Authentic Insider Magazine September 2021 Issue : simplebooklet.com

LORILEE BINSTOCKEDITOR IN CHIEFDear Readers, As we slip into fall, we transition into a new seasonof life. This September issue of Authentic InsiderMagazine focuses on self-care which is best exercisedwith boundaries and Cali brings you an art prompt topractice healthy boundaries. This month's Prosecutor's POV provides informationfor new college students or students just getting backon campus after a pandemic, in what the sexualassault prevention community calls the "Red Zone" andhow you can stay safe away from home. This issue also reflects on the 20 year anniversary of9/11 but more specifically how such a public tragedypersonally affected the children of 9/11 victims witharticles by Payton Lynch (wife of a 9/11 surviving childfrom the editorand author of the newly released book, "Rise from theAshes") and Matthew John Bocchi, author of Sway (thefirst memoir written by a 9/11 surviving child.) Contributors, LeeAnn Taylor and Stephanie Hutchinsbring two incredible pieces of work that really portraythe human spirit and the triumph we are all made of. I also share my attempts to break the cycle ofgenerational trauma as I parent my children and myyounger self with compassion. I hope you find these stories of resilience asinspirational fuel to the fire that lives inside of us all.Happy Reading!Lorilee BinstockAuthentic Insider | Page 05

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back to schooL or the first time in almost two years, collegestudents are headed back to school. This is a reliefto parents and students around the country whoare anxious to get back to normal. Students areready to return to campus, or, for at least twoclasses of students join campus for the first time.College can be an amazing experience and anopportunity to learn about yourself and how tonavigate the world and relationships withoutparents. However, for many the first few weeks andmonths in college can also be a scary experienceespecially before you have time to create a socialnetwork and support group. While college is a timefor not only learning and independence, the firstfew months can be a dangerous time on campus. The time between the start of the fall semester andgoing through the Thanksgiving break is known oncampus and throughout the sexual assaultprevention community as the “Red Zone.” Thisperiod is when statistically, according to RAINN,more than 50% of all college sexual assaults occur.In fact, a 2014 US Department of Justice study ofnine colleges found that among first-year students, REDREDREDZONESZONESZONESProsecutors POV629 sexual assaults occurred between theSeptember and October period which was morethan the next four months combined which totaled521. When you think about it, it makes sense, the firstfew weeks and months of school there are eventsacross campus aimed at connecting students toorganizations and to create friendships. Some aresanctioned by the schools while others may besponsored by an organization, social clubs orstudents, which may include excessive amounts ofalcohol. Without a strong support system and withlittle to no supervision, freshman especially can bevulnerable to sexual assault. By Kathryn Marsh & Melissa Hoppmeyer"This could spell a recipe fordisaster as students want tomake up for lost time and enjoytheir college experience."FAuthentic Insider | Page 07

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End Rape on Campus(EROC) The mission of It’s On Us is tobuild the movement to combatcampus sexual assault byengaging all students, includingyoung men, and activating thelargest student organizingprogram of its kind ingrassroots awareness andprevention educationprograms. It’s On UsAs parents and as strong advocates for prevention, weworry about the red zone and the epidemic of campussexual assault. And this year we have two classescoming to campus for the very first time, and thereturning students coming back after almost two yearsof lockdown. This could spell a recipe for disaster asstudents want to make up for lost time and enjoy theircollege experience. It is imperative as parents and asloved ones that we arm kids with information about theRed Zones and how to stay safe. Organizations like ‘It’sOn Us’ and ‘End Rape on Campus’ have leadershipseminars and trainings directed at young people toensure that they have the information needed toprevent sexual assault as well as bystander interventionin order to help reduce the Red Zones dangers. If youwant to learn more about either ‘Its on Us’ or ‘End Rapeon Campus,’ Check out No Grey Zone’s back-to-school RED ZONESRED ZONESRED ZONESback to schooLseries from August and hear from Tracy and Keynoraabout what their organizations are doing to preventcampus sexual assault. In the meantime, have frank conversations with yourkids about consent; alcohol, and sex. Make sure theyunderstand their own boundaries and are able toexpress what they believe consent is and how they canenforce it when in a new situation. Talk to them aboutexcessive drinking and come up with a plan. But mostimportantly, let them know that you are here for themand will not judge them or punish them if they make amistake. We can end the Red Zone period and campussexual assault through education and opencommunication. works to end campussexual violence throughdirect support for survivorsand their communities;prevention througheducation; and policyreform at the campus, local,state, and federal levels.Authentic Insider | Page 08

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By Stephanie M. Hutchins, PhD,Author of T r a n s f o r m a t i o n A f t e rT r a u m a : E m b r a c i n g P o s t - T r a u m a t i cG r o w t hT H E P O W E R O FR E F R A M I N G2018 was a year ofadventure for me. I had theopportunity to travelthroughout five continents.The most magical set ofexperiences of my lifeoccurred that summerwhen I was traveling Eastto West through Russiaover 33 days. I finished thetrip in the CaucasusMountains climbing MountElbrus, the highest point inEurope. The picture (topleft) is of me at base campthe night before myclimbing team and Isuccessfully summited themountain. Like in thepicture, I usually stretch myarms out wide when innature to feel free.For so many years I felttrapped in an invisiblecage, a cage that wascreated by years of trauma.I was sexually violated by 8men between the ages of 9and 19 and when I was 25,I found the first man whoshowed me I was lovable, dead. So many times Ihave been trapped bypeople and circumstances.So many times I havewanted to escape butcouldn’t. In these momentsI would dream that I hadwings and could justremove myself from anysituation where I wasexperiencing harm. It’s why I have alwayslooked at birds with envy.It’s why I spread my armslike I have wings when Iam out in nature. I haveenvisioned what it wouldbe like to be a bird foryears, to have the ability tofly away, to escape, to befree. After climbing MountElbrus, I was blessed withthe opportunity to soar withthe birds when Iexperienced paragliding forthe first time. You will seeme in my flight suit (bottomleft).Breaking F R E E

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" I R E A L I Z E D T H A T IM U S T B E S T R O N G T OM A K E I T T H R O U G H A L LT H A T I H A V E E N D U R E D . "When I could see birds flying around us, itwas like a dream. But I was experiencingthis magical moment not because I neededto escape, but because I did escape. Iescaped the years of ruminating over a pastthat I could not change.Reframing was critical in me getting to thispoint. What held me back for so long wasthe way I looked at my trauma. Reframing isabout looking at a situation from a differentperspective. Instead of focusing on all that Ilost and all that will never be, because of mytrauma, I started to focus on all that I hadgained because of my trauma. I realized thatI must be strong to make it through all that Ihave endured.We cannot change our past, but we canchange how we look at our past. Bychanging the meaning of our past struggles,we can loosen the grip that our past has onus. The basic premise behind my book,Transformation After Trauma: Embracing Post-Traumatic Growth, and my business,Serotinous Life, LLC, is that the fires of ourpast did not destroy us. Instead, they can beused as the fuel for massive growth. To experience transformation, you mustbecome something that you never werebefore. A caterpillar can never become abutterfly without letting go of what it oncewas. Likewise, we can never become abetter version of ourselves until we let go ofthe person we were before. By hanging onto a past that I could notchange, I became bulimic, morbidly obese,promiscuous, and suicidal. When I spent mytime focusing on my traumas and notAuthentic Insider | Page 11

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"I am now because mytraumashave losttheir powerover me. " understanding why so many terriblethings had to happen to me, I onlywanted to stop living. There didn’tseem any point to living if the futurewas only going to contain what mypast did, pain. I continue to be abundantly gratefulthat I was able to shift my mindsetand that I never gave up. Since I haveemerged from my darkest days I havegone on to complete my PhD, I have acareer I love, I have traveled aroundthe world, and I have many lovingrelationships. I no longer want to goback to any portion of my past lifebecause my life just keeps gettingbetter each year that I am alive. I am now free because my traumashave lost their power over me. Yes, Istill have hard days. I still strugglewith depression, I still overeat, and memories from my traumas stillcreep in. But what is important isthat I am still moving forward. I onlyslow down or get temporarily offtrack, but I ultimately keep movingforward. That is a huge win! I remindmyself that I am capable of survivingany storm and that I always comeout stronger on the other side ofevery storm I endure.I love hiking and climbing becausethey remind me of how strong I am.The mountains are the perfect placeto build my determination,perseverance, persistence, and mostimportantly, belief in myself. On myhard days the mountains remind methat struggle is always temporaryand regardless of how hard thejourney is, there is always beautyalong the way. Authentic Insider | Page 12

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n July 28th, USA Gymnastics announced that Simone Biles would not be in the All-AroundGymnastics competition on the largest stage in theworld, the Tokyo Olympics.Like many others, I was initially concerned that shewas injured, but Biles told reporters she needed totake care of herself mentally when asked why.Knowing that this would be an unpopular decision,she didn’t lie and say that she was physically injured(because if she were, the blowback would not havebeen as harsh.) No, this 24-year-old had enough self-awareness and sense of self to make the enormouslydifficult call, no matter the backlash. Confident in herunderstanding that she did not owe the world a thing,she knew that she owed it to herself and her team totake a step back.“I am more than my accomplishments,” Bilesexplained to the media. However, for others who pintheir dreams to others’ expectations, they lose sight oftheir own needs. As soon as the crowds stop cheeringor the accolades stop coming, the high from thespotlight diminishes, as does a person’s self-worth. ISelf-love and value need to come from within. Andit often needs to start at an early age. When we know better, we have the opportunity todo better. As parents, depending on ourexperiences, many of us try to overcorrect theproblems we saw in our own upbringing, causingnew issues to be passed down to our own children. One morning at brunch with a group of mygirlfriends, we were discussing our after-bunchplans when I mentioned that I would be going tomy daughter’s baseball practice and then pianolessons. A dear friend then said, “you put way toomuch pressure on your kids.” At first I was"Self-love and value needto come from within. Andit often needs to start atan early age."Authentic Insider | Page 14Creating ValueFrom Within

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offended, but after some introspection askedmyself, “do I in fact put too much pressure on mychildren?”I explored that question for days. My daughtercurrently plays tennis, baseball, piano, doesgymnastics and is enrolled in a virtual chessstrategy class. It’s not often that she is active ineach of these activities all at once but during thisparticular week, they all seemed to overlap. Myhusband and I never put her into anything withoutasking her first. We also remind her what herschedule looks like so she can assess for herselfwhether an activity is something she actuallywants to do. But my friend’s comment led me toask a question: “Do you love doing all of theseactivities or are you just doing them to make ushappy?”Her answer was, “to make you happy.” This felt likea dagger to my heart. At the age of six, I somehowcreated a people-pleaser. A personal flaw inmyself that I have been working so hard toreverse.As a child, my parents never put me in any sportsother than tennis. Any sport I asked to be a part ofwas met with, “you’ll get hurt or you’re too short oryou will get ugly muscles that will make you looklike a boy.” Yea, these words were actually said tome. And in high school when I decided to join thegolf team and the weightlifting team, my parentsdid not happily approve.For my father, he realized what he lacked as achild were material things. He then overcorrectedby buying me everything I wanted, but then calledme spoiled. New clothes, a new car when I turnedsixteen, all seemed wonderful but as an adult, I’vestruggled with the need for material things tomake me happy. What I lacked, however, wasvalidation and support, which is an essentialfoundation for every child. In order to remedy this, I constantly praised mydaughter for her incredible athletic ability andintelligence to the point that the praise wasevoking anxiety. In trauma therapy, my therapistexplained that praise, like sugar or a drug,releases dopamine and all the “feel-good”hormones. Like a drug, you do what you can toget more of it. For my daughter, in order toachieve this, she would push herself to perform atan unrealistically high level. I was setting her upfor a future of burnout. What happens when I amnot there to praise her?"I was setting her upfor a future ofburnout." Authentic Insider | Page 15

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I realized that all I needed was to look in the mirror.Because I lacked the validation and support from myown parents, compounded with the physical andemotional trauma I endured, I laid the responsibility tofulfill that need on my husband. Most of the time,adults who have unfulfilled needs as a child implicitlyimpose those expectations on the people closest tothem. Unfortunately, it’s not anyone else’s role to playparent and fill the void I faced as a child. In order forthings to change, I need to practice self-love and self-compassion as I teach my children the same.I work every day to raise my daughter and my son tobe happy and content with who they are as kind andloving human beings. Through this work I can also co-parent my younger self to understand that samelesson so that when things don’t go my way, I don’ttake them as personal failures, but rather asopportunities to do better. "In order for things to change, I need to practice self-loveand self-compassion as I teach my children the same."Start each day by telling yourself somethingreally positive. Anything that will make yousmile.Fill your body with food and beverages thatnourish it and make it thrive.Go for a walk, run, or do yoga. Moving yourbody will help release some feel-goodhormones.Quiet your inner critic. Although its goal is tokeep you safe from disappointment, it canhold us back from opportunities to thrive.Set boundaries and only surround yourselfwith people who love and encourage you.Don’t force yourself to be with people whorelease constant negative energy. Ways to practice self-love. 1.2.3.4.5.If you haven’t read February’s issue with 28 daysof self-love, check it out here.Authentic Insider | Page 16

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into New Jersey to see the now Twin Tower-less NYCskyline. You still couldn’t get into the city, and therubble was still smoking. Do you know anyone who was personally impactedby 9/11? It would be years later until I would learn of anyonewith a personal connection. I was on a date on theanniversary of 9/11 with my now husband Jon Lynchin September of 2013. We had started dating in Mayof that year, so it was our first September together.What I thought was a casual date was actually Jonsharing his story. HOW A CHILD OF 911 TAUGHT ME TRUE RESILIENCE B Y P A Y T O N L Y N C H ,A U T H O R O F R I S E F R O MT H E A S H E S : S T O R I E S O FT R A U M A , R E S I L I E N C E A N DG R O W T H F R O M T H EC H I L D R E N O F 9 1 1I’ll never forget where I was. I was in second gradeliving in Pennsylvania at the time. We weren’t pickedup early from school like many others, but I doremember arriving home to find my mom glued tothe television. I was too young to understand whatwas going on, but I could recognize by the worry inmy mom’s voice that it was bad. Even living only two hours from New York City, Inever knew anyone personally impacted by theattacks on 9/11. I had never even visited the citybefore that. In fact, I remember my dad driving us here were you on 9/11? If you were alive atthe time, it’s likely you have a story to tell. WAuthentic Insider | Page 18

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Sitting in the middle of a dimly-lit Bonefish Grill restaurant, Jonbegan to explain to me how helost his dad. As propertymanager of Two World Trade inNYC, Jon’s dad, Robert HenryLynch Jr., was at work thatTuesday morning. Jon watchedon tv in his seventh-grade artclass in Pennsylvania as thefirst plane hit the buildings. Hetold his teacher, “My dad’s inthere”, without reallyrecognizing what that meant. Soon, Jon received a call fromhis mom letting him know thathis dad had called. He had lefta voicemail saying that he wasout of the building and safe, arecording they still have to thisday. After making the drivefrom Pennsylvania to his dadand step-mom’s home in NewJersey, Jon and his familywaited on pins and needles fortheir dad to call. No call evercame. Hours turned to daysand then to weeks with no signof him. Soon, Jon’s family wasforced to accept that their fatherwas never coming home. I was so grateful for the dim-lighting in the restaurant thatnight, because I could barelychoke back the tears or theshock. How could this happento someone as kind, resilient,and compassionate as Jon? Itried to picture being in hisshoes and I could not imagine Iwould be anything but angry,hurt, and bitter. I knew then thatmy husband was different -somehow shaped but notdefined by his tragedy.Fast forward to today. Jon and Iare now happily married for 6years. During the last year, wewere in the midst of, andcontinue to be in the midst of, abattle with infertility. To add tothat, this little thing called apandemic wreaked havoc onour lives, causing Jon to losehis job. I felt like our experiencewith infertility had stolen all ofmy joy and I thought I’d nevermake it out of the dark cloud Ifelt surrounded by due to mycircumstances. And yet, Irecognized that despite myhusband’s circumstances of There are so many reasonsthis group of 9/11Surviving Children havebeen able to bounce forwardfrom their tragedy

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When facing adversity, Post Traumatic Growth canlead to better awareness of one’s vulnerability andlimitations. Doing so may be the driving forcebehind the children of 9/11 sharing and growingfrom their stories. In addition, these stories add newmeaning and purpose to their lives. Most, if not allchildren of 9/11 would agree that they want theirparents to be proud of them. Their reflections shareglimpses into the ways they live their lives inmemory of those they lost.The thing is, none of us choose our tragedy. Butbecause of it we can be better leaders, friends, andfamily members who can advocate for ourselves andothers. As the 9/11 Surviving Children enteradulthood, they too can be advocates for change.The same can be said for anyone who hasexperienced grief and hasn’t found that theircompany or community supports a safe place tobring their full selves to work. The empathy you gainas you walk life’s most challenging times canbecome your superpower to shape the way we liveand work. tragically losing his father and now battlinginfertility with me, he was able to recognize that thiswas just a season and that we would come throughthe other side. At first I was really mad at my husband by howresilient he seemed. I just wanted him to be angrywith me! It’s not that he wasn’t upset, it’s just that hehad gained new perspective after losing his father atsuch a young age. I finally let down my guard andrealized there was something I could learn from this.So I started interviewing my husband and got incontact with the Tuesday’s Children organization, acharity that provides healing for families who havebeen forever changed by terrorism, military conflictor mass violence. They connected me with a dozenother 9/11 Surviving Children who were willing toshare their stories. What started out as a project to help myself getthrough the most challenging time of my life turnedinto an opportunity to learn how people impactedby one of our nation’s greatest tragedy bouncedforward from it. I began writing down the insightsfrom these interviews and thus, my book Rise Fromthe Ashes was born. The lessons they have to shareare poignant for anyone going through achallenging time.There are so many reasons this group of 9/11Surviving Children have been able to bounceforward from their tragedy. During my research, Iwas able to speak with Stacie Boyar, a LicensedMental Health Counselor in Coral Springs, Florida,who shared that this resilience is a reflection of post-traumatic growth. She shares that, “Post-traumaticgrowth can manifest in many ways, often meaningstronger relationships with those around them,heightened self-esteem, and a sense of deeperpurpose for their lives.”"When facing adversity, Post Traumatic Growth can lead tobetter awareness of one'svulnerability and limitations."Authentic Insider | Page 20 Interested in learning more? Rise From theAshes: Stories of Trauma, Resilience, andGrowth from the Children of 9/11 is nowavailable on Amazon and other onlineretailers.

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Coming to Terms with Traumawritten by Matthew John Bocchi, Author of Sway hen I was fourteen years old, I journaled to mylate father, asking him to give me strength.No one knew about the additional pain I enduredin the wake of his death. At that moment, no onecould understand the multitude of pain that waspermeating throughout my body. It would take tenmore years of agonizing suffering before the questfor that desired strength would be obtained. Thelossof my father on 9/11 was the catalyst that sparkedan unforeseen chain of events in my life.I spent years trying to understand my father’sdeath, processing and analyzing it in a varietyof ways, and hoping that I could eventually figureout exactly what happened to him. Thisvulnerability led to me being sexually abused whenI was fourteen years old. I immediatelyunderstood the realm of ramifications that wouldarise if I were to talk about it. Maybe on some sortof philosophical level, I knew that I was too afraidto speak up. The possibilities were endless then,yet what I know for certain now is that newfoundtrauma had detrimental effects on myadolescence. Any remaining hope for a normalchildhood dissipated immediately. Trauma has fundamentally catastrophic changeson the way the mind works, and in manyways, it can be irreparable. It is not so easy torefer to trauma as a thing of the past, as thelasting imprint has already been embedded. Asthe years passed by, I found solace in the secrets Ibottled up. It was much easier for me to notacknowledge being sexually abused. I felt thatliving inside my head was safer than attempting todecipher what I went through. Illusions can becomforting, and I certainly found that to be thecase.WAuthentic Insider | Page 22

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The immeasurable changes that those experienceswould cause in my life were yet to be revealed.However, I believed that addressing my abuse wasfrivolous. I accepted that burying these feelingsbeneath the surface level was sufficient at the time. Iwas in a constant battle with myself, yet this war oftyranny was more consoling than admitting I was avictim. And so, I pretended that nothing had happened.I put on the façade that all was good in the world, all inan attempt for those around me to remain oblivious tomy secret suffering.My external visualization of life drastically changed.While it was easier to suffer internally, I no longer couldidentify the inherent good in people. Everyone Iencountered could—and in my perception, would—inevitably be presented as a threat. Althoughsubconsciously I viewed people in this regard, I felt itbest to maintain the charming façade I wasaccustomed to. And that also meant that I was amiablewith my perpetrator.So many endure pain and trauma in unprecedentedways, but there does not seem to be an objective wayto cope with it. For me, I found comfort in melting awaymy emotions with drugs and alcohol—and it required anabundance to do so. It is almost irrelevant which typesof drugs I was addicted to. The reality is that I was anaddict who would ingest copious amounts of narcoticsin high-rise luxury buildings in Manhattan, as well asproject buildings in Harlem. Eventually, the years of drugabuse could no longer assuage the pain I hadruminating in my soul anymore. I was broken on so manylevels—physically, mentally, but most importantly,spiritually. I finally surrendered and was willing toaccept help. For me, this is where the real growthoccurred, as I finally came to terms with all that Iendured years ago. I am now over six years sober, but to say that it hasbeen an easy six years would be a fabrication of reality.I sat my mother down in my father’s office, the sameroom she told me “Daddy’s not coming home,” manymoons ago.Something potentially supernatural guided The reality is that Iwas an addict whowould ingestcopious amounts ofnarcotics in high-rise luxury buildingsin Manhattan, aswell as projectbuildings in Harlem. Authentic Insider | Page 23Matt Bocchi at theRed Rock Canyon

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have to dictate how we live. There was a time when Iwas petrified acknowledging my abuse. I was underillusion that I would be forever judged by what Iwent through. To witness the growth in the way I view my trauma is an immense gift. I have learnedto accept the good that stems from releasing thosechains. I can voice my feelings and vulnerability tothe world and no longer feel ashamed for it.I have found that living in a state of forgiveness andempathy provides me with a healthier outlook onlife. It is much more cathartic to accept life andthese occurrences as foundations for growth, ratherthan inhibits to advancement. Unfortunately, I letmy trauma define me for many years and in doing soI suffered in silence. The seemingly perpetual anxietyI carried for so long has slowly vanished, and I haveembraced the beauty in this gift called life. There isso much bravery in grasping your trauma andcoming to terms with it. But there is a universalchange that occurs by finally being able to let it go.me, as I told her I was sexually abused as a kid—mydeepest secret. Time seemed to freeze as the wordsspewed out of my mouth, like a river finallyoverpowering an impermeable dam. I broke herheart and, at that moment, she finally understoodhow shattered mine was all along. I eventuallybrought my perpetrator to justice, and although thatwas relieving in so many ways, I experienced acrippling amount of anxiety, coupled withreverberating fear and paranoia. I have often foundmyself reflecting on the trauma I went through, andstill acknowledging the long-lasting impact it left onme. I still find myself waking up in the middle of thenight due to nightmares, though these are moresporadic now. It is apparent that our trauma issomething we will always live with, but it does not"To witness the growth inthe way I view my trauma isan immense gift. "Authentic Insider | Page 24Matt Bocchi with family at the beach

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B Y L E E A N N T A Y L O RTr i um p h is a m ea s ur e o f o ur res il i en c y andfo r ti t ud e i n t he fa c e o f har dsh ip . Y e t it is no tth e h a rd shi p t ha t d e fi n es us , i t i s t he tr ium ph . Ja e de , m y f irs t- b or n a n d a r ed- he a de den e rg e ti c g irl , b eg a n e xt rao rdi na r il y y oun g a sth e t h ir d p are nt in ou r h ome , b ei n g c al ledup o n t o hel p i n e ve r y w ay a tod dl e r c an asea c h y ou nge r s ib l in g c a me al ong . N ex t b ornwa s m y s on Qui nn , a bo y w ho exh ib i te ddr a ma t ic de vel op m en t al de lay s a nd di s ru pti vebe h av i or s. He wa s d i ag n os ed wit h F ra g il e Xsy n dr o me at th e a ge of th ree af te r a lo ng yea rT H E T R I U M P H W E A R ET H E T R I U M P H W E A R ET H E T R I U M P H W E A R EA L LA L LA L L M A D EM A D EM A D E O FO FO FI s ta r te d m oth er h oo d e a rl y, a m er e t w en ty-ye a rs - ol d w hen m y f i rs t c hil d w as bo r n. Myfi r st fo ur chi ld r en we r e bor n i n a p e ri od of fi v eye a rs . D uri ng th a t t im e , thr ee of th e m— twoso n s a nd on e d au g ht e r— t es ted po si t iv e f orFr a gi l e X s ynd ro m e, a g en eti c d is o rd e rma n if e st ing in a u ti s ti c -l ike be ha v io r s,si g ni f ic ant le ar n in g d e fi cit s, an d h e al thch a ll e ng es. It w a s a r a di cal wh ir l wi n d forwh i ch no thi ng co u ld ha v e pre par ed me . I di dno t e v en kn ow I c ar r ie d t his ge ne un t il myfi r st so n w as di a gn o se d a t t he ag e o f t hre e. Inth e f i rs t t wel ve ye a rs , d ail y l if e w a s abo utsu r vi v al . Authentic Insider | Page 26

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of te s ti ng. Sh al e , m y t hi rd chi ld , w a sal r ea d y bor n b y t ha t t i me , a re d- h ea d edbo y w i th a hap py di s po s it ion wh oev e nt u al ly exh ib i te d s i gn ifi can t d el a ysan d u n us ual se ns i ti v it i es . H e w asdi a gn o se d a t t he ag e o f t wo rig ht af t erth e b i rt h o f m y f ou r th ch ild , F ai t h, myde l ic a te da ugh te r w h o r eq uir ed th e m o stte n de r c are fo r h er em o ti ona l f ra i lt i es .Sh e a d ap ted to m o re me a su rab lemi l es t on es tha n h er br o th ers , y etre m ai n ed no tic ea b ly un d er -de vel op e dfo r h e r age . S he wa s d i ag nos ed at th eag e o f n ine mo nt h s. Fo u r chi ldr en in fi veye a rs , a nd thr ee of th e m wit h t hege n et i c dis ord er . As a f ul l-t ime m o th e r, it wa s a ll I c ou lddo to ma nag e t he mo s t b as ic dai lyne e ds fo r m y c hi l dr e n. Ev ery thi ng wa s ahe r cu l ea n e ffo rt ma d e m or e i nte ns e b yQu i nn ’ s des tru ct i ve be h av ior s."As a full-time mother, itwas all I could do to managethe most basic daily needsfor my children. "Authentic Insider | Page 27

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E V E R Y T H I N G I H A D D E F I N E D M Y S E L F B Y H A DC O L L A P S E D . I T W A S D E V A S T A T I N G . Our hom e w a s like a w a r z o n e , disast e r s a tevery t u r n . W e felt l i k e p r i soners; a l l d o o rsremaine d l o c k ed conti n u a l l y to preve n tQuinn o r S h a l e from g e t t i n g into dan g e r .Neither o f t h em had v e r b a l c ommunica t i o nand the i r c o g nitive f u n c t i o n ing rema i n e d a tthe lev e l o f a two-ye a r - o l d . The sur v i v a l strain b e n t m e to the c o r e .But it w a s t h e persis t e n t b e lief tha t I w a sfailing – a s a mother , a w o m an, and ahuman, t h a t c rippled m y s e n s e of sel f . Icould n o t s e e beyond t h e m e a sure of m yimpossi b l e r o le. I ma y h a v e seemed l i k e ahero in t h e e yes of m y p e e r s , but in m yown eye s , I w as a fai l u r e ; b roken,frighte n e d , a nd in co n t i n u a l unrest. W o r s tof all, I f e l t unspea k a b l y a lone.Immedia t e l y f ollowing m y h u s band’svasecto m y , I learned I w a s u nexpecte d l ypregnan t a g a i n. Nine m o n t h s later, abeautif u l d a u ghter wa s b o r n to me. Inamed h e r P s a lm for t h e p o e t ry shereprese n t e d i n my lif e . S h e enamored u sall wit h h e r gentle d e m e a n e r . At two w e e k sold, we h a d P salm tes t e d f o r Fragile Xsyndrom e . A f t er a pro l o n g e d wait for t h etest re s u l t s , we lear n e d s h e did not c a r r ythe gen e . I t was a mi r a c l e a nd a bri e fseason o f p e a ce.Over th e y e a r s that f o l l o w e d Psalm’s b i r t h ,the cha l l e n g e s in our h o m e e scalatedeventua l l y l e ading to a b r e a king poi n t .After a s e r i e s of har r o w i n g decision s ,Quinn a n d S h a le were p l a c e d withprofess i o n a l foster f a m i l i e s trained f o rdisable d c h i l dren whe r e t h e y could a c c e s sthe car e a n d services t h e y n eeded. M ymarriag e e n d e d and I s t a r t e d over.Everyth i n g I had defi n e d m y s elf by h a dcollaps e d . I t was dev a s t a t i n g.

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Of t en ou r l i ve s t a ke a s ha p e w edi d n o t i nt e nd or le a d u s i n a t u rnof ev e nt s w e d i d n ot in v it e . T he s ede t ou r s c an bu r y u s i f w e a ll o wth e m. It re q ui r es ex t ra o rd i na r yco u ra g e a nd e le c ti o n t o m ov ebe y on d t h es e m o s t d i f fi c ul t p o in t san d e m e r g e p o i s e d , t o d e t e r mi n ewh a t w e’ r e m ad e o f a n d t o s ta n dta l l i n t ha t . M an y i n te r na lqu e st i on s s t il l h a un t ed me an d m ysu r vi v al de m an d e d a n s w e r s . T h e non e e v en i ng a y ea r l a te r , I w a sgi v en an ex t ra o rd i na r y b le s si n g.My mo t h e r w h o h a d d i e d w h e n Iwa s e i gh t y e ar s o l d c am e t o m e .He r s p ir i t h ad a m es s ag e . A ndth a t i s w he n m y h e al i ng be g an .Sh e s h ow e d m e t h a t t h r o u g h a l lof th e m o st ha r ro w in gex p er i en c es , m y m o t h e r h a d b e e nth e re :“I ga v e S ha l e a nd Qu i n n m o t h e r i n g a t t i m e s y o uwe r e n ot ab l e. It wa s I wh o c a rr i ed yo u t h r o u g h t h ere f in e r’ s f i re wh e n y ou co u l d no t g o a n o t h e r d a y ,an d I wh o s h o w e d y o u t h e v a l u e o f y o u r s uf f e r i n g .I c am e t o o f fe r m y se l f a s a s u pp o r t w h i l e y o uca r ri e d y ou r b u r d e n s a l o n e , a n d t h e n I l i f te d t h e mof f y o ur sh o ul d e r s t o e n a b l e y o u t o m o v e o n . Ish o we r e d y o u w i t h m y j o y w h e n y ou re c ei v ed th ene w s o f P s a l m ’ s t e s t r e s u l t s , an d I he l d y o u r h a n dwh e n y o u c r i e d y o u r s e l f t o s l e e p . I wa s t h e r e w i t hyo u a t e v er y t u rn an d i n e v e r y m o m e n t . A n d I w i l lbe th e re st i ll . A s y o u s ee , m y d a ug h t e r , I h a vene v er le f t y ou . ” My mo t h e r r e mi n d s m e e v e r y d a y t o l i ve in th etr i um p h, to se e b e yo n d t he ch a ll e ng e s a nd tope r se v er e . T he pa t h y ou an d I wa l k m a y n o t l o ok th esa m e, bu t i t i s b u il t o f t h e s am e s t uf f : p ur e t r iu m ph .Authentic Insider | Page 29

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Boundaries are defined rules or limits that someone establishes to protecttheir security and wellbeing around others; we identify and express howother people can behave around us so that we feel safe. Boundaries caninclude setting expectations about how much alone time you need in aromantic relationship, preventing family members from speakingnegatively about loved ones, or establishing physical safety measureswhen spending time together. They can be an important tool to help usfeel secure in our surroundings and with other people, creating anenvironment for each person to be themselves and have their needs met.Boundaries?What are Physical Intellectual EmotionalSexual Material Time Types of Boundaries: (Descriptions ahead).Rigid Boundaries: Avoids intimacy and closerelationships.Unlikely to ask for help.Has few close relationships.Very protective of personalinformation.May seem detached, even withromantic partners.Keeps others at a distance toavoid the possibility ofrejection. Porous Boundaries: Overshares personalinformation.Difficulty saying “no” to therequests of others.Over involved with others’problems.Dependent on the opinions ofothers.Accepting of abuse ordisrespect.Fears rejection if they do notcomply with others. Healthy Boundaries: Values own opinions.Doesn’t compromise valuesfor others.Shares personal informationin an appropriate way (doesnot over or under share).Knows personal wants andneeds, and can commuicatethem. Accepting when others say“no” to them. TherapistAid.com

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BoundariesTypes ofAuthentic Insider | Page 322. Intellectual Boundaries refer tothoughts and ideas. Healthy intellectualboundaries include respect for others'ideas, and awareness of appropriatediscussion (should we talk about theweather, or politics?). Intellectualboundaries are violated when someonedismisses or belittles another person'sthoughts or ideas.3. Emotional Boundaries refer to aperson's feelings. Healthy emotionalboundaries include limitations on when toshare personal information. For example,gradually sharing personal informationduring the development of a relationship,as opposed to revealing everything toeveryone. Emotional boundaries areviolated when someone criticizes , belittlesor invalidates another person's feelings.4. Sexual Boundaries refer to theemotional, intellectual, and physicalaspects of sexuality. Healthy sexualboundaries involve mutual understandingand respect of limitations and desiresbetween sexual partners. Sexualboundaries can be violated with unwantedsexual touch, pressure to engage in sexualact, leering or sexual comments.5. Material Boundaries refer to moneyand possessions. Healthy materialboundaries involve setting limits on whatyou will share, and with whom. Forexample, it may be appropriate to lend acar to a family member, but probably notto someone you met this morning.Material boundaries are violated ifsomeone steals or damages anotherperson's possessions, or when theypressure them to give or lend them theirpossessions.6. Time Boundaries refer to how aperson uses their time. To have healthytime boundaries, a person must set asideenough time for each facet of their lifesuch as work, relationships, and hobbies.Time boundaries are violated whenanother person demands too much ofanother's time.1. Physical Boundaries refer tophysical space and physical touch.Healthy physical boundaries include anawareness of what's appropriate, andwhat's not in various settings and typesof relationships (hug, shake, hands, orkiss?). Physical boundaries may beviolated if someone touches you whenyou don't want them to, or when theyinvade your personal space (forexample, rummaging through yourbedroom).TherapistAid.com

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Boundaries2. Practice self-awareness.Listen to your gut! Part ofcreating boundaries is prioritizingyour comfort so you can feel safeand be present with others, butin order to do that, you need toacknowledge your feelings andhonor them. What makes youfeel safe? What makes you feeluncomfortable? Remember thatboundaries can shift and changeas you grow; allow this to happenand hold space to recognize andsit in these feelings.3. Name your limits. Sit withyour emotions, and identify whatyou need physically, emotionally,and mentally so you can identifyyour limits and bettercommunicate them to others. Ahelpful method for this is theboundary circle. Draw a circle ona page of paper. Inside it, writedown everything you need inorder to feel seen, supported,heard, and safe. Anything thatactively conflicts or distracts fromthat, write outside the circle.4. Be consistent with theboundaries you’ve set. Wecan’t expect others to knowhow we’re feeling at any givenmoment, so we have to clearlycommunicate with others ifthey cross our boundaries.PracticingAuthentic Insider | Page 331. Give yourself permission tofocus on yourself and makeyour safety and comfort apriority. A lot of the time, westretch our boundaries orpostpone setting and enforcingboundaries because we feel guiltor fear a negative response. Inreality, boundaries not onlycontribute to healthyrelationships with others, theyalso bolster self-respect and self-love!

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Boundaries5. If you aren’t sure where tostart: Use “I Statements”“I Statements” can help keep thefocus on expressing yourthoughts, feelings, and opinionswithout worrying what others arethinking. Describe your reactionto an unwelcome situation andwhy you have that response,then clearly lay out what youneed to feel secure:“I feel ___ when ____ because_____. What I need is ________.”Example: Instead of “Stoptouching my stuff and stay out ofmy room!” Try “I feel violatedwhen you enter my room and gothrough my things, because Ivalue privacy. What I need is aspace that I know is private torecord my thoughts.”6. Be direct, clear, and simple.When setting and enforcingboundaries, state what you needas clearly and calmly as possible.You don’t need to justify, defend,or apologize for your boundaries.You can always adjust the tone ormanner with which you enforceyour boundaries if you like, aswell. You get to decide howassertive to be, depending onyour relationship with the otherperson, the circumstances, oreven where your emotionalability lies on that day. If you arenervous or sensitive aboutcertain boundaries, you can planwhat you’d like to say to protectthose limits in advance.PracticingAuthentic Insider | Page 34

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Boundaries8. If you need backup, get support.Defining and asserting boundaries can geteven trickier if you or a loved one lives with amental health condition, mood disorder, or ahistory of trauma, especially if you share aliving space together. It’s important to check inregularly to make sure that everyone is contentwith their needs being met, and boundariesrespected. If you’re experiencing challengeswith setting or asserting boundaries, or ifsomeone is causing you difficulty by crossingthem, never hesitate to reach out to a mentalhealth professional. Emotional backup can alsotake the form of a support group, spiritualcommunity, or friends and family!7. If setting boundaries makes youuncomfortable or anxious, startsmall. You 100% deserve to say nowithout feeling guilty, but it can takepractice! Start by setting a smallboundary in a space that feels moremanageable, and work your way up. Ifit makes you feel more comfortable,you can offer an alternative whensetting a boundary. For example, ifsomeone asks you for a favor and youaren’t comfortable with it, you can offersome sort of tool that can help, oranother person who might be useful. Ifyou are nervous setting a moresignificant boundary, sit with it andthink through what might happen as aresult. Is this boundary and the safety itprovides worth the discomfort ofestablishing and later enforcing it? Forexample, am I willing to take the stepsrequired to distance myself from anemotionally harmful person to protectmy sense of safety?PracticingAuthentic Insider | Page 35

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Healing throughthe ArtsIdentifying Personal BoundariesRead over the above article tobetter understand boundaries.Think of a situation orrelationship in your life whereyou would like to set boundaries Who do you let in? Who do you keep out? Refer to Types of Boundaries (p.32) identify and write your needsand note any violations of your boundary typesDraw a boundary circle (p. 33) onpaper. Inside it, write downeverything you need in order tofeel seen, supported, heard, andsafe. Anything that activelyconflicts or distracts from that,write outside the circle. Authentic Insider | Page 36by: Cali BinstockBrainstorming

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Identifying Personal boundariesAuthentic Insider | Page 37A R T D I R E C T I V ECreate a picture that representsyour own boundaries. Use themetaphor of a fence, house, brickwall, or another image if youchoose. Add your personal boundarieswritten down or drawnand/or WAYS TO SAY NO, such as:”I’m not comfortable with this.” “Please don’t do that.””I can’t do that for you.”“This is not acceptable.””I’ve decided not to ___.” K N O W Y O U RB O U N D A R I E SBoundaries should be based on yourvalues, or the things that are importantto you. For example, if you valuespending time with family, set firmboundaries about working late. Your boundaries are yours, and yoursalone. Many of your boundaries mightalign with those who are close to you,but others will be unique. Know your boundaries before entering asituation. This will make it less likely you’lldo something you’re not comfortablewith. Creating a Boundaries Board TherapistAid.com

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Identifying and Visualizing Personal Boundaries Through Art Authentic Insider | Page 38This representation allows me to see my boundaries andvalues in one place. The fractured pickets representviolations of my personal boundaries, and above are myattempts to remedy them. In brainstorming, I realized thatrespect, safety, and consent are the overarching aspectsthat define my boundaries. The garden contains theimportant areas of my life that hold the most value, and timespent there defines my plan for self-care. I hope thisexample helps you to create your own boundaries board!

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Self–Care Awareness Month in September is atime to remind us that taking care of ourselves,first and foremost, is essential. Self-care is oftenneglected in our everyday lives. We all tend toput others needs before our own and it is crucialto remember, that we cannot fill another’s cupfrom our own empty vessel. While getting amassage or taking a walk are beautiful examplesof taking time for our well-being, self-care can bemore expansive than that.Self-care knows no boundaries. It is somethingthat everyone, without any exclusions, canbenefit from practicing on a daily basis. True self-care is not self-centered nor selfish; it is simplykeeping yourself the focus of your own life. It’sabout paying attention to how you feel in eachmoment, communicating clearly, speaking up foryourself and saying yes or no…guilt free.Self-Care Awareness MonthHOW TO OBSERVEUse the month of September to make self-carea part of your daily routine – practice beinggood to yourself. It can be as simple as aconscious breathe in the morning or asluxurious as time away from the pressures ofeveryday life. The kindness we show towardsourselves will manifest into a kinder world.For more visit Evolve to LiveAuthentic Insider | Page 40

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To describe Self-Care in a single sentence – Self-Care is really just about becoming anadvocate for yourself. Here are a few things that Self-Careencompasses:• Self-Care is about paying attention to you, your bodyand your emotions.• Self-Care is about checking in with yourself in eachmoment.• Self-Care is setting healthy boundaries.• Self-Care is learning and practicing clear and directcommunication.• Self-Care is about learning to appreciate and loveyourself.• Self-Care is about living your life with joy… guilt free!Self-Care RoutineAuthentic Insider | Page 41

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For Self-Care AwarenessMonth, we have music thatempowers you. Jam to thesesongs that are sure to makeyou feel good. “something wild" by lindsey sterling ft.andrew mcmahon in the wilderness Titanium” (ft. Sia) by David Guetta “Not Afraid” by Eminem “Just Like Fire” by P!nk “Respect” by Aretha Franklin “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars “Good Life” by OneRepublic “Brave” by Sara Bareilles “Firework” by Katy Perry “Not Afraid” by Eminem “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo "Roar” by Katy Perry "Scars to yout Beautiful" by alessia cara “Unstoppable” by Sia “Praying” by Kesha

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Going back to school can be anxiety-inducing for many children, especially those whowere affected by the pandemic over the last year. But there's no better time to discussemotions than now as children get ready for a major transition. Below are a fewparent-approved books for getting back to school with confidence.Why me? and It s not fair! are favoritephrases used by Twitch, The Monster ofFrustration. Though Twitch tries very hard toget everything right, he quickly gets upsetwhen things don't go his way. If you've everhad a day when everything seems to gowrong, this adventure will tickle your funnybone and put life's little setbacks in a properperspective. Pandemics can be a scary, confusing, &frustrating subject for children. Thankfully,Zen Pig tackles that very subject when ZenPig helps his beloved hometown understandthe importance of masks, social distancing,and kindness in our communities.*I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.Authentic Insider | Page 44I Am Human affirms that we can makegood choices by acting with compassion andhaving empathy for others and ourselves.When we find common ground, we can feelconnected to the great world around us andmindfully strive to be our best selves.

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Mental Health, Memoir & EmotionalSupport Books(Adult)Depression. Anxiety. Chronic Pain. Phobias. Obsessive thoughts. The evidence iscompelling: the roots of these difficulties may not reside in our immediate lifeexperience or in chemical imbalances in our brains—but in the lives of ourparents, grandparents, and even great-grandparents. The latest scientificresearch, now making headlines, supports what many have long intuited—thattraumatic experience can be passed down through generations. It Didn’t Startwith You builds on the work of leading experts in post-traumatic stress,including Mount Sinai School of Medicine neuroscientist Rachel Yehuda andpsychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score. After experiencing trauma, we often feel like the weight of the world is crashingdown on us. Transformation After Trauma will provide you with the tools to helpbreak the chains that keep you anchored to the past where your pain and traumalie. This book will help you heal as you learn different strategies for overcomingand transforming through trauma with proven techniques. LeeAnn's story takes the reader deep into the heart of the human spirit. It is thechilling account of one woman's tragic descent into the darkness, and, ultimately,her triumphant emergence into the light of redeeming love. Chronicled by her ownjournal entries, The Fragile Face of God is a celebration of humanity-both thefragile and the sublime-and an intimate view into what makes our journey hereone of purpose and eternal significance. *I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.Authentic Insider | Page 45

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The end of a tough cycle is approaching. There could have been challenges and obstacles that you werefacing, but that is coming to an end. It’s time to show the world the real you. Many may have been holdingback their true self to make other people happy and satisfied. This only brought great sadness anddisappointment. Pride and ego could have been a factor as well. Now is the time to start living your life foryou. Be happy from within. It’s time to let all of that go. Some not all were just doing things in life to show off or impress other people. Itdidn't make you happy but it looks good on the outside. This time you're realizing that wasn't the right thingto do. There is a lot of healing needed. Time spent in prayer or meditation will be good for a lot of youduring this time or even time spent outdoors in nature if possible. With covid-19 rearing its ugly head, youhave to really be careful where you go.Most are on the journey of self-discovery. You want to find yourself and be healed to be whole withinyourself. There is a situation in your life that you will be seeing clearly. A rebirth is ahead and it’s time to letgo of the past. This is for you and someone else.You are ready to be yourself, no matter what anyone says or does. You are learning lessons in your life.What you have learned will turn into wisdom to help someone else overcome their own struggles. On theother hand, there are some that are still trying to overcome some obstacles in their lives, but in due time itwill be okay. It could relate to past memories of family, friends or romantic relationships.Success is definitely in the forecast for everyone. But only to those who believe and have faith. Newconnections are needed and you will have to put in the work. Nothing in life comes easy. Someone could befeeling some mental conflict about their path in life. There is just a lot of confusion going on and maybeyou're not sure what to do, where to go or who to turn to. This could be holding you back from living yourfullest potential.A transformation will make you feel very happy. Again, healing is necessary. Love is coming for the singleswho have done their inner work. Couples keep strong, you or your partner may need your support rightnow. Be there for them. Don't worry, stay positive and be happy. It will all work out.Monthly Collective Readings for All Signswith Joy Larkin (September 1 - September 30, 2021) Joy is a Narcissistic AbuseSurvivor who has made it herlife's work to help othersthrough life coaching. She isalso a healer, earth angel andpsychic medium. If you wouldlike coaching services fromJoy and/or get your ownpersonal reading, please scanthe barcode below with yoursmartphone camera.READINGSPersonalINFOCoachingAuthentic Insider | Page 46

Authentic Insider Magazine September 2021 Issue

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