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You are too early You are too early You are too early

Chest pain cant breath Mental Health Foundation Panic Disorder Mental Health Foundation Accessed November 29 2022 https mentalhealthfoundation org health conditions anxiety disorders panic beating heart Fatigue IN THE ROOM I passed through the doorway The scalding coffee had soaked through my jeans and through my favorite pair of underwear that were covered in monkeys It had cooled and quickly became a bothersome icy feeling along my upper thighs Wetness trickled down my breastbone and along the seam of my abdomen What is this Nausea I rubbed my hand against my stomach and bunched my sweatshirt into my fists I passed through the next doorway and into a room A clawfoot tub rusted around the edges and filled to the brim with milky aquamarine water sat perched in the middle of the space I approached it finding my reflection upon the surface The blurred image of my face revealed a swollen eye purple and black a split lip and cuts down the right side of my cheek I touched my eye gingerly instantly feeling what might have been a fire poker piercing through my brain I closed my good eye tight I backed away from the tub and looked down at my body The wetness grew beginning only as warmth transforming into a darker coldness and rough cotton chafing against smooth skin My wrists burned for some reason too A dull burn though The kind that is beneath the skin I need to be dry It all brought me to an agitated fogginess which wrapped around the hemispheres of my brain making me want to fall forwards into the ground and crawl up and go to sleep forever Tears welled up in my eyes and I leaned up against the wall I held my abdomen feeling the wetness seeping through my sweatshirt Every brush of wet fabric against the skin every pinprick of a cut or the pulsating flow of blood to the brain was amplified within an instant I want to be dry and warm Big collection of decorative elements banners arrows leaves flowers flourishes switzergirl2015 Adobe Stock I m gonna vomit I rubbed my palm back and forth against my chest and swayed my head from side to side I tore at my sweatshirt and pulled it off yanking as the neckline got stuck behind my ears pulling at the cartilage My white t shirt underneath revealed a crimson flower that had bloomed bleeding through the cotton turning it a paler hue of maroon

The Mirror I ran my finger along with the darkest patch of rose letting the wetness cover my fingertip There was another dull burn coupled with a deep ache It felt as if it all came out of nowhere but everywhere all at the same time An ache like that of growing pains I need medicine I looked around the room searching for anything besides that bathtub Nothing is here I said to the walls And why can t I feel anything besides this burning Where did this blood come from There was that fact that blood is normally accompanied by a stronger sensation than that of mere aches Even deeper sometimes the slightest at times feelings from a prick of the skin like a paper cut to that of the deepest gash of severed flesh All of which were stronger sensations than this was What is this A resounding throbbing ripple of fire ignited behind my swollen eye interrupting my thoughts I pressed my palm against my forehead I looked down at my forearms of which were covered in slits spaced evenly from the crook of my elbow to the space at the wrists where all the fragile tendons lie I ran my fingers down the slits feeling the bumps of raised skin Another flicker of a flame sparked in my head wracking my body and blurring my vision A voice murmured behind me You should have gone to the hospital Who s there I felt my ribs breaking as I breathed harder and harder Who s there There was a voice yet there was no body I could attach it to Who s there I turned around over and over again trying to find something that felt real I must get out of here I knew walls couldn t talk but I almost expected them to I turned a final time and threw myself into a sprint through another doorway entering another different room I passed in front of a rectangular mirror that was leaned up against a wall I stopped to find my reflection once more this time clearer and appearing more mangled than before The crimson flower on my shirt had bloomed into a deeper splash of deep red sauvignon My breath caught and I crept closer to the mirror I hesitantly pulled at the hem of my shirt slowly pulling up and revealing a long opening of skin exposing a protrusion of a lavender pinkish colored organ Oh my god My eyes ran along the severe wound I held my T shirt up with a trembling hand tears flowed freely Snot bubbled in my nostrils mixing with the drool running down my chin Wh I pulsing shorter shifted choked and swallowed a sob What happened to me The of my lungs got shorter with each inhale getting even until I could no longer satisfy the pull for oxygen I from foot to foot as I struggled to let out a broken whine Am I done for I poked at the mangled flesh running my finger along the shreds of epithelial tissue again only feeling a slight sting The organ pulsed slightly warm underneath my finger Is this finally the end I stopped poking at my wound and lowered my shirt I wiped my eyes and pressed my palms into their sockets Am I okay with this I breathed deep and looked down at my feet Blood speckled my white laces and stained the other white parts of my torn Chuck Taylors I frowned feeling that similar pang of disappointment the kind when you realize your favorite shoes are done for I sniffed forgetting the blood that was pooling in my wound I really need to get around to buying a new pair of shoes I said sniffing again and wiping my eyes harder I looked around the room I need new shoes Then buy some another voice spoke I twirled quickly to catch the voice this time But again there was nothing Where are you I hugged my body digging my thumbs in between two ribs that felt loose I twirled around myself looking from one white wall to the next I spun around the other way looking at another white wall adjacent to another and another unremarkable white walls I jammed my fingers into my knotted hair that was tied back in an unfortunately lopsided bun My lip trembled as I frantically looked around for a window or any indication of where the hell I was

take me home Ouch lost

Resurrection mercy I screamed I cried I begged Someone help me My voice reverberated off the box I was in making my ears ring parallel to the white noise I crouched in on myself dropping to the floor and wrapping my arms around my head I rocked slowly as one does when they have to self soothe Something flickered above me a single light bulb It was the light from a hanging light It swung above me I looked past the doorway and noticed that the hall was lined with those swinging bulbs All flickering and casting dull shadows even though there were nothing there to cast them It was all so unnatural These must be the lights I have to follow The whiteness and everything else that was pure ivory My heart palpitated I coughed A spitter of blood oozed through the gaps of my teeth and dripped down my lips trickling down the bump of my chin I touched the bump of my chin and looked at the pad of my thumb red and gooey freedom I m bleeding internally I closed my eyes and bit my lip final There s no way out of this I let the sobs slowly wrap around my body making every atom of me tremble I stood up and took a deep breath I am not just going to sit here and die I started to run again I ran through another doorway crashing into a wall that seemed to come out of nowhere I fell instantly wrapped in a fuzzy gray darkness with a smattering of stars God if you are merciful I prayed Take me swiftly if you haven t taken me already I crawled in on myself imitating the version of myself my mother unconditionally loved when I just a tadpole floating in a balloon of fluids was my mother s only hope for salvation I ballooning her stomach as you did once too gave her a seed to plant her own desires in There I was as you will be eventually as well curled back up into a ball preparing for the next round of conception final rite heaven hell Purgatory ity

Uncle Ben Hey Huh Delphi Get up The strong voice bobbed in and out of my consciences Get up You look like a dying animal right about now I groaned and tried to curl back into my ball Let me be Damnit Del A hand wrapped around my forearm pulling me up from the floor You re early for dinner The voice breathed out slowly We weren t expecting you and now you ve thrown everything off damnit I looked up Uncle Ben My mouth gaped as I tried to pull together the fuzzy image of my once alive uncle You are so early He shook his head and drug me around a corner into a darkened hall void of the swinging fluorescent bulbs You are not kind to yourself you know But Uncle Ben He released me and turned What Del Y you are supposed to be dead He rolled his eyes Were Or rather used to be Uncle Ben pulled me further Used to be How can you be dead in the past tense I m here aren t I I swallowed some blood and pulled at my shirt And you are here I couldn t see him but I knew Uncle Ben smiled And that is the present tense I m bleeding Uncle Ben I must be dying My breath suddenly caught in my throat again and the trembling settled in my ribcage It felt as if I was developing a high fever I stumbled and Uncle Ben pulled me up fast and jarring I don t know what is happening though Uncle Ben where am I What is happening Took the wrong turn to the hospital that s all But it s okay A wrong turn To the hospital Yep A wrong turn That s all And you spilt your coffee Uncle Ben chuckled Finally decided to drive yourself to the hospital eh But had to stop and get coffee In the middle of a snowstorm What I saw the vague outline of Uncle Ben s hand wave me off Eh It doesn t matter all that much now It doesn t Nah I mean it does Kind of His voice faltered and the tapping of our shoes filled the space It s just that s how you are Waiting till its dire Trying to do everything yourself all over again when we ve told you you ought not to I heard him sniff and he adjusted his tight grasp on my arm He pulled me like some pitiful wounded pup I can t see where I m going Uncle Ben He coughed You don t always have to know where you re going Del You know Granted you get where you re going of course And sometimes even that s subjective I blinked away some tears How can that be subjective And I still don t understand how you can be dead in the past tense What d ya mean It s easy to paused and there was silence doorway Here we are Uncle pushed me through the doorway inas understand And I already told ya He We turned another corner and found a lit Ben said pulling me close into him He the pale yellow light burning my ret A sweet voice cut through the light She s here Already But the potatoes aren t done yet

NO OU TG O IN G CA L LS We were making dinner for you but we didn t realize you d be here so early Delphie Usually you re always so late

The Family Uncle Ben patted my shoulder Yep She s a bit early Mamie Took the wrong turn Spilled some coffee He looked down at me and smiled It happens I shook my head and felt tears welling up in the corners of my eyes C mon Ed She s just gotten here She ought to be dreadfully tired Clara said But she s early It s the late ones who are tired all the time Mamie rinsed off a plate in a deep silver sink and dried her hands She squinted at me and frowned with pink and youthful lips I thought she d be taller by now Delphi dear Clara asked Uncle Ben pushed me into a rickety oak chair She opened her mouth but just smiled instead Her chestnut eyes shown brightly though they were also hinted with gray The swirls of blonde curls that framed her face bounced as she spoke It s okay not to know anything right now She picked at a finger nail and forced a deeper smile I was early too What the hell is happening Benjamin would you please set out the napkins These potatoes ought to be done soon Mamie said and then scooted herself against the stove pouring cream into a pot Where are the napkins Back closet a different soft deep voice spoke I turned and met pair of aqua eyes with my own Hello there The man squinted It s Delphi right I nodded Good I t good to finally meet you face to face He smiled painfully I frowned Yes Early for what though I stood up knocking over my chair I grabbed my ears and pulled them I m so confused Clara frowned and looked at the floor She picked up the chair and pushed me back into it Sit The potatoes are almost ready I don t want potatoes My voice trembled I want to go home Both Clara and Ed looked at me with utter sad sympathy You re not going home Ed said What do you mean I m not going home Sorry the man began but stopped to rub his nose and pull at the table cloth Sorry if I forget your name there s just so many names to remember here Ed shook his head and pointed to my shirt which was now dripping with blood I had almost forgotten all about that organ popping out of my stomach I pressed my hands into my loose stomach suddenly embarrassed that my entrails were falling out Do you know happened to me Oh Apparently you took the wrong turn Ed said shrugging Yeah there are so many names that come and go all the time here The man blinked and pointed at me You re early though Just like Clara was the man said pointing at the woman Uncle Ben called Mamie He looked at me with wide foggy eyes You must be able to keep all these names straight eh Well first she spilled her coffee into her lap Uncle Ben corrected walking back into the kitchen Then she took the wrong turn And now she is here I looked around the otherwise empty steamy kitchen Everything seemed to be billowing with water vapor there were pots boiling over and heat emanating from a lit stove I swallowed what felt like a large egg being shoved down my throat Uh what names Stop crying Jesus Del You sound like a dying animal But where is here Uncle Ben is this Hell Am I in Hell

Uncle Ben is this Hell Am I in Hell Oh my god I told you already You re not dead You re just early Uncle Ben threw the napkins on the table and pointed to the man She s not dead Papa He lowered his hand and frowned At least not yet Then they all looked to the back wall of the kitchen There the phone hung Uncle Ben got up swiftly Hello Yes He looked over at me with hollow eyes Yes she is here Yes yes Quite a bit early I would say What s the difference Ed shrugged I furrowed my brows and bit at my lower lip until it bled What IS the difference Uncle Ben ran a hand down his face Look It was an accident Del You might pull through He grabbed my shoulders and smiled You might pull through I agree it would be a damn shame It was just a wrong turn you know Just a little spilled coffee That s all He picked at the hem of his shirt and then ran a hand through his hair Yeah he laughed That s all it was I found her on the floor All bloody Thought she was another dying animal that got in here by accident I made a squeal in my throat and spit up some blood Exhaustion was finally taking over Are you sure Uncle Ben laughed again and muttered something about if he hadn t found me then they would have Maybe Uncle Ben said Maybe you will get better and have a husband babies and He paused and looked up to the ceiling Ah And lots of plants I didn t like that I scooted my bottom to the edge of the chair leaning in towards Uncle Ben s figure hunched over the phone I grimaced and squinted at his beaming face What kind of plants Oh I don t know He said shrugging The green kind and the purple kind maybe even the blue kind He kept nodding his head fast Yes yes He pinched his bottom lip and closed his eyes Uh Yeah That s okay He squinted and frowned Um Yeah Well I held my breath waiting for his response Oh I nodded furrowing brows But look I pulled up the hem of my shirt to show Uncle Ben my wound Is this okay Ed pressed his fingers into his cheeks and tugged at his wrinkles shifting his eyes from Uncle Ben to me and then back to Uncle Ben Uncle Ben turned his face covering his nose and mouth Uh I m sure that s okay He pushed my hand down to cover my abdomen Just uh keep that covered for now Uncle Ben rubbed his forehead You see I just don t think I like that He shook his head and shifted on his feet Is there anything else we can do I mean I will personally take her back if need be I nodded and burped up a bubble of blood Take me where The potatoes are almost done Clara said softly She clicked the heels of her Oxford flats and ran her hands through a towel a few times Uncle Ben raised a finger to his lips hushing me Clara walked over and began rubbing my shoulders She kissed the top of my head and whispered We ll take care of you We already know about the potatoes I mumbled Uncle Ben sat down next to me and folded his hands Ed tapped his fingers against the table Uncle Ben sighed Okay Fine Yes that works Yes we will leave right now Yup Hmmmmm okay Bye Uncle Ben slammed the phone back in its place He turned to me and frowned We need to leave My mouth gaped Now Where Uh Delphi Ed asked Uncle Ben wiped his mouth Out of here He walked over and

grabbed my hand pulling me from the chair I grunted as a billow of flame grew behind my swollen eye once again Clara grabbed my other hand Where are you taking her Ben They haven t come for her yet Uncle Ben shrugged his shoulders They want me to deliver her to Reginald Clara sighed and looked at me with swimming eyes We ll save you a plate I squinted and stood up slowly resolved Please don t

Reginald Back to Earth Reginald stood in a different doorway his black hair slicked back and his eyebrows brushed down He wore a tight shave and a blue checkered handkerchief in the front pocket of his crisp white suit My back was soaked from the slush that littered the asphalt The smell of burning gasoline burned my nostrils and the crunching of metal trickled down my spine I took a labored breath in and my lungs screamed I tried opening my eyes but they were assaulted by the flare of red yellow and blue I stared at his shoes Who are you The man smiled big revealing a smile filled with crooked and shiny teeth that jutted out at every angle My name is Reginald He stuck out a hand with long skinny fingers and black painted fingernails She s awake A voice yelled I didn t take his hand Reginald is a weird name A man came into view him with blonde and caramel eyes Do you know where you are He retracted his hand sticking it in his pocket Delphi is a weird name he said frowning Uh Del is ready to go Uncle Ben interrupted Is she Reginald raised an eyebrow and leaned back into his heels I nodded Fine Reginald held out his hand again I did not take it Reginald rolled his eyes How are you ever supposed to eat if you never take the food from the hand offered to you I shrugged and hesitantly placed my hand into his A hand that was cold and electric Reginald began to pull me through the doorway and I turned Uncle Ben waved goodbye I m awake Suddenly I felt an onslaught of hands all over me pulling me onto a stretcher I shook my head He flashed a light in my eyes and someone else layed their body on top of my stomach You need to keep pressure on her someone yelled Do you know why you were out driving in the storm The man asked pressing his fingers into my neck I nodded It all came back to me I tilted my head towards my forearms that were covered in razor cuts The man closed his eyes and nodded He rubbed my cheek with his gloved hand moving his thumb in circles across my wind chaffed skin Next time call an ambulance