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Authentic Insider Magazine June 2021 Issue

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ISSUE 06/ JUNE 2021cover art by

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#AIM FOR MENTALWELLNESSLorilee BinstockAuthentic Insider | Page 04

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"Trauma creates oneof four types ofpeople: victims,rescuers, or perps -and if you're reallylucky and reallystrong and verywilling and brave,survivors." - Allison Anders Authentic Insider | Page 05

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“Bombs and IEDs,” he says casually referring to improvisedexplosive devices – something he and his fellow soldierswere well acquainted with. “You do realize we’re inPortland, Oregon… not Baghdad or Kandahar.”“Old habits die hard.,” he said while smirking. I thought of previous interactions where we debated theexistence of PTSD with combat veterans – a condition hedenies existing. During his first deployment in Iraq, I recallone of our Skype conversations abruptly ending when heheard mortar fire near his base. How can one not beaffected by the effects of combat and warfare? Dude, do you think you might have PTSD?” I asked inthe gentlest way possible. “Me?! Nah!” he says as he snickers. I knew not to make this conversation a thing. I’mwell acquainted with this person. I love him dearly,and knew to let it go. Why end a wonderful trip witha testy debate? Jeff, one of my best friends of more than twodecades is sitting in the back seat. He and Iimmediately make eye contact through the rearviewmirror. We were on the same page. It was anunspoken agreement we would confirm days laterafter I arrived in L.A. – Soldier Boy, may be in denial. Unlike my father and Soldier Boy, I never served inthe military let alone saw any combat. In a way, I getit. Your very survival may depend on a healthy levelof arrogance along with suppressing thoughts tiedto fear and mortality. I’m not knocking him for that.I’d like to think that his state of mind guided himthrough combat and brought him back to us in onepiece. Soldier Boy isn’t some anomaly among men fromhyper-masculine backgrounds that occasionallyrefuse to acknowledge fear, being wrong and yes,even being traumatized. He shared at least oneother story where he and his fellow soldiersscattered for their lives in Iraq while taking machine Authentic Insider | Page 07

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gunfire from an unseen gunman. Given these twomoments (and I know there are many more) itwould seem to me that acknowledging combattrauma is acceptable. While discussing situations like this, I often revisit mychildhood trauma of domestic abuse and streetviolence during my adolescence in South Central LosAngeles. For many years, I’ve had anxious and fearfulreactions to several incidents namely slow-drivingcars, stealthy cruising with their headlights off atnight – a precursor to some drive-by shootings. I’mnot alone. I grew up with career criminals, physicallyimposing athletes, and other legitimate tough guys. I, along with many men of color experiencenervousness and anxiety during a routine traffic stopwith law enforcement as we have stared down thebarrel of their guns since we were looking“suspicious” or “fitting a description”. Having had experience in working with children, I’veobserved young boys who were victims of sexualabuse, cower at the sound of adults raising theirvoices. Years ago, I recall a segment on HBO’s “RealSports” where a so-called NHL (National HockeyLeague) hockey goon openly admitted that his roleas the team’s designated enforcer caused severeanxiety on the eve of every hockey match. This iscoming from a man who competed in a sport manywill agree to be one of the toughest professions onthe planet. As inspirational and admirable as men can be,acknowledging trauma is an area of neededimprovement. You see, as young boys, we are raisedto be tough and hard with very good reason. Simplyput, an enduring personality in an often cruel worldis a huge asset. People can be quite predatory intaking advantage of men especially, thosebroadcasting fear or physical weakness.Men are bred to be protectors and providers offamily in addition to these traits being hardwiredin our DNA. During our development, as youngmen, we are the repeated commandments ofnever backing down from a fistfight, never crying,never letting them see you sweat and under nocircumstances, never admit to being afraid or hurt.I agree with these informal commandments, butwith a caveat and nuanced position. There’s a time and place for men to accept traumaand come to terms with it. That time, however, isnot while some attacker is actively broadcasting alegitimate threat. The time for such is not whenone is in the throes of tense business negotiationor a courtroom battle. In hindsight, this was a gap in my learnings fromwell-meaning male role models. This isn’t a casewhere there is blame for any of the elder men inmy life during adolescence. Instead, it is anoteworthy observation - something for others tokeep in mind. As men, it does not serve us to ignore the pain thatales us. If any of us had a tooth cavity or brokenbone, we wouldn’t hesitate to seek proper medicalcare. No one in the dentist's office or hospitalemergency room would accuse us of being soft. Isuffered a torn meniscus a few years ago and post-surgery, I had to accept that my knee had limitedrange of motion, pain, and stiffness so the physicaltherapist could help usher me to a full recovery. “As inspirational andadmirable as men can be,acknowledging trauma is anarea of needed improvement.” Authentic Insider | Page 08

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So, why is it that when there is obvious emotionaltrauma, we tend to shove it down the recesses of ourminds? The answer may be discomfort,unawareness, dissonance, or fear. But if elite athleteslike Kevin Love of the Cleveland Cavaliers and DanielCarcillo another NHL enforcer formerly of theChicago Blackhawks can openly admit to theiranxiety and trauma, why can’t the rest of us men?Why would we not give ourselves a chance ofreaching emotional balance and being betterhusbands, fathers, and most of all, friends toourselves? My message to all men is that regardless of theirstory (abuse, crime, etc.) trauma requiresacceptance, personal reflection, and perhaps, someform of professional counseling. Acknowledgingsuch does not reduce one’s manhood. If anything, itis a step towards evolution. Best of all, the healing ofone’s trauma doesn’t require us to broadcast it onsocial media, at the barbershop, or some super bowlparty. As men, we have the right to heal in private orshare when we are ready. Let’s not make the mistakeof assuming that trauma is the total of who some ofus are versus apart. “I want to challenge my fellowman to get into the “phonebooth” with your traumas andwalk towards making your lifefive, ten, or even fifteen percentbetter.”I want to challenge my fellow man to get into the“phone booth” with your traumas and walk towardsmaking your life five, ten, or even fifteen percentbetter. Those may sound like insignificant numbers,but imagine the level of happiness and emotionalfreedom that can provide you during the sevenhundred and thirty hours you experience in a givenmonth. I believe that the process of resolving trauma makesus tougher in facing that challenge head-on.Unresolved trauma is the dragon that stares at uswhile some choose to take detours around it. Whatmany of us miss is that what is beyond thatfigurative dragon is a treasure of healing. Imani Kaliid is an L.A.-based, career digital executive,podcast host of Misconnected with Imani, and theauthor of the forthcoming book, “There WasViolence” releasing May 31, 2021, via Amazon, AppleBooks, and Google Books. Follow him on socialTwitter @MisconnectedP, or via out Episode 33 of "A Trauma'Survivor Thriver's Podcast" withImani KaliidAuthentic Insider | Page 09

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"The value of a lovingfather has no price." Authentic Insider | Page 10

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Back to school Backpack and sneaker event at Thurgood Marshall School of Law. Patriceskids Christmas drive for foster kids atCasa Hope 2020 co sponsored by Spar boxing,Sole love and Artist Donnie Fresh.2019 Patrices Kids Christmas event withsuperhero characters. 2019 Christmas toy, bike and sneaker event talking tothe kids about using their voices to tell someone if theyare being abused.Donation from Company Jades ElevationAuthentic Insider | Page 11

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My coworkers were under the impression that I wasreally sociable but I was the complete opposite. It wasso hard to keep up this charade. But I didn’t wantthem to know how lonely I was, especially during theholidays which I had spent alone. I was suffering sobadly that I couldn’t find any reason to live. Iconstantly told myself, “what’s the point. I don’t have adiploma. I’m not that smart or attractive and nobodyloves me.” I was estranged from my family and, heck, Ididn’t even love myself. I felt like the abuse was myfault. As if I had caused it or even deserved it because Iwas now damaged goods.It took several more years of emotional pain but I hadstarted therapy and my therapist said something tome that I will never forget. She said, “Patrice, its notyour fault that you were abused as a child and I’m sovery sorry that happened to you but you don’t have tokeep self-sabotaging. You deserve happiness. You canheal." That’s when I broke down crying becausenobody had ever told me anything so kind. Shesuggested medication to help get over the hump andstart talk therapy. Psychotherapy at the Veteranshospital saved my life. I still have depression, PTSD,and borderline personality disorder. Unfortunately, Icannot hold a full-time job. I loved my job inEngineering but I had to accept that my mental healthhas to come first. I’ve learned how to better control thesymptoms and rethink my actionsA LIFE CHANGED,CHANGING LIVES I would sleep with a full outfit on. I suffered from insomnia because everytime I would fall asleep, I would dream about my abusers and the dream feltso real as if they were right there. W R I T T E N B Y P A T R I C E G R I F F I N ,A U T H O R O F T H E U N C O N S C I O U S C O M M U N I T YBeing A survivor of child sexual abuse, I just thoughtthat if I escaped my abusers, I would be able tomove on with my life as if nothing ever happened.For a while, I actually thought that I was ok. I hadgotten my first apartment after living on the streetsfor a couple of years, but I felt something differentabout myself. I would sleep with a full outfit on. Isuffered from insomnia because every time I wouldfall asleep, I would dream about my abusers and thedream felt so real as if they were right there. I wouldwake up screaming or fighting for my life whileasleep. Needless to say, I was not ok and I haddeveloped several symptoms of Post-traumaticstress disorder (PTSD) such as agitation and hostility,and I always felt like anyone I interacted with wasout to get me. I couldn’t see the good in anyonebecause all of the people that I had trusted as a childreally let me down and hurt me. I was hyper-vigilantand couldn’t relax because of the constant abuse asa child and I just had no idea how to relax. In mymind, it was me against the world. Any conversationthat turned into an argument, I would take it to thenext level and make a scene because I didn’t have amiddle ground. For me everything was black orwhite with no such thing as a gray area. This went onfor many years. Either I was in the hospital forsuicidal attempts, depression and borderlinepersonality disorder or I stayed secluded to myapartment.Authentic Insider | Page 12

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before I explode or harm myself. Thisisn’t to say that I don’t have bad days,because I do. I lost my whole childhoodto sexual abuse and this is a life-longprocess of recovery, but you can stillhave a good quality of life.Eventually, I did get my GED andgraduated college. As time went on, Iwanted to give back and bringawareness to child sexual abuse so Istarted a non-profit called Patrice’sKids Inc. My goal has been to educateadults and now I offer free child sexualabuse prevention training on mywebsite. I give back to children whoare less fortunate by holdingChristmas events where we give toysand new shoes to kids in foster careand single moms. We also hold back-to-school drives. I want each child toknow that they are not forgotten andthey are special despite theircircumstances and to speak up and tellsomeone if they’ve been hurt or are uncomfortable around a specificperson. Every child is entitled to have agood childhood, free of abuse.I also wrote a book titled “TheUnconscious Community” which detailsmy abuse and where I am now. Byeducating each other, we can payattention to the signs and be vigilant soplease believe a child when they come toyou because you may be their only hope.I don’t want to see anymore children orsurvivors lose their lives to suicide dueto depression and PTSD. We all have apurpose and even if you don’t havechildren, you can still educate yourself incase you encounter a situation thatdoesn’t look or feel right. By doing so,you will know exactly how to handle it.But ignoring your conscious could keepan innocent child at risk. I wish that Icould have had a happy childhood likeother kids but now I’m in a position tohelp others the way I needed help. I willcontinue to fight for my mental healthand the safety and well being of childrenand survivors."I wish that I couldhave had a happychildhood likeother kids butnow I’m in aposition to helpothers the way Ineeded help."You can also check out Ep. 23 with Patriceon A Trauma Survivor Thriver's PodcastAll proceeds from the sale of The Unconscious Community will go to Patrice's Kids, Inc., a 501(c)3. Authentic Insider | Page 13For more information about Patrice,

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AdvertiseHereE M A I L : L O R I L E E @ B I N S T O C K M E D I A G R O U P . C O MT O A D V E R T I S E W I T H U SA U T H E N T I C I N S I D E R M A G A Z I N EA U T H E N T I C I N S I D E R M A G A Z I N EAuthentic Insider | Page 15

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JUNE IS LGBTQI+AWARENESS MONTHJune is LGBTQI+ Awareness Month and atime to celebrate the strides the LGTBQI+community has made towards equality. Itshould also serve as a reminder that everyoneshould recommit to push for more changes toensure equality for all. Nowhere is the need for commitment,growth and allyship more prevalent than inthe criminal justice system. The LGBTQI+Community experiences intimate partnerviolence and sexual abuse at alarmingly highrates in comparison to the generalpopulation. The CDC’s National IntimatePartner and Sexual Violence Survey foundthat 44% of lesbians and 61% of bisexualwomen experience rape, physical violence, orstalking by an intimate partner, compared to35% of straight women. Further, the Surveyfound that 26% of gay men and 37% ofbisexual men experience rape, physicalviolence, or experience rape, physicalviolence, or stalking by an intimate partner,compared to 29% of straight men. The numbersare even higher for the trans community, a 2015Transgender survey found that 47% oftransgender individuals reported being sexuallyassaulted at some point in their lifetime. And yet,with the higher level of abuse and assault, theprosecution rates for these crimes areastonishingly low. A 2010 Victims of Crime andthe National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programsreport found that 94% of prosecutor’s offices, lawenforcement agencies and child victim servicessurveyed reported that they were not servingLGBTQ survivors of Intimate Partner Violenceand sexual violence. This included under-prosecution through under-developed programsthat failed to implement LGBT culturalcompetence training, failed to effectively committo outreach to LGBTQI+ community and toconnect LGBTQI+ survivors with LGBTQI+service providers and of course an under-resourcing that prevented the correction of thesefailings.Authentic Insider | Page 19

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This systematic failure createsemotional and physicalchallenges to recovery forLGBTQI+ survivors, which cancause feelings of isolation; guilt,shame and anxiety. This can befurther complicated if theindividual is not out and maymake it more difficult to discloseand find support in theircommunity or faith communities.Further, when the victim is notout to their community or lovedones, the abusers often exploitsthis fact as part of the power andcontrol dynamic to keep thevictim from reporting, orconvincing the victim that theywill not be believed.Victim blaming is unfortunatelycommon in sexual assault andintimate partner violence. Manystudies and legal theories havebeen explored about theunderlying basis for victimblaming. However, most of thesestudies focus on heteronormativestandards of sexual assault andphysical abuse. According to theJournal of Homosexuality, onlyabout 4 studies have been done exploring sexual orientation as afactor of victim-blaming but noneinclude victim-blaming. (1) Someimportant findings from thosestudies include that malesgenerally endorse more victim-blaming attitudes toward sexualassault victims overall, regardlessof sexual orientation. Further,studies found that straightwomen may be blamed morethan lesbian women. Perhapsunsurprisingly, researchers of thatstudy found that proposed sexualattraction hypothesis, i.e. whenthere is a perceived potential forsexual attraction between afemale victim and maleperpetrator, participants perceivea victim as more blameworthy;they unconsciously desire to beassaulted. However, althoughlesbians are blamed less, manyparticipants believed lesbianscould have avoided being sexuallyassaulted over straight women, insum, that they should haveknown better.It is necessary of criminal justicereformers to both understandthese barriers, preconceived ideas"This systematicfailure createsemotional andphysical challengesto recovery forLGBTQI+ survivors,which can causefeelings of isolation;guilt, shame andanxiety."[1] The Influence of Sexual Orientation on Attributions of Blame Toward Victims of SexualAssault: Journal of Homosexuality: Vol 67, No 2 ( Insider | Page 20

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and help break them down. That startswith nationwide implementation of atrauma-informed practice. Understandingtrauma, how it affects the brain andmemory is critical in the pursuit of justice.Reformers need to fight for training andcontinued advocacy on behalf of theLGBTQI+ community. We also needdedicated federal funding aimed atresearching, developing, implementing,and evaluating programs aimed atincreasing reports and prosecutions ofcrimes as they relate to LGBTQI+ victims.These changes are significant and willrequire an overhaul of the status quo andwill require not only the support of theLGBTQI+ community but will requireallyship and learning on the part of thecommunity’s law enforcement partners. Sofor June, we ask that you take a moment tolearn about the need for increasedprotections for LGBTQI+ victims of sexualand intimate partner violence and take upthe cause demanding equality for allvictims and survivors. The authors of this article, Melissa Hoppmeyer, and KathrynMarsh, are prosecutors in the special victims unit at PrinceGeorge's County in Maryland. They also host a weekly podcastcalled "No Grey Zone."Authentic Insider | Page 21

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"I learned that courage was not theabsence of fear, but the triumph over it.The brave man is not he who does not feelafraid, but he who conquers that fear."- Nelson Mandela Authentic Insider | Page 23

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was happy. I started school, began to make friends,and became quickly acclimated to my newenvironment. My aunt started sending us to an after-school program that was owned and operated by anextended family member. My memories there wereeventful but consistent; it was the first time I had feltany consistency in my life, things were great untilthey were not.My first memory of sex abuse was at the age of 6. Iwas slated to be the “helper of the day” for the after-school program I was a part of. I was extremelyexcited about the position and eager to get to work.The program director asked me to go to thebasement where the deep freezer was to get icecream sandwiches for all of the kids. While downthere I heard a familiar voice say, “do you need anyhelp?” I replied “no!” but in the bubbliest 6-year-oldway (I was also thinking, I am a big girl! I got this). AsI was on my way back upstairs, he stopped me andsaid “come here” so I did; after all, he was the son ofthe program director, a teenager and way cooler t was said that I had my first experience withsex at the age of two. I had somehow been givensomething that could only be contracted throughsex. I sat with that. I took time to think it through.Had my life already become so dark? Although the STD was not permanent and easilycured, my mom took the necessary steps for me tobe safe. That story somehow shaped what would bethe rest of my life.When I was 6 years old, I moved to what seemed likeacross the world, Minneapolis, Minnesota. My aunthad agreed to “keep me” while my mother wasgetting on her feet. She was a successful woman;married by common law and lived in a suburb ofMinnesota. Thinking back on it, it was the mostpractical idea. She already had two children aroundmy age and one more would not hurt.I arrived at my Pocahontas-themed bedroom sharedwith my cousin. My bed was closest to the window. I Creating Light From DarknessBy Kiara RuthAshley OlsonPhotography, Boone, NC Authentic Insider | Page 24

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My body was aplayground for myabuser. During ourfrequentsleepovers, hewould come andwake me up in themiddle of thenight to sexuallyabuse me.than me (so, I thought). Ourconversation went a little like this:Him: “Do you know what that is”(pointing at my vagina)Me: “Yes! That’s my private area!”Him: “Can I touch it?”I was very puzzled, and I did notrespond. He proceeded to pullme close, pull my clothes downand touch me in a way I hadnever experienced. He told me tonever tell anyone what happened,and I did not, at least at thatmoment. Sadly, I walked backupstairs with the ice creamsandwiches and I did not say aword.The sexual abuse in the after-school program became afrequent thing. Because we wereclose to the family; we wouldspend nights there, go to birthdayparties there and hang out often.My body was a playground for my abuser. During our frequentsleepovers, he would come andwake me up in the middle of thenight to sexually abuse me. Hewould force me to touch him,perform oral sex on him and if Idid a "good enough" job, he wouldreward me by ejaculating all overme.With the abuse being so frequent, Ihad become accustomed to it. Itwas like my 6 now 7-year-old selfwas in a relationship with ateenager. I was beyond scaredaround him. His smell cut me likea knife and his voice made mystomach quiver. When I got the news that my momwas finally on her feet and I couldgo home, that might have beenthe best day of my life, but Isomehow felt bad for him. I wouldnot be there to fulfill his sickfantasies. How would he feel aboutme leaving and most of all, if I toldsomeone, would he kill me? Laura Memory Photography, Durham, NCAuthentic Insider | Page 25

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My son was sufferingbecause of my past. Isomehow made my realityhis reality.I moved back to Little Rock,Arkansas and I only shared mysexual abuse with one person;she was the daughter of one ofmy mom's friends. I beggedher not to tell anyone and shedid not. It would not be untilthe 5th grade that I shared mysexual abuse story again butthis time, it would be to ChildProtective Services.My trauma from sexual abusemade its way into mymotherhood. I remember mygrandmother asking me, “Whydid you bring your son in thebathroom with you, did youthink I would harm him orsomething?” My quick answerwas “no, of course not, I justdidn’t want anyone to feelthey needed to keep an eye onhim while I went to thebathroom.” Although thisquestion puzzled me a little, itwas valid. I was overprotectiveof my son.I did not let him out of mysight and when I did leavehim, 15 mins was the max. Ijust wanted him to be safe. Mysexual abuse was creepinginto my motherhood and howI parented my son. Whenmoms were naming theirchildren’s genitals withnicknames, I did not do that. Icalled a penis a penis becauseI did not want him to beconfused. When people wereallowing their children to bekept for a long period of time bysitters, I did not! I needed tomake sure that he couldcommunicate with me just incase something happened.I would not be able to handle ifsomething happened to him.The weight of being a parent is hard as is but when I began tothink of all the horrible thingsthat could happen if I let himout of my sight, it made mephysically and mentally sick. Myson was suffering because ofmy past. I somehow made myreality his reality. We haveloving friends and family that Icould trust but I struggled to dothat.Now as a thriver, I have forgivenmyself. I am reconnecting withmy body. I am open to sharingmy story and I have evenforgiven my abuser. Of course,all of these things have takentime to walk through but I haveembraced the journey, I amthriving. Authentic Insider | Page 26

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I AMENOUGHI AM ENOUGH. I DOENOUGH. I HAVE ENOUGH.Those are the words framedover my vanity. I see it when Iwake up in the morning and Isee it before I go to bed atnight. However, these are justwords that at times elicit no realmeaning. I regularly questionmy worth. I am aware of how lucky I am tohave a caring husband, and hisfamily, who support me and myjourney towards wellness. Ihave two beautiful children, adog I am obsessed with, andmom friends who love andsupport me. However, prior togoing into residential treatmentlast year, I didn’t live in thisreality. I lived in the mind of ayoung teenager who never feltsafe. As a child, I lived with a motherwho was not affectionate and afather who was so affectionatethat he made up for the neglectI suffered from my mother, until he didn’t. While I had hopedthat my father could give methe approval that I yearnedfrom my mother, that ultimatelyended in sexual abuse. My mother became pregnantwith me at the age of 39, whichwas and is still considered high-risk. During and following herpregnancy, my mom developedpreeclampsia, hypo-thyroid andother issues for which sheblamed me through mychildhood. I was constantlyreminded of the “ugly” scar thatcame with her c-section. I was,I believed, a majorinconvenience. In truth,however, my mother’s angerand insecurities were amplifiedby undiagnosed postpartumdepression, a realization thatultimately she admitted to meafter I left for college.To so many of my cousins, mymother is a hero. She workedlong hours at two differenthospitals to not only take care "While I had hoped that myfather could give me theapproval that I yearned frommy mother, that ultimatelyended in sexual abuse." Authentic Insider | Page 29

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of my family, but also put nearly all of my cousinsand relatives through college. Those long hoursconstantly wore her down. By the time my mothercame home from work, my need for her attentionwas unwelcomed and a nuisance. My mom “helped”with homework and if I wasn’t doing it correctly orwasn’t quick enough for her to nap between jobs,she would become extremely angry and would callme names and slam things on my desk. There weretimes where I would lie and say I didn’t havehomework just to avoid her wrath altogether,eventually leading to poor grades and difficultyfocusing in school.My father often swooped in when my mother wouldtake her exhaustion out on me. He doted on me as ayoung child and I loved him very much. He wouldconstantly remind me that my mother didn’t wantto have another child but that he prayed for me tocome, playing the hero while my mother held therole of villain. I felt that he was my only safe place. Ialways wanted to be with him and would often cryhysterically when he left. However, as I grew to theage where neighborhood boys started innocentlycoming around, my dad would aggressively shoothem away. He told me that they were after “onething.” Not too long thereafter, he began groomingme, telling and showing me what that “one thing”was, eventually leading to the abuse. I didn’t realizeit was abuse at the time, but as a child, I didn’t knowany better. No one talked about “good touching” or“bad touching” with me. I was also taught thattalking about this sort of physical contact was taboo,something that you don’t talk to other people about.This was a time when many things like money,politics and religion were deemed inappropriate forcasual conversation. I assumed that the discussion ofthe “birds and the bees” fell into the same category.Once I started making friends in middle school, mydad’s need to keep me isolated became moreaggressive. I assume this was because of his fear Iwould tell someone about “our secret.” Eventually, Istarted avoiding his advances and when he wouldjoke around, I responded with anger. Soon enough,he left, claiming to travel overseas for some work,leaving for months at a time. I believe it was myuncontrollable behavior that scared him. I was aticking time bomb and he didn’t want to be aroundwhen I exploded. While my father was away and my mother workednights, I felt free to do whatever I wanted, makingway for the development of maladaptive copingmechanisms. I began self-medicating with alcohol,marijuana and pills that were available to suppressflashbacks of the abuse. I began seeking “love” fromboys and men who showed me any interest,eventually becoming hypersexual. I used mysexuality to gain control over my own body yet putmyself in extremely dangerous situations as a teen,in college and even after. But I was also groomed tobelieve sex meant love, validation, and supportwhich I (and everyone) needs.Authentic Insider | Page 30

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When my father would come back home, I becameanxious and scared again. I was living in anextremely heightened state of fight or flight. Wewould have screaming matches, leading me torunaway or attempt to take my life. He would leaveagain and I would go back to my “bad behavior.” Heand my mom would constantly tell me how I was abad child and that my friends were a bad influence.They constantly called me a slut or a whore.Eventually, my peers followed suit, emboldened tobully me, key my car, graffiti “Lorilee is a Slut” on myparent’s home and even at my school. There were few places I could turn too. I may have forgiven my mother and felt empathy forwhat she had gone through in the years strugglingsilently with post-partum depression, but that didn’talleviate the emotional scars I suffered or change thebehaviors I developed from it. I felt unloved andunheard. While I now know that my father sufferedfrom his own sexual abuse, his betrayal nonethelessdestroyed my self-worth and provoked PTSDsymptoms that led to more unresolved trauma.PTSD results in an elevated state of stress andanxiety, which I continued to live with throughcollege and adulthood, and ultimately as a parent.What other people saw as everyday problems, I sawas life or death situations. If you’ve seen meoverreacting to a “normal” situation, I want you tounderstand it’s not that situation I am reacting to.My nervous system has been triggered and isresponding to a memory that I hope you never hador will ever have to experience.Many children who struggle with abuse at homefind solace in school. Many children who feel anxietyat school find home to be a safe haven. For me, therewas no such place where I felt safe.Inner safety means feeling safe from mental orphysical harm. It’s fundamental to a person’swellbeing. Today, I am making positive strides in myrecovery and creating stability in areas where I havealways felt unstable. I remind myself of where I amand what I have now. I remind myself of the reasonsto be grateful, making it easier to find peace andfocus on the present. These are the moments I comecloser to feeling ENOUGH. Authentic Insider | Page 31

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Revisioning works through simulating the re-attachmentin a mirror of elements of lost identity following grief ortrauma. This is more often preferred because inRevisioning , people don't have to re-live traumatic events.Revisioning has been found to activate the Mirror NeuronSystem and six additional brain networks. This createsmore empathy for the client, which overrides grief andtrauma. Revisioning TheoryALTERNATIVEMODALITIES TOHEALING PTSDFor more information regarding Revisioning Theory, hear my experiencewith this modality in my episode aboutSomatic Experiencing, onA Trauma Survivor Thriver's Podcastinterview with Dr. Dale DeNunzioAuthentic Insider | Page 32

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For more information regarding SomaticExperiencing, Check out "A Trauma SurvivorThriver's Podcast interview with Dr. DaleDeNunzioTo find out about about CannabisIntegrative Therapy with SomaticExperiencing, Check out Episode 34with SE Practitioner Eduardo CortinaAuthentic Insider | Page 33

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Eye Movement DesensitizationReprocessing (EMDR)Authentic Insider | Page 34

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Orjusttuneintoyoursenses and takenoticeof...Authentic Insider | Page 37

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Harriet loves costumes. She wears them tothe dentist, to the supermarket, and mostimportantly, to her super-special dress-upbirthday party. Her dads have decoratedeverything for the party and Harriet has hermost favorite costume all picked out for thebig day. There’s just one thing missing—partyhats!When Steve and Derek adopted a mini pignamed Esther, they had no idea that shewould turn out to be not-so-mini after all.When her new family saw just how big andwonderful Esther really was, they fell inlove--and their lives changed forever. *I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means to earn fees by linking to and affiliated sites.Authentic Insider | Page 41This autobiographical picture book about atransgender child chronicles the story of herlife (so far); in her words, "I have a girl brainbut a boy body." This is an excellent choice tojump-start a conversation about gender,identify, compassion, and honesty.

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A memoir by Imani Kaliid about how childhood physical abuse and theunpredictable environment of South Central Los Angeles shaped his life as anadult. Kaliid uses his experience and his voice to provide support for men whostruggle with mental illness, especially PTSD. Working with Worry is a hands-on workbook that you can turn to for easy-to-understand information, recommendations, and support. Parents will learn aboutwhat anxiety looks like in children, reflect on their own experiences with anxiety,and find a wealth of intervention activities to try with their children. The activitiesuse proven techniques including mindfulness, creativity, and self-regulation, andare organized by type of intervention, age, and areas of interest.In The Four Agreements, bestselling author don Miguel Ruiz reveals the source ofself-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. Based onancient Toltec wisdom, The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conductthat can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, truehappiness, and love.*I am a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means to earn fees by linking to and affiliated sites.Authentic Insider | Page 42

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Authentic Insider | Page 43Some people are starting or ending partnerships. This could revolve aroundbusiness, love, career, and/or work. Many of you are seeing your dreams manifest into reality while others arewishing and praying to bring what is desired into fruition. There are some whohave learned important life lessons and gained a lot of wisdom from a pastexperience. Few of you are working on building a firm foundation with someone or just withinyourself. This is a good time to practice self-love and self-compassion. Theremay be some secrets that are being held back. Something in your life now or inthe past can no longer be ignored. This is a transformative moment. You arestanding in your truth and certain people may not like that. It’s always good to dowhat is best for you. A situation you were dealing with was holding you backfrom living to your fullest potential. No more are you allowing that. Time forchange, growth and to expand your life. You're ready for it. You are no longer accepting low-vibrational connections, relationships, orfriends. You are letting go of a long-term relationship. Maybe even a job or careerthat was not making you happy. It’s advisable to leave whatever it is behind. It’s agreat time to plan for the future if you haven't already. Take some time to write out your 3 month, 6 month, or 1 year goals for yourself inall areas in your life. Be patient and always believe in yourself. Have faith and bespecific about what you want and when you want it to happen. The universe isalways listening and wanting to help you. For those who are newly single, a former partner is thinking about you and wantsto come back. However, you are no longer entertaining it and they are upset.Most of you are right where you are meant to be. Remember that everythinghappens for a reason. To help with healing and recovery you may want to indulgein things you are most passionate about in life.That will help take your mind offthe past. Few of you are working too much. Take some time out to rest and rejuvenate.Your body will thank you later. For those in a relationship or married, tryspending more time with your partner. Show some tenderness, love, and care.Travel or take a trip to get that spark and connection. Spice things up if you needto. Again, focus on healing and take as much time as you need. Know that prosperitylies ahead for you. Always be willing to change. Go with the flow of life, andthings will be less stressful. Be positive, and know things will get better.with Joy Larkin (June 1 - June 30, 2021) Joy is a Narcissistic Abuse Survivor whohas made it her life's work to help othersthrough life coaching. She is also ahealer, earth angel and psychic medium.If you would like coaching services fromJoy and/or get your own personalreading, please scan the barcode belowwith your smartphone camera.READINGSINFO