, I have. I don’t know if you’re saying you’re in an abusive relationship now, or if you’re sayingyou were a few years ago. Regardless, you’re saying you carry the pain with you presently, so whetheryou were together now or before doesn’t really matter. Time is relative. My first piece of advice would beto begin uncovering what that hurt and pain feels like. Allow yourself to hurt. Why does it hurt that youwere abused? Begin to explain it to yourself? Begin a conversation, and actively listen to yourself. Howyou talk to yourself doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you. The point is to unapologetically sayanything your body has to and let her feel safe to express and be heard. Don’t shy from anything youfeel, your body is holding on to it because you haven’t let it go, and in order to let it go, you have to let itflow through you and if it hurts then it’s def gone hurt while it’s moving and pain is okay. So, step 1. Feeland flow. my next thing was needing armation from an abusive ex. I wanted to say things like, “Youabused me,” or “You hurt me,” or “You put your hands on me” or “You called me out my name anddisrespected me” but it didn’t matter to them. Just because you decide to set boundaries for yourselfdoesn’t mean they’ll be respected and uplifted. It just means you did. And new boundaries to an abuserjust causes new problems. Now the person that loved you enough to hit you won’t even deal with youbecause you’ve delegated some of your love to yourself and they only want you when you give your all tothem. Then an abuser always feels like they have justification for their abuse. I’m here to tell you itdoesn’t matter what happened, there was no excuse. It doesn’t matter how anybody felt, there was noreason. I’m begging you to look to yourself when you need armation. When you need apologies. Whenyou need closure. Set up your mirror space and begin that conversation with yourself. Your abuserdoesn’t care, and if they do it won't be how you need it, but how they need you. Finally, releasing the factthat someone abused me. I believe that I abused myself. Unless someone has me tied down andkidnapped and leaving isn’t an option. It was hardest for me to look at myself in the mirror and acceptthat I had opened myself up to abuse, I opened the door for it, walked in that bitch and sat downwillingly while the door was still open and stayed to be abused. Taking accountability for yourself is thehardest thing. I thought I loved myself, but my actions didn’t align with them thoughts. What someonewants is what they’re around. I wanted to be abused. Look yourself in the mirror and say, “I wanted to beabused” when it starts to hurt, say three times more, “I abused myself.” Anything that you feel, live inand live like is your standards for yourself. Even accept that fact that you’re still carrying the pain,because you are choosing to do. Say, “I have pain” and when you’re ready to move past these choices,then pick your next ones. Mine were, “I choose to love myself like I loved you” and “I have forgiveness.”Find your pain. Feel past your pain. Choose more than pain. My advice is, I love you. love you. you. Ittook me so long to work through this one because I’m currently healing through pent up trauma fromabuse. You are not alone in your pain, and when you think you are send in a question asking me how i’mhandling mine.January 2021

Him asks,Tell me how can I right my wrongs? How can I forgive myself for being someone who Iwouldn’t be proud of? How can I forgive myself for allowing ppl to hurt me? How could Iforgive them? How can I forgive myself for letting my life become my pain? I haven’t feltany genuine emotion for years , I don’t express myself for real because I know nobody isreally going to care , so I learned to hide my pain from the world , but now I’m numb.. Noreal empathy , sympathy, or happiness.. Just going with the flow.. The only thing I can feelis anger , I’m sooo over sadness , I become manic at times trying not to go into depression, it’s soooo hard for me to escape depression.. It’s really scary , my pain pushes all limits , Ican’t be around anyone without overthinking things , I literally think about killing at times, sometimes ppl , but myself mostly.. I’m scared.. I don’t wanna lose my mind , I hate thisfeeling of nothing , of empty and disregard.. I don’t know if I can be helped.. or if someonewould wanna help someone like me , I’m self destructing..Che’dra tips,Will I Ever Care - Velvetears I think my feelings are gone forever I don't think I'll ever get it together I don'teven miss you anymore I can't find anything worth living for I can't remember if I ever cared I can'tremember, will I ever care Will I ever care Can I even care Break me, break me outta here Take away all of myfears Show me, make it fuckin' clear Tell me, tell me why I'm here Will I ever even care Can I ever even careWill I ever even care Take away my fears I thought the lyrics of the song you’ve shared needed to be sharedalong with it. You can’t re-write/re-right your wrongs. You can only learn from your experience. You forgiveyourself for being someone you shouldn’t be proud of, by moving into who you want to be. And give yourselfthe grace of being bodily. Yourself is putting yourself through enough, to consider that you aren’t proud ofyou, either. If you’re gana be bad, be bad and don’t feel bad about it. Do anything you want to your desirescapacity and if it’s meant for you it’ll attract all, and if it’s not it’ll attract nothing. To pause before decisionmaking interrupts your flow, just flow, just be, just do. To pause after your decision making also interruptsyour flow, just be, just do. Love will come from anything you choose, it’s a matter of if it’ll be a love-lesson or alove-feeling filling. When you make choices, where and what you considered before making that choiceresonate in the flow of it’s process to consequences. If you make a choice to be bad, knowing you don’t wantto be in the first place, you’ll always feel aside yourself. Accept that there’s some of you that wants to actwhatever you think is “wrong” and that is okay. You wouldn’t know what you really wanted, if you didn’texperience what you didn’t. Stand tall in yourself, and your capacity to be all encompassing, and notone-sided even if it’s positive. Too much light can blind anyone. Be bad and be good in it, and it may work outfor you. The bad may not be fitting because of your fixed perspective of it, and how you begin with it. Youforgive yourself by accepting that must’ve been what you wanted. You’re typing it to me, YOU LET your life goto pain. YOU ALLOWED people to hurt you. Accept the circumstances YOU have surrounded yourself with andchange them. You have to move things out of your life, to get new into your life. Make space for yourself. Makespace to feel. Make space to express. You control you, and that’s the only thing you can even slightly steer,might as well ride w yourself till the wheels fall the fuck o. You can’t assume what someone is going to do.There’s a physics concept or study that was done somewhere (google it cause i don’t have the time to find itfor you) that proves that things in this world we live in change dependent upon being looked at. Meaning that

every single person that looks at anything will see something dierent because that something changes forthe eyes of the viewer. Energy responds to intention, so if you look at something with the intention of it notreceiving you then it won’t. Change your internal narrative and you change the world, literally. It will move asyou watch based upon your thoughts. I would say the first step would be to let ‘negativity’ flow through you,yell them, be them, feel them, and watch how that makes you feel. If it makes you feel good, then stay with itfor as long as it does.If it doesn’t your body, your mind, you will want to feel good. Sit with yourself, and beopen to staying where isn’t familiar or shifting positions for yourself when you’re uncomfortable. It’s likesitting in a weird position for too long, you’ll move. So why is your mind stuck somewhere it doesn’t feel goodat? Because you just haven’t moved, yet. Your body will naturally fight whatever you’re trying to stop the flowof. You will become manic if you try to ignore what you feel. The definition of Manic - relating to or aectedby mania; showing wild, apparently deranged, excitement and energy. If you have a river, and you stop it’sflow, the water will keep flowing and create a new path from where it should’ve been. Same with emotions.They flow like a river. If you stop them, they will still flow, just elsewhere and where it’s not supposed. Itmakes sense to feel wild, because your emotions aren’t on their path, it’s in wild territory. You feel a surplusof energy because it’s overflowing from blockage. You don’t have to escape depression but accept it and playin it. Play under pressure. Find yourself in your depression and get comfortable with wherever you are, so youcan tell you where you need to go. All of our pain pushes all limits. It’s not just you. All of our emotionsfluctuate between depressions and elevations. Its not just you. All of us have considered death. Its not justyou. Everything you are experiencing is natural. You are natural. You’re human and it seems like you’veforgotten. You’re alive. You are a living thing. Your body breathes. Remember that. You aren’t just here. Youdon’t just wake up every day. You’re alive. Consider the world and not just yourself, and then consideryourself in the world. Killing yourself will lead to more “nothing;” you might want to stick with some-thing-sif you don’t like how you’re feeling. Only you can help yourself and what you project is what you receive. Ifyou’re self destructing then you’ll attract destruction. Change your internal narrative. Even the song youshared is contradictory to what you’re feeling. You are feeling a lot and you’re feeling the fight you’re causingin it. Accept yourself. Will I Ever Care - Velvetears - Remix with Guruche I think my feelings are here I have toget it together I miss myself I live solely for me I forgot purposely I forgot on purpose I want to care What if Iasked myself to? Break me Take away my fears Show me Make it motherfucking clear Tell me why I’m here. Ithink I care I think I care Take away my fear I love you.Che'dra 9 months agoDecember 2020

TeAmo asks,Do u still write ?.Che’dra tips,I do, I wrote that years ago. now it's repurposed in another poem, i'm sure.November 2020

Aunna asks,I’m going through a tough break up. I’m having a hard time picking up the pieces. This is the worst break upI’ve ever had. How did you deal with your break up? How you did you deal with someone lying to you.Che’dra tips,Break ups are hard, but you aren't in pieces you're in pain. Rest deeply, treat yourself with the same love andneed that you expected from your previous partner. I don't have much information here to guide you but I'llgive you some questions to consider that I've used in every one of my relationships. 1. Does this person serveme? 2. If my inner child saw me with this person would my baby fantasies be fulfilled? 3. Do we align withoutexplanation and compromise? 4. Am I living a life I want to live outside of the love in my life? 5. Can I grow oldwith who I'm with; in reference to all seasons and stages of life? 6. Do I feel safe? I would take a second to lookat pictures of yourself before the relationship, 7. do you miss yourself as you miss this person? When youchoose yourself, everything you love, want and need will choose you and fall into line as it's supposed to;surrender to yourself.Che'dra 10 months agoNovember 2020

Tori asks,Hello. Not sure how to do this but, I have a question. What if you feel as if you met the one you were meant tobe with but then things go south and you split o into dierent paths. Meanwhile, God just so happened to putsomeone good for you in your life. This new one is there for me, loves me, respects me, for everything that Ihave and am. More so than who I thought I was meant to be with. How do I let go of that feeling that I am stillmeant to be with the last person when this new person shows so many signs that they are the better choicefor me?Let me back it up a bit. My ex (let’s call him Paul) and I went to high school together. He was popular and I wasnot. I always liked him since the day I met him but he didn’t know me at all (that’s my bad lol I was shy). Thenhe left the school and I thought I wouldn’t see him again. We were liked on Facebook and Instagram but hedidn’t post much. He was always my first major crush... after hs I didn’t hear from him nor did I really thinkabout him. He was o my radar. I dated guys, none of them really were catching my heart and I saw that, afterfour or five messed up relationships, I found myself single again. And low and behold I see it’s Paul’s birthdayon Facebook. I get excited to see that he is single. I message him happy birthday with no response. (Didn’texpect one) and continue on with my life. A few months go by and I decide to finally try and talk to him. Likehang out. I message him on Instagram and he responds! We hang out and fromthere we pretty much are inseparable. We did Everything together (too much). Hewas the first guy I lived with and we were in love, like real love, nothing I’ve everfelt before. (And trust not bragging but I’ve tried many times) anyway there werelots of things (financially, mentally, physically) that we were trying to get overwithin our own lives. We broke up. For a month. Then we tried again after that. Itseemed like he didn’t want to be alone because he was living in our place we hadfor ourselves alone so he asked me to move back in. (At this point all of theailments we were going through in the beginning of the relationship we thoughtwas over) so I moved in, he bought me a car. Life was good. Really good. Thensomething happened and it sunk us down to the worst part of things. We tried tostick through it but he was so discouraged with his situation that he just said noand he pretty much may have looked at me as his “unlucky charm”. Either way. Wekept seeing each other for a few months after that but we were seeing other people. I then met a guy, my bfnow, (let’s call him Doug) and he is in the same professional goals as me (medicine), we like all the same thingsand we get along pretty well. Anyway he is very kind to me (as was Paul) but for some reason I feel like Dougloves me more and if Paul loved me at all why would he be okay with losing me? Doug on the other hand isvery kind and makes an eort every day, he seems like a good match for me and maybe some Being abovewanted to show me what being in a loving relationship should be like or something but I can’t see myself withDoug how I saw myself with Paul. (Future life, family, traveling, adventures) I try and Doug and I go places butI can’t stop that feeling of how connected I felt with Paul. I’m so lost and I really don’t know what to dobecause I mean I live with Doug but Paul is in Every Single One of my dreams and I can’t shake it. I know thatmay mean that I have some unresolved things with this but damn. Paul and I don’t talk. He told me (and Iknow he means it) that he does not believe that he will get into another relationship ever. (He hascommitment issues, which is another reason we broke up, he bought me a ring and got scared) But I calledhim last week to discuss the car title and even that little one minute phone call warned my heart. I just feel

sorrow when I go home because how can I tell Doug (when our lease is up) that I want to be single. Paul saidwe should take a break (no communication) for a year or so. I am giving him time but it’s so hard for me.There is my situation. Please help any way you can.Che’dra tips,oooweee girl. I'm going to try to respond line by line. If you met the one you were supposed to be with, thenyou will be together no matter where your paths stray to. However, if you describe this new person as "better"than the other then I think you should reconsider your options. Love is an action word and you can care forsomeone without loving them. Love doesn't lack the attributes of person number two. You don't let go of thefeeling you let it move through you so that it doesn't resurface or come back up again. I don't think the wayperson number one responded to your eorts is a way for healthy love to begin. For years he seemeduninterested and you remained interested, and then all of a sudden he cares? Nah, he might've just beensingle. If you aren't agreeing financially, mentally and physically then you're just not agreeing. He got lonelyafter you broke up and asked for you back that's loneliness not love. Glad you got a car out of it though. Heshould've never called you back if his intentions weren't more than just companionship. Also, you can lovesomeone and lose them. Love isn't just staying because you want someone. If it hurts. If it's not healthy. If it'snot getting better. If one side outweighs another. If you're bringing eachother down. Those are all goodreasons to split paths and still love someone just as much as you did when you were together. Sometimespeople aren't just seasonal and long-term people in your life, sometimes they do stay forever but youremotions come in seasons with them instead of their presence if that makes sense. You shouldn't comparetheir loves for you at all. You should be thinking about how you love them and what that means for you. It's allabout perspective. It's selfish to pick the one that loves you more. You pick the one that you love more and youif you love them then all of their issues aren't issues but obstacles for you both to overcome. But at the sametime, you can move through an obstacle course with someone, taking turns with who makes moves first andyou can push eachother and help eachother. If those obstacles instead leave you drained and unfulfilled thenit's not living in love, even though you care. Love has no definition but we know what it's not. Love is notdraining, dismissive, or unlucky. You stay where you feel good, not where someone makes you feel good at.Someone above did want you to see what something closer to love feels like. I'm sure guy number one lovedyou to his capacity. The question is, is that the capacity that you can settle for after experiencing personnumber two? My advice would be no, do not settle for anything. It's in your dreams because you want him tobe. You want him to be around you and doing better than he was. You never let go of him. You never movedthrough the closure feelings because if you had we wouldnt be here. You dealt with him and still dealt withothers and someone came around to make you question his character; but if that person hadn't i'm sure youboth would be doing the same back and forth that you were. But i don't think anything happens by accident orcoincidence. I don't think right now is y'alls time. That doesn't mean you can't love someone just as deeply butdierently. You have to take care of you first aside from the things you love. Don't listen to your thoughts, feelhow you feel. and the energy I feel reading this, is that guy number one disappoints you. Guy number twomight not be enough solely because you haven't given him the space to be. You're trying to fit him in anotherperson's role of which you've titled by person number one's name. And in all honesty, you might not end upwith either one. You might've just needed the journey to fully move into the next person/season of your life.Focus on loving yourself, we are connected to all things and especially those we love and are in love with.

Telling Doug that you want to be single isn't going to be easy but if he takes care of you like you're telling methen there shouldn't be a problem with what you want. I think it's best for him as well, considering there'ssome things you need to clear up in your psyche before you can give him the things he wants and needs andthat's only fair. But also you should stop focusing so much on a title for the person, because that's what hasyou confused. If you just focused on your feelings and lived in them as transparently as your comfortable andhave communicated then you wouldn't be breaking up with anyone but just talking about how you feel withthem. Focus on love from now on, and not relationships and love beginning from within. Ima just say Paul isweird for needing a year of space and knowing how much time he needs yk? I feel like when my heartsbroken, and most people, in general, we never know how long it's going to last and usually leave space for theperson we love to fix it. It's like he scheduled you and it seems as if you're okay with it. You are more than guy1. You are more than guy 2. You are more than your doubts. You are more than a lack of responses. You aremore than someone else's schedule. You are more than wondering how someone feels for you. You are morethan your confusion. Say what you want Choose what you want Speak what you want Arm what you wantStand in what you want (want is interchangeable with love) I hear what you're giving Paul. I hear what Doug usgiving you. I don't hear what you're giving yourself.Summer 2021