that no one could possibly
love me and I didn’t matter. If
I left, I would be alone for the
rest of my life and the pain of
that fear was worse than stay-
ing. When my marriage broke
down, I went out into the dat-
ing world trying to prove to
him that I could be loved and
be loved by someone amazing.
Well, that didn’t happen. I was
provided more evidence that I
was unlovable or only wanted
by men whose behaviour was
worse than my husbands. Fun-
ny thing, I am now happy with
being alone and the idea of a
solitary life no longer causes
me pain or fear, in fact, I enjoy
being alone.
I was scared of my par-
ents. This has got to be the
most irrational fear I had at the
time. I was scared that my par-
ents wouldn’t love me if I left
him. I had no good reason for
leaving besides I didn’t want to
be with him. He didn’t cheat,
he was responsible, and he
didn’t beat me. He only yelled
and told me all the ways I was
useless. Growing up, I was
taught marriage was forever
and you didn’t bail because
you were unhappy, you stuck
it out through the bad times
for the good times. Divorce for
the sake of divorce was unac-
ceptable and bad for the kids.
Never mind that my son was
begging me to leave his dad.
In the end, my relationship with
my parents is better than it
ever was. I now realize they will
love me even when I fall at on
my face. I know, I should have
known that before.
I didn’t see myself as be-
ing abused. I didn’t see his
behaviour as abusive. I didn’t
understand that I was in con-
stant fear of his moods and
believed what he told me,
“I didn’t deserve better.” He
didn’t want to be whipped and
doing anything for me meant
he was whipped. I thought I
was OK with never having help