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Who am I?

 

By Caeli Beecher

   

   I am 5’4” and weigh 145 lbs

 

(approximately). I have dirty blonde hair with

 

highlights and a slight ombre of lighter blonde

 

at the tips. I am very white and my veins are

 

very noticeable. I have random scars from

 

guard and childhood accidents and I always

 

have some bruise on my body. My eyes are

 

grey/blue and I have dark blonde eyebrows and

 

eyelashes.

Physical Description

So let's talk about your childhood

I was born in Hollywood, Maryland in June of 2000. By the time I was 4, my family had moved 4 times. I grew up in the small, suburban area of Auburn, Maine. With three older sisters, I was never alone in my house, but in school I was always alone. It's not that I wasn't friendly or willing to be nice to people, but I skipped third grade; making me younger than everyone else. Thankfully, Bible Quizzing gave me a group of people who like smart kids. I did Bible Quizzing from age 6 until age 14. When I graduated to the teen division (once I turned 12) I went to the regional competition three times and my teams placed top three each time. I stayed in Auburn until I was 9 then I moved to sunny Wells, ME. I went to Tri-City Christian Academy for a year and then moved to Seacoast Christian Academy. Both schools where small and did not offer advanced classes or extra curriculars. Finally, I was allowed to attend public school. And look at me now

Sensorimoter 0-2 

 

As a young child I was not ambivently attached. I was very personable and liked to be passed around (as I'm told I was). According to the acounts of my family, I was not scared by dangerous situations.

"You would be tossed and bumped into corners and all you would do was giggle" (Kelly Beecher)

 

Formal Operational 11-present

 

As a student who was a year younger than everyone in my grade, my deductive reasoning skills were developed a little sooner than others. I was really good at figuring out mechanisms and problems, but bad at memorizing

 

Pre-Operational 2-7

 

I was advanced in learning and logic. I was smart but was easily distracted. If I didn’t do something well the first time, I would try extremely hard to figure it out and make it work the second time.

 “You were quite good at sorting. Making connections between things, such as putting away silverware when you were four.” (Kelly Beecher)

 .

At what rate do I develop?

 

Concrete Operational 7-11

 

I was really good at figuring out other people’s emotions and wanted everyone to be happy. I had trouble thinking about theories and abstract ideas.

 

“You were very sensitive to other children and their feelings” (Ed Beecher)

 

 Hobbies- I have played guitar for about 6 years now. I love to dance even if I have no idea what I am doing. I like to read books that cause me to really have to think. Lastly, I am somewhat of a closet writer. I have poems, stories, songs, and some rants that haven't been shared with many people, but I love to write them.

I am extrinsically motivated to do things that bring high praise and intrinsically motivated to do things that I enjoy. I am involved in many things both intrisically and extrinsically motivating for me. 

Motivation!

I am a cheerleader and I love to perform. Wintergaurd, cheering, band, theatre, singing, and even dance is all performing. I have done things like softball, track, basketball, and soccer as well. I try to stay busy whether with work, sports, homework, or clubs. 

I am highly driven to complete tasks that I deem important to me. If it is not a high priority to me I will not work as hard on it. 

I have the uncanny ability to overthink events and situations and make them seem worse than they really are. If someone says something that could be taken in different ways, I almost always interperet it in a way that is the worst for me. This of course, makes me feel anxious, upset, sad, angry, and overall negative. 

Is this about my emotions now?

I am a person who is affected by the people I am around. If the people I am near are happy, I am happy with and for them. However, I think about how the events will effect myself and the people around me. That then creates what emotion I am feeling. 

Ok, but do I understand emotions?

I am  quite good at knowing what other people are feeling. I'm not always accurate but I try. Apparently, I am good at telling when people are lying as well. This makes me able to listen subjectively to people and see what they feel.

 

I feel as though I do not understand my own emotions as well as I can identify other people's. I don't have a complete controll over what I feel and the reasons for it.

One cause for some types of happiness that I experience is sensation. I am only a moderate sensation seeker, but I still feel a rush of happiness when I do dangerous and exciting things. Or sometimes when I do calm simple things.

I am a friendly, open, and sociable person. I am good at making friends as long as I am not nervous. When I make a new friend I am very loyal to them. I enjoy having people around and need the acceptance they provide. I desire to help and be admired by those around me.

Personality: Truth or Real?

I am a likeable person. I am open to new things and can go along with what other people like. I am a little impulsive but with enough forethought that I don't make a fool of myself. I believe that I am responsible and rebellious and this creates a fun yet safe combo. 

While I might be friendly and nice, I am also a worrisome person. I am affected by my emotions and I have a hard time working through them. Being around people who I will see more than once makes me nervous because I have to gain their favor. I get anxious and extremely stressed out when I have a deadline or a performance that is counting on me. 

Denial 

I often use this defense mechanism. Unfortunately, it can create some situations I have a hard time around. The issue of time is one that I suffer from, yet I always find time to snapchat people back. I am constantly in denial that I have the time to finish everything I need to. Or the opposite problem, I actually have no time yet I will tell myself not to worry about it and that I have more time than I think. 

Defensively coming up with a way to deny that I use these

Reaction-Formation!

I am very guilty of using this to reduce my stress in situations where I feel guilty. Especially if it has to do with attraction towards people that are not available. I have run into problems using this one because it doesn't stop the feelings it just hurts the people around. And putting the opposite feeling onto the problem feels wrong because it is basically lying to yourself and everyone around you.

The me you don't see

 I am a very anxious, self-doubting person. My opinions are not as stable as I wish they could be. They seem to flow with the way that other people are. I am supportive of people as much as I can be but sometimes I just can't. I am quite judgemental rather than kind like people see. I get nervous whenever I talk because I am afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting someone. I will admit that I am smart, but not as smart as some people think I am. I overall am a less confident, scared version of the person everyone sees.

I have been told that I am confident, strong, conscientious, smart, kind, supportive, and opinionated. And some of those are qualities about myself that are true and shine through. But my outside personality is different from the one most people don't see. It's like the difference between a selfie, and a candid photo of a sneeze. 

I struggle with an eating disorder known as anorexia. I have always been overly self conscious about my weight and how I look. It has gotten better because of amazing friends and supporters, however it is still a problem. It started in 8th grade because I was much heavier than the rest of the people in my school. I continued this unhealthy lifestyle resulting in being malnourished and passing out several times. Junior year was the low moment for me, I got really sick during April vacation and had to go to the hospital. I only stayed a few days and it was embarrasing. I'm hopefully going to fully get over this in the near future.

The me you really don't see...

I am Neurotic 

But this is not for a childhood problem. This is simply because I want to be respected and admired. I worry that I will not be accepted so I have high standards for myself and my actions. This causes stress and anxiety in my life. 

I am a sociable person! 

Even if I hate people, I am a person who loves to be around them. I am better when I am with people than when I am without them. This might help me in my nervousness around new people.

And so what we have learned applies...

I am Perceptive of people

This means that I can discern what other people are feeling. I am glad to know this because I can help the people I care about if I am more confident in my ability to understand them.  

“Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.” (Sigmund Freud)

Using defense mechanisms and trying to be somone you're not is not always the best idea. Sometimes being completely truthful with yourself gives you a clarity on how to deal with things. I personally need to be more honest with myself because I am not usually and it can be detrimental to me.

“If one does not understand a person, one tends to regard him as a fool.”

(Carl Jung)

If we don't know the cause behind a person's action, we may judge them for things we don't understand. This quote makes sense to me because it is exactly what I worry about. I don't want people to judge me falsely or think I am a fool.

“What a man can be, he must be. This need we call self-actualization.” (Abraham Maslow)

This is Maslow explaining the highest goal in his heirarchy of needs. This is what we all should be striving to reach. In order to get this you must be comfortable with who you are and who you can be. I have to figure out what I can be and be satisfied with that rather than upset that I cannot do everything.