2024 LCMS Reconciler Training : simplebooklet.com

2 Ambassadors of Reconciliation is a non-profit, international ministry founded to equip Christians and their churches for living, proclaiming, and cultivating lifestyles of reconciliation. We are a Recognized Service Organization of The Lutheran Church – Missouri Synod. Our approach is based upon the Holy Scriptures and the Lutheran Confessions. Learn more about us at www.aorhope.org. Except for quotes from Luther’s Small Catechism, The Book of Concord, or unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved. Quotations from Luther’s Small Catechism are from Luther’s Small Catechism with Explanation © 1986, 1991 Concordia Publishing House. Used with permission. All rights reserved. www.cph.org. With the exception of the Small Catechism, the quotations from the Lutheran Confessions in this publication are from The Book of Concord: The Confessions of the Evangelical Lutheran Church, ed. by Theodore G. Tappert, Fortress Press © 1959. This publication is designed to provide general information on biblical conflict resolution. It is not intended to provide legal or other professional advice. If legal counsel or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought. © 2005, 2011, 2014, 2017, 2020, 2024 by Ambassadors of Reconciliation. All rights reserved.

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3 Contents Introduction: LCMS Reconciler Training ............................................................ 5 How to Approach the Training .........................................................................................6 Who Can Use These Principles .........................................................................................7 Ground Rules .....................................................................................................................8 What Further Training Is Available ................................................................................9 Post-Training Consultation and Support ......................................................................10 Instructors ........................................................................................................................11 Chapter 1: Dispute Resolution of the LCMS ...................................................... 13 1. How This Training Course Meets the Purpose .......................................................14 Chapter 2: Living a Lifestyle of Reconciliation .................................................. 19 1. Go and Be Reconciled ................................................................................................20 2. Remember Whose You Are.......................................................................................22 3. Repent before God .....................................................................................................25 4. Receive God’s Forgiveness ........................................................................................29 5. Confess to the Other Person......................................................................................32 6. Forgive as God Forgave You ....................................................................................36 7. Restore with Gentleness ............................................................................................39 Chapter 3: Coaching People through Conflict ................................................... 43 1. The Role of the Coach................................................................................................44 2. Check Mindset ............................................................................................................49 3. Be Reconciled to God – Part 1 ..................................................................................58 4. Be Reconciled to God – Part 2 ..................................................................................64 5. Be Reconciled to God – Part 3 ..................................................................................74 6. Be Reconciled to Others ............................................................................................81 7. Coaching through Homework ..................................................................................91 8. Sample Homework Assignments ..............................................................................93 9. Seeking Additional Expertise ..................................................................................117 Chapter 4: Mediation...........................................................................................119 1. The Role of the Mediator ........................................................................................120 2. Pre-Mediation ...........................................................................................................125 3. The Mediation Process ............................................................................................135 4. Greetings and Ground Rules ..................................................................................137 Sample Reconciler Greetings & Ground Rules – Formal Reconciliation Mtg.. 140 5. Opening Statements of the Parties .........................................................................144 6. Story Telling .............................................................................................................145 7. Private Meetings (Caucuses) ...................................................................................150

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4 8. Problem Identification and Clarification...............................................................153 9. Explore Solutions .....................................................................................................158 10. Lead to Agreement ...................................................................................................160 11. Post Mediation ..........................................................................................................163 12. Reconciler’s Report (Synodical) .............................................................................165 Chapter 5: Adjudication ......................................................................................167 1. The Role of the Adjudicator....................................................................................168 2. Pre-Adjudication Preparations...............................................................................182 3. Finalizing Issue Statements .....................................................................................190 4. The Adjudication Hearing ......................................................................................196 Sample Facilitator Opening Statement – Dispute Resolution (or Review) Panel ... 200 Sample transition statement for presentation of evidence……………………... 209 Sample statement for receiving evidence………………………………………... 210 Sample Facilitator Closing Statement for a Dispute Resolution Panel……….. 211 Sample Facilitator Closing Statement for a Review Panel…………………….. 212 5. Decisions and Awards ..............................................................................................213 6. Post Adjudication .....................................................................................................222 Chapter 6: Dealing with Conflicted Churches ..................................................227 1. Know Your Limitations ...........................................................................................228 2. Getting Help .............................................................................................................229 3. Getting Trained ........................................................................................................230 Chapter 7: Reconciliation Ministries in Our Congregation ............................233 1. Cultivating Lifestyles of Reconciliation .................................................................234 2. Equipping Our Members ........................................................................................237 3. Christian Reconciler ................................................................................................239 Chapter 8: Bibliography ......................................................................................243

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5 Introduction LCMS Reconciler Training This training is designed to encourage and equip you to respond to your own conflicts biblically as well as serving The Lutheran Church – Missouri Synod as a reconciler, facilitator, or district president under the Synodical Dispute Resolution System. In addition, this training will help you as a leader in your own congregation to develop a reconciliation ministry that supports your congregational work in the ministry of reconciliation. Please approach this training with confidence in God’s desire and ability to help you develop these life-changing skills. He is eager to give good gifts to his people and strengthen his church. In particular, this experience is designed to help you integrate and apply the training you have received in your personal life as well as in your service to the LCMS. More specifically, our goals are to help you: ▪ Remember that we are people who have been reconciled to God by the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. ▪ Appreciate more fully the sufficiency of a scriptural process for resolving conflict. ▪ Sharpen your ability to select the most helpful reconciliation role you can play in a given conflict situation. ▪ Identify your strengths and weaknesses as a peacemaker and work to improve and refine your skills. ▪ Learn how to apply specific biblical peacemaking principles in your own life and how to assist others in your church to do the same. ▪ Intentionally look for and recognize repentance and confession and proclaim God’s forgiveness ▪ Develop responses to common reconciliation mistakes and avoid the pitfalls that are common to peacemaking. ▪ Learn your roles as a reconciler or facilitator and properly employ them according to the Handbook of The Lutheran Church – Missouri Synod.

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6 How to Approach the Training Because this course is designed for a broad audience, we will be teaching a flexible and somewhat “generic” process in addition to the LCMS Dispute Resolution System. Therefore, do not be disappointed if we do not address every nuance or issue that you encounter in specific conflict situations. Further training in specialty areas is available, should you choose to pursue additional training in Christian conciliation. We encourage you to view this class as one step in a lifelong journey of learning how to be a peacemaker. Past participants have verified that by the end of the first day, you will be able to apply what you learn in your own life. Whatever your vocations, we are confident that you will never view conflict the same way again. Do not be intimidated by our discussion of legal processes and applicable law. This information is necessary for a comprehensive discussion of the mediation process and is helpful in putting Christian conciliation in its proper context. However, legal expertise is not required for most biblical peacemaking. If you are a pastor, attorney, professional counselor, or social worker, please allow time to integrate this information into your existing frame of reference. Some of what we say may be inconsistent with your presuppositions, training, and experience. Furthermore, you may know more than we do about certain topics and issues. Even so, please be open-minded and postpone rejecting specific principles until you have the entire process and system in front of you. Then be a “Berean” by rigorously examining what we teach with Scripture (Acts 17:11). Finally, if you have difficulty picturing yourself as a reconciler, simply imagine yourself discussing important issues with two fellow Christians from church or work. Together, you work to find a solution to a disagreement…to promote repentance, confession, forgiveness and peace in Christ (Romans 5:1). That is what reconciliation is.

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7 Who Can Use These Principles? While this training was specially prepared for LCMS reconcilers, facilitators, and district presidents, others will find this helpful in their respective vocations. This training is especially useful to: ▪ Pastors, elders, counselors, teachers, district presidents, and other church leaders who would like to facilitate biblical conflict resolution within their congregations and schools. ▪ Professors, educators, and other instructors who equip Christian leaders through colleges, universities, seminaries, and other institutions of higher education. ▪ Attorneys who would like to help their clients and churches use alternatives to civil litigation. ▪ Individuals who serve as informal peacemakers within their families, congregations, and communities. ▪ Parents and children as they grow together in their relationship with God and each other. ▪ People who serve as part of a reconciliation ministry in their church, school or other organization.

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8 Ground Rules Be a Berean Just as the Bereans did, test against the Scriptures all of the principles presented to you (Acts 17:11). Maintain Confidences To maximize your learning experience, we encourage you to be self-reflective and transparent with each other. In order to foster an environment where people can be honest about themselves, please respect the confidentiality of your fellow participants. ▪ Keep confidential what you are told by another participant unless you have the consent of that person to divulge it to someone else (including your instructor). ▪ During discussions, you may have occasion to mention situations involving third persons who may be known to others in this room. Please be careful how you refer to others in your organization. Change some facts to disguise any such references and protect confidentiality. Participate in Special Exercises Throughout the training, we employ special exercises and role-plays to facilitate greater learning. These exercises are essential to the training process and will greatly improve your conciliation skills. If a particular role presents difficulties for you, please ask your instructor for guidance or re-assignment to a different role. Ask Questions Your active interaction with the instructors and other participants is an integral part of our learning together. We love questions! However, in the interest of time and in order to facilitate group dynamics, the instructors may delay answering some questions until break times. Note Your Aha’s Please take the time to note your “Aha’s.” You will learn a great deal of information and may have some key insights into your present calling or situation. Make note of your insights so that you may easily refer back to them when you have a special need. Silence Electronic Devices Electronic communications technology can be distracting to others. Please be respectful of your fellow classmates and the instructors. Please keep your electronic devices on “silent” mode. If you must respond to an emergency call, please answer it outside the classroom.

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9 What Further Training is Available? Ambassadors of Reconciliation offers many other resources and training to enhance your education and hone your peacemaking skills. Please check our web site for more resources and training: www.AoRHope.org. For example: ▪ Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? Seminar for all Christians. ▪ Coaching People through Conflict Practicum: for training church reconcilers and church leaders in coaching. ▪ Mediating People through Conflict Practicum: for training church leaders to serve as mediators. ▪ Church Reconciler Training course, incorporating all the above and including more to equip individuals and organizations for reconciliation ministries. ▪ Group Reconciliation Assistance: Serving as Team Members – advanced training for working with conflicted churches. ▪ Leading Group Reconciliation Assistance Teams – advanced training for leading a GRA team. ▪ Advanced Coaching and Mediation – advanced training for conciliating difficult cases ▪ Teaching a Reconciliation Seminar – advanced training to equip you for teaching reconciliation and peacemaking ▪ Spiritual Lay Leadership Training for those serving in lay leadership. ▪ Structuring the Healthy Congregation for pastors and laity. Also available are interactive web-based training courses, such as: ▪ Personal Peacemaking ▪ Spiritual Leadership Ambassadors of Reconciliation annual reconciliation conference features key-note speakers and workshops as well as the opportunity to network with reconcilers from around the world. Prior to the conference, several of the above listed courses are available as pre-conference courses.

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10 Post-Training Consultation & Support For Secretary of Synod, LCMS Reconcilers and Facilitators, District Presidents, and others involved in the LCMS Synodical Dispute Resolution System. The Lutheran Church – Missouri Synod has arranged for consulting support services from Ambassadors of Reconciliation for those involved in the Synodical Dispute Resolution System. This consulting is available to help in application of actual cases, including special situations. Consultation will be available by on an hourly-fee basis. Most consultation can be handled by phone. Other requests may be made directly to our office. For LCMS Reconcilers and Facilitators: Use of consultation time by synodical reconcilers and facilitators will be limited by guidelines provided by the Secretary of the Synod. Contact the Secretary of the Synod for approval and process. For All Other Requests for Consultation: To utilize this consultation support, contact Ambassadors of Reconciliation for a consultation appointment with one of our staff. You may complete an Interview Agreement form from our web site to request an appointment (www.aorhope.org; select “Get Help;” then “Find Someone to Help You;” then “Get Started: Open a Case with Ambassadors of Reconciliation.”) You will be directed to complete an “Interview Agreement” form that will get the process started. Or, simply contact us at: (844) 447-2671 mail@aorhope.org

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11 Instructors All of our instructors are registered as Christian Conciliators™1. Annette Friesen serves as Administrative Assistant and Case Administrator for the Billings, MT office of Ambassadors of Reconciliation. She has provided conflict coaching to thousands of parties and serves on a wide array of conciliation cases. She is an experienced instructor in reconciliation. Before joining AoR, she served as Chief of Staff at Oratium, an executive communication and message architect company, and as Case Administrator for the Institute for Christian Conciliation. Her past included dabbling in writing, speaking, teaching, mediation and of course, raising her four children to adulthood. Along the way, she coordinated conferences, wrote articles for magazines and the web, lobbied in Washington, and managed to get her Bachelors in Communication and started a Master’s Degree in Biblical Conflict Resolution. Annette lives in Billings with her husband Rick. They have four children and thirteen grandchildren. Dwight Schettler serves as President of Ambassadors of Reconciliation and is a Certified Christian Conciliator2. He served on AoR's Board of Directors prior to joining the AoR staff in February 2014 as Vice President for Advancement. From 2011 to 2014, Dwight served as Director of Training & Certification for Peacemaker Ministries. In this role he oversaw many facets of ministry delivery, including all foundational and advanced training courses, Peacemaker seminars, the annual Peacemaker Conference, the Certification Program, peacemaker field support, and Peacemaker University (an online e-learning portal). He teaches reconciliation seminars and training events internationally. He provides conciliation services including coaching, mediation, arbitration, and consultation for all kinds of cases. Dwight was introduced to biblical peacemaking as a party in a conflict where Ambassadors of Reconciliation led an intervention in his home church. He credits that experience as a turning point in his life. He is passionate about teaching and equipping others to be peacemakers who apply the power of the Gospel in their everyday lives. Prior to joining Peacemaker Ministries, he was with Hewlett Packard for more than 22 years, holding a variety of leadership positions, most recently serving as Director of Engineering in their Imaging and Printing business. Dwight and his wife Ruth have two children and two grandchildren. 1 A certificate program of Ambassadors of Reconciliation.

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14 1. How This Training Course Meets the Purpose I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:1-3 The process for resolving disputes within The Lutheran Church—Missouri Synod is proscribed in Bylaw 1.10. The goal is not only to end the conflict (bring opinions into line with one another, or at least end any disruptive confrontation), but also to reconcile the erring brother to the truth, to maintain the "unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace," and the pure teaching of the Gospel and administration of the Sacraments, with all that entails. When doctrine or practice are matters in dispute, the resolution depends on far more than getting the parties to agree (far more, especially, than getting them to agree to disagree). This also provides an important foundation for building understanding of the processes set forth in Bylaw 2.14 and other areas. I. General (Bylaws 1.10.1—1.10.3) A. Preamble 1.10.1 When disputes, disagreements, or offenses arise among members of the body of Christ, it is a matter of grave concern for the whole church. Conflicts that occur in the body should be resolved promptly (Matthew 5:23−24; Eph. 4:26−27). Parties to disputes are urged by the mercies of God to proceed with one another with “the same attitude that was in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 2:5). In so doing, individuals, congregations, and various agencies within the Synod are urged to reject a “win-lose” attitude that typifies secular conflict. For the sake of the Gospel, the church should spare no resource in providing assistance. 1.10.1.1 The Holy Scriptures (1 Cor. 6:1−7) urge Christians to settle their differences by laying them before the “members of the brotherhood.” Therefore, the Synod in the spirit of 1 Corinthians 6 calls upon all parties to a disagreement, accusation, controversy, or disciplinary action to rely exclusively and fully on the Synod's system of reconciliation and conflict resolution. The use of the Synod's conflict resolution procedures shall be the exclusive and final remedy for those who are in dispute. Fitness for ministry and other theological matters must be determined within the church. Parties to disputes are urged, in matters of a doctrinal nature, to follow the procedures as outlined in Bylaw section 1.8. 1.10.1.2 The words of Jesus in Matthew 18:15−20 provide the basis for church discipline for the local congregation. The same passage also grants Christ's

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15 guidance to all Christians in seeking to settle other disputes, many of which fall outside the purview of church discipline involving the congregation. In either case, the steps of Matthew 18 should be applied lovingly in both formal and informal settings. Matthew 18 does not apply directly in cases of public sin, but face-to-face meetings are required nonetheless, even in the case of public sin, toward the goal of reconciliation and winning the brother or sister. The parties and others attempting to effect resolution of a dispute must always remain mindful that the church has been given the “ministry of reconciliation” (2 Cor. 5:18). Hence, conflict resolution in the church is to lead to reconciliation, restoring the erring member in a spirit of gentleness (Gal. 6:1). Its aim is to avoid the adversarial system practiced in society. 1.10.1.3 The heart and center of all Christian conflict resolution is the justification of the sinner through grace in Christ Jesus. Biblical reconciliation of persons in conflict begins with God's truth that we are all sinners who have been reconciled to God through the death and resurrection of Christ Jesus. Christ's “ministry of reconciliation” is one of the church's foremost priorities. 1.10.1.4 Christian conflict resolution seeks to resolve disputed issues in a manner pleasing to God. Those in conflict are urged to proceed prayerfully in good faith and trust. Disputes are more likely to be resolved harmoniously if those involved in the conflict recognize one another as redeemed children of God. 1.10.1.5 Christians involved in conflict must always stand ready to ask for or extend forgiveness in accordance with Scripture. As the church endeavors to help bring about peace, truth, justice, and reconciliation, it always seeks to do so with a proper distinction between Law and Gospel, that is, in the context of God's judgment and mercy. We are ever to be mindful that it is God who judges the hearts of sinful men and grants His gracious word of forgiveness to us all. 1.10.1.6 When there is repentance and reconciliation, the body of Christ rejoices in its oneness with Christ and with one another. B. Purpose 1.10.2 This procedure is established to resolve, in a God-pleasing manner, disputes that involve as parties, (1) members of the Synod; (2) corporate Synod or an agency of the Synod; (3) members of congregations challenging the procedure used in their excommunications; or (4) Auxiliaries and recognized service organizations that have agreed to address call-related disputes through the dispute resolution system, in regard to such disputes; or (5) members of congregations of the Synod elected or appointed to positions with the LCMS Board of Directors or an agency of the Synod. It shall be the exclusive remedy to resolve such disputes that involve theological, doctrinal, or ecclesiastical issues except those covered under Bylaw sections 2.14−2.17 and except as provided in Bylaw 1.10.3, and shall be binding on all parties. It is applicable whether the dispute involves only a difference of opinion without personal animosity or is one that involves ill will and sin that requires repentance and forgiveness. No person, congregation, or agency to whom or to which the provisions of this dispute resolution process are applicable because of their

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16 membership in the Synod may render this procedure inapplicable by terminating that membership during the course of the dispute resolution process. See, under General Regulations below, (B) Availability of Process. C. Exceptions 1.10.3 This chapter provides evangelical procedures to remedy disputes only and does not set forth procedures for expulsion from membership (Constitution Art. XIII and Bylaw sections 2.14−2.17) nor does it set forth procedures for boards of regents’ supervision of faculty and administration as specified in Bylaws 3.10.5.7.5–3.10.5.7.9, 3.10.6.7.1, and 3.10.6.7.5–3.10.6.7.5.2. While Christians are encouraged to seek to resolve all their disputes without resorting to secular courts, this chapter does not provide an exclusive remedy for the following matters, unless such matters involve theological, doctrinal, or ecclesiastical issues, including those arising under the divine call of a member of the Synod: (a) Disputes concerning property rights (e.g., real estate agreements, mortgages, fraud, or embezzlement); and (b) Disputes arising under contractual arrangements of all kinds (e.g., contracts for goods, services, or employment benefits). Even in the case of disputes concerning property rights or disputes arising under contractual arrangements, this dispute resolution process may be used if both parties to a dispute sign written statements agreeing to use and honor the outcome of the process. Training Required for Service as Reconcilers Under Bylaw 1.10.4, Definitions of Terms, Section (l), those appointed as reconcilers must be trained in order to serve (emphasis added): (l) Reconciler: As used in this chapter, a member of The Lutheran Church—Missouri Synod or of an LCMS congregation who is appointed to be available to assist parties to a dispute with a view toward reconciling them or enabling them to adjust or settle their dispute and who has completed the Synod’s training program. A reconciler does not judge or take sides but rather, with the help of God, assists both parties to find their own resolution to the dispute. This training course prepares those selected as LCMS Reconcilers, Facilitators, and District Presidents to serve in the Synod’s Dispute Resolution system by equipping them in the following processes: 1. Living a lifestyle of reconciliation 2. Coaching others through conflict 3. Mediating disputes 4. Adjudicating disputes

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17 Congregations Encouraged to Adopt Similar Processes When the Synodical Dispute Resolution System was initially approved by the 1992 LCMS Convention, congregations were encouraged also to adopt similar processes within their own churches. The Synod cannot force its member congregations to employ such processes, but it has encouraged them to do so for the same biblical reasons the Synod has adopted its system. Thus, this training also provides information on how church leaders can establish a Reconciliation Ministry within a church, school, or other Christian ministry, applying the same processes. Congregations and other Christian ministries can appoint their own reconcilers who can serve in similar roles: 1. Teaching biblical reconciliation 2. Coaching others through conflict 3. Mediating disputes 4. Adjudicating disputes

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21 Be Reconciled to God What does it mean to be reconciled to God? In Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 2 Corinthians 5:19-20 Remember Whose You Are (1 John 3:1) How does my identity affect reconciliation? Baptism* Repent before God (Psalm 51:17) How do my conflicts with others affect my relationship with God? Ten Commandments* Receive God’s Forgiveness (1 John 1:9) How am I reconciled to God? Confession and Forgiveness* Be Reconciled to Others What does it mean to be reconciled to others? [Jesus said,] “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24 Confess to the Other Person (James 5:16) How does my confession lead to reconciliation? The Creed* Forgive as God Forgave You (Colossians 3:12-13) How does forgiving and resolving lead to reconciliation? The Lord’s Prayer* Restore with Gentleness (Galatians 6:1) How does restoring others lead to reconciliation? The Lord’s Supper* * The six chief parts of Luther’s Small Catechism reflect God’s ministry of reconciliation and how we ought to relate to God and to one another (see Bible study Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean?)

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22 2. Remember Whose You Are How does my identity affect reconciliation? See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. 1 John 3:1a Our study begins with the section “Be Reconciled to God.” Luther’s Small Catechism teaches that in our Baptism we were given a new identity. This identity affects how we view ourselves and others, including during our disagreements. Remembering our Baptism reminds us whose we are. Review from Luther’s Small Catechism: The Sacrament of Holy Baptism As the head of the family should teach it in a simple way to his household What benefits does Baptism give? It works forgiveness of sins, rescues from death and the devil, and gives eternal salvation to all who believe this, as the words and promises of God declare. Which are these words and promises of God? Christ our Lord says in the last chapter of Mark: “Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.” (Mark 16:16) What does such baptizing with water indicate? It indicates that the Old Adam in us should by daily contrition and repentance be drowned and die with all sins and evil desires, and that a new man should daily emerge and arise to live before God in righteousness and purity forever. Where is this written? St. Paul writes in Romans chapter six: “We were therefore buried with Him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.” (Romans 6: 4)

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23 By nature, I am: ▪ A sinful creature. o Psalm 51:5; Romans 3:10-12, 23; James 2:10 ▪ An enemy of God. o Isaiah 59:2; Romans 5:10 ▪ One who daily struggles with my sinful nature. o Job 14:4; 15:14; Romans 7:14-25; Galatians 5:17 ▪ Unclean and worthless, a beggar who has nothing to offer God. o Isaiah 64:6; Romans 3:12; 1 Timothy 6:7 ▪ Condemned to be separated from God eternally. o Romans 6:23a In Christ, I am: ▪ No longer separated from God, I have been brought near by His blood. o Ephesians 2:12-13; Romans 8:35-39 ▪ A new creature through Him. o Isaiah 53:5-6; John 3:16; 2 Corinthians 5:16-21 ▪ In Baptism changed from an enemy to an heir. o Romans 6:2-5; Galatians 3:26-4:7; Titus 3:5-7 ▪ A beloved child of God, precious in His eyes. o Isaiah 43:4; John 1:12-13; 1 John 3:1 ▪ Cleansed and ransomed by the precious blood of Christ. 1 John 1:7; 1 Peter 1:18-19 How might my Baptism affect the way I respond to conflict? ▪ My Baptism comforts me through the forgiveness of sins and the gift of the Holy Spirit. My sins have been washed away. o Acts 2:38; 22:16 ▪ Baptism gives me my identity as a new creation and a child of God. o 2 Corinthians 5:17; 1 John 3:1 ▪ Baptism reminds me that I am called to live not for myself but rather for Christ. o 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 ▪ Having been baptized into Christ, I can walk in the newness of life. o Romans 6:3-4 ▪ Baptism teaches me to put off the old self and put on a new self. Ephesians 4:22-24 See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. 1 John 3:1 We have all become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment. Isaiah 64:6

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24 Who needs to be reconciled? ▪ First, I need to be reconciled to God. o Psalm 51:3-5; 1 John 1:8-9 ▪ Next, I need to be reconciled to others: o Someone who has something against me. ▪ Matthew 5:23-24 o Someone who has sinned against me. ▪ Matthew 18:15 ▪ Whether or not I need to be reconciled to someone else, I may need to help another. However, I must use care! Galatians 6:1-2 How should I view others in conflict? People for whom Christ has died! (John 3:16). This includes: ▪ A brother or sister in Christ (a fellow child of God). o 1 John 3:1, 23 ▪ Someone who does not yet know Christ. 1 Peter 2:12; 1 Peter 3:14-17 Conflict resolution vs reconciliation The coach needs to help the party distinguish between conflict resolution and reconciliation. Conflict resolution addresses the material or substantive issues of the conflict. We identify problems to be solved and negotiate with the other person to resolve them. Reconciliation restores the relationship by addressing the relational or personal issues of the conflict. These issues are reconciled through confession and forgiveness. ▪ With whom is my most serious conflict in all of life? o Isaiah 59:2; Romans 3:10-12 ▪ What are the consequences of being in that conflict? o Romans 6:23a ▪ Did God use conflict resolution or reconciliation in addressing my conflict with Him? 2 Corinthians 5:18-19 Both conflict resolution and reconciliation are necessary in virtually all conflicts! Material Issues include money, property, roles, structure, etc. Personal Issues include hurtful words & actions, gossip, denial, avoidance, etc.

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25 3. Repent before God How do my conflicts with others affect my relationship with God? The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:17 “Be Reconciled to God” continues as we examine ourselves according to the Ten Commandments. Review from Luther’s Small Catechism: The Ten Commandments As the head of the family should teach it in a simple way to his household The First Commandment You shall have no other gods. What does this mean? We should fear, love, and trust in God above all things. The Second Commandment You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God. What does this mean? We should fear and love God so that we do not curse, swear, use satanic arts, lie, or deceive by His name, but call upon it in every trouble, pray, praise, and give thanks. The Third Commandment Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. What does this mean? We should fear and love God so that we do not despise preaching and His Word, but hold it sacred and gladly hear and learn it. The Fourth Commandment Honor your father and your mother. What does this mean? We should fear and love God so that we do not despise or anger our parents and other authorities, but honor them, serve and obey them, love and cherish them. The Fifth Commandment You shall not murder. What does this mean? We should fear and love God so that we do not hurt or harm our neighbor in his body, but help and support him in every physical need.

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26 The Sixth Commandment You shall not commit adultery. What does this mean? We should fear and love God so that we lead a sexually pure and decent life in what we say and do, and husband and wife love and honor each other. The Seventh Commandment You shall not steal. What does this mean? We should fear and love God so that we do not take our neighbor’s money or possessions, or get them in any dishonest way, but help him to improve and protect his possessions and income. The Eighth Commandment You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. What does this mean? We should fear and love God so that we do not tell lies about our neighbor, betray him, slander him, or hurt his reputation, but defend him, speak well of him, and explain everything in the kindest way. The Ninth Commandment You shall not covet your neighbor’s house. What does this mean? We should fear and love God so that we do not scheme to get our neighbor’s inheritance or house, or get it in a way which only appears right, but help and be of service to him in keeping it. The Tenth Commandment You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor. What does this mean? We should fear and love God so that we do not entice or force away our neighbor’s wife, workers, or animals, or turn them against him, but urge them to stay and do their duty.

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27 What does conflict reveal about my heart? What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3 Our quarrels and fights reveal our hidden desires, which become evident when we act on those desires and sin against God or others. Rather than responding to disagreements as children of God, we may react from our sinful nature by attacking or fleeing. When we don’t get what we want, we make our demands known and punish others. How does conflict in my heart relate to idolatry? Luther explains the First Commandment: “We should fear, love, and trust in God above all things.” Any time we fear, love, or trust someone or something else more than God, we sin against the First Commandment. We are guilty of a form of idolatry, putting someone or something above God. A god is that to which we look for all good and in which we find refuge in every time of need. To have a god is nothing else than to trust and believe him with our whole heart. As I have often said, the trust and faith of the heart alone make both God and an idol…. That to which your heart clings and entrusts itself is, I say, really your God.2 When we are willing to sin in order to get what we want, we are not fearing God most of all. We are not loving Him above everyone or everything else. We are not trusting that He will give us everything we need. We turn our desires into demands – demanding what we want from others and even from God. This puts us in conflict with anyone (including God!) whom we believe is putting up a roadblock to our desires. The result? Fights and quarrels (James 4:1-3). Our heart is determined to get what we want, when we want it, and the way in which we want it. Sinful behaviors exhibited in conflict reveal our struggle to serve ourselves and the secret desires of our hearts. We want to be the god of our own heart’s desires, and we expect others to give in to our demands. In other words, we are guilty of idolatry! 2 Luther’s Large Catechism, First Part: The Ten Commandments in Theodore E. Tappert, ed., The Book of Concord: The Confessions of the Evangelical Lutheran Church (Philadelphia: Fortress Press, 1959), 365. Sins against the First Commandment • Fears • Cravings • Misplaced Trust

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28 What are some examples of the idols of the heart? Sin originates in the heart. Our heart’s desires become idolatrous when we fear, love, or trust someone or something more than God. Consider some of the idols of our hearts that might be revealed in conflict. ▪ Improper desires for physical pleasure o Referred to “cravings” or “lusts of the flesh” in the Bible. o 1 John 2:15-17; Galatians 5:16-21; Ephesians 4:17-20 ▪ Pride and arrogance o Self-proclaimed “gods” judge others who do not meet their demands. These judgments lead to condemning and punishing those who do not serve them. Proverbs 8:13; Proverbs 16:18; Matthew 23:12 ▪ Love of money or material possessions o Another example of craving or lust. o 1 Timothy 6:10; Hebrews 13:5 ▪ Fear of man o Excessive concern about what others think of us, leading to a preoccupation with acceptance, approval, popularity, personal comparisons, self-image, or pleasing others. o Proverbs 29:25; Luke 12:4-7 ▪ Good things that I want too much Good desires that we elevate into demands (aka cravings or lusts) Luke 12:22-31; James 4:1-3 How can we flee from the idols of our hearts and turn towards God? The way to flee from our idols and turn towards God is this: Repent! Confess your idolatrous sins to God and believe in His forgiveness for you! Through repentance, we exchange our worship of our false gods for the worship of the true God. Those who repent and seek hope for overcoming temptation receive God’s comfort: Psalm 51:1-12; 1 John 1:9; 2 Corinthians 5:14-15; 1 Peter 2:24 The Development of an Idol Fear Desire Trust Demand Unmet expectations Frustrations Judge Punish End Result: Destruction or Death

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29 4. Receive God’s Forgiveness How and I reconciled to God? If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 In this third lesson on “Be Reconciled to God,” we review confession and forgiveness. Review from Luther’s Small Catechism: Confession As the head of the family should teach it in a simple way to his household What is Confession? Confession has two parts. First, that we confess our sins, and second, that we receive absolution, that is, forgiveness, from the pastor as from God Himself, not doubting, but firmly believing that by it our sins are forgiven before God in heaven. What sins should we confess? Before God we should plead guilty of all sins, even those we are not aware of, as we do in the Lord’s Prayer; but before the pastor we should confess only those sins which we know and feel in our hearts. Which are these? Consider your place in life according to the Ten Commandments: Are you a father, mother, son, daughter, husband, wife, or worker? Have you been disobedient, unfaithful, or lazy? Have you been hot-tempered, rude, or quarrelsome? Have you hurt someone by your words or deeds? Have you stolen, been negligent, wasted anything, or done any harm? [Luther provided a form for private confession as an example in the Small Catechism. For a contemporary form, refer to the pamphlet Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness included in this study.] What is the Office of the Keys?* The Office of the Keys is that special authority which Christ has given to His church on earth to forgive the sins of repentant sinners, but to withhold forgiveness from the unrepentant as long as they do not repent.

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30 Where is this written?* This is what St. John the Evangelist writes in chapter twenty: The Lord Jesus breathed on His disciples and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” (John 20:22-23) What do you believe according to these words?* I believe that when the called ministers of Christ deal with us by His divine command, in particular when they exclude openly unrepentant sinners from the Christian congregation and absolve those who repent of their sins and want to do better, this is just as valid and certain, even in heaven, as if Christ our dear Lord dealt with us Himself. *This question may not have been composed by Luther himself but reflects his teaching and was included in editions of the catechism during his lifetime. Daily confession In Luther’s Small Catechism, we reflect on the meaning of our Baptism including the following: What does such baptizing with water indicate? It indicates that the Old Adam in us should by daily contrition and repentance be drowned and die with all sins and evil desires, and that a new man should daily emerge and arise to live before God in righteousness and purity forever.3 Daily contrition is necessary for the child of God because we sin daily. Accordingly, we need the assurance of God’s love and forgiveness each day so that we can live our new life in Christ. Our confession of sin reflects our faith in Jesus. Those who believe and trust in Christ acknowledge the need for forgiveness through confession of sin. Thus, we profess our faith in the forgiveness we have through Christ. 3 Luther’s Small Catechism with Explanation © 1986, 1991 Concordia Publishing House (pp. 22-23). The more you minimize sin, the more will grace decline in value. Luther’s Works, Volume 1 (St. Louis: CPH, 1958), 142.

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31 Living in forgiveness We are forgiven! But the temptations of our sinful flesh, the world, and the devil can lead us to doubt this truth. Our doubt is revealed: ▪ when we lose sight of whose we are through Baptism, ▪ when we forget what God has done for us in Christ, ▪ when we self-justify in order to make ourselves righteous. According to 2 Peter 1:9, the cause of people not bearing good fruit is forgetting that their sins have been forgiven. Remembering that we are forgiven in Christ is the key to living as the children of God. God has given us the following means to be assured of God’s forgiveness. ▪ The Word of God ▪ Confession and absolution (absolution is the spoken Word of God) o Corporate confession and absolution (during a worship service) o Private confession and absolution with my pastor o Confession and forgiveness with a brother or sister in Christ ▪ The Lord’s Supper ▪ Remembering my Baptism Remembering and proclaiming God’s Forgiveness Christ’s forgiveness heals our hurts and empowers us to die to sin and live to righteousness. When guilt or doubts threaten to take away your joy in Christ’s forgiveness, focus on God’s assurance for you. We remember Christ’s forgiveness as we read and hear God’s promise proclaimed to us from His Word. When we proclaim God’s forgiveness to others, we are simply sharing with them the gift that we have received. From the back page of the pamphlet Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness, read the passages of Scripture aloud, inserting your name. For example: “[Name,] He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds[, Name,] you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24 For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. 2 Peter 1:9

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32 5. Confess to the Other Person How does my confession lead to reconciliation? Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. James 5:16 We begin the section “Be Reconciled to Others” with “Confess to the Other Person.” In this lesson, our catechism review highlights “The Creed.” From Luther’s Small Catechism: The Creed As the head of the family should teach it in a simple way to his household The First Article: Creation I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth. What does this mean? I believe that God has made me and all creatures; that He has given me my body and soul, eyes, ears, and all my members, my reason and all my senses, and still takes care of them. He also gives me clothing and shoes, food and drink, house and home, wife and children, land, animals, and all I have. He richly and daily provides me with all that I need to support this body and life. He defends me against all danger and guards and protects me from all evil. All this He does only out of fatherly, divine goodness and mercy, without any merit or worthiness in me. For all this it is my duty to thank and praise, serve and obey Him. This is most certainly true. The Second Article: Redemption And in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried. He descended into hell. The third day He rose again from the dead. He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God, the Father Almighty. From thence He will come to judge the living and the dead. What does this mean? I believe that Jesus Christ, true God, begotten of the Father from eternity, and also true man, born of the Virgin Mary, is my Lord, who has redeemed me, a lost and condemned person, purchased and won me from all sins, from death, and from the power of the devil; not with gold or silver, but with His holy, precious blood and with His innocent suffering and death, Note that doctrinal / practice matters affect others within the Synod and its public confession, which provide some of the reasons for Bylaws 1.10 and 2.14-2.17.

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33 that I may be His own and live under Him in His kingdom and serve Him in everlasting righteousness, innocence, and blessedness, just as He is risen from the dead, lives and reigns to all eternity. This is most certainly true. The Third Article: Sanctification I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Christian church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. Amen. What does this mean? I believe that I cannot by my own reason or strength believe in Jesus Christ, my Lord, or come to Him; but the Holy Spirit has called me by the Gospel, enlightened me with his gifts, sanctified and kept me in the true faith. In the same way He calls, gathers, enlightens, and sanctifies the whole Christian church on earth, and keeps it with Jesus Christ in the one true faith. In this Christian church He daily and richly forgives all my sins and the sins of all believers. On the Last Day He will raise me and all the dead, and give eternal life to me and all believers in Christ. This is most certainly true. How do my sins affect others? When we sin against God, we usually sin against others. These offenses harm our relationships with those we hurt. Our sins also affect others, directly and indirectly. How we treat one another affects our witness to Christ and our faith in the forgiveness of sins. Our society does not recognize biblical confession and forgiveness. As a result, people use other words that are poor substitutes for the real thing. “I apologize” can mean “to express regret” or “to make a defense.” ▪ The Bible does not use the word “apologize” for confession. Proverbs 28:13; 1 John 1:9; James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another … that you may be healed. James 5:16, emphasis added

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35 Guidelines for Christian Confession Expressing godly sorrow in confession reflects true contrition – it is a fruit of repentance. However, we are so accustomed to self-justifying that our words often serve to avoid taking responsibility for our sin. Instead, our words seek to blame others or explain away our guilt. Consider the following “Guidelines for Confession”: ▪ Go as a beggar. Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 15:19; Luke 18:13-14; James 5:16 ▪ Own your sin. Numbers 5:5-7; Psalm 32:3-5; Psalm 51:3-4 o “I sinned against God and you when I . . .” o “I was wrong . . .” ▪ Identify your sins according to God’s Word. o Sinful thoughts – Ecclesiastes 2:1-3; Matthew 15:19; Luke 6:45 o Sinful words – Exodus 20:16; Proverbs 11:13; Ephesians 4:29 o Sinful actions – Exodus 20:12-17; Matthew 7:12; Galatians 5:19-21 o Sins of omission, such as failing to love as Christ commands – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 o Note Psalm 51:4 and the prodigal son’s confession to his father in Luke 15:21 ▪ Express sorrow for hurt your sin has caused. Luke 15:21 o “My sin hurt you by…” or “I am sorry for how my actions hurt you when…” o If you are unsure how your behavior was hurtful, ask! (“How have my actions hurt you?”) ▪ Commit to changing your behavior with God’s help. Psalm 51:10-12; Matthew 3:8; Luke 19:8; Romans 6:21-22; Ephesians 4:22-24 o “With God’s help, I will not do this again.” ▪ Be willing to bear the consequences. Numbers 5:5-7; Luke 15:21; Luke 19:8 ▪ Ask for forgiveness. Genesis 50:17; Psalm 32:5; Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 18:13 ▪ Trust in Christ’s forgiveness. Psalm 103:8-13; Colossians 1:13-14; Ephesians 1:7-10 o Regardless if the other person forgives, trust in Christ’s forgiveness. While not every one of the guidelines is necessary for a godly confession, these can help you take full responsibility for your part in a conflict and avoid denying your sin or blame-shifting.

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36 6. Forgive as God Forgave You How does forgiving and restoring lead to reconciliation? Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Colossians 3:12-13 From Luther’s Small Catechism: The Lord’s Prayer As the head of the family should teach it in a simple way to his household Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen. The Fifth Petition And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. What does this mean? We pray in this petition that our Father in heaven would not look at our sins, or deny our prayer because of them. We are neither worthy of the things for which we pray, nor have we deserved them, but we ask that He would give them all to us by grace, for we daily sin much and surely deserve nothing but punishment. So we too will sincerely forgive and gladly do good to those who sin against us.

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37 How does God forgive me? ▪ My sins are not excused; God’s justice required blood. Hebrews 9:22; 1 John 1:7 ▪ My sins needed to be punished – Christ paid the full price for my sins. Isaiah 53:5-6; John 19:30 ▪ My forgiveness is not conditional upon my works. Romans 6:23b; Ephesians 2:8-10 ▪ My past sins will not be brought up and used against me. Jeremiah 31:34; 1 Corinthians 6:11 ▪ My sins do not condemn me. John 3:17; Romans 8:1 ▪ My sins have been washed clean – I am covered by Christ’s righteousness. Romans 3:21-22; 2 Corinthians 5:21 What is impossible for man . . . Forgiving others as God has forgiven us is impossible – on our own strength. Yet our God calls us to do to others as He has done for us. He promises to give His children the ability to do what He calls us to do: ▪ God grants us strength through His Holy Spirit so that we may live our lives in faith and so that we may have strength to comprehend the immensity of God’s love. Ephesians 3:14-21 ▪ Because Christ died for us on the cross, we can die to sin and live to righteousness. Through Christ’s wounds, we are healed. 1 Peter 2:24. ▪ With St. Paul we can confess, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 False substitutes for forgiving Excusing: That’s okay, No problem, or Don’t worry about it. Punishing: You deserve my judgment and condemnation. Earning: I won’t forgive you until you deserve it or earn it. Recalling: I will never let you forget what you did!

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38 Does forgiveness remove consequences? God’s forgiveness removes the most serious consequence of all – eternal separation from Him! However, the Bible teaches that forgiveness does not necessarily remove the earthly consequences. Nevertheless, our Lord often shows great mercy, withholding the consequences. An example is given in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) in which the father showed great mercy to his repentant son. When should I forgive? The granting of forgiveness is not dependent upon repentance. ▪ God’s forgiveness for us was not conditional on our repentance – He forgave us even while we were dead in our sins. Luke 23:34; Romans 5:6-10; Ephesians 2:1-5 But the receiving of forgiveness is dependent upon repentance and faith. ▪ We receive the benefit of God’s forgiveness as we “repent and believe in Jesus.” John 3:16-18; Acts 3:19-20; Mark 1:15 So, when should I forgive someone who has sinned against me? We are called to forgive others as God through Christ forgave us. That means we have the opportunity to grant forgiveness before the other person repents, even before we talk to him or her. However, the person who has sinned against us will not benefit from that forgiveness unless he repents and believes that the gift is his. How can I resolve the material issues that divide us? In reconciliation, we seek to restore the relationship by addressing the relational or personal issues of the conflict. Relational issues are reconciled through confession and forgiveness. In conflict resolution, we address the material or substantive issues of the conflict. We identify the problems to be solved and negotiate to resolve them. Scripture teaches what to do when we need to resolve material issues. ▪ Commit your plans to the LORD. (Proverbs 16:1-3) ▪ Be reasonable. Don’t be anxious, but pray. (Philippians 4:5-6) ▪ Love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:39) ▪ Look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-5) ▪ Do everything without grumbling or complaining. (Philippians 2:14) ▪ Be wise – seek godly counsel. (Proverbs 12:15) But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

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39 7. Restore with Gentleness How does restoring others lead to reconciliation? Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1-2 From Luther’s Small Catechism: The Sacrament of the Altar As the head of the family should teach it in a simple way to his household What is the Sacrament of the Altar? It is the true body and blood of our Lord Jesus Christ under the bread and wine, instituted by Christ Himself for us Christians to eat and to drink. Where is this written? The holy Evangelists Matthew, Mark, Luke, and St. Paul write: Our Lord Jesus Christ, on the night when He was betrayed, took bread, and when He had given thanks, He broke it and gave it to the disciples and said: “Take, eat; this is My body, which is given for you. This do in remembrance of Me.” In the same way also He took the cup after supper, and when He had given thanks, He gave it to them, saying, “Drink of it, all of you; this cup is the new testament in My blood, which is shed for you for the forgiveness of sins. This do, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of Me.” What is the benefit of this eating and drinking? These words, “Given and shed for you for the forgiveness of sins,” show us that in the Sacrament forgiveness of sins, life, and salvation are given us through these words. For where there is forgiveness of sins, there is also life and salvation. How can bodily eating and drinking do such great things? Certainly not just eating and drinking do these things, but the words written here: “Given and shed for you for the forgiveness of sins.” These words, along with the bodily eating and drinking, are the main thing in the Sacrament. Whoever believes these words has exactly what they say: “forgiveness of sins.” Who receives this sacrament worthily? Fasting and bodily preparation are certainly fine outward training. But that person is truly worthy and well prepared who has faith in these words: “Given and shed for you for the forgiveness of sins.”

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40 But anyone who does not believe these words or doubts them is unworthy and unprepared, for the words “for you” require all hearts to believe. What does it mean to restore? Helping one who is caught in sin often includes someone with whom we find ourselves in conflict. ▪ The one who is “caught” in a transgression needs to be restored. This includes: o One who sins against you (Matthew 18:15). o Others who may be ensnared by their sin (see Philippians 4:2-3). o Anyone who wanders from the truth (James 5:19-20). ▪ Those called to restore others include: o Those who are spiritual (Galatians 6:1-2). o The one who is sinned against (Matthew 18:15). o Fellow members in the church (see Philippians 4:2-3). o Believers who see one wandering from the truth (James 5:19-20). The kind of restoration needed most by one who is ensnared in sin is forgiveness from God, which cleanses us from our unrighteousness. This healing restores our relationship with God and opens the door for restoring our relationship with others (Psalm 32:1-5; 2 Peter 1:9; 1 John 1:8-9). Applying Matthew 18 In his commentary on Matthew 18, Jeffrey Gibbs notes, “Jesus is teaching about an extreme form of caring, of compassion, of concern for a fellow disciple in a situation of terrible need.”4 Looking at the entire chapter of Matthew 18, Christ stresses the importance of restoring those whose sins are causing them to wander away from God. Jesus teaches how to address stubborn unrepentance in Matthew 18: ▪ Verse 15: Go in private. ▪ Verse 16: Take one or two others along with you. ▪ Verse 17: Tell it to the church. ▪ Verse 18: Treat him as a Gentile and a tax collector. 4 Gibbs, Jeffrey A. Concordia Commentary: Matthew 11:2-20:34. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2010. 916.

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41 Matthew 18:15-20 is sometimes misapplied, as in the following false assertions: ▪ This is a quick three-step process, after which the person should be kicked out of the church. ▪ Going one-on-one means a single attempt to let the other person know what he has done wrong (such as sending an email or letter, making a phone call, or even an in-your-face confrontation). ▪ Others to bring along as witnesses mean those who agree with you and/or who have authority over the other person and can pressure him to do what you want. ▪ “Tell it to the church” means broadcasting your accusations, including utilizing verbal gossip and social media. ▪ Those who are treated as unbelievers should be shunned. Whatever happens, we are called to be faithful to God and His Word. ▪ Our ultimate responsibility? Live peaceably with all, so far as it depends on us. ▪ What is NOT our responsibility? Changing other people’s hearts. What if the other person is not a Christian? The Bible’s instruction for dealing with someone in conflict applies to both Christians and non-believers. You first go in private to confess your sins, forgive as you have been forgiven, and restore with gentleness. If necessary, you then bring one or two others along, all with the idea of restoring gently. However, the direction to “tell it to the church” does not apply since a non-believer is not accountable to the church. How does restoring others relate to reconciliation? Reconciliation requires confession and forgiveness. Between two people, that usually means mutual confession and forgiveness. ▪ We can begin the process of reconciliation by confessing our own sins, seeking forgiveness. ▪ The other person may forgive us as God has forgiven him. ▪ We seek to restore with gentleness by helping another see how he has sinned. When the other person repents, we can proclaim God’s forgiveness, assuring him of his reconciliation to God. ▪ We can also restore the other person as God has forgiven us. Reconciliation occurs when confession and forgiveness are shared and the relationship is healed. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Romans 12:18

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44 1. The Role of the Coach And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will. 2 Timothy 2:24-26 The four roles of a reconciler Those who assist others in reconciling can serve four different roles: Any reconciler LCMS reconciler and/or facilitators ▪ Teach biblical peacemaking Usually done individually or in small groups ▪ Coach one party at a time Informal efforts, formal reconciliation meeting ▪ Mediate two or more parties Informal and formal reconciliation meetings Together ▪ Adjudicate a decision after Dispute Resolution, Appeal, and Review hearing both parties at the Panels same meeting Hearing & Final Hearing Panels (expulsion) Review Committee (seminaries & institutions) Panel (for issue between CCM and Board of Directors) The reconciler as coach Of the four roles a reconciler can serve, the most used role is that of a coach. ▪ Coaching a person in conflict means preparing one person in a dispute to go to the other person in order to reconcile relationships and resolve differences in private. ▪ Many disputes can be more effectively reconciled and resolved with coaching one or more of the parties to work out their own reconciliation. The sooner a dispute can be resolved in a process, the more likely it will result in personal reconciliation and a God-pleasing solution.

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45 Why use the term “Coach?” We utilize the term “coach” rather than “counselor” to differentiate what a reconciler does from those who provide psychological, therapeutic, or psychiatric treatment. It also helps the reconciler distinguish between the role of the Lord’s servant and God’s role (2 Timothy 2:24-26). In sports, the coach doesn’t run the plays – the team members play the game. The coach’s role is important. The coach instructs through teaching and leading practice sessions. She provides encouragement and support. During and following games, the coach follows up with observations and guidance. Similarly, in assisting someone to reconcile, the coach doesn’t do the reconciling – the person she coaches takes steps to reconcile. Like a sports coach, she instructs through teaching and leading practice sessions. She encourages and supports the party in conflict. The coach follows up with observations and guidance for next steps. Coaching in the LCMS Dispute Resolution Coaching is used in the following processes: ▪ Informal processes (coaching and mediation) o Coaching individuals o Coaching prior to, during, and following informal reconciliation meetings ▪ Formal reconciliation meetings (mediation) o Prior to mediations to prepare parties o Private meetings (caucuses) o Between mediation meetings o Following up after mediations Coaching is NOT used in the following adjudication processes with individual parties: ▪ Dispute resolution panels ▪ Appeal panels ▪ Review panels and committees ▪ Hearing panels and final hearing panels ▪ Panels (for issue between CCM and Board of Directors) Bylaw 1.10.5 Bylaw 1.10.6 Bylaws 1.10.7, 1.10.8, 2.14-2.17, 3.9.2.2

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46 The goal of the coach Applying God’s Word, the coach guides the person to embrace a Christ-centered perspective so that he may discover for himself how to: ▪ Be reconciled to God: o Remember whose we are o Repent before God o Receive God’s forgiveness ▪ Be reconciled to others: o To confess to the other person o To forgive as God forgave him/her o To restore with gentleness The importance of passport Throughout the conciliation process, it is important that as the coach you develop “passport” with the person you are assisting. Passport is achieved as you build trust with the individual. You will experience evidence of passport when the person can answer yes to: ▪ Can I trust you? ▪ Do you care about me? ▪ Can you really help me? Developing passport is not an event, but is a continuous process. Once you have had passport and lose it, it will be more difficult to gain that person’s confidence back. Properly earned, passport will provide you with the opportunities to encourage, confront, exhort, and direct the parties with biblical counseling. Trust is constantly earned or used up throughout the coaching process. ▪ Trust is earned in the way you demonstrate love, care, and respect for that person. Trust is also earned in the careful way you ask questions. ▪ Trust is properly used up when you confront sin or present difficult questions. ▪ Trust may be improperly lost. For example, before you have earned sufficient passport, asking the right question in the wrong way or too early may reduce, or even end, your effectiveness with that person. ▪ Ultimately, your goal is teach the person to place more trust in God than in anyone or anything else, including you as coach, the other person, or the eventual outcome.

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47 Making yourself approachable Earning a party’s trust begins with approachability. Two of the most effective ways to be viewed by others as approachable: ▪ Be known as someone who admits your own faults, that is, one who confesses his own sins. People will: o Believe that you are not judgmental. o Not fear that you will be defensive. o Trust you enough to be honest about their own failings. ▪ Be known as someone who forgives freely. People will: o Be less fearful of being condemned by you. o Be confident that you understand how to show mercy. o Expect to find in you safety, compassion, and hope. In other words, to make yourself approachable you need to develop a reputation for living, proclaiming, and cultivating a lifestyle of reconciliation. Leading to discovery The most effective way to coach people through conflict is through discovery. Rather than simply diagnosing and telling the party what is wrong and what needs to be done, the coach helps the individual discover for himself how he has contributed to the problem and what he can do biblically to begin reconciliation. The person who discovers for himself will more likely appreciate a God-pleasing perspective and be moved by His Spirit for living, proclaiming, and cultivating a lifestyle of reconciliation. ▪ Using active listening skills and effective homework assignments, the coach helps the party to replace a world-view understanding of the situation with a Christ-centered perspective. ▪ Using Scripture and other resources, the coach helps the party examine himself according to God’s Word in order to encourage repentance and reconciliation to God. ▪ Using Scripture and other resources, the coach prepares the party to put his faith into practice by going to the other person for confessing sin, forgiving as God forgave him, and restoring with gentleness. What makes a person difficult to approach? What makes a person approachable?

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48 Conflict coaching process The conflict coaching process can be summarized in three areas. Assist the person to Check Mindset 2 Corinthians 5:16-17; Philippians 2:1-5 ▪ Draw out a person’s story through active listening. ▪ Note emotional responses and repeating themes and patterns that give insight to a person’s heart. ▪ Using what you learn, lead the person to embrace a Christ-centered perspective about himself, the other person, and the situation. Guide the person to Be Reconciled to God Romans 5:8-11; 2 Corinthians 5:20b ▪ Apply Scripture. ▪ Uncover idols and guide the person to repent before God. ▪ Proclaim God’s forgiveness to comfort and encourage, and to empower him to live out his reconciliation with others. Prepare the person to Be Reconciled to Others Matthew 5:23-24; James 5:16 ▪ Prepare the person to “go and be reconciled” to the other person. ▪ Guide the person to confess, to forgive, or to restore the other person. ▪ Pray with and encourage the person for reconciliation. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus. Philippians 2:5 We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 2 Corinthians 5:20b Leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother. Matthew 5:23-24 Coaching is not a linear process (e.g., step 1, step 2, etc.). Rather, the coach moves back and forth among the three areas as needed to best serve the interests of the person being coached.

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50 Perspective is key In the unfolding of the story, you are listening not only for factual information, but also how the person is interpreting events. As the person speaks, the coach draws out the story through questions. The coach is carefully listening for clues that reveal his heart. Through listening and asking questions, the coach begins to help the individual to assess his heart: ▪ How do I see myself in this conflict? ▪ How do I view the other person in this conflict? ▪ How do I understand the situation in this conflict? Ultimately, the coach wants to help the person to embrace a Christ-centered perspective: ▪ How do I view God’s role in this conflict? o What does God teach in His Word regarding my thoughts, words, and actions? o What has God done for me through Christ? o What does He promise for me in this conflict? ▪ What difference does that make in how I view myself? ▪ What difference does that make in how I view the other person? ▪ What difference does that make in how I understand the situation? Drawing out the story The coaching process begins through story listening. The coach cannot begin to help another person until the coach has heard that person’s story and understands his interpretation of it. This requires asking questions about more than just factual data. As you meet with a party, you want to discern information that will reveal his heart and perspective – on himself, on the other person, and on the situation. You will also listen for clues: ▪ On how the person contributed to the problem, ▪ Of what sins he may need to repent, and ▪ What options may be available for him to proceed. The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out. Proverbs 20:5 Perspective is key. Detective Joe Friday’s “Just the facts, ma’am, just the facts” is not enough!

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51 As you listen to a person’s story, remember the following: What is story telling? From the party’s point of view, story telling is: ▪ An attempt to influence another’s view (especially the coach). ▪ An expression of the heart (revealing attitudes, assumptions, and values, which likely includes underlying idols). ▪ An opportunity to be heard, understood, and loved (seeking compassion and affirmation). Why does the coach draw out a story? The coach uses questions to draw out the party’s story: ▪ To build passport with the person (demonstrating care and interest). ▪ To gather information that will help the coach learn more about the person’s perspective (helps fill in the gaps and avoids assumptions) and prepare the party to develop a Christ-centered perspective. ▪ To help the person identify his heart issues so that he can repent, receive God’s forgiveness, and be prepared to reconcile with the other party. What is the coach listening for? To better discern a person’s perspective and interpretation of the conflict, the coach listens to how the party answers these questions: ▪ What does the person say is the problem? ▪ What is he doing in response to the problem? ▪ What underlying factors are contributing to the problem? ▪ What are the beliefs and values that contribute to the problem? Two kinds of questions The coach asks two basic kinds of questions. Both are necessary in listening. ▪ Water skiing: allows you to gather a great deal of basic information which helps build the overall picture and may provide insight into areas where you need more information. ▪ Scuba diving: allows you to dig deeper into areas where you may learn more about heart issues and attitudes.

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52 Observation is important Gathering information is more than listening to words. Observation is key, because communication is widely understood to be: ▪ 80% non-verbal. ▪ 20% verbal. As you listen, you will automatically begin to assess what you are learning. However, you may be wrong, so test your conclusions. Listening Skills The other person will not likely hear anything you have to say until he or she feels that you have listened to him or her. Listening is not a passive activity. Remember basic skills in active listening: ▪ Waiting – Be patient. Wait until the other person finishes speaking before responding. Don’t plan your response until he is finished speaking. ▪ Attending – Maintain eye contact and other body language that communicates your genuine interest. Nod occasionally or respond with short phrases that indicate you are paying attention (e.g., I see, uh-huh, I understand, etc.). ▪ Clarifying – Ask questions to test your understanding (e.g., When you said _______, did you mean ______?). ▪ Reflecting – Repeat short portions back to the person. This communicates that you are listening closely and allows for the other person to restate things if needed. It also helps the other person hear back what he has said, which may help him rethink him responses to the situation. ▪ Agreeing – Look for opportunities to agree. When you agree with some portions, the other person believes that you are open-minded and really listening. He will much more likely hear what you have to say if he believes you are balanced in your assessment. Test your conclusions . . . Don’t commit assumicide!

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53 Note emotions and repeating patterns As the coach draws out the story, she notes key issues to explore that will help the party to better understand his own world-view so that it can be contrasted with a biblical perspective. Emotional responses When a party expresses emotional responses, the coach can provide care while exploring the underlying cause of the response. ▪ Observe what issues bring out emotional responses. ▪ Seek to understand the reasons those issues are so important. o Asking about that will help the party understand something deeper about his own heart that he may not have appreciated. o Exploring emotional responses may provide deeper insights in past experiences or other contributing factors that have helped shape this person’s perspective. Repeating themes As the person tells his story, look for repeating themes or patterns that reflect the person’s attitudes and affect his behaviors. The patterns may occur in different ways. ▪ Repeating themes. o Phrases or descriptions. o References to specific fears, intense desires (wants, cravings), or trust. o References to past relationships or events. ▪ Repeating patterns of thinking or behavior. o How the person interprets words or actions of others. o How the person reacts to similar events. o How the person responds to similar situations. As you observe these patterns, use questions to help the party recognize them and better understand what has been defining his perspective. Then ask questions to explore deeper insights and encourage reflective thinking. Exercise in recognizing repeating themes and patterns As Kaitlyn5 tells her story to the coach, she shares the following: 5 Taken from the Case Study on pages 74-75 from Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? © 2016, Ambassadors of Reconciliation.

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54 Kaitlyn: Nicole acts like she’s so special just because she has a husband. Just because she’s married, she thinks that everyone needs a boyfriend or husband. When we were in college together, Nicole had dates just about every week. I didn’t need a guy to feel loved or accepted. But not Nicole! She’d flirt with any man just so she wouldn’t be alone on a weekend. But it’s not good enough for Nicole to have to be with a guy. She thinks every woman needs a man to be complete. She’s was always playing match-maker with Amber and me. Even when we were playing volleyball at college, that’s all Nicole could think about – getting Amber and me hooked up with some guys. Like she didn’t think I could get a boyfriend on my own. Or like I even wanted one! I’m perfectly fine as I am. Coach: It sounds like you think Nicole believes that you need a man to be complete. Kaitlyn: You know, I don’t care what Nicole needs. But she has some kind of arrogant problem in thinking I’m just like her. Why can’t she just let me be who I am? I’m happy being single. I have a good job and am taking care of myself. I certainly don’t need some guy just to feel loved or needed. The last thing I need is for some guy to interfere with my life and my plans. She’s as bad as my mom! Coach: What do you mean, “She’s as bad as my mom?” Kaitlyn: Mom always thinks she needs a man to be whole. My parents divorced when I was in the 8th grade. Mom was devastated and afraid to be alone. Before long, she had a new boyfriend every month. It drove me crazy. She eventually married my step-father when I was in high school. But then she starting nagging me. Most parents try to discourage girls from dating. But not my mother! And now that I’m out of college, she’s worse than ever! Why can’t she just accept me for who I really am? I’m a happily independent, self-sufficient woman! Underline any themes or patterns you observed in the above discussions. What questions might you use to help Kaitlyn understand her own perspective? What questions could you ask as a coach to help Kaitlyn change her perspective: ▪ About Nicole ▪ About herself ▪ About the situation (Nicole and Kaitlyn aren’t talking but avoiding each other)

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55 Lead to a Christ-centered perspective What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3 It’s all about me! That’s our Old Adam nature – it’s about me and what I want. I’m the god of my own destiny, right? Who else will take care of me if I don’t look out for Number One? An important step in moving an individual toward reconciliation is helping the person replace a worldly view or self-absorbed attitude with a Christ-centered perspective. One of the most effective ways to begin this process is to help the party remember whose he is – a redeemed child of God, purchased with the precious blood of Christ. In a way, my perspective is about me. It’s about my identity in Christ. Knowing whose I am begins to change the way I understand myself, the world around me, and my Heavenly Father who adopted me into His family. Making a transition As indicated earlier in this chapter, the coach draws out the story in order to help the party understand his personal perspective: ▪ How do I see myself in this conflict? ▪ How do I view the other person in this conflict? ▪ How do I understand the situation in this conflict? Once the party has opportunity to tell his story, and once the coach believes that passport has been adequately earned, the coach is ready to make a transition in the coaching process. The coach guides the party to reflect on his existing perspective and embrace a Christ-centered viewpoint: ▪ How do I view God’s role in this conflict? o What does God’s Word teach regarding my thoughts, words, and actions? o What has God done for me through Christ? o What does He promise for me in this conflict? ▪ What difference does that make in how I view myself? ▪ What difference does that make in how I view the other person? ▪ What difference does that make in how I understand the situation? Whose am I? Knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot. 1 Peter 1:18-19

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56 Consider questions similar to these to bring about reflection on perspective: ▪ Would you be willing to read a Bible verse and reflect on what difference that might make for you in this situation? [Wait for affirmative answer.] o Let’s look at 1 John 3:1. Would you please read the first part of that verse for us? o How does this verse apply to you in this situation? o How does that verse apply to _____ [the other party]? o How does Jesus view both you and _____ in this situation? ▪ As you consider this situation, tell me how you understand your own worth. [Wait for answer.] o Would you be willing to read a Bible verse and reflect on how God values you? [Wait for affirmative answer.] o Let’s look at 1 Peter 1:18-19. Would you please read that for us? o According to this passage, how does God value you? o What does this suggest to you about your worth in this situation? o How does this same passage relate to _____ [the other party?] o Knowing the Jesus values both of you, what difference does that make in this conflict? ▪ Describe your relationship with ______ [the other party.] o Would you be willing to read a Bible verse and reflect on how God views your relationship with ______? [Wait for affirmative answer.] o Let’s look at 1 John 1:7. Would you please read the last part of that verse for us? o How does Christ’s blood affect your relationship with God? o How does His blood affect your relationship with _____? o What difference does it make that you are both forgiven by Jesus’ blood? ▪ You told me that __________ [the other party] is a Christian. If you are both believers, you will spend eternity in heaven together. What difference does that make as you view him/her today? ▪ You have shared with me how you have contributed to this conflict. In spite of your sinful nature, how does your heavenly Father view: o You? o The other person with whom you are in conflict? o In light of how your Father in heaven views you both: ▪ What is your worth to God? ▪ What is the other person’s worth to God? o What difference does that make in how you view this conflict with your brother [sister] in Christ? See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. 1 John 3:1a

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57 Perspective on issues Most conflicts involve two different kinds of issues (see Luke 12:13-15): ▪ Substantive or material issues. ▪ Relational or personal issues or sin issues not related to personal offenses. Note that addressing each kind of issue requires a different approach: ▪ Substantive (material) issues should be negotiated or arbitrated. This is often referred to as conflict resolution. ▪ Relational (personal) issues involve how people have offended one another (sin) or have sinned in other ways. These are addressed through restoring with gentleness, confession and forgiveness. This describes reconciliation. People tend to make two critical mistakes in their approaches to conflict. They may: ▪ Mix together substantive and relational issues, which usually makes conflict more complicated and volatile. ▪ Ignore or minimize the other person’s perspective on either the substantive or relational issues. Ignoring issues delays resolution and often brings additional harm to relationships. To help prepare the party both to resolve the substantive issues and address the relationship issues, the coach assists the person to clarify and define the following: ▪ Issue: identifiable and concrete questions that must be addressed in order to reach an agreement. ▪ Position: a desired outcome or definable perspective on an issue. ▪ Interest: the motivations that underlie a position; a concern, desire, need, limitation, or something that a person values; sometimes concrete, but often abstract. Must be addressed in order to reach a truly satisfactory agreement. People tend to get stuck at the issue or position level (surface issues) and ignore the underlying interests. The coach helps people: ▪ Separate substantive issues from relational issues so that they can apply the proper biblical principles to each type of issue (Reconciliation vs. Negotiation). ▪ Go beyond surface issues and positions to understand and address the interests of everyone involved in the dispute (Philippians 2:3-4). ▪ Uncover hidden agendas so that underlying motives can be addressed. ▪ Give top priority to reconciling relationship issues, which usually enhances the successful resolution of substantive issues. Note that in the LCMS system, if a member of Synod breaks his/her commitment to the confessional / doctrinal commitments of the LCMS, these are sin issues (breaking the 8th Commandment; not honoring one’s vows). Thus, such issues are confronted as sin issues and are not negotiated. If not confessed, then discipline processes become necessary. Some sin issues are not personal offenses (e.g., doctrine or practice). But they must still be addressed through confrontation, confession, and forgiveness.

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59 Coaching with Scripture Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Colossians 3:16 Most people, including Christians, are unfamiliar with comparing their thoughts, words, and actions with Scripture. The coach must use care and skill in helping another apply Scripture. Distinguishing between Law and Gospel When coaching with Scripture, it is easy to lose the balance and distinction between Law and Gospel. Use caution not to fall into this trap. Luther’s Small Catechism with Explanation identifies the basics we need to keep in mind when applying both Law and Gospel throughout biblical peacemaking6 What does God teach and do in the Law? In the Law God commands good works of thought, word and deed and condemns and punishes sin (Mark 12:30-31; John 5:45; Romans 3:20). What does God teach and do in the Gospel? In the Gospel, the good news of our salvation in Jesus Christ, God gives forgiveness, faith, life, and the power to please Him with good works (John 3:16; John 6:63; Romans 1:16; Colossians 1:6). What purpose does the Law then serve? A. First, the Law helps to control violent outbursts of sin and keeps order in the world (a curb) (1 Timothy 1:9; Romans 2:14-15). B. Second, the Law accuses us and shows us our sin (a mirror) (Romans 3:20; 7:7). C. Third, the Law teaches us Christians what we should and should not do to lead a God-pleasing life (a guide). The power to live according to the Law comes from the Gospel (Psalm 119:9; Psalm 119:105; 1 John 4:9, 11; see also Luke 10:27). Where alone does God offer the forgiveness of sins? 6 Luther’s Small Catechism with Explanation © 1986, 1991 Concordia Publishing House (pp. 51, 94-95, 98). For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12

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60 God offers the forgiveness of sins only in the Gospel, the good news that we are freed from the guilt, the punishment, and the power of sin, and are saved eternally because of Christ’s keeping the Law and His suffering and death for us (John 3:16; Romans 1:16; 10:4; Galatians 3:13; Colossians 1:13-14). What is the difference between the Law and the Gospel? A. The Law teaches what we are to do and not to do; the Gospel teaches what God has done, and still does, for our salvation. B. The Law shows us our sin and the wrath of God; the Gospel shows us our Savior and the grace of God. C. The Law must be proclaimed to all people, but especially to impenitent sinners; the Gospel must be proclaimed to sinners who are troubled in their minds because of their sins. (End of quote from Luther’s Small Catechism with Explanation) Applying the Law Use the Law carefully to confront sinful attitudes, words, and actions. Remember that the purpose of using Law is not to tear down or condemn, but rather to bring a sinner to repentance so that he may be healed through Christ’s forgiveness. People by nature have knowledge of the Law, although it is tainted by sin. With little teaching from Scripture, most people recognize (at least to some point) how they fail to live up to God’s standards in peacemaking. Since we cannot see into another’s heart, we must be careful not to judge whether or not the Law has done its work in people’s hearts. Remember that it is the Gospel that empowers us to live as God’s children (see 1 Peter 2:24). The Law, on the other hand, by itself may lead us to despair and desire to sin even more (see Romans 7:7-12). Thus, when applying the Law, look for the opportunity to apply the Gospel. Applying the Gospel People possess no natural knowledge of the Gospel. Thus, when coaching, you need to always point to Christ as the source of our hope and forgiveness. This may be the first time that a person (even a long-term member of the church) may actually hear how the Gospel specifically applies to him or her. We remember Christ’s forgiveness as we read and hear God’s promise proclaimed to us from His Word. When we proclaim God’s forgiveness to others, we are simply sharing with them the gift that we have received. Be intentional in proclaiming the Gospel in your coaching.

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61 From the back page of the pamphlet Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness, read the passages of Scripture aloud, inserting the person’s name. For example: For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward [Name] who fears him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove [your] transgressions from [you]. Psalm 103:11-12 There is therefore now no condemnation for [Name] who [is] in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1 [Name,] for our sake [God] made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him [you] might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21 Recognizing sin If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. 1 John 1:8-10 One of the challenges when coaching is to help people apply Scripture to identify their sins. We live in a society where sin is minimized. Instead of recognizing their own sin, people tend to excuse sinful behavior with several words or phrases. For example: ▪ Mistake ▪ Error in judgment ▪ A little white lie ▪ No big deal! ▪ Everyone does it! It’s understandable that non-believers look for ways to excuse sin rather than recognize it because they don’t believe in the forgiveness of sins. Those who deny their sin, deny their need for a Savior. Christians can be honest about their sin because they believe that Jesus paid the full price for their sins. Yet, even Christians often fail to recognize sin for what it is – an offense against God and others. To guide the person to reconcile to God and to others, the coach assists the individual to examine his own heart against Scripture to recognize sinful thoughts, words, and actions. How can one appreciate the proclamation of God’s forgiveness if he is unable to recognize his own sin? The more you minimize sin, the more will grace decline in value. Luther’s Works, Volume 1 (St. Louis: CPH, 1958), 142.

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62 Using the Bible effectively Words of Scripture are powerful. Use the Bible carefully to bring healing and encourage reconciliation. ▪ Avoid quoting or reading the Bible to the person. ▪ Encourage the party to read from his own Bible. o If he doesn’t have his Bible with him, offer him a Bible with a translation with which he is comfortable. o Select a passage of Law to help the person see where he has failed to keep God’s commandments. o Choose a passage of Gospel to communicate grace, hope, forgiveness, and power to live as God’s children. ▪ Resist telling the person how the passage applies or what he should do. Remember your job as coach is to help the party discover for himself. o Ask the party to apply the passage to specific attitudes or behaviors: o “How might this passage apply to you in this situation?” o “How do you think this applies to you, especially when you …?” ▪ Use other sources that incorporate Scripture: o Coaching bookmarks. o Hymn. o Catechism. o Books (such as Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean or Confession & Forgiveness or The Peacemaker). Finding appropriate Scripture passages Experienced reconcilers learn that they need not know all of Scripture in order to use the Bible in coaching. However, it is invaluable to know a few key passages to use and/or to have easy reference materials to find key passages when you need them. Consider these reference materials: ▪ Coaching bookmarks (by Ambassadors of Reconciliation) were designed specifically for this purpose. See more details below. ▪ Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness pamphlet includes several Gospel passages – always appropriate to have handy when coaching, mediating, and teaching! ▪ Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? features scores of references to Bible passages. Think through the six sections and then scan the chapter for the heading that relates to the party’s situation. ▪ Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation, a Bible study similar to Go and Be Reconciled, but without Luther’s Small Catechism. Use in similar ways to the above Bible study.

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63 ▪ Luther’s Small Catechism. Consider which of the Ten Commandments or other chief part applies, then look up the questions that apply. Under each question you will find Bible verses that work well. ▪ Concordance (use if you can remember one or two key words of a verse) ▪ Quick Scripture Reference (Baker Books) is an excellent topical reference guide and a key tool for active reconcilers ▪ The Peacemaker by Ken Sande (Baker Books, 3rd Addition, 2004). If you remember that the book is divided into the Four G’s, you can quickly find the section and chapter where Ken Sande references scores of Bible passages for common issues in reconciliation work ▪ Google (use to find a verse by a key word or thought) Coaching Bookmarks Twelve different bookmarks feature passages on the following topics: ▪ Identity ▪ Fears ▪ Cravings ▪ Misplaced Trust ▪ Bitterness ▪ Careless Talk ▪ Anger ▪ Authority ▪ Suffering ▪ Love Others ▪ Confession ▪ Forgiveness Each bookmark features: ▪ A main subject common for helping people in reconciliation. ▪ A main passage on the subject written out on the front. ▪ Several more passages referenced on the back with brief description of each one. ▪ A Gospel passage written out on the back of every bookmark. Great for use in coaching: ▪ The reconciler keeps full sets in his / her own Bible to easily find appropriate verses. ▪ The reconciler asks the party to read the selected verse from his/her own Bible, helps him/her to apply it, prays, and then gives the bookmark as a reminder at the end of the coaching session. ▪ Bookmarks make great teaching tools. ▪ Bookmarks make great homework assignments. o Give appropriate bookmark. o Design two or three questions for application.

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65 The underlying source of our conflicts Conflict may be caused by misunderstandings or differences in perspectives or goals. But the Bible teaches that much of our conflict is directly caused or aggravated by a certain kind of desire. What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3 Note how this verse from James relates to the temptation of the serpent in the garden of Eden. Our old nature desires to be like God – or even to be the god of our own lives! What does conflict reveal about my heart? Quarrels and fights reveal our hidden desires. Such desires become evident when we sin against God or others to get what we want. Rather than responding to disagreements in God-honoring ways, we may react from our sinful nature by attacking or fleeing. When we don’t get what we want, we make our demands known and punish others. How does conflict in my heart relate to idolatry? God forbids us to have false gods: You shall have no other gods. Luther explains this Commandment: “We should fear, love, and trust in God above all things.” Any time we fear, love, or trust someone or something else more than God, we sin against the First Commandment. We are guilty of a form of idolatry, putting someone or something above God. In Luther’s Large Catechism, he describes what is meant by a false god. A god is that to which we look for all good and in which we find refuge in every time of need. To have a god is nothing else than to trust and believe him with our whole heart. As I have often said, the trust and faith of the heart alone make both God and an idol…. That to which your heart clings and entrusts itself is, I say, really your God.7 7 Luther’s Large Catechism, First Part: The Ten Commandments in Theodore E. Tappert, ed., The Book of Concord: The Confessions of the Evangelical Lutheran Church (Philadelphia: Fortress Press, 1959), 365. [The serpent said,] “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Genesis 3:5 ESV, emphasis added

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66 When we are willing to sin in order to get what we want, we are not fearing God most of all. We are not loving Him above everyone or everything else. We are not trusting that He will give us everything we need. We turn our desires into demands – demanding what we want from others and even from God. This puts us in conflict with anyone (including God!) whom we believe is putting up a roadblock to our desires. The result? Fights and quarrels (James 4:1-3). Our heart is determined to get what we want, when we want it, and the way in which we want it. When an individual behaves sinfully against another person, especially one who is close to him/her, the underlying motivation to serve one’s own desires is revealed. Instead of self-sacrifice, one sacrifices the desires or needs of others, including other family members. Rather than restraining sinful thoughts, words, and actions, a person by nature falls prey to temptation to do whatever is necessary to please oneself. Sinful behaviors exhibited in conflict reveal our struggle to serve ourselves and the secret desires of our hearts. We want to be the god of our own heart’s desires, and we expect others to give in to our demands. In other words, we are guilty of idolatry! Uncovering idols of the heart Sin originates in the heart. Our heart’s desires become idolatrous when we fear, love, or trust someone or something more than God. When coaching, you can help a person discover the underlying idols that are driving his sinful behavior. Use questions to uncover the following idols of the heart. Improper desires for physical pleasure This idol is often referred to “cravings” or “lusts of the flesh” in the Bible (see 1 John 2:15-17; Galatians 5:16-21; Ephesians 4:17-20). Examples include: ▪ Cravings for substances that create euphoric feelings, such as drugs or alcohol. ▪ Craving leisure (including sports, recreational activity, etc.). ▪ Excess cravings for the feelings that physical exercise can give. ▪ Sexual lust. Questions that can help one uncover improper desires for physical pleasure 1. What physical pleasure did you find yourself thinking about much of the time? 2. When a certain desire or expectation was not met, did you feel frustration, resentment, bitterness, or anger? 3. What was unsatisfying about the gifts God has given you? Sins against the First Commandment • Fears • Cravings • Misplaced trust For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. 1 John 2:16

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67 4. How did you get even with the other person when you did not get what you wanted from him/her? Pride and arrogance When one sets his own desires above others (including God!), he is guilty of pride and arrogance. In essence, the person establishes himself as a “god,” which is an example of misplaced trust. This common idol may exhibit itself through a condescending attitude or a desire to control others. Self-proclaimed “gods” judge others who do not meet their demands. These judgments lead to condemning and punishing those who do not serve them (see Proverbs 8:13; Proverbs 16:18; Matthew 23:12; contrast with 1 Corinthians 4:1-6). This idol becomes evident when one employs: ▪ Making sinful judgments about others ▪ Gossip ▪ Slander ▪ Demeaning one’s character or putting others down ▪ Making demands upon others ▪ Threatening others if certain conditions are not met Questions to help a person examine his heart for pride and arrogance: 1. How are your expectations of the other person magnifying your demands on him/her and your disappointment in his/her failure to meet your desires? 2. How are you judging the other person when your desires are not met? 3. How are you getting even with the other person when your desires are not met? 4. How have you communicated to the other person what you feel he/she must do? 5. How have you threatened the other person? (“Give me what I want or you will pay!”) Love of money or material possessions This idol is another example of craving or lust (see 1 Timothy 6:10; Hebrews 13:5). Note that the desire of money or material possessions in and of itself is not necessarily sinful. Such a desire becomes an idol when we are willing to sin in order to satisfy that desire. Examples are numerous. ▪ Clothes, car, house ▪ Financial accounts ▪ Increased wages, salary, or benefits For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs. 1 Timothy 6:10 The fear of the LORD is hatred of evil. Pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate. Proverbs 8:13

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68 ▪ Inheritance ▪ Appearance of having wealth Questions to help reveal love of money or material possessions: 1. What preoccupies your thoughts? (What is the first thing on your mind in the morning and/or the last thing at night?) 2. Fill in this blank: “If only I had _________________, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure.” What does this suggest to you about your trust in God for what you desire? 3. When a certain desire or expectation is not met, do you feel frustration, resentment, bitterness, or anger? Fear of man Fear of man is a common idol that nearly everyone experiences at different times. This idol of fear is revealed through excessive concern about what others think of us, leading to a preoccupation with acceptance, approval, popularity, personal comparisons, self-image, or pleasing others (see Proverbs 29:25; Luke 12:4-7). Examples include: ▪ Peer pressure (doing something sinful in order to gain approval of people) ▪ Co-dependency ▪ People-pleaser ▪ Going with the crowd Questions to help one discover fear of man: 1. Whose approval do you want most of all? 2. Whom are you seeking to please at almost any cost? 3. What do you want to preserve or avoid about your reputation? 4. In this situation, what or whom do you fear most? Good things that I want too much Good desires that we elevate into demands are another form of cravings or lusts. Note that many of the things we make into idols are wonderful blessings from God. We turn them into idols when we sin in order to achieve them (see Luke 12:22-31; James 4:1-3). The list of these idols is nearly endless. ▪ Happy marriage ▪ Respect from spouse or children ▪ Successful children The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe. Proverbs 29:25 The evil in our desire often is not in what we want, but that we want it too much. John Calvin

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69 ▪ Achievements in school, work, or personal life This idol begins to reveal itself when someone says, “Look, all I want is …” Questions to help reveal these idols: 1. What do you find yourself thinking about much of the time? 2. What causes you the most worry? How has your anxiety replaced your trust in God? 3. Fill in this blank: “If only _________________, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure.” What does this suggest to you about your trust in God for what you desire? 4. When a certain desire or expectation is not met, do you feel frustration, resentment, bitterness, or anger? Incidentally, a closely related idol to good things that we want too much is a fear of losing good things. This is often exhibited by anxiety or a desperation of losing something precious. How do idols develop? Jonah 2:8; 1 John 5:21 An idol can begin with a godly fear, desire, or trust. But once we demand what we want, it begins to develop into a full-blown idol. We slide down a slippery slope, moving from desire to demand. When expectations are not met, our frustration increases and we judge those who will not give us what we want. If they continue to refuse us, we punish them. The devil promises good things (i.e., happiness, satisfaction, safety, success, fame, special knowledge, etc.) if we turn our devotion away from God and devote ourselves to the idols of our hearts. But this is a great deception! If left unchecked, idolatry results in destruction or death of the idol and/or the person worshipping it. In other words, idolatry leads to death. For example, consider the eventual results of a drug addict not giving up his cravings – loss of friends and family, loss of self-respect, loss of health . . . If he never gives up his craving for drugs, he will eventually lose his life. The use of the drug promised great feelings and freedom. In the end, however, it results in death. The Development of an Idol Fear Desire Trust Demand Unmet expectations Frustrations Judge Punish End Result: Destruction or Death Because men do not know the cross and hate it, they necessarily love the opposite, namely, wisdom, glory, power, and so on. Therefore they become increasingly blinded and hardened by such love, for desire cannot be satisfied by the acquisition of those things which it desires. Just as the love of money grows in proportion to the increase of the money itself, so the dropsy of the soul becomes thirstier the more it drinks, as the poet says: “The more water they drink, the more they thirst for it.” But Christ says, John 4:13, “Every-one who drinks of this water will thirst again…” Martin Luther

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70 Not everyone is a drug addict! But our own idols can lead to similar results. What is sacrificed to the idols of our heart? Those guilty of worshipping idols sacrifice to them. This is also true of idols of the heart. We sacrifice people or things to serve our own idols. Consider a person whose idol was to get promoted at work. Janet believed that she deserved the promotion because of the number of years she worked for the company, and she wanted to earn more money. She had been overlooked for several promotions. When an opening for a higher position became available, Janet applied for it. But she learned that two co-workers also applied. Desperate to get the new position, she told some false rumors to the employer about the other two candidates, hoping that this would undermine their credibility and improve her odds for getting the job. Janet sacrificed much to her idol, including her integrity, her reputation, and her Christian witness. Her employer learned that the rumors were false. The woman not only failed to get the promotion, but she was terminated for her lack of integrity. Janet’s Progression of Her Idol Fear, Desire, or Trust: Desired promotion Demand: Demanded in her heart Unmet expectations: Denied promotion Frustrations: Frustrations grew Judge: Judged co-workers Punish: Spread rumors End Result: Lost her job In contrast to what we sacrifice to idols, God requires the sacrifice of a repentant heart (Psalm 51:17). The Development of an Idol Fear Desire Trust Demand Unmet expectations Frustrations Judge Punish End Result: Destruction or Death We know that every natural impulse, however innocent in itself, may stand between God and us, and so become an idol. C. S. Lewis

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71 Repentance leads to healing The way to flee from idols and turn towards God is through repentance. The coach leads the person to confess his idolatrous sins to God and proclaim God’s forgiveness. He who believes and trusts in God’s forgiveness through him finds freedom and healing. Through repentance, we exchange our worship of our false gods for the worship of the true God. Those who repent and seek hope for overcoming temptation receive God’s comfort, as found in passages such as Psalm 51:1-12; 1 John 1:9; 2 Corinthians 5:14-15; 1 Peter 2:24. David’s slide into idolatry In 2 Samuel 11, we read about King David and his fall into multiple layers of sin. How could a man who loved God so much sin so grievously? Review the account of David’s temptations and sin. Consider the idols he may have been struggling with that led to such desperate measures as you answer the following questions. ▪ What actions did David take to conceal his sins? ▪ How does Proverbs 28:13 address our attempts to cover up our sins? ▪ In addition to concealing his sins, what other sins did David commit? ▪ What did David’s sins reveal about his idols? ▪ What was David willing to sacrifice in order to serve his idols? ▪ How is David’s slide into these sins similar to our own struggle? David felt that he had covered up his sin through his desperate acts. He deceived himself thinking that he handled things so that no one would know what really happened. Many others must have known parts of what he had done. But there is one whom we can never deceive. And when the mourning was over, David sent and brought her to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the Lord. 2 Samuel 11:27 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:17

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72 Personal Application on Repentance Exercise: Self-Examination Think of a specific conflict where you acted inappropriately. You may have felt:  Anger  Bitterness  Pride  Intense jealousy  Defensiveness  Judgmental attitude  Fear Review the following questions. Note which kind of idols were you serving in that conflict. Indicate what or whom you sacrificed to get what you wanted. Improper desires for physical pleasure 1. What physical pleasure did you find yourself thinking about much of the time? 2. When a certain desire or expectation was not met, did you feel frustration, resentment, bitterness, or anger? 3. What was unsatisfying about the gifts God has given you? 4. How did you get even with the other person when you did not get what you wanted from him/her? Pride and arrogance 1. How are your expectations of the other person magnifying your demands on him/her and your disappointment in his/her failure to meet your desires? 2. How are you judging the other person when your desires are not met? 3. How are you getting even with the other person when your desires are not met? 4. How have you communicated to the other person what you feel he/she must do? 5. How have you threatened the other person? (“Give me what I want or you will pay!”) Love of money or material possessions 1. What preoccupies your thoughts? (What is the first thing on your mind in the morning and/or the last thing at night?) 2. Fill in this blank: “If only I had _________________, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure.” What does this suggest to you about your trust in God for what you desire?

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73 3. When a certain desire or expectation is not met, do you feel frustration, resentment, bitterness, or anger? Fear of man 1. Whose approval do you want most of all? 2. Whom are you seeking to please at almost any cost? 3. What do you want to preserve or avoid about your reputation? 4. In this situation, what or whom do you fear most? Good things that I want too much 1. What do you find yourself thinking about much of the time? 2. What causes you the most worry? How has your anxiety replaced your trust in God? 3. Fill in this blank: “If only _________________, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure.” What does this suggest to you about your trust in God for what you desire? 4. When a certain desire or expectation is not met, do you feel frustration, resentment, bitterness, or anger? For your specific conflict, identify the following: ▪ The kind of idol(s) I struggled with: ▪ What or whom I sacrificed or executed to get what I wanted: ▪ What will be the end result if this idolatry remains unchecked?

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75 Guiding people to receive God’s grace God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21 Although David’s idolatry led him into various depths of sin, God loved him. In 2 Samuel 12:1-13, we read how God sent Nathan to restore David, guiding him to receive God’s grace and amend his sinful life. Consider the following questions: ▪ David blinded himself. What was God’s response to David’s actions according to 2 Samuel 11:27? ▪ How does David’s experience with his own self-deception compare to what we do when we deny our sin? ▪ Reflecting on 2 Samuel 12:1-6, what did Nathan do that was so effective in convicting David of his sin? ▪ How was King David reconciled to God (2 Samuel 12:13)? Preparing parties to receive God’s grace ▪ The sinner often blinds himself to his own sin (2 Samuel 11:27; 1 John 1:8, 10; see also 2 Peter 1:9). ▪ David fell prey to the temptation of idolatry (2 Samuel 11). o He lusted after Bathsheba. o He acted on his lust, summoning her to him, abusing his authority. o Instead of confessing his sin when Bathsheba sent word she was pregnant, he denied his own sin to himself, her and her husband o He devised several plans to cover up his sin, each increasing in desperation and more sin ▪ Called Uriah home for a report, hoping Uriah would spend time with his wife ▪ Making Uriah drunk for a second night, hoping Uriah could not resist time with his wife ▪ Writing an order to Joab that would result in Uriah’s death in battle o After Uriah’s death, he married Bathsheba, boldly ignoring all his sins o He was guilty of idolatry: ▪ Fears (of being caught and losing respect or his kingship) ▪ Cravings (sexual lust, power, self-gratification) ▪ Pride and arrogance (trusting in his own power, making himself “god” and executing judgment against Uriah)

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76 ▪ Restoration begins with helping the sinner recognize his sin. o The sinner often needs help in understanding the underlying issues of his own heart (Galatians 6:1) o Note how Nathan gently restored David (2 Samuel 12:1-13). o Confrontation of sin is to be redemptive, gentle, engaging, and specific. o When the sinner repents and confesses sin, the spiritual leader comforts the sinner with God’s forgiveness, and prepares him for consequences and future responsibilities (2 Samuel 12:13-14). o The sinner, having been reminded of his forgiveness, once again worships the true God (2 Samuel 12:15-20; see also Psalms 32 and 51). Repentance is proper worship Through the confession of our idols, we lay our false gods down and worship the true God. Remembering God’s forgiveness, we worship God alone and replace wrong worship with right worship (see Exodus 20:3; Matthew 22:37-38). We exchange our sacrifice to idols for our contrition to God. Repentance is proper worship. (Psalm 51:17; see also Isaiah 66:2b). Confession or denial reflects confession of faith Denial of sin is a denial of our need for Christ. However, when we confess our sins, trusting in God’s forgiveness of sins, we confess our faith in Christ (cf. 1 John 1:9). The Greek word translated “confess” (ὁμολογῶμεν – homologōmen) means “say the same thing.” ▪ When we confess our faith in the words of the Apostles’ Creed, we say the same thing that God says in His Word – He created me, He redeemed me, and He sanctifies me. ▪ When we confess our sins, we confess our faith in Christ. But when we deny our sin, or whenever we self-justify, we profess a different confession of faith. Confession has two parts: ▪ That we confess our sins. ▪ That we receive God’s forgiveness (absolution). The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken spirit and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. Psalm 51:17 Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the LORD.” Nathan replied, “The LORD has taken away your sin. You are not going to die.” 2 Samuel 12:13 When we fail to confess our sin, in whom are we trusting (and in whom are we placing our faith) for justification? What does this imply about our profession of faith?

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77 God proclaims forgiveness God proclaims His forgiveness to new and old believers: ▪ Through His Word and Sacraments. ▪ Personally through God’s prophets and pastors (2 Samuel 12:13). ▪ Personally through God’s people. Proclaiming God’s forgiveness is more than assuming that one has knowledge of His forgiveness. Note how Jesus proclaims forgiveness to the sinful woman who washed his feet in Luke 7:48. From the text, it is clear that she knew about her forgiveness. (Jesus made the point that she loved much because she forgave much. He also told Simon that her many sins were forgiven.) But then Jesus turns to her to proclaim forgiveness directly, specifically, and personally. Christ’s ambassadors proclaim God’s forgiveness God calls us to proclaim His forgiveness to one another. We are called to be ambassadors for Christ in the ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:16-21). We proclaim God’s forgiveness to one another: ▪ For remembering God’s benefits in forgiveness and renewing one’s youth (Psalm 103:2-5). ▪ For comforting and strengthening the repentant sinner (Psalm 32:1-5; 2 Samuel 12:13). ▪ For ministering to sinners as Christ did (Matthew 9:2; Luke 7:48). ▪ For the church to proclaim the Gospel to individual sinners (Matthew 18:15-18; John 20:23; 2 Corinthians 2:5-11). ▪ For restoring a brother who has been caught in sin (Galatians 6:1-2). ▪ For responding to one another as we confess our sins to each other (James 5:16). ▪ For motivating God’s children to live for Him (2 Corinthians 5:14-15). ▪ For empowering the Christian to live the sanctified life (1 Peter 2:24; 2 Peter 1:3-9). ▪ For serving as an ambassador of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:20).

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78 His ambassadors forgive personally We are called to forgive one another as He forgave us. ▪ We are all sinners in need of God’s grace (Romans 3:23-24). ▪ We forgive one another because God forgave us in Christ (Matthew 6:12, 14-15; 18:21-35; Colossians 3:12-13; Ephesians 4:29-5:2). ▪ We profess our faith in Christ when we confess and forgive (1 John 1:8-9; 1 Peter 2:12; John 13:35; Colossians 3:12-13; 1 John 4:2-21). Consequences of unconfessed idolatry Clinging to our idols brings severe consequences. Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love. Jonah 2:8 These consequences not only affect us, but others we influence. So these nations feared the Lord and also served their carved images. Their children did likewise, and their children's children—as their fathers did, so they do to this day. 2 Kings 17:41 Repentance leads to healing and peace But true worship – renouncing idols through repentance and faith – brings reconciliation, peace, healing, and eternal life (Proverbs 28:13; Acts 3:19). Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. Psalm 103:1-5 Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. Jonah 2:8 NIV

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80 Personal Application on Confession and Forgiveness Exercise: Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness The purpose of this exercise is for you to personally proclaim God’s forgiveness to a fellow Christian and to hear that same forgiveness proclaimed to you. This is what the Confessions refer to as “mutual conversation and consolation of the brethren” (Smalcald Articles, Part III, Article IV; note also Matthew 18:20 and Romans 1:12). ▪ Find a partner, go to a private place, and confess to one another. ▪ For your confession, try using the form from Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness. o Your confession may be specific or general. o What is most important is to receive the absolution. ▪ Proclaim God’s forgiveness to one another (use the form from Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness). ▪ Use words of Scripture (several listed on back page of Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness). ▪ Before finishing, pray for one another. ▪ Remember confidentiality of confessional.

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82 Prepare the party to go to other person Once a person is reminded of his reconciliation to God, the coach prepares him to go and be reconciled. He may prepare the person for several next steps: ▪ Make the initial contact. ▪ Confess to the other person. ▪ Forgive the other person. ▪ Restore the other party with gentleness. ▪ Negotiate the material issues. ▪ Practice. ▪ Anticipate reactions from the other party. Making the initial contact Some parties will know how best to contact the other party. However, individuals who have become hardened in their disputes with others may need help in knowing how best to contact the other party. The coach may need to help the person overcome denial, fear, anger or other obstacles. In addition, she may need to help the party come up with solutions for making the contact. How one makes the contact will vary depending on the circumstances. Options include: ▪ A personal visit. ▪ A phone call. ▪ A card. ▪ An email. Note that in the initial contact, the purpose should be for inviting the person to meet face-to-face. Confession, offering forgiveness, or gently restoring should normally not be attempted through: ▪ Texting. ▪ Email. ▪ A card or letter. ▪ Phone call. Many parties need help in thinking through how best to contact those with whom they are in dispute. In rare instances, the parties may be so estranged that the coach may need to help with the initial contact. There may also be certain cases where a significant power imbalance exists and the coach may need to intervene. However, the coach needs to use discretion and resist getting involved when the party has the biblical responsibility to go and be reconciled.

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83 Confession Once a person has recognized his sin, confessed to God, and heard God’s forgiveness proclaimed, he will be better prepared to confess to the other person. However, it is often more difficult to face an opponent for confession than a coach who has earned passport. A party often needs help preparing to confess to the other party. The Guidelines for Confession serve as an excellent way to help the party prepare. Guidelines for Confession In simpler situations, it may be sufficient to orally review these guidelines with a party. In long-term conflicts or those with more strained relationships, the coach may encourage the party to write out a confession. ▪ Go as a beggar. Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 15:19; Luke 18:13-14; James 5:16 ▪ Own your sin. Numbers 5:5-7; Psalm 32:3-5; Psalm 51:3-4 o “I sinned against God and you when I . . .” o “I was wrong . . .” ▪ Identify your sins according to God’s Word. o Sinful thoughts – Ecclesiastes 2:1-3; Matthew 15:19; Luke 6:45 o Sinful words – Exodus 20:16; Proverbs 11:13; Ephesians 4:29 o Sinful actions – Exodus 20:12-17; Matthew 7:12; Galatians 5:19-21 o Sins of omission, such as failing to love as Christ commands – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 o Note Psalm 51:4 and the prodigal son’s confession to his father in Luke 15:21 ▪ Express sorrow for hurt your sin has caused. Luke 15:21 o “My sin hurt you by…” or “I am sorry for how my actions hurt you when…” o If you are unsure how your behavior was hurtful, ask! (“How have my actions hurt you?”) ▪ Commit to changing your behavior with God’s help. Psalm 51:10-12; Matthew 3:8; Luke 19:8; Romans 6:21-22; Ephesians 4:22-24 o “With God’s help, I will not do this again.” ▪ Be willing to bear the consequences. Numbers 5:5-7; Luke 15:21; Luke 19:8

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84 ▪ Ask for forgiveness. Genesis 50:17; Psalm 32:5; Matthew 5:23-24; Luke 18:13 ▪ Trust in Christ’s forgiveness. Psalm 103:8-13; Colossians 1:13-14; Ephesians 1:7-10 o Regardless if the other person forgives, trust in Christ’s forgiveness. Forgive as God forgave you Forgiving others as God has forgiven us is impossible on our own strength. However, with the Apostle Paul we can claim by faith: I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 When the hurts are deep and the pain long-term, helping a wounded party to forgive will likely take time. Thus, patience, love and care are all necessary as the coach works with a hurting party. When people struggle to forgive, and when they refuse to forgive, they need help in remembering how God has forgiven them. Peter observes this about those who fail to demonstrate fruit of the Spirit: For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. 2 Peter 1:9, emphasis added Peter also teaches how one is empowered to live the sanctified life: He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24, emphasis added Helping a Party Overcome Unforgiveness Consider the following suggestions for coaching someone in forgiveness: ▪ Forgiving as the Lord forgave does not depend on what the other party has done or might do. Rather, it depends on focusing on Jesus and what He has done and is doing for us – giving us the free gift of His forgiveness. o This may be done during a coaching session while the coach and party are together. However, it may be more effectively done through homework assignments (described later in this course). While not every one of the guidelines is necessary for a godly confession, these can help you take full responsibility for your part in a conflict and avoid denying your sin or blame-shifting.

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85 ▪ When a party is struggling or refusing to forgive: o Ask if they believe that Christ died for the other person. o If not, help the person to understand God’s forgiveness for him. o If yes, ask if they can proclaim God’s forgiveness to the other person. o Help him practice announcing God’s forgiveness, using the form Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness. o Encourage the person to use Bible passages in their declaration of God’s forgiveness (back of Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness). ▪ Once a party can proclaim God’s forgiveness, ask questions to help the person grow in faith to forgive as God has forgiven them both. ▪ CAUTION . . . Be aware of a party who forgives easily, especially when the hurt is deep or long-term or involves harm against those he loves. o Some Christians know what they ought to do, or can say what they should, but still struggle in their heart. o Explore what forgiveness means to that person – God’s forgiveness for him and his forgiveness for his opponent. o Test to ascertain that the person you are coaching can forgive. What about consequences? Forgiveness always relieves the worst consequence of all – eternal separation from God! However, the Bible teaches that forgiveness does not necessarily remove the earthly consequences. Nevertheless, our Lord often shows great mercy, withholding the consequences. An example is given in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) in which the father showed great mercy to his repentant son. When balancing mercy and consequences, consider the purposes of consequences: ▪ Consequences may be necessary to provide restitution. Numbers 5:5-7; Luke 19:8 ▪ Consequences may be a form of discipline for teaching the sinner. Proverbs 3:11-12; Hebrews 12:11 ▪ Consequences provide others an example or warning. 1 Corinthians 5:6-7; Acts 5:5 ▪ Consequences may protect a sinner from further temptation. Matthew 6:13; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8; 5:22 Thus, it is important to consider the purposes and benefits of consequences when balancing mercy and consequences.

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86 Restore with gentleness Remind parties that before they go to restore others, Jesus first calls them to confess their own contribution to the conflict before helping another with his sin. [Jesus said,] “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” Matthew 7:3-5 What does it mean to restore? Helping one who is caught in sin often includes someone with whom we find ourselves in conflict. ▪ The one who is ensnared in sin is in need of restoration. ▪ The one called to restore is “you who are spiritual.” ▪ Other passages also teach us to help others who need restoration (e.g., Matthew 18:15; Philippians 4:2-3; James 5:19-20). The word translated “caught” in Galatians 6:1 can have different meanings in English. The original Greek word that is translated “caught” does not have the sense of “Aha! I caught you in the act!” Rather, “caught” means one who is entangled with sin. The Greek word in this text was also used when referring to a fish that was caught in a net or to an animal that is ensnared in a trap. The word translated “restore” was used by Greeks in other settings as well. One application was for mending a fishing net. Such delicate work requires care to avoid ruining the net. Another use of the word was a medical term as in restoring a broken bone. Note that gentleness is required for restoration in each meaning. What is needed most? What is most needed by the one who is ensnared in sin is forgiveness – especially God’s forgiveness (Psalm 32:1-5; 2 Peter 1:9; 1 John 1:8-9). Thus, the main purpose in restoring is to prepare the person to receive the forgiveness that is his in Christ Jesus. Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1-2

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87 What does it mean to restore with gentleness? When we address another’s sins, especially when that person has hurt us or someone we love, we might be tempted in a number of ways. Thus, the coach helps a party to understand these temptations: ▪ Let our anger get out of control, thus giving the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-27). ▪ Sinfully judge the other person in a condemning way when we ourselves are guilty of the same thing; in so doing, we condemn ourselves (Romans 2:1). ▪ Provoke to anger one’s child or others under one’s leadership, rather than bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). As God’s chosen people, He expects us to deal with one another in very specific ways, including when we are in conflict. In Colossians 3:12-17, Paul reminds us: ▪ We are holy and beloved because we have been reconciled in Christ’s body by His death as we continue steadfastly in the faith (Colossians 1:22-23). ▪ We are to be clothed with compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience (Colossians 3:12). ▪ We are called to forgive others as we have been forgiven (Colossians 3:13). ▪ Our overall attitude and action should be to put on love, which binds everything together in perfect unity (Colossians 3:14). ▪ The peace of Christ should rule our hearts. This peace results from our reconciliation to God through the blood of Christ’s cross (Colossians 1:20). This contrasts with our Old Adam nature to serve our own desires above others (Colossians 3:15; see also Philippians 2:3-4). ▪ We should teach and admonish one another with all wisdom based on the word of Christ, which should dwell in us richly. If we are not regularly in God’s Word, we will fail in this responsibility (Colossians 3:16). Resolving the material issues In reconciliation, we seek to restore the relationship by addressing the relational or personal issues of the conflict. Relational issues are reconciled through confession and forgiveness. In conflict resolution, we address the material or substantive issues of the conflict. We identify the problems to be solved and negotiate to resolve them. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Galatians 6:1b

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88 Most of the coaching normally focuses on reconciliation. Resolving the material issues is also necessary when addressing conflict. Once the relationship begins to heal, negotiating the material issues becomes more likely. Scripture teaches what to do when we need to resolve material issues. ▪ Commit your plans to the LORD. (Proverbs 16:1-3) ▪ Be reasonable. Don’t be anxious, but pray. (Philippians 4:5-6) ▪ Love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22:39) ▪ Look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-5) ▪ Do everything without grumbling or complaining. (Philippians 2:14) ▪ Be wise – seek godly counsel. (Proverbs 12:15) Practice In sports, practice is crucial for learning and developing new skills. The same is true for reconciling. Thus, the coach helps the party practice biblical peacemaking. This can be done through simple role-playing or asking the party to write out words to say. Anticipate reactions from the other party Anticipating potential reactions is important to prevent your party from being caught off guard and falling back into an Old Adam natural response. The coach helps the party anticipate how the other person might respond to his attempts to reconcile. This can be done by asking the party to identify several possible reactions, ranging from negative to positive, and then asking the party to think through how he will deal with each reaction. Dealing with unreasonable people At times, we can all be tempted to be unreasonable. In any case, part of preparing a party is to anticipate the possibility of unreasonable behavior from his opponent as he attempts to reconcile. A few ideas . . . ▪ The other person’s sin does not justify another sinful response. ▪ Control your tongue. ▪ Give yourself permission to take time to respond. o It may mean withdrawing temporarily to prepare a godly response. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4 God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us Romans 5:8

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89 ▪ Seek godly counsel from those whom will keep your situation confidential. ▪ Be aware if a situation becomes dangerous for you or someone else, and take action to be safe. ▪ Remember your role and God’s role (2 Timothy 2:24-26). o Your role is to be a messenger. o God’s job is to change the other person’s heart. ▪ No matter what the outcome, look for the best way to show godly love. On the contrary, “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:20-21 (see also Luke 6:27-31) ▪ Focusing on love can protect you from your own bitterness and resentment. ▪ Your example of patient love in the light of suffering may help bring about repentance. ▪ Remember that others may be watching, including unbelievers. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation. 1 Peter 2:12 Provide encouragement Even when people know what they should do, they often need encouragement, confidence, and hope. ▪ Offer hope and assurance: o Proclaim the Gospel (Romans 4:25-5:2). o Remind him of his Baptism and resulting freedom in Christ (Romans 6:1-14). o Point out that he is “chosen, holy, and dearly loved” (Colossians 3:12-14). o Emphasize God’s faithfulness, power, and goodness (Philippians 1:6; 1 Corinthians 10:13). o God promises that a person’s efforts are not in vain (1 Corinthians 15:58). ▪ Identify with the person’s pain in appropriate ways, offering compassion and sharing similar experiences (2 Corinthians 1:1-11). o When hardship and suffering cannot be legitimately avoided, look to Christ for comfort and encouragement (Matthew 11:28-30; Romans 5:1-5; Hebrews 12:1-3; 1 Peter 2:18-25; James 1:2-4;).

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91 7. Coaching through Homework Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24 Some of the most effective coaching is done through assigning homework, also referred to as preparatory work. When parties are reflecting on biblical teaching on their own without a coach or opponent in their presence, they often are more open to being honest with God and themselves. Your goals in assigning homework General objectives for assigning homework include: ▪ Helping a party focus on his personal responsibilities in the conflict. ▪ Encouraging a party to compare his attitudes, words, and actions to Scripture. ▪ Providing a party personal time to reflect more thoughtfully without others present that may make him feel defensive. ▪ Encouraging the person to take specific steps toward reconciliation: o A good coach doesn’t run the plays; the player does. o Help people with things that are beyond their abilities, but do not assume their responsibilities. ▪ A long-term objective is teaching the individual how to apply Scripture to situations in his everyday life. Gain commitment for homework Before assigning homework, you must first gain commitment from the party. For example: ▪ “Are you willing to do some preparation to help resolve this conflict?” ▪ “May I make a suggestion?” ▪ “The other party has agreed to do some homework to prepare for your meeting. Can I offer a suggestion on some homework that will help you prepare for your meeting?”

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92 Designing effective assignments To make effective assignments, follow these guidelines: ▪ Design the assignment around one major objective. Trying to cover more than one key area loses impact. ▪ Keep the assignment fairly simple. Long reading assignments or multiple questions can confuse or overwhelm a party, which often results in the assignment not being completed or having much impact. ▪ Assign something to read or meditate upon: o Short Bible reading (may be only one or two passages or one story). o Short reading from Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? or Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation. o Section from Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness. o Short reading from The Peacemaker or a section from Peacemaking Principles pamphlet. o A coaching bookmark. o Devotion from Forgiven to Forgive, A Reason for Hope, or another resource. o A catechism section. o A hymn or poem. ▪ Provide a few questions to answer that help the person apply the biblical teaching to a specific attitude or behavior of that person o Ask open-ended questions. o Avoid questions that are too general or too obvious. o Require that the answers be written out. ▪ Continue to balance Law and Gospel. If you assign a passage that may convict someone of their sin, be sure to also include Gospel to comfort them. ▪ Follow up in another coaching appointment to assist with application and to provide accountability. o What did you learn from the assignment? o How did the assignment help prepare you for your next step? Keys for effective homework ▪ Keep it simple! ▪ A relevant reading which teaches biblical application ▪ Open-ended questions that help them apply the reading to their situation ▪ Balance Law and Gospel ▪ Follow-up with another coaching appointment

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93 8. Sample Homework Assignments Many of these samples are drawn from actual assignments that were helpful during reconciliation cases. Use good judgment in determining which assignment, if any, is appropriate to use for your party’s situation. Design homework assignments that are appropriate for the person you are helping. This is not an exhaustive list, but only a sampling of what you can do. Remember, it is best if your assignment is short and focuses on one or two specific areas. Avoid the temptation to give several or all of these assignments at once, thinking that you will quickly help the parties resolve all the issues in their conflict. Coaching Bookmarks Twelve different bookmarks feature passages on the following topics: ▪ Identity ▪ Fears ▪ Cravings ▪ Misplaced Trust ▪ Bitterness ▪ Careless Talk ▪ Anger ▪ Authority ▪ Suffering ▪ Love others ▪ Confession ▪ Forgiveness

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95 Reproducible Bible Studies based on Bookmarks (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2015 – 2018) Short Bible studies have been developed on the bookmarks and are available by download from the AoR bookstore (www.AoRHope.org). Each study utilizes many of the passages from the named bookmark, and includes practical application questions. The studies incorporate passages for both Law and Gospel, and use questions for reflection. Each study can be used as a single homework assignment. ▪ Identity – 3 page study ▪ Careless Talk – 3 page study ▪ Love Others – 3 page study ▪ Suffering – 3 page study ▪ Authority – 3 page study ▪ Bitterness – 3 page study ▪ Anger – 3 page study ▪ Confession – 3 page study ▪ Forgiveness – 3 page study ▪ Fear, Cravings, & Misplaced Trust (also incoporating Confession and Forgiveness)– 12 page study

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96 Devotion Booklets: Forgiven to Forgive, A Reason for Hope (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2010 and 2019) Written specifically to complement work in reconciliation. ▪ Features to draw upon: o Chose from 42 devotions in each booklet, numbered and titled. o Chose from 10 prayers in the back, all designed for reconciliation prayer requests. ▪ Use in a number of applications: o For sharing a devotion with individuals. o As coaching assignments. o For closing and opening mediation and arbitration meetings. o For meeting with co-reconcilers. o For opening and closing teaching sessions. ▪ For homework assignments: o Assign specific devotions to be completed between coaching sessions. o For longer processes, ask participants to start at the beginning and use the devotions daily through your working with them. o Assign a specific devotion and design two to three questions to accompany that devotion for application. ▪ See below for the list of questions prepared for each of the Forgiven to Forgive devotions. ▪ Questions are included in A Reason for Hope. o Assign a specific prayer from the back of the booklet. Forgiven to Forgive List of Devotions by Day with Questions Devotion for Day 1, “Unaware of Our Need for Rescue” 1. As you consider the conflict or strained relationship in your own life, how have you stumbled along in your sinful condition? What things have you thought, said, or done that have contributed to the situation? 2. Romans 5:10 reminds us that our most serious conflict in all of life is with God—by nature we are His enemies! And yet, in our sinful state, we were unaware of our need for reconciliation. In that conflict, did God wait for us to come to Him for reconciliation, or did He initiate reconciliation with us (see Romans 5:8)? 3. Reflecting on your strained relationship, as well as God’s reconciliation with you, what are your responsibilities toward reconciling with this other person? Consider the following steps: a. What ought to be my thoughts about the other person? b. What practical steps can I take to begin the reconciliation process? c. What is keeping me from taking these steps? d. Write a prayer asking for God’s help, praying for the other person, and praising Christ for reconciliation. Note the devotions & homework questions from Forgiven to Forgive are available in the AoR app Reconciler Toolbox.

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97 Devotion for Day 2, “Bloody People” 1. Sometimes we become depressed and convince ourselves that we are not worth much. Read 1 Peter 1:17-21. With what did God purchase (ransom) you? What does this suggest about your worth to God? 2. Considering the one with whom you have a strained relationship, with what did God purchase (ransom) that other person? What does this suggest about his/her worth to God? 3. Reflecting on the worth that God places on both you and the other person: a. How can my thoughts about me reflect God’s love and value for me? b. How can my thoughts about the other person reflect God’s love and value for me? c. Write out some words you can say to the other person that reflect being bloody people. d. Write a prayer that God will reinforce His view of you and the other person as you seek reconciliation. Devotion for Day 3, “The Poison of Unforgiveness” 1. Identify someone that you are currently resisting or struggling to forgive. What has he/she done that has hurt or offended you so deeply? 2. What results have your withholding forgiveness had on you? a. How has your worship of God been affected by withholding forgiveness? b. How has bitterness, anger, malice, or unkind thinking toward this other person occupied your thoughts? How often does this happen? 3. In your mind, what needs to happen to help you overcome your struggle to forgive? a. What does God require of you before offering you forgiveness? (See Romans 5:8). b. What does God require of the other person before offering forgiveness? c. Pray the Lord’s Prayer, pausing as you pray the petition, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Devotion for Day 4, “Conflict an Opportunity?” 1. Begin by praying the prayer at the end of the devotion. 2. Name at least three ways that you can respond to this conflict in a way that will glorify God. 3. Identify at least 4 different people or groups of people that you can serve in this conflict. 4. Write how you can grow to be more like Christ through your response to this conflict.

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98 Devotion for Day 5, “As Good as the Paper It’s Written On” 1. Think back on how your conflict began. From your perspective, what were your best intentions? 2. Looking at your conflict from God’s perspective, what commitments or promises did you make in this situation that you have not carried out fully, in spite of what may have happened (e.g., the other person did not live up to your expectations)? 3. How have you broken your word or not lived up to expectations that you helped create? 4. Pray the words from 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24, inserting your own name for “you.” Note in verse 24 who is faithful to you, no matter what you do. Devotion for Day 6, “Fights and Quarrels” 1. Considering a current or recent conflict, what underlying desires were driving you to take your position and respond to the conflict in the ways that you did? 2. If you were able to get what you wanted in the conflict, whose desires were served most of all – your own, the other person’s, or God’s? 3. If you were unable to get everything you wanted, how did you respond (identify your thoughts, words, and actions)? Which of your reactions were sinful? 4. Using the prayer from the devotion, include a confession for your sinful desires. Note that God’s forgiveness covers the desires that cause our fights and quarrels. Devotion for Day 7, “Forget Not!” 1. As you think about your recent or current conflict, read again Psalm 103:1-5. What are some of God’s benefits for you in this situation? 2. Identify the first benefit listed in verses 3-5. How does this benefit lead to the others? 3. How can you apply this cherished benefit from God in your current situation with others? 4. Write a prayer incorporating a couple of the key thoughts you gained from this devotion. Devotion for Day 8, “Trust in Me” 1. Carefully think about your thoughts, words, and actions in this conflict. What or whom have you been trusting to respond to this conflict? 2. In this whole situation, what or whom do you fear most of all? 3. Whom ought you to fear most of all in this situation according to Proverbs 3:7? 4. Write a prayer in which you acknowledge your fear, love and trust in your heavenly Father. Ask Him for the strength to overcome your misplaced trust and fears so that you may depend fully on Him and not rely on your own understanding.

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99 Devotion for Day 9, “Where Can I Get Help?” 1. Identify what concerns you most about your current unresolved conflict. 2. How have you responded well to this situation? 3. How have you responded sinfully? a. When responding sinfully, on whom were you depending most of all for wisdom, safety, and strength? 4. Pray Psalm 46, beginning with these words: “Faithful and loving Father, you know everything about the conflict involving me and ____________. Teach me to be still and know that You are God. . . .” Devotion for Day 10, “True Love” 1. How has and does God demonstrate his love for you? 2. How can you demonstrate your love for God in the way that you treat your opponent in this conflict? 3. How can you demonstrate love for the person with whom you are in conflict? 4. Write a prayer asking for Jesus to lead you in loving this other person. Begin your prayer with the words, “I love You, Jesus, because You first loved me.” Devotion for Day 11, “Fixing Our Eyes on Jesus” 1. In your strained relationship or conflict, what has caused you to worry, lose hope, or become discouraged? 2. How did Jesus overcome discouragement and avoid distractions when going to the cross for your sins? 3. How can fixing your eyes on Jesus help you persevere in seeking reconciliation for this conflict, even in the face of adversity? 4. Pray for God’s help to persevere in following His will as you seek reconciliation. Devotion for Day 12, “All for God” 1. In your specific conflict, how have you sought godly justice? How have you demonstrated godly mercy? 2. In what ways have you failed to exhibit humility, be just in all your dealings, or shown mercy? 3. In spite of your failings, Jesus accomplished justice for you, setting aside His glory for your shame, paying for the full punishment of your sin through His suffering and death. Then He rose from the dead, victorious over sin, death and the devil. How does this good news comfort and encourage you as you consider your next steps in your conflict? 4. Write a prayer thanking Jesus for his mercy and grace shown you. Then ask for His help that you might demonstrate that same mercy and grace in your conflict.

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100 Devotion for Day 13, “Abundant Life” 1. In what ways has your current conflict caused you to feel that your life is missing something important? What good things have you lost or might you lose because of this conflict? 2. In spite of the challenges of these losses, identify at least five ways in which you have abundant life because of what Christ has done for you. 3. How does the abundant life that Christ offers change your perspective on this conflict? 4. Pray in the words of the hymn “Jesus, Lead Thou On:” Jesus, lead Thou on Till our rest is won; And although the way be cheerless, We will follow calm and fearless. Guide us by Thy hand To our fatherland. When we seek relief From a long-felt grief, When temptations come alluring, Make us patient and enduring. Show us that bright shore Where we weep no more. Jesus, lead Thou on Till our rest is won. Heav’nly leader, still direct us, Still support, console, protect us, Till we safely stand In our fatherland.8 Amen. Devotion for Day 14, “So Much to Fight For” 1. How have the rich blessings that you and your opponent received from God led to your conflict in this matter? 2. Whose interests did God consider when giving up His only Son to die? 3. Interests are what motivate us to take a position. They can include desires, values, beliefs, and more. In this conflict, identify: a. Your God-pleasing interests. b. Your opponent’s God-pleasing interests. c. God interests for both of you. 4. Write a prayer that God will help you set aside selfish interests and help you and your opponent both find ways to meet your God-pleasing interests in this conflict. Devotion for Day 15, “Log Jam” 1. How have you contributed to the conflict between you and your opponent? 2. Identify ways in which you have sinned. Use the following for your self-examination: a. Sinful thoughts: i. Anger, malice, bitterness. 8 Nicolaus Ludwig von Zinzendorf; tr. Jane L. Borthwick; stanzas 1, 3, and 4; public domain.

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101 ii. Judging or condemning the other person in your heart. iii. Assuming the other person’s motives. iv. Justifying your actions because the other person hurt or disappointed you. b. Sinful words (verbal, email, texting, personal web page, etc.): i. Worthless talk that does not benefit or build others up, such as name calling, sinful judging, angry words, etc. ii. Grumbling and complaining. iii. Falsehood (including exaggeration). iv. Gossip or slander. c. Sinful actions: i. Avoid the other person rather than talk to him/her. ii. Using avoidance as a way to control the other person. iii. Attacking the other person in any way (words, email, looks, talking to someone in authority in order to bring force to bear on the person, etc.). iv. Breaking your word or failing to do all you promised. v. Misusing authority. vi. Being disrespectful to authority. vii. Failing to treat others as you wish to be treated. 3. Write a confession using the Guidelines of confession: a. Go as a beggar. b. Own your sin. c. Identify your sins according to God’s Word. d. Express sorrow for hurt your sin has caused. e. Commit to changing your behavior with God’s help. f. Be willing to bear the consequences. g. Ask for forgiveness. h. Trust in Christ’s forgiveness. 4. Write a prayer that God will grant you the strength, courage, and opportunity to confess your sins to those you have sinned against. Devotion for Day 16, “Downcast and Pleased” 1. How have Christ’s wounds affected how God sees you in this conflict? Your opponent? 2. Although you may not yet be reconciled to your sister/brother in Christ, what is your source of peace according to the Scripture for today’s reading? 3. How can your peace with God affect how you view your opponent and the conflict you find yourself in? 4. Write a prayer that God gives you eyes to see yourself and your opponent the way that God sees both of you.

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102 Devotion for Day 17, “Me, a Witness?” 1. When Christians fight, at least ten others are watching. Identify at least seven individuals or groups of people that are aware of your conflict. Be sure to remember your own family. 2. As these others observe your response to this conflict, what godly witness are you giving? Ungodly witness? 3. How can you respond to this conflict in such a way that others including your opponent will see you give witness to Christ? 4. Write a prayer that your response in this conflict will glorify God through your witness. Devotion for Day 18, “How’s Your Attitude?” 1. Considering your strained relationship, how has your own attitude made the situation worse? 2. How can you serve others in this conflict? a. God b. Your opponent c. Others who may be affected directly by this conflict d. Others who are observing your responses to this conflict 3. Write a prayer thanking Jesus for His servant attitude toward you, and that the Holy Spirit will give you an attitude of love, service, and sacrifice toward those you listed above. Devotion for Day 19, “God, Help Me!” 1. Thinking about your conflict, in what ways do you feel incapable or unwilling to deal with this situation in a God-honoring way? 2. On whose strength have you been depending for responding in a Christ-like way? 3. In Ephesians 2:10, God teaches: “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Identify some of the good works that God desires you do in this current conflict. 4. Write a prayer of confession for leaning on your own strength instead of God’s. Then, thanking God for His promises of forgiveness, ask Him to strengthen and equip you for the good work He planned in advance for you in this specific situation. Devotion for Day 20, “Handle with Kid Gloves” 1. After you have considered your own contribution to this conflict (e.g., get the log out of your own eye; see Devotion for Day 15), identify how the other person contributed to this conflict? 2. Write down some specific steps that you can take to help restore this person gently.

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103 3. Write down specific words that you can say to bring about restoration. Include not only how you have been hurt, but how Christ died for that sin and how you are preparing to forgive as Christ has forgiven you. 4. Pray the prayer “For Approaching Someone in Conflict with Me” on the last page of the booklet Forgiven to Forgive. Devotion for Day 21, “To Bless or To Curse” 1. Consider your opponent. How have your thoughts led to think unkind things about him/her? Has this helped or hurt your ability to reconcile? 2. Identify at least five different ways that you can show love, care and concern to this person, even if he/she is not treating you well. 3. Write a prayer in which you ask God to bless the other person. Include a petition that the Holy Spirit will guide you in finding ways to bless the other person and avoid cursing or thinking poorly of him/her. Devotion for Day 22, “Standing in the Presence of God” 1. What comfort do you have that God is always with you? What does it mean to you that you are always in the presence of God? 2. Being in the presence of God, how does that effect the way you will respond to your opponent? 3. Pray the prayer “For Glorifying God in My Conflict” in the back of the booklet under the section “Prayers for Reconciliation.” Devotion for Day 23, “Forgive Whom?” 1. With Christ’s prayer of forgiveness . . . a. How does God see you? b. How does God see your opponent? 2. When Jesus was giving His best, His all – dying for the sins of the world – was that enough for everyone? a. Why or why not? b. Did Jesus still forgive the sins of everyone? 3. What has your opponent done that makes it difficult for you to forgive? 4. Identify ways you can demonstrate your acts of forgiveness to your opponent. 5. Pray in the words of the hymn “Jesus, Thy Blood and Righteousness”: Lord, I believe Thy precious blood, Which at the mercy seat of God Pleads for the captives’ liberty, Was also shed in love for me.9 Amen. 9 Nicolaus Ludwig von Zinzendorf; tr. John B. Wesley, 3rd stanza; public domain.

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104 Devotion for Day 24, “Making the Impossible Possible” 1. Read 2 Peter 1:3-9. What are the great and precious promises that God has given us? 2. When the Holy Spirit works through Holy Baptism, Holy Communion, and God’s Holy Word (the Means of Grace), what do we participate in according to 2 Peter 1:4)? 3. How does it impact you to know that God is empowering you for the work of reconciliation? 4. What different actions and behaviors can you now show and do to present yourself as a living sacrifice? Devotion for Day 25, “God Have Mercy on Your Soul” 1. What motivated God to show mercy on your soul? 2. What keeps God continuing to show mercy on your soul? What is your responsibility? 3. Using the “Guidelines for Confession,” consider “Own your sin” and “Identify you sins according to God’s Word.” Write out your sins of thoughts, words, and deeds that are heavy on your heart. 4. Write a prayer thanking God for the love and mercy He has shown you beyond what you ever deserve. Devotion for Day 26, “Confession and Forgiveness” 1. What godly desires have you turned into demands? 2. When these demands were not met, how did you punish those who didn’t fulfill your demands? 3. Identify the specific sins of fears, cravings, and misplaced trust that you acted upon. Write a prayer of confession. 4. Read 1 Peter 2:24. Write a prayer of thanksgiving for God’s forgiveness of your sins. Devotion for Day 27, “Clueless” 1. What has your opponent kept doing that keeps your attention off your own behaviors and attitudes? 2. In the conflict you are in, which of your behaviors and attitudes are difficult for you to identify as wrong? 3. Using “The Slippery Slope”, identify where you are on the Slope in this conflict. Where does God want you to be? What barriers need to be removed for you to be where God wants you to be? 4. Read Matthew 7:3-5. Write a prayer asking God to open your eyes to see your part in the conflict. Devotion for Day 28, “You Want Me To Do What?!” 1. What makes rejoicing easy for you to do? a. Is your rejoicing dependent upon circumstances?

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105 b. Your actions? c. Your outcomes? d. God’s Plan? 2. How can rejoicing in God’s forgiveness through Holy Baptism aid you in addressing your conflicts with your opponent? 3. How can rejoicing aid you in a more positive witness to your opponent? a. What action can you do differently? b. What words can you speak more positively? Devotion for Day 29, “Keeping Cross-Eyed” 1. What has your opponent done or said that keeps getting your attention? 2. How have those wrongs or hurts caused you to lose hope or become more discouraged? 3. How did Jesus overcome being discouraged and go to the cross for you? 4. How does the cross change your ability to forgive? 5. Pray these words of the hymn: “In the Cross of Christ I Glory” When the woes of life o’er-take me, Hopes deceive, and fears annoy, Never shall the cross forsake me; Lo, it glows with peace and joy. When the sun of bliss is beaming Light and love upon my way, From the cross the radiance streaming Adds more luster to the day.10 Amen. Devotion for Day 30, “I Can’t Forgive Myself!” 1. Read Isaiah 43:1. What comfort do you find in knowing that God not only created you, but He also redeemed you and called you by name? 2. What does it mean for you that God knows everything about you, and yet He continues to use you, bless you, and equip you for serving Him and His people? Remember what “grace” means in this acrostic: God’s Riches At Christ’s Expense a. What riches did God shower upon you because of the suffering, death, and resurrection of Jesus? b. What assurance do you receive from Romans 8:1? 3. Read the closing prayer from the devotion again. Devotion for Day 31, “Glorify God in Conflict” 1. How can you demonstrate your trust in God while you address your conflict with your opponent? 10 William J. Sparrow Simpson; public domain.

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106 2. What godly behaviors can you show towards your opponent while you discuss your disagreements together? (Imitate God) 3. One way to Glorify God is to show Him honor and respect. How can you in a similar manner show honor and respect to your opponent while you address your conflict between the two of you? 4. Read the prayer “For Glorifying God in My Conflict” in the section “Prayers for Reconciliation” in the back of the devotion booklet. Devotion for Day 32, “Beautiful Feet” 1. Whom do you know needs encouragement and hope that God’s peace is for them? 2. Identify the burden they appear to be carrying. 3. Think through how you might open up the conversation with them. o How would you approach them? o Where would you do this? o How would you ask them to be open to your help? 4. Write down words you can use to encourage them with the hope of the Gospel, reminding them of God’s love, provision, and forgiveness in Christ. Devotion for Day 33, “Whom Do I Fear Most?” 1. Regarding your conflict, which fears hold you captive? 2. In this conflict, what do you want to avoid at any cost? 3. Read Proverbs 10:27 and 14:27. o What are the promises offered in response to fear? o How will this change your response to fear? 4. Write a prayer of confession regarding your fear. Devotion for Day 34, “The Pause that Revives” 1. Pause a moment. What are your favorite times and places for getting recharged or reenergized? 2. When you receive the sacrament of Holy Communion, how do you experience the renewed strength and energy for living and serving? (Review Matthew 26:26-28.) 3. Identify your favorite Scripture passage. How does that passage provide you hope, strength, and renew your spirit for faithful living? 4. Read Mark 1:35; Matthew 14:22-23; and Luke 5:16. What encouragement do you find that Jesus took time to rest to accomplish our salvation? 5. Identify at least three times in the next 21 days that you will set aside time to rest, meditate on Scripture, and pray. Devotion for Day 35, “At Peace” 1. Identify what robs you from being at peace . . . a. With God?

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107 b. With yourself? c. With others? 2. What assurances does God promise you in each of the following verses: a. Isaiah 53:5 b. Romans 5:1 c. Romans 6:3-5 d. 1 John 3:1 3. How does peace with God affect your peace … a. With yourself, based on Philippians 4:7? b. With others, based on Colossians 3:15? 4. Read again 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24. What is God’s promise to you? Devotion for Day 36, “The Great Uncovering” 1. Identify three to five sins which have become your “pet sins.” These are the sins we know but don’t trouble us as they should. 2. What are some of your favorite ways to “cover up” your sins? 3. Read 1 John 1:7. What comfort do you receive in knowing that Christ hung naked on the cross for you? 4. How can you demonstrate this love and forgiveness of Jesus to the person with whom you are in conflict? Devotion for Day 37, “In a Most Peculiar Fashion” 1. Identify five things that lead you to praise God in worship. 2. Think of a recent conflict in which you have been involved. What in that conflict robs your worship of God? 3. How does worship help you see your opponent as redeemed by Christ? 4. How does worship aid you in confessing your sins to God and to your opponent? Devotion for Day 38, “Isn’t It About Me?” 1. Identify ways the person with whom you are in conflict with has hurt you, shamed you or caused you harm. 2. How have you responded to those hurts, shame and harm? 3. Notice how Christ responded to those who hurt, shamed and harmed Him in 1 Peter 2:21-24. What are some specific ways you can demonstrate care and compassion to the one who has hurt you? 4. Should the opportunity be provided that you could speak a word of forgiveness to the other party, what words would you speak? Write them out. Devotion for Day 39, “A Better Way” 1. What are the material issues you want addressed in this conflict? 2. Which results do you want achieved? 3. What kind of witness are you giving to others who know about the way you are addressing this conflict?

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108 4. Read Philippians 2:1-4. What are the interests of the other party and their desire for settlement? 5. What are you willing to concede in order to achieve settlement? 6. Ponder what our Lord gave up to achieve our salvation. What effect does that have upon this position you are taking? Devotion for Day 40, “Forgive, and Forgive, and Forgive…” 1. How does God look at you when He declares you forgiven? (See Romans 8:1.) What happens to your sins? 2. How often does God forgive you? 3. How often does God forgive the person with whom you are in conflict? 4. How can your forgiveness in Christ affect your attitude toward the other person? 5. How might you help the other party make changes in his/her life by your example of the fruit of repentance? 6. Reread the prayer at the end of the devotion. Devotion for Day 41, “The Best Moment in Life” 1. Which experience from your past keeps robbing you of Christ’s forgiveness? 2. What effect does that have upon you when you are in conflict with someone? 3. Read 1 John 1:7. What about the blood of Jesus are you unable to trust? 4. What comfort do you receive from this verse? Devotion for Day 42, “Forgiven to Forgive” 1. What hope do you possess in knowing your sins are forgiven you? 2. How does the forgiveness of sins change the way you look at an individual with whom you are in conflict? 3. Read Matthew 5:23-24. Who has the responsibility to take the first action towards confession and forgiveness? 4. What if the other person is not motivated to confess? Or forgive? o Read Romans 12:18. What does God call us to do? o Who is responsible for how another person responds to our confession or proclamation of forgiveness?

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109 Forgiven to Forgive Index of Devotions by 4-G’s (Listed by Day) The Four G’s of Peacemaking11 Glorify God Days 1, 4, 7, 8-11, 13, 14, 17-19, 22, 28, 29, 31-35, 37 Get the log out of your eye Days 5, 6, 15, 25-27 Gently Restore Days 12, 20, 21, 38 Go and Be Reconciled Days 3, 16, 23, 24, 30, 39, 40, 41 Forgiven to Forgive Topical Index of Devotions (Listed by Day) (Topical Index for A Reason for Hope included in booklet) Anger Days 12, 21, 23, 38, 40 Attitude towards Conflict; Others Days 1, 2-4, 6-8, 10, 12-24, 27-33, 35-38, 40 Confession Days 6, 15, 17, 25-27, 33, 36, 37, 42 Confronting Others Days 20-22, 40 Encouragement Days 7, 9-13, 16, 18-21, 24, 25, 28-30, 32, 34 Fear Days 8, 9, 11, 13, 19, 27, 33 Forgiveness Days 3, 7, 16, 17, 23, 25, 26, 29, 30, 36, 38, 40-42 Humility and Pride Days 6, 12, 14, 18, 19, 21, 22, 27, 38 Justice Days 12, 13, 15, 25, 37, 39 Keeping Your Word Days 5, 15 11 Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker, 3rd ed. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2004.

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111 Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation (Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2016 and 2017) These Bible studies are specifically designed to be used in coaching people through conflict. They can be used over several coaching sessions to guide a person through the two major sections, Be Reconciled to God and Be Reconciled to Others. Assign one lesson at a time (or for shorter assignments, assign one section within a lesson at a time). You might assign all the questions at the end of each lesson. Lesson 1: Remember Whose You Are This lesson can be used for: ▪ Helping someone remember his identity in Christ. ▪ Guiding someone to see the other party as someone for whom Christ has died. ▪ Remembering one’s value as a redeemed child of God. 1. Read through Lesson 1. Look up some of the Bible passages. 2. Write out your answers to the questions at the end of Lesson 1. Lesson 2: Repent Before God This lesson is useful for: ▪ Helping someone understand fuller meanings of the Ten Commandments. ▪ Helping a person begin to identify his underlying idols. ▪ Gaining insight to the sacrifices made to the idols of our hearts. 1. Read through Lesson 2, taking time to look up some of the Bible passages. 2. Write out your answers to the questions at the end of Lesson 2. Lesson 3: Receive God’s Forgiveness This lesson is effective for: ▪ Helping someone address denial of sin. ▪ Guiding someone to remember how forgiven he is through Christ. ▪ Preparing someone to forgive as he has been forgiven. 1. Read through Lesson 3, including looking up some of the Bible passages. 2. Write out your answers to the questions at the end of Lesson 3. For shorter and more focused assignments, assign shorter reading sections and specific questions that apply to the person’s situation.

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112 Lesson 4: Confess to the Other Person This lesson is useful for: ▪ Helping someone understand how his/her actions have affected others. ▪ Addressing one’s anger. ▪ Dealing with denial. ▪ Encouraging someone to take the first step. ▪ Preparing someone to confess to another person. 1. Read through Lesson 4, taking time to read some of the Bible verses listed. 2. Write out your answers to the questions at the end of Lesson 4. Lesson 5: Forgive as God Forgave You This lesson is effective for: ▪ Reviewing how God forgives us. ▪ Encouraging one to forgive as God has forgiven him. ▪ Recognizing how forgiveness does not necessarily remove earthly consequences. ▪ Understanding the purpose for consequences. ▪ Knowing when a person should forgive someone who has sinned against him. ▪ Understand the relationship between forgiveness and reconciliation. ▪ Guiding someone to negotiate material issues. 1. Read through Lesson 5, including looking up some of the Bible passages listed. 2. Write out your answers to the questions at the end of Lesson 5. Lesson 6: Restore with Gentleness Use this lesson for: ▪ Helping someone appreciate how sin affects relationships with God and others. ▪ Helping someone understand what it means to restore with gentleness. ▪ Guiding someone to understand his responsibility in bringing correction. ▪ How to apply peacemaking with unbelievers. ▪ How reconciliation is related to others within the body of Christ. 1. Read through Lesson 6. Look up some of the Bible passages. 2. Write out your answers to the questions at the end of Lesson 6. Narrow the Focus Use the headings in each Lesson to assign a shorter reading assignment. Ask them to look up every Bible passage listed. Limit the questions to the area you want him to focus on.

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114 The Peacemaker The Peacemaker by Ken Sande (Baker Books, 3rd ed., 2004) is specifically written to guide people through personal conflict. After each chapter, Ken provides a number of insightful and thought-provoking questions that help an individual examine himself and consider new ways to deal with a specific conflict. Follow the Four G’s: An easy way to consider what to assign from The Peacemaker is to remember that the book follows the Four G’s: ▪ Part 1: Glorify God (Chapters 1-3). ▪ Part 2: Get the Log Out of Your Eye (Chapters 4-6). ▪ Part 3: Gently Restore (Chapters 7-9). ▪ Part 4: Go and Be Reconciled (Chapters 10-12). Consider which of the Four G’s will be helpful for your party, then select one of the chapters from that section. The First G: Glorify God (Chapters 1-3) Responses to conflict To help a person identify what kinds of responses she has used and should use in this situation: ▪ Read Chapter 1. ▪ Referring to the Slippery Slope, ask the party to write down answers to: o What responses has the other party used? o What responses have you used in the conflict so far? o What do you think would be the most God-pleasing responses you could use now? Opportunities in this conflict To help a person identify the opportunities in this conflict: ▪ Read Chapter 1 and answer the following questions: o How can you glorify God? Trust him? Obey him? Imitate him? o How can you serve others? o How can you grow to be like Christ?

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115 Trust God To encourage someone to trust God: ▪ Read Chapter 3. ▪ What are some ways that you can respond to this conflict that will demonstrate your faith and trust in God? The Second G: Get the Log Out of Your Eye (Chapters 4-6) Reality check To assist a person with a reality check: Read Chapter 4 and answer: What effect is this dispute having or likely to have on: Is this a conflict you should overlook and not pursue? Why or why not? Review the answers of this assignment with the person to help her think through the realities of the situation. If the conflict cannot be overlooked with a forgiving attitude, you should probably encourage her to pursue the matter. However, you should be prepared to offer assistance with the next steps of the biblical peacemaking process. Getting to the heart and uncovering idols If a person needs help to identify heart idols and his contributions to the conflict: ▪ Read Chapter 5 (or a particular section from Chapter 5). ▪ Answer the questions (as specifically assigned by the conciliator) from the end of chapter 5. ▪ Read Chapter 6 (pp. 119-126). ▪ Answer questions 1-6 at the end of Chapter 6 (as specifically assigned by the conciliator). Guiding a person to confess If a person needs help to confess her wrongs to another person: ▪ Read Chapter 6. ▪ Answer question 7 from the end of the chapter (using the Seven A’s of Confession to write out your confession).  Your witness for Christ?  Your personal attitude?  Your family life?  Your occupation?  Your finances or property?  Your friendships?  Your relationship to God?  Your service to your church & community?

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116 The Third G: Gently Restore (Chapters 7-9) Determining whether it is appropriate to confront To help a person determine whether he/she should confront someone else or if it is the right time to confront the other person: ▪ Read Chapter 7. ▪ Answer the questions from the back of the chapter, especially question 4. Prepare someone to confront To help a person prepare to confront someone else about his/her sins: ▪ Read Chapter 8. ▪ Assign questions from the end of the chapter that will help this person the most. You may want to meet again with this person and role-play the confrontation to help the person prepare. You may also want to help the person anticipate the potential responses from the other person, and coach the first party on how to plan for each potential response. Determine whether others should be involved To help a person consider involving others in resolving the conflict: ▪ Read Chapter 9. ▪ Answer questions 1-5 at the end of Chapter 9. ▪ Remember that our role in reconciliation is limited to our personal responsibility. We cannot control God or the motives or actions of others (2 Timothy 2:24-26). The Fourth G: Go and Be Reconciled (Chapters 10-12) Preparing a party for negotiation To help a person prepare to negotiate the substantive issues: ▪ Review the PAUSE principle. ▪ Read Chapter 11. ▪ Write down the five PAUSE principle steps on a piece of paper, and write out how you plan to apply each one in your negotiation. Equipping and encouraging someone deal with an unreasonable person To encourage a person who is dealing with an unreasonable person: ▪ Read Chapter 12. ▪ Answer the questions at the end of Chapter 12.

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117 9. Seeking Additional Expertise Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love. 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 When to seek help or refer Note that special circumstances require expertise and experience in guiding individuals, congregations, and other organizations through conflict. Be aware of your own limitations. When something arises in your coaching that is beyond your experience or training, you may use a team member to assist you or you may refer to someone else who has specialized training and experience. Seek professional help when dealing with the following if you do not have training and experience in these areas: ▪ Sexual misconduct of any leader in an organization. ▪ Physical abuse of children. ▪ Inappropriate touch of children. ▪ Domestic violence. ▪ Allegations of criminal misconduct ▪ Sinful use of equipment (computers, internet, cell phones) that could lead to someone losing a position. ▪ Accusations that could lead to removal of church worker from serving in the church body. ▪ Criminal acts by a leader. Recognize when the situation involves group conflict. In such situations, there may need to be a process to deal with group dynamics. Part of your coaching may be to encourage the person to seek help for organizational conflict. Cases where this may apply include: ▪ Church conflict. ▪ Conflict among school faculty or staff. ▪ Conflict among multiple employees. ▪ Conflict within a board of directors or other leadership board. ▪ Conflict between a key employee and a governing board. “Appropriate and necessary infor-mation may be divulged under the following circum-stances, for which the parties will hold panel members harmless, as when: (1) as part of normal office operations, the Synod and its representatives consult with staff members or outside experts regarding particular issues or problems related to a matter.” SOPM, IV. General Regulations, T. Confidentiality (c).

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120 1. The Role of the Mediator [Jesus said,] “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.” Matthew 18:15-16 The four roles of a reconciler Those who assist others in reconciling can serve four different roles: Any reconciler LCMS reconciler and/or facilitators ▪ Teach biblical peacemaking Usually done individually or in small groups ▪ Coach one party at a time Informal efforts, formal reconciliation meeting ▪ Mediate two or more parties Informal and formal reconciliation meetings Together ▪ Adjudicate a decision after Dispute Resolution, Appeal, and Review hearing both parties at the Panels same meeting Hearing & Final Hearing Panels (expulsion) Review Committee (seminaries & institutions) Panel (for issue between CCM and Board of Directors) The reconciler as a mediator ▪ Working with both sides in a dispute to improve communication and understanding so that the parties can arrive at a voluntary agreement. The goal of the mediator Applying God’s Word, the mediator guides the parties to embrace Christ-centered perspectives so that they may experience how to: ▪ Be reconciled to God: o Remember whose we are o Repent before God o Receive God’s forgiveness ▪ Be reconciled to each other:

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121 o To confess to the other person o To forgive as God forgave him/her o To restore with gentleness The importance of building trust Throughout the conciliation process, it is important that as the mediator you earn sufficient trust with the parties you are assisting. As trust builds, you will have implied permission to address the individual’s underlying heart issues. You’ll earn this permission when the person is assured of four things: • You will not condemn him. • You will keep confidential what is shared. • You care about him. • You can provide practical help. Developing trust is not an event but a continuous process. Once you have had trust and lose it, it will be more difficult to gain that person’s confidence back. Properly earned, this trust will provide you with the opportunities to encourage, confront, exhort, and guide the person with biblical counsel. Trust is constantly earned or used up throughout the coaching process. ▪ Trust is earned in the way you demonstrate love, care, and respect for that person. ▪ Trust is also earned in the careful way you ask questions. ▪ Trust is properly used up when you confront sin or pose difficult questions. ▪ Trust may be improperly lost. For example, before you have earned sufficient trust, asking the right question in the wrong way or too early may reduce, or even end, your effectiveness with that person. You can also lose trust when you do not act with impartiality, betray confidences, or fail to live out what you are teaching. Ultimately, your goal is to teach the person to place more trust in God than in anyone or anything else, including you as reconciler, the other person, or the eventual outcome. Mediation in the LCMS Dispute Resolution Mediation is used in the following processes: ▪ Informal reconciliation efforts (may be appointed by district or synodical secretary, or may be informally asked by District President, one or more parties, or others). ▪ Formal reconciliation efforts (formal reconciliation meetings). Bylaw 1.10.5 Bylaw 1.10.6

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122 Mediation is NOT used in the following panels and committees: ▪ Dispute resolution panels ▪ Appeal panels ▪ Review panels and committees ▪ Hearing panels and final hearing panels ▪ Panels (for issue between CCM and Board of Directors) Distinctions of mediation ▪ Different than coaching: o The reconcilers work with both parties. o Mediators receive more complete information and can offer more confident advice. ▪ Different than adjudication: o Adjudicators (or arbitrators) have the authority to make final decision, mediators do not (the parties have the authority in mediation). o Mediation is more informal (conversational). o Mediators may meet privately with individual parties in coaching or caucusing. ▪ Christian mediation is similar to secular mediation: o Similar format. o Mediators are generally motivated by a sincere desire to help people. o Seeks to help parties reach a voluntary and mutually satisfactory agreement. o Seeks to protect parties’ relationship from further damage. ▪ Christian mediation is different from secular mediation: o Mediator and parties agree that Scripture plays an authoritative role. ▪ They trust in the power of the Holy Spirit to change people’s hearts ▪ Christian reconcilers must be able to recognize when and how to apply Scripture throughout the process ▪ The reconciler helps parties understand their root sin issues and matters of the heart. o A priority: Reconciliation of the relationship through confession and forgiveness ▪ Mediator may need to confront sin to encourage repentance ▪ Reconciliation requires confession and forgiveness between the parties Bylaws 1.10.7. 1.10.8, 2.14-2.17, 3.9.2.2 A clear distinction: The Holy Scriptures shall be the supreme authority governing every aspect of the process. ICC Rule 4

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123 o Healing occurs as Christ’s forgiveness is proclaimed to the one who confesses o An important issue includes how each party’s witness affects others o Because of the above differences, often takes more time o Focus: requires parties to confess their own wrongs before focusing on others’ wrongs. o Confrontation: may require reconciler to use directive coaching to motivate personal change. o Absolution: assures parties of their forgiveness from God through Jesus Christ. o Restoration: promotes reconciliation through confession and forgiveness. Primary ethical dangers • The mediator presumes certain ideas about the parties or their attitudes and behaviors. • Because parties trust the mediator, he/she must avoid abusing trust, influence, or authority. • Breach of confidentiality. Because reconcilers are sinful people, they can violate these ethical principles. What can they do when this happens? • Confess and seek to restore trust. • If unable to regain trust, help the parties find a new reconciler. Standard of Conduct for Christian Conciliators Those who register as a Christian Reconciler™ or achieve the professional designation as a Certified Christian Conciliator™ commit to following the Standard of Conduct for Christian Conciliators.12 This standard of conduct was established to promote accountability for ethical and biblical service in reconciliation ministry. A written standard of conduct is essential for any individual, ministry, or other organization who provides conciliation services. We strongly encourage everyone assisting others in reconciliation to commit to this standard of conduct. 12 See Guidelines for Christian Conciliation, Institute for Christian Conciliation, 2023. A written standard of conduct is essential for any individual, ministry, or other organization who provides conciliation services.

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125 2. Pre-Mediation And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all (1 Thessalonians 5:14). Inquiries Inquiries for mediation may come from different sources: • A party • An attorney, counselor, or other professional working with a party • A church leader • A recommendation from a conflict coach, including yourself Often, one side of a conflict is seeking mediation assistance and the other party is either unaware of mediation or resistant to the idea. Help parties overcome reluctance One or more of the parties may be reluctant to mediate. They may be hurting, angry, confused, or fearful. Some may have no desire to reconcile. Pre-mediation coaching often is necessary to bring people to the table. • Use your coaching skills to guide people to mediate. • Listen compassionately to their stories to gain trust. • Discuss various options for responding to the conflict. Guide them to understand the potential benefits and weigh the costs of not reconciling. • Encourage with Scripture. • Provide realistic hope. You can’t guarantee the results, but you can assure them of God’s promises. • Pray with them. Usually, it is best if the initiating party asks the other party to mediate. However, when relationships are severely damaged, the reconciler may need to contact the other party. If you agree to contact a party, use wisdom in your approach, and intentionally act with impartiality, patience, and kindness. In any case, use care not to triangulate yourself into the conflict. Before you agree to mediate, help the parties determine if mediation is biblically appropriate at this time. The initiating party (or both parties) may need to be coached on their responsibilities to meet together without a third party (Matthew 18:15). They may need help preparing for such a face-to-face meeting and overcoming reluctance. If they have exhausted their options for meeting without outside assistance, or if meeting on their own is not possible, mediation may be their next best step. Before you agree to mediate, help the parties determine if mediation is biblically appropriate at this time.

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126 Rules of Procedure Imagine trying to play a game of cricket without knowing the rules. Perhaps you might approach the game thinking it’s very similar to baseball. But as the game begins, you realize your assumptions were wrong and you will be unable to play. What if you started selling marketable securities without knowing about the market or regulatory laws? What would happen if you built houses without knowledge about building codes? The results could be unethical, illegal, and dangerous! Except in simple cases with minor issues, Christ-centered reconcilers who desire to serve people well perform their work according to a written set of procedural rules. It is patently unfair (and unethical) to expect parties to participate in a mediation where they don’t know the rules. Mediation is serious work. Mediating without rules can result in grave consequences, including legal liability. Everyone involved in the mediation (reconciler, parties, advisors) enter the process with their own expectations, past experiences, and education. Many parties have no experience with mediation, but they still have expectations. It is foolish to bring people together to mediate significant issues without agreeing to a written set of procedures. The American Arbitration Association (AAA) has developed and refined court-tested rules for mediation and arbitration. Some organizations with well-defined dispute resolution systems develop their own procedural rules (such as denominational bylaws or business policies). However, as noted in the prior section, Christian mediation is distinct from secular systems in several ways. Over several years, the Institute for Christian Conciliation has developed and refined Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation, which have been tested in court. These rules define boundaries and identify rights of all participants in mediation. Early in the mediation process, the Christian reconciler should provide a copy of the applicable rules of procedure and highlight certain provisions. Before working with parties, the mediator asks parties to sign forms that reference and incorporate the rules of procedure for everyone’s information and legal protection. Explain the reconciliation process Most people do not understand what Christian reconciliation entails. Take time to briefly explain the overall process, and answer any questions they have. For reconciliation ministries in your congregation: Describe the basic process and answer initial questions. You may want to provide the party with a copy of the ICC Guidelines for Christian Conciliation (available at https://www.aorhope.org/rules). Direct their attention to the Frequently Asked It’s patently unfair (and unethical) to expect parties to participate in a mediation where they don’t know the rules.

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127 Questions and Rules of Procedure sections. You may also want to discuss the principles upon which Christian conciliation is based (see Frequently Asked Questions in Guidelines for Christian Conciliation). For LCMS informal mediation or formal reconciliation meetings: Describe the basic process of the Dispute Resolution System, and direct the parties to the LCMS Handbook and Standard Operating Procedures Manual (SOPM). You should have copies available to send parties when necessary. In both cases: Realize that parties upset by conflict may not carefully read everything they need to do. Describe the basic processes they need to understand and help them find the answers to the questions they have in the documents you provide. If you are asked to conduct a mediation in your congregation or other non-synodical situation, we encourage you to do so in a manner consistent with the ICC Guidelines. This will help both you and the parties to be clear about many important details. It will also afford each person involved certain protections (such as confidentiality). If you are asked to informally assist with a synodical dispute or are appointed to serve as a reconciler in a formal reconciliation meeting, you must follow the Handbook and SOPM carefully. Be sure to review all the appropriate bylaws and rules when you are preparing to serve on a case. Provide information to the parties As you work with parties, they need information before they commit to mediation. Most people do not understand Christian conciliation. Take time to explain the overall process and answer any questions they have. • Provide frequently asked questions (e.g., the ICC publication Guidelines for Christian Conciliation). o Remember that people don’t read everything given to them. o Cover fundamental areas. • Give them a copy of the applicable rules (e.g., ICC Rules of Procedure) o Review key rules with them. ▪ Application of Scripture (ICC Rule 4) ▪ Confidentiality and its limits (ICC Rules 16 and 17) o It’s unfair to lead people in a process where they don’t know the rules. • Describe the process. o Provide a handout that describes the mediation agenda and ground rules. • If a party or attorney is familiar with secular mediation, point out distinctions of Christian mediation.

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128 o Help establish realistic expectations and understandings. o Explain how Scripture will be applied. o Describe why Christian mediation takes more time (focus on heart issues, confession, and forgiveness) • Offer to speak with their attorney or other advisors. Utilize mediation forms Using appropriate forms13 informs parties and helps them prepare for mediation. Prepared forms can avoid miscommunication and unmet expectations. For example: • Individual party form—the party provides basic information on himself, his advisor, his church background, and brief description of the issues and remedies he is seeking. • Mediation agreement—a short agreement that lays out the understanding for the agreement; the agreement should incorporate the applicable rules of procedure, and it may include the appointment of a specific mediator. • Mediation/Adjudication Agreement (or Mediation/Arbitration Agreement)—This is an agreement to adjudicate with a mediation at the beginning. Learn more in the AoR Practicum, Adjudication Training: Foundations of Christian Adjudication. • Preliminary Statement of Issues and Remedies—This may be included in the individual party form or mediation agreement. • Summary of Mediation Process and Ground Rules—Simple handout that describes the agenda and ground rules. If fees and costs will apply, additional forms are necessary, such as: • Fees and Costs for Christian Conciliation—General description of fees and costs that parties can expect if they agree to mediation. • Acceptance of Mediator and Compensation Agreement—Approves the mediator and compensation arrangements, including any required deposits. Ascertain proper authority of organizational parties If working with an organization (such as a congregation, a school, a business, etc.), make certain that the party representing the organization has full authority to commit to a settlement agreement. Request copies of the organization’s bylaws, operating policies, or minutes of meetings where authority has been delegated. 13 See Appendix A in this manual for a few Mediation Model Case Forms. Access additional model case forms from the Reconciler Menu at www.aorhope.org. Prepared forms can avoid miscommunication and unmet expectations. Mediation agreement should incorporate the applicable rules of procedure.

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129 • For congregations and schools: Request copy of constitution and bylaws and minutes from governing body appointing a representative with the authority needed to commit to an agreement. • For districts or denominational offices: Ascertain through documentation that the party present has authority to commit to an agreement. • For insurance companies: Be certain that the representative can commit to an agreement. Have the insurance company agent sign the mediation agreement in advance, with written verification of their appointment. • For other organizations: Request copies of the organization’s governing documents and minutes to determine that the person representing the organization has authority to make a commitment on its behalf. This is an important step. All the hard work of a mediation may be for nothing if you have the wrong parties at the table. Pre-Mediation coaching For Christian mediation, most of pre-mediation preparation involves coaching. The mediator meets with each party separately, often in multiple sessions, to prepare them spiritually for coming together. Conflict coaching includes: • Assist each party to check mindset. • Guide each one to be reconciled to God. • Prepare the parties to be reconciled to each other. Note the differences between coaching an individual and parties for mediation: • Pre-mediation coaching prepares both parties. • Your coaching may need to include their advisors. • You are preparing parties to meet face-to-face with the reconciler facilitating. “If a party to a dispute is a member congregation of the Synod, the congregation shall be represented by its chairman or a designated member. If a party is a board or commission of the Synod or its districts, or of an auxiliary or recognized service organization, the board or commission shall be represented by its chairman or a designated member.” SOPM Bylaw Section 1.10, IV. General Regulations D. Parties Representation

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130 If there is an indication that a party may not be Christian, make certain they are comfortable with a process that incorporates the Bible. And, share the Gospel with them. (Don’t be surprised if you work with a member of a church who acts more like a non-believer!) Even if they are mature Christians, take the opportunity to remind them of the lavishness of God’s grace and the forgiveness that is theirs in Jesus Christ. Remind them of their adoption as children of God. Don’t minimize the importance of pre-mediation coaching! The more pre-mediation coaching you provide, the more likely your mediation will result in godly resolution and reconciliation. Coaching homework is especially important. For more information on coaching, refer to the course on conflict coaching. Avoid or minimize unfair power imbalances A power imbalance is any situation where one party holds (or is perceived to hold) more power over another. In most relationships, one side may have more influence than the other. In some cases, both parties feel intimidated by each other. An unfair power imbalance occurs when one party is intimidated by the other so much that it negatively impacts his or her ability to function openly and honestly in the mediation. This can result in a party accepting an unfair settlement. It may even cause that party to leave the mediation. Consider the following: • If one party has positional authority over the other, discuss the implications with both parties and negotiate expectations in advance of the mediation. • If one is verbose and the other is timid, suggest an advisor for the timid party. • If one side has multiple people and the other is an individual, encourage the sole party to have one or more advisors. • Find a neutral location. Avoid using one party’s “home turf” advantage. Help the parties organize for the mediation Parties need guidance in organizing their thoughts for mediation. Part of the job of a mediator is to facilitate discussion that will improve mutual understanding. Because misunderstanding is often a significant factor in disagreements, parties need assistance in communicating their stories and their concerns. • When obvious that they need it, encourage them to seek professional advice, such as an attorney, counselor, or accountant. • Request them to complete client information forms. This will help organize their thoughts. • Encourage them to think through the issues they want resolved. • It is often helpful for parties to tell their stories chronologically. Encourage them to prepare notes for story telling, including time charts, documents, etc. Don’t minimize the importance of coaching! The more pre-mediation coaching you provide, the more likely your mediation will result in godly resolution and reconciliation.

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131 • Instruct them to prepare an opening statement. o In one or two sentences, answer the question, “What are my hopes and expectations for this mediation?” • Explain the purpose and rules regarding advisors. Ask if they would like to have an advisor: o Spouse or close friend o Spiritual advisor o Professional (attorney, counselor, accountant, etc.) • Describe the purpose and rules of using witnesses. Ask them if they plan to use witnesses. • Consider how the parties’ churches might be involved. For example: o Could church leaders serve as co-mediators? o Should the parties ask church leaders to serve as advisors? o Do church leaders need to be informed about the conflict and reconciliation process? • Help parties determine who else should be involved as parties: o Insurance carrier o Business partner, family member, others directly impacted o Organizational authorities such as board officers or members • Determine schedule and notify parties. Always give hope In all your contacts with parties and their advisors, be sure to hold out hope. This includes your correspondence. Do not let the complex administrative details associated with mediation overshadow the ministry of the Gospel. Your primary service to all the people involved will be to remind them of God’s love, grace, and mercy and to encourage them to put their faith and trust in Jesus. Prepare yourself as mediator Prepare to serve as a reconciler in a mediation: • What are your roles with regard to the parties (synodical reconciler, church reconciler, paid professional reconciler, pastor, elder, friend, attorney, counselor)? o Do I have conflicts of interest that could interfere with serving both parties? • Do I as the reconciler need any assistance? o Are there any special situations that require additional help (such as sexual misconduct, criminal charges, congregational conflict, or other complex or unusual situations)? o Should I ask another reconciler to assist me? Remind them of God’s love, grace, and mercy, and encourage them to put their faith and trust in Jesus.

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132 o Should I seek consultation with Ambassadors of Reconciliation? • Does your schedule allow for the time needed? o Avoid situations where you begin a mediation too soon after another intense activity. o Avoid situations immediately following mediation where you need to engage in an intense activity or where you may need to cut the time short for another commitment. • Review any pre-mediation information you receive and prepare your thoughts on drafting issues, applicable Bible passages, and relevant rules (agreements, bylaws, civil law, etc.). o What heart issues are involved and what Scriptures are applicable to those issues? o What are the parties’ options for both reconciliation and conflict resolution? o What questions should you ask to guide the parties to reconcile? o What options might you suggest for resolving substantive issues? • Plan time for your own spiritual preparation: prayer, study, and reflection. • For a non-synodical dispute: Will the mediation be held pursuant to the ICC Rules of Procedure? If so, what forms need to be completed? • For a synodical dispute: What processes need to be followed and what forms need to be completed? • Do I as the reconciler need any assistance? Are there any special situations that require additional help (such as sexual misconduct, criminal charges, congregational conflict, or other complex or unusual situations)? Should I ask another reconciler to assist me? Should I seek consultation with Ambassadors of Reconciliation? Should I seek assistance in theological matters from the CTCR? Prepare the site and resources Once the pre-mediation coaching is concluded and the required forms are completed, prepare the site. • Establish a neutral and private location for the mediation. Make sure that it is accessible to all parties (disabled, elderly, other special considerations). • Arrange the mediation spaces (main room plus rooms for private meetings). When possible, utilize a round table. The chairs should be placed at equal distance so that everyone can easily see one another. At first, the mediator encourages the parties to speak towards him. During breaks as the mediation continues, the mediator may move parties’ chairs so that they are directly across from each other, encouraging them to speak to each other with direct eye contact. Bylaws 1.10 and 2.14, 15, & 17 provide that reconcilers can seek assistance on theological matters from the CTCR.

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133 Beginning of mediation… After some breaks… On the table, provide: • Tissues • Notepads and pens at each place • Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness pamphlets • Bibles (in case the parties forget to bring their own) Assemble your resources: • Mediation checklist • Bible and Scripture reference resources • Appropriate guidelines and rules: o For non-synodical disputes: ICC Guidelines for Christian Conciliation o For synodical disputes: LCMS Handbook, Standard Operating Procedures Manual (SOPM) • Resources from pre-mediation coaching and homework and for mediation o Devotion booklets o Bible study materials o Hymnals or catechisms o Coaching bookmarks • Case file (agreements, statement of issues, client information) Make final preparations: • General environment is private, clean, uncluttered, comfortable temperature, well-lit • Easy access for elderly or disabled (remember witnesses and advisors) Party A Party B Mediator Party B Party A Mediator

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135 3. The Mediation Process But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses (Matthew 18:16). The checklist Although a commercial airline pilot has years of experience, he still uses a checklist before take-off. No matter how experienced you are as a mediator, the Mediator’s Checklist will serve you well. With the checklist in front of you, you can focus more on the parties. Moreover, the parties will be assured that they are in the hands of a professional. The Mediator’s Checklist includes the agenda, ground rules, other instructions, transition statements for each part of the agenda, and reminders for setting up the mediation room. The agenda Mediate using GOSPEL as your agenda: Greeting and ground rules Opening statements Story telling Problem identification and clarification Explore solutions Lead to agreement

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136 The mediation process utilizes six basic components in its agenda. The first two parts, greetings and ground rules and opening statements, are fairly straight forward. The third component, story telling, may take more time than other sections. It begins after the opening statements, but portions of the story telling may be interrupted by private meetings, problem identification and clarification, exploring solutions, or agreements. The last three components—problem identification and clarification, explore solutions, and lead to agreement—may come at several places throughout the process and may need to be repeated several times for different issues. The best interruption of all is opportunity for confession and forgiveness. When these times for reconciliation take place, everything else is put on hold. After all, this is one of the most important resolutions that the parties need. Whenever appropriate changes in the agenda take place, allow them to happen naturally unless you have good reason not to. The agenda is not rigid, but rather provides a guideline for keeping the process moving. Always take time necessary for confession & forgiveness.

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137 4. Greetings and Ground Rules In this introductory section, you will establish a collaborative environment and set a non-adversarial tone for the mediation. Early in your introductory comments, remind the parties of whose they are (children of God—1 John 3:1) and God’s promise to always be with them (Hebrews 13:5). During the opening, the mediator does most of the speaking. After that, you will guide the parties to do most of the talking. Briefly review the GOSPEL agenda and confirm schedule details—ending time, meal breaks, and times for additional days if needed. Explain the use of private meetings. Clarify the role of the reconcilers, parties, advisors, and witnesses. Keep the opening as short as possible. The longer you take, the more uncomfortable your parties will become. If you cover these basics in pre-mediation coaching, you’ll find it easier to cover greetings and grounds rules in a reasonable time. Mediation agenda (“GOSPEL”) The mediation outline is not a purely linear process (at times you may move up and down the process), but it is helpful for providing parties with an overview of the mediation. Include a box to remind you to explain “private meetings.” Agenda Greetings & introductions Opening statements Story telling Problem identification & clarification Explore solutions Lead to agreement Private Meetings The agenda, ground rules, and other instructions are all listed on the Mediator’s Checklist. Provide the agenda on a handout or write out on a flip chart in advance.

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138 Ground rules for mediation It is important to establish ground rules for a mediation and to get the parties’ agreement to these rules. Two essential components for establishing effective ground rules: • They need to be written for everyone to see (use a handout or flip chart). • The parties must agree to them. Consider the following suggested ground rules: • Respectful communication: no name-calling (Ephesians 4:29) • Honesty: full and open disclosure is expected (Matthew 5:37; Ephesians. 4:25) • No interrupting (take notes) [Explain the exception that reconcilers may interrupt to enforce ground rules, for clarification, because of time constraints]. • In Private meetings, focus on the people present; accusations about others outside the meeting room will be brought back to the mediation table • No assuming motives (only God knows the heart of another—Jeremiah 17:9-10; 1 Samuel 16:7b) • Anyone may request a break at any time After you review the ground rules with parties, ask if there are any other ground rules to establish, and then get agreement from each party. Once agreement on the ground rules is reached, commend the parties on their second agreement so early in the process (their first agreement was to mediate). Writing out the agenda and ground rules on a flip chart keeps them visible to everyone throughout the process, and it is easy for the mediator to reference. Ground Rules 1. Respectful communication 2. Honest & open 3. No interrupting (except for mediator) 4. Private Meetings — focus on those present in the room 5. No assuming motives 6. Breaks anytime 7. ?

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139 Other important items to mention As you open the mediation, include additional instructions: • The reconcilers are not acting as legal advisors (even if one or more is an attorney). • If the parties selected their pastor or other spiritual advisor as a reconciler, that person is not there as an advocate, but as a mediator. • Parties are requested to focus on their own responsibilities. • Confidentiality: No one will discuss this mediation with outsiders unless they have a legitimate need to know (i.e., church leaders). If parties have questions on exceptions, refer them to the rules of procedure. • This mediation is considered settlement negotiations and may not be used for discovery purposes.14 • Parties will make the final decision. • Parties are responsible for filing any required legal documents. • If you are serving as a synodical reconciler, indicate that you will be preparing the required report after the mediation as required by the LCMS Handbook and the Standard Operations Procedure Manual. • If a party is there in a representative capacity (e.g., mediating on behalf of a business, corporation, partnership, church, insurance company, etc.), confirm that they have the authority to speak for the organization and enter into an agreement. (This really needs to happen prior to the mediation, but it is good to confirm this in the presence of other parties, so that others know that everyone at the table is properly authorized to act.) Once you have completed the administrative tasks associated with the opening (including answering any questions), you should open with a brief devotional. This should always include prayer and Scripture. But keep it brief—do not preach! See the following pages for a sample greetings and ground rules by a reconciler. 14 “Settlement negotiations” means that what is said in mediation is to remain confidential and is inadmissible in court proceedings unless it can be discovered outside mediation. This protection encourages honest confession and forgiveness since such statements cannot be used against parties should the matter end up in court. Parties are also more inclined to make negotiation offers knowing that such offers will not be used against them in a court proceeding. “Settlement Negotiations” provides legal protections that encourage a collaborative discussion, including confession and forgiveness.

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140 Sample Reconciler Greetings and Ground Rules for a Formal Reconciliation Meeting [It is preferable that you do not read this particular sample in your mediation, but rather use it as an example to formulate your own opening. Personalize for your style, but include the key components as outlines above.] I appreciate your coming here today to this mediation. I commend you for your willingness to participate in this process. You are here as Christian brothers and sisters to resolve your differences in a way that honors God, promotes justice and genuine reconciliation, and benefits everyone involved. I remind you of what the Apostle John wrote about our identify: “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are” (1 John 3:1). Our Lord Jesus promises to be with us always, and He is present with us today. Before we get started, I would like us get to know one another a little better. Let’s take a minute to introduce ourselves. We’ll go around the table, starting with _________. Please give your name, explain what your work vocation is, and tell us briefly why you chose to be a part of this meeting. [Pause for parties to respond. Reconciler also introduces self.] [After introductions are complete, continue:] I would like to describe what you can expect in today’s meeting. [Refer to GOSPEL agenda written on a flip chart or handout.] As you can see, we have already made our introductions, and now we are reviewing the process on our agenda. Next we will establish some basic ground rules, and have a brief devotion. After that, I will ask each of you to give a brief opening statement, and we will review the issues to be addressed [if they have been clarified at this point]. Then, we will move into the story-telling phase, where each of you will have an opportunity to explain your perspective on this situation. As you do, I encourage you to focus first on your personal responsibilities for the problem as well as possible solutions. As your stories unfold, we will identify potential issues and begin to clarify them. Then we will move into the problem-solving stage and work together to find a mutually agreeable solution to your differences. Throughout the process, you may request a private meeting with the reconciler. A private meeting may be needed if you feel upset, need to express a strong concern, or want to bounce an idea around. Each person will be given an equal time for a private meeting with me. Feel free to ask for a private meeting any time you feel the need. As your reconciler, I [we] may also request time for private meetings. In these sessions, we may talk about where you are in the process, how you are feeling, answer any questions you have, or help prepare you for the next step. In some cases, I [we] may also encourage you to consider taking a particular action, or I may ask you to re-examine your words or behavior in the light of Scripture. Giving the parties an opportunity to speak early in the process is important. It also helps them view one another as people, not just opponents. Agenda Greetings & ground rules Open statements Story telling Problem identification & clarification Explore solutions Lead to agreement

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141 As we continue with our problem-solving efforts, we will explore solutions through brainstorming and evaluate various options together. We will do our best to address both substantive issues and personal issues [briefly describe or provide examples]. By God’s grace, we will then try to arrive at some agreements on the matters you have brought before us, which we will document in a written memorandum. If we do not get all these things accomplished today, we will schedule another time to continue. It is my understanding that everyone can meet today until ________. Is that correct? [Pause to get agreement from each party.] If we do not get all these things accomplished today, we will continue as scheduled tomorrow at ____________. My [our] role as your reconciler[s] in this case is to help you reach an agreement. I [we] will not make the decisions for you. I [we] may offer instruction, ask questions, and make suggestions, but the final responsibility for resolving this dispute belongs to you as parties. Each of you will also decide whether you will confess any wrongs and forgive any offenses. Although my job is to serve as an impartial facilitator, I am also here to serve you by pointing you to Christ. I will remind you of what God through Christ has done for you, and I will encourage you to respond to His love for you. [If you are an attorney, explain that as a reconciler you are not acting as a legal or technical advisor for either party. If you are a District President, Circuit Counselor, or pastor of a party, indicate that you are not there as an advocate, but as a reconciler and spiritual advisor.] Upon the conclusion of our Formal Reconciliation Meeting, I [we] will prepare a written report, as required in the LCMS Handbook. The report will contain the following: (1) the actions of the reconciler; (2) the issues that were resolved; (3) the issues that remain unresolved; (4) a statement whether reconciliation was achieved; (5) the statement of the complainant as to informal reconciliation efforts; (6) the statement of the matter in dispute; and (7) any reply by the respondent. All communication that takes place during the reconciliation process shall be considered strictly confidential, including all oral and written communications of the parties to the dispute. The report, therefore, shall not contain any such information nor shall it contain any opinion of the reconciler regarding the dispute. The report and the attachments will be sent to each of you as parties and the secretary of the Synod [or district, as appropriate]. Do you have any questions about today’s agenda or the general process we are going to follow? [Pause to answer questions – then continue.] Although you should have gained prior agreement on the schedule, it is important to confirm your ending time.

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142 I would like to establish a few ground rules to guide us in our working together today. First, I ask that we talk in a respectful manner. As Paul urges us in Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Second, I expect everyone to be honest and to give full and complete information on the issues we are discussing. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:37, “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.” It is also important that you speak as specifically as possible and avoid using broad generalizations. Third, I ask that you not interrupt one another. If you hear something you disagree with, instead of interrupting, please write your concerns on the note pad in front of you so you can bring the matter up when it is your turn to speak. As the reconciler, I may interrupt someone to enforce ground rules, to clarify something, or because of time constraints. Fourth, I want to explain an important rule for private meetings. During a private meeting, the other party will be out of the room and unable to respond to what might be said against him. Therefore, when we meet outside of mediation, we will try to focus our discussion on the people who are present in the room. If you make any charges against the other person, I will expect you to repeat your statement when we come back together so that the other person can respond to it. Fifth, no assuming motives. Remember that only God can see into another person’s heart. If you want to know about another person’s motives, ask. But do not assume. Sixth, remember that this process is considered to be “settlement negotiations,” which means that nothing we say to one another can be used in later legal proceedings. This also means that what we say should be kept confidential except as noted in the Standard Operating Procedures Manual. In addition, I remind you that you cannot ask me [any of the reconcilers] to testify in regard to this dispute in any judicial or adversarial proceeding. Finally, anyone can request a break at any time. However, please refrain from disruptive departures, which are another form of interrupting. If you need a break, just ask me if we can adjourn for a little while. The restrooms are located _____, and there is a phone available _______. Would either of you like to suggest additional ground rules? [Pause and respond if necessary.] Do you both agree to follow these ground rules? [Look at each party until you have acknowledgment.] Ground Rules 1. Respectful communication 2. Honest & open 3. No interruptions (except reconciler) 4. Private meetings – focus on those present in the room 5. No assuming motives 6. Confidentiality 7. Ask for break anytime 8. ?? This is a key step! Do NOT skip it!

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144 5. Opening Statements of the Parties Opening statements give the parties an opportunity to explain what they believe needs to be accomplished in order to resolve their differences. It also allows the conciliators to assess the attitudes and feelings of the parties. Opening statements should be brief (no more than two or three minutes). Ask the parties to simply state, in two or three sentences, their hopes and expectations for the day: ▪ “We have now finished the first part of our process, Greetings and ground rules. Next, I would like to have you each state in one or two sentences what your hopes and expectations are for today. We will begin with __________.” ▪ It is best for the reconciler to choose one party to go first rather than ask them which one to go first. Generally, it is best to ask the party who will be second in story telling to go first on opening statements. Decide in advance of the mediation who should go first in story telling. ▪ If a party begins to tell his story and takes more time than allotted, gently stop him and remind him that he will have plenty of time to tell his story. Redirect for one or two sentences in answering your question. As you listen and take notes, you should note whether the parties are focused on their own responsibilities or the other party’s actions. Also pay attention to whether they are primarily concerned with substantive issues or personal issues. It is generally best for the reconciler not to ask questions or encourage opening statements to go beyond a couple of sentences. You want to move quickly to the story telling phase. Be careful with your notes and case file! Never leave them unattended, and always leave the top sheet of your notepad blank (to protect what you are writing). Transition statements for each agenda section can be found on the Mediator’s Checklist.

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145 6. Story Telling Words play a key role in almost every conflict. When used properly, words promote understanding and encourage agreement and bring about healing. When misused, they usually aggravate offenses and drive people further apart. Transition after the opening statement: • “We are now moving into the story-telling phase. Our goal is to gather and clarify information so that everyone can better understand what has happened and what can be done to resolve this matter. Note that story telling is also for story listening. As you hear each other’s story, listen to understand the other person. Remember the ground rule to not interrupt. We will begin with _________ [choose who begins].” As the reconciler, you are responsible for facilitating communication and understanding between the parties to give them both the feeling that have been able to describe certain events. • Draw out and clarify facts and feelings that are especially important for both sides to understand. • Generally, allow the “initiating party” to go first. Reassure the other party that he or she will be allowed to tell his side of the story in just a few minutes. • For long, involved stories cover the story telling in phases (alternating between the parties to give them both the feeling that they have been able to describe certain events). • With tense relationships, ask parties initially to address the mediator. • When appropriate, allow a witness or advisor to add information. However, guard against non-parties speaking where the parties should speak for themselves. • When individuals speak in broad generalities, ask for specific examples. • During the story telling phase, take careful notes. Communication skills Good communication skills are crucial for you as a reconciler. You set the example that will set a tone for the others to follow. Speak only to build others up • If you want to be an effective peacemaker, make a conscious effort to avoid reckless words, falsehood (hearsay, speculation, exaggeration, partial truths), gossip, slander, and other forms of worthless talk. God’s standard for our speech is very high:

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146 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear (Ephesians 4:29). • Demonstrate a gentle approach that your parties can imitate. • Talk to people rather than about them. • Speak well about others. Be quick to listen A crucial element of effective communication is the ability to listen carefully. Probably because this is not a skill that comes naturally to most of us, James gives this warning: Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God (James 1:19-20). Active listening requires more than just simply being quiet while another speaks. ▪ Waiting (Proverbs 18:13): o Try not to jump to premature conclusions. o Discipline yourself not to interrupt others while they are speaking. o Learn to be comfortable with silence. o Do not offer solutions to every problem others bring to you. ▪ Attending (concentrate on others): o Give others your full attention; consider their thoughts and feelings. o When others are speaking, avoid rehearsing your response. o Maintain eye contact15 and show interest by body language (lean forward). ▪ Clarifying: o “Are you saying…?” o “Tell me more about…” o “Can you give me an example?” o “I’m confused about…” ▪ Reflecting: When you reflect, you state your understanding of the content of what was said and the feelings conveyed by the speaker. Note: reflecting does not require that you agree with the speaker. For example: o “You believe I didn’t take time to hear you out.” o “The way you see it, then, is…” o “You must really care about this project.” ▪ Agreeing: 15 Be sensitive to cultures where direct eye contact may be offensive. This is often true in native communities. Adjust your body language to respect the culture. Active listening requires more than just simply being quiet while another speaks.

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147 We can greatly increase the effectiveness of our communication by affirming what is true before going to the points of disagreement. It may be difficult to admit we are wrong on one issue, because it may seem that we are accepting responsibility for the entire problem. To avoid this conclusion: o First, ask yourself, “Is there any truth in what he is saying?” (Psalm 141:5; Proverbs 15:31). o Then, agree in very specific terms, “You are right about…I was wrong when I said…” o If you have concerns that the parties are not listening well to one another, occasionally ask one to summarize what the other said. However, maintain balance. If you do this with one party, do it with the other! Attend to the Non-Speaking Party While one party is speaking, be sure to attend to the other party by looking at him/her occasionally. This will serve several purposes: • You will observe how the non-speaking party is reacting to the story. • You will note when certain parts of a story evoke a response (anger, agreement, guilt, etc.). o During that party’s turn to speak, you can ask about what you observed. • You will note if a party is not listening well and encourage them to listen: o Use eye contact to get the other party’s attention, then look at the speaking party. This can help encourage that person to listen more carefully. o Pause the story telling at important points and ask the other party to repeat what he heard. • Just knowing that you are attending the non-speaking party will help assure him during difficult parts of the story. This may help avoid an outburst. • If you fail to pay any attention to the non-speaking party, you may lose his trust and need to address an outburst. Use care with your own communication Another communication skill that is often needed to resolve conflict is the ability to restore others gently in a clear, constructive, and persuasive manner. “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Proverbs 12:18). • Choose the right time and place. • Timing is an essential ingredient of effective communication. If possible, do not discuss sensitive matters with someone who is tired, worried about other Occasionally ask a party to summarize what they heard the other party say. This helps remind them to listen carefully and encourages them to reflect when listening. Private meetings are often the best place to restore, including confronting specific sin, encouraging repentance, and pronouncing God’s forgiveness.

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148 things, or in a bad mood. Likewise, give careful thought to where you will talk. Try to find a place that is private and free of distractions. • Believe the best about others until you have facts that prove otherwise. o “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). o Golden Rule: We would want others to believe the best about us. o This does not mean that we should ignore distasteful facts. • Talk in person whenever possible. • As a general rule, communication is most effective if done face-to-face rather than by telephone or in writing. Help parties plan their words In delicate situations, careful planning can make the difference between restored peace and increased hostility. Use pre-mediation coaching, homework, and private meetings to help parties prepare gracious, clear, and constructive words. In many cases, it will be wise for them to write out several things, such as: • Opening statement (which will set the tone). • The issues he/she believes need to be addressed (focus on central issues). • The words and topics that should be avoided lest one needlessly offend. • The words that describe your feelings (concerned, frustrated, etc.). • A description of the effect the problem is having on the person and others. • Suggestions and preferences you offer as solutions to the problem. • The benefits that will be produced by cooperating to find a solution. Reconcilers must remain objective Especially when confronting, try to keep remarks as objective as possible and strive not to exaggerate. Then, help the parties do the same. • Focus on facts (“You were late for work five times in the past two weeks” rather than “You are always late for work.”). • Subjective judgments often convey condescension or condemnation. Model how to use the Bible carefully It is often helpful to refer to the Bible. If this is not done with great care, however, it will alienate people rather than persuade them. • Do not quote the Bible to tear others down, but only to build them up in the Lord (Ephesians 4:29). Use pre-mediation coaching, homework, and private meetings to help parties prepare gracious, clear, and constructive words.

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149 • Make sure you are using a passage for its intended purpose (i.e., understand the biblical context of the passage and use it only if consistent with that intent). • If possible, encourage them to read the passage from their own Bible and ask them, “Does this apply to your situation? If yes, how? If not, why not?” Ask for feedback as reconcilers To communicate effectively, you will need to pay careful attention to both impact and intent. That is, you should make sure that the other person has completely and accurately heard the same message that you intended to convey. Asking questions will also promote dialogue. • “I’m not sure that I have said this clearly. Would you mind telling me what you think I have said?” • “What have I said that you agree with? What do you disagree with?” • “Have I confused you?” Use similar questions for parties to answer for one another. Offer solutions and preferences If you can show a person a reasonable way out of a predicament, he or she may be more inclined to listen to you. Hope is a key ingredient in promoting repentance and change. • At the same time, try not to give the impression that you have all the answers. • Make it clear that your suggestions are only meant as a starting point, and offer to discuss any ideas the other person has. • Always point people to Christ, the source for all of our hope (Romans 15:13). Teach Parties to Use “I” statements Disputing parties often become emotional. Help them to use “I” statements to give information about themselves rather than attack the other person. A typical formula for an “I” statement is: -I feel [ ] when you [ ], because [ ]. As a result, [ ]. “I” statements identify what the other person has done that bothers you. They also explain why the issue is important to you and reduce the appearance that you are attacking the hearer.

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150 7. Private Meetings A time for individual coaching A private meeting (sometimes referred to as a caucus in secular mediation) is simply a time where someone—usually the mediator—meets privately with one party outside of the presence of the other party. Private meetings may also be held by parties and their advisors (outside of the presence of the other party and the conciliator). Private meetings are primarily coaching activities. You should use these meetings to teach, evangelize, clarify information, offer encouragement, confront inappropriate behavior, explore solutions or concerns that a party may not be ready to discuss in front of the other party, and help a party to plan a confession or prepare for a confrontation (see 1 Thessalonians 5:14). Calling for and starting a private meeting When you call for a private meeting, it is generally wise to announce the meeting in a casual manner (so as not to imply that some major problem just developed). A good start to any private meeting is to ask, “How do you think it is going so far?” The party’s first response will give you insight into that party’s positions and interests. Remember: if you leave the mediation room, do not leave your notes unattended. Confidentiality When you ask for a private meeting, explain to everyone the limits on confidentiality (the general substance of what is shared in a private meeting, but not every detail, will eventually be discussed in the joint meeting). Nevertheless, remember to maintain confidentiality of a private confession. If a party confesses to you in a private meeting, you must maintain the confidentiality of that confession unless you have specific permission to share it with others (except for certain legal requirements regarding sexual misconduct involving children, as required by various state laws). In most cases, it is much better to have the confessing party share his own confession with the other party rather than the reconciler, even if you have permission to do so. Begin a private meeting with: “How do you think things are going so far?” And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. 1 Thessalonians 5:14

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151 Additional guidelines for private meetings • Keep private meetings as short as possible. Balance your use of them with all parties. (Even if you think there is no need to meet with the other party, plan to meet with him to ask how their experience in the mediation is going.) • If something major comes up in a private meeting, and it requires more time, pause to excuse the other party or keep them informed briefly so that they are not left unattended for long periods of time wondering what’s happening. • When meeting with one party, give a specific assignment to the other party. This will help prepare them for the next session and give them something productive to do. Often, reconcilers find that a short assignment for one party while meeting with another becomes the key turning point in the mediation. • Co-reconcilers should normally meet together with the party (do not “split up” with the parties). • During a private meeting, focus on the party who is present, not on the absent party, and have a specific purpose. You may want to ask the party to clarify issues, concerns, or positions. You may benefit from using “if-then” statements (“If Bill would…, then would you consider…?”). • One more thought on confession: remember to proclaim God’s grace through forgiveness. Consider using the pamphlet Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness or read appropriate Scriptures of the Gospel. But do not miss the opportunity to proclaim Gospel when you hear a confession. • In addition to announcing God’s grace, one of the most important things you can do in a private meeting is to pray with the parties. On idols of the heart During the mediation or in a private meeting, the party may say things that will reveal his heart and underlying attitude. A private meeting provides your greatest opportunity to uncover idols. You may need to help the party to identify idols of the heart that are affecting how he or she is responding to this conflict. You might begin by asking the party to read James 4:1-3 and review some of the themes from chapter 2 of Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? or Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation. Explain to the parties that idols are often good things that we want too much. Such idols often come from desires that turn into intense cravings. Ask questions from the front side of the “Conflict Coaching Summary Guide” for uncovering idols. Chose a Scripture verse from the back side of the Guide. Ask the party to read the verse and then answer, “How does this verse apply to this situation? Assign homework to the other party when meeting privately with another.

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153 8. Problem Identification and Clarification Conflict of any kind necessarily involves people with different positions. To serve effectively as a reconciler, you need to distinguish between issues, positions, and interests. One of the most important things you will do as a peacemaker is to help parties understand interests to reach a mutually agreeable solution. Definitions • Issue: An identifiable and concrete question that must be addressed in order to reach an agreement. Issues tend to be tangible and measurable. • Position: A desired outcome or a definable perspective on an issue. Positions tend to be mutually exclusive and incompatible. • Interest: The motivations that underlie a position. Interests may reflect beliefs, values, concerns, desires, needs, or limitations. Interests may be concrete or abstract. Interests are more easily dovetailed than positions. If interests are understood, a solution is more likely to be found. Working through issues In problem identification and clarification, the reconciler takes an active lead in summarizing main points relating to issues, assisting the parties to sift out the important issues, and guiding parties to negotiate substantive issues and reconcile personal issues. Helping parties identify and clarify issues involves these steps: • Clarify all the issues that both parties want addressed, rephrasing them in the form of questions to be answered in the mediation. • Separate personal issues from substantive (or material) issues. • Choose an issue to help parties understand interests. • Help to identify or clarify each party’s interests on that one issue. • Identify and note areas of agreement in the interests. Following this last point, you are ready to search for creative solutions on the issue you have worked through using this process. Upon reaching agreement on one issue, you can then return to the list of issues and repeat the process as necessary to address the remaining issues. What the conflict is about Where the parties stand on an issue Why the parties take that position

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154 In most cases, you will find that after working through one or two issues in this manner, other issues will be resolved much more quickly as parties build trust and learn to search for solutions that meet both sides’ interests. In some situations, once personal relationship issues have been reconciled through confession and forgiveness, you will find that parties will immediately begin to offer each other solutions that address issues without going through this process. Clarify all the issues During the problem identification and clarification phase, you will help to refocus the parties on the issues that were initially presented. You will also help them to identify additional issues or sub-issues that have been revealed through story telling. This phase helps the parties to set a concrete agenda for exploring solutions that lead to agreement. If the list of issues becomes long and you sense that the parties are discouraged by the length of the list, encourage them by saying that as some issues are addressed others will be much more easily resolved. Indicate that if some but not all issues reach resolution, then those that are resolved will be included in their written agreement and those not yet resolved will be listed in the agreement for further work. As you discuss the issues with the parties, rephrase the issues in the form of an open-ended question that does not favor one party over the other. Include both parties in the solutions (“How can we…”). For example: • If one party says that an issue is payment for services rendered, you could rephrase it as, “How can we address any appropriate financial amounts owed for services rendered?” • If one party wants to be re-employed after termination, you could rephrase the issue as, “How can we address the issue of re-employment of _____?” • If relationship is an issue (it is in most conflicts), use something like, “How can we build our personal relationship with each other?” • If parties have gossiped about one another, you could say, “How can we address our past sinful talk to other people?” or “How can we properly communicate with others how we have addressed our conflict?” • If restitution is required that may involve payments: “How can we establish a repayment plan that is fair and reasonable for all concerned?” • For personal sin issues: “How can we deal with the way we have sinned against each other in this dispute?” When phrasing issues during mediation, begin each one with “How can we…?”

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155 Separate personal issues from substantive (or material) issues Once you have identified several issues, it is helpful to separate them into two different categories. Personal issues deal with relationship and sin (offense) issues, and often require addressing through confession and forgiveness. Substantive (or material) issues usually deal with physical matters or rights such as property, contracts, money, employment, etc. Sin issues are not negotiated but reconciled, whereas substantive issues are typically negotiated to reach resolution. When working through issues, you may need to move back and forth between personal issues and substantive issues. Reconciling personal issues will build trust for working on substantive issues. In cases where parties are focused on one or two major substantive issues, addressing those issues will help them relax and concentrate more on personal issues. Choose an issue to help parties understand interests You will find it helpful to deal with one issue at a time, sometimes personal and sometimes substantive. You may begin with an easy one, or the parties may be ready to deal with one of the more challenging issues. Once the issues are clearly identified, help the parties recognize and clarify each party’s interests. Continue to encourage the parties to “look also to the interests of others” during this phase. You might begin by reading Philippians 2:3-4. Although you will be paying attention to issues, positions, and interests throughout the entire mediation, your focus on interests will be particularly important during the problem identification and clarification stage. Help identify or clarify each party’s interests In conflicts, emotions often rise as the field of view becomes focused on positions. People can become rigid in their positions. As a biblical peacemaker, one of your jobs is to help people to back off from their positions and become more reasonable and flexible. You can do this by helping them to focus on interests. Choose an issue, either personal or substantive. Using the form “Separating Issues, Positions, and Interests” (either as a handout or on the flipchart), describe the differences between issues, positions, and interests. Write out the issue at the top and fill in the position of each party. Sin issues are not negotiated but reconciled. Substantive issues are negotiated to reach resolution.

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158 9. Explore Solutions One of the most important skills during the exploring solutions phase is helping the parties to see the situation as the other side sees it (Philippians 2:1-11). Helping the parties to understand one another empathetically will go a long way towards encouraging reconciliation and mutually agreeable solutions. Thus, your ability to help the parties with problem identification and clarification will greatly enhance your success for exploring solutions and leading to agreement. Just as in the problem identification and clarification phase, you may need to work back and forth between personal and substantive issues in exploring solutions. Personal issues and responsibilities During the exploring solutions phase of the mediation, one of your goals is to help the parties pursue personal reconciliation by confessing their sins and forgiving one another. It is often helpful to remind them of how much they have been forgiven in Christ when you are encouraging them to forgive one another. You also have the goal of helping them to resolve material issues by accepting responsibility for the consequences of their actions and by thinking creatively in order to generate options, evaluate them objectively, and select solutions that meet everyone’s legitimate interests. Sin issues Sin issues should never be negotiated. Instead, bring God’s Law and Grace to bear on the sinful attitudes and actions that lie at the heart of destructive conflict. This requires the careful application of the biblical principles of repentance, confession, confrontation, forgiveness, and restitution. Throughout this process, it is important to remember that only God can change a person’s heart. Substantive (material) issues As you help the parties to explore solutions to substantive issues, you should be mindful of the underlying interests that may be keys to unlocking acceptable options. Encourage parties to think up a wide range of possible solutions that advance shared interests and creatively reconcile differing interests. Often, a party will focus on only one, narrow solution. Your job is to help the parties to think creatively and discover options for mutual satisfaction and gain. Encourage parties to generate many options first before they evaluate any one option.

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159 Encourage them to think of as many possible options as they can. After developing the list, guide them to evaluate using objective criteria. Private meetings may be helpful for reality testing and coaching on “counting the cost” associated with any solution. Brainstorming Brainstorming is a specific and powerful means that may be appropriate in developing solutions for substantive/material issues—but it is not appropriate for all mediations. It is helpful to use a flipchart during brainstorming. Begin by explaining the rules for effective brainstorming: Four rules for brainstorming: • Be wild (i.e., enthusiastically creative; “think outside the box”). • Focus on quantity, not quality. • No judging or evaluating. • “Hitchhiking” encouraged (mix and combine options creatively). Next, set a time limit and encourage parties to actively participate. Often, one of the best solutions is suggested following a period of silence after active participation. Appoint a scribe to write down the ideas on a flip chart so everyone can see them. When you reach the time limit, you should have a long list of ideas to evaluate. Encourage reasonable assessment of the ideas, urging all parties to participate. Begin by marking the ideas in three ways (the visual use of a flip chart enhances this exercise): • For impossible ideas: cross out • For ideas with potential: mark with a check ✓ • For outstanding ideas: circle As you work through the options, parties may begin talking with each other. If so, this is a good time for the mediator to step back and allow the negotiations to take place. The mediator may jump in if needed to guide the discussion. Often the parties begin to formulate agreements. That’s when you naturally move into lead to agreement.

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160 10. Lead to Agreement As you lead the parties to agreement, the goal is that the parties would be reconciled and would arrive at an agreement that settles the substantive issues. Agreement may be made orally—especially in an informal setting—but it is often wise to encourage a written memorandum of the agreement. In so doing, you will minimize the risk of miscommunications and “buyer’s remorse.” A “Memorandum of Agreement” should always seek to RESTORE: • Reference to Scripture citations and biblical principles. • Evidence of reconciliation and agreement. • Specific description. • Time frame for completing agreed upon responsibilities. • Outline of process for resolving undecided issues. • Review with attorneys or acknowledge opportunity to do so. • Enforcement through a conciliation clause. Address all the issues Always deal with the tough issue that is left to the end. It is tempting to overlook an issue that may undermine a carefully crafted agreement, but do not give in to the temptation! Address all the issues. If all the issues are not resolved during this meeting, then list the unresolved issues in the agreement and establish a process for resolving them. For example, you may schedule a follow-up mediation on a specific date or refer them to someone who can help them. In some cases, the parties may have experienced enough reconciliation to resolve them on their own. Whatever the situation, put it in the agreement! See the sample agreement form and example of a completed agreement on the next two pages. Since the agreement belongs to the parties, only parties sign the agreement. The reconcilers are not parties to the agreement. However, upon parties’ request, reconcilers may sign as witnesses. A “Memorandum of Agreement” may also be referred to as a “Settlement Agreement.”

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161 Sample Memorandum of Agreement Form We, the undersigned parties, have used mediation to resolve a dispute. On [date], we reached the following Settlement Agreement, which is a complete and final settlement of this dispute. [Substance of agreement, applying the components of RESTORE] We acknowledge that the only role the reconcilers have played in the preparation of this Agreement has been to transcribe our own agreement into writing. We agree that everything said and written during the mediation process will remain confidential, unless stated otherwise in this Agreement or in our original Mediation Agreement. We further agree as follows: 1. Any dispute arising from the implementation of this Agreement shall be settled by mediation and, if necessary, legally binding arbitration, in accordance with The Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute for Christian Conciliation (available at www.AoRHope.org.org); judgment upon an arbitration award may be entered in any court otherwise having jurisdiction. ____Yes ____No 2. We intend that this Agreement will be legally enforceable and admissible as evidence in any judicial or administrative proceeding that is directly related to this dispute. ____Yes ____No If any documents are needed to close or dismiss a pending legal action related to this dispute, they will be drafted and filed by [name of attorney], attorney for [name of party whose attorney will draft and file the documents]. Before signing this agreement, you are advised to have it reviewed by your own independent legal counsel. Signed_________________________________________ Date_______________ Signed_________________________________________ Date_______________ Signed_________________________________________ Date_______________ Signed_________________________________________ Date_______________

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162 Example Memorandum of Agreement We, the undersigned parties, have used a formal reconciliation meeting to resolve a dispute. On January 10, 20xx, we reached the following Agreement, which is a complete and final settlement on this dispute. We opened with Colossians 3:1-17 and asked for God’s guidance and presence in our negotiations. We worked together, confronting each other in love with gentleness and patience. We reconciled with each other, confessing our sins to God and one another, bearing with each other and forgiving grievances we had against one another. We also reassured each other of God’s forgiveness in Christ. In light of Philippians 2:14 and Ephesians 4:29, where we have talked to others about each other and about each other’s organizations in uncomplimentary ways, we promise to go back to those individuals and speak well of each other, defending each other’s character and celebrating together our God-honoring resolution. In light of Philippians 2:1-4 and in celebration of our reconciliation, we agree to the final settlement of all financial issues as follows: 1. Party A pledges a donation of $9,809.54 to First Church, which will be paid by December 31 of this year. 2. Party B will pay gifts totaling $9,809.54 to three other Christian ministries by April 30 of this year. The list of three ministries will be approved by Party A. Donations will be accompanied by a letter drafted by President of Party B and approved by President of Party A. The letter will briefly describe that this gift is a celebration gift of our two organization’s reconciliation and part of our settlement agreement with each other. Party B will provide copies of all donation receipts to Party A for their files. Apart from the explicit terms of this agreement, President of Party B agrees as a separate matter to speak to the entire office staff about the manner and circumstances surrounding the treatment the President of Party A received from Party B’s staff, which the President of Party B now judges to be harmful and detrimental to Party A. We acknowledge that the only role the reconciler has played in the preparation of this Memorandum of Agreement has been to transcribe our own agreement into writing. We agree that everything said and written during the mediation process will remain confidential, unless stated otherwise in this Agreement or in the ICC Rules of Procedure referenced in our mediation agreement. We decline any need to speak with an attorney before signing this agreement. We further agree that if any difficulties arise from the implementation or interpretation of this Agreement, we shall seek the assistance of the reconciler. Signed: Party A Party B Reference to Scripture verses Evidence of reconciliation Specific descriptions of agreements Time frames identified Outline for completing unresolved issues Review with attorneys Enforcement thru conciliation clause

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163 11. Post Mediation As you rejoice in what the Lord has accomplished through the conciliation and prepare to move forward in his grace, be sure to include the following post-mediation steps as appropriate: ▪ May include a celebration (e.g., shared meal). ▪ Evaluation of conciliators and the process. ▪ Subsequent checkup with the parties. ▪ Occasional fine-tuning of the agreement. ▪ Enforcement if agreement is not being kept (e.g., exhortation by conciliator, church accountability). Not all mediations end in reconciliation or conflict resolution. Parties may feel very discouraged or even distraught. You will likely also feel discouraged about such an outcome. Be prepared to encourage the parties when things don’t end well. You may need to admonish one or more parties who are unrepentant. But use care that in your own tiredness you don’t crush the parties. Always give hope. Moving from mediation to adjudication (non-synodical) In a non-synodical dispute, parties may agree to submit their unresolved substantive issues to arbitration (also called adjudication). In some cases, their mediation agreement includes a provision for adjudication if mediation is unsuccessful. This process is called a mediation/arbitration or simply med/arb. Moving from mediation to adjudication requires specific skills and legal requirements, and should not be done by those not familiar with it. For more information on med/arb, contact Ambassadors of Reconciliation (www.aorhope.org). Moving from Formal Reconciliation Meeting to Dispute Resolution Panel (synodical) If parties are unable to reach full agreement in a formal reconciliation meeting, either party may request a dispute resolution panel for a decision (a form of adjudication). The LCMS Handbook and Standard Operating Procedures Manual describe the process necessary. In such cases, the reconciler will need to advise the parties on the Bylaw 1.10.7

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165 12. Reconciler’s Report (Synodical) According to the LCMS Handbook and the Standard Operation Procedures Manual (SOPM), a reconciler shall provide a written report upon the conclusion of the formal reconciliation meeting. Upon conclusion of the formal reconciliation meeting or meetings, the reconciler shall prepare a written report which contains (1) the actions of the reconciler; (2) the issues that were resolved; (3) the issues that remain unresolved; (4) a statement whether reconciliation was achieved; (5) the statement of the complainant as to informal reconciliation efforts; (6) the statement of the matter in dispute; and (7) any reply by the respondent. All communication that takes place during the reconciliation process shall be considered strictly confidential, including all oral and written communications of the parties to the dispute. The report, therefore, shall not contain any such information nor shall it contain any opinion of the reconciler regarding the dispute. The report and the attachments will be provided only to the parties to the dispute and the secretary of the Synod or district, as appropriate. [Bylaw 1.10.6.5] ▪ A succinct, timely, thorough, and accurate report by the reconciler is essential, since no formal records of the reconciliation meetings are made and since the report will play an important part in any panel proceedings that may follow. The report shall include the documents and all other content mentioned in the bylaw above before it is accepted by the secretary of the Synod or district. The report shall not include specific information and statements shared by the parties during the reconciliation process (all communication that takes place is to be considered strictly confidential). The report also shall not include any opinion of the reconciler regarding the issues or parties to the dispute. [SOPM 1.10, VI Flow Chart Detail, 2.6a] ▪ The original signed copy of the report remains with other original documentation from the case and becomes a part of the official record of the case. As the report and attachments are forwarded, the original documentation is forwarded to the secretary of the Synod or district, with copies to the parties to the dispute. Note that the SOPM is a working document that may be changed anytime by the Commission on Constitutional Matters, and the Handbook is revised at every synodical convention. Thus, it is important to always refer to the most recent edition of both the Handbook and the SOPM in determining what is required for the written report. SOPM 1.10, VI Flow Chart Detail, 2.6

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168 1. The Role of the Adjudicator So if you have such cases, why do you lay them before those who have no standing in the church? I say this to your shame. Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to settle a dispute between the brothers, but brother goes to law against brother, and that before unbelievers? 1 Corinthians 6:4-6 Four roles of a reconciler Any reconciler LCMS reconciler and/or facilitators ▪ Teacher Usually done individually or in small groups ▪ Coach Informal efforts, formal reconciliation meeting ▪ Mediator Informal and formal reconciliation meetings ▪ Adjudicator Dispute Resolution, Appeal, and Review Panels Hearing and Final Hearing Panels (expulsion) Review Committee (seminaries & institutions) Panel (for issue between CCM and Board of Directors) The reconciler as an adjudicator ▪ Purpose: A “quasi-judicial” process in which the parties explain their dispute to one or more neutral arbitrators who have the authority to render a binding decision of the matter (adjudication, also known as arbitration). Adjudication in the LCMS Dispute Resolution (1.10) Adjudication (or arbitration) is used in the following applications: ▪ Dispute Resolution Panel: A panel of three reconcilers and one facilitator, chosen by blind draw, hears matters in dispute between parties not resolved through Formal Reconciliation Meetings. The Panel resolves the dispute by rendering a final decision. ▪ Appeal Panel: A panel of three District Presidents (one selected by the complainant, one selected by the respondent, and the third selected by the two panel members so selected) decides if a decision of the Dispute Resolution Panel should be reconsidered by a Review Panel. An Appeal Panel may be requested by any party to the dispute (including the suspending ecclesiastical supervisor in Bylaws 2.14, 15, and 17) or the President of Synod if a question of doctrine or practice is involved. The Bylaw 1.10.7 Bylaw 1.10.8

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169 Appeal Panel only decides if a decision of the Dispute Resolution Panel should be reconsidered – it does not actually reconsider the decision. If the Panel denies reconsideration, the decision of the Dispute Resolution Panel is final and binding on the parties and is not subject to further appeal. If the Panel approves reconsideration, a Review Panel is chosen and reviews the decision. ▪ Review Panel: A panel of three reconcilers and one facilitator, chosen by blind draw, reviews the decision of a Dispute Resolution Panel and makes a final binding decision on the matter. Parties cannot appeal the decision of a Dispute Resolution Panel to a Review Panel unless approved first by an Appeal Panel. Adjudication utilizing reconcilers and facilitators in other processes for dispute resolution In addition to the Bylaw 1.10 Dispute Resolution of the Synod, the following bylaws also incorporate arbitration processes utilizing synodical reconcilers and facilitators: ▪ Bylaw 2.14 Expulsion of Congregations or Individuals from Membership in the Synod ▪ Bylaw 2.15 Expulsion of District President or Officer from Membership in the Synod ▪ Bylaw 2.17 Expulsion of Individuals from Membership in the Synod as a Result of Sexual Misconduct or Criminal Behavior The adjudication applications for the above bylaws include: ▪ Hearing Panel: A panel of two district presidents, two lay reconcilers, and one ordained reconciler, assisted by a facilitator, hold a hearing requested by a suspended member to render a final decision on that member’s suspension unless appealed. ▪ Final Hearing Panel: A panel of two district presidents, two lay reconcilers, and one ordained reconciler, assisted by a facilitator, who when the decision of the Hearing Panel is appealed give a final hearing on that member’s suspension and render a final decision. In addition to the bylaws referenced above, the following bylaws also incorporate adjudication processes utilizing synodical facilitators: Bylaw 1.10.15

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170 ▪ Bylaw 3.10.5.7.9 (Addressing complaints against a seminary’s faculty or administration) The adjudication application for the above bylaws include: ▪ Review Committee: A committee of two faculty members, two regents, and one facilitator holds a hearing to decide whether or not there is a valid complaint against a faculty or administration person. If there is a valid complaint, the committee may take whatever action it deems appropriate, including recommendation for termination of the employment contract, and under certain circumstances, refer the complaint to the district president for additional procedure. The committee’s decision is final, and there is no appeal from a review committee’s decision. ▪ Bylaw 3.9.2.2 (c) (Regarding lack of agreement on whether a matter interpreting Synod’s Constitution, Bylaws, and resolutions that pertain to business, legal, or property matters is governed by the laws of the state of Missouri) ▪ Panel: A five-member panel consisting of three hearing facilitators (one of which must be an attorney), one person appointed by the Commission on Constitution Matters, and one person appointed by the Board of Directors decides whether or not the matter is governed by the laws of the state of Missouri. The decision is binding on the issue(s) unless and until it is overruled by a convention of the Synod. Adjudication (arbitration) is NOT used in the following processes: ▪ Teaching ▪ Coaching ▪ Informal reconciliation meetings (mediation) ▪ Formal reconciliation meetings (mediation) Distinctions of adjudication ▪ Different than coaching: o The reconcilers do not meet with any party unless all parties are present (no individual coaching, no private meetings or caucusing). o Adjudication is more formal and less conversational than coaching. o Adjudicators focus on substantive matters in the hearing, since they cannot make decisions on matters of the heart (e.g., love, confession, forgiveness). In adjudication, reconcilers do not meet with a party alone; all parties must be present.

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171 ▪ Different than mediation: o Adjudication is ecclesiastically or legally binding. o Adjudicators, not parties, have the right and authority to make the final decision on the defined issues. o Parties give up the right to take the same issues to court. o Parties are usually obligated to continue with the process to its conclusion. o Focuses on what parties must do as a matter of law rather than on what they should do as a matter of conscience (adjudicators cannot mandate mercy). o No individual coaching or private meetings (caucuses) with the parties. o Parties’ attorneys play a more active role (limited in LCMS system). o Procedural rules are followed more closely. ▪ Christian arbitration is similar to secular arbitration: o Similar format. o Adjudicators are generally motivated by a sincere desire to help people. o Seeks to decide matters that parties cannot reach on their own. o Provides a process that resolves matters without going to civil court. ▪ Christian adjudication is different from secular arbitration: o Four convictions of Christian mediation: • The Centrality of Christ. We believe that genuine peace between people may be found only through Jesus Christ. Therefore, we encourage people in conflict to believe the Gospel and trust in Christ, and to faithfully rely on the promises and obey the commands that he has given to us in Scripture. (See John 14:27; 2 Corinthians 5:18-19; Colossians 3:15-16; 2 Timothy 3:16.) • The Responsibility of the Church. We believe that peacemaking is an essential ministry of the local church, not a task reserved for professional mediators or lawyers. Therefore, we encourage Christians to take unresolved conflicts to their church families, which are called by God to restore peace by promoting biblical justice and reconciliation, by applying the Law, and by proclaiming Christ’s forgiveness. (See Matthew 18:17; 1 Corinthians 6:4; Ephesians 3:10; Hebrews 13:17.) • The Necessity of Biblical Counseling. We believe that destructive conflict comes from desires that battle within people’s hearts. Therefore, we do not merely try to resolve surface issues. We counsel parties to find their fulfillment in Christ, renounce sinful Bylaw 1.10.18

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172 desires and actions that have contributed to conflict, and seek genuine reconciliation with others. We also proclaim God’s grace to those who repent. (See James 4:1-3; Galatians 2:20; Proverbs 28:13; Romans 15:14; John 20:22-23.) • The Comprehensiveness of God’s Word. We believe that God’s Word is totally authoritative and completely sufficient for all aspects of life, and that his peacemaking commands and promises apply to every conflict a Christian can encounter. Therefore, we work across the entire spectrum of conflict, helping people to resolve everything from schoolyard quarrels to family disputes, business conflicts, congregational divisions, and multi-million dollar lawsuits. (See 2 Timothy 3:16-17.) o Motivation of reconcilers: to glorify God and give witness to faith in Christ. o Authority: Scripture establishes basic principles and guides people in substantive issues. Primary ethical dangers Adjudicators must use discretion that they do not fall prey to ethical temptations of their calling to adjudicate, including: • Presumption, especially assuming facts, conclusions, or decisions based on personal experience and bias rather than the actual testimony, or before receiving all the testimony. • Abuse of trust, influence, or authority, especially making decisions outside one’s authority. • Breach of confidentiality

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173 Earning Trust and Confidence Just as in coaching and mediation, earning trust and confidence (also called passport) is necessary in order to help people overcome stubborn hearts and other obstacles. The reconciler continually works to build trust with parties, before and during any reconciliation process. As you conciliate a dispute, you will build passport as you strive to provide the parties with three types of satisfaction. • Process satisfaction results from providing the parties with a fair, orderly, and even-handed process that gives everyone involved a reasonable opportunity to present the information they believe is relevant to the dispute. (See Micah 6:8; 1 Corinthians 14:40.) • Personal satisfaction results from consistently treating the parties with respect, courtesy, and equality. (See Matthew 7:12; James 2:1-4.) • Product satisfaction results from leading the parties to a final solution that is perceived as being just and equitable, both substantively and personally. (See Proverbs 28:5.) It is important to note that in the long run most parties place as much value on process and personal satisfaction as they do on product satisfaction. This is true despite the fact that they usually devote most of their energy to achieving a particular outcome. The reality that parties value process and personal satisfaction is good news, because a reconciler usually has much more control over these things than the final outcome of a dispute. (Even in adjudication, the adjudicator is limited to making decisions on the substantive issues identified in the statement of issues. He is not able to address personal heart issues.) By carefully providing the parties with a fair process and treating them with genuine respect, you can usually find a durable agreement and a high degree of satisfaction, even when the final solution is not entirely to everyone’s liking. However, if you fail to provide process satisfaction and personal satisfaction, you will become a party in dispute with those you attempted to serve. He has told you, O man, what is good: And what does the LORD require of you but to do justice and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Micah 6:8 Evil men do not understand justice, but those who seek the LORD understand it completely. Proverbs 28:5

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174 The importance of passport Passport is the “permission” that people give you as a reconciler to explore their confidential and intimate information. This privileged permission will not be given until a person is confident that you are both competent and trustworthy. Throughout the conciliation process, it is important that you develop passport with the parties you are assisting. Passport increases as you build trust with the parties. You earn passport through listening empathetically, asking insightful questions, and treating people with respect and care. You will have achieved passport when a party can answer yes to three questions: • Can I trust you? • Do you care about me? • Can you really help me? Properly earned, passport will provide you with the opportunities to encourage, confront, exhort, and direct the parties with biblical counseling. However, as you confront or admonish, you use up some of your passport. Thus, you need to be intentional in understanding how much passport you have earned and when you need to use the opportunity to exhort. A skilled reconciler learns how to recognize how much passport has been earned and when to best use it in encouraging reconciliation. Developing passport is not an event but is a continuous process. Once you have had passport and lose it entirely, it will be more difficult to gain that person’s confidence back. When is adjudication appropriate? When making a determination of which reconciliation process is most appropriate, one needs to consider whether teaching, coaching, mediating, or adjudicating will serve the parties best. Adjudication is most appropriate when: ▪ There are no personal issues to resolve, or the parties refuse to deal with personal issues. ▪ Parties have attempted mediation but cannot reach an agreement and prefer to avoid litigation. Parties may claim that there are no personal issues. However, due to the sinful nature of man, personal issues exist in almost all conflicts. Most such claims are a form of denial or ignorance of how sin creates personal issues in conflict.

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175 ▪ In LCMS system, when the process moves to a Dispute Resolution Panel, an Appeal Panel, a Review Panel, or other adjudication process. ▪ When dealing with property, liability, damages, or contract issues (if parties sign an adjudication agreement or have an adjudication or arbitration clause in their contract—not automatically). ▪ When not dealing with matters over which the local congregation or the state has sole jurisdiction (e.g., criminal acts, matters for church discipline). CAUTION: Avoid confusing coaching and mediation with adjudication processes Because adjudicators issue decisions on substantive issues but not on personal issues, the adjudication process rarely results in reconciliation of relationships. Well-meaning adjudicators who have a strong desire to see parties reconciled may attempt to coach or mediate parties rather than hear the case and render a binding decision. They may also attempt to issue decisions on personal or heart issues when they have no authority to do so. Failure to distinguish coaching and mediation from adjudication processes not only creates confusion, but it also violates basic rules of justice and therefore can jeopardize the entire process. Likewise, some reconcilers may attempt to make decisions for parties in coaching or mediation when they have no authority to do so. They may become frustrated at the parties’ inability to resolve conflicts and attempt to enforce their own solutions. Accordingly, conciliators must use caution to avoid confusing coaching and mediation with adjudication. For example: • An adjudicator cannot make a decision that a party must confess, forgive, or love someone. These are heart issues that can be addressed in coaching and mediation through admonition and encouragement, but an adjudicator has no authority to render such a decision. • An adjudicator can recommend that parties seek help in reconciliation, but he or she must not attempt mediation in the middle of an adjudication process, attempting to help parties achieve reconciliation through mutual confession and forgiveness. • An adjudicator may meet a party in a hallway during a break and make an appeal for him to confess or forgive. Such coaching is a form of ex parte communication, talking with one party outside the presence of the other. Ex parte communication must be avoided in adjudication. Ex parte communication is when one party communicates with the adjudicator outside the presence of the other party.

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176 All of these examples violate basic rules of justice. Any such action of an adjudicator, no matter how well intentioned, will flaw the process and may subject the decision to being overturned. This caution illustrates the importance of distinguishing coaching and mediation from adjudication. As a result, some people find that they are much better suited to one form of Christian conciliation over the other. Some are more gifted and orientated to coaching and mediation. Others are more gifted and orientated to adjudication. Nevertheless, whatever one’s natural gifting or preference is, the Christian reconciler must strive to serve the role appointed in the best way possible and avoid errors which could jeopardize the process for the sake of witness to Christ and for serving the parties and others affected in the process. And yet, mediation may still be possible… On the other hand, when parties begin to understand that they have given up the right to make their own decisions and that this process will not be able to reconcile their relationship, they may become motivated to attempt mediation. To maintain integrity of the adjudication process and yet still provide opportunity for mediation, the adjudicator(s) may make arrangements for another reconciler who may serve the parties in mediation.

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177 Entering into an adjudication agreement ▪ May be a very casual verbal agreement (“Would you please just tell us what you think we ought to do?”). ▪ Civil statutes make adjudication or arbitration agreements legally binding and awards legally enforceable. ▪ Agreement to adjudicate a future dispute (conciliation or mediation/arbitration clause in contract). ▪ Agreement to adjudicate or arbitrate through governing documents (bylaws, operating agreements, partnership agreements, etc.). For example, the LCMS Dispute Resolution System. ▪ Agreement to adjudicate an existing dispute. Legal considerations ▪ If parties agree, adjudication is legally enforceable. ▪ Very limited grounds for appeal. ▪ Arbitral immunity means adjudicators (arbitrators) have minimal exposure to legal liability.

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178 Linking arbitration with mediation In formal organizational dispute resolution systems and conciliation clauses or agreements, adjudication may be combined with mediation. These mediation/arbitration (med/arb) agreements essentially are binding arbitration agreements with mediation at the beginning. If all issues are resolved in mediation, the arbitration is not necessary. If, however, any of the substantive issues are not resolved in mediation, the remaining substantive issues are submitted to adjudication. The benefits of mediation/arbitration agreements (aka med/arb): ▪ A med/arb agreement ensures that a decision will be reached, either through voluntary mediation or through binding arbitration. This prevents a waste of time and expense in resolving issues through multiple attempts. ▪ The fact that parties will give up their rights to make their own agreements if the matter goes to arbitration motivates people to settle voluntarily during mediation. ▪ Rather than arbitration alone, mediation provides opportunity for the parties to reconcile and make their own agreements on at least some of the issues. Often a case that moves from mediation to arbitration may have resolved some issues and the parties have experienced partial or full reconciliation. Med/arb provides an option for those areas in which the parties were unable to agree. The drawbacks of med/arb: ▪ Since adjudication is a judicial process, it may increase an adversarial attitude in the parties. This can lead to defensiveness, thereby discouraging honest confession. Parties may also become more “other” focused in their approaches, rather than reflecting more on their own contribution to the conflict. ▪ With a med/arb process, attorneys may be tempted to play a more active role in the mediation process, increasing the potential for adversarial attitudes among the parties. ▪ If the mediators end up serving as adjudicators, they may compromise the enforceability of the final decision because of ex parte communications with the parties. (In pre-mediation coaching and mediation, mediators will have met individually with parties outside of the presence of other parties.) Because such activities violate basic rules of justice, an unhappy party may attempt to appeal the decision based on the ex parte communication. How can one minimize the disadvantages of med/arb? The mediator must distinguish between the processes and separate them chronologically so that parties prepare for only one phase at a time. Mediation must be the first process, followed by adjudication only if necessary. Med/arb agreements provide strong incentive for parties to work hard to resolve their issues in mediation.

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179 The mediator must provide parties the option of selecting an entirely new panel when moving into adjudication. • Advantages of a new panel: o Panel members will not have engaged in ex parte communication. o They will not be influenced by ungodly behavior during the coaching and mediation process, such as unrepentance and refusing to take responsibility for a party’s contribution to the conflict. o The parties can more easily distinguish and separate the processes. • Advantages of the mediator(s) serving as adjudicator(s): o If the parties have achieved partial or full reconciliation of the relationship and just need help in deciding substantive issues, using the mediator as adjudicator will help preserve what has been achieved so far. o Parties need not go through the emotional trauma of rehashing their stories and continuing to present testimony that will likely serve to continue to harm the relationship. o Time and energy are saved since the majority if not all the evidence will have been presented and will not need to be given again. o If the parties agree to utilize the mediator as an adjudicator, it indicates that the parties have confidence in their conciliator and trust him/her for the result. The greatest way to avoid the potential disadvantage of a party appealing a decision because of ex parte communication is to utilize a transition agreement where parties agree that all evidence received during mediation is admissible. This is a key element when the parties agree that the mediator may continue serving as the adjudicator. In LCMS system, med/arb system is automatic: ▪ If a dispute does not resolve through Formal Reconciliation Meetings, the complainant can request a Dispute Resolution Panel, and the Panel is made up of different reconcilers. The transition from mediation to adjudication When does mediation move into adjudication under LCMS system? ▪ By appeal from a party in a Formal Reconciliation Meeting to a Dispute Resolution Panel. When does mediation move into arbitration under non-LCMS system process? (See ICC Rule 24) ▪ By unanimous agreement of parties in mediation.

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180 ▪ By unanimous agreement of parties or by majority decision of panel members when a mediation/arbitration agreement has been signed. ▪ By request of one party to the administrator, if a dispute is submitted to med/arb pursuant to a conciliation clause in a contract, and administrator approves request. If using the same panel (applies only to non-LCMS system processes): ▪ Announce to the parties that the case is making a definite change from mediation to arbitration, and explain all differences between processes and ground rules. ▪ If not previously approved in Mediation/Arbitration agreement, get written approval for using same panel members (see ICC’s form “Arbitration Panel Approval” in Model Case Forms). ▪ Summarize arguments and rest case. ▪ Bring in evidence or testimony not previously revealed. If using a new panel, present case from the beginning: ▪ For non-LCMS system processes. ▪ For LCMS Dispute Resolution Panels. ▪ Not for LCMS Appeal Panels (Appeal Panels do not hear the case; they only decide if a decision of a Dispute Resolution Panel should be reconsidered by a Review Panel). ▪ Optional for LCMS Review Panels NOTE: Although the bylaws allow the review panel to make a decision without a hearing, this is unwise because the review panel does not have all the records of the original hearing – especially the oral testimony (since no records of oral testimony are kept). Adjudication (Arbitration) Process Pre-adjudication: ▪ Define the issues. ▪ Complete agreements. ▪ May ask parties for briefs. ▪ Schedule the hearing and prepare the location. ▪ Prepare the parties. ▪ Prepare the adjudicators.

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181 Adjudication hearing: ▪ Introduction. o Greetings and introductions. o Review agenda. o Statement of ground rules. o Opening devotions. ▪ Oath (optional–not used in the LCMS system). ▪ Statement of issues to be decided. ▪ Opening statements. ▪ Presentation of initiating party’s evidence, including witnesses if any, and cross-examination. ▪ Presentation of responding party’s evidence, including witnesses if any, and cross-examination. ▪ Final questioning by adjudicators. ▪ Adjudicators may make appeal to parties to make their own decision. ▪ Closing statements (summary) by parties. ▪ Closing statements by adjudicators. ▪ The adjudicator (in LCMS, the facilitator) officially closes the hearing and states that no more evidence will be allowed (unless specific items have been requested by the panel). ▪ Closing prayer. ▪ Decision is written and delivered to parties. Post adjudication: ▪ Evaluation of adjudicators and the process (not available in LCMS system). ▪ Subsequent check-up with the parties. ▪ Adjudicators clarify questions regarding the decision. ▪ Enforcement if agreements are not being kept (e.g., exhortation by an adjudicator, church discipline, or judgment filed in court).

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182 2. Pre-Adjudication Preparations Selection of adjudicators (reconcilers) Who selects them? ▪ In LCMS system, selected as prescribed in bylaws. ▪ In non-synodical disputes, parties may jointly ask conciliators to arbitrate. ▪ The church, if administering the adjudication. ▪ Ambassadors of Reconciliation or the Institute of Christian Conciliation (ICC) or another Christian conciliation organization, if administering the adjudication. How many? ▪ In LCMS system, prescribed by bylaws: o Three reconcilers for Dispute Resolution Panel. o Three District Presidents for Appeal Panel. o Three reconcilers for Review Panel. o In Dispute Resolution Panels and Review Panels, a facilitator is also chosen. o In other processes, as specifically defined in the bylaws. ▪ In non-synodical arbitrations: o Depends on the case – often one or three. o Parties need to agree on who pays expenses and fees. Qualifications: ▪ Wise and spiritually mature (1 Corinthians 6:5; Galatians 6:1; compare 1 Timothy 3:1-13; Titus 1:6-9). ▪ Familiarity, credibility, and influence with the parties. o The myth of neutrality. Everyone has natural tendencies in judging people and matters based on values and beliefs. Christian adjudicators commit to rendering decisions based on the Scriptures. o The importance of impartiality. ▪ Similarities to parties (age, gender, race, faith group). ▪ Knowledge and experience in area of dispute. ▪ No significant conflicts of interest. ▪ Training and experience as an arbitrator (and facilitator in LCMS). Bylaw 1.10.16 and SOPM 1.10, General Regulations, R (and VI. Flowchart Detail 3.1d). describes disqualification for conflicts of interest.

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183 Conflicts of interest in LCMS system: ▪ An individual who served as a reconciler cannot serve on a Panel for the same matter. ▪ Standard for disqualification is actual partiality or appearance of partiality. ▪ A reconciler or District President selected as a panel member shall disclose to the person making the appointment any circumstances likely to affect impartiality and may disqualify himself/herself from serving. ▪ Any party to the dispute may request disqualification of a panel member. If that individual disagrees, a three-member panel of reconcilers shall decide the matter. ▪ See Standard Operating Procedures Manual for more information. Preparation of adjudicators (reconcilers) Training and study prior to serving on any case: ▪ Remember confidentiality concerns. ▪ Reminder of ethical responsibilities (especially abuse of power). ▪ Specific homework. ▪ Review all information available about the case: o Intake forms. o Summary of counsel given to parties from administrator (In LCMS, Secretary of Synod). o Evidence or documents submitted by parties, if properly received in a pre-adjudication hearing. o Any work completed by mediators or Formal Reconciliation Meetings. o Agreement with issues defined. Request parties to submit additional information when needed: ▪ Each party’s understanding of the issues to be decided and the remedies he/she is seeking. ▪ Pre-hearing briefs. ▪ Provide same instructions to both parties (best if in written form). ▪ Each party’s requests for witnesses (number, names, brief reason for witnesses). Finalize all issues to be decided prior to hearing: ▪ In non-synodical system, issues are determined by parties and attached to If a party requests disqualification because of a perceived conflict of interest, it is usually best for the reconciler to refrain from serving.

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184 arbitration agreement. ▪ In LCMS system: After reviewing preliminary case information, the panel defines the issues to be decided, if they are not already defined in an adjudication agreement or by the reconciler in the Formal Reconciliation Meeting. o Note that in the LCMS system, dispute resolution panels are limited in the issues that they can define. Please refer to the Sample Issue Statements at the back of this chapter for writing the issue statements. o In cases where issues have not been previously defined, the panel must notify parties in writing of the issues to be decided. This can be done when giving them notice of the time and place of the hearing. Determining number of witnesses: ▪ In LCMS system: The panel determines the number of witnesses necessary for a full and complete understanding of the facts involved in the dispute. o Through the facilitator, the panel must notify parties in writing of its decision regarding witnesses so that the parties may plan accordingly. In more complex hearings that may take more than one day, the panel may need to project a schedule when different witnesses will be heard. This notice can also be given when notifying parties of the time and place of the hearing. Working together as a panel: ▪ Build relationship among the adjudicators (reconcilers and facilitator) through separate personal meeting, arriving early, telephone conference calls, praying together. ▪ Selection of administrator (convener), facilitator, secretary, and time-keeper. ▪ Prayer (individually and together as a panel). Note Bylaws 1.10.2 and 1.10.3. SOPM 1.10, VI. Flow Chart Detail 3.1 f-h states that panels determine the final wording of issue statements, but panels are limited in what they can decide.

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185 Preparation of the parties Note: Adjudicators (LCMS reconcilers and facilitators) must refrain from individual contact with the parties except for making arrangements for the hearing, which in the LCMS system is done by the facilitator. Instructions for preparation should be done in writing with identical copies to both parties, or in telephone conferences with both parties, or in person with both parties present. An experienced administrator who does not serve as an adjudicator in the case can provide protection against violating this important principle. Relax, affirm, inform, and encourage parties: ▪ To stop blaming others for the problem and to urge them to take full responsibility for their contributions to a conflict. ▪ To encourage godly attitudes and decisions. ▪ To help parties plan how to present their perspectives in a clear and constructive manner. ▪ To help parties to collect and organize all of the documents needed for the hearings and to learn how many witnesses will be presented. Means to prepare the parties: ▪ Homework assignments (workbook or custom assignments); remember, however, that both parties need to receive the same communications. ▪ Counseling (coaching) of both parties together. ▪ NO individual meetings or phone conversations with adjudicators (reconcilers), except to make arrangements for hearing. ▪ If a party begins to present his/her case when an adjudicator (facilitator) is making arrangements for a hearing, the adjudicator (facilitator) must interrupt the party and explain that no discussion on the case can take place without the presence of the other party. ▪ Encourage parties to seek counseling or advice from other advisors. ▪ Remind parties in LCMS system that if an advisor is to be present at a hearing, the party must provide notice of at least (5) five days to the Panel and to the other party. ▪ Inform parties in LCMS system that the Panel shall determine the number of witnesses necessary and instruct parties to make all requests for witnesses to the Panel (with copy of correspondence to other party) prior to the hearing. ▪ Panels may select their own witnesses, but should give notice to parties. ▪ Request additional information from the parties when needed: o Each party’s understanding of the issues to be decided and the remedies he/she is seeking. If a proposed advisor is to be called as a witness by either party, he cannot serve as an advisor (Bylaw 1.10.7.4 and SOPM 1.10, VI. Flow Chart Detail 3.3c).

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186 o Pre-hearing briefs and/or longer documents of evidence. o Provide same instructions to both parties (best if in written form). o Inform parties that any correspondence, briefs, or evidence provided to adjudicator (panel) must be copied to other party. ▪ Provide written notices to parties for time and place of hearing and other instructions: o Provide specific instructions on time and place, with directions; remind parties that hearing will continue in their absence if they choose not to attend. o Ask parties to prepare a brief opening statement. o Remind parties that if they are presenting written evidence, they must provide copies for each adjudicator (reconciler and facilitator) and the other party. o Provide parties with copies of Rules of Procedure (ICC or LCMS SOPM, as appropriate). For non-Christian party: ▪ Unless at least one party is a Christian, it may be difficult to implement Christian adjudication (or arbitration) properly. ▪ Explain limitations and expectations. Preparation of attorneys: ▪ Should be present when the other side is represented by legal counsel or when complex or significant legal issues are involved. (In the LCMS system, a party can only be accompanied by one advisor, who cannot speak on behalf of the party.) ▪ During adjudication, attorneys may be more involved in presenting and clarifying evidence. (In the LCMS system, an advisor may not speak on behalf of the party.) ▪ Encourage attorneys to join in as part of the problem-solving team. Preparation of supporters: ▪ May include spouse, pastor, family, friend, counselor, advisor (in LCMS, only one advisor allowed per party). ▪ Much more restricted than in mediation; adjudicators must not consult with supporters. Any evidence received in advance must be done during a preliminary hearing where each party has an opportunity to object to the evidence being entered into the record (see pages 181-182 and 185 in this manual).

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187 Preparation of witnesses: ▪ To provide technical information. ▪ Give notice to other party. ▪ In LCMS system, panel makes final determination on number of witnesses and may select its own witnesses (give notice to parties on its own selection). ▪ See “Instructions to Witnesses for the Dispute Resolution Panel” in the Case Forms. Scheduling: ▪ Organized by the administrator in non-synodical disputes. ▪ Determined by the facilitator in LCMS system. ▪ Threshold questions: o How long should each meeting last? o How close together should meetings be scheduled? o When is the best time? o Accommodation and convenience vs. control (use “Dispute Resolution Scheduling” form in Case Forms). o Remind parties that the hearing will continue in their absence; it is critically important that they attend the hearing or make an appeal for a stay. ▪ In some cases, it may be wise to reserve dates and times for several meetings at the outset of the process; in other cases, more flexibility will be appropriate. ▪ Consider the needs of out-of-town parties, adjudicators (reconcilers and facilitators), or witnesses. Selection and preparation of meeting facilities ▪ Factors in selecting general location: o Location of parties, attorneys, adjudicators, and facilitator. o Location of witnesses, advisors, documents, and records. o Location of relevant property. o Place of performance of contract. o Place of previous court actions. ▪ Facility should be neutral, provide a feeling of safety, and conducive to arbitration. ▪ No distractions. Several web site programs offer a process for determining available days for scheduling.

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189 Adjudicator’s checklist __ Bible __ Most current edition of LCMS Handbook (Synod’s Constitution and Bylaws) and Standard Operating Procedures Manual or ICC Rules of Procedure, as appropriate __ Reconciling Under the Cross book __ Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean Bible study __ Confession & Forgiveness book __ Coaching bookmarks __ Forgiven to Forgive or A Reason for Hope devotion booklet __ Luther’s Small Catechism __ Hymnals for everyone for devotions __ Proclaiming God’s Forgiveness pamphlets __ Case file, including any agreements signed, statement of issues, and client information forms* __ Written agenda (could be handout or on flipchart) __ Any necessary forms (e.g., Record of Dispute Resolution Hearing, Instructions to Witnesses for the Dispute Resolution Panel, Decision of the Dispute Resolution Panel) __ Check the room for set up and comfort: __ Clean and uncluttered __ Room temperature __ Lighting * Never leave the case file unattended on the arbitration table!

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190 3. Finalizing Issue Statements Crucial to the Process In adjudication, carefully worded issue statements are crucial for reaching sound decisions. Issue statements directly impact the following: ▪ Decisions must be made on the issues identified. Thus, they limit the specific authority that an adjudicator has in making decisions. ▪ Parties prepare their evidence based on the specific issues agreed upon. ▪ If issue statements are poorly written, the decision will likely fail to adequately resolve the most important issues. Preparation of issue statements for non-synodical disputes In non-synodical disputes, the administrator works together with the parties (and their attorneys) to finalize the wording of issue statements prior to the hearing: ▪ Must be agreed to by both parties as part of the arbitration agreement. ▪ Necessary for parties to prepare for the arbitration hearing. ▪ Necessary for arbitrators to hear the case and issue a fair decision. Preparation of issue statements for LCMS disputes ▪ In synodical disputes, the panel with guidance from its facilitator must define the issue statements according to the appropriate rules from the SOPM: o As soon as notification of the request has been made by the complainant for a Dispute Resolution Panel to be formed, the parties shall provide through the Office of the Secretary a written description of the issues and the desired remedies that they wish the panel to consider. o The panel shall review the issues and desired remedies submitted by the parties in addition to any issues identified by the reconciler in his/her report upon conclusion of the formal reconciliation meeting(s). o The panel shall make the final determination of the issues to be decided. ▪ The panel through its facilitator may need to hold a preliminary hearing to gather information necessary to make the final determination of the issues to be decided. ▪ Must be done well in advance of the hearing. ▪ Final issue statements must be given to parties so that they can properly prepare for the hearing. In adjudication, precise wording of the issue statements is critical. Issue statements determine what decisions will be made.

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191 Sample Issue Statements for LCMS Panels: For Jurisdictional Issues (cases where a party challenges the authority of a Panel) Note: Every Dispute Resolution Panel (DRP) should address this issue, even if the parties do not raise the issue. When the parties do not raise the issue, the DRP does not need to define it as an issue to be resolved, but the DRP should still document its basis for authority during the hearing and in its decision. In cases where the parties raise the issue, such parties are assured that the panel itself will allow the parties to present evidence on this matter, providing parties with opportunity to address the issue and increase process satisfaction. ▪ On what basis does this Dispute Resolution Panel have the authority to act in this matter? In answering this issue, the panel should answer two sub-issues with reference to specific articles, bylaws, and synodical convention actions (these questions should not be written out as sub-issues of the main question): o Does this panel have authority over the parties involved? o Does the panel have authority on the subject involved? For issues regarding any decision or action of a LCMS congregation Note: These types of issues must respect the autonomy of a congregation. See Constitution Article VII and the Synod’s bylaws. ▪ Appeal for an excommunication of a member from a LCMS congregation: Note: A Dispute Resolution Panel may only make a decision on excommunication appeals based on procedural questions and not on substance (see current Handbook and SOPM). o Should the action of _________________________ (name of congregation) regarding the excommunication of __________________ (name of individual appealing excommunication) be upheld, or should the congregation be advised to review and revise its action? In order to address this issue, the following sub-issue must be addressed: ▪ Did ___________________________ (name of congregation) properly follow its own procedures in its actions to excommunicate ____________ _______ (name of individual appealing excommunication)? Drafting a precise issue statement is critical. If issue statements do not follow these basic guidelines, they could put the entire decision in jeopardy and create legal complications for everyone involved.

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192 If a congregation terminated membership of a member but claims that it did not excommunicate the person, then the following sub-issue must also be addressed: ▪ Was the action of _______________________ (name of congregation) in essence an action to excommunicate ____________________ (name of individual appealing excommunication)? ▪ Removal of any synodical member (pastor, teacher, other called worker, etc.) from his or her position in the congregation or school: o Should the decision of ________________________ (name of congregation) to remove ______________________ (name of worker) from the position of ____________________ be upheld, or should the congregation be advised to review and revise its decision? In order to address this issue, two sub-issues must be considered: ▪ Did the congregation follow its prescribed procedures in removing ____________________ (name of worker) from the position of ____________________? ▪ Is there sufficient reason according to the congregation’s constitution and bylaws, or according to Synod’s constitution and bylaws, for removing _____________________ (name of worker) from his/her position? ▪ For issues of complaint against a congregation from another congregation: o Under the Synod’s constitution, bylaws, or convention actions, should the action (decision) of __________________________ (name of congregation) to _______________________ (description of the specific act or decision) be upheld, or should the congregation be advised to review and revise its action (decision)? For issues regarding any decision or action of a district or other synod-controlled organization or auxiliary or recognized service organization ▪ Removal of any synodical member (pastor, teacher, other called worker, etc.) from his or her position in the synod, district, or other synod-controlled organization or auxiliary or recognized service organization: o Should the decision of ________________________ (name of organization) to remove ______________________ (name of worker) from the position of ____________________ be upheld, or should the decision be reversed and _________________________ (name of worker) be reinstated?

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193 In order to address this issue, two sub-issues must be considered: ▪ Did the ________________________ (name of organization) follow its prescribed procedures in removing ____________________ (name of worker) from the position of ____________________? ▪ Is there sufficient reason according to the Synod’s (or other organization) constitution and bylaws for removing _____________________ (name of worker) from his/her position? ▪ For issues of complaint against one organization from another organization: o Under the Synod’s constitution, bylaws, or convention actions, should the action (decision) of __________________________ (name of organization) to _______________________ (description of the specific act or decision) be upheld, or should the action (decision) be reversed? For issues regarding the expulsion from membership in the synod ▪ Removal of any synodical individual member (pastor, teacher, other called worker, etc.) from membership in the Synod: o Should the suspension of ________________________ (name of member) be upheld, or should the decision to suspend be overturned and the individual’s membership in Synod reinstated? In order to address this issue, two sub-issues must be considered: ▪ Did the ________________________ (name of office suspending the member) follow Synod’s prescribed procedures in suspending____________________ (name of worker)? ▪ Is there sufficient reason according to the Synod’s constitution and bylaws for removing _____________________ (name of worker) from membership in Synod? ▪ Removal of any synodical congregational member from membership in the Synod: o Should the suspension of ________________________ (name of congregation) be upheld, or should the decision to suspend be overturned and the congregation’s membership in Synod reinstated? In order to address this issue, two sub-issues must be considered: ▪ Did the ________________________ (name of office suspending the member congregation) follow Synod’s prescribed procedures in suspending____________________ (name of congregation)?

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194 ▪ Is there sufficient reason according to the Synod’s constitution and bylaws for removing _____________________ (name of congregation) from membership in Synod? ▪ Removal of any synodical district president or officer from membership in the Synod: o Should the suspension of ________________________ (name of individual) be upheld, or should the decision to suspend be overturned and the individual’s membership in Synod reinstated? In order to address this issue, two sub-issues must be considered: ▪ Did the ________________________ (name of office suspending the member congregation) follow Synod’s prescribed procedures in suspending____________________ (name of individual)? ▪ Is there sufficient reason according to the Synod’s constitution and bylaws for removing _____________________ (name of individual) from membership in Synod? For issues regarding lack of agreement between CCM and Board of Directors on whether a matter interpreting Synod’s Constitution, Bylaws, and resolutions that pertain to business, legal, or property matters is governed by the laws of the state of Missouri ▪ Is the matter of ________________________ (description of matter under dispute) governed by the laws of the state of Missouri and thus subject to the decision of the Board of Directors, or is the matter not governed by the laws of the state of Missouri and thus subject to the decision of the Commission on Constitutional Matters? For the issue of an appeal panel for reconsideration of a decision by a dispute resolution panel (1.10.8) ▪ Should the request for reconsideration of ________________________ (identification of decision) be approved and the matter heard before a Review Panel, or should the request be denied and therefore the decision of the Dispute Resolution Panel be regarding as final and binding upon the parties to the dispute?

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195 For the issue of an appeal panel for reconsideration of a decision by a hearing panel (Bylaw 2.14.8 and Bylaw 2.17.8) ▪ Should the request for reconsideration of ________________________ (identification of decision) be approved and the matter heard before a Final Hearing Panel, or should the request be denied and therefore the decision of the Hearing Panel be regarded as final and binding upon the parties to the dispute? Other Issues Other issues may be considered by the panel. For example, in the case of termination of employment, an issue statement might be: ▪ What restitution, if any, is owed by either party in this dispute to the other? A panel may require that a synod-controlled entity make restitution. Note, however, that a panel may be limited in requiring restitution from a congregation to someone because of that congregation’s autonomy. In such cases, the panel may decide that a member (pastor, called worker, congregation) is advised to make restitution, or in the failure thereof, such member might face potential action of suspension from the membership roster of synod. A similar principle applies when applied to an auxiliary or recognized service organization, which are independent from Synod. Such an organization may face losing their special relationship to Synod. ▪ Where the bylaws on dispute resolution do not specifically prescribe remedy for resolving certain disputes, parties may agree to have a dispute resolution panel decide such issues by signing a mediation, adjudication, arbitration, or mediation/arbitration agreement that specifically provides a system for addressing other issues. However, the parties may be responsible for any additional costs and fees incurred for such issues. Help Is Available for Drafting Issue Statements Please contact the Secretary of Synod on how to proceed in such cases or call Ambassadors of Reconciliation under the synod’s consultation agreement to acquire forms and receive advice on how to frame the issues. Ambassadors of Reconciliation may also be available to administrate special cases for reconcilers or panels. For help on drafting issue statements or other reconciler processes, please contact us: Ambassadors of Reconciliation 844/447-2671 mail@aorhope.org Note Bylaw 1.10.3 For entities not owned by Synod, ask parties to sign an arbitration agreement with restitution as an issue. This provides the authority necessary to make a binding decision.

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196 4. The Adjudication Hearing Parties and adjudicators are prepared for the hearing. The statement of issues has been written and approved by the parties, and the parties have planned their testimony including their witnesses. Notice has been provided for the time and date of the hearing. The adjudication panel organizes the site for the hearing.  Note that this process is more formal than mediation; an arrow  marks major differences between mediation and adjudication processes. Who is present? ▪ Parties. ▪ Legal counsel or other advisors. ▪ Supporters.   Witnesses (usually not present in mediations or Formal Reconciliation Meetings). ▪ Adjudicators (reconcilers).   Facilitators (LCMS system). In LCMS system, only the parties and one advisor for each party may attend the hearing, plus the witnesses allowed by the Panel. The Panel may ask witnesses to wait outside the hearing until the time of their testimony. If witnesses wait outside the hearing room and the hearing is long, the Panel should remember to occasionally update witnesses on the process and continue to estimate the time when they will be called upon. Recordings Rules on recordings are the same as mediation and Formal Reconciliation Meetings, but usually not an issue. ▪ In non-LCMS system, recordings are normally discouraged because of confidentiality issues. Use of such recordings is limited (refer to Rules 35 and 16 of ICC’s Guidelines for Christian Conciliation). ▪ In LCMS system, an audio recording may only be made by a panel for its use for responding to specific questions — parties are prohibited from making any recording other than their personal notes (refer to LCMS SOPM).

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197  The Hearing Agenda ▪ Introduction: o The facilitator officially opens the hearing. o Greetings and introductions. o Review agenda. o Statement of ground rules. o Opening devotions. ▪ Oath (optional – not used in the LCMS system). ▪ Statement of issues to be decided. ▪ Opening statements. ▪ Presentation of initiating party’s evidence, including witnesses if any, and cross-examination. ▪ Presentation of responding party’s evidence, including witnesses if any, and cross-examination. ▪ Final questioning by adjudicators. ▪ Adjudicators may make appeal to parties to make their own decision. ▪ Closing statements (summary) by parties. ▪ Closing statements by arbitrators. ▪ The adjudicator (LCMS: facilitator) officially closes the hearing and states that no more evidence will be allowed (unless specific items have been requested by the panel). ▪ Closing prayer. ▪ Decision is written and delivered to parties. Greetings and ground rules (Introductory remarks by panel leader) See sample facilitator opening statement for Dispute Resolution (or Review) Panel. ▪ Purpose: set the tone, explain the arbitration process, and set the parties at ease.   Welcome and formally open hearing; commend parties for utilizing Christian adjudicators (reconcilers) to make a decision for their dispute rather than a more adversarial process in front of unbelievers (1 Corinthians 6:1-11). o “As adjudicator (LCMS: facilitator), I officially open this adjudication

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198 (Dispute Resolution Panel, or Review Panel) hearing between __________ (party – the complainant) and ___________ (party – the respondent).”   Introduce all adjudicators (reconcilers), parties, and advisors. ▪ Clarify the roles of the adjudicators (reconcilers), parties, and advisors: o Parties are encouraged to represent themselves as much as possible (in LCMS system, parties must represent themselves).   The parties or the organization(s) they represent have empowered adjudicators (reconcilers) to make a binding decision for the parties. o Adjudicators are impartial toward parties, but not neutral regarding God's standards. o If attorneys are present with parties, remind them of their specific roles.   In non-LCMS system, attorney may represent his client, depending on specific agreements of parties; however, adjudicator may want to encourage clients to represent themselves as much as possible.  In LCMS system, attorneys are advisors who cannot represent parties. o An adjudicator (reconciler) who is an attorney, pastor, or ecclesiastical supervisor serves only as an adjudicator (reconciler); not as an attorney, pastor, or ecclesiastical supervisor. ▪ Explain the procedures to be followed and review the agenda of the hearing:   Remind parties that they have agreed to an arbitration (if arbitration agreement has been signed) or that their organization has provided a system (if adjudication or arbitration clause in contract, or organization provides for dispute resolution system) where their dispute will be heard and decided by Christian adjudicators (or reconcilers in LCMS). o In addition to deciding the issues, the purpose is: ▪ To please and honor God (God looks for our faithfulness, not the results). ▪ To help the parties learn and grow. ▪ To improve their understanding and, hopefully, their relationship.   State the issues to be decided. (Read the precisely prepared wording.) o Review the agenda (process).   Additional instructions:   No private meetings between individual parties and adjudicators (reconcilers).   Explain how witnesses will be presented. ▪ Explain whether witnesses can attend entire hearing or just when presenting evidence. ▪ If witnesses are not allowed during entire hearing, you may want them

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199 available for the introduction so they can hear ground rules and opening devotions; as an alternative, use “Instructions to Witnesses for the Dispute Resolution Panel” (LCMS Forms).   Remind parties that this process is legally binding (per their arbitration agreement, an arbitration clause, or organizational dispute resolution system such as LCMS Dispute Resolution Panel). ▪ If a party leaves in the middle of the process or refuses to participate, the process will continue in his/her absence and he/she will still be bound by the decision.   Even though parties are in adjudication, they are encouraged to request a recess to meet together to mediate their issues, including substantive and personal issues. ▪ You may want to have a separate mediator (reconciler) available in another room or in town who would be available for them. ▪ Adjudicators (arbitrators) cannot serve as mediators.   State the time allowed for the hearing and any continuances which may have been scheduled.   Adjudicators (reconcilers) cannot be called to divulge any documents or to testify in regard to the adjudication (dispute resolution process) in any judicial or adversarial proceeding (Rule 16 of ICC’s Rules or LCMS SOPM). ▪ Explain ground rules for conduct: o Respectful communication — no name calling (Ephesians 4:29). o Expect honesty — full and open communication (Matthew 5:37). o Speak as specifically as possible (as compared to broad generalizations). o No interruptions (make notes to aid memory). o Options for breaks and private meetings (no disruptive departures). o Parties are responsible for filing legal documents (if appropriate in this case).   Normally do not need to ask if the parties would like to add any ground rules.   Ask if there are any questions on ground rules. Note that in adjudication you do not ask for their agreement to ground rules—it is not voluntary! ▪ Open with devotions—hymn (optional), Scripture reading and prayer. Although adjudicators encourage parties to reconcile, including using mediation, the reconcilers cannot act as mediators. Note that in adjudication you do not ask for their agreement to ground rules—it is not voluntary!

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200 Sample Facilitator Opening Statement for a Dispute Resolution (or Review) Panel [This is presented by the facilitator on behalf of the panel. The facilitator leads the hearing throughout, but panel members may make comments and ask questions. Although it is preferable not to have witnesses present during the hearing, the facilitator may ask the witnesses to be present during these opening statements to hear all necessary instructions, and then dismiss them until they are requested before continuing the hearing.] Good morning. I am ______________, and I have been appointed to serve as the facilitator of this Dispute Resolution Panel [or, Review Panel]. On behalf of the panel, I welcome you. I call to order this hearing between _________ as complainant and __________ as respondent. I commend you for coming together in this forum to work out your dispute. You are following the admonition of St. Paul in his letter to the Corinthians when he urged them to have their disputes settled by fellow Christians. [Read 1 Corinthians 6:1-4.] You are here as Christian brothers and sisters to present your case to a panel of fellow believers who will make a binding decision on the issues that have been identified. It is our hope today that as you present your cases, you will each focus on your personal responsibility in the conflict and make every effort to be reconciled to each other. Although the panel will decide the substantive issues for you, it cannot make a decision that you will confess any wrongs, grant any forgiveness, or reconcile your personal relationship. Let me introduce our panel members. [Introduce each member by name, including yourself, indicating professional background.] As you know, each of us as your facilitator and panel members have been selected to serve on your panel according to the bylaws of synod. Would each party please introduce himself or herself and your advisor to the panel, giving names and occupational backgrounds? We begin with the complainant. [Pause for their introductions.] [If witnesses are present…] Parties will introduce their respective witnesses at the time they present their testimony. Witnesses are welcome to remain to hear these opening statements and ground rules, and then they will be dismissed until it is time to give their individual testimonies. Let me briefly remind you of each of our roles today. In the hearing, each party must represent himself or herself. Your advisor may not speak on your behalf. The Lutheran Church—Missouri Synod, through its bylaws, has empowered this panel to make a binding decision for you as parties. As the facilitator, I will lead this hearing Note that the facilitator officially opens the hearing with a specific statement.

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201 and assist the panel in the process. I will not participate in making the panel’s decision, but I may advise the panel as to format of writing their decision. As facilitator and panel, our role is to remain impartial toward each party, but we will judge your words and actions against God’s standards as found in Scripture and according to the appropriate bylaws or other rules of Synod. [If a facilitator or panel member is an attorney] Although I [or name of panel member] is an attorney by professional background, as a facilitator [reconciler] I [he or she] cannot serve as a legal advisor for either party. I will now review the agenda and process we will follow in today’s hearing. [Refer to agenda you have written on a flip chart or written agenda you hand out. See “Agenda” in Case Forms.] As you can see, we have already completed our introductions, and now we are reviewing the process on our agenda. Next, I will give some special instructions and explain the ground rules, and we will open with devotions. The issues to be decided will be read, after which each of you will have an opportunity to give a brief opening statement. Beginning with the complainant, each party will then present his or her claims, defenses, and witnesses. As each of you presents your case, the other party will be given an opportunity to ask questions of you and your witnesses. The panel members will also ask questions as they assess and clarify the situation. As the panel evaluates what is presented, the members may review relevant biblical and confessional principles with you. As this hearing progresses, you may wish to meet privately with each other as parties to attempt to work out your own decision. Even if you only work on some of the issues, we will encourage you to do so. We especially encourage you to confess your wrongs to each other and offer forgiveness for your personal offenses. Next, the panel will ask its final questions and you will each present your closing statements. I will then give you final instructions, explaining what will happen next in the process. After that, the hearing will close in prayer. Within 30 days after the close of the hearing, the panel will issue its written decision, which shall state the facts determined by the panel and the reasons for its decision. A copy of the decision will be forwarded to each party in the dispute, the Secretary of the Synod, the President of the Synod, and the President of your district(s). Today’s hearing will continue until finished or until ____________ (time). If we are not finished by that time, the hearing will continue on _____________ (day) at _________ (time). There will be no caucusing or private meetings between individual parties and the Dispute Resolution Panel [or, Review Panel] or its members.

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202 [If witnesses are present…] Witnesses will not be allowed to attend the hearing except when individual witnesses are presenting their testimony. We appreciate the witnesses being here, and we will attempt to keep you informed when you may be called for testimony. If witnesses have particular scheduling problems, please inform the party who asked you to be here, and the party can request me as facilitator to accommodate any scheduling difficulties. I remind you that this process is legally binding, and you are expected to attend the entire hearing. Should a party decide to leave in the middle of the process or not show up for a continuance of the hearing, the hearing will continue in that party’s absence, and both parties will continue to be bound by the decision. The facilitator and members of this panel cannot be called to testify in regard to this dispute resolution process in any judicial or adversarial proceeding. Here are a few ground rules to guide your conduct today. First, I ask that you talk in a respectful manner as you talk about each other and to each other. As Paul urges us in Ephesians 4:29, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” Second, we expect everyone to be honest and to give full and complete information on the issues we are discussing. As Jesus said in Matthew 5:37, “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.” It is important that you speak as specifically as possible and avoid using broad generalizations. Third, I ask that you not interrupt one another. If you hear something you disagree with, instead of interrupting, please write your concerns on the note pad in front of you so you can bring the matter up when it is your turn to speak. Panel members may interrupt someone to enforce ground rules, to clarify something, or because of time constraints. Finally, anyone can request a break at any time. However, please refrain from disruptive departures, which are another form of interrupting. If you need a break, just ask the panel if we can adjourn for a little while. The restrooms are located _______, and there is a phone available __________. Do you have any questions about today’s agenda or the process in general? [Pause for responses.] Let’s take a moment to hear from God’s Word and ask His blessing on our meeting together. [Plan devotions that include a reading from Scripture and a prayer. You may also want to include a hymn. You may want to ask panel members to lead the devotions rather than the facilitator.]

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204  Oath ▪ Administering the oath to parties and witnesses (if required by law)—not applicable in LCMS system.  Statement of issues to be decided   Statement of issues is read by the adjudicator (LCMS: facilitator): Transition: “The issues to be decided are...” Opening statements by the parties   Transition: “Each of you may provide a brief opening statement. Please keep your statement to less than 2 minutes. We will begin with _______________, the complainant in this case.” ▪ Purpose: Give each party a chance to say something early in the process. ▪ Provide guidance for the opening statements: o Preferably prepared in advance (inform the parties before the hearing to prepare an opening statement). o Brief (1-2 minutes). Once the opening has been completed, the hearing is ready for the main section in which evidence is received, including oral testimony, documents, and witnesses. In order for the adjudicator(s) to make a fair and just ruling, the presentation of evidence by both parties is key. The main purpose for receiving evidence is for the adjudicator(s) to learn about pertinent information in order to render a just decision. As each party presents his/her evidence, questions by the other party and adjudicator(s) serve this purpose. Unlike television court dramas, the purpose of questioning is not to trick a party in admitting guilt, but rather for the godly determination of what would be a just decision. Presentation of initiating party’s (complainant’s) evidence See section below on “Special consideration for receiving evidence.” The initiating party provides his/her evidence for the case, which includes all oral testimony, all documents, property to be examined, and the oral testimony of witnesses. Evidence also includes answers to questions by the panel and other party.   Similar to story telling in mediation, but more formal.

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205   Presentation includes witnesses, if any, and cross-examination by other party. o Civil rules of evidence guide but do not control (e.g., hearsay may be allowed but given less weight than other evidence). o Biblical rules do apply (e.g., commandments). o Invite reasonable questions by other party: ▪ Encourage parties to ask questions, but instruct them not to debate. Their questions should seek to determine truth, while treating each other in love. Remind them that Scripture calls us to restore with gentleness (Galatians 6:1; see also 1 Timothy 2:24-26). ▪ Monitor power imbalances and correct as needed. A strong party may use this opportunity to attack, bully, or belittle a weaker party. Allowing such behavior to continue will further harm relationships. It may also inhibit important testimony from a weaker party that could prevent rendering a just decision. On the other hand, do not protect a party from answering difficult questions. ▪ If questioning by a party becomes unreasonable, the facilitator or another adjudicator should interrupt to have the panel ask questions for a while, explaining that the other party will have another opportunity to ask any questions not covered by the adjudication panel. This will give the adjudicators opportunity to ask similar questions in a gentler way, which is more likely to result in helpful answers. o Witnesses: ▪ Invite witnesses to attend one at a time when their testimony is required, then excuse them. (This keeps process more confidential and discourages witnesses from changing their testimony based on what they may hear during others’ testimony.) ▪ Weigh both expert and non-expert witness testimony. ▪ May be questioned by both parties and adjudicators (panel members). ▪ Panel may use subpoena power. (In LCMS, panels may ask any member of Synod to testify in a hearing. See SOPM.)  Special Consideration for Receiving Evidence In mediation, evidence is important for improving understanding between the parties. While helpful for the mediators, it is most important for the parties. In adjudication, evidence is crucial for the adjudicators in rendering a fair and just decision. While helpful for the parties, it is most important for the adjudicators. Receiving evidence requires much more formality in adjudication than in mediation. See sample statements for transition and receiving evidence. Some adjudicators may refer to the other party’s questions as cross-examination. While this may be technically accurate, it may suggest an adversarial approach that parties have viewed on TV court dramas. To avoid one party attempting to trip up or trap the other party, avoid using the term cross-examination. Instead, encourage parties to ask questions to help clarify and portray an accurate account.

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206 ▪ Evidence includes oral testimony by parties and witnesses, written documents, photographs, or any other physical items presented. ▪ As an adjudicator or panel hears and weighs evidence, it is looking for two components: o Evidence that is reliable: easily documented or proven. For example: ▪ Second or third hand evidence is not as reliable as first hand testimony. ▪ Written letters from persons who are not present cannot be questioned and therefore are usually not as reliable as live witnesses that can be questioned. o Evidence that is relevant: relates directly to the issues to be decided. ▪ Some evidence presented by parties may be important to them but not relevant to the prepared issues and the adjudicator’s decision. ▪ The adjudicator or facilitator formally receives each piece of written evidence: o Before accepting any written evidence into the record, the adjudicator or facilitator asks if the other party has received a copy. If not, the evidence is not accepted until the other party is given a copy and time to review it. o Before accepting the evidence into the record, the adjudicator or facilitator asks the other party if they have any objection to the evidence being presented: ▪ If yes, the adjudicator asks for the reason and gives the original party an opportunity to respond, then makes a ruling on accepting or not accepting evidence into the record. ▪ If no, the adjudicator or facilitator makes a decision on whether or not to receive the evidence into the record. (For LCMS system, the panel has the final right to decide whether or not evidence is received if it disagrees with the facilitator.) o In almost every case, it is best to receive all evidence that has been given to the other party, even if it is weak evidence: ▪ For process satisfaction of the presenting party. ▪ If the other party opposes the presentation of the evidence, or if the evidence is weak (not reliable or relevant), the adjudicator or facilitator may say, “I will receive this evidence into the record, and it will be given the weight it deserves.” ▪ If a party is giving extensive copies of similar evidence, the adjudicator or facilitator may determine that no more such evidence will be accepted by saying, “This evidence is similar to much of the same that has already been presented. Unless you can demonstrate that this provides any new information that is both reliable and relevant, I will not accept any more evidence on this point.” The panel seeks evidence that is: ▪ Reliable ▪ Relevant

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207 o When accepting any written evidence, the adjudicator (facilitator) formally announces he is receiving the evidence into the record and assigns a number to it. See sample statement on receiving evidence. Presentation of responding party’s (respondent’s) evidence ▪ Similar to presentation of initiating party’s (complainant’s) evidence above. Inspection by adjudicators (reconcilers) of property involved ▪ Be sure to include property inspection in your planning and scheduling. Final questioning by adjudicators (reconcilers) ▪ Adjudicators (reconcilers) may present scriptural admonition to encourage parties to reconcile and strive to reach agreement on their own.  Adjudicators (reconcilers) may make appeal to parties to make their own decision During the hearing, adjudicators may sense that the parties may be open to meeting one more time for reconciliation. This is often possible during adjudication because the reality of adjudication begins to set in as the hearing proceeds. The adjudicator(s) may make an appeal to the parties any time during the process where deemed appropriate. It can also happen near the end as the adjudicator(s) describe the process for issuing the final decision. ▪ Adjudicators (reconcilers) may leave room or invite parties to meet in another room. ▪ Adjudicators (reconcilers) may have pre-arranged to have a mediator (reconciler) available to assist parties through mediation. ▪ Adjudicators (facilitator and panel members) may not help mediate parties because it would violate just process.

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208  Closing statements (summary) by parties ▪ May be given in hearing. ▪ In more complex cases, especially where time constraints are involved, may be given in written brief: o With copies to adjudicator (facilitator who will forward material to reconcilers) and other party. o By deadline established by adjudicator (panel).  Closing statements by adjudicator (reconcilers) See sample facilitator closing statement for a Dispute Resolution Panel and Review Panel. ▪ Explain decision process to parties, telling parties when decision will be completed and how it will be delivered. o In LCMS Dispute Resolution System, issued within 30 days, with copies to parties, Secretary of the Synod, President of the Synod, and President(s) of the parties’ district(s). ▪ In LCMS Dispute Resolution System, briefly explain the appeal process and potential basis for appeal in a Dispute Resolution Panel.  Adjudicator (LCMS: facilitator) officially closes the hearing ▪ The adjudicator (LCMS: facilitator) officially closes the hearing and states that no more evidence will be allowed (unless specific items have been requested by the panel). Closing prayer  Decision is issued ▪ Decision is written and delivered to parties within the agreed time (In LCMS, 30 days). Bylaw 1.10.7.4 (b)

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209 Sample transition statement for presentation of evidence We are now moving into the phase where each party will present its evidence, including oral testimony, records, and witnesses. As you make your presentation, be aware that the adjudicator [or panel] is looking for evidence that is both reliable and relevant. Reliable evidence is that information which is most easily documented or proven. For example, eyewitness testimony and first hand testimony are more reliable than second or third hand information. Relevant evidence is that information which most directly applies to the issues being decided. Thus, it is important that you tell the adjudicator (panel) why this information is relevant to the issues in this case. Remember that this applies not only to written documents that you may present, but also to your oral testimony and to your witnesses’ testimony. Finally, we will not receive any written evidence into the record unless the other party has received a copy of it and has time to review it. If you have any written evidence to present and have not given it to the other party, please do so now. If necessary, we will take a recess to allow each party to review the evidence to be presented. Any questions on presenting evidence? [Answer questions.] We will proceed with the complainant’s [or initiating party’s] presentation of evidence.

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210 Sample statements for receiving evidence Has the other party received this evidence? [wait for answer; if no, require that copy be shared and provide time for him to review it.] Do you [the other party] have any objections to this evidence being presented? [If no, consider the evidence and decide whether or not to receive it. If yes, ask for explanation from the other party and response from the presenting party, and then decide whether or not to receive it.] [If you decide to receive it:] We will receive this document as evidence and will record it as item number ____. [Mark documents with a letter designating the party who presented it, followed by a number. For example: I-3 for initiating party, 3rd document; Or, C-2, for complainant party, 2nd document.] Please tell us how this evidence is relevant to the issues. [If you decide to receive the evidence, but want to communicate a concern that the evidence does not appear to be very relevant or reliable:] We will receive this document as evidence and will record it as item number ____. [Mark documents with a letter designating the party who presented it, followed by a number. For example: I-3 for initiating party, 3rd document; Or, C-2, for complainant party, 2nd document.] We will give the evidence the weight it deserves. Please tell us why you believe this evidence is reliable and relevant to the issues. [If you decide not to receive the evidence (CAUTION: It is usually best to receive most evidence for personal satisfaction and because it may contain something that is important to the case, whether or not the party presenting it can explain that to you. You likely will not know for sure until you have seen it.):] We will not receive that evidence into the record. Please continue with your next evidence. [If you decide not to receive the evidence because you think you have received more than sufficient evidence on that particular point already:] We have received sufficient evidence for that particular point. Thus, unless you can persuade us that this information is distinctly different or proves a different point, we will not receive more of that type of evidence into the record. In LCMS system, the parties are “complainant” and “respondent” or “supervisor” and “accused.”

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211 Sample Facilitator Closing Statement for a Dispute Resolution Panel [Note: The closing statement for a Review Panel is similar except for the language regarding appeals. There are no appeals for a Review Panel decision. See the next page for Review Panel closing statement.] Having heard your testimonies, the Dispute Resolution Panel will take all the information it has and make a decision on the issues defined at the beginning of the hearing. Within 30 days [if applicable add: after the receipt of your final briefs16], the panel will issue its written decision, which shall state the facts determined by the panel and the reasons for its decision. The decision shall not be publicized in any manner before the written decision is issued or an appeal is contemplated or pending. A copy of the decision will be forwarded to each party in the dispute, the Secretary of the Synod, the President of the Synod, and the President(s) of ___________ District(s). The decision of this Dispute Resolution Panel shall be binding upon the parties to this dispute subject to request for review. It shall have no precedential value. After the time has expired for possible review, it shall be publicized as deemed appropriate under the circumstances by the District or Synodical President. This may include notifying a party’s pastor or congregation to continue to encourage reconciliation efforts or application of church discipline. Within 15 days after receiving a copy of the panel’s decision, you may request that the decision be reconsidered. If you do so, you must mail your request to the Secretary of the Synod, each member of the Panel, and the other parties indicating the basis for your request. An Appeal Panel will be chosen to review your request and make a final decision to approve your request for review or deny it. If the Appeal Panel denies the request for reconsideration, the decision of the Dispute Resolution Panel stands and shall be binding upon the parties and not subject to any further review. If the Appeal Panel approves the request for reconsideration, the matter will be reviewed by a Review Panel. A decision may be reconsidered only under limited circumstances as described in the Standard Operating Procedures Manual under “Appeal Panel.” During the 15-day period and any subsequent time required for an Appeal Panel and Review Panel, no publicity shall be given about this dispute. You will find details of this process in the Standard Operating Procedures Manual and the Bylaws of the Synod. This hearing is now closed. The panel will not accept any more evidence. We will now close this hearing with prayer. 16 Remember that if you accept briefs after the hearing, the facilitator must ascertain that all parties received copies of each others’ briefs. This should only be done in extremely complicated cases. Note that the facilitator officially closes the hearing.

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212 Sample Facilitator Closing Statement for a Review Panel [Note: The closing statement for a Dispute Resolution Panel is similar except for the language regarding appeals. There are no appeals for a Review Panel decision. See previous page for Dispute Resolution Panel closing statement.] Having heard your testimonies, the Review Panel will take all the information it has and make a decision on the issues defined at the beginning of the hearing. Within 30 days [if applicable add: after the receipt of your final briefs17], the panel will issue its written decision, which shall state the facts determined by the panel and the reasons for its decision. The decision shall not be publicized in any manner before the written decision is issued. A copy of the decision will be forwarded to each party in the dispute, the Secretary of the Synod, the President of the Synod, and the President of ___________ District(s). The decision of this Review Panel shall be binding upon the parties to this dispute and is not subject to appeal. It shall have no precedential value. It shall be publicized as deemed appropriate under the circumstances by the District or Synodical President. This may include notifying a party’s pastor or congregation to continue to encourage reconciliation efforts or application of church discipline. Until the decision is issued, no publicity shall be given about this dispute. You will find details of this process in the Standard Operating Procedures Manual and the Bylaws of the Synod. This hearing is now closed. The panel will not accept any more evidence. We will now close this hearing with prayer. 17 Remember that if you accept briefs after the hearing, the facilitator must ascertain that all parties received copies of each others’ briefs. This should only be done in extremely complicated cases. Note that the facilitator officially closes the hearing.

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213 5. Decisions and Awards For the parties, the decision will bring finality to a long-standing dispute. They will be anxiously waiting to learn what the adjudicators decided and how they reached that decision. The decision usually results in significant impact to the lives of the parties, their families, and others affected. Adjudicators need to take the time and care when drafting their decision. The decision needs to meet specific requirements of justice and fully address every issue identified. When drafting the decision, an adjudicator should consider how best to serve the parties as they read it. General guidelines ▪ Standard of justice is based on: o According to Scripture, citing appropriate verses and describing application o According to civil law, contract provisions, bylaws, and other agreements, citing appropriate references or quoting specific provisions. o ICC Rule 4 covers conflict of laws (Scripture is supreme). ▪ Majority decision (what if arbitrators’ decision is not unanimous?) o In non-LCMS system, the decision shall be decided by majority vote. o In LCMS system, a majority of panel members shall constitute a quorum, and the decision of the matter shall be decided by majority vote. o Special considerations if the decision is not unanimous. ▪ In LCMS system, minority opinions are not allowed. ▪ Beware of the tendency to: o Show favoritism to the weak or poor (Leviticus 19:15; Deuteronomy 10:17-18). o Show favoritism to the strong and powerful (16:18-20; 2 Chronicles 19:4-7). o Compromise (split the difference) out of fear of offending someone or simply to obtain a settlement. If one party is primarily liable for a problem, he or she should take full responsibility for his or her choices. Timing ▪ Tell the parties when the decision will be issued and how it will be communicated. ▪ In non-LCMS situation, usually issued in writing within 60 days (see ICC You shall do no injustice in court. You shall not be partial to the poor or defer to the great, but in righteousness shall you judge your neighbor. Leviticus 19:15

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215 Powers and limitations ▪ Adjudicators may have broad powers, but the decision is limited by the issues identified. While drafting, adjudicators should consider: o Does decision fall within scope of arbitration agreement and/or identified issues? ▪ Carefully read the issues while writing the decision. ▪ While limited to decisions on the identified issues, decisions are not limited to the specific remedies or reliefs requested by the parties (see ICC Rule 40). o In LCMS system, does decision fall within the limited authority allowed to panels? ▪ Consider example of case where decision was outside of dispute resolution panel’s specific powers under the bylaws. How much detail should be included in decision? ▪ In non-LCMS arbitrations, should decision include reasons for decision? o Not required in ICC Rules (see Rule 40.D.) o Benefits to include reasoning: • Helps parties to understand what major factors were considered and how conclusions were reached. • May provide teaching opportunity. • May help parties accept the decision. • Parties have invested a significant amount of time, emotional energy, and financial resources leading up to the adjudication. A reasoned decision will provide more process satisfaction than a simple unreasoned decision. o Disadvantages to include reasoning: • It takes the adjudicator more time to prepare a well-written reasoned decision. • If written poorly, a party may find reason to appeal the decision. • Even if well written, a party may find fault with the reasoning and be less satisfied. • May result in a party feeling that he or she was not heard. ▪ In LCMS system, requirements for including reasons vary by type of Panel: o A decision by Dispute Resolution Panel “shall state the facts determined by the Panel and the reasons for its decision.” Note Bylaw 1.10.18.

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216 o A decision by the Appeal Panel need only include “its decision as to the request for reconsideration.” o A decision by a Review Panel “shall state the facts determined by the panel and its reasons for its decision.” o When including reasons, wisdom should dictate how many reasons and how much detail: ▪ Take into consideration the complexity and/or severity of the case. ▪ Consider what items will subject the decision to review by an Appeal Panel. ▪ Consider the “Golden Rule”: If you were the parties, what would you want to know? ▪ In general, include items that support your decision and leave out details of less important items. o Include scriptural reasons, admonitions, and encouragement, especially those used in the hearing. How are decisions communicated? ▪ In non-LCMS situations, decisions are made in writing and sent to parties. ▪ In LCMS systems, decisions are made in writing, sent to each party, and: o The Secretary of the Synod. o The President of the Synod. o The President(s) of the parties’ District(s). o The final decision shall be publicized as deemed appropriate under the circumstances by the District or Synodical president, which may include notifying a party’s pastor or congregation to continue to encourage reconciliation efforts or application of church discipline. ▪ Remember to maintain confidentiality. ▪ Upon motion by a party, award may be confirmed by the state court and enforced like any other judgment of the court (e.g., attachment and sale by sheriff). Motions for reconsideration in non-LCMS situations ▪ Arbitration decisions are final and binding, and can be appealed only under unusual circumstances. ▪ Motions for reconsideration may be made by arbitrators or by parties. ▪ Grounds for modification: o Evident miscalculation or mistake in identification. o Arbitrators awarded upon a matter not submitted to them. o Award is imperfect in a matter of form not affecting the merits. ▪ Grounds for vacating: o Award was procured by corruption, fraud, or other undue means.

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218 Appeals for reconsideration in LCMS system ▪ May be made by parties or President of the Synod. ▪ Standards of review for Appeal Panels: o General principles: ▪ Goal of Appeal Panel is to determine if there are obvious errors in factual findings, conclusions of a theological nature, or interpretations of the Constitution and Bylaws. ▪ Purpose is not to act as a higher panel. ▪ Purpose is to prevent a miscarriage of justice, not to merely give the losing party a second chance. ▪ If approved, a new panel (Review Panel) will rehear the case, not the Appeal Panel. ▪ In order to be reviewed, an issue must have been raised before a Dispute Resolution Panel to be reviewed; issues not raised before cannot be appealed. o Factual findings: ▪ Appeal Panel reviews factual findings only to determine if supported by evidence. ▪ If there is supporting evidence, then decision should be sustained. ▪ Dispute Resolution Panel is in best position to judge factual issues since it reviewed evidence first hand. ▪ Appeal Panel should not rule on credibility of witnesses or other evidence. ▪ Factual finding can be overturned only if it is “clearly erroneous.” ▪ Appeal Panels cannot review factual issues “de novo” (hearing from the beginning). o Conclusions on authority: ▪ The Dispute Resolution Panel made a decision outside of its authority. ▪ The Dispute Resolution Panel made a decision that is contrary to Synod’s Constitution and Bylaws (a question of practice). ▪ The Dispute Resolution Panel made a decision that is contrary to Synod’s theological positions (a question of doctrine). o Discretionary acts: ▪ Appeal Panel cannot approve a request for reconsideration for an act that involves discretion on the part of a Dispute Resolution Panel unless there is a clear abuse of discretion. ▪ Abuse must be obvious, grossly violate fact and logic, or evident bias and prejudice. ▪ A decision will not be reconsidered if it is correct, even though it is based on erroneous grounds. ▪ A decision will be reconsidered if necessary to prevent a gross miscarriage of justice.

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219 Special Issues in Arbitration ▪ Temporary relief: o A party may request immediate temporary relief (temporary restraining order, preliminary injunction, etc.) to safeguard property or rights that are subject to a contract clause or agreement that requires arbitration or mediation/arbitration under ICC Rules (Rule 29). ▪ Handling an aggressive attorney. ▪ Handling a disruptive or adversarial party. ▪ Dealing with parties or attorneys who are entrenched in “legalese.” ▪ Rules of evidence—not the same as civil court. ▪ Remember to focus on process so that you can achieve at least the first two P’s: o Process satisfaction. o Personal satisfaction. o Even if the third “P” (product satisfaction) is not realized, achieving the first two minimizes the opportunity for appeal and provides for a lasting agreement without undue enforcement.

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220 Check List for Writing a Panel Decision (also useful for Appeal Panel review) Use the forms, “Decision of the Dispute Resolution Panel” or “Decision of Review Panel” from the LCMS Case Forms and the SOPM to write the decision. As you write or review a decision, answer the following questions: 1. Are the arrangements of the hearing documented? Specifically identify: ▪ Names of the complainant and the respondent. ▪ Hearing dates. ▪ Location of the hearing. ▪ Number of witnesses. ▪ Names of panel members and facilitator. ▪ Note if any party was absent during part or all of the hearing; if so, indicate that proper notice of the hearing was given and that it continued pursuant to the SOPM (note the specific reference). 2. Are the issues to be decided clearly stated in the decision? 3. Has the panel specified the facts, the panel’s conclusions, and the decisions of the panel for each issue? ▪ Stating one issue at a time, indicate under each issue: o The facts most pertinent to the issues; o The panel’s conclusions (or reasons) for its decisions based on the facts; o The final decision for that issue. 4. Did the panel make any decisions that were outside of its authority? 5. If any specific actions are required of the parties: ▪ Does the panel have the authority to make such requirements? ▪ Are the actions specifically described? ▪ Are the actions realistic? ▪ Are there specific dates by which each action must be completed? ▪ What are the specific consequences or procedures established for non-compliance? 6. For Dispute Resolution Panel decisions: ▪ Are there specific directions on how the decision might be appealed? 7. For Review Panel decisions: ▪ Is there specific instruction that this decision is final and not subject to further review? 8. Have all panel members signed the decision?

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221 LCMS: Additional guidelines for writing decisions ▪ Pray for God’s guidance and help throughout the writing process. ▪ Issue the decision within 30 days of the last day of the hearing. ▪ When stating the facts determined by the panel and its conclusions (reasons) for its decision: o Specify facts that are consistent with the evidence and applicable constitution articles, bylaws, and other rules or laws. o Avoid using evidence that is weak or insufficient (e.g., hearsay evidence). o Use only those facts that are pertinent to the decision. o It is not necessary to list every fact in the case—avoid making long lists of facts or listing minor details. o Include scriptural references for your reasons. o Ask yourself, “If an Appeal Panel reads this decision, would it conclude that the stated facts and reasons support the decision?” ▪ Compare your decisions against the authority given your panel: o Does the panel have the authority in the bylaws or rules to make each decision? o If there is any question on this area, seek advice: ▪ From the facilitator. ▪ From the Secretary of the Synod. ▪ From Ambassadors of Reconciliation. ▪ From the Commission on Constitutional Matters. ▪ From the Commission on Theology and Church Relations. o Has the panel made any unenforceable decisions? ▪ The panel cannot force anyone to make a confession. ▪ The panel cannot force anyone to forgive. ▪ The panel cannot force anyone to love or reconcile. ▪ Mail a copy of the decision as directed in the bylaws to: o Each party in the matter in dispute. o The Secretary of the Synod. o The President of the Synod. o The President(s) of the respective District(s).

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222 6. Post Adjudication Follow-up ▪ Individual coaching. ▪ Church involvement. Congregation involvement If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church (Matthew 18:17). When a spiritual life issue between Christians cannot be resolved through mediation or adjudication, the parties’ church or churches may need to exercise ecclesiastical authority (a.k.a. “church discipline”) to encourage repentance, reconciliation, and just agreements. ▪ If a dispute is handled from the outset by members or leaders of the parties’ church or churches, it is usually easier to move from Matthew 18:16 (“one or two others”) to Matthew 18:17 (“tell it to the church”). ▪ A case may be handled initially by reconcilers who are not members of the parties' churches, but who eventually request the assistance of the church in dealing with parties who demonstrate manifest unrepentance. This scenario is the primary focus of this section. ▪ Special provisions for LCMS Synodical Dispute Resolution System: o Reconcilers may involve the parties’ congregations, especially in the informal efforts to reconcile the parties. However, once parties participate in the more formal processes of Formal Reconciliation Meeting, Dispute Resolution Panel, Appeal Panel, and Review Panel, a reconciler is limited in how he or she communicates about the case with others, including the parties’ congregations. (See Rules on “Confidentiality” in the SOPM). o The SOPM Rule, “Involvement of a Party’s Congregation,” provides that “When a final decision is rendered that indicates that a party, including an officer of a district or the Synod, has failed to acknowledge and confess a serious sin and fails to demonstrate repentance, the ecclesiastical supervisor shall forward a copy of the decision to that party’s congregation, urging the congregation to review the matter and take appropriate steps to fulfill its scriptural and Synod-related responsibilities.” ▪ Thus, it is important that a decision reflect the concern of the panel, but it must use caution that it only does what it is authorized to do. For example, the panel may observe that a party was found to be guilty of a certain action but failed to demonstrate repentance to the panel. The

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223 panel cannot decide that a party must repent and confess—that is outside the authority of the panel. ▪ Goals of a congregation’s involvement (discipline): o Promote genuine reconciliation and restore the offender to usefulness to God (Galatians 6:1-2; Mathew 18:15-20). o Protect the honor of God by encouraging his people to act in a godly manner (1 Peter 2:12; cf. Romans 2:24; 1 Corinthians 5:7-8). o Protect the church from division and harmful examples (1 Corinthians 5:6). ▪ Some churches are hesitant to get involved: In spite of the need for and benefit of church involvement in resolving conflict, many churches are reluctant to intervene in members’ disputes. Reasons for this reluctance include: o Ignorance and weak faith. Many churches are largely unaware of what the Bible has to say about conflict resolution, or if they are aware, they don't believe that they can effectively apply these principles in our society. o Many church leaders are unwilling or afraid to confront conflict, sin, and unrepentance in the church. Some of these leaders are timid by nature, or they have had a bad experience with confrontation that convinced them never to do it again. o Many church leaders fail to understand God-created jurisdictions. They fail to realize that God has given the church and civil government separate but sometimes overlapping responsibilities and authority to deal with conflict (see, e.g., 1 Corinthians 6:1-8 and Romans 13:1-6). As a result, they depend too much on civil authorities to handle problems that should be addressed, at least partly, by the church (e.g., wife abuse). o Many church leaders have been seduced by the concept of “professionalism." They have lost confidence that the church itself is not only called but also qualified to deal with serious problems. Therefore, when members become entangled in business, legal, or personal problems, the leaders quickly say, "let the experts handle it." (Of course it is wise to consult with professionals in appropriate cases, but only to assist the church in carrying out its responsibilities, not to take over those responsibilities.) o Many pastors believe the church should be involved in resolving conflict but fail to do so because they lack adequate training. (At a seminar where with over 100 pastors present, not one of them had received any training whatsoever on conflict resolution!) Since pastors are not trained, they are unable to equip their lay leaders or members. o Many church leaders are afraid of being sued by offended or disgruntled members who do not want the church to involve itself in their problems.

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224 Such lawsuits do in fact occur, but usually because a church was not properly prepared to exercise discipline. o Many church leaders place too much emphasis on pleasing people and seeing the church grow numerically. To put it another way, they are enslaved by a fear of offending people through confrontation and causing them to leave the church. This attitude is aggravated by a worldly view of success, which measures success in terms of results rather than faithfulness to God. o The church's reluctance to get involved in members’ conflicts is aggravated by the fact that we live in a society that is generally hostile to concepts of accountability, responsibility, and discipline. This attitude is the result of a growing preoccupation with individualism, a diminished respect for authority, the acceptance of relative morality and the loss of common norms and values, and a pronounced antagonism toward anything that might generate a sense of personal guilt. As a result, most people in America, including many Christians, believe that the church has no business whatsoever interfering in the personal lives of its members. Many churches seem to have accepted this worldly view of "privacy," which makes them reluctant to involve themselves in the personal lives of their own members. o As a result of these forces and factors, many churches are immobilized by uncertainty, confusion, or fear when it comes to resolving conflict. Such churches generally become "peace-fakers;" they become adept at practicing avoidance and denial. When sin can no longer be ignored, these churches tend to refer those involved to outside "experts." When they cannot make such a referral and are forced to act, they often do so in an awkward and arbitrary manner that offends the people they are trying to help, which heightens animosities, draws more members into the conflict, and sometimes invites a devastating lawsuit. After getting "burned" like this, many churches tend to retreat even more from involving themselves in their members' problems. The church is the only organization on earth given the responsibility and authority to exercise the Office of the Keys. The church cannot give this responsibility to civil authorities. From Luther’s Small Catechism with Explanation: What is the Office of the Keys?* The Office of the Keys is that special authority which Christ has given to His church on earth to forgive the sins of repentant sinners, but to withhold forgiveness from the unrepentant as long as they do not repent.

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225 Where is this written?* This is what St. John the Evangelist writes in chapter twenty: The Lord Jesus breathed on His disciples and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” (John 20:22-23) What do you believe according to these words?* I believe that when the called ministers of Christ deal with us by His divine command, in particular when they exclude openly unrepentant sinners from the Christian congregation and absolve those who repent of their sins and want to do better, this is just as valid and certain, even in heaven, as if Christ our dear Lord dealt with us Himself. * This question may not have been composed by Luther himself but reflects his teaching and was included in editions of the catechism during his lifetime.

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228 1. Know Your Limitations Recognize when a party congregation is a conflicted church If you work with a situation where a called, appointed, or elected leader is being removed from his or her role, often the congregation will be deeply divided over the issue and may be experiencing severe conflict. Other disputes where a reconciler may be asked to assist involve significantly conflicted congregations. Such conflict, if left unresolved, will often result in decreased worship attendance, decreased offerings and school enrollment, and membership losses. Emotional and spiritual damage can be significant. The congregation or its school may end up closing. Often, its public witness is tainted. When an entire congregation is conflicted, it requires special care and intense work. Please note your limitations as a trained reconciler and seek proper assistance for dealing with the congregational matter. This course has not prepared you for working with conflicted churches. We strongly recommend that unless you have received special training for working with conflicted churches that you do not attempt to do this work. Several well-meaning reconcilers have worked with conflicted congregations, spending scores and hundreds of hours, only to make matters worse and subject themselves to criticism, personal attack, and legal threats.

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229 2. Getting Help Help Is Available Learn to recognize when an entire congregation or system is conflicted. Seek outside assistance. In many cases, if you desire to work with the professional reconciliation team, you may be able to be involved. The Lutheran Church – Missouri Synod has engaged the consulting services of Ambassadors of Reconciliation to assist you in difficult cases, such as conflicted churches. Please call our office and ask for help if you believe that a conflicted church may be involved: Ambassadors of Reconciliation 844/447-2671 mail@aorhope.org The Ambassadors of Reconciliation website offers resources and information on our services. For example: ▪ Built on the Rock: The Healthy Congregation by Ted Kober (CPH, 2017). Based on 25 years experience working with conflicted churches, research, and the Scriptures, Kober posits what makes a church healthy is how well its people, especially her leaders, are grounded in God’s Word. Jesus compared two men who built houses: one on the rock, the other on sand. When the storms came, only one house remained (Matthew 7:24-27). Learn how you can strengthen the spiritual health of your church. Build it on Christ, the Rock, the Living Word. ▪ Group Reconciliation Assistance (https://www.aorhope.org/gra). Unresolved conflict and broken relationships within a congregation, school, or other organization can either tear it apart or be the new beginning of a Christ-centered ministry. This most extensive service of Ambassadors of Reconciliation guides people to be first reconciled to God, then to one another often restoring fruitful ministry. Using a team approach, our reconcilers work with a congregation over several months, employing teaching, conflict coaching, analysis and evaluation, mediation, and consultation. We may invest 400 to 500 hours working with a single congregation. See our website for more information and video clips from leaders of congregations who utilized these services.

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230 3. Getting Trained Special Training in Assisting Conflicted Churches This training course for LCMS reconcilers does not prepare you to work with conflicted churches. However, this course does meet the prerequisite requirements for taking the advanced training course on this subject. An intense three-day practicum on working with conflicted churches is available from Ambassadors of Reconciliation (Group Reconciliation Assistance). This advanced training course is designed to teach you how to prepare for and serve as a team member in group reconciliation assistance (GRA). An additional advanced training course is available to prepare individuals to lead GRA Teams. In these courses, you will learn some of the special skills and tools needed for an intervention. For example: ▪ How the team leader proposes an intervention process and formally engages a congregation in a contract. ▪ How the team leader builds a group reconciliation assistance team (usually two to three people minimum). ▪ How to serve in a process that will likely take 300 to 400 hours over a few months with two intense visits at the church site. The group reconciliation process includes: o Initial data gathering. o Teaching a Bible study in a seminar format. o Attending worship services and Sunday school sessions for observation. o Meeting with key leaders and boards/committees/groups. o Data gathering and counseling through personal interviews. o Analysis and evaluation of hundreds of pages of data. o Identifying the congregation’s own potential reconcilers. o Mediations and private coaching sessions. o Initial oral reports. o Opportunities for confession and forgiveness. o Final written reports. o Follow-up processes.

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234 1. Cultivating Lifestyles of Reconciliation All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:18-21 Christ’s ambassadors Every congregation should equip its members for biblical peacemaking. The congregation can actively enhance its ministry of reconciliation through enacting a reconciliation ministry. The following is information that you, as a trained reconciler, can use to help encourage your church to better equip her saints for living, proclaiming, and cultivating lifestyles of reconciliation. The Ministry of Reconciliation We serve as Christ’s ambassadors as we live, proclaim, and cultivate lifestyles of reconciliation. Some ways in which we accomplish this ministry in our congregation include: ▪ Preaching – in sermons and devotions. ▪ Teaching – in Bible studies, Sunday School, Confirmation, Day School, VBS. ▪ Administering the Sacraments – Holy Baptism and the Lord’s Supper. ▪ Proclaiming God’s forgiveness – through corporate and individual confession and absolution. Reconciliation Ministry In addition, the church can live, proclaim and cultivate lifestyles of reconciliation through her appointed reconcilers. These trained leaders serve the congregation through her Reconciliation Ministry: ▪ Teaching Biblical Reconciliation – equipping the saints for lifestyles of reconciliation.

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235 ▪ Coaching – helping individuals to apply reconciliation in specific conflicts situations. ▪ Mediating – helping two or more people in conflict to reconcile and resolve conflict. ▪ Adjudicating – deciding substantive matters through a just and fair hearing. Teaching Biblical Reconciliation Reconcilers teach biblical reconciliation in small group studies and in other settings. Throughout the year, reconcilers lead Bible studies on different topics for applying peacemaking to different aspects of the Christian’s daily life. They make recommendations for improving the church’s organization and culture in stewarding conflict. Members can participate in one of the scheduled studies or invite a reconciler to make brief presentations on peacemaking to their group. Coaching When someone experiences conflict at home, the work place, the neighborhood, extended family, or even in church, he or she may want some help in understanding how to respond to the conflict in a God-pleasing manner. Such disputes may range from small personal squabbles to major matters involving legal issues. A church’s reconcilers can coach people by listening to concerns, helping them assess the opportunities available, and guiding them through God’s Word (Colossians 3:14-17; 2 Timothy 2:24-26; Galatians 6:1-2). They not only coach people in resolving conflict, but also in reconciling relationships. At times, they may also refer people to other professionals for specialized help (such as attorneys or counselors). As coaches, they do not solve conflicts for people. Instead, they serve as guides to encourage members to “go and be reconciled” (Matthew 5:24). Mediating When two or more people are unable to resolve conflict on their own, Jesus teaches us to “bring one or two others along” to assist as witnesses (Matthew 18:15-16). Reconcilers serve as witnesses to Christ when they mediate between parties. Using a process to facilitate godly discussion, they coach all parties to apply God’s Word to the conflict. As mediators, reconcilers do not make decisions for the parties but guide them in reaching biblically faithful solutions. They help negotiate material issues, and they encourage people to reconcile through confession and forgiveness. Throughout the process, they proclaim Christ and His ministry of reconciliation.

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236 Adjudicating (not available in all churches) In some churches, one or more reconcilers may be equipped to adjudicate (or arbitrate) cases for people. In such cases, parties submit disputes to the adjudicator and agree to be bound by his/her decision on the matter (1 Corinthians 5:1-8). Unlike mediation, adjudicators act like judges, making decisions on behalf of the parties. As adjudicator, the reconciler cannot make decisions on relationship issues such as confession, forgiveness, or love. He or she is limited to making decisions only on material issues. Adjudication is most appropriate for matters where relationship issues are not involved or where mediation cannot resolve the matter. Instead of Christians suing one another, which can result in damaged relationships and a poor witness to faith in Christ, adjudication provides a private, God-honoring alternative for Christians seeking just decisions using fellow believers. Reconciler Appointment and Training Appointed by a congregation’s leadership, reconcilers are chosen because of the peacemaking gifts that others recognize in them. They are respected as people of faith who regularly study God’s Word and exhibit peacemaking gifts (such as humility, gentleness, self-control, Christ-centered counsel). They are known for practicing biblical peacemaking in their own lives, confessing their own sins, forgiving others, restoring people gently, and encouraging others to make peace. Upon appointment, reconcilers receive special training to serve others in peacemaking through teaching, one-on-one coaching, and mediation. They study written materials and attend several days of live training from Ambassadors of Reconciliation to equip them for this work. They commit themselves to continuing education. Reconcilers follow the Rules of Procedure of the Institute for Christian Conciliation. These rules guide reconcilers and the people they serve according to well-defined processes that are biblically based and appropriate for all types of conflicts, including business and legal disputes. For More Information . . . Learn more about a congregation’s reconciliation ministry from Ambassadors of Reconciliation at www.aorhope.org.

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237 2. Equipping Our Members Equipping the Church for Reconciliation Ministries ▪ Several resources are available for introducing a church’s Reconciliation Ministry and equipping specially appointed reconcilers. Seminars and practicums equip all the saints for serving Christ through their daily conflicts, and they often help to reactivate semi-active members. In addition, they provide opportunities to serve people in the surrounding community. Bible Studies on Reconciliation (offer regularly) ▪ The congregation’s current Bible study leaders can teach one or more Bible studies on biblical peacemaking. Ambassadors of Reconciliation offers specific studies for this purpose and can recommend other related studies from Concordia Publishing House. Two Great Seminars (for a super kick-off event) Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation ▪ The church can sponsor a full-day Bible study seminar, presented by a Christian Reconciler™ from Ambassadors of Reconciliation. Each participant learns practical ways to apply biblical peacemaking in daily life through study of the Scriptures, the Lutheran Confessions and contemporary stories. The seminars encourage personal peacemaking in individuals’ lives and builds support for a congregation’s Reconciliation Ministries. This seminar often attracts people who usually don’t attend Bible study, and it can serve as a great outreach tool to the community. Coaching People to Reconcile Practicum (schedule about 6-8 months after a seminar) ▪ This two-day live training event (with advance preparation homework) teaches Christians how to use Scripture’s basic peacemaking principles in coaching others through their conflicts. Through demonstration and personal role-playing, participants practice the skills taught. Since most of us give advice to friends and families, anyone can benefit from this training. The Coaching People through Conflict Practicum is required for preparing a

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238 church’s reconcilers. A personal exercise on announcing God’s grace to a confessing partner proves to be a life changing experience for many. Mediating People to Reconcile Practicum (schedule about 6-8 months after a coaching practicum) ▪ This intense two-day practicum (with the same advance preparation homework as coaching) equips believers for mediating two or more disputing parties using biblical processes. Following demonstrations, the participants practice skills in short and longer exercises to help reinforce the training. Necessary for a church’s reconcilers, others will benefit from the training including pastors, principals, administrators, employers, managers and more. People will often travel several hours to attend this practicum, so a sponsoring church can use this to serve its own community and beyond. Learning how to apply confession and forgiveness in mediation is a unique feature that sets this training apart from other professional mediation training. Church Reconciler Training Course ▪ This intense week-long course is offered by Ambassadors of Reconciliation and can be sponsored by groups (such as circuits, districts, etc.). Church Reconciler Training incorporates all of the above training. In addition, attention is given to teaching and establishing a reconciliation ministry within each participant’s congregation or ministry setting. By the end of the course, each participant develops a one-year plan for establishing a reconciliation ministry.

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239 3. Christian Reconciler™ Christian Reconciler™ is a Certificate Program designed to recognize those who have received training as a Christian Reconciler. Those who join the program enjoy fellowship in a community of Christian Reconcilers world-wide. AoR’s vision for Christian Reconcilers is to connect the world of Christian reconciliation through: ▪ Training—the most complete line of reconciliation training available for equipping reconcilers. Utilized by seminaries, universities, and denominations, AoR training is recognized as the best available. ▪ Resourcing—We thrive on equipping reconcilers with the best and most effective reconciliation resources. From introduction to highly complex group reconciliations, you’ll have access to it all. ▪ Connecting those in need with those who serve—Connecting those in need with those who can help is essential to growing the ministry of reconciliation. YOU are part of this vision. ▪ Awareness—Most Christians are unaware of the ministry of reconciliation. Therefore, we are partnering with you to get the word out! We’ll equip you to teach while we continue to promote through churches and social media. Benefits of being a part of this community: ▪ Certificate—A certificate, suitable for framing, identifying you as a Christian Reconciler™. Or choose a handsome engraved plaque for an additional fee! ▪ Public Reconciler Directory—A directory open to and promoted to the public for finding reconciliation service providers. Available with Vocational & Professional Reconciler plans, optionally include your profile in this public directory. Customize your own public profile to promote your services. You have complete control of what is shared. ▪ Private Website Menu for Christian Reconcilers—You have access to many resources on our website that are exclusive to Christian Reconcilers. ▪ Private Directory to Find Co-Reconcilers—The Professional Reconciler Plan offers access to the internal directory of all Christian Reconcilers™ to enable you to find other reconcilers for assistance with cases. ▪ Online Forums to Stay in Touch—Join an existing conversation or start your own. These forums are a great way to stay connected.

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240 ▪ Community Event Calendar—Include your own events on our Community Event Calendar! A great way to promote your events and inspire others in the community! ▪ Online Coaching Tool—Direct your parties to our FREE Conflict Resolution vs Reconciliation online course and, as a reconciler, monitor their progress and coach them along the way based on their responses! ▪ Online Appointment Booking—Your clients may schedule appointments with you directly from your profile! This is great for scheduling initial inquiry consultations. Upload your google or outlook calendar to avoid being double-booked! ▪ Community News Alerts—With your professional membership, you can alert the reconciler community to special events or needs! Send to all, or filter the list to your needs. Great for event announcements, prayer requests, relevant & urgent news, etc. ▪ Crowdfunding—An amount up to 100% of undesignated funds raised through your crowdfunding page will be returned to you as reduced training or conference registration fees. This could literally underwrite your entire ministry of reconciliation! ▪ Promotion of Reconciliation Ministry—A portion of your annual fee will be dedicated to promoting the ministry of reconciliation and specifically steering those in need of help to the Reconciler Directory. Did you know that for less than 30 cents, an online reconciliation ad results in a click-through of someone seeking help? ▪ International Network—You will be part of a nationwide network of reconcilers united in the common purpose of serving as ambassadors of reconciliation. ▪ Training Discounts—Retake and audit AoR practicums with 80% discount to keep skills fresh. ▪ Annual Credit Up to $100—Half of the annual fee up to $100 is returned to you as a coupon redeemable for AoR reconciliation resources or events (only applies to fee-paid memberships). ▪ Teaching License—Those completing the Teaching a Reconciliation Seminar practicum are eligible for a license to teach AoR's reconciliation seminars. ▪ Wholesale Product Purchase Agreement—You are eligible for a wholesale agreement for purchasing AoR-produced product for sale at your own events. ▪ Online Model Case Forms—Dozens of updated boilerplate case forms available online and always at your fingertips. Just download and modify for your specific need. ▪ Online Scripture Reference for Coaching—Dozens of the most commonly used passages of scripture organized by coaching topic for swift retrieval.

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241 ▪ Idol-Exposing Questions Online Reference—Online access to proven coaching questions that help a party discover idols of the heart. ▪ Prepared Homework Questions—Scores of effective coaching and mediation homework assignments available online for real-time lookup, download and providing to your party. ▪ Prepared Reconciliation Prayers—We’ve assembled 20 reconciliation prayers that you will always have at your fingertips! ▪ Online Repository of Course Materials—Each of our courses offer many resources provided during class. This online repository keeps them close at hand for you. ▪ Community Dropbox—A site exclusively for reconcilers where you can share your favorite tools, homework assignments, etc. with other reconcilers. ▪ Highlight Your Relational Wisdom Training—If you are also a Certified Relational Conciliator through RW360, you may highlight that in your profile also! ▪ Highlight Your CCC Credential—If you are certified through ICC Peace, highlight your Certified Christian Conciliator credential to potential clients on your profile! Three Different Membership Levels ▪ Volunteer Reconciler ▪ Vocational Reconciler ▪ Professional Reconciler LCMS Reconcilers receive a one-year, Vocational Reconciler annual membership as part of the LCMS Reconciler Training.

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244 1. Bibliography All of these resources contain information that is beneficial to Christian reconcilers. However, Ambassadors of Reconciliation does not necessarily endorse each one in its entirety. You are encouraged to be like the Bereans in Acts 17:11, comparing what is presented to the Scriptures. Biblical Helps ▪ Campbell, Brian. Pearls: Scriptures to Live by. Lake Mary, Florida: New Horizons Press, 1994. ▪ Doriani, Daniel M. Putting the Truth to Work: The Theory and Practice of Biblical Application. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: P&R Publishing, 2001. ▪ Kruis, John G. Quick Scripture Reference for Counseling. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1988. ▪ Miller, Patricia. Quick Scripture Reference for Counseling Women. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 2002. ▪ Poythress, Vern S. God-Centered Biblical Interpretation. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 1999. ▪ Sproul, R.C. Knowing Scripture. Downers Grove: Intervarsity Press, 1977. ▪ Vine, W.E. Vine’s Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words. Iowa Falls: Word Bible Publishers, 1981. Church Conflict ▪ Adams, Jay E. Sibling Rivalry in the Household of God. Denver: Accent Books, 1988. ▪ Barthel, Tara and David C. Edling. Redeeming Church Conflicts: Turning Crisis into Compassion and Care. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2012. ▪ Buzzard, Lynn R. and Laurence Eck, Tell It To the Church. Elgin: David C. Cook Publishing Co., 1982. ▪ Dobsen, Edward G., Speed B. Leas, and Marshall Shelley. Mastering Conflict and Controversy. Portland: Multnomah Press, 1992.

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245 ▪ Edwards, Gene. Crucified by Christians. Sargent, Ga.: The SeedSowers, 1994. ▪ Enroth, Ronald M. Churches That Abuse. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1992. ▪ Fenton, Horace L., Jr. When Christians Clash. Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity Press, 1987. ▪ Flynn, Leslie B. When the Saints Come Storming In. Wheaton: Victor Books, 1988. ▪ Gangel, Kenneth O., and Samuel L. Canine. Communication and Conflict Management in Churches and Christian Organizations. Nashville: Broadman Press, 1992. ▪ Goetz, David. “Forced Out: How Likely Are You to be Fired or Pressured to Resign? The Startling Results of Leadership’s New, Nationwide Study.” Leadership, Volume XVII, Number 1, Winter 1996. ▪ Halverstadt, Hugh F. Managing Church Conflict. Louisville: Westminster/John Knox Press, 1991. ▪ Haugk, Kenneth C. Antagonists in the Church. Minneapolis: Augsburg, 1988. ▪ Huttenlocker, Keith. Conflict and Caring. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1988. ▪ Kober, Ted. Built on the Rock: The Healthy Congregation. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2017. ▪ Kniskern, J. Warren. Courting Disaster. Nashville: Broadman and Holman, 1995. ▪ Lowry, L. Randolph, and Richard W. Meyers. Conflict Management and Counseling. Word Inc., 1991. ▪ Martin, Frank. War in the Pews. Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity Press, 1995. ▪ Qualben, James. Peace in the Parish. San Antonio: LangMarc Publishing, 1991. ▪ Shelley, Marshall. Leading Your Church Through Conflict and Reconciliation. Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 1997.

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246 ▪ Susek, Ron. Firestorm: Preventing and Overcoming Church Conflicts. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Books, 1999. ▪ Thomas, Marlin E. Resolving Disputes in Christian Groups. Winnipeg: Windflower Communications, 1994. ▪ van der Linde, Dirk. When It’s Christian vs. Christian. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House. ▪ Van Yperen, Jim. Making Peace: A Guide to Overcoming Church Conflict. Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2002. ▪ Wecks, John. Free to Disagree. Grand Rapids: Kregel Resources, 1996. Church Discipline ▪ Adams, Jay E. Handbook on Church Discipline. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1986. ▪ Baker, Don. Beyond Forgiveness. Portland: Multnomah Press, 1984. ▪ Buzzard, Lynn, and Thomas Brandon. Church Discipline and the Courts. Wheaton: Tyndale, 1987. ▪ Commission on Theology and Church Relations of the LCMS. Church Discipline in the Christian Congregation. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1985. ▪ Gage, Ken and Joy. Restoring Fellowship. Chicago: Moody Press, 1984. ▪ MacNair, Donald J. Restoration God’s Way. Philadelphia: Great Commissions Publications, 1978. ▪ Oden, Thomas C. Corrective Love: The Power of Communion Discipline. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1995. ▪ South, Tommy. That We May Share His Holiness. Abilene: Bible Guides, 1997. ▪ White, John, and Ken Blue. Healing the Wounded. Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity Press, 1985.

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247 Church Organization/Management ▪ Adams, Jay E. Sibling Rivalry in the Household of God. Denver: Account Books, 1988. ▪ Kober, Ted. Series “Governance Issues in Lutheran Churches” featuring three articles: “Policy-Based Board Governance in Lutheran Churches,” “Structuring the Healthy Congregation – A Hybrid: Three-Board Model,” and “Ministry Teams in the Hybrid Model of Governance.” www.aorhope.org. Select “Resources,” then “Articles,” then “Governance Issues in Lutheran Churches.” ▪ Mack, Wayne A., and David Swavely. Life in the Father’s House. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 1996. ▪ Sande, Ken. Managing Conflict in Your Church. Billings, Montana: Peacemaker Ministries. Coaching & Counseling ▪ Koehler, Walter J. Counseling & Confession: The Role of Confession and Absolution in Pastoral Counseling. St. Louis: Concordia Seminary Press, 2011. ▪ Lockwood, Michael A. The Unholy Trinity: Martin Luther Against the Idol of Me, Myself, and I. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2016. ▪ Marrs, Rick W. Making Christian Counseling More Christ Centered. Bloomington, IN: WestBow Press, 2019. ▪ Petty, James C. Step by Step: Divine Guidance for Ordinary Christians. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: P&R Publishing, 1999. ▪ Schlossberg, Herbert. Idols for Destruction: Christian Faith and its Confrontation with American Society. Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1983. ▪ Tripp, Paul David. Age of Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 1998. ▪ Tripp, Paul David. War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 2000.

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248 ▪ Welch, Edward T. Addictions—A Banquet in the Grave: Finding Hope in the Power of the Gospel. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 2001. ▪ Welch, Edward T. Blame It on the Brain? Distinguishing Chemical Imbalances, Brain Disorders and Disobedience. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 1998. ▪ Welch, Edward T. When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man. Phillipsburg, New Jersey: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 1997. ▪ Welch, Edward T. and Gary Steven Shogren. Addictive Behavior. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1995. ▪ Welch, Edward T. and Gary Steven Shogren. Running in Circles: How to Find Freedom from Addictive Behavior. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1995. Forgiveness ▪ Adams, Jay E. From Forgiven to Forgiving. Wheaton: Victor Books, 1989. ▪ Kober, Ted. “Confession and Forgiveness: not just for Sunday morning.” www.aorhope.org. Select Select “Resources,” then “Articles,” then “Confession and Forgiveness: not just for Sunday morning.” ▪ Kober, Ted. Confession & Forgiveness: Professing Faith as Ambassadors of Reconciliation. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2002. ▪ Koehler, Walter J. Counseling & Confession: The Role of Confession and Absolution in Pastoral Counseling. St. Louis: Concordia Seminary Press, 2011. ▪ Marrs, Rick W. Making Christian Counseling More Christ Centered. Bloomington, IN: WestBow Press, 2019. ▪ Morison, Patrick H. Forgive! As the Lord Forgave You. Phillipsburg, N.J.: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing, 1987. ▪ Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2rd ed. 2004.

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249 Legal Liability ▪ Buzzard, Lynn R., and Dan Hall. Clergy Confidentiality: A Time to Speak and a Time to Be Silent. Christian Management Association, PO Box 4638, Diamond Bar, CA 91765, 1988. ▪ Bloss, Julie L. The Church Guide to Employment Law. Christian Ministry Resources, PO Box 1098, Matthews, NC 28106, 1993. ▪ Couser, Richard B. Managing Risks: First Steps in Identifying Congregational Liability. Minneapolis, Minnesota: Augsburg Fortress, 1993. ▪ Couser, Richard B. Ministry and the American Legal System. Minneapolis, Minnesota: Fortress Press, 1993. ▪ Couser, Richard B., and Mary Wilke. Sexual Misconduct in the Church. Orr and Reno Professional Association, PO Box 709, Concord, NH 03303-0709. ▪ Eidsmoe, John. The Christian Legal Advisor. Milford, Michigan: Mott Media, Inc., 1984. ▪ Hammar, Richard R. Pastor, Church and Law. Matthews, North Carolina: CMR Press, 3rd ed. 2000. ▪ Hammar, Richard R., Steven W. Kilpowicz, and James F. Cobble, Jr. Reducing the Risk of Child Abuse in Your Church. Christian Ministry Resources, PO Box 1098, Matthews, NC 28106, 1993. ▪ House, H. Wayne. Christian Ministries and the Law. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1992. ▪ Kasper, Dennis R. Balancing Prevention and Risk. Pasadena: Fuller Theological Seminary, 1993. ▪ Lansing, Carl F. Legal Defense Handbook. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1992. ▪ Levicoff, Steve. Christian Counseling and the Law. Chicago: Moody Press, 1991. Marital Conflict ▪ Adams, Jay E. Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1980.

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250 ▪ Chapman, Gary. Hope for the Separated. Chicago: Moody Press, 1982. ▪ Dobson, James. Love Must Be Tough. Waco: Word, 1983. ▪ Kniskern, J. Warren. When the Vow Breaks. Nashville: Broadman and Holman, 1993. ▪ Talley, Jim. Reconcilable Differences. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1985. ▪ Wheat, Ed. How to Save Your Marriage Alone. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1983. Negotiation/Mediation/Arbitration ▪ Commission on Theology and Church Relations of the LCMS. 1 Corin-thians 6:1-11: An Exegetical Study. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1991. ▪ Fisher, Roger, William Ury, and Bruce Patton. Getting to Yes. New York: Penguin Books, 2nd ed. 1991. ▪ Jones, G. Brian, and Linda Phillips-Jones. A Fight to the Better End. Wheaton: Victor Books, 1989. ▪ Kober, Ted and Ken Sande. Cultivating Lifestyles of Reconciliation. Billings, MT: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2009. ▪ Lovenheim, Peter. Mediate, Don’t Litigate. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1989. ▪ Moore, Christopher W. The Mediation Process. Jossey-Bass, Inc., 1986. ▪ Sande, Ken and Ted Kober. Guiding People through Conflict. Billings, MT: Peacemaker Ministries, 2004. Personal Peacemaking ▪ A Reason for Hope (six weeks of daily devotions). Billings, MT: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2019. ▪ Forgiven to Forgive (six weeks of daily devotions). Billings, MT: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2010. ▪ Conflict Resolution vs. Reconciliation. Billings, MT: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2017.

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251 ▪ Go and Be Reconciled: What Does This Mean? Billings, MT: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2016. ▪ Kober, Ted. Confession & Forgiveness: Professing Faith as Ambassadors of Reconciliation. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2002. ▪ Kober, Ted and Ken Sande. Cultivating Lifestyles of Reconciliation. Billings, MT: Ambassadors of Reconciliation, 2009. ▪ Sande, Corlette. The Young Peacemaker. Billings, MT: Peacemaker Ministries, 1997. ▪ Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 3rd ed. 2004. ▪ Sande, Ken and Ted Kober. Guiding People through Conflict. Billings, MT: Peacemaker Ministries, 2004. ▪ Sandmann, Donald. How to Resolve Conflicts: Empowered by Christ. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House. Sexual Misconduct ▪ Anderson, Bill. When Child Abuse Comes to Church. Minneapolis: Bethany House Publishers, 1992. ▪ Sande, Ken. “A Better Way to Handle Abuse.” Billings, MT: Peacemaker Ministries web site articles (https://rw360.org/2015/07/20/a-better-way-to-handle-abuse/). ▪ Sande, Ken. “Child Protection First!” Billings, MT: Peacemaker Ministries, workshop from Annual Conference, 2000. Spiritual Guidance ▪ Friesen, Garry. Decision Making and the Will of God. Portland: Multnomah Press, 1980. ▪ Veith, Gene Edward, Jr. The Spirituality of the Cross. St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 1999. Spiritual Warfare ▪ Powlison, David. Power Encounters: Reclaiming Spiritual Warfare. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1995.