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Message Building Your New Cloud Nine(& the 4 “divorces”that can get youthere!)

Building Your "New Cloud Nine"Like individuals, intimate relationships evolve through stages. Transitions between thesestages often bring tension with one partner feeling it first. Doubt creeps in—aboutourselves, the relationship, and our choices—because the relationshipisat risk.But this threat is necessary. We've outgrown the old dynamic. We can either walk away andstart all over again with someone else, or intentionally “divorce” the old relationship andrebuildtogether—creating a new, thriving connection based on who we are today.Let's look together at the stages our longterm relationships go through and the tensionpoints that push us to grow together, or apart.

"Turbulence"(From “Turbulence”sung by P!nk, written by Matt Koma & Madison Love)Close your eyes,Pretend your driving on a bumpy road at night;You can meet me in the corners of your mindWe can build a New Cloud 9!If you're alive,Then it means that you're committed to survive;That's enough to drain the life from you sometimes,But I'll hold on tight;You can't help when your stomach sinksSee your life happen in a flash,In your head, it could be so real,That you almost feel the crash;The panic is temporary,But I'll be permanent;So when it hits, don't forget,As scary as it getsIt's just turbulence.

Stage One - CRAVINGStage One is all about the “Zap! Zap!” We are falling in lllluuurrrvvveee! Weare filled with the excitement of discovering and being discovered.We feel seen. We are so excited to find someone with whom we have somuch in common.There is a delicious tension in not knowing exactly where this path isleading us, not knowing if it will last, not knowing if this is a relationshipthat will go the distance, but with so much magnetic attraction, we have tofind out!

Divorce #1: NEED to --> HAVE to•••We will say nothing and start leaving parts of who we are out of the relationship,We will say something and lose the relationship,We will say something, and the relationship will grow to the next stage.Over time, so much togetherness can start to feel stifling. Now we are either having oravoiding conflicts. We are starting to see our differences, and we don't always like what wesee. We might be thinking, “How can I miss you if you never go away?”Saying something can feel risky. What if this means we are over? If we don't take the riskand say it out loud, we start a pattern of hiding parts of ourselves. One of 3 things willhappen at this point:

Stage Two - CONTRACTSIf we successfully navigate the first divorce together, we will find ourselves workingconsciously through how we spend our time, making more room for the parts of our livesthat do not wrap around the relationship. We have more separate experiences, and so wehave more things to share when we come back together. We have put more air between us,in a good way.In this stage we often find a bit of a groove -- I take care of these things, you take care ofthose things. We make spoken and unspoken contracts about how we make our lives worktogether.We are learning how to use partnership to multiply our strengths and minimize ourweaknesses. We find that we have a greater sense of stability together.

Divorce #2 - HAVE to --> CHOOSE toOur once-comfortable contracts now feel like obligations. We might feellimited by the relationship. We appreciate the stability we co-createdand we might not want to take the emotional risk required to say thatthis isn't fulfilling anymore.Before we are fully aware that we are discontented with therelationship, we might find that we are nitpicking or being nitpicked. Somany things feel annoying. We might find that we are fighting overstupid stuff, but we just can't seem to get out of the loop.We quietly, or maybe not so quietly, wonder why we even bother. Westart to have Relationship Suicidal Ideation, actively wondering whatlife would be like without the relationship.When we work together to figure out what it is about the relationshipthat needs to die that isn't the relationship itself, we can grow to thenext stage.

Stage Three - COMARADERIEAt this point, we've been taking progressively more challengingvulnerability risks. We've either found that we haven't been harmed orcut off by being ourselves, or, we've figured out ways to manage it if wehave. We collaborate better than we have in the past. Partners are givingfrom a more authentic place, and the sense of “we” has grown.We catch it more quickly when we are discontent and we've learned tolook for and address relationship discontent instead of nitpicking. Atleast, for the most part.Some of those risks still feel a bit too threatening. What we share isgood. Maybe good enough is good enough.

Divorce #3 - CHOOSE to --> The freedom tochoose NO••••We do without the thing and try to keep our soul from dying, (leavingus very vulnerable to temptation, and distancing ourselves in therelationship,)We go pursue the thing without consent and seriously damage all ofthe relationships involved,We speak plainly about what we want and lovingly, respectfully endthe relationship if this represents incompatible terms, orWe speak plainly about what we want and find that the relationshipwas craving this kind of authenticity, interdependence and fresh air.We make a path forward together.The “we” no longer seems to have enough room for the “I.”We want more, but what if this relationships can't deliver it? Somepeople try to talk themselves out of wanting more, but this is the samedillema we have had at each stage: Not being authentic means that apart of us is not represented in the relationship.In this stage, we often assume that our intimate partners would neverbe able to handle the thing we truly want. We don't even ask. There are 4potential outcomes:

Stage Four -COSUPPORTOur respect has grown as we have grown more fully into ourselves. We haveenough love and respect to understand that the relationship cannot provide allthat was want and need. We have learned to negotiate in such a way that we takecare of ourselves and care for the other, (each responsible for their ownsatisfaction.)We support one another's endeavors and make room for our own. We learn toauthentically answer " Yes, No, Not Now or Can we negotiate?" to any requestand respect any of those four answers in response to our requests. Wecommunicate much more honestly about how we feel in response to the other.

Divorce #4 - FREECHOICE --> AUTHENTICSACRIFICEWhen we were younger, we still looked for justice and fairness inrelationship. With time and experience, we have come to understandthat the Court of Relationships has completely different rules andpurposes from the Court of Law.Some parts of our relationship are intolerably unfair. We are not at ourhealthiest and best when the other's "no" and "not now" harm us and/orour future.With all of the emotional courage and commitments to health we havelearned in the prior stages, we make an honest choice: Are we giving ourbest gift? Are these sacrifices ones we can offer without resentment, ona free will basis? Or is leaving the relationship a healthier, more lovingresponse?

Stage Five -COMPASSIONWe accept life's limitations and cherish its gifts. We see one another andallow ourselves to be seen by one another. We are good alone, but bettertogether.We give compassionately, and receive compassion from the other. Whenwe give, we give with a well-muscled understanding of ourselves, of theother, and of the relationship: All that's there and all that is not.We understand that all beginnings are endings and all endings arebeginnings. We choose each other again and again, through whateverlife throws our way, for as many days as we have together.

Additional ResourcesToolsYou can find practical tools that canenhance your ability to co-createfulfilling relationships HERE.BlogsYou can find blogs from Tiffany'sclinical counseling work coveringmany different aspects ofrelationship HERE.Thank you for reading!This material is influenced by thebook, The 5 Divorces of a HealthyMarriage by Harold Straughn, (c)1986, CBP Press, St. Louis. TiffanySankofa, MS LCPC, has tailored theinformation to better match withher clinical experience andobservations of people inrelationships for the last 30+ years.

SankofaUnboxed.comIf you would like more direct support on your relationship journey, go toSankofaUnboxed.com to sign up for relationship coaching, read theblogs, find the podcast or other helpful resources.