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ii9i

untitled-volumeI
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inrefusal,withlove.
restinpower,
ClarkFitzgerald
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5
PortConjunctive:
Therealityofthesituationisthis:tobe
aliveintheworld,tolivethatplainand
barrenlifeascribedtoeachofusbythe
machineofgovernance,istoexistinan
(un)bearablestateofblankagony.Wehave
beenengulfed,swallowedupbyaformthat
hassoughtouttodestroytheworldand
everyworldthatinconviencesittoany
degree.
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Thestreetsareringing,ringing,ringingand
mybodyisbuzzingwithandthroughthenoise
thathasfilledmylife.Deathandtimecollide
infinitelyliketwocarscrashinghead-firstinto
oneanotherwithoutbeingaffected.
EverythingkeepsmovingandImovewithit,
withitspullanditspushandthescreechingof
itsmachines.Thisiswhatlifehasbecome
here,whattheworldIslidethroughturns
toward,around,away.WhatIknowcollides
withwhatIdon’tateverymoment,inawhir,
wearespinningwithouttrajectory,spiral.
Every-thingblendstogetherandyetIremain
intact,evenseparate.Distinctismybodyinit’s
owndejectedsuspension.Thisissorrow,what
Iknowasthething,thesubstancethatgives
somuchtexturetomytimehere.Here,under
theweightofahollowed-outandharden-ing
metropolis.Eachofitspartsmove,always,to
noplacebecausethereisno-place-to-go.Home,
here,carrieswithitadiabolicalringwhich
resonatesoutineverydirection.Ataunting,
despairingnotionthatgesturesatmybodyas
ifIshouldfollowittosomeplaceIdon’t-know
butcan-know.Itisaliar,it’swhisper
deceitful.Mybodyiskeptatacolddistance
fromitandfromthosearoundme.Weknow
onlyofourselvesandhaveforsometime.
Spacefoldsoutaroundmeateverystep;Iam
outintheopenandthisplaceisbareand
plain.Ittoo,knowsonlyofitself.The
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differencebeingthatonewillkeeponandthe
othermust,atsomepoint,cometoaninfinite
stopwheretheringinghushesandthebuzzing
drainsoutintonowhere.Iamnotalonehere.
Myowndistancefromtheworldderivesfrom
somecornerofmybodywhichiskeptfromme.
Infact,mylifeispopulatedbypeoplewhomI
carefor,whocareforme.Thisdistance,this
perpetualcollisionoccursinsideandthen
outsideme,insomeinternalsurroundwhere
thereoccursthatblindingimpactflowingout
ofanowherefelt-all-over.Itisthehollowspot
ofthishardworldthatdoesn’tknowhowto
stopmoving,it’sstillcorethatwillremainon
fireuntilthecivicisdissolvedalongwiththe
pillarsofthecapitalbuilding,untilthatworld
whichconstitutesmeisdestroyedandmoving-
freely,perhapspassionately.Iknowonlyone
placeanditisno-place-to-be.
Itdoes-notknow-me.
Thereisonlypanichere:onthebus,inthe
streetandonthehighways.Itisinthathouse
andintheireyes,spreadingitselfoutandover
thisplacelikeashockwavethatsendsus
skitteringalongtowardsomedestination
whereitallcontinueson.Thecardoorshuts.
Thisismysmallcompartment,alayerwhich
separatesmeinsomewayfromthehysteria
thatringsoutjustoutside.Thecardooropens
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andthelayerisremoved.Theworldresumes
slightlyfromthisnewperspective,resounding.
Attimes,attheworstoftimes,IfeelasifIam
onlythedisasterthatistheisolated
relationshipbetweenmyselfandmybody,a
situationwhichoperateslikesomeslowwar
betweentwoloverswhohavealwaysdespised
eachotherbecausetheyfeltasiftheyhad
nothing-in-common.Iamateverypointwhich
pullsmetogetherdissolvingintothatwhich
pullsmeapart.Iknowpainbecausepain
forgedthisplace,thesteelofitsskyscrapers
anditsrailways,itscashanditssmoke.Pain
isthepushandthepullofthisplace,its
constantoscillationbetweensomanythings
thatweremadetobeunfamiliar.Fromvoid-
to-void,fromno-placetono-placewetremble,
headstuckedasthingsremainfirmlyontheir
way,outsideus.Thisplaceisnothingother
thantheaccumulationofthesorrowswhichit
inflictsateverypointuponus,aninfliction
whichmustbereversed.Itsnegation:joy.
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10
Amidthepaleworld.
cuttyeyedgazes
leavewombopen
heart-hurting.
asitis
beingdisplaced
fromlife
asitis
lifenotboundforend
livedinthisworldnow
aburialground.
Heart-hurting.
dead?Almost,notquite.
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Hereisnotwhatiam.
heretakenaway.wherei
reside

takenin
spinningroundround
againandagain
unsettledself
aforceinandupunder
thiswhereisnotwhati
am
roundandround
takenunder
takenin.
attheend
withlove.
aseeker.
inmotionthroughtheundone
agestureto
ontheway-wherewebelong.
ourselvesgivenover
backinbackinbackin
comingbackagain.
holdwhatweighsme
onthelow,atbay.
wearewanting,
inbecoming.
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Nonotwhatiam
iam
howiam
throughyouicould
seeme
throughyoufromyou
iwhatiam
butiknowwhatiis
whatiisnot.
soulgoeswhereitwantsto..
bodyremains.
insideoutinsideandout.
approachingfromtheoutside.
we’llgettotheplaceweknow
already.
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cannothave
butcanbehad
oftoformingparts
hasbeenput
arein
whereandwhat
weare
cannottake
canbetaken
giventhought.
actionatdistance
move
nothing
leavesthetraceofitsdance
movein
moveagainstthelimiting
force
findabreak
leavetheagainnagain
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willyourbloodflowinvain?
whatissaid.inlack
merelyverbal—testifyyourwill
——
Non-being.
Objectthatsfeels.
Outside
andagainst,
abiding
thoughtsformfrom
no-place.
waterandmadness
thispassageiskeeping.
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blockage,slippage
thematerialofthislifewasalwaysimposed,
separatefromus
"beforeandbefore"
itremainsso,
surroundedbypropositionsofafuture
(we'vejustgottowantit)
andifwewantitwe'llworkforit!
resignationfallsoverthisgame,ontous
likeafogwherewestopliving
andstarthoping,
planning,
scheduling.
thefearofwastedtimefillsupthisparanoia.
hope(isthatspotwherewewait)
butthereisnohopefortheendoftheworld,
wecanonlywhispersomuchaboutsomething
beforeitfeelslikeadream
outofreach,bleached
istheworld(therearenowords)
justrefusal-welling-uplikethesmokethat
camefromadesparatestreet
movingforabreak
towardthatpermanentstate
ofaforming-freely
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fantasticfantasycollides
withutmostuncertainty,
aspiral,ashatter
whatisevealedisthepit
ofthething
thatmovesthroughthebody
likeacloudcongealing
slidingacrossasurface-out-of-service
cumblingandcurved
(circumference:theworld)
behindit,
astickyresidueheldtogether
bytheirmurmuring,wordless
world,less
animatedgesturereject
thisplaceisturningout
toturninonitself,
abject.
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Isnot
islost
howitmoves
whatmovesit.
silencedrivesmutetounges.
utterancefarfromme
bodiesengravedbytheworld
whatissaid,inlack.
confined
merelyverbal—testifyyourwill.
whatlendstowholenessorutterlack
reaching—suspendedbody
apprehended.caughtup
weemergeinform,partially.
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somebitternesfallsovermeswiftly.
noplace-to-moveoutsideit
(findanexit)
(abreak)
throwyourselfaway
andglidewiththatmotion
towardthereal-place
tanged-beneath-it-all
learntodwellthere,
inthatnotion
ofsomesilentdevotion
wherethenightisbrightwithjoy.
becomeanonymous
(asthereisnocreditneededhere)
(asweshowourselves,bare)
whatisdesiredisheldoutside-of
 anycontract

fugitiveinform,
ourformtakesflight
towardthisplace,againstit

embeddedinanentrance
(ourmovementisfriction)
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Paitence.
thelastpersonwhotoldmetobe
patientkilledmeitwasn’tmurder
thereisnothingtowaitfor,
reachingforward.
nonetograspto.
whatisshownbringsusbacktoa
beginning.
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andwordsrunawaywiththeday.
blewawaywiththefirstbreeze.
withyou.
Youdon’tsaymuch.withthatdeaf
say.
doyouneedme?
Acasttosilence.
Apartfrom,butsomeeyetalk
whofillsmeup?who’swordsweighon
me,aminorGod.
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linesareeverblurring.Todaythe
visualeffectsofoptimismandthe
lotwereflungatme.Theveilof
ignorance,whichIseemtohave
chosenforwear,
waslifted.Thewretchednessand
beautyofthisworldwasthereforme.
——
------
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penetratepenetrationof
nothingness.
smutheredlives.
franitclywaiting
spatteredindividuals
withnoonetohold
loversinsleeping.
whatissaid
onlydeafeningscreams
hopelessgestures.
movedandalswaysmoving.
desireforescape
whatitisthatmovesthis[body]
mostterriblething,alwayswitha
smile.
many-timed
thenandwill
emptinessandsilence
iswhyourbodies
looklikerotmove
corrosively.
oh,terriblelovelythings.
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bornfromdecay.conquerorsofworlds
ibeartheirvenom
oursufferingseemstohaveescapedyour
notice.
myeyeswillnotwellup,
nottoaword.
no-selftoadhereto
nodding,nodding
slidingoutinto
nowhere
this-placeisno-place
pleaseincreasethepace
theblurofasurround-ing
formsthisdoom-litgloom
bloomingout-into.
greyandbrown,
whiteandbright,
ascreechingsilence
texurizesthisplace,
carryingitandme
relentlessly
burning,churning
theshrillsoundofahorn,
followedbyaburstofstiffwind
iamonmyway
tono-placeinahurry.
glancesshared,weareallhere
(passengerstoourownlives)
theshriekofwheelsonmetaltracks
marksourdeparture
thelightsflickerandourbodiesrespond
totheturbulence
ofthissteelenclosure.
It'sbeenafewweekssnceIhadsomethingto
say.Iwonderwhythisenergycomesin
manicspurts.Idon'tknowwhattoputhere,
Ijustwantitwholeevenifitissome
fragmentedpart.Iwantonewhole
fragmentedpartofathing-somepiecethat
feelswholeinitsjaggedlack.Butlikeusand
everythingelse,ittoohasbeenripped-from,
snatchedoutandthrownabout,searching,
soughtout.Thesejaggedpartsformmy
relationtotheworld,howitreachesintome
andfoldsbackout.Iwantonewhole
fragmentedpartofathingbecauseI'm
makingamapandmovingwithit.Withinit,
chasingdistance.Thecrisisofthepresentis
acrisisinpresence,ofthemobilizationof
eachindividual.Thismovementpreserves
thecrisisandassignsaninsulardirection
withoutintersection.Itisthecoldfabricofa
worldevacuated.Surveillanceglaresstraight
throughthenotionofaGod,andittoo,s
theretokeepathingsafe,topreservean
orderingandtopreserveitself;tofeedit
whileeachbodyslidesbetweenthetwoand
througheachplaceatapacenottooslow,not
toofast.Everything,here,isworkingjust
fine.
toomuch,toomuch
enunciationfarfromme
iamasinkhole,toomuch
ofnothing-at-all
thisplaceisringing.loud,clear
toomuch.(noplan)
sevendaysleftuntilthenextthirty.
toomuch.everythingisaboutme
rot(toomuch)
iwanttotake-take-take
toomuch
thisimageisflatandcold
thisimageisrealandempty
thisimageisme,
toomuch.
iamoutofcornerswithnothingtocut
wanttosleepbutjustwokeup,again
toomuch,ican'ttalk(toomuch).
alwaysthesame,tooempty,
toomuch,
thisplaceisfleeting.
lawabiding;
bidding
imean,onbodies
aunitanditstearingapart
(istheoperatoninstalledhere)
informing,
postureissomeaxis
andthebodysomethreshold-out-forming
aspiral,collide(we)
lingeringhere,glide(we)
aremovingwith,through
fieldsofresidue
bodiessensingbecomebodies
ofthought
out-worldingchaosconcentration
leaningtowardsomeworld's
disintegration(we)
liveincuspsnearalltheedges
ledges,which
curveintothecenterandfoldoutagain
(tundra)
leashes,livesmeasured
byleases:stuck,
inthereaches
ofabloom-ing-gloom-ing
doom.
grimacelendstogrin,
glancingtowardthisglaringtotality(we)
moveforthewild,
bodiesdialinginward
chasingthatchaosexcess,thatspiralingaccess
awayfromanothingness-
unaddressed.
can'tdoit(anywhereigo)
furiouslydisengaged,
isinkback.thisretracton
isdullandcoldandmyownfault.
ilikeithere,awayfrom
thisandthatthingthatglareatme.
myspiritisfeverishandmythoughts
skitter
frantically,
amindmovinglikeroaches
andthebodyanexternalvessel.
ihavebecomebad,souredout,
scowling.
(icomeatmyownlife
fromabitterdistance)
untitled-volumeI