Ask Coach is how a coach works with clients to support change, transformation, growth.

Ask Coach
Dear Coach,
Lately I've been hearing a lot
about people who can inspire,
inform and support me in
creating the life of my dreams.
Is this true?
Sincerely,
Ready For Change
Dear Ready for
Change,
Yep, it’s true. There are many
types of Coaches depending on
what you’re looking for. Life,
Relationship, Health and
Wellness, Business and
Executive coaches all work
to support you in making the
shifts and changes you need
in order to create the life you
deserve. In this book you’re
going to hear from many of
the worlds top coaches as they
answer some of their most
common questions.
Sincerely,
Betsy Chasse
Dear Coach,
What is a Coach and how do I
find one?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Curiosity
Dear Mrs. Curiosity,
A Coach is an individual that
works with clients to support
change, transformation, growth
in many areas of their lives.
Coaches are not therapists,
mentors or consultants. They
have a specific method of
asking questions which
inspires you to seek your own
answers. They dont focus on
the past, they help you step
into your future with eyes
wide open understanding and
ability to live your life to the
fullest! While Coaches don’t
really give advice, I will…since
I’m not a Coach. Do your
research, ask a lot of questions
and get referrals. It’s important
to work with someone who is
best for you and your
situation. The Coaches in this
book have on average 5-10
years of professional
experience, have a certification
and or license and have been
specifically trained for what
they do. You deserve the best,
so find the best coach!
Sincerely,
Betsy Chasse
Compiled by Betsy Chasse
i
ASK COACH
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First Edition
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1
Introduction:
Chérie Carter-Scott, Ph.D. MCC
Coaching:
An Idea Whose Time has Finally Arrived!
In these complex times, we are bombarded by more stimulation than
ever before in the history of the world. We need to make more choices in
one day than previous generations made in their entire lifetimes. In addi-
tion, the world in which we live is constantly changing, daily, hourly, and
moment to moment. Technological changes alone can make your head
spin. Mergers and acquisitions are forged in private and change the way
we do business, and terrorist attacks shatter our peaceful existence leave
us in shock and deep pain. e changes include but are not limited to:
environmental, political, economic, scientic, medical, and global. In ad-
dition, we also must contend with task-saturated lives in which responses
to a myriad of requests and demands are expected in nanoseconds; there
is less and less time available to sort or process information and data
and deal with disillusionment, disappointment, and dismissal. In short,
there appears to be less time, higher expectations, and a plethora of elec-
tronic devices demanding immediate attention requiring instantaneous
responses to a variety of questions, requests, and challenges.
Dr. Chérie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.
MCC
from International Coach
Federation with over 10,000 hours;
she is the original Life Coach and
founder of the Coaching Industry.
2
Cultural dierences in a global economy have become increasingly im-
portant to multinational corporations, especially with expats desiring
to understand and respond to those from a totally dierent culture. As
our world becomes more interdependent, cross-cultural coaching has
become more important and as a result is being embraced globally.
Stimulation comes in the form of text messages, email, social media,
Internet, video walls, billboards, advertising, newspapers, magazines, 300
cable TV stations, DVDs, video games, e-mail, random ambient noise,
music, radio, cell phones, movie downloads, millions of apps and so on.
For the most part when stimuli bombard us, the advertising messages tell
us to buy, do, or to go somewhere. e messages indicate that we would
be happier and our lives would denitely improve if we did something
dierent from our current behaviors. is is the reality of the twen-
ty-rst century the world in which we live, and the pace of change will
only increase. e world has changed and is in a constant state of ux.
In addition to the constant barrage of stimuli, we also must contend with
task-saturated lives in which responses are expected instantaneously,
and there is minimal time available to make decisions and choices. All of
this scarcity of time creates pressure and with higher expectations comes
stress. With stress emanates confusion, doubt, uncertainty, and a certain
amount of anxiety. If you are juggling multiple tasks, trying to get more
done than seems possible, and are faced with decisions you don’t feel
condent making, you are not alone. Pressure. Expectations. Decisions.
Choices.
Make the right decision! Don’t make a mistake! Everyone is watching.
Seize the moment, brand yourself, take a “sele,” post it, be socially savvy!
Every moment counts…Expectations matter…they are waiting!
Many people secretly think, “I don’t know what I want…and if I did
know, would it matter? Could I really have my life be the way I want?”
Concerns swirl around in questioning minds, “What job should/could
I do? Where should I live? Where do I t? Who is the right match for
me…who could love me? Am I kidding myself? I’m not perfect… Is there
3
anyone out there for me? What matters to me? How do I decide? Is it even
possible to have what I want? Am I just dreaming? Will I ever be happy? Is
happiness even possible? What should I do? Where should I go? Who can
I trust? What do I want? What am I doing here? What is my life about?
Where are the answers? Who do I ask? Too many options, choices, deci-
sions; it can be overwhelming! is leaves people with little time to reect.
ese questions did not surface 100 years ago! e task of nding the an-
swers to these questions is the condition that has given rise to the coach-
ing conversation…a way for the individual to focus, articulate, grow,
and transform themselves and their lives into a inner-directed fullling
possibilities. is confusion, doubt, uncertainty, and fear has given rise
to the coaching profession.
For coaching to be eective there are four items that must be in place.
ey are 1) Desire, 2) Willingness, 3) Belief, and 4) Commitment. Desire
means that the person must want something dierent from their current
circumstances. Willingness is the capacity to do whatever is needed and
wanted. Belief means that they can imagine that things can be dierent
and that they can have a role in their personal development. Commitment
means that the individual will not give up and will stay the course until
the realization of their dream. If the individual possesses these four qual-
ities, then coaching has the possibility of working!
Beware of the weekend coach training that certies you to become a life
coach! Beware of those who enter the profession because they see op-
portunities to earn a lot of money! Beware of those who call themselves
coaches, because they like the title, but have no training, experience, or
certications! Because you declare yourself a coach does not mean that
you can truly help people nd their answers.
An individual may have natural ability, a big heart, or the courage to
confront you when you are evasive, but if they don’t know what they
are doing, they could either have no impact at all or they could even set
you back through unethical practices, diminishment, dishonoring, or de-
fensiveness. Coaching requires skill and timing, tact and nesse, courage
4
to probe deeper and the sensitivity to know when to be totally silent.
Coaching is a profession that combines heart and power, connection and
accountability, ethical partnering for results. It is a profound experience
to witness and an honor to have your blind spots brought into the light.
ere are many reasons to enlist the support of a professional certied
Coach. Here are some of them…
Starting Each Year with Focus
Each January you can meet with your coach to help you determine your
goals for the year. If you don’t have goals, you could easily become con-
fused as to where to focus your energy. Once you have formulated your
goals, both you and your coach can focus on what you want to achieve
and can help you with obstacles and challenges that could get in the way
of your success. e Coaching conversation regarding values, focus, and
goal setting aligns both of your energies toward agreed upon objectives.
is is a good starting place for a new Coaching relationship. Confronting
what you want, what is blocking you, and what you might be avoiding is a
good use of your Coaching relationship.
Acting as a Sounding Board
A coach will help you externalize your thoughts and feelings regarding
your secret wishes, aspirations, and dreams. Your coach will encourage
you to share them along with whatever might be in the way of achieving
them. A coach helps you to track your progress and to recognize, rein-
force, and reward the achievement of your goals.
Bridging the Gap
Every coaching conversation addresses “Here” and “ere.” Managing
the gap is a fundamental aspect of coaching. When the stretch between
where you are presently and your desired future reality is more than you
can deal with by yourself, a coach helps you bridge the gap between “here”
and “there.” A coach helps manage any negativity, fears, or lack of belief
in the “I can’t” side or the “Negaholism” that can surfaces in the form of
confusion, doubt, uncertainty, and fear that can sabotage dreams.
5
Believing in You
Research has shown that people who believe in themselves are much
more likely to make their dreams come true than those who don’t. If
your dream requires you to stretch your self-image, then your coach will
help you nd the building blocks between your current perceptions of
yourself to your desired identity.
Mirroring
Your coach will also act as a mirror, enabling you to see your blind spots,
what is evading your view. Your coach enables you to see that which you
may have diculty seeing on your own. It might be a pattern of behavior
that worked in the past, but no longer is eective. It might be fear of
change or the unknown. It might be holding on to what you know rather
than embrace the dream.
Getting Back on Your Feet
A coach will help when you encounter disappointment, failure, disillu-
sionment, or rejection. When your big goal seems to constantly be shut
down, you’re told that “you’re crazy,” or everyone says, “Not interested,”
your coach will either help you reframe these experiences or assist you in
overcoming the hurts, objections, and perceived failures, and breaking
through the blocks.
Facing a Crossroad
Sometimes it is dicult to sort out what direction you should take.
Deciphering whether circumstances indicate that you should abandon a
project or whether the indicators are simply tests to see how much you
really want something can be challenging. Perhaps you have been in a
long-term job or career and are bored, unmotivated, or burned out. You
maybe considering a minor adjustment or a major change, but the ratio-
nal, reasonable and practical side of you is applying the brakes. Using a
coach to determine whether you should or want to make the change will
quiet the voices in your head and help you make a clear choice.
6
Holding You Accountable
You may be a very positive person who is surrounded by people who
are negative or diminishing, have exceedingly high expectations, or are
perfectionistic. If you are in such a situation, you probably take your ac-
complishments for granted, have diculty being acknowledged for your
achievements, and maybe even discount, discredit, or let yourself o the
hook when you don’t do what you say you will do. A coach will support
you in acknowledging yourself, in doing what you say you want to do,
and in being resolute with any negative or judgmental people surround-
ing you.
Embarking on a New Chapter
Perhaps your company was acquired, merged, or went public, then what
do you do? A coach will help you acknowledge yourself, sort out your
new aspirations, capabilities, and proclivities, choose what is in your best
interest, and embark on your new venture. Sometimes the challenge is
too few options…the ip side is having too many options. Your coach
can facilitate you shiing from the vicious circle to creating a straight line
toward the goal you truly want.
Examining Unrealized Dreams
What becomes of unfullled dreams and goals? Your coach will help you
discover the lessons that you can learn from those unrealized dreams so
that you can gain insight and grow from everything that happens to you.
Whether you want to put those old dreams to rest or exhume them, mak-
ing a conscious choice will enable you to focus, plan, and execute.
Providing Validation and Recognition
It is important to have at least one person who recognizes your accom-
plishments. Having a safe space to formulate and discuss your goals, to
share your concerns, worries, considerations, and fears is extremely help-
ful. Every time you externalize your doubts, it reduces their power over
you. Your coach will acknowledge your progress, validate your insights
and progress in changing in old behaviors, then appropriately, celebrate
your success!
7
Overcoming Fears and Blocks
A coach will help you overcome fears and make the seemingly impossible
happen. ere are times when you need to make an important medical
choice about a procedure, an approach to healing, or to agree to surgery.
ese are tough choices and making them can feel lonely, confusing, and
fearful of making the wrong decision. ese are the moments when a
Professional Life Coach will support you through indecision and uncer-
tainty to an integrated choice that is truly yours and feels right.
Formulating Goals & Objectives: “Personal Business Plan”
You always want to put objectives into the innitive form of the verb.
When you do this you have forward motion and an immediate focus.
You determine what you want to get out of the session. Here are some
examples:
To overcome…
To clarify…
To formulate …
To manifest…
To create a plan…
To determine…
To overcome…
To organize…
To strategize…
To discover or illuminate…
Use Goals for Personal & Professional Achievement
If you are achieving all of your goals, then perhaps you need to make
them more challenging. Goals should have a blend of three elements: 1.
Ones that you can denitely accomplish (comfort zone), 2. ose that
are a bit beyond your reach (discomfort zone), 3. ose that are a huge
expansion (stretch zone). If all of your goals are in the comfort zone, you
will easily accomplish them, however, you won’t be challenged to grow
and develop yourself professionally.
Your Coach will help you to uncover what might be in the way to achiev-
ing all of your goals. If some of your goals are not accomplished, your
8
Coach will help you discover the lessons that you can learn from those
unfullled goals so that you can uncover the insight and grow from ev-
erything that you experience.
Why do some goals remain unfullled? Unrealized goals become the
subject for your personal development program that you can focus on
in your coaching. While you examine the what, the whys, and the why
not’s related to your specic goal, your Coach supportively encourages
you to look deeper to nd your “Real Truth.” ere are dierent levels of
truth. Your Coach helps you to look underneath the appearances, and
persevere without settling for supercial reasons or justications, that
explain not doing what you said you would do.
Objectives
Typical objectives for a coaching session are:
Work/Career: is relates to planning your career development strategy,
managing relationships on the job, solving problems at work, changing
jobs, changing careers, and/or planning a promotion.
Health: A health concern of yours or that of a family member can prevent
you from optimum eectiveness, including eating, sleeping, exercise, nu-
trition, pain, energy, vitality, sight, meditation, hearing, motivation and
passion for your job.
Balance: How to develop balance between work and leisure time, manag-
ing stress, and structuring your time so that you feel in control.
Happiness: What is blocking you being happy, and what needs to happen
for you to create a happier life.
A stressful concern: Something you are thinking or worried about.
Relationships: is includes the relationships with all signicant people
in your life including: family, friends, bosses, sta, and colleagues.
9
Finances: is includes how to live within your means, how to solve an
immediate nancial problem.
Family: is includes the relationship between you and your parents,
your children, and extended family members.
You might have a specic issue like: confusion of priorities, procrasti-
nation, the inability to politely decline or say “No,” to specic requests
you receive; it could be the desire to overcome blocks to public speaking,
rejection in sales, dealing with high level executives, or even nding your
happiness. e most important aspect of working with a Coach is the
rapport between the two of you. e connection needs to feel totally safe,
as if you could say anything and would still experience unconditional ac-
ceptance. e connection with your Coach must be free from judgment;
and your Coach must believe in you and support you in making all of
your visions, dreams, and goals become reality.
External Accountability
You may be a very positive person who is surrounded by people who
might be diminishing, have exceedingly high expectations, or might be
just plain negative (Negaholic). If you are in such a situation, you might
take your accomplishments for granted, have diculty being acknowl-
edged for your achievements, and maybe even discount, discredit, or let
yourself o the hook when you don’t do what you said you would do. In
this circumstance you could possibly use a person to serve as external
accountability. A Coach can support you in acknowledging yourself, in
doing what you said you wanted to do, and in being resolute with the
negative people around you. Coaching is one way to stay on top of the
challenges presented to ensure that you are the CEO of your life, authen-
tically fullling your mission.
Being a great executive or life coach means that you hold yourself to a
higher standard, that you live the process called... “You can have your
life be the way you want,” and you model the behaviors that you require
from your clients. is isn’t easy by any means, but if this profession is
your true “calling” your life is about being your best self and empowering
10
others to fulll their potential. Welcome to the wonderful profession of
coaching!
11
Ask Coach!
Michael A. Pomije, PCC
Am I Coachable?
e professional Coach “partners” with the client.
Before we mention anything about partnership, we need determine if the
client is coachable.
What does it mean, to be coachable?
e coaching client should be ready, willing, and able to be coached.
Let me explain what I mean by ready, willing, and able. Ready means
prepared for the task ahead. Willing means disposed and cooperative in
attitude or behaviors associated with the endeavor. Able means qualied
and competent to meet the challenges presented.
is is also referred to as “above the line thinking.” Above the line think-
ing means that the client takes responsibility for his/her life and is willing
to see what she/he “can do” dierently to produce a dierent outcome.
Clients who are coachable possess a can-do attitude, are willing to en-
vision their desired future, take the steps required, and are capable of
causing their desired results to happen.
Michael A Pomije, PCC
A Professional Certied Coach
(PCC) credential by (ICF) and is an
Executive Life Coach, Facilitator
and Mentor.He trains in US, Asia,
and Europe with the ACTP and
ASCTH programs (accredited by
ICF).
12
is is compared to “Below the line thinking” which constitutes a “can’t
do” attitude, being at the eect of one’s circumstances, feeling powerless,
stuck, and blaming others for their repetitious patterns. Below the line
clients might better consider therapy as an alternative to coaching.
Coachable clients need to embody these four characteristics:
Desire, Willingness, Belief, and Commitment
Desire to have things dierent than they are presently.
Having the motivation to experiment with something totally new.
Willingness is the quality or state to be ready to explore and experiment
with something new.
Belief that it is possible to have what you want.
Commitment is a state being dedicated to stay the course.
Having these four characteristics is a way to determine if the client is
coachable. Needless to say there are a few more conditions that the client
is required to commit to before the coach agreement is rmly established.
Coachable means that the client has a goal, a concern, or an objective to
address in the session.
Coachable means that the client is open discussing their goal, concern, or
objective openly with the coach.
Coachable means the client is willing to resolve their challenge.
e client needs to determine whether coaching is right for him/her,
consider the benets, new perspective and awareness they’ll gain from
coaching.
If you want to know if you are coachable, ask yourself do I want to devote
time, energy, and money to realize my goals and desires? Do I want to
discover new options and choices in my life?
13
If any of these thoughts and feelings bring you a resounding “Yes,” then
the nal check will be checking with your intuition to see how it feels to
be coached.
e next step is the Chemistry session with the potential coach.
14
Ask Coach!
Michael A. Pomije, PCC
Is it ethical to coach both the husband and the wife?
e rst step in coaching a couple includes individual chemistry sessions
with each client to determine if there is a connection and sucient rap-
port between coach and each individual client. 
In this situation, the two clients will be interviewed separately and then
together. It is customary for the client to interview the Coach, as well as
the Coach interviewing the client.
e chemistry session presents the coaching conversation, the ground
rules for coaching couples, (which are dierent from those for individu-
als), and the opportunity for each individual to choose and buy-in to the
coaching process. If all goes well the chemistry session passes the test,
both clients (husband and wife) agree to be coached independently and
then together.
What can be expected in the rst two sessions?
ere are two ways to approach couples coaching better known as re-
lationship coaching. First, the coach and one spouse have their private
coaching session one-on-one. Next, the other spouse will have a private
one-on-one session. e third session will be the three of them, husband,
wife, and coach all together. is session will address their separate real-
ities and the issues/objectives that need to be addressed in the coaching
sessions. For example, one question might be: what is working in the
relationship? A second question might be what is not working? A classic
situation involves the allocation of time. e wife might express that she
doesn’t have enough time with her husband, and he might state that he
wants more time with his hobbies, sports, and his friends.
15
In couples/relationship coaching, there is the inherent requirement to
remain neutral to support both people equally while honoring their
dierences.
Each session is designed with its own objective formulated by each client.
e objective is the focus of the session and will be used as a divining rod
to keep both people on track.
Imagine the rst session with client number one, the husband. He shares
with the coach his desires and his various secrets regarding his relation-
ship. Imagine what is going on in the coach’s mind when he anticipates
having a session with client number two, the wife. e coach meets with
the wife and hears her secrets; the coach then must compartmentalize the
husband’s objectives and secrets, so he (the coach) can be fully present to
support the wife.
Let’s just increase the complexity of the situation. Imagine that both
husband and wife are each having extramarital aairs. is is an op-
portunity for the coach to review the conict of interest documentation
when coaching both individuals at the same time who both have secrets
from their partner. e coach will need to address the “secrets” with each
client to see what they want to do regarding disclosing their withheld
communication to their partner. If neither client wants to disclose this
information to the other, then addressing the conict of interest is prob-
ably the next step in the process.
Acting non-judgmentally is fundamental to the coaching process.
How does the coach honor condentiality with two clients who are not
being transparent with each other?
Finding a resolution may or may not be the most important thing in their
relationship.
If both of the partners are having aairs then the relationship may or may
not be salvageable, depending on the agreements in the relationship. e
coaching may not result in a happy ending, however, both clients will
16
probably retain their individual coaches and then sort out whether to
keep things the same or make some signicant changes.
17
Ask Coach!
Michael A. Pomije, PCC
My client wants the ideal desired outcome to be
successful!
Sometimes individuals will feel guilty and fearful if they do not listen to
their inner guide (gut) to make personal and professional decisions.
Sometimes people make decisions because other people think they know
better than the individual does.
Sometimes the person may not listen to their inner-voice to make a per-
sonal decision instead they listen to more successful or educated ones
who they think might know better than they do.
e coaching agreement starts with the connection and co-partnering
with the client. e coach explores with the client and then the client will
make the choice based on what he/she might want out of the coaching
session.
A successful marketing veteran in the IT sector was oered a new high
paying salary to relocate to another organization. He was a successful
leader in his department, but he was stuck in his head wondering if he
should take the new position. Was it a want or a should, a choice or a
decision to go for this new job? What were the driving factors; head vs.
heart. Was his mind giving the orders or was it his heart going with the
value he would bring to the new organization.
What were people saying on the outside looking in would he be just as
successful with relocating just for the money, but he’s leaving his buddies,
friends and colleagues behind, will he be successful with this new team?
Was he selling out!
18
I asked him to share his desired outcome and what the future would
look like if he were to take the new job. He stated, simply, an obvious
salary increase, better benets, bonuses, more vacation time to be with
my family and ultimately the opportunity to have a comfortable lifestyle
together.
is is what the importance of the “I want factor” to relocate to this new
position. It would serve him well and he was selecting it on his scale of
60% / 40% choosing openly with his heart.
It was important to recap what he was stating to get his buy in for the
ideal outcome that he wanted to create for his family and himself. Was it
a risk making the leap to another tech company? Was he concerned with
what people were talking about behind his back? Did it look like he was
just going for the money…bigger better!
Once we put in place the ideal situation, I recapped to him his process
about accepting the new position. What it looked like, what it felt like, to
wrap his vision around this goal understanding systems and procedures
and he did make an agreement to himself to check in with his family to
make sure he was on track with his purpose.
Sometimes you will coach a client that has made a choice or decision
with their heart or their head, but we want to make sure that if you’re
to move forward, will they be judging themselves for making the wrong
choice? Will they receive a negative judgment from others or the fear of
success or fear of failure could get in the way! What we do as coaches is
give the coach the opportunity to live their life from their expectations
and not the expectations of others without going for the dreams in your
life. What insights can you share to discover the steps for decisions?
From their inner truth the client is better able to make choices that serve
their own values, behaviors, beliefs that they choose rather then others.
19
Ask Coach!
Carol Look, LCSW, EFT Master
Why can’t I get out of my own way and stop
sabotaging my success?
e clients who ask me this are already successful and already well on
their way to building a thriving business, but they still nd themselves
blocking their progress on a regular basis. ey no longer blame the
outside environment, family, or colleagues for getting in their way – they
take full responsibility for this frustrating behavioral pattern.
Does this sound like you?
You know you have what it takes to be successful.
You see others with equal training get ahead of you in business
You have great intentions, but the “follow through” is a challenge
When you think of success, it makes you nervous or creates stress
You worry about how other people will react to your success
You feel embarrassed by how oen you get in your own way
e easy answer to this common question of why people sabotage them-
selves is: “Because you’re not targeting the real reason you sabotage your-
self.” But there are additional points that are critical to understand about
Carol Look, LCSW, EFT
Master
is a world-renowned speaker and
workshop presenter. She runs her
ICF- accredited Yes Code Coach
Program for practitioners who are
passionate about coaching others
to lead lives of exceptional success.
www.CarolLook.com
20
this topic. First of all, remember that if you are getting in your own way
and sabotaging your success, there must be a “good” reason for it. As I
said earlier, instead of criticizing yourself for your sabotage, look at this
challenge from a dierent angle. If you are getting in your own way, it
must be “solving” a problem for you or you wouldn’t be doing it.
So what problem does “getting in your own way” solve for you? See if any
of these possible answers resonate with you:
I’m afraid to fail
I’m afraid to succeed
I’m afraid to stand out
I’m afraid to shine
I’m afraid to rock the boat…
I don’t feel safe standing out
I don’t feel safe being successful
If I block my progress, they won’t have expectations of me
Suppose the problem is that you’re afraid of success. When you think of
yourself being successful, you picture yourself standing out and shining,
and that makes you uncomfortable and stressed out. You are certain that
if only you could get out of your own way, you would start to really shine
professionally (and personally) but you feel uneasy about it and keep
stopping yourself. You also suspect that your success might “rock the
boat” with other people at home or at work. In other words, they might
be jealous or unhappy with your success.
is means that your sabotage behavior is actually solving this problem of
not wanting to shine or rock the boat – if you never show up and actually
take your business to the next level, you won’t ever rock the boat, cause
discomfort or make other people feel inadequate about their own lives.
(Of course you can’t “make” anyone feel something they don’t already
feel… but I’m sure you’ve been blamed before…)
So you’re afraid of success, and it shows up for you in your behavior -
you’re late, you don’t get projects turned into your boss on time, you stay
21
unhappy at a desk job instead of breaking out as an entrepreneur, you
delay your dreams, you make excuses…
ink of what it would be like to really “shine and be successful.” Imagine
what this would look like, how it would feel, what accomplishments this
would include. Is this about nally writing your book? Getting promot-
ed? Finally putting your name out there as an expert? And who might be
bothered by this? Why does this image of you shining and being really
successful cause you stress or worry?
Now, rate your discomfort as you imagine yourself shining (on stage,
writing a book, losing the weight…) on the 0-10 point intensity scale.
If your fear is higher than a 4 on the 0-10 point scale, it is highly unlikely
that you will be able to break this cycle. When you don’t feel safe about
standing out, you will move heaven and earth to sabotage your success so
you are assured you will “survive” and not be attacked.
Now I’d like to lead you through a clearing exercise to help you release
this fear of shining. e technique I nd most helpful with breaking
the cycle of sabotage is called Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT),
or more commonly known as “tapping.” It was developed in the 1990s
by Gary Craig, a personal performance coach. It is based on an earlier
version of the technique called ought Field erapy, created by Dr.
Roger Callahan.
While focusing on the stress or emotional conict that is in your way,
you tap on various acupuncture points on the face and body with your
ngertips to release this block in the energy system. According to ancient
Chinese Medicine disciplines such as acupuncture, the electrical energy
in your body is carried along meridians, a network of highways in the
body. With EFT, we access these blocks in the meridians through the
tapping procedure and focusing. Focusing on a target is like calling up a
le on your computer – you can’t edit it until it has been accessed.
22
e rst step in this process is to choose your target problem – in this
case, your target could be “I’m afraid to shine” or “I’m afraid to succeed.”
You’ve already measured how high your distress is on the 0-10 point
scale; write that down so you can return to it aer the exercise.
Now, while tapping with your ngertips on the karate chop point on ei-
ther one of your hands (this point is located between the bottom of your
pinky nger and the top of your wrist on the outside of your hand) repeat
the setup statement that combines the problem with an armation. It
will sound something like this:
Karate chop point: “Even though I’m afraid to succeed and really shine, I
deeply and completely love and accept myself.” Repeat this 3 times.
en tap on the following acupuncture points while repeating the target
reminder phrase, “I’m afraid to shine.”
Eyebrow Point (above your nose, at the beginning of the hair on either
eyebrow) I’m afraid to shine
Side of Eye – (outside corner of either eye) I’m afraid to shine
Under Eye – (bony orbit under your eye) I know they won’t like it
Under Nose – (on your upper lip) I’m afraid to shine
Chin – (between your chine and your lower lip) My success will rock the
boat
Collarbone – (one inch to the le or right of the bumps at the end of your
collarbone) I don’t want to shine
Under Arm – (4 inches below your armpit) I’m afraid to really stand out
Top of Head – (top of your head) I’m afraid to shine
Now go back to your target statement – “I’m afraid to shine” – and repeat
it out loud while you picture yourself succeeding, and measure how high
your fear is now on the 0-10 point scale. What’s changed? Do you still
worry about other people’s reactions? Does shining still feel scary to you?
Do you feel more comfortable picturing yourself as successful as you
want to be? For most of you the number will have decreased when you
23
picture your success and repeat the target statement out loud.
Continue more rounds with this tapping exercise until you no longer
feel afraid to shine, and “their” possible reactions to your success don’t
bother you anymore. When your emotions about shining and succeeding
subside with the tapping, you will no longer “need” to sabotage yourself
by getting in your own way. Being successful in your eld and actually
shining as your best self will now be appealing and inspiring to you, and
you will nd your behavior changing quickly and easily.
I encourage you to use this technique on any emotion or behavior that is
blocking your success. Aer what I’ve witnessed personally and profes-
sionally, I know that the sky is the limit when it comes to powerful results.
Carol Look, www.CarolLook.com
24
Ask Coach!
Kristin Grayce McGary
How To Assemble your Health Care Dream Team
You shop for shoes, for a great hair stylist, healthy dog food and an
honest auto mechanic. Right? But how many people think to shop for
a health care provider? And yet your health is so much more important
than shoes and dog food!
Shopping around for the best healthcare provider is essential to both
physical health and emotional well-being. I understand that we’re taught
to think of doctors as all-knowing, god-like creatures. And you might
feel constrained by your health insurance plan’s provider network. But
you have more choices than you might think. As a holistic, comprehen-
sive, functional, and patient-centered healthcare provider, I encourage
all my patients to interview me in order determine if we are a good t.
Compatibility breeds condence and trust, providing a foundation that
supports empowerment, healing, and transformation.
Among other things I am a licensed practitioner of traditional Chinese
medicine and an acupuncturist. I tend to avoid the Western medical
health model, except for acute trauma care. But if you are on the hunt for
Kristin Grayce McGary
Author, speaker, trainer, and
expert in holistic, comprehensive,
functional, and individualized
health care.
25
a good Western physician, here’s my advice. First, seek Medical Doctors
(MD), Naturopathic Medical Doctors (NMD), Doctors of Osteopathy
(DO),Licensed Acupuncturist (they are primary care providers in states
like California), and Doctors of Chiropractic (DC) within your insurance
plan’s provider network. As your plan permits, also look beyond the
network. Get referrals from trusted friends and like-minded people who
received huge benet from a particular healthcare provider.
If you are a woman, you may prefer a female doctor. at’s ne! It’s im-
portant that you nd someone you trust, someone who takes the time
and care to hear and understand you. It’s also okay to expect attention.
If a doctor spends only ve minutes with you before rushing to their
next patient, how comprehensive is their diagnosis? at is hardly an
approach likely to inspire trust. If a doctor’s rst response is to give you a
pharmaceutical drug without learning about your nutrition and lifestyle,
I advise you look elsewhere. Look for a well-rounded alternative health-
care provider who isn’t enmeshed in the disease-centered, drug-focused
Western medical model—a doctor who provides comprehensive care
without distortion from the nancial incentives provided by Big Pharma.
For each prospect, call the oce and request a no-cost, ten-minute phone
consultation directly with the doctor—not an assistant—to ask them a
few questions to see if it’s a good match. is is a brief meet-and-greet
interview and most doctors are happy to do this. Some may request you
come into the oce for your chat. Please advise them that you will provide
your insurance information only aer you have decided to become their
patient. You can name the insurance provider, just so they know you are
covered. If you are paying out-of-pocket, please be sure they understand
you should not be charged for this brief consultation. Any doctor who is
unwilling to meet you on such terms is clearly not interested in you as
a prospective patient—only a number—and you should move on to the
next name on your list. Don’t give up! e right doctors are out there
waiting for you.
(Buyer Beware Tip: If an oce has your insurance information prior to
your call or ten-minute “vetting” visit, they may bill you for the doctor’s
26
time and that will impede your ability to consult with multiple doctors.
Don’t let them talk you into giving your insurance information unless they
guarantee they won’t bill your insurance for a simple meet-and-greet!)
I cannot stress enough that nding the right doctor is vital for providing
the supportive experience you need to achieve optimal physical and emo-
tional health. Such interviews will completely change your healthcare
experiences and outcomes. Remember:
You don’t need to be undervalued, le in the dark, mistreated, ignored or
disempowered about your health ever again!
Now, here are four questions I encourage clients—and now you—to ask
prospective doctors in that meet and greet. eir answers will guide you
toward a compassionate and skilled healthcare provider who is a good
match. Listen to their answers, then check-in with your head, your heart,
and your gut (intuition). Notice the doctor’s voice and demeanor. Are
they coming from their heart? Are they grumpy and in a hurry? Do they
inspire condence or instill fear? Do you feel comfortable in their pres-
ence? Do you feel respected, or do they condescend? Remember, people
love to talk about themselves. Any doctor worth his or her salt will not
hesitate to answer these questions.
1. What is your training and eld of expertise?
Give the doctor an opportunity to share about their specialty with you.
Your symptoms may or may not fall into their eld of expertise. If not,
then ask for a referral to a trusted colleague who is a good match for your
set of symptoms or diagnosis. For your specic symptoms ask what they
think might be the root cause and how they would approach treatment.
2. Why did you go into medicine?
Give the doctor an opportunity to share the passion they have for their
eld and specialty. Do they really want to help alleviate suering? Do they
really advocate for your highest good and follow Hippocratic Oath to do
no harm? Do they seem hardened by years of overwork and struggle?
27
Do they seem frustrated aer protracted struggles with pharmaceutical
companies?
3. Have you ever been sick yourself? How did you regain your health?
Doctors who have suered illness themselves are the most compassionate.
If you get an armative answer ask who were the inuential doctors and
what were the eective therapies that most helped? A doctor’s personal
illness and recovery—their “healer’s journey”—can profoundly inuence
how they practice.
4. Are you willing to work as a team with my other healthcare providers
(alternative and conventional) to ensure I receive the best possible care?
If the answer is “no” that’s a deal-breaker for me and you must decide
for yourself if it also is for you. I only want to work with doctors who are
open-minded, open-hearted, and humble. Frankly, in all but the simplest
cases no single doctor will have all the answers for you. It really takes a
team—each oering their own knowledge, training, and skill—to fully
support you. As a healthcare provider I love being part of a team. I thor-
oughly enjoy meeting with medical doctors to discuss a functional blood
chemistry panel and share my insight on precursors to possible disease
patterns in order to address problems for a patient even before symptoms
arise. Most physicians I’ve encountered are excited to share information
and help people. If the doctor doesn’t like to work this way, s/he is likely
not interested in the comprehensive care you need and deserve.
5. Are you interested in nding the root of my symptoms or only masking
the symptoms with drugs? What is your approach to healthcare?
Many doctors will admit they are skilled in treating symptoms—not
healing. You should not dismiss them. But you should also regard them
as specialists who will be useful for specic and limited roles such as
emergency situations. I highly advise you to round-out your healthcare
team with other healthcare providers who oer a more comprehensive
and integrative approach.
28
Medication Considerations: If you are taking one or more medications
and wish to reduce or stop them, ask the prospective doctors about the
possibilities. Tell them you want a second opinion about your prescrip-
tions to determine if they are truly necessary, appropriately dosed, and if
there might be harmful interactions among them.
You deserve to feel empowered, supported and healthy!
Here’s another important point to notice: Did they ask you any questions
about your conditions and needs? Did they show interest and concern
for your wellbeing? If they didn’t, then Perhaps it isn’t the right match..
Shopping around for the right team of doctors can save you many hours
and days of frustrating interactions and many hundreds of misplaced
healthcare dollars that could result from misdiagnosis and mistreatment.
Positive relationships and empowered communication with your doctors
are a vital aspect of your healthcare and you are in charge! Finding and
working productively with the right team is a powerful act of self-love.
If you want help assembling a team, I am happy to assist as your advocate.
I know and speak the Western medical language and provide a compre-
hensive, patient-centered, and holistic approach to managing health. I
love working on a team to bring you the best possible care while resolving
your symptoms and addressing the root causes of your health issues.
Bottom line: It’s your body and your health and happiness. No one is
more invested in that than you. And no one else will stand up for those
things if you do not.
29
Ask Coach!
Dr. Jane Cox
My business is going through a time of growth and
change. Stress is high, there is a huge workload to
manage, and I am having to work really long hours,
often taking work home. e business will really
suer if I don’t give it most of my attention at the
moment, but it is having a hugely negative impact on
my personal life. My partner is constantly accusing
me of not giving her or our family attention, my
kids are acting up, I have no social life and I am
really worried that my home life is suering which
is adding to my stress. How can I handle this
successfully?
is is unfortunately a situation that so many people will be able to iden-
tify with! Sometimes life does go out of kilter, and if we don’t recognise
and manage that shi, we can end up with levels of stress that take all
of the fun out of life. Fortunately there are steps we can take to help to
manage these dicult situations in order to create a great outcome.
Dr. Jane Cox
A world-renowned human be-
haviours expert, business coach,
and a specialist on the psychology
of wealth and wealth creation.
www.drjanecox.com
30
Let’s look at this situation objectively: Your business is in a time of op-
portunity, and for a while will require extra leadership and management.
You are a family man, and your family are feeling your stress and your
absence. You feel trapped between your business and your family, and
everything feels like it has lost it’s sparkle. So if we deal with the business,
and we deal with the family, we can reduce your stress signicantly, and
make this an exciting time of possibility!
Let’s look at family rst. My number one recommendation here is
Communication! It is so easy, while we are so deeply engaged with some-
thing, to assume that everyone around us knows enough to understand
why you are behaving the way you are. If it’s important to you, and your
family are important to you, surely they must understand that you are
doing things for a reason. But of course, the decision to invest so much of
your time and attention on work is not just your decision to make, and by
involving your family in that decision, you will nd that a lot of misun-
derstandings will fall away and they will become your biggest supporters
rather than feeling like they are in opposition to you.
Try sitting down with your partner and explaining what is going on. Not
necessarily in great detail, but to share the picture with them. Let them
understand the thought processes that you have had, and the pros and
cons of the choices you are making. So for example, the conversation
might go something like this. “As you know business has been causing
me a lot of stress because we have lost two of our key clients. I am worried
about how this will impact on our lifestyle, and on the business itself.
However what I have done recently is made acouple of incredible con-
tacts and have a new great opportunity.
We need to do a lot of work to be able to take advantage of this opportu-
nity, and this means that I need to be working longer hours. If I do this, I
am hoping I will be able to stabilise the company, compensate for the loss
of clients, replace income, and I have the potential of creating a lot more
income than we have over the last few years.
31
If I don’t do this, we won’t be able to take advantage of this opportunity.
We would either have to nd ways to crisis-manage to keep the company
going, make changes to our lifestyle because of less income, and look for
other opportunities.
How do you feel, what questions do you have, and what would you like
us to do?”
When your partner answers, LISTEN. ey might have some great
thoughts or insights, because they will be on your side - wanting the best
possible outcome for both of you. Answer the questions, acknowledge
those feelings, and share your feelings with them too. When your partner
understands WHY you’re doing something, and they agree it is the right
decision, they will usually play their role in the success outcome. ey
will perhaps take on more of the household responsibilities, hold back
from criticism, oer you more support.
Remember, this is not a potential success that will be earned by you
alone, you will be earning it with the co-operation and understanding of
your family too. So when you and your partner have shared your feelings,
explained your realities, and found out where you can potentially take
strain o each other’s shoulders, then involve the children at an appro-
priate level. Explain that you are working long hours for a set length of
time (time specications are important - if you are going to carry on
working crazy hours indenitely, we have a whole dierent situation to
address!), and you are doing it so that you can stay living in your home,
driving your cars, sending them to their extra-curricular activities, going
on nice holidays, etc.
Acknowledge how grateful you are to them for understanding your
absence, and remind them that you love them, always, no matter what.
Remember, the benets of acknowledging everybody’s part in your suc-
cess or in your journey is priceless. Allowing them to take ownership of
their role, and to celebrate what then becomes a joint success, is such a
good bonding process.
32
And then, make the reward of the business success something that ev-
eryone is involved in. Agree, for example, that you will spend a two-week
holiday together in a place that everyone wants to go to, and involve them
in the decision of where to go and what to do. Agree perhaps to spend
a day every month doing something fun together and giving them your
full attention. And always, always, take all the opportunities you can to
remind them that you love them.
Business wise, spend some time analysing what you are doing, and why
you are doing it. Are you making decisions from a place of desperation?
Are you spending time trying to micro-manage your business? Are you
working smart? Are you utilising your sta appropriately? Are you bring-
ing your stresses and frustrations into your business?
Be objective, and be ruthless. Scrap the busy-work and do the strategic
work. Put a time-limit on your crazy working hours. Make an agreement
that you will stop and analyse what is going on with your business every
month, or every three months, or whatever is reasonable for your busi-
ness situation. Acknowledge that if things don’t settle down, you will
look at bringing in a support partner or employee to take on some of the
hours. Look at whether the opportunity you had is still real. Look to see
if you are moving forward.
e most important things are to be the one managing the situation, rath-
er than the situation running you. To keep your family abreast of what is
happening, and involve them as appropriate in decisions that impact on
them as well as on you. And never forget WHY you are doing what you
are doing. It is probably to create a good life for you and your family. If it
is not achieving that, it is not aligned to your why. If it is doing that, it is
worth the short term sacrice.
33
Ask Coach!
Dr. Jane Cox
I feel like I have employees that are not carrying
their weight. ey are making excuses, not following
instructions. Meetings seem to be pointless because
what they say they will do and what they actually
do are not the same. I feel like I’m carrying the
workload of the whole department, and am really
battling to get back respect and co-operation from
my team. What steps can I take to overcome this
challenge?
It sounds like you and your employees have a completely dierent view
of your business, and I can well understand your frustration and anger
that this will be causing you. It also is probably causing them just as much
dissatisfaction, and the best thing you can do is to break this negative
cycle and stop feeling like you are carrying the weight of the company on
your shoulders alone.
Set aside time for a meeting with every single member of sta. Ideally,
you want to nd out from them what they think is going on. Without
any judgement or interruption, listen to what their perception is, and
try to understand where their perception comes from. e truth is, you
may well have played a role in creating that perception, through lack of
communication, or through sending out mixed messages through your
behaviour.
Be careful not to interrupt their ow, or take things personally, or justify
or explain anything from your point of view. e oor belongs to them,
not you. You will learn and understand so much by listening to under-
stand, not listening to answer.
Once you have a clearer view of why they are behaving the way that
34
they are, you can now share appropriate information with them. One of
the things that causes the most most problems in companies is keeping
employees in the dark with what is going on in the company. If they don’t
know what is going well, and what is going badly, how can they partici-
pate in accelerating that success and preventing those problems?
Share your hopes and plans for the company, or for your department.
Let them understand your short-term, medium-term and long-term
strategy. Get them to share their thoughts and ideas with you - you will
oen be very pleasantly surprised by how much knowledge and talent is
amongst your employees. Very oen, they are in customer facing roles
that give them a great advantage is knowing what the customer wants,
where problems may lie, and where opportunities abound. Open up
those lines of communication. It is usually the rst step in recreating an
environment of trust, support and personal responsibility.
It is also a good idea to be honest with yourself. Have you been respectful
towards the other people in the company? If they don’t feel respected and
valued, they in turn will oen battle to value or respect you, or their jobs,
or their company. Are you praising successes when they happen, or just
criticising when things go wrong? I see it over and over again in compa-
nies, where all the focus is given to areas of weakness, and very little given
to areas of strength. It is the old “carrot or stick” philosophy - are you
always beating people up, or are you encouraging people forward.
It might sound like a cliche, but “where attention goes, energy ows”.
If all of the attention is on the stu that is not working, that starts to
become what dominates the company. When attention goes towards
what is working well, and praise is given to work well done, that is what
starts growing. Incentives work so well, and contrary to popular belief,
the value of the incentive has very little to do with it’s success. For most
people, it is acknowledgement of eort, and the gi voucher, or bottle of
wine, or box of chocolates, or extra money in the salary cheque is great,
but oen the “thank you” card, and the public acknowledgement of a
job well done, is the priceless thing that genuinely drives people forward
for more and more success. It changes the morale in the oce, and gives
35
every person the opportunity to feel valued and to know that they have
made a real, positive dierence!
e fact that they are not implementing decisions that have been madein
meetings, or not doing the work that they are expected to do, speaks vol-
umes. If they have been allowed to get away with less than constructive
behaviour, they have no real reason to change that behaviour pattern
unless you create that reason. Hold them accountable. Follow up on ex-
pectations. Put times in place for when each task should be completed.
is is not about micro-management, it is about good management.
Show them the eects that their lack of application has on the business,
and if relevant, show them how that aects them personally. Are they
proving that their job is redundant? Are all jobs at risk because there is
not enough money coming in to the company to help it to grow? But also
show them the value of a job well done. If people understand that the job
that they do plays an important role in a bigger picture, that will help
them to appreciate the importance of the role that they play in the success
of the company. Everyone wants to feel valued, respected, and that what
they are doing adds value.
It may take you a bit of perseverance to change what has probably become
habitualised behaviour, but it is well worth persevering! You have allowed
them to coast, for whatever reason, and of course it is probably easier for
them if you let them continue to get away with as little application as pos-
sible, so keep on keeping on. Remember too that you need to be leading
by example: are you doing the work that you are committing to do? Are
you hitting your deadlines? Are you holding yourself accountable? If you
are seen to be someone who is true to their word, you will nd it far easier
to manage other people who are seeing you “walk your talk”.
I did mention micro-management earlier, and this is something that I
always suggest is avoided at all costs. It really can cause so much frus-
tration and also adds so much to your workload. You employed each
person because you believed they had the skills and experience to do the
work at hand, so let them get on with doing it. When they are allowed to
36
take proper responsibility for their job, usually the quality of the work
and commitment goes up exponentially. And then, once they have done
their job really well, allow them to take the credit for their hard work,
and for the great results they have achieved. e more empowered each
employee feels, the better their approach is towards their job.
And one last thing that I have to mention for a reality check. Are they
working too hard? Are they actually battling to cope with their workload?
Sometimes we see fault where no fault lies. If their workload is too big,
then with the best will in the world, something is likely to end up being
neglected. Be open to the idea that you may need to employ another per-
son, or move people out of your department or company that are not
pulling their weight. ey may be feeling as stressed and as overloaded
as you, and when that is happening, a redistribution of responsibilities,
or employment of extra people will of course be the best route forward.
37
Ask Coach!
Dr. Jane Cox
I feel frustrated and unsettled at the moment.
I’m working hard, doing well, and feeling very
unsatised and empty about it all. I seem to have lost
my mojo! Any advice?
Oh this type of situation is so common, and actually makes me feel a little
sad! When you work so hard, and from the outside looking in your life
looks wonderful, but meanwhile the reality is exhaustion, despondency
and emptiness, where do you go to and what do you do?
My rst suggestion would be to step away from your life. Take a holiday,
lie on a beach, take some beautiful walks, and give yourself the oppor-
tunity to recalibrate and rethink what you are doing or where you are
going. What is really important at this stage, is to stop thinking, or trying
to reason why, or stop actively trying to think of what you should be
doing. e fact is you have probably been thinking in circles, and that is
literally trapping you into a thinking pattern that is not working eec-
tively for you.
Let your brain switch o, and tap into your gut feel. Start to trust your
feelings. It is oen a habit to immediately try to “think things through”, or
work out pros and cons of decisions ad innitum. e trouble with that
is that we oen lose touch with our real self. So reconnect. Find stu that
makes you happy - not necessary big things yet, like a new career path
or a dierent relationship, but the little things. Enjoying a great sunset, a
lovely cup of coee with a friend, a walk, or a lovely home cooked dinner
with your family. Allow yourself to fall back in love with life.
Discover what foods you really enjoy, and savour the avours. Find the
spots in nature that make your heart soar. Do activities that make you
happy - swimming, walking, painting, reading, tennis, golf, shing.... It
38
doesn’t matter what brings you happiness, but reminding yourself that
joy lies in pockets that you can access all the time, is so good for our souls!
and put everything into it’s proper perspective. Oen our lives seem to
lose their happiness because we are too busy being busy to just experience
that happiness that every day contains.
When you are going through this journey of reconnecting with things, big
and small, that make you happy, what you are also doing is you are also
reconnecting with the thoughts, ideas and feelings that genuinely belong
to you, when you are out of the inuence of your day to day circumstanc-
es. When you are feeling properly rested, relaxed and re-energised, then
you can gently start exploring your gut feel. What is causing your feelings
of frustration? Are you too reliant on other people? Is something missing
that you would like to add to what you do? Are you stretching yourself
too thin, and feeling like you’re not giving anything the attention that it
deserves?
What would you like to add into your career, or take out of your obliga-
tions, that would make you happy? Is it time to start looking at a change
of direction, or do you just want to make a few changes to what you do
at the moment? You may have got to the point where you crave more
stimulation and excitement, or where your life would be so much happier
if you were able to get rid of some of the work that you do, whether that
would mean bringing in employees or partners to do the work that you
no longer enjoy doing. Take a big breath: what makes you happy, and
what are you ready to let go of?
We are so blessed these days - if our life is not making us happy, we
have the power to create a whole new life. Allowing yourself this time to
reconnect with who you genuinely are, and what you actually want, you
are making the decisions on the “new life” that you are creating from a
position of strength, not a position of weakness. Operating from a place
of desperation tends to result in poorly thought out knee-jerk reactions
that just cause us to lurch through an “okay” life based on “okay” deci-
sions, and this is how we can end up getting “trapped” in our own lives.
39
You see, oen when we are setting out in business, out of sheer necessity
we might make short term decisions that might not be an ideal business
decision, but is a necessary business decision. Perhaps it’s for cash ow
reasons, or contacts you can make, or exposure to a new market that you
are looking to break into. While that is perfectly ne at the time, what we
need to be aware of is that those short-term decisions can become long-
term outcomes unless you keep yourself on track, and keep ensuring that
you are still heading in the right direction to achieve your goals and your
preferred outcomes.
Perhaps you have been working hard, and the work has become second
nature to you. Ask yourself: Are you keeping yourself stimulated and
learning? Is there stu going on that keeps you engaged and interested?
If not, nd something that would really be great to explore or learn, and
keep your brain exercised!
You may have lost that important balance between work and play. We
know it is important to keep some sort of balance in our lives, but realis-
tically there will be times in our lives where it is dicult to maintain this
balance. is is ne, if it is a short-term imbalance. When the unbalanced
life becomes your norm, it is really interesting how much it aect every-
thing about you - your mood, your energy, your happiness. Right now,
aer reconnecting with things that do make you happy, make a decision
to keep some of these activities that you are doing just for the sheer fun of
it! Life is not supposed to just be one big burden! It should be a mix of re-
sponsibility, enjoyment, hard work, stimulation, relaxation and change.
Don’t fear the change, and try as far as you can to enjoy a really great mix
of life experience!
And of course, last but not least, this is the most important question you
need to ask yourself as oen as possible: what is your WHY? Oen when
we have that feeling of frustration or emptiness, it may be because you
have strayed away from your WHY. What res you up? What burning
desire wakes you up in the morning? What do you dream about at night?
If you battle to nd your WHY, oen it helps to work with a great coach
to help you dig deep and connect with your core.
40
Sometimes, our WHY changes, so when you are thinking about it, ask
yourself if it is still your why. Oen when we are working on ourselves,
working hard, and growing and learning, we discover something that
feels even more inspiring than what we had the knowledge or experience
to know before. So ask yourself: Is this still my WHY? If not, don’t be
afraid to change it to your new sense of purpose, your new WHY. e
stronger your sense of purpose, and the more powerful the drive it exerts
on you, the more likely you are to succeed at your goals, and importantly,
the more fullment and happiness those goals will bring you as you work
towards them, and as you achieve them. Remember the joy needs to be in
the journey towards your goals, not just in accomplishing them!
Now step back into the driving seat of your own happiness: what are the
rst three things that you are going to do to take steps to change how
you feel? Start that journey, and make sure that those rst three steps are
ones that you can start taking right now. Strike out as soon as possible
in the actions that you feel will make a dierence in your life. And never
forget the huge benets that come from Committing yourself to doing
something every single day that makes you happy!
41
Ask Coach!
Tim Johnson - Meaningful Success
My business is running me: I’m giving it my all,
I’m juggling all the balls, spinning all the plates,
and making things happen. Sure it’s exciting and
rewarding but I just can’t see myself letting go of the
reins enough to ease back a little as it’s bound to fall
apart without me pushing so hard. Is there a way
round this?
is is a very common situation. When we start our own businesses it
inevitably becomes a lot of work to get up and running, that’s why most
start-ups fail. So well done for making it through this far. Inevitably as
the business owner you have more experience and more skill than any-
one else and you have more passion and drive to go with it. e business
is your baby and you have to be on top of everything to make sure it’s
just so.
is is so understandable, but before we look at oering solutions let’s
rst look at why you operate this way, it gives you key benets other-
wise you simply wouldn’t do it this way. And without addressing these
Tim Johnson
A success coach who helps people
get business results and personal
fullment. Tim is also author
of e Success Book – how to
grow yourself and your business,
published by LID publishing.
www.meaningfulsuccess.co.uk
42
key benets you’ll generate resistance to any form of change no matter
how rational or logical it may sound. You are going have to do the work
around this one as your particular case is dierent to anyone else’s but
let’s look at things that might be benetting you: You may feel that by
driving everything it makes you feel important, indispensable, that the
business needs you and all of these combine to make you feel worthwhile
and valuable. It maybe that you just can’t trust others to perform on your
behalf because you nd trusting people is dicult because you’ve been
let down badly in the past. It maybe that by being permanently busy
you don’t have to face the scary prospect of just being with yourself and
facing all the thoughts feeling and emotions that go with it, and perhaps
a deep sense of emptiness inside. So before going any further take time
out to be honest with yourself (It’s ok, no one else needs to know!) and
get clear about the benets to you of carrying on the way you are. Please
do this step.
Now you’ve seen why you operate the way you do, do you want to carry
on that way? If so, carry on, it’s your life and no one is stopping you, just
be aware of the trade-os you are making in terms of your health, your
future business growth and the impact both will have on your family,
friends and work colleagues.
If you do want to make a change then you’ll need to re-frame and re-ad-
just the reasons you operate like you do. For example, if you gain your
sense of self-worth from being at the coal face working hard, consider
re-framing this to you can enhance yourself worth by enabling others to
shine and develop their strengths. If you feel you can’t trust others, then
you’ll need to start nding evidence where people have been trustworthy,
when people have stepped up to the mark, where people haven’t let you
down, you need build an alternative picture. For what we focus on tends
to increase, so if we focus on people letting us down, guess what – that’s
what the world will provide us. If actually meeting and facing yourself
is the scary prospect as the alternative to being permanently busy, then
trust that the bottleneck is always at the top, and if you want to grow your
business, you’ll need to grow yourself.
43
Now you’ve had a look at your internal resistance to change, we can pro-
ceed. Here’s a 4 step process you can follow. I’ve developed two $5mil-
lion + turnover businesses from start-up in totally dierent industries
with this approach, so I know it works.
Strategy > Simplify > Streamline > Scale
1. Strategy
To look at your business (and your life) strategical;ly you need to take a
step back from the coal face, and take an obverview or helicopter view,
step away from the detail for now, and look at the bigger picture. Where
are going, why are you doing it? What are your core strengths? How
do you compete in the marketplace? What are the trends in the mar-
ketplace? Why is your business special, unique, what’s the edge that you
oer? How do you really delight your customers? What size of busi-
ness do you want to develop, how quickly do you want to get there?
ese are broad brush, qualitative questions it’s to capture the essence
of you, your purpose and your passions and where you want to go with
them. Do not slip into detailed planning mode with speci dates and
times otherwise these will become milstones around your neck that you’ll
feel the obligation to achieve rater than expericing the joy of setting out
on a journey of your choosing with all the adventure that the unknown
has to oer. is way you’l generate a clear compass point direction for
you and your business that you can be enthused and excited about for the
long haul.
2. Simplify
ere’s a good change that your product and service oering has grown
over a period of time. It can be dicult not to adapt to a customer’s
request for something dierent. It can seem to make sense to grow the
business by growing its product oering, and for creative types develop-
ing new products is simply so enjoyable! But there is a danger here, it’s
dicult to be really good at lots of things, it’s dicult to be known as “the
go to person” for that solution if the oering is too broad, it’s also much
harder to train other people to do more complicated and dierent things.
44
And quite simply it’s far too competitive out there to not to be brilliant,
and it’s easier to be brilliant at a smaller number of things. ere are very
few multi-disciplinary athletes, a narrow focus is one way to excellence.
ere is a case for creating a well thought out product staircase so you
can attract new clients with high value low cost starter products and
upsell them as they build trust in your brand, there is an argument for
cross sell options for similar reasons. But these mechanisms are not the
panacea they oen purported to be, if it over complicates your ability to
deliver: forget it. Both my very successful businesses were single product
companies.
3.Streamline
“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It
takes a touch of genius --- and a lot of courage to move in the opposite
direction.”
- Albert Einstein
Now that you’ve seen the big picture and strategically simplied your
business so that you are providing great products and services that you
are passionate about with a commercially eective business model, it
is time to streamline your business. Because you are doing less things,
and because you’ve set your vision for the long term future, you can now
aord to make things as easy as possible to deliver to your clients. is
means over time relentlessly reviewing and improving your procedures
and processes to make it easier and easier to perform well.
e key here is aim for the minimum amount of eort to achieve a con-
sistently outstanding result. Now that’s not an easy feat to pull o, so
use that as your guiding principle and reiterate over time. Involve your
team with this, as they are the ones who have live with the processes and
procedures every day. If you nd that you or your sta keep trying to by-
pass “the system” then that’s a sure indication that your system is not t
for purpose and is too unwieldly to deliver outstanding service with ease.
45
4.Scale
With a clear strategy, a simplied product oering, and streamlined
procedures and processes it’s now much easier to scale. Scaling a
business brings its own complexity and opportunities for creative
input and in my experience an exciting and rewarding experience.
With streamlined simplicity it is much easier to get people to the tasks in
hand to a high standard, it’s much easier to assess and measure perfor-
mance as it is much clearer what is going on,
One of my rules of thumb when in fast growth stage was never to carry
out an operational process for more than 6 months. In that time, I could
work out how to develop the function or role and then delegate it to
someone else. at allowed the business to grow, it enabled me to grow,
whilst understanding the mechanics of my business at a very detailed
way, and to never get bored doing the same old, day in day out.
When you take this 4 stage approach it can literally transform your busi-
ness, free up time for yourself, generate more money and you’ll have the
satisfaction of having created something more meaningful aecting more
people’s lives.
46
Ask Coach!
Tim Johnson - Meaningful Success
Is this it? I thought by now Id be much happier
with my life, but instead my business has turned
into a job that I can’t move on from. I feel stuck,
unmotivated and in a rut. How did it get like this
is there realistically anything that can be done about
it?
Many of us set up our own businesses having previously been employed.
We are attracted to having the control and exibility over our time, the
freedom from being told what to do, where to be, and at what time we
have to show up every day. What’s more we are sure we can do it better
ourselves, make a go of it “our way”make a good nancial return and
eventually the jet set lifestyle.
And yet aer the initial enthusiasm has worn o, you’ve developed your
business, and got yourself into a steady state. Which at the time was all
you hankered for aer the turbulence of the start-up years, with the peaks
and troughs that brought with it high stress robbing Peter to pay Paul to
make ends meet. But those days are long gone and it’s all got rather pre-
dictable, your same core group of suppliers and customers to deal with,
some come and go, but by and large it’s business as usual day aer day.
You can’t sell the business because it’s dependant on you being there,
and if you did you wouldn’t have enough to retire on or know what to do
next, aer all you’ve done what you’re doing for years now. You resign
yourself to the prospect of grinding it out until external events force you
on to a dierent path.
But it doesn’t have to be like that. ere are more options than you allow
yourself to consider. ere are two factors at play here, the lifecycle stage
of the business and lifecycle stage of you the owner. Businesses usually
47
follow 3 key stages. Stage 1 start-up: frenetic activity to get established
and to make ends meet, quite oen the business model and the product
oering may change and adapt at this stage. At the end of this stage there
may be some equilibrium and the business remains at that level, or it may
enter stage 2. Stage 2 is fast growth, the business has worked out its niche
in the market, has developed systems and processes to allow it to scale
up, and business takes o. is continues till some blockage occurs, such
as market share, investment constraints, comfort level of the size of the
business for the owner and so on, so at this point the business reaches a
plateau. To move on from the plateau of stage 2 it has 2 option for stage
3. Decline which will happen if the enthusiasm is lost, or a return to
growth.
Meanwhile for the owner when younger the motivation may have been
all about going out and making your mark, later about bringing in good
income for a home and family and then aer that has been done the
enthusiasm for the hard work of business growth can be lacking and a
vacuum space of thinking “Is this It?” emerges.
Here’s a 4 stage thinking formula that might help unlock a new way for-
ward for you.
Purpose > Promise > Passion > Prots
1. Purpose
It’s time to reconnect with your purpose. When was the last time you did
that? e chances are you have largely got here by default as the conse-
quences of a few decisions you took many years ago. Many things have
changed since then, and just as importantly so have you. Take time out
and reect what is important to you now? What makes you tick? What
would you do if money was no object? What were the underlying reasons
you took the decisions you took? Do they still hold valid today? What
would be dierent and why? Book a long weekend (or longer) away in
the countryside leave your email and social media activity behind – they
can wait – just this once. Connect with yourself for a change. Get still,
get quiet listen without censorship all the crazy ideas that may come up.
48
Many people believe we are on this planet for a reason and it’s our job
to discover our purpose. I’ve spent many a year on such a quest when
having time out aer a major car accident, and later aer some life and
business setbacks, only to be reminded that our purpose is what we create
it to be. It is up to us to design and develop our purpose. It is one of the
unique gis that we as human being have – we do get to choose. e
slightly scary bit is that it is our own responsibility, but that’s the fun part
too!
It doesn’t have to be some blockbusting big hairy audacious goal as the
perceived wisdom would have us believe, it simply needs to be some-
thing that creates meaning for you to be worth getting out of bed in the
morning. Unless you decide what you want your purpose to be you’ll
lost in no-man’s land until some external event knocks you and wakes
you up, where the chances are you’ll merely react to the situation and feel
powerless to transform your life. So why wait? Do it now, you’ve only
one short life on this precious planet.
2. Promise
Following on from your purpose how can you relate that to a promise to
your customer base that you’ll deliver to? What is it you’d love to known
for? is is a much HOW you deliver as it is WHAT you deliver. It can
make all the dierence.
3. Passion
When you focus on your WHY (your purpose) and your HOW (your
promise) it’s much easier to focus your activities on the day to day tasks
that can be mundane and repetitive in their nature. But what you focus
on grows and develops, and the same is in your business. My rst suc-
cessful business was manufacturing cupboard systems for oces. Now
let’s face it there is nothing intrinsically interesting about cupboards, but
with a purpose of being the best UK manufacturer of this product, and a
promise to deliver a made to measure product in an industry leading lead
time the focus on the relentless improvement to achieve that became a
passionate endeavour in own right. You see you create the purpose, you
49
create the promise and you create your own passion. It’s up to you, you
can do it.
4. Prots
When you get your purpose, promise and passion realigned the prots
start to ow. is gives you options of more time freedom, more invest-
ment, more learning, more growth. You see what ever stage we are at in
life if we are not continually growing we start to atrophy and fade away.
It doesn’t have to be the fast paced growth of your youth but “use it or
lose it” – use your mind body and spirit to create the life you still have
time to create.
Example
Let’s take the case of a sh and chip shop owner who’s been doing it for
years, has become jaded and certainly hasn’t the money nor enthusiasm
to grow by opening more shops or franchising. He’s known nothing else
and can’t see a way forward. He takes time out and realises he’s been
doing what he’s been doing purely to make a living, and the business
has succeeded in doing that. But now what? As he contemplates this he
thinks it would be really nice to have something that he’s proud of, some-
thing that would give him his twinkle back in eye. So he decides that he’s
going to transform his sh and chip shop into the best sh and chip shop
in the region. It’s not about just providing an income anymore, it’s about
him being the best he can be and creating the intrinsic satisfaction that
goes with that. So he takes care of his ingredients, he uses better oils and
changes them more frequently, he trains his sta in customer service, he
gives the shop a faceli and so on. e continual and gradual improve-
ment builds over time, his reputation starts to grow, he has pride in what
he’s developed, he gets written about in the press and in time he starts to
train other sh and chip shop owners how to develop their business and
their lives. e same business, a dierent attitude and a totally dierent
outcome. So what are you going to do with yours?
50
Ask Coach!
Tim Johnson - Meaningful Success
My business is going great – but the rest of my life?
Less so!
When we start a business it necessarily takes a huge amount of time and
eort to create the momentum to get it going in the rst place. Oen this
is an exciting time and it’s understood that there may be trade-os in the
short term as money is tight, and time and eort is directed towards the
business, because in the longer term the money will come owing back
in the other direction, and they’ll be the status, recognition and sense of
accomplishment when the business is successful.
So far so good. But two powerful dynamics are set in motion. e rst is
that success is out there…. when…. In other words, it will all come later
down the line when the business has reached the magical point when
everything is in your favour. e problem with this dynamic is that it’s
pervasive, by which I mean it never stops, there is always something else
just around the corner, the goalposts change and the hamster wheel ex-
istence is set. e second dynamic is that the sense of accomplishment,
self-worth and identity become ever more attached to the business. e
more hard work you put into the business the more it rewards you and a
positive feedback loop reinforces the dynamic.
Meanwhile at home the reverse dynamic is in play, your partner sees
you are more inspired by life at work than life at home, so the odd jibe
begins to creep in, as the atmosphere at home becomes less appreciative
and rewarding the propensity to spend more time at work is enhanced.
And the situation polarises. Explaining the benets that business gives in
terms of income doesn’t wash, because it’s attention and not money that
is the real issue.
I’ve been there, and given that divorce is the single most expensive busi-
ness decision you’ll ever make this is worth paying some attention to.
51
Aer much soul searching, research and reection I created a simple
model that forms the basis of all the Meaningful Success work. And from
this model it is much easier to see how to operate both your life and your
business.
ere are two worlds – the inner world inside our minds and bodies and
the outer world which external to our inner world. We have a tendency
to believe that favourable circumstances in the outside world will make
us (in the inner world) feel happy. And to a certain extent that is true,
and we are certainly conditioned to think that way. e problem with
that is that we eectively outsource our happiness to external events and
people. And that is not a smart thing to do!
ere are also two key essentials to our lives: Connection and Creation.
We are social animals without connection we life becomes meaningless,
and in ancestral times if we were ejected out of our community it usually
resulted in our death. So we are hard wired to be connected. Creation
on the other hand is our instinctive means of contributing to the external
world in whatever way that maybe whether as an artist or a refuse col-
lector. It’s from what we create that we gain our sense of self-worth and
sense of achievement.
So if we create a matrix with these four parameters it looks like this:-
52
Where the Outer Creation is the world of work where we create out
money. is is rational logical, Newtonian physics based world, where
we reside in our heads.
e Outer Connection is the world of people and relationships. is is
the heart based realm.
e Inner Connection is the connection we have with ourselves. is is
the inner peace and stillness realm. is is our soul connection.
And the Inner Creation is the domain of intent, the way we want to be,
the things we want to do and the things we want to have. is is the
realm of dreaming and imagination, the law of attraction and quantum
mechanics.
ere are proponents of each quadrant, and yes they are right there is
great merit in each and every one of them. e problem is this that they
have a tendency to promote that theirs is the only answer. ey are all
right, but they only have part of the picture. We need it all, and we need
it integrated.
is where the four Connectors to the four quadrants comes in
53
When we do the work of “know thyself” and become comfortable in our
own skin, regardless of external circumstances, we can start to create our
dreams and visions from a place of Authenticity rather doing what we
feel obligated to by society, our peers, partners or parents.
What we focus on we create more of, so when to focus on things that you
can Appreciate in the relationships you do have they will bring out more
of the qualities that you appreciate. So Active Appreciation is perhaps
the single most impactful change you could bring about to your life. is
works equally well in the home as it does in the workplace.
e connection between people and the workplace, the outer connection
and outer creation quadrants is Culture. Culture is simply the way we do
things around here. Typically, culture is le to default rather than being
deliberately designed. Commonly in the workplace there is oce politics
because there is an underlying culture of scarcity and fear. If you take the
time to deliberately create and live a blame free culture the results will be
transformational. is may well seem counter-intuitive, but think for
a moment, no one deliberately gets out of bed in the morning and says
I’m going to fuck-up today, so when they make a mistake it’s a mistake.
Usually in a climate of fear, the mistakes are hidden so the problems get
bigger, take longer to x when found, cost more and little learning is
achieved. Conversely in a blame free culture problems are identied and
owned with personal responsibility quickly, solutions from the rest of the
team are identied and supported, and new learnings and procedures are
introduced to stop reoccurrence.
When you are clear about your authentic path it is much easier to com-
municate your Vision for your life and your business, and that makes it
much easier to bring people with you.
e whole key to this model is not only in getting the four quadrants and
four connectors working together. It’s also making the shi from relying
on your external creation (the world of work) to make you feel happy, to
54
do the work to take responsibility for your own happiness and self-worth
rst so that you can shine out to the rest of your life. In this way you give,
instead of take, and what you give radiates back to you.
Doing this will transform your life and your business.
55
Ask Coach!
Donna Stoneham Ph.D., Integral Coach®
I’m a Director of Marketing in a large biotech. My
goal is to eventually become a senior leader serving
in a C-level role on an Executive Team. You’ve
worked with several thousand leaders and executives
as an executive coach and facilitator for many
years, and you’ve studied and taught what it takes
to be the kind of leader that stands apart from the
others. As I think about my own development and
what I need to focus on in order to make the leap to
senior leadership, I’d like your opinion about what
sets exceptional leaders apart from good ones. What
would you suggest I focus on to stay on a trajectory of
success as I climb the corporate ladder?
Many leaders hope if they demonstrate that they’re the smartest person
in the room, that’s what will get them promoted. But in my experience
working with leaders who’ve been able to make the kind of leap you’re
shooting for and be eective and engaged in their work, it takes more
Donna Stoneham, Ph.D.,
Integral Coac
A master executive coach, author,
transformational leadership
expert, speaker, and co-creator of
Integral Intelligence®
www.DonnaStoneham.com
www.PositiveImpactLLC.com
56
than brains and brawn. What sets exceptional leaders apart from the
pack is their ability to use and leverage all ve aspects of leadership intel-
ligence. When we think of workplace wisdom, we usually think of two
types-cognitive (the wisdom of the mind) and emotional (the wisdom
of the heart). But there’s also somatic intelligence (the wisdom of the
body), spiritual intelligence (the wisdom of connection) and relational
intelligence (the wisdom of engagement). As a leader, when you’re able
to tap into this vast storehouse of wisdom, it enables you to unleash your
full capabilities, bring out the best in your team and organization, and
achieve powerful business results. In our leadership development work,
we call this Integral Intelligence®.
Leadership isn’t just about what you do, it’s who you are. It’s not just
what you know that counts, it’s how you use it. How you show up as a
leader is what sets great leaders apart from good or average leaders. We
call this leadership way-of-being. When you develop and use all ve as-
pects of leadership intelligence, you develop a way-of-being that enables
you to lead authentically and courageously, appreciate contributions and
see possibilities, be more present to yourself and others, unleash creativ-
ity and innovation, ask generative questions that quickly move things
forward, and inspire others to be their best. It also helps you cultivate
resilience in the face of complexity, challenge, and change.
Here are a few ways to use all ve aspects of your leadership intelligence
so you can re on all cylinders, thrive in leadership and life, and success-
fully reach your goals:
1. Build Your Curiosity Muscle (Cognitive Intelligence). Many lead-
ers spend more time advocating for their own positions than they
do listening to the opinions of others. Inquiry is a powerful tool
that reaps big benets. When you build your capacity to ask gen-
erative questions and listen to others’ opinions and insights, you
create more eective solutions than trying to solve problems alone.
One way to build up your cognitive “muscle” is to ask yourself and those
you lead at least one powerful question a day that helps catalyze insight,
57
creativity, and action and that moves everyone’s thinking to the next
level. Ask more “why,” “how,” and “what” questions and less “who,”
“when,” and “where.” For example, ask: If we followed this path, how
would we know we’d been successful three months, twelve months, even
ve years from now? What would be dierent and why?
2. Show You Care and Challenge People to Be eir Best (Emotional
Intelligence). 68% of employees in the US are disengaged at work
1
and
only 18% of managers are good at managing others
2
, so being a great
manager who inspires people to do their best is one area where you can
really set yourself apart. e wise use of emotional intelligence makes
your company money and has huge downstream eects. Do a great job
of managing others and develop the people below you to do the same.
Develop and leverage your emotional intelligence in ways that help you
motivate your employees, challenge them to do their best, and help
them build eective relationships and partnerships with others. One
way to be a sought aer leader is to care for people not just for what
they do, but also for who they are. Leaders who’ve developed their
emotional intelligence skillfully manage their moods, know how to read
and respond to the room, and they display appropriate care for others.
Make it a daily practice to ask someone on your team about something
meaningful to them. It can be something as simple as, “How was Billy’s
baseball game this weekend?” It only takes a minute to show you care
and it pays big dividends. Be among the 10% of managers who use their
emotional wisdom to help motivate and inspire those you lead to be their
best.
3. Skillfully Conduct the Orchestra (Relational Intelligence). ink of
relational intelligence as the way you operationalize emotional intelli-
gence. Imagine yourself as the conductor of an orchestra comprised of
all of your stakeholders. ink of relational intelligence as your ability
1 http://www.gallup.com/businessjournal/188033/worldwide-
employee-engagement-crisis.aspx
2 http://www.gallup.com/businessjournal/167975/why-great-
managers-rare.aspx
58
to use your emotional intelligence as the baton that helps you bring out
the best in others. Each day nd something someone on your team has
done that’s moved something important forward, and oer him or her
your appreciation. Reveal your social acumen by fostering trust though
demonstrating consistency, credibility, and integrity. Interact with oth-
ers in ways that engender mutual trust and respect and do your best to
model collaboration in your interactions with others.
4. Avoid Amygdala Hijacks (Somatic Intelligence). 80% of workers feel
stressed at work and job stress is the leading cause of stress. Great leaders
learn how to cultivate an awareness of their body’s early warning system,
so they can lessen the impact of negative hair-trigger responses when
under stress, otherwise known as an amygdala hijack. For instance, if
you lose your temper easily, then train yourself to count silently to ten
before responding. Allow the rational, executive function of your brain
to catch up to your instinctive survival reaction before responding, so
you can avoid unintended consequences.
Use sensory cues to inform the kind of actions you choose to take so that
stress doesn’t take control of you. ese are things like feeling your heart
rate accelerate, or blood rushing to your head, or butteries in your stom-
ach, etc. Because these physical cues are precursors to rational thought,
being mindful of them may allow you that split second you need to
choose your response to the situation more wisely. Also pay attention to
how you carry yourself as a leader, which we call your “leadership stance”
in our work because your body language sends a powerful message to
others. Make sure the non-verbal messages you transmit are the ones you
want to deliver.
To use your somatic intelligence wisely also means having a commitment
to self-care. You can’t get water from an empty well, so do the things
you need to do to take care of your body (sleep, rest, good nutrition and
exercise) and make sure you prioritize the time to do these things just
as you would a critical meeting. Taking good care of yourself helps you
maintain resilience so you can bounce back quickly when challenges arise.
59
5. Make a Ripple for Good in the World (Spiritual Intelligence). As you think
about why you’ve set the goals you’ve set for your career, think about the
legacy you want to leave behind. Instead of asking the question, “What
can I get” ask “What can I give?” then seek to make that contribution.
Act in ways that honor your deepest values and that enable you to leave
a legacy you can be proud of. Every day, nd ways that help link your
people to the mission and purpose of your organization. Connect the
dots and help them see how and why their contributions matter. Strive
to live your purpose, pay it forward, and leave the world a better place.
When you bring all ve aspects of leadership wisdom to your work and
life, you become better able to recognize your patterns and habitual ways
of responding. You build the capacity to choose more eective responses
in any situation you encounter and the skills to self-correct and generate
eective solutions. A commitment to life-long learning, a willingness
to deepen self-insight, and being mindful of the impact of your way-of-
being on others requires practice, self-compassion, and a willingness to
be vulnerable and accept honest feedback from others. Enjoy the journey
on your climb up the ladder, and when you reach the pinnacle, you’ll be
proud of yourself, of the lives you inuenced as a leader and of the work
you did to reach your destination.
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Ask Coach!
Donna Stoneham Ph.D., Integral Coach®
For the last ten years, I’ve worked as an individual
contributor and subject matter expert at a Fortune
500 company. My boss just got a new job and I was
just promoted into his role and will be managing a
team of seven people. I’ve never led people before
or had any formal training on the “do’s and don’ts”
of being a good leader. Do you have any tips that
would help me get o to a great start in my new role?
Congratulations on your new position! As I reect on your question,
the rst thing I’d like to oer is a quote I frequently use in my executive
coaching practice. It’s by a fellow author, educator and leadership expert,
Charles Manz who said, “e instrument of leadership is the self, and the
mastery of the art of leadership comes from the mastery of the self.”
Being a new leader can feel equal parts challenging and exciting. ere
are hundreds of books with great theories on how to be a good leader,
and they can be instructive, but the play book you really need to master
is the one you already have within yourself. Leadership is an art, it’s not
a science, and the instrument of leadership is the self. As a leader, the
pebble you throw in the water creates a ripple eect which can be positive
or negative, depending on how it is cast.
You were likely promoted because you’ve mastered skills that your boss
hopes you’ll pass on to others. But having functional skills doesn’t always
equate to being a good leader. Good leadership isn’t just about what you
do, it’s equally important how you show up when you do it. It’s being able
to bring all of your wisdom to bear in working with and through others in
ways that inspire those you lead to oer their very best.
61
One of my specialties as an executive coach is working with leaders in
transition. But whether you are new leader leading a team for the rst
time, or a seasoned executive with years of experience under her belt, there
are 5 C’s to Leadership Success (Caring, Contribution, Collaboration,
Cultivation and Communication) that if cultivated and practiced, can
help you bring your A-game as a leader.
A few years ago I worked with an executive coaching client named Brad
who was exactly in your situation. Brad was a subject matter expert in
his eld, but he’d never managed others. He was in his early 30’s and had
to manage a team of mostly older people. He’d gotten o on the wrong
foot with his new team for being too over-bearing, so I was called in to
help. I developed the 5-C’s for Brad to help him learn to ex his style so
he could work more eectively with the people on his team. I hope you’ll
nd them useful.
1. Show em You Care: ere’s an old saying that’s trite but true−peo-
ple don’t care how much you know until they know how much you
care. Recent leadership research has demonstrated that you have to
connect before you can lead https://hbr.org/2013/07/connect-then-lead.
Combining warmth and strength as a leader is a powerful combination.
To demonstrate you care about your people, get to know them as human
beings, not just as contributors. Understand what they care about inside
and outside of work. Let them know that who they are is as important as
what they contribute.
When working with a new team, I suggest scheduling time with each new
direct report as a calendar priority as soon as you can. ese “meet and
greet” meetings provide a great return on your time investment. Some
of the questions you might ask your team members at this meeting are:
What are your interests?
What do you like most about your job?
What do you nd most frustrating?
What’s the best working relationship you’ve ever had with someone
62
you reported to? What made that possible?
What is your development objective and where would you like to go
in your career? How could I help you get there?
What would a successful working relationship between the two of us
look like? How would we know we’d achieved that?
What do you need from me to help you be successful?
ese questions can pave the way for your direct reports to know you care
about them, about what matters to them, and that your intention is to make
the relationship work for both pa rt ies. If there is any disconnect bet ween t heir
needs and what you can provide, it’s also a good opportunity to surface those
issues early and openly discuss them, which helps avoid problems later on.
2. Help People Contribute eir Best: Many leaders aren’t aware that 68%
of workers in the US and 87% worldwide are disengaged at work http://
www.gallup.com/businessjournal/188033/worldwide-employee-engage-
ment-crisis.aspx. One of the major reasons this occurs is because people
don’t feel that their contributions are valued. As a leader, you want to
make sure that your team falls in the 32% who are engaged and contribut-
ing their best, so look for opportunities every day for your people to oer
their passions, skills, and talents. Find stretch assignments that help them
grow and thrive. Dedicate a few minutes of every one-on-one to discuss-
ing your direct reports’ development objectives and successes. Always
let them know how much their contribution matters to the mission, to
you and to the team. Provide public recognition for a job well done and
regularly celebrate accomplishments. is can be as simple as acknowl-
edging contributions in team meetings, having pot luck lunches, or going
together as a team to a game, lunch, or dinner to celebrate big wins.
3. Be Collaborative: e best boss I had in my corporate career gave me
great advice as I was embarking on my rst big leadership role. She said,
“Always hire people that are smarter than you because they make you
look good.” Surround yourself with great people, support them to be
successful, and give them opportunities to shine. Build a collaborative
team where everyone feels that their voice and ideas matter. Admit when
you’re wrong or when you don’t know something and take good advice
63
from others, regardless of their role. You are only as strong as the weak-
est link on your team, so build a solid chain that’s greater than the sum of
its parts. Collaboration will happen naturally if everyone feels welcome
to contribute.
4. Be a Cultivator of Talent: Rather than thinking of your job as a
talent manager, think of it as a talent cultivator. When someone on
your team believes they are only capable of making it to the second
mile marker, then inspire and coach them to get to the third. e
greatest legacy you can leave as a leader is to hear one of your direct
reports say, “I’d never be where I am today if you hadn’t believed
in me and pushed me further than I believed I could go.” You know
as a leader you’ve done your job when they go on to do better things.
To become a cultivator of talent, take a two-pronged approach−work on
yourself and help others. Read books and articles that help you become
a better leader and coach. Find a mentor who knows how to build great
talent and ask them to meet with you periodically to give you advice on
how to help you develop the individuals on your team. Focus on devel-
oping a successor so when you decide to leave, your team won’t be le in
the lurch. If you cultivate your talent through an on-going commitment
to your own development work, you’ll naturally gravitate towards culti-
vating the talents of those you lead and manage.
5. Be Explicit in Your Communications: One of the biggest mistakes new
leaders make is assuming people know what they mean when they haven’t
made everything clear. Always err on the side of over-communicating.
Check in with your people to close the communications loop and ensure
that they heard what you meant. Ask yourself, “Have I made explicit to
others what’s implicit to me?” It takes time, but assuring understanding
and alignment on the front end enables you not to have to go back and
redo things later.
When you’re mindful of practicing these 5 C’s of Successful Leadership
every day, they become a habit. Brad has been doing this for the past
three years, and he’s already gotten another promotion, he’s expanded
64
his scope, and is considered a high-potential leader within his company.
He’s been able to accomplish this in a short time because he understood
that it’s not just the deliverables that count, it’s how you make them hap-
pen. So focus on doing the work required to make yourself a powerful
instrument for leadership, and nothing can hold you back from achieving
success!
65
Ask Coach!
Donna Stoneham Ph.D., Integral Coach®
I am a leader in a technology organization and a
mother of two kids under ten. I feel guilty about how
much time I’m away from my kids and I’m trying
to gure out how to balance the demands at my job
with being a good mother. I feel like my family is
just surviving because there’s so little time in our
lives to do anything but go to work, rush through
dinner, go to bed, then start it all over again. My
job is very stressful, but I make a lot of money, so I’m
not sure what to do. What would you suggest?
Two of the main reasons that working mothers don’t thrive are: 1) they
aren’t contributing their greatest gis and talents in their jobs or 2) they
feel guilty about how they’re spending their time. e sad fact is that
only 32% of Americans and only 13% of people worldwide feel engaged
at work and 53% of parents struggle to balance work and life, so you’re
not alone. Way too many of us spend a third or more of our waking lives
feeling disengaged or guilty. But it doesn’t have to be that way! Life is too
short, and our time is too precious a commodity to squander. If I were
coaching you, these are the questions I’d ask:
Are you thriving in your job? Is what you do aligned with who you are
and does it bring you joy or are you trading your passion for a paycheck?
How do you try and integrate your roles as a mother and a leader? What
boundaries, if any, do you need to set? What self-care rituals do you have
or can you can put in place that would help you feel less drained and
more resilient? What kind of support network do you have in place and
what kind do you need?
66
It may be helpful for me to give you some examples of two mothers of
young children I’ve coached. ey both made dierent decisions as they
reected on these questions, but both women are thriving now.
e rst was a client named Amanda who made the choice to stop trad-
ing her passion for a paycheck. A mother of young children in her late
thirties, she decided to leave a high prole job where she made lots of
money, but felt weighed down by guilt by the lack of time she was able to
spend with her young children. Aer a family vacation in which she was
on her cell phone at the beach managing a crisis at work for several days
in a row, she decided to quit her job and spend the summer with her kids.
Her greatest passion, at that time in her life, was to be more present for
her children, but the lure of a big paycheck held her back from making
that choice for several years. Leaving her job required that Amanda and
her husband make some trade-os, but she took the leap, quit her job,
and dedicated herself to spending that summer with her kids before seek-
ing another job.
e second client I worked with was a woman named Claire, who was
a renowned leader in her eld. Claire loved her job, but her job was
managing her, rather than her managing her job. Her husband was a
stay-at-home Dad, but Claire traveled a lot, worked long hours, and she
felt guilty for spending so little time with her kids. When she had time
with her family, she was distracted by her work. Claire was in a no-win
situation because she was always plagued by a feeling that no matter what
she did, it was never enough. She always felt overwhelmed.
ese are three strategies that helped Amanda and Claire take the actions
they needed to take to stop feeling guilty and that helped them make the
decisions they both needed to make in their lives. I hope you’ll nd them
helpful:
1. Make your choices based on your own denition of success.
It’s easy to get caught up in the cultural trance that tells us that mak-
ing lots of money and having a big title is what denes success. But
67
there’s more to life than that. In Amanda’s case, success was feel-
ing like she was a more integral part of her children’s everyday
lives and a having a healthy relationship with her husband, while
still having a career where she could make a contribution.
For Claire, it was learning how to stop needing to always “prove” her-
self, accept that she was enough and didn’t need to be perfect, and to
lower her standards a little so she could create more spaciousness in her
life, yet still be successful in her job. She also had to set some bound-
aries with her boss and her direct reports on her availability so she
could preserve sacred time with her family most evenings and at least
one day on the weekend. She learned to delegate more and negotiat-
ed working from home one day a week so she could be more ecient.
Whatever you decide to do, the most important thing is to be true to
yourself when making the choices you make in your life and career.
Remember, it’s your denition of success that matters, not anyone else’s.
How do you dene success? What are you most committed to? In what
ways might you balance competing demands? What beliefs about yourself
and your life do you need to change in order to trust that you’re “enough”?
2. Be clear on your non-negotiables.
To determine if you’re trading your passion for a paycheck, ask yourself if
there are places in your life where you’re sacricing whats most important
to you for the sake of something truly less important. If youre going against
deeply held values or feel depleted at the end of the day because you nd
little joy in what you do, then be honest about what’s really non-negotiable.
In Amandas case, getting home late at night aer a long commute and having
only thirty minutes with her kids before bedtime became a non-negotiable.
Having less disposable income but more time with her kids was of higher value.
For Claire, it was nding ways to better balance two things she held dear, her
job and her family. Her non-negotiable ended up being learning to honor the
contributions she was making to both her work and her family, setting healthy
boundaries, guring out the resources and support systems she needed to
68
put into place, and learning to value herself, even if she was imperfect.
What 3-5 things are non-negotiable in your life when it comes to yourself, your
family, and to how you spend your time? Are there places where you are not
honoring those boundaries? What steps are you willing to take to change that?
3. Be clear what you’re passionate about and nd ways to express it every
day.
When you think of what you’re most passionate about, what comes to
mind? What are the things you love to do that bring you joy? For ex-
ample, if you’re passionate about yoga and can’t nd the time to go to a
regular class, oer to host a class at lunch at work or invite people that
share a common interest to your house once a month to bring their mats.
If you’re passionate about helping people develop, but don’t have people
who report to you, oer to be a mentor to someone and show them the
ropes. Find at least one way each day to contribute your gis and to
express what you care most deeply about, regardless of your role. Make
a list of what makes you feel most alive and engaged and look for ways
to contribute those gis and talents in every role you play, at work and
at home.
Amanda and Claire aren’t oppressed by guilt anymore and both of them
are thriving. Amanda found a job een minutes from home, so instead
of the three-hour commute that she’d endured, she was home by 5:00.
She enjoys her work, she feels much less stress and her relationships with
her husband and children are much better. Claire is thriving in her lead-
ership role and she is enjoying more time being mom to her children. She
still has the same deliverables, time-lines, and pressures, but her relation-
ship to herself and to her roles as a leader and mother are dierent now,
as result of all the work she has done to create more balance between two
competing priorities.
So if you want to thrive in work and life, focus on what’s most important
to you and make sure your actions and choices are aligned. Live a life
that brings you joy, say goodbye to guilt, and don’t deprive yourself, your
69
family or the world of your gis!
70
Ask Coach!
Ellen Rich, MBA
I have been living with an addict who is in denial
about his alcoholism. I have supported our family
since our marriage began and I feel I have lost myself
and all hope for being happy. What can I do, as I
am afraid to leave and see no solutions?
What causes alcoholism? Many in the eld believe that it is a combina-
tion of genetic disposition and environmental upbringing. Whatever the
technical denition, we can be sure that aer years of drinking, the alco-
holic will typically hit “rock bottom.” e lies, denial, and abuse, taken
out on others, can no longer be hidden. Some may make a halearted
eort to show others that this isn’t a problem by “self-medicating” with
other addictions and blame.
is is a downward spiral, especially family and friends. ey nd them-
selves constantly walking on “eggshells”, trying not set to o the one who
has the problem. An important issue for the people still living with the
alcoholic is that they have been programmed to believe it is their fault.
e alcoholic typically does not understand the underlying motivations
for drinking, which may be covering up something so agonizing that
Ellen Rich, MBA
has a varied background working in
many organizations from Fortune
500’s to Start Ups. To date, she has
worked with over 150 clients and
uses eastern and western tools and
methodologies.
71
they would risk their life to avoid pain of any sort, e.g. physical, mental,
emotional, or spiritual. If painful enough, suicide is one option that some
consider.
Besides the alcoholic, denial can run though the immediate family. No
matter how many lies are told by the co-dependent, most “hit bottom” as
well and can no longer function. Abuse from the alcoholic will escalate
and the home may not even be safe to live in for the family. e behavior
of “protecting” the alcoholic is called co-dependency and plays a major
role in keeping the addict addicted. e only way out is through denial.
Let’s take “Jane” as an example. As a co-dependent, she has always need-
ed to control her life surroundings and all her experiences. If control
is lost, she panics and has an anxiety attack. All she wants to do is stop
the attack. Co-dependency is a “self-medicating” strategy that helps for
a short time.
e only control people have is their reaction to a situation or experience.
Changing their behavior will change everything around them, including
the alcoholic. If we dive deeper into this example, Jane’s childhood was
very emotionally and sexually abusive. She assumed this was normal,
but inside she knew something was wrong. If she told someone, she was
typically dismissed as making stories up and was duly punished. She
built an emotional wall to numb the pain and over time, she could feel no
emotions at all.
As children grow, the behavior they use to deal with uncomfortable situ-
ations are repeated, even though they may not work as they age. In Jane’s
case, she became sexually promiscuous and a workaholic. ese were
two of her “self-medicating” strategies. Jane experienced major anxiety
and depression, but kept it hidden with her “white knuckling” approach.
She tried to hide this behavior and considered suicide from the age of 8
to 55.
When her work environment became intolerable, Jane was tested for
clinical depression. Scoring 29 out of 30 on a standard psychological
72
test for clinical depression, her therapist recommended medication along
with talk therapy. She made up excuses why she didn’t want to comply.
Embarrassment and the stigma of mental illness kept her from getting
additional help. She was warned that she might die of suicide at some
breaking point, but she didn’t listen. e alcoholic talked her out of it.
Aer an additional 10 years, Jane was sitting in a meeting and noticed
that she couldn’t understand what anyone was saying. Fearful for her
sanity, she called a new therapist and took the clinical depression test
again and scored 30 out of 30. It was reiterated to her that she would be
dead if she didn’t immediately go on medication and continue with talk
therapy about her co-dependency issues and why she married and stayed
with an alcoholic for over 20 years.
Aer complying, she found, for the rst time in her life, that she could
separate herself from “saving the world.” It took a year for the fog to
li. She led for divorce. One thing that startled Jane was her husband’s
surprise at the divorce ling and his insistence that they had a great
marriage. e problems were all her fault, he said, and he was not an
alcoholic. Although very painful, it was the rst step towards leaving her
co-dependency behind.
It took Jane many years to dig deep into her pain and need for co-depen-
dency. She accepted her mental diagnosis and progressed on her journey.
e rst step was to live independently and to take time to think before
reacting. Friends reappeared in her life, she moved and found a new job.
Jane began a new life at the age of 55.
Presently, Jane’s life certainly isn’t perfect, but control is no longer a
problem. Integrity, self-trust and living in the now allows her to harness
the “thoughts” that are not real and make good decisions internally or
externally.
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Here is a list of changes Jane used on her healing journey:
1. Going to Al-Anon (group for the co-dependent person). is support
group helps explain why the co-dependent is in a particular situation.
ere is an Al-Anon meeting in almost every town around the world.
ere is no fee.
2. Taking a combination of medications (“the cocktail”) opened up Jane’s
mind and she was able to slow down and not immediately react to a
situation.
3. Talk therapy continued to push Jane into unfamiliar areas.
4. Books about addiction and co-dependency, spirituality, mental illness
and neurology.
5. Brain games.
6. Intensive exercise, losing weight, eating well and coming to a new ap-
preciation of her body.
7. Yoga, which helped her to get in touch with her body and spirituality.
8. Studying with many teachers and groups.
9. Making amends when she could and not repeating behavior when she
couldn’t.
10. Traveling and experiencing new cultures.
11. Using alternative tools from Asia including acupuncture, acupres-
sure, meditation, and martial arts.
12. Accepting there would still be bad days and that it is OK.
13. Dating at 57. For Jane, marriage is not in the cards.
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Today Jane has a new life. As an entrepreneur, she has slowed down and
downsized her life. She lives one moment at a time and is thankful for all
her mentors and the new ones she hasn’t yet met.
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Ask Coach!
Ellen Rich, MBA
I went to visit my mother with the intention of
staying a few months. She is playing bridge,
socializing with her many friends, and driving.
However, at 87, I see she needs a bit more help with
shopping, walking, the stairs, and attending many
funerals. She has no idea about how to work with
her bills and is very anxious about the future. We
had a dicult conversation about her aging and
last requests. Above all else she wants to die in the
house. Where can I get help and what can I expect to
happen?
e rst several years may be relatively normal. One of the rst steps is
nding your loved one a gerontologist. Unlike a Primary Care Physician,
this doctor can catch subtle nuances with test results, mental and cogni-
tive function and overall medication needs.
Eventually you will have to pay the bills, the taxes and run the home as
if it were your own. You may nd you are taking her shopping, out for
lunch, visiting with the loved one and her friends and generally lling out
the empty hours in her daily routine. Getting her to sign a DNR (do not
resuscitate) and power of attorney can be dicult. Make sure her will is
up to date while she is competent. If she has no will, make sure you take
her to a lawyer to create one.
ere will probably be a precipitating incident when you and your loved
one move to “the next level.” You will know when this happens. For
example, a car accident, loss or urine or bowel movement control, falling
down and getting a concussion, lots of visits to the ER or not remember-
ing many short term concepts.
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Independence is most important to her and necessary for her feelings
about dying. One of the hardest decisions you will make is taking away
the car keys. ere is no easy answer, and seniors have gured out every
way to keep them. I don’t recommend the “prayer” strategy as she could
kill someone or herself.
You may nd that she isn’t quite honest with you about her aging process,
thinking if she hides it you won’t notice. Take her to an ophthalmologist
and see what is happening with her eyes. e Helen Keller Foundation
has many useful tools, but will not service someone who is not legally
blind in both eyes (free service). An audiologist can help with hearing.
You will begin to take over more chores as your loved one gets weaker. A
cane, the walker, the wheelchair and bed ridden typically happen over a
period of time. Each one is very disturbing to the loved one as they show
a decline in independence. You may nd you have to set up a bedroom
downstairs to avoid all stairs.
At some point you will not be able to handle all the work and your burn
out starts. You can hire home healthcare aides, house cleaner and snow
removal person, as well as other helpers if you can aord them. As you
become the “gatekeeper” you will stay indoors more. Early onset demen-
tia or Alzheimer’s is very draining for both the loved one and others.
I can’t stress enough the importance of self-care for yourself, if you are
the main caretaker. Exercise, massage, going out with your friends or
a few small trips can help. You may want to seek a support group or
counseling.
Many people have the wrong impression of Hospice. Yes, it is for the
dying, but a gerontologist can write a prescription for in home care.
Hospice does a home assessment and the patient can stay on the program
at home or in a facility for up to 6 months if they meet medical criteria.
is is paid for by Medicare. Your local hospice has many resources
and training about Elder Care, all provided free by Medicare. Programs
such as Physical erapy, Occupational therapy, religious counsel, Music
77
therapy, and emergency RNs, Social Workers and more.
You may get to the point where hand-feeding, sleeping in a hospital bed,
wearing diapers, and taking sponge baths is necessary. As you look to
your siblings for help, they may be a blessing or a curse. In about half the
cases, they won’t life a nger to help “as you have it under control.”
It is very typical that the closest living female will take on the role of
caregiver, while all other siblings will run for the “border.” Even adult
children will be reluctant to acknowledge the degeneration of their loved
one. You will nd that the training, commitment and stamina to do this
type of caretaking isn’t for the faint of heart.
Dying in the home is very comfortable for loved ones. No one can tell
you how long the process will take to pass. It could be days to years. No
one can answer this for you.
Jane’s mother underwent six surgeries, numerous runs to the ER, until
nally, at the age of 93 she was put on life-sustaining hemodialysis.
Finally, in a state of acute misery, she asked how she could end this
dreadful existence (euthanasia available on only a few states).
e rst week can pass easily and eating and drinking anything is OK.
Hospice will take her o all medications. Sometimes this process can take
6 weeks or more if the person is terried of dying. Religious counsel is
very helpful. If you and your loved one have come to closure on their
ending, you will feel peaceful with the process over time.
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Ask Coach!
Ellen Rich, MBA
My father died when I was 33. I was relived rather
than sad as we weren’t close. However 28 years
later, when my mother passed, I expected the same
reaction. I got the shock my life when my reactions
were totally dierent. I am overwhelmed with grief,
crying, wailing, and feel I am going crazy. What is
wrong with me?
ere is nothing typical or normal about grieving aer a loved one dies.
No two people grieve alike so don’t try to compare your experience to
anyone else’s or a grief experience you have had in the past.
Some people are at the bedside when a loved one dies and others are not.
is can be a big issue with siblings. Siblings may come together when
the end is near, but typically one sibling is the lead or gatekeeper for all
decisions. Usually the closet living child, typically a female, will fulll
this role.
As people are living longer, the caretaker for the family is in midlife. He
or she may also be making signicant changes themselves and this just
adds extra stress. is can make it very dicult for the caretaker, espe-
cially if they have no support or help.
Depending on how long you take care of the loved one, sibling relations
can change radically. Some siblings go into denial and others just want
an update. ere may be new or ongoing power struggles that appear.
Legal and money issues can create arguments and stress for all involved.
Some siblings start calling each other for consolation and want to know
next steps which they may not agree with or even been in place. Power
conicts, unresolved issues with the loved one and old childhood issues
79
can come to the surface. ere can be timing or boundary issues and
siblings’ behavior that have never been exposed, come out. Reactions to
the loved one’s death can run from no emotion to tears of rage, anger,
pity, grief and hours of wailing.
Some siblings rely on each other and others need time to collect them-
selves. Surprise and anger arise when the siblings start ghting over the
next steps for the love one (funeral arrangements, the will, selling or
keeping the house, assets, executors, life insurance, money owed, trust
estates and other unexpected legal requirements).
Depending on the conicts, some siblings go behind others backs and
implement decisions. is just escalates tension. Estrangement can hap-
pen short-term, long-term, or forever. Each sibling perceives the situa-
tion dierently.
e entire process may take years. Once done, you may nd that you feel
totally alone with no parents or siblings(s). Cousins, aunts, uncles and
extended family may jump in and support you, others won’t.
e key is to except your feelings and allow yourself to grieve in any way
you need. Grief support groups are very helpful as is counseling.
e rst year that the love on is gone can be extremely dicult. Be pre-
pared to feel sad or depressed on important holidays, birthdays or anni-
versaries. ere are many excellent books and websites you can review.
However, the loss never goes away. You can only do the best you can and
that is good enough.
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Splendor in the Grass by William Wordsworth
“ough nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the ower;
We will grieve not, rather nd
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be...”
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Ask Coach!
Donna Davis
Why do I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster?
Because, frankly, you are.
As we learn about menopause we come to know that hormones play a
signicant role in how our bodies behave and ultimately, in how we feel.
Hormones have to work together like a well-orchestrated symphony.
When ANY hormone is out of harmony the whole system is aected
and the natural rhythm is altered. At times it seems as though all hell is
breaking loose! Hormonal hell to be more specic.
Do you feel as if your whole world is upside down, backwards and side-
ways? Is it hard to keep your thoughts organized or to focus on a specic
task? Do you experience feeling sad, mad and a whole myriad of emotions
all within a few hours or days? Mood swings can be and are oen intense
and extreme. It goes beyond “Where are my glasses?... my keys?” It really
does feel as though you are on an emotional rollercoaster and you just
want to scream “STOP THIS RIDE I WANT TO GET OFF!!!’
You may think that you actually ARE losing your mind. Acknowledging
that these thoughts and feeling are real to you is the rst step in being
Donna Davis
A modern day Change Agent
disguised as e Menopause Fairy
who celebrates the Magic, Mystery
and Mayhem of Midlife.
82
proactive to nding solutions that will work best for you.
Listen to your body’s signals. It’s trying to communicate with you. Use it
as a guidance system to identify the possibility of bodily manifestations
of stored up emotions and ‘old baggage’ from previous experiences and
traumas that need your attention now more than ever. Take an honest
look at your past – it’s time to make peace with it and release feelings and
toxic emotions that hinder your vitality and quality of life. A necessary
part of the menopause process is learning to ‘let go’ of things that no lon-
ger serve you whether they be material, physical, or emotional. I didn’t
say it was easy, I said it was necessary.
ere are so many systems in the body that are aected by all the emo-
tions that we experience on a daily basis. Over time the build-up of stored
emotions can cause pain and disease. Holding on rather than letting go of
unresolved pain and anger can be debilitating.
In particular, there is an emotional component to heart health. If you want
to truly heal your heart, you need courage to look closely at any source
of emotional pain, and then heal this brokenness with compassion, faith,
and emotional release. Having an open heart free of pain allows you to
give and receive love, which is vital. ere are many modalities to help
you with this, you need to nd one, or more, that resonate with you to
help guide you through this process.
83
Ask Coach!
Donna Davis
So many physical changes seem to be happening at
once, what the hell is going on?
Menopause is the most common time in a woman’s life when hormon-
alimbalances can occur. During the process of menopause, a woman’s
ovaries no longer make prominent hormones. is, in turn eects all
body systems and functions. ere are many hormones involved in this
process. Deciencies or excesses in hormones cancause numerous symp-
toms to present themselves in the form of body changes.
is new imbalance can make us highly aware of feeling and knowing
that “ings just aren’t the way they used to be,” or “I know something
is wrong. I just don’t know what!” Your body is adjusting to all these
changes and is signaling you, primarily through symptoms, for help. If
and how you listen is up to you. Many dedicated steps can be taken to
help you balance yourself (and your hormones) out allowing you to live
an active, productive and full life.
Have you been feeling run-down, forgetful or foggy lately? You may
be suering from a hormonal imbalance. Hormones are needed by our
bodies to keep them working optimally and to feel energized. During the
aging process there is oen a natural decline in hormone levels which can
negatively impact our quality of life, especially if and when they decline
below a certain point.
According to researchers, the cause of many chronic health problems
may be related to hormonal imbalances so it is imperative that symptoms
be addressed.
Some symptoms of an imbalances include, but are not limited to:
Hot Flashes, Night Sweats, inning Hair, Skin Changes, Decrease in
Muscle Mass, Bloating/Weight Gain, Loss of Libido, Decrease in Muscle
84
Mass, Dizziness, Headaches, Fatigue and Bone Loss.
Finding a qualied health practitioner to test your hormones and help
guide you through these changes can be the healthiest ‘next best step’
that can be taken to ensure that you currently are and will stay healthy. Be
sure to research your potential doctor to know for certain that they are up
to date with current medical technologies and information. Old school
ways just aren’t eective enough to ensure a smooth journey to nding
the balance that you need.It’s time to make smart, healthy choices and
decisions to enable you to enjoy the quality of life that you deserve.
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Ask Coach!
Donna Davis
Is my sex life over?
e simple answer is….NO!
is next phase of your life oers you an opportunity to create and expe-
rience the best sex of your life!
Included in all the physical and emotional changes is your evolving li-
bido. Hormones eect this are of your body and life and you can be le
wondering if your best, active sexual years are behind you.
Many women feel like they are literally ‘drying up’ and are concerned
about losing their mojo. Yes, your body is going through a lot and you
may be experiencing vaginal dryness due to decreasing hormones. You
can speak with your medical menopause specialist and opt to nd your
best hormonal support solution such as a vaginal lubricant. Getting the
right dosage for your specic needs is both an art and a science so please
be patient and open to the process of nding what is perfect for you. is
may not happen overnight.
Dealing with this subject really is an ‘inside job.’ e emotional and psy-
chological factors play a key role in this area for you and can determine
your outcome. Based on your life experiences and more specically your
sexual ones you have stored emotions, feelings and thoughts that can
hinder your growth and pleasure (this can happen at any age). Le unre-
solved this can form a roadblock and can actually shut down your whole
sexual experience leaving you wondering how you can get your groove
back, provided you had a groove in the rst place.
First and foremost we need to be able to do this for ourselves. To support
ourselves, to please ourselves, to understand ourselves… the list goes on.
Once we’re honest and clear with our mind and bodies we can know what
86
true intimacy is and be willing and able to experience it with others.
Many traumas and events are stored in our bodies and for women es-
pecially they eect all areas in our lives. We need to have trust, love,
communication, to feel safe, among other things, in order to ourish
and really thrive. Dealing with all of this is something that may seem
overwhelming, especially at rst. ere is no shame in asking for help.
You can enlist the help of a qualied professional to help kick start your
healing journey. You can do this.
Are you ready for the best years of your life?
Conclusion
In this day and age more women are open to talking about menopause
and are making healthy choices to get the most out of the magic, mystery
and mayhem of midlife.
I invite you to use this valuable information to help you along your jour-
ney, so you can transition into the best you that you could possibly be!
If you should need or want help along this journey please reach out to me.
I am only an email away. I’m here to help you take charge and navigate
the challenges of your change. Together we can get you back on track,
rebalanced and on your way to a happier, healthier you.
87
Ask Coach
omas Gelmi
How can I become a better leader?
is is a question oen posed to me by leaders at all levels, from team
leaders through to top executives, regardless of age or gender. On
Amazon, the search for “leadership” generates well over a hundred thou-
sand results. Many approaches are rather academic, explaining leader-
ship through methods, techniques and instruments that just need to be
applied in order to lead people eectively. ese approaches can work
but oen fall short in reality as they merely ‘scratch the surface’.
e good news is you don’t really have to look that far in your quest for
eective leadership. ere are two basic principles by which leadership
almost happens by itself – or at least gets you half way there.
1. Be the change you want to see
Nobel Prize laureate Albert Schweitzer said: “Example is not the main
thing in inuencing others. It is the only thing” and also “Example is
leadership.” Mahatma Gandhi put it very astutely by saying that “You
must be the change you wish to see in the world.” ere is profound truth
in both of these quotes.
omas Gelmi
Based in Switzerland, omas
Gelmi stands for measurably more
impact in leadership, teamwork
and customer interaction
by developing personal and
interpersonal competence. For
individuals and organizations
across industries and cultures.
www.thomasgelmi.com
88
A question I am rather partial to discussing with my leadership coaching
clients is, “As a leader, is it possible to not be a role model?” Frequently
the rst spontaneous answer received is “yes, of course this is possible”
– denoting that you can be a bad example. is leads us to a concurrence
with Paul Watzlawick’s renowned basic rule of communication, “One
cannot not communicate”. e same is true for leadership, “One cannot
not be an example.”
e one who leads is always an example; a good one or a bad one.
Whether you are conscious of it or not is irrelevant. You are under con-
stant observation and taken as a point of reference by your team. Oh,
and by the way: your actions speak louder than your words. Hence, the
need for keen self-awareness of your behavior as a leader and the ability
to examine whether it is a model representation of what you expect from
your team. Importantly, if your words and actions are not aligned – in
other words, if you don’t walk your talk – you will quickly lose credibility
and acceptance by your team.
Modelling behavior as a leader parallels parents educating their children:
If you expect your children to tidy up their rooms and keep them orderly,
while you have a mess all over the place and have to search for your keys
for half an hour every time you want to leave the house, you are in fact
acting as an example. Just probably not in the best possible sense of the
word. Or as in the words of the famous German comedian Karl Valentin,
“We don’t need to educate our children, they will copy us anyway.”
Furthermore, modelling behavior is directly related to engagement and
motivation of others. More important than asking yourself, “How can I
motivate my team members?” - is, “What do I do that demotivates my
team and how can I stop doing this?” As a leader, if you are able to identify
and shi your demotivating behavior, you are already contributing enor-
mously to your team’s engagement. is leads us to the second principle.
2. First, lead yourself
Eective leadership starts with eective self-leadership. Could you
imagine a really successful leader who expects his team members to be
89
punctual while being late for meetings or overrunning them on a regular
basis?
Eective self-leadership is one of the major success factors for entrepre-
neurs, leaders and employees at all levels. Simply put, it is the ability to
inuence the “self” in such a way that you achieve your goals. It starts
with the little things; take for example the research conducted on delayed
reward at Stanford University in the late 1960s and early 70s with the
famous Marshmallow Test.
For the test, children around the age of four were presented a marsh-
mallow or another object of desire in one-on-one sessions. e person
running the test told the child that he would leave the room for some
time and that the child was allowed to eat the marshmallow. However, if
the child was to wait for the person to come back, they would receive two
marshmallows instead. Post-study analysis showed that those children
who were able to delay the reward, later turned out to be more educa-
tionally and socially competent, were able to better cope with frustration
and stress and showed higher levels of performance due to this form of
self-discipline. In our fast moving society with its strong tendency for
instant gratication, this is certainly interesting food for thought.
Other areas of self-leadership are the level of self-awareness in the sense
of being mindfully aware of oneself, knowing one’s strengths and limita-
tions, and last but not least a certain level of humility. Humility in this
context means to adopt a rational and preferably objective emotional at-
titude (Erich Fromm) that, for example, would allow for a team member
to have more knowledge or better skills than the leader or that would
allow the leader to openly admit mistakes.
is aspect of admitting mistakes seems to be a dicult one for many,
particularly for male leaders as it is oen perceived as a sign of weakness
by them, and to be avoided at all costs. Interestingly enough, this fear is in
strong contrast to the actual impact that such a behavior has on the team.
Experience validates that by admitting mistakes, a leader is perceived as
human and that as a consequence, acceptance, credibility and respect
90
from the team actually increases rather than decreases.
Naturally, every leader needs to practically experience this eect in order
to gain assurance. For this to happen requires a conscious step out of
the comfort zone, which in turn requires another important quality of
self-leadership: courage.
Exchanging thoughts with an experienced coach on a regular basis is an
important factor in this process. Having such a sparring partner is far
from being a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of professionalism and
the ability to reect.
91
Ask Coach
omas Gelmi
How can I reduce conict in my relationships?
is is a legitimate question as most people I know want to live in both
personal and professional relationships that are free of conict. Firstly, it
is important to understand that conict is normal in human interaction
and that miscommunication is oen fertile ground for conict to surface.
erefore, eective communication is key. One of the biggest illusions
in communication is the perception that it actually happened. We could
even go as far as saying that there are only more or less helpful misunder-
standings (Steve de Shazer).
e key to any change: Awareness
Consider a situation that culminated in a conict with your spouse, a di-
rect report, a colleague or a customer. Chances are that unconscious be-
havioral patterns were triggered on both sides. Especially when emotions
heat up and change the body’s entire biochemistry; the ability for rational
thinking can be drastically impaired. And so, both parties involved react
to each other’s behavior with neither party suciently aware of what is
happening in order to break this vicious cycle. Best case, both parties fail
to exit this reactive pattern in a satisfactory way. Worst case, it all ends
up in an escalation and both parties do or say things they will later regret
once their biochemistry has returned to normal and they have become
“conscious” again.
However, if you are self-aware enough right from the beginning, you can
notice what is happening within yourself and in the other person, you can
then make a conscious decision to behave in a de-escalating way and, in
doing so, invite your conversation partner to do the same. For example,
the ability to recognize the early signs of anger will assist you to either
consciously control it or express it in a controlled way that maintains the
relationship – before you explode like a dysfunctional pressure cooker
92
and potentially cause extensive damage. Kill the monster while it is still
little.
It can be even more helpful to become aware of potential internal or
external triggers before you enter such a situation and get locked into a
reactive pattern. Contemplate what may cause you to react in an unfavor-
able way. is will increase your prospect of recognizing those triggers
early enough in order for you to think of how to handle them adequately.
It is, by the way, sucient if one person is and remains conscious enough
not to be drawn into the downward spiral of action and reaction. rough
appropriate and non-violent behavior, the other person can be invited
to take o the self-protective mask so that authentic contact and true
dialogue again becomes possible. It goes without saying that this level of
self-competence does not just positively aect leadership, teamwork and
customer interaction, but also all other areas of life.
e key to quality communication: Attitude
Time and again, I see people hoping for quick xes for their interpersonal
issues by searching for the right communication techniques and meth-
ods. Managers ask me, “What technique will help me to become more
assertive? What method will make me become more quick-witted? What
can I do to become a better inuencer?” ese types of questions and the
desire for greater self-ecacy that comes with them are understandable.
However, they fall short of their goal because they remain on the level of
behavior and therefore on the surface.
Of course, techniques and methods are important in communication.
Knowing your options in order not to let a conversation escalate, which
has an elevated potential for conict, or even how to actively de-escalate,
is very valuable. However, all methods will fall short if the required basic
attitudes are not employed, for they permeate every word and every sen-
tence you speak. Attitudes inuence the quality of your questions, your
listening and ultimately the quality of the whole conversation. If you
want to raise the quality of your communication to a higher level, then
attitude equals altitude.
93
Accordingly, there are some recommended basic attitudes that are prov-
en consistent in promoting eective dialogue. ey are perceived more
deeply than any conversation technique and reliably improve the quality
of leadership, teamwork and customer interaction.
1. Reversibility
Would you be able to accept what you are about to say and remain
unscathed, if your conversational partner said the same to you? If the
answer is “No”, it might be helpful to rephrase the statement in a more
relationship-oriented way before verbally expressing it.
2. Symmetry
An eye-level conversation would be considered symmetric and would
manifest itself in an equal share of speech, for example. Symmetry as a
basic attitude is possible, even in a situation that has a tendency to be
asymmetric; as with critical feedback in a leadership context. Some spe-
cic situations are asymmetric by nature. Should the police require you
to pull over and request to see your driver’s license, this is an asymmet-
ric situation to which you are obligated to submit to legally. Previously,
conversations with a physician tended to be rather asymmetric whereas
today they can more oen be seen as a dialogue between two partners.
3. Authenticity
is is about genuineness and vulnerability. e prerequisite is a con-
versational climate that allows for fearless expression of thoughts and
emotions (that is, without having to fear negative consequences). Do you
show yourself as the person you really are – even though you are in a
role, for example, of a leader – or do you mask yourself in your behavior?
Genuineness invites authentic interaction and trust, masking generates
mistrust and distance. e masks most commonly shown are attack-
ing, blaming, and the “drooper” or victim. ey all have the purpose
of self-protection. Authenticity is generally gauged by our non-verbal
expression. It has a greater impact than what you say; especially if you
are not authentic – then it is perceived as dissonant by others. is being
said, authenticity does not mean saying everything you think and feel.
94
What you say, however, should be in line with your inner convictions.
4. Empathy
In all probability you have heard of the term “empathy” before. It de-
scribes the ability and willingness to put yourself in someone else’s shoes
and see the world through their eyes. e behavioral manifestation of
empathy is predominantly seen in partner-oriented questions and real,
active listening. is is the kind of behavior you naturally exhibit when
sitting on a park bench with your best friend. However, it can become
more challenging when you are confronted with a screaming customer,
team member or boss. In such a moment, the ability to show empathy is
not enough. What is required, more than anything, is the willingness to
show empathetic behavior that will promote dialogue.
5. Credibility
You are credible if you walk the talk, if you do what you say and only
demand of others what you would demand of yourself. is includes that
you clearly inform your counterpart about the purpose and goal of a con-
versation and that you stick to what you say or assure.
6. Respect and Goodwill
e basic willingness to respect a conversational partner in his or her
uniqueness does not mean that you accept or agree with everything they
say or do. Respect and goodwill are rather active attitudes by which you
indicate your willingness to solve problems in such a way that there are
no winners or losers in the end but a win-win situation.
7. Solution-Orientation
You can approach a situation or a challenge in either a problem or a
solution oriented way. In a problem-oriented approach, the goal is oen
to understand why something happened and whose fault it was. Hence,
it is mostly focusing on the past. A solution-oriented approach moves
the focus of attention towards possible solutions and is therefore also
future-oriented, as this is where you can actually change and inuence
something. During a conversation, you can use questions to steer the
other person’s focus of attention from the problem towards possible
95
solutions: “What should happen now, according to you? What can we do
now? What do you propose?” etc.
Bottom line: No technique or method, even if it is perfected in its appli-
cation, can replace these basic attitudes. On the contrary, without the
respective basic attitude, most techniques and methods remain mostly
ineective.
erefore, the journey towards better communication with less friction
and conict needs to go inwards rst. What are your basic attitudes, at
work and in your private relationships? Which of those basic attitudes
are promoting dialogue, which ones are not? A coach and sparring part-
ner can facilitate the answers to these questions by making you aware of
blind spots, by illuminating new courses of action and thus supporting
the change process in a lasting way.
96
Ask Coach
omas Gelmi
I am a successful leader and have already made it to
the top. Why should I get a coach?
A recent study on executive coaching, published by the Stanford Graduate
School of Business, conrms that pressure and a need for personal sup-
port on higher management levels are massive and the consequences of
neglecting these ndings can be detrimental, both personally and eco-
nomically. For many people in leading positions, “lonely at the top” is
not just a simple cliché, but rather a sad reality. A personal coach and
sparring partner can make a crucial dierence.
e image of coaching
While in the United States various forms of personal coaching and con-
sulting have steadily become a usual and legitimate way of support for
managers and executives during the past 25 years, Europe is at a dierent
evolutionary stage when it comes to coaching. In Europe, the ‘problem
and decit oriented’ perception of coaching is now slowly beginning to
shi towards a more ‘resource and potential oriented’ image, in which
especially top performers have a sparring partner at their side.
is type of collaboration is highly advantageous, with a partner who
supports executives and leaders at all stages in improving their self-aware-
ness, developing their personal strengths and growing in areas that are
important to them. Overall, this leads to more authenticity and lasting
contentment – for themselves and for their environment. Development
themes range from self-awareness and self-management to coping with
stress, leadership and communication, and oen extend to include ca-
reer-related discussions.
We all have them: Blind Spots
97
You may be successful because of your actions and behaviors. And you
may believe that they got you where you are now. is is most probably
true. However, it is probably just as true that you are where you are now
DESPITE some of your actions and behaviors that you may not even be
aware of. We call them the blind spots. Just as the dead angle in the outer
mirror of your car, where everybody else around you can see that you
are going to bump into another car if you change lanes, we all have our
blind spots in our behavior. ings we are not aware of, but that others
perceive. e remedy for reducing these blind spots is feedback; which
becomes increasingly scarcer the higher up you climb the ladder. A coach
may be the only person in your environment who does not have a hidden
agenda or personal interests biasing the feedback.
Emulated from top-class sports
is kind of partnership can best be compared with top-class sports,
where the function of a personal sparring partner or coach originally
stems from. Top athletes like Roger Federer all have a personal coach and,
regardless of their success, they don’t stop working with their coaches
but have established long-term relationships with them. If we look back
in time, when terms such as ‘sparring partner’ or ‘coach’ did not even
exist, personal and professional topics were oen discussed with friends,
family members, close condants or even a priest. Of course, these people
can still be an excellent choice, provided that one has the opportunity and
access to them.
Going even further back in time, kings oen conded with their court
jesters – the only people with the ocial permission to confront ‘His
Majesty’ with the truth. So evidently, people have always sought someone
who would listen to them without prejudice and who would give them
open and honest feedback, when required.
Social isolation and pressure have increased
Ever since those days, our society has changed drastically. In the age of
technology with its ever-increasing possibilities of digital communication,
98
genuine dialogue has fallen by the wayside and social isolation has mas-
sively increased. Ascending the career ladder can further increase the
feeling of loneliness. is being said, for people in top positions, it is
absolutely fundamental to be able to exchange thoughts openly, to talk
about their fears and concerns and discuss possible solutions.
Leaders are expected to solve seemingly unsolvable situations and make
the right decisions. Pressure is oen huge and what works for a certain
period of time and with enormous eort can quickly change through a
culmination of various factors. Suddenly, thoughts are blocked in a prob-
lem trance, solutions seem to be out of reach, the impression of failure
becomes more and more present, and the feeling of self-eectiveness de-
clines drastically. at self-assured faith in one’s own capabilities needs
to be re-established.
Executive Sparring – a comprehensive accompaniment
Executive Sparring goes far beyond classic consulting or coaching. Most
clients’ situations are complex and require a dynamic mix of roles from
the conversation partner. If specialized only in the role of a consultant
or coach, the capacity to provide the required comprehensive support
will be tremendously challenged. erefore, a professional sparring part-
ner must not only possess broad methodological competence but also
the requisite personal and interpersonal competence. Only on this basis
can co-creation happen – a close collaboration on even par that is fertile
ground for amazing insight and solutions, provided that both parties are
open and get involved in the process.
Just talking
Finally, there are clients that don’t necessarily follow a clearly set goal
when working with a sparring partner. ey simply cherish the regular
exchange and room for condential conversation with someone who is
neutral, unbiased and without a personal agenda. is is easily under-
stood, considering that the range and nature of certain topics may not be
relatable to any of the previously mentioned groups of people available.
99
ese conversations can take place in various settings, possibly at either
party’s premises, during a walk in the park, at hotels, or via web-based
applications such as Skype. It goes without saying that utmost discretion
and condentiality must be a given at all times.
Conclusion
Personal support for executives is no longer a luxury; it is fundamental
in order to successfully face future challenges. e stigma of the manager
who does not seem to make it on his or her own is slowly giving way to an
image that resembles one of a top athlete. Someone who can not only af-
ford having a personal sparring partner but who condently displays this
as a privilege and sign of authenticity and the ability for self-reection.
100
Ask Coach!
Sayeda Habib
I have my faith, why do I need a coach?
I get asked this question a lot, and it’s not the simplest to answer. is
question implies that faith oers solutions to all problems, so someone
of faith wouldn’t ever need a coach. Indeed, many people rely on faith
and prayer to get through the tough times. Prayer provides strength and
focus. Also, like Islam, I’m sure other faiths also have their own specic
behaviour guidelines of do’s and don’ts.
is is, indeed, a valid question. Why would someone ever “need” coach-
ing? Recall the last time you were stuck in a dicult situation. You relied
on your faith, prayed a lot, but you weren’t sure what to do. Perhaps
the things you’d tried hadn’t worked. Did you, or someone you know,
go through something like this? Would it have helped to seek someone
out who could listen to you, and perhaps help you brainstorm some
solutions? Could you have perhaps benetted from picking up new skills
around problem solving, communicating, or even emotional manage-
ment? Could acquiring those skills have helped you then, maybe even
now?
A coach is someone who can view your situation from a neutral place.
He or she will even support you to look at your situation from “coach”
Sayeda Habib, PCC
An author, speaker, and certied
coach. Her passion and vision is
to make coaching accessible to
Muslims all over the globe. She
currently writes for a variety of
Muslim publications and speaks
at Islamic educational events and
conferences.
101
position, where you will be able to notice things from a dierent vantage
point. A vantage point that’s not available when you’re going through
something and you’re in the thick of it. Of course, you will have family
and friends that may be able to help, but they may be emotionally vested
as well. ey may be attached to things working out for you, and that may
also prevent them from being completely neutral. is is just the way it
goes. Our friends and family care for us, and that oen prevents them
from seeing the picture from various angles.
Coaching can oer you the opportunity to allow your emotions to settle,
so that you can examine the challenges you’re facing from various van-
tage points. It can also allow you the opportunity to learn new skills to
cope with your situation; even change how you relate to it altogether. Of
course, it doesn’t take the place of your faith. In fact, coaching will work
within your own value system. Your values are the foundation of who
you are, and they can’t be separated from you. So, a skilled coach will
work with you within your own beliefs. e aim of coaching is to support
you in nding solutions that work for you within your lifestyle and belief
system.
Regarding someone “needing” coaching, all I can say is that this is a very
personal choice. Some people feel they need it, and others feel they want
to have it, because it adds value to their life. If you feel that you could use
some support during a challenging time, then that’s really all that mat-
ters. If you choose to have a coach, it may be one of the most worthwhile
investments you make in yourself.
102
Ask Coach!
Sayeda Habib
I am having serious issues with my parent/ spouse.
ey just don’t want to listen to me, and our
relationship is deteriorating even further because of
their behaviour. Can you please talk to them, so that
they can change their ways?
You’re feeling frustrated, heartbroken or angry, and you wish this loved
one would change their ways, but here’s the reality- your changing an-
other person is virtually impossible. You may be able to inuence them
in certain ways, but any changes they make are really up to them. Change
doesn’t happen if a person doesn’t see the value in it, or want it for him-
self. Even if you were to convince the other person to come for coaching,
the coaching wouldn’t really work, unless they could see value in it for
themselves. Believe me, I’ve come across this in my coaching practice
several times. Coaching only works when a person chooses to coachable.
Don’t lose hope though, because a relationship is essentially about how
people relate to one another. You are both currently relating to one
another in a certain way that really isn’t working for you. However, if
you shi the way that you are relating to this person, the avour of the
relationship can shi. You will be able to improve your experience of the
relationship.
What may be crossing your mind right now is that their behaviour will
still be a problem. We can never control another person’s behaviour, so
if you focus on it, you will stay stuck in the current pattern. e way to
shi the nature of the relationship is to focus on what you control. You
don’t control another person’s behaviour, but you can control how you
relate to it.
103
So, I invite you to take on a new attitude around concerning this relation-
ship. is is the attitude that you will do things that are in your control
for enriching/improving any relationship in your life. is attitude also
implies that you are willing to let go of what is not in your control. By
taking this on, your focus will become more productive and the way you
are relating to this person will change. To start this process, rst identify
where you are right now.
Identify Your Present State:
Notice if any of the following thoughts/feelings seem familiar:
“I can’t believe how inconsiderate she is”
“Here we go again…”
“I’ve done my best, I just can’t please her”
“Why would they do this to me?”
“I should have known better”
ink about this person, and write down the rst three thoughts that
come into your mind: ___________________________________
Do they sound negative or blameful?
Do these thoughts get triggered each time you have an interaction with
the person?
Are most of your interactions negative?
What, specically, have you done to improve things? What was the result?
If you answers sound negative, then this is a sign that you’re caught in a
spiral of frustration and blame. Perhaps you’ve been trying to improve
things, but nothing is changing despite all your eorts. is may be
the case, but reminding yourself of it will only keep you stuck in this
negative spiral. You’ve already got some of these thoughts at the back
of your mind, and if you don’t let them go, they will resurface each time
something else happens. Our minds are very powerful ling systems.
Something happening today may trigger an experience that happened
long ago, because the mind has already got a connected association led
away, as something familiar with what’s happening now. For example,
104
you’re walking on the sidewalk, and the smell of freshly baked bread is in
the air. e aroma immediately reminds you of a bakery back home, or
the memory of your grandma baking bread. e mind is using this ability
of associating things together all the time; this is why certain aromas or
pieces of music can take you right back to events that happened many
years ago, and all in an instant.
So, if you continue holding onto any negativities from the past, they will
be re-triggered with every new event. You may think that they are buried,
but anytime there is a new somewhat negative, interaction, past memories
will come ooding back, creating further frustration and anger. You may
have noticed yourself bringing up things long gone, right in the middle of
a current argument. If so, then consider that they must be let go in order
for this relationship to have a chance. e longer the cycle continues,
the more damage to the relationship. You can’t relate well with another
person whom you’re resenting or blaming, it’s not possible.
e rst thing you will need to do is to set yourself free from all the past
baggage. e way to do this is through active forgiveness. Active forgive-
ness means that you are letting go of all the negative emotions surround-
ing the events. It does not mean that you’re forgetting, or condoning the
actions- it just means that you’re going to let go of the anger, hurt and
blame.
Step 1: Forgiveness letter exercise:
Write a letter to the person with the intention of letting all the negative
emotions go. Let all your frustrations out, but keep the intention clear.
State your intention for letting things go and putting the past behind you.
Use whatever words work for you. Once you are done saying all that you
need to say, tear up the letter. Avoid reading it or keeping it. is is not
to share with the other person, it is purely to allow you to release all that
you’ve held onto inside. Repeat this process anytime you feel the negativ-
ities surfacing again, but make sure to state your intention each time. Be
mindful when writing these letters, as the idea is to avoid strengthening
negative emotions. If you re-read them, or re-arm the past, you can
end up back where you started. If you do this exercise with the correct
105
intention, you will nd yourself much happier and free from the baggage.
is will not remove the memories, but it will release the negative emo-
tions, which is what you want.
Step 2: Setting a New Intention:
Forgiveness is about creating space. Read the next paragraph, then close
your eyes and visualize:
Imagine your heart as a vessel. Visualize the space, now that its been
cleansed, and reect on what you’d like to now ll it with. Imagine that
your heart will reect how this relationship will be. How would you like
your relationship to be with this person? What are you willing to do, or
say to make that happen? What are you now going to believe about him
or her?
Visualize the relationship, as you’d now like it to be. Notice what you are
doing, and saying. Notice how this relationship is shiing. Once you are
ready, then open your eyes.
Step 3: Sharing your new intention:
Write down your new belief about this person. Write down your new in-
tention for this relationship. Now write a letter to this person expressing
how you would like things to be from now on. Tell them what you are
willing to do to make this happen. Once you are satised with this letter,
you can choose to share it with them in writing, or spend a little time
reading it to them.
Step 4: Setting new boundaries:
Building any relationship is about setting boundaries. Now, you may
be thinking that this is about telling the other person what s/he should/
shouldn’t do. But remember, this person isn’t the one who has had a
change in approach. is is about setting boundaries for yourself.
1. Reect on some of the things that you said or did that had a negative
impact on the relationship.
2. Which of these things are you now willing to stop doing?
3. What behaviours will you adopt instead? Write down these specic
106
behaviours.
4. What are some of the things that this other person needed from you
that you weren’t willing to take on?
5. Which of these, if any, are you now willing to take on?
6. Are there any other areas, where you may need to be more exible?
Why do this?
Of course, what I’m suggesting is a lot of work-especially if you’re the one
whose doing all of it. So, what would make it worth it? Just reect, if this
relationship is better, how will it impact your life, and your wellbeing?
Imagine if this relationship stayed the same, how would that aect your
life and your wellbeing? Once you’re clear about the impact, you can then
choose how you wish to proceed. If you then realize that improving this
relationship is really worth it- then give the exercises a go. You will nd it
challenging for sure, but the rewards will make the journey worthwhile.
107
Ask Coach!
Sayeda Habib
I often wonder why my friends and colleagues seem
to have such perfect lives. ey don’t seem to have
any problems. How come things keep going their
way, and I can’t seem to get things to work out for
me, even though I keep trying? Am I doing something
wrong, or is there something wrong with me?
I’m sure many of us have thought that others have a better life than us.
is is even more likely to happen during tough times. Other’s lives
“seem” to be perfect. ey have the perfect spouse, perfect house, perfect
job, or looks. It is human to compare ourselves to others, aer all, com-
paring provides a reference point for our own lives; however, this can
also be a seriously detrimental behaviour. We may not even notice how
oen we’re doing it.
ere are two basic ways of comparing. Either, we compare ourselves
to those who have less than us, or we compare ourselves to those who
seem to have something we desire. is could be a long discussion, so
we won’t go into it, and we will focus on the question asked. So if you’re
comparing your life to others, and it seems that they don’t have any prob-
lems or issues- then you’re comparing with an attitude of scarcity. ey
have what you don’t have. is attitude of scarcity will always leave you
with a feeling of lack. Why? Because the fundamental belief underneath
is that something is lacking. You’re looking at life from that lens, and so
everything reected back to you will be from that lens. Noticing what you
don’t have also implies that you are resisting “what-is.” ere’s absolute-
ly nothing wrong with wanting more, but it oen depends on how you
want it. If you want to aim for better, that’s wonderful. However, if you
want more while actively disliking what you have, it means that you’re
resisting the way things are. Whatever you resist tends to stay the same.
is is because your energy is caught up in thinking things “shouldn’t”
108
be this way. All that energy could be applied more productively towards
building something you want. ere is nothing wrong with you as a per-
son. Instead, certain behaviours or habits you have aren’t serving you. So
let’s look at some things you can do to achieve the things you truly want.
Some of these things will take practice until they become second nature,
so be ready for that.
Step 1: Break the comparison habit:
is is a short exercise that you can take on at any time of the day. Do
ensure that you do it daily, for at least one month. e intention of this
exercise is to bring you attention to “what-is” in your life. You will begin
to focus your attention on how things are, both to your liking/ not to
your liking.
Take paper and pen. Write down 5 things that you are accepting about
your life. Being each sentence with “I am accepting ________________
For example:
1. I am accepting that I am 5-10lbs overweight
2. I am accepting that I have a wonderful spouse
3. I am accepting that I waste time watching TV
Do this on a daily basis. Notice how it feels. Are you feeling a resistance
to how certain things are? How does it feel when you notice this? Just
allow the resistance to be there for now. Just remind yourself to work on
accepting things as they are. It may seem new at rst, but it will become
more familiar and easier over time.
Step 2: practice gratitude:
So, you’ve started accepting things as they are, that’s a step forward.
However, it may still be the case that you don’t like how they are. You may
still feel that there’s more wrong rather than right in your life. Accepting
that so many things are wrong doesn’t feel great does it. Now here’s the
real issue. Its not that the circumstances of your life are wrong, instead,
you’re perceiving them to be wrong.
109
In Coaching, we oen explore what lens a client is wearing when they are
looking at life. Imagine two extremes. On one side, a person is completely
optimistic where everything is rosy, and possible challenges don’t seem
daunting. On the other, there’s the “pessimist” who looks at everything as
wrong. ey are sorting for everything being wrong.
On a scale from one to 10, how happy is your life?
______________________________________________________
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Nothing is going right Everything
is Perfect
What number did you choose? If you’re closer to one, that means you’re
your current habit of sorting information, is to generally, sort for the neg-
ative. is is to observe, not judge. e way to shi this habit is to practice
gratitude on a daily basis.
Gratitude List:
Choose 5-10 minutes daily for this exercise. Take a pen and paper, and
write down the question “what am I truly grateful for today?” Next, write
down whatever comes to mind. It can be absolutely anything, from a
great cup of tea, to a chat with a good friend. Note down anything that
you genuinely feel thankful for. e more you do this, the more your
mindset will begin to shi.
Step 3: list “positive” goals:
Now that you’re learning to have a more optimistic frame of mind,
achieving your goals will also become a greater possibility. Give the fol-
lowing steps a go:
1. Write down your top three goals as you’ve been writing them before.
2. Are any of them “don’t want” statements? For example, “I don’t want to
smoke. I don’t want to be overweight.” Don’t want statements will focus
the mind’s attention on the “don’t.” You will need to re-frame them.
110
3. Re-set the same goals as short, positive, and specic statements. ese
statements will be I want/ I intend statements. For example: I don’t want
to be overweight can become “I intend to be 115lbs.
4. Next, set yourself some measurable targets along the way. ese will
support you in measuring your progress.
5. Lastly: set a exible time frame for your goals. Write a specic date, but
add “or better.” is will help you feel empowered to achieve your goal in
the time frame that’s actually workable for you.
It is possible to get ourselves out of the comparison bug. If we start ac-
cepting what our reality is, it can free us up to actually take actions. Also,
if we begin to truly feel grateful for what we have, that will only give us
energy to do something more for ourselves. Of course, the last step is to
take some action. My best wishes to you on this journey. It may seem
challenging, and you may hit bumps along the way, but shiing your
focus will support you in have a more meaningful life in the long run.
111
Ask Coach!
Lynn Stewart
What makes a coaching sessions eective?
ere are several things that make a coaching session eective one is the
skeleton… the overall structure of the session: the objective, the plan, and
the support.
e objective:
is constitutes the purpose for the session. It is the bottom line agree-
ment, the rudder of the ship, the raison d’être that will keep the coach
and client coming back to the direction that needs to be followed. It
might be
to have a relationship with my niece
to improve communication with my partner
to increase the bottom line 10%...
to lose 10 pounds
e agreed upon objective is the backbone or the centerpiece of the ses-
sion. Its constant presence assists the coach in getting to the client’s real
issue and ultimately the answer for which s/he is looking. e objective
keeps the session on track and must keep the focus in reach at all times.
Lynn U Stewart, PCC
e rst MMS certied coach
trained personally by Dr. Chérie
Carter-Scott. In 1979 she went on
to lead the MMS organization as
its President and CEO
112
e plan:
Once the objective has been established, the plan needs to be formulated
when there is a clear answer to the question. e plan is the step-by-step
process that is required in order for the objective to become realized. is
part is lled with strategy, calendars, timelines and most of all commit-
ment. Before the session is over, a good coach will make certain that there
is a clear plan to move forward. is includes responsibility, enthusiasm
and the motivation that the seemingly impossible can happen given that
there is a good solid program.
e support:
is is the time when the coaching question and the answer could be-
come fuzzy since making dreams come true is not without obstacles. e
excitement and the enthusiasm of birthing a dream sometimes has its
hurdles and oen the project will lose its magical momentum as life sends
its tests on the road for reexamination. ese questions might occur:
Do I really want to have a conversation with my niece?
Do I sincerely think that communicating with my partner is that
urgent?
Do I give a darn about increasing the bottom line?
Do I care about getting back in shape?
Challenging questions may arise and the seeds of doubt could anchor
themselves in the soil beneath the clients feet. is is the place where
the coach is most valuable. It is the coach’s job to keep the client on the
path and assist with more questions that ensure the client is keeping his
promises to himself… and getting what he said he wanted.
ese three steps in addition to a non-judgmental environment are the
underpinnings of the coaching process. If a good chemistry session has
been created to determine the match factor, the eectiveness of a session
will have a 90% chance of good success.
113
Ask Coach!
Lynn Stewart
What happens if the client doesn’t know the answers
to the questions?
Coaches have their ways of getting to what’s blocking the answers.
ere are answers to all of the questions a client might have about his
future. However there might be some blocks to uncovering the answers.
e usual blocks discovered in my practice have to do with resistance
to change, fear of the unknown, or a commitment to the status quo.
Inevitably in the coaching process, there will be a new road to be explored
that will also have uncertainty, doubt, and fear. e coaching process by
denition involves change. Change makes most people uncomfortable
since they would rather maintain the status quo then embark on change.
e old saying, “the devil that you know is better than the devil that you
don’t know” can be a perfect reason to keep clients stuck.
ere are several ways to support clients in nding their own answers.
If they have agreed in the chemistry session that they know they have
their own inner information, if the connection is in place, and if there is a
judgment-free environment, the client will unravel his own story and get
to the heart of the matter. If the coach has been successful in
obtaining a good objective – a focal point
nding an example of what the coach is addressing
dening terms so that there is mutual understanding of the words
downloading the information – dreams, intentions and fears,thoughts,
feelings
recapping appropriately throughout the session
checking for the outcome
getting the ideal outcome
working thorough the blocks
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It is dicult to hide from the answer if the coach is on his game and the
client is clear about wanting to unearth the answer. e truth will bubble
up into the conversation. e answers will emerge and the bottom-line
truth will be revealed.
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Ask Coach!
Lynn Stewart
How do you know when the contract is done?
e Introductory interview or the chemistry session is critical to the over-
all success of the session. is is the time when the coach sets the contract
in motion and lays down the ground rules for the process. When you
have gone through the dierent phases of the objective, there will be
information that is imparted that will be a little like a treasure hunt. As
you start to uncover the layers of information that need to be known or
seen by the client, the essence of the quest starts to be revealed. When the
objective has become clear, and the plan has been determined, then the
session is eectively launched.
Luke was a successful Managing director of a College. His educational
world had grown to be unsatisfying and he came to me to either empower
his present situation or to help him nd a new job. He allocated one year
in which to nd the new energy to get reengaged or nd a new position.
He launched into a coaching project where he looked at every possible
facet of his present situation to infuse energy and excitement, to no avail.
At the end of the rst year he made a choice to move on. He launched a
rigorous plan to nd a new situation. During his visioning session, he
uncovered his love for nature, the mountains, sports, and his family. To
his surprise he discovered he wanted to relocate to North America. He
longed to nd a similar work situation where he could be close to his aging
parents and give his family a fresh start, an experience in International
living. He relocated his family to North America and found the perfect
position as the managing director of a prestigious college in Canada.
e coaching project was a two-year project. e plan was laid
out and the result was realized. erefore the project as was
mapped out in the original meeting had a natural and organic end.
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Not all projects are as neat and manageable as Luke’s but there is a natu-
ral and organic ow to each coaching project. During the original session
I ask about the clients comfort zone. I also ask how many sessions s/he
would ideally like to have. At each juncture of the project I check with my
client to ensure that what we originally contracted is still accurate.
At any time this situaiton might change and then there will be adjust-
ments to be made.
John was an engineer who had been given a mandate to be a more for-
giving person to his subordinates. He was told that he had to mange his
temper or he would have to seriously think about another position. In
our introductory interview we discussed how this situation was bleeding
over into his family life and that his anger was getting in the way of his
relationship with his wife, his friends, and his son. He chose to have ten
sessions. We used the list as our guide and each session built on the
previous one. As we unraveled the triggers about where the anger orig-
inated, it became clear that we had found the ways to deal with the past,
the present, and the future. e ten sessions were the perfect number and
John found his composure, his tolerance, and his patience. He became
a more empathic, caring, and understanding professional and husband.
He saw how his anger and upsets were connected and was able to get
control of his emotions in a new way. His ten 90-minute sessions were
exactly what he needed to get the result he wanted.
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Ask Coach!
Christy Whitman
Manifesting Success: A Series of Next Logical Steps
e most successful endeavors are not those that occur because of a sud-
den windfall or a quantum leap in consciousness, but those that unfold
as the next logical step on the evolving journey of our lives. e amazing
career I now enjoy as a life coach unfolded in precisely this manner.
Like the majority of women and men who transition into a career as a
life coach, I held down a 9 to 5 job in corporate America that provided
enough money to live on, but not nearly enough challenge or meaning
to make life interesting. roughout my 20s and early 30s, I worked in
a number of dierent positions, and while I certainly learned something
from each of them, I longed for a career that would give me the oppor-
tunity to enhance the quality of people’s lives, and to use my time and
talents in a way that fullled a much higher purpose than simply mak-
ing ends meet. What started out as a nagging sense of discontent grew
stronger with each passing year. I felt aimless, without purpose, without
passion – and without a clue as to what actions I could take to get back
on track.
Christy Whitman
Transformational Leader,
Abundance Coach, New York
Times Bestselling Author
of ‘e Art of Having It All’ &
CEO & Founder of the Quantum
Success
Coaching Academy
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Searching for answers, I began immersing myself in spiritual wisdom
from traditions old and new and from all around the world. I learned
about meditation, visualization, and energy alignment. I learned from
quantum physics that the universe we live in is made up entirely of ener-
gy, as is everything that our senses perceive as solid – including our own
physical bodies. I learned about the powerful Law of Attraction which
underlies, organizes and precedes every act of creation. I learned how to
work with my own energy eld to magnetize the outcomes and experi-
ences I most desired. e more I practiced and applied the universal laws
that govern deliberate creation, the more excited I became. Although I
didn’t realize it at the time, what I was learning would not only change
the quality my life; it would also become the essence of my life’s work.
Determined to test the accuracy of all that I’d learned, I decided to con-
duct an experiment. I consciously applied these internal practices with
the intention of transforming the external conditions of my own life. I
began a daily practice of meditating, visualizing, magnetizing, and con-
necting with the energy of passion, purpose, and success. e changes I
created in my life over the course of the next two years proved beyond
any doubt that these energy practices worked. I was producing measur-
able, tangible results.
I received a series of job oers, and each new position I accepted oered
a higher salary, more benets, better working conditions, and greater
freedom. As a result of this new inux of abundance, I was able to pay
o over $60,000 in consumer debt, I moved into a place of my own that I
looked forward to coming home to each day, and transformed my body
(and my self-esteem) as the twenty extra pounds I’d been carrying for
years seemed to melt away eortlessly. I felt powerful and in control of
my own life.
e realization that I’d stumbled upon principles that could be applied
in any aspect of life to produce reliable and measurable change triggered
the next logical question along my journey of becoming a coach: Could
I teach these principles to others in a way that would enable them to
produce similar results for themselves?
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Again, the answer came without my ever having to look for it. As friends
and coworkers noticed the changes in me, they started asking what I’d
been doing dierently. And instead of trying to explain my process, I
oered to give them a direct experience of it. Just like that, I attracted
my very rst coaching clients. And less than a year later, I le my job in
corporate America to tend to my coaching practice full time.
Fast forward twenty years to the time of this writing, and I am now the
founder of the Quantum Success Coaching Academy, a thriving inter-
nationally acclaimed coaching organization that has trained over 3,000
Law of Attraction coaches worldwide and whose message reaches over
200,000 people each month. I’m the author of ve books (two of which
became New York Timesbestsellers), and the creator of an enormous li-
brary of personal development programs. I’m making more money than
I ever dreamed possible doing work so personally rewarding that I would
do it for free.
ere are two important elements that have contributed powerfully to my
personal success, and that have made Quantum Success coaching distinct
in this industry. e rst is that my philosophy – and every technique
and principle that I teach to the coaches I train – is based upon an un-
derstanding and application of the universal laws of deliberate creation.
We are rm in our belief that our clients already have all the answers
they need within them; that there is a natural process of evolution that is
at work in theirs and in all of our lives, and that when we learn to listen
to and cooperate with it, our client’s perfect next steps occur to them
naturally and eortlessly. In our view, the role of a coach is not to oer
guidance or give advice, but to simply guide our clients back to the source
of their own inner wisdom.
We approach every coaching relationship with the absolute understand-
ing that we cannot x, transform, improve, or otherwise help our clients.
eir life experiences have unfolded for the singular purpose of helping
them to more powerfully clarify their desires. Our job is to simply hold
a clear, safe space for the client’s inner wisdom to emerge. By trusting
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in the innite creative power of our clients, we become conduits through
which they can connect with the precise impulses, information, insights
and understandings that will support them in shiing their perspective,
and recreating their lives.
e second aspect of my coaching philosophy is inextricably tied to my
success: I passionately believe that the experiences of each coach – the
sum total of the triumphs and tragedies that have shaped us as human
beings, and the unique wisdom that we now have as a result – contributes
a vitally important dimension to the coaching relationship that shouldn’t
be le out of the equation. In fact, one of the biggest keys to building a
thriving coaching practice lies in focusing on a specialty, or niche mar-
ket, that makes the best use of your existing skillset, life experience, and
interests.
I teach all of the coaches who receive their certication through my
Quantum Success Coaching Academy training program a fun and easy
process for determining their niche. I direct them to make a list of their
existing skillset, the life experiences that have made the greatest impact
on them, and the wisdom they have gained along their own journey
of personal growth that they are most proud of. At the intersection of
these three components – existing skillset, life experience, and wisdom
gained – they discover the demographic of people they are most inclined
to serve, and the focal point for their practice that will best allow them
to leverage all that they have to contribute. One of the most gratifying
aspects of being a coach is that the more we grow and learn, the more we
have to give and teach.
For example, before I became a coach, I had a high-paying job in the
biotech industry training pharmaceutical sales representatives. Although
it required a demanding travel schedule and had its share of inter-oce
politics, I absolutely loved leading the sales trainings. In front of a room
full of people, and distinguishing the principles for creating success, I felt
purposeful and alive. Although I did not realize it at the time, this job was
preparing me for what was to come: In the course of leading those sales
trainings, I became very good at public speaking and working with group
121
dynamics – skills that have served me enormously well in facilitating the
group coaching programs that I lead today.
If you’ve not yet dened your coaching “niche,” the following questions
can lead you in the direction of this discovery:
What positive changes have you made in your life that you are the most
proud of? For example, have you successfully transitioned aer a di-
vorce? Have you reached an important milestone in your career? Have
you transformed your physique or your lifestyle in ways that make you
proud?
What are your passions and unique interests? Are there hobbies or caus-
es that draw your attention outside of work? What activities or projects
would you happily participate in for free?
Is there a demographic of people you are naturally inclined to work with?
You can think here both in terms of specic age groups (teens; young
adults; the elderly), and also in terms of organizations or groups of people
who are drawn together by common interests (environmental concerns,
for example, or new mothers).
Because I am passionate about helping others achieve their goals and to
lead happier and more successful lives, “marketing” my practice – even
in the early days – was simply a natural extension of the types of con-
versations I have with everyone I interact with. I have never thought of
growing my business as a function of “selling” anyone on anything. I’ve
always viewed it as a process of attracting those who can benet from
what I uniquely have to oer.
e word “marketing” has negative connotations, and conjures images of
cold calls, pounding the pavement, even coercion. It’s no wonder so many
coaches – even those who are condent in their abilities – struggle with
this aspect of their business. But as someone who has enjoyed a thriving,
lucrative, and deeply rewarding coaching practice for over een years –
and also as someone who has spent the last nine years training hundreds
122
of others to do the same – I can tell you with certainty that marketing is
a crucial component to the expansion of any business. In actuality, the
act of marketing yourself and your services is an expression of your self-
worth and an indication that you are open to abundance. But in order
to understand it in these terms, the word itself is in need of an expanded
denition.
Traditional marketing takes an outside-in approach: We recognize a
lack or deciency in some area – a shortage of money, perhaps; or of
clients; or opportunities – and to compensate, we create a marketing plan
to target people and circumstances who we believe can ll those needs.
is approach evokes defensiveness, because when we are driven more
by what we need than by the value we have to oer, others sense this, and
we end up repelling those we are trying so hard to reach.
“Magnetic” marketing, which is the process I teach all of the coaches I
train, takes a completely dierent tact. Consider the organic coming to-
gether of people, ideas and circumstance that occurs when a relationship
is truly mutually enjoyable and benecial, and when each party is clear
about what the interaction will allow them to give and to receive. It in-
volves no sale job; no convincing; no eort. When a ower is in bloom,
bees are drawn to it naturally. e union is mutually benecial and each
party expands as a result of it. is natural, easy coming together is gov-
erned by the principle of magnetism. And although we can’t see this force
with our eyes, every living being registers its power.
Everything in our physical universe is made of energy, and this ener-
gy is alive, moving, and vibrating at a particular frequency. We receive
and respond to the frequency of the energy around us, whether we are
consciously aware of this or not. Likewise, the thoughts and emotions
we oer in each moment also generate vibrations that are palpable to all
those around us.
Long before people ever ask for details about your services, they are
gathering essential information about you. e words you speak and
write; the way you carry yourself– and most importantly, the mood or
123
energy you bring to the interaction – are all powerful communications
to potential clients that will either repel them or pique their interest. As
Ralph Waldo Emerson notes in his famous quote, “Who you are speaks
so loudly, I can’t hear what you’re saying.” When you as a coach are in
touch with the gis that you hold; the value you provide; and the results
you’ve achieved – both with your clients and in your own life – the vibra-
tions that you send out are naturally magnetic.
When I rst set out all those years ago in search of answers to help me
create more happiness and success in my life, I never could have predict-
ed the destinations to which that path would lead. e Quantum Success
Coaching Academy that now supports thousands people each year in
leading more abundant, successful, and joyful lives was built from the
inside out, by simply following my impulses, acknowledging my unique
contributions, and – from each milestone along that path – taking the
next logical step.
124
Ask Coach!
Liza Boubari
Coming from the corporate world, I knew very well how stress aected
working professionals sitting behind desks in cubicles. I, myself, was a
product of that robotic lifestyle that resulted in a meltdown. Women,
today, juggle and multi-task trying to balance work with family life oen
missing critical signals the body sends out. Healing my own self through
hypnotherapy led me to discover the eectiveness of hypnosis and result-
ed in my becoming the founder of HealWithin. As a certied in Domestic
Violence Consultant, I have a tremendous passion in helping women to
stand up and share their voices.
“Hypnosis can facilitate treatment for a wide range of psychological
and medical problems,” says clinical hypnotherapist Liza Boubari of
HealWithin. “It can be used in many cases and be a valuable tool in
treating stress, anxiety disorders, phobias, smoking cessation, weight
management, post-traumatic disorders, behavioral problems, sleep and
irritable bowl syndrome. In our practice, we have also increasingly been
using hypnosis in such diverse areas as pain management, easily birthing
and copying with menopause and cancer.”
Liza Boubari, CCHt, CSMc
earned her Clinical Hypnotherapy
Certication from the Hypnotism
Training Institute of Glendale
in 1996. Boubari now serves
as a member on the Executive
Board of American Council of
Hypnotherapists
125
Despite its versatility as a therapeutic approach and its long history, hyp-
nosis is not well understood. Trance-like or meditative states have been
elements of spiritual practice for thousands of years and scientic explo-
ration began in the 1700s with the Austrian physician Franz Mesmer,
who believed that a magnetic force owed from the hypnotist to the sub-
ject. In the nineteenth century, Scottish surgeon James Braid and others
advanced the theory of susceptibility to suggestion that became the foun-
dation of the modern practice of hypnosis. “In hypnosis, you are fully
awake and alert, but in a highly relaxed state that resembles daydreaming
or cat nap,” says Liza. “In fact, one is more hyper-attentive, which means
they are able to focus on a specic thought and tune out distractions. In
this relaxed state you become more open to suggestions, which enable
you to work more eectively on deeply entrenched problems.”
How does hypnosis work?
ere is still an element of mystery about hypnosis. We can see what
happens when a subject is in a hypnotic state, but science has still not
determined precisely how or why it happens. It is thought that the deeply
relaxed and focused hypnotic state provides access to the subconscious,
which facilitates changing unwanted negative behavior patterns, dealing
with fears and anxiety, and uncovering repressed emotions that can be
addressed to resolve various psychological problems.
Do I lose control over my behavior under hypnosis?
“is is one of the most common misconceptions about hypnosis,” says
Liza Boubari. “It is understandable that anyone who has seen people on
stage engage in silly antics at the suggestion of the hypnotist might think
that you are giving up control. However, while you are less inhibited and
more open to suggestion in trance, you are still in control. Furthermore,
you will remember what happens during hypnosis. Your personal mo-
rality and integrity remain in eect and you won’t do anything you don’t
want to do.”
126
Can anyone be hypnotized?
Some people are more responsive to hypnotic suggestions than others.
Usually those who are resistant to suggestions are under the misunder-
standing that they will lose control under hypnosis. To be successfully
hypnotized you must want to be hypnotized. It also helps to feel relaxed,
comfortable and trusting of the hypnotist.
How can hypnosis relieve pain?
e mind and the body are inextricably linked. Hypnosis oers the ability
to utilize both the conscious and subconscious mind together to reduce
pain. ere are a variety of suggestions and techniques that can be used to
enable access to your subconscious mind to help better control or allevi-
ate pain. Hypnosis has been eective in easing the pain of cancer, burns,
bromyalgia, headaches and more.
Are there risks associated with hypnosis?
As practiced by a certied clinical professional who has had specialized
training through a recognized organization such as the American Society
of Clinical Hypnosis, hypnosis is safe. “Hypnosis is not therapy, although
we use therapeutic suggestions,” Liza emphasizes. “It is a technique that
can facilitate therapy and should only be used by a qualied psychologist
or other licensed health professional as part of an overall therapeutic
plan.”
My jaw is locked and can’t sing. Help me.
A chiropractor friend of mine referred me a client that was so stressed
that chiropractic services could not help her. She came in for hypnosis
but, because she was so stressed, she opted for massage instead. During
the massage she relaxed enough to share her stressful scenario. With her
permission, I began asking her leading questions about her stress and jaw
locking – as if I were doing hypnotherapy. In less than ten minutes, she
was able to tap into feelings that had manifested into locked jaw and she
was able to express what is going on. In short, she used to sing carols
127
with her grandmother and since her grandmother’s passing, her jaw had
locked up. With the use of guided visualization and hypnotic suggestions,
she realized how she had held on and not let go of the grieving process.
Muscle has memory and the subconscious holds the true story. In 10
minutes, her jaw became unlocked and she was released of the subliminal
eect of her emotional grief.
rough hypno-massage therapy, we worked on “sending love to grand-
ma” and, thus, becoming free of what was hindering her from doing what
she loved the most – singing carols.
is client and her results helped to reinforce the faith that I had in mind-
body healing and the power within us. Mind-Body therapy has taken o
in my practice. It is my privilege to help my clients release their physical,
emotional, pain, hurt and trauma.
Can you help me quit smoking? Cancer and smoking
don’t go together.
To be a hypnotherapist – you must be drawn to the magic of transform-
ing a habit or life for the better, the art and science of the mind, and
the inner workings of the subconscious mind. You must tap into their
realities and unique perceptions to be able to function as the “architect”
who may need to remodel the workings of the mind by hacking away
at false beliefs hidden behind shut doors. e blueprint would have to
include new wirings and plenty of extra windows through the light and
healing must come through.
In the case of Helen, a client who was a computer programmer, the blue-
print was tailored to the client’s life style and psychographics. During
hypnosis, the suggestions were for her to imagine coding a new program.
She was to visualize coding a program for “Helen-e-Smoker-with-
roat-Cancer” that would override the existing program that identied
with “Helen-e-2-Pack-Smoker”.
128
It was critical for Helen-e-Smoker to stop because she needed to have
chemotherapy for her throat cancer and smoking was counterproductive
to chemo. It is hard to believe that it took only one session for transfor-
mation to take place. Today, Helen is cancer-free and smoke-free. I would
attribute the success in Helen’s case to the fact that she was extremely
receptive and because the hypnotherapy was catered to her specic per-
sonality, profession and belief system.
Fears and Phobia – Real or Imagined?
We all have felt it at some point; your stomach is churning, your heart
racing, even your palms are sweating at just the thought of a standing
up in front of a crowd and giving a speech. is is just one of many fears
that humans experience. But whether it is being on stage face to face with
thousands of people, creepy crawly insects or death, each of these fears
comes from an emotion or situation acquired throughout our life.
Real or Imagined?
Janet avoids going to the dentist. She becomes apprehensive, fears the
needle and is embarrassed by her nervousness. She feels so nervous
that by the time she is at the dentist’s oce she has sweaty palms and is
close to hyperventilating – all this created before she even gets there. She
suers from phobia, irrational fears and avoidance of certain objects or
situations.
Learning to Be Afraid
Phobias are irrational, which means people may be afraid even though
the fear doesn’t make sense to them. For example, someone may fear a
dog even though the little cuddly dog acts tame and friendly. Phobias
frequently begin with a frightening experience. A parent having a bad
reaction with water or a dog will not go swimming with the child or will
pull her child away from any dog thus, embedding in the child’s mind to
fear water or dogs —at least temporarily. Did you know we learn to fear
something happening to us or watching bad things happen to others, and
by being around people who are themselves fearful? In general, avoid-
ance and worry increases the fear, while reassuring experiences will help
129
a person become less fearful.
Of course, it’s natural to have a little fear. Some level of anxiety helps
warn us when there’s danger or motivates us to behave in a certain way
– that’s healthy.In other words, if you’re eyeball-to-eyeball with a black
widow spider, the desire to run screaming from the room falls under
the domain of self-preservation. at’s good. But if you spend 20 min-
utes every morning inspecting your shoes to make sure an eight-legged
monster isn’t lying inside waiting to bite your big toe, fear has probably
crossed the line into the irrational. Not so good.
Most hypnotherapists get in this line of work due to their own personal
experience and wanting to share and help others heal.
Unlearning Fears
As intense as it can be, the fear itself isn’t the real problem. What is harm-
ful, though, is the behavioral response: when people with phobias change
the way they live to avoid the thing they fear.
Phobias are among the easiest to treat of psychological problems. Even if the
fear is severe, the treatment can be fairly brief – four to ve sessions. In fact,
we oen can reduce or eliminate a phobia ourselves if we go about it properly.
e two main principles of phobia treatment come from common sense
notions. If you fall o a horse:
1. Get back on right away so you don’t develop a fear of horses; or
2. Practice approaching the horse and riding a little at a time to get used
to it.
Itdoesn’t mean you’re crazy or even weird if you have a phobia. You’re
not weak. ere’s nothing wrong with you. If your fear is aecting your
day-to-day life, it’s time to get help.
What does it take to be a hypnotherapist?
To be a hypnotherapist – you must be drawn to the magic of transform-
ing a habit or life for the better, the art and science of the mind, and the
130
inner workings of the subconscious mind.
To create a successful practice you must build a good reputation based
on care, compassion, and a strong ability to help people overcome their
issues. It helps if you have a personal healing experience and have over-
come your own demons. By doing your own therapy you can certainly
have a better understanding of how vulnerable it is to be a client.
As a hypnotherapist and coach, one of the biggest challenges you may
face would be misconceptions regarding hypnosis and hypnotherapy.
Believe in your cra. Know this: You cannot x everyone – nor is it your
place to do so. What you must do to facilitate healing from within is to
help clients discover their own blocks, resentments and pain.
You are privy to the most private and, sometimes, traumatic elements
of a person’s life. Having a holistic approach entails using compassion,
remaining objective and viewing of whole as the summation of the parts.
When client’s need involves overcoming a habit or resolving a problem
such as anxiety, weight control, smoking or sleep deprivation – nearly all
of the time there is an underlying issue that may need to be resolved. As
a hypnotherapist this is your challenge to explore and bring it to surface
for healing and transformation.
Mastering your own feelings and responses is essential. Create a safe and
comfortable place in your oce. You are responsible for your clients’
safety at all times. You are to hypnotize and help your client for their
desired outcome.
How to build a successful career in Hypnotherapy:
Network – Network – Network!
Evoke your Passion. Embrace your Femininity and Evolve spiritually.
When we have passion – work becomes eortless. Embracing our
femininity is being in touch with our compassionate and caring side.
Evolving spiritually is to live with faith and hope as we aim to help others
transform.
131
Hypnotherapists have oen asked me for advice about building their
practice.
First, be clear on your intention.
What about this line of work excites you?
What is your vision?
Secondly, it’s your attitude.
If you’re condent and optimistic, you’re more likely to seize opportuni-
ties that arise and make the most of them.
Having clear goals, being focused on them and believing in you is crucial.
Get all the training you can.
irdly, seek to nd an reputable mentor and remember to “Pay it
Forward”
Get a support group or a coach.
Create workshops to educate regarding the healing properties of hypnosis.
Create rewards that reinforce positive behavior eg, buttons or stickers.
Bottom line, please remember these 3 E’s:
Evoke what was (the “Past” and the old story), Embrace the present (cur-
rent issues and feelings – the “Now”) and Evolve (achieve the desired
goal – the “Future”).
Listen to Your Body Talk
Your body can and does communicate with you at all times, such as when
you feel hot, cold, pleasure or pain. Yet when you go to work, out with
you friends and family, sleep, eat, dance, live your life, you are likely to
take your body for granted. Oentimes people don’t pay attention to
their bodies.
You may even stu your emotions into your body. Once in a while you
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may pretend the pain and the hurt you feel are not there. You can ignore
them for a while, but eventually they will surface in ways that may be
familiar but undesirable.
Maybe most of your life, your feelings, wants, and desires became con-
fused or controlled by other people’s needs and expectations. What about
now?
Are you ready to start taking control of your life?
Are you ready to take the time to become more caring and more respon-
sible for yourself? To begin living your life, respecting and appreciating
who you are?
You can begin by letting go of old habits that have been blocking your
true feelings. Let go of unhealthy habits that have supported and cush-
ioned you to this day. Let go of habits that have become a buddy system
and have since been working to your detriment. For example: smoking,
overeating, oversleeping, drugs, alcohol, gambling, insomnia, anorexia,
and many others that cause you to deny your true self.
Begin by creating or nding a safe place. is may be your own room,
your backyard, or a friend’s house. Remember, as you let go of your old
habits that mask your feelings, you may begin to experience or feel the
tension behind or beneath those habits. You may even have a tendency
to avoid the underlying feelings and resume your old habits- yet it’s ok
to allow the suppressed, hurt or angry feelings surface. Become sensitive
to what is happening within your physical and emotional body. Let your
feelings out, scream, cry or laugh. Let the knots of tension go. Knowing
that it’s going to be hard at rst, it’s time to listen to your body talk. It’s
time to trust and accept your true self.
e important thing to remember is that you do have a choice and
you do deserve better. – You Matter
If you do this for several minutes a week, you will nd that your celebra-
tion of You is richer and fuller than you have imagined it could be. In fact,
you might just discover that your overall happiness with life improves.
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Gratitude – ankful Meditation
is form of meditation allows your body to settle into a state of pro-
found rest and relaxation and your mind to achieve a state of inner peace,
and joy.
Quiet time slows our mind, calms our spirit, and centers our soul. It removes
our mind from clutter and outside hassle, that surrounds us and centers us
on something greater and more fullling. It provides opportunity to iden-
tify our desires, articulate our values, and align our pursuits accordingly.
In quiet and solitude, our mind gravitates towards the more important
things—the most valuable. We naturally focus on our souls, our fami-
lies, our friends, our health, our signicance, and our greatest ambitions.
You can do this by carving out some time for yourself. Sit back (back
supported with a pillow), uncross your legs and ngers, gently close your
eyes -(we see more with our eyes closed). Become aware of your breath,
sounds, smells… feel a sense of calmness within. You are safe.
Now allow your mind to wonder and imagine as if you are watching a
movie “is is your life”. Go back in time. Imagine seeing the time line of
all your actions,reactions, feelings, thoughts and experiences.
Become more aware and grateful for living through them. Simply ac-
knowledge as to what was, be present for what is today. Now you can
choose to make changes for the better. Project what you desire in your
life – how you want to feel. Immerse yourself in how this new image will
make you feel better, stronger, healthier, happier, successful, and etc.
Stay with the feeling – Breathe through it – Own it.
In closing – do what brings you joy and fullment. is work is about
helping others with compassion and the results are the rewards. Even the
treatments that might seem simple and small or purely cosmetic to some
people are life changing to others. I le a successful career to work as a
hypnotherapist and have never looked back.
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“I can either focus on what is tearing me apart – or what is holding me
together. I Choose Me – I Matter”.
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Ask Coach!
David Steele, MA, MFT, CPC
My husband complains that I don’t have time for
him. How can I prioritize my relationship with
many other important things like family, work, kids,
church, etc?
With all of the distractions, obligations, and personal pursuits in life, it
can seem dicult to prioritize your partner and your relationship. In fact,
some believe it is downright impossible. Huh? How can I possibly put my
partner rst? What about my kids? What about my faith? What about my
interests? What about me?
In our book Radical Marriage: Your Relationship as Your Greatest
Adventure, Darlene Steele and I highlight Five Promises of Radical
Commitment that we personally follow in our relationship. In our view,
this forms the cornerstone of any couple seeking to live together happily
ever aer. Radical Marriage starts with making your partner the most
important person in your life and not taking him or her for granted. You
don’t put anything else above your partner—not work, not home, not
family, friends, kids, hobbies, boats—nothing. You choose your partner
rst, always.
David Steele, MA, MFT, CPC
is a Marriage and Family erapist
and founder Relationship
Coaching Institute.
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Come Sail Away with Me
I love boats, sailboats in particular. I love the water. I’m most happy being
on, in, under, or near the water. It’s part of who I am.
Darlene, however, gets violently seasick. She is uneasy in the water. e
thought of even stepping foot on a boat can elicit motion sickness. She
naturally gravitates away from water.
How do we deal with this? By practicing the concept Choose Your Partner
First. A Radical Marriage means you are committed to each other, not to
your own self-interests.
Darlene, despite her feelings about the water, encouraged me to get a
boat, and then made it her mission to conquer her fears. I, in turn, do
everything in my power to make being on the boat comfortable for her.
Conversely, if necessary, I would let go of wanting a boat to put Darlene
rst. is works best when both partners put the other rst, otherwise it
won’t work.
Aer three years of owning a boat together, we bought a second boat
(that’s right, from zero to two boats in 36 months) in another state, and
we are selling our house to live on our boats. While Darlene still gets mo-
tion sickness in rocky conditions, she does well with medication in those
rare situations, and she loves our new adventurous lifestyle. We could
not have predicted our lives taking this amazing direction, which would
have not been possible if we didn’t prioritize each other’s happiness.
e Challenge
We all have concessions to make. We all make sacrices. We all need to
let go of things that we might want to be with a particular person. We
need to put partner before pursuits. We can consciously be happy with
that, or we can unconsciously never let go of that. We can decide to be
happy and stay in the moment, or we can tolerate our situation day to
day, staying in touch with how we are being denied what we really want,
137
always slightly aware of how our life is not the way we want it to be.
On the other hand, you just might be surprised how happy you can be
and where your relationship can go when you elevate your marriage
above all else.
Staying Strong Together
Choosing your partner rst doesn’t mean you are not prioritizing your-
self, your family, or anyone or anything else. It’s not either/or; it’s both/
and. What this means is that you recognize that you, your family, and
your kids will be much happier and better o if you and your partner are
a solid, unbeatable team and have a strong couple partnership.
If, for example, you put your kids rst, you have a kid-centered house-
hold, and that tends to not work very well for anyone. e kids get spoiled,
and the partner gets resentful because you end up living parallel lives.
Choosing your partner rst, always, above everything, is a form of radical
commitment, which benets all who are under its inuence.
Still, this concept can be especially tough for mothers who may feel they
are choosing the man over the child. is is not the case. It’s a matter of
prioritizing the relationship and the partner. Do you want your partner
to choose you rst? Most would say, “Yes!” When true partners act as a
team, this ultimately results in more empowered children.
138
Ask Coach!
David Steele, MA, MFT, CPC
What is the most important relationship skill? (Hint:
it’s not “communication”)
e single most important relationship skill is not communication; it’s
taking ownership of your “experience.” Your experience is what happens
inside your body and your mind in response to events. It is composed
of your thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. Your experience is
involuntary, it just “happens.” It’s neither good or bad or right or wrong.
It’s always okay, and always valid for you.
Your oughts
We spend a lot of time in our head listening to our thoughts. Sometimes
thoughts just pop into our consciousness automatically, and sometimes
we direct our thoughts with intentionality to solve a problem, express
ourselves, or make a decision. Some of our thoughts are judgments,
which is making a meaning or interpretation in response to an event
(right, wrong, good, bad, theory, explanation, reasoning, logic, etc.).
Facts vs. Judgments
You and a friend go for a walk. You say “It’s a beautiful day.”
Your friend responds “No, it sucks.”
You react with surprise. You can’t imagine how anyone could experience
such a warm, sunny day and say it sucks.
Your impulse might be to argue with them. “Are you kidding?” you say.
“Look at that clear blue sky. It’s a gorgeous day!”
is is a very small example of a huge dynamic that creates more rela-
tionship conict than anything else you can imagine. Let’s take a look at
this. You observe the following facts:
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e sky is blue.
e temperature is 76 degrees.
You are walking in a park.
Facts like these are typically measureable events, and they can be observed
through a video camera. If you poll 100 people about a fact, such as, “Is
the sky blue?” you will typically get almost unanimous agreement that
it is blue (except from the color blind!). If you poll 100 people and ask,
“Is the sky pretty?”, you are asking for an opinion or judgment and will
typically get less than 100% agreement.
Your experience of the day is positive. You interpret the blue sky as
“beautiful,” the temperature as “perfect” and “comfortable,” and your
body “feels good” to get exercise by walking. ese are meanings you’ve
created from your experience of the facts or events.
Your friend’s experience is negative. We don’t know why yet, but there
are many reasons why he might judge the day dierently from you.
In the above example, you have a critically important choice to make in
your response to your dierence of opinion about the day:
Option 1: Focus on the dierence (e.g. “Are you crazy? Look at that blue
sky and tell me it’s not a beautiful day!”)
Option 2: Focus on curiosity, compassion (e.g. “What’s going on for
you?”)
e unconscious knee-jerk response is to go with Option 1. is choice
discounts and argues with any point of view that doesn’t mirror ours and
leads to conict.
Option 2 would be a more harmonious choice, but it requires a conscious
choice to accept dierences and not impose our own experience and
judgments on others. While we might agree that it’s a good thing to do,
for most of us it takes eort to come from a place of curiosity about and
compassion for a human being whom we care about but who thinks and
140
feels dierently from ourselves.
e Importance of Ownership
e principle of ownership can be hard to grasp when our partner pro-
vides the trigger for how we feel and react, but the fact is that while our
experience is involuntary, we do have complete choice over the meanings
we create and the actions we take. It is not someone else’s fault that you
are thinking or feeling something good, bad, or indierent. ose emo-
tions are coming completely from inside you.
Behavior follows patterns. Nothing ever happens just once. If you don’t
strive to take complete ownership of your thoughts, feelings, and judg-
ments, you will follow a pattern of blaming others, playing victim, and
your life and relationships will suer.
How to Take Ownership-- A Four-Step Paradigm
I have found that the easiest way to take ownership of your experience
in a relationship is to keep in mind the triad of Facts, Judgments, and
Feelings.
Facts-- usually a measureable event (“the sky is blue”)
Judgments-- the meaning we make of the event (“the blue sky is pretty”)
Feelings--our emotions and sensations (warm, cold, happy, sad, etc.)
Oen, especially when we’re upset or excited, we make a judgment about
something and treat it as a fact. Some examples:
“You make me so angry.”
“You’re a jerk.”
“I love you.”
“War is hell.”
“Ice cream is good.”
ese are all judgments, and you might feel so strongly about them that
you believe them to be true. While they might be your personal truth,
141
they are not facts, no matter how strongly you believe them to be true.
Judgments start with an event or stimulus. Something happens that gives
us a certain experience. en, we react to our experience by making
meaning of it and forming judgments. As a result, our judgments stimu-
late our emotions, making us feel mad, sad, glad, fear, or shame.
is all happens in the blink of an eye.
We can take control of them, however. We can react consciously or un-
consciously. If we react unconsciously, we will act out our feelings and
judgments. If we react consciously, we will separate the facts from our
feelings and judgments and then decide what meanings to make and ac-
tions to take. is begins by reviewing the facts in your head and making
sure you’re not mixing in judgments.
Step One: Review the Facts
e sky is blue, we’re walking in the park together, the temperature is
about 76 degrees. I just said, “It’s a beautiful day”, and my friend said,
“No, it sucks.”
Step Two: Review Your Judgments
“Hmm, I believe it’s a gorgeous day, walking here is wonderful, and I
judge that my friend isn’t getting it at all.”
Step ree: Identify Your Feelings
“I’m glad it’s such a beautiful day, sad that my friend is troubled, not
enjoying it, and I’m frustrated and angry at his negativity.”
Step Four: Make a Conscious Choice
Once you’ve separated the facts from your judgments and feelings, you
are in a much better position to decide what to think, feel, and how to
142
react. Notice in the above example that the judgments and feelings are
mixed, which is common. If you are conscious you can choose amongst
the mix of judgments and feelings that you will embrace and act upon,
and which you will discard or leave alone. You might decide to focus
upon your sadness that your friend is having a bad day and choose a
compassionate response, and to discard your judgment that they aren’t
“getting it.”
e Power of Taking Ownership
It is our nature to have lots of thoughts, judgments, and feelings. It’s com-
mon to confuse judgments with facts because we believe them strongly.
It is common to confuse feelings with judgments as well (e.g. “I feel like
you’re so wrong about that!”). It is common to have conicting reactions,
such as “You’re a jerk” and “I love you” at the same time. While our
experience is involuntary and overwhelmingly strong and real for us at
times, as conscious beings we can pick and choose our truth and what we
say and do about it.
erefore, we are responsible for what we feel, think, say, and do. ere
are no victims in the conscious adult world. Taking ownership gives us
power over our choices and destiny, and thus is the key to a successful,
happy life and satisfying relationships.
143
Ask Coach!
David Steele, MA, MFT, CPC
I’m single and not interested in dating right now,
but my family is bugging me that it’s unhealthy to be
alone. Am I normal? Is being single okay?
More people are single today than ever in history. In the United States,
the marriage rate is declining with 44% of adults single, and 27% living
alone.If this trend continues, soon,the majority of our population will be
single. It’s becoming the new normal.
As a Relationship Coach, I have a positive attitude about most aspects
of human experience, including my slogan that Being Single is an
Opportunity, Not a Disease!
Being single allows you to live the life you want and become ready for the
relationship you want. Being “ready” for a relationship is a novel concept
for many singles. Many failed relationships shouldn’t have started in the
rst place because one or both partners weren’t ready for the level of
commitment and intimacy required to be a successful couple.
But not all singles are alike. ey come in dierent avors such as:
Temporarily Single--actively seeking a partner and in between
relationships
Recently Divorced/Widowed---recovering from loss and not ready
for a relationship
Frustrated Single--wants a partner, not able to nd one and gives up
Passive Single--wants a relationship but not actively seeking a partner
Single But Not Available--self-perception of being single and desires
a lasting relationship, but “hooking up” to get needs met
Busy/Distracted Single--absorbed in being a single parent, career,
school, etc. and doesn’t have time or desire for partner
Single by Choice--no desire for a partner, being single is a conscious
permanent lifestyle choice for many reasons, including:
144
“Been there, done that, don’t want to do it again
“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Ascetic or other religious/spiritual reason
Loner
Values independence more than couplehood
Polyamory/alternative lifestyle that doesnt lend itself to
cohabitation
Celibate/asexual
Financial reasons
Aging
Health
Is being single “healthy?” Yes, it certainly can be. Is being single “nor-
mal”? Yep, sure is! What matters is your reason and purpose for being
single at this time of your life. If you’re on track for achieving your goals
and the life you want, stay the course. If you’re feeling stuck and o track,
get the support you need from a qualied therapist, counselor, or Coach.
145
Ask Coach!
Carol Koziol, MA, PCC
Natural Conversations: Letting nature help you with
those tough conversations
Coaching is all about navigating change and change inevitably impacts
the people around you. Sometimes this means a tough conversation is
required. As a Coach I am oen asked for any hints on how to make these
conversations any easier. One suggestion that seems to work is having
the conversation outside.
Years ago while raising my two sons alone, I noticed how much easier
any conversation became when we walked and talked outside. Now as a
professional coach I oen take my clients outside to deepen our coaching
conversations. Many of my clients have also learned how to navigate their
hard conversations with others and themselves out of doors.
More and more scientic research demonstrates the health benets for
humans to spend time with and in nature. So could this apply to coaching
conversations? e answer is a resounding yes. For many years I have
been oering various types of coaching conversations outside and the
results have been profound. e following review discusses how natural
environments can deepen any conversation.
Carol Koziol, MA, PCC
As an ICF Professional Certied
Coach, she guides people who
have started to become a little
less young to nd the courage to
uncover and live into their own
"What's Next"
www.naturalcourage.com
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Nature is in our DNA
Our connection to nature is in our DNA which explains why we have
an anity with all living things. In 1984, Harvard biologist Edward O.
Wilson described this concept as “Biophilia”. ere is an intuitive link
between nature and well-being. Wilson observed that nature uniquely
inuenced the human mind and had the potential to inuence cognitions
and behaviours.
Many studies have found that people strongly prefer natural settings over
man-made environments and globally these preferences cross cultures.
All you have to do is check out oce cubicle artwork, travel photos, and
potted plants to witness humanities desire to bring more nature into
homes and oces.
Selhub & Logan’s 2012 book Your Brain On Nature presents research
showing that “exposure to nature-based environments is associated with
lower blood pressure and reduced levels of the stress hormone cortisol
… and is also responsible for higher levels of activity in the branch of the
nervous system responsible for calming us down” (p. 3). Yes I know we
all have stories that can attest to the fact that getting outside denitely
diuses stress and improves health!
ere is plenty of literature written about the human – nature relation-
ship. Richard Louv’s (2011) e Nature Principle suggests that modern
society is struggling Nature Decit Disorder and that people need to get
outside for daily doses of Vitamin N. And in the January 2016 Issue of
National Geographic Magazine the positive impacts of nature were cited.
“When we get closer to nature—be it untouched wilderness or a backyard
tree—we do our over-stressed brains a favor”.
Conversations aux Naturél
So knowing how good nature makes us feel, I believe it never hurts to
include a natural component into every conversation. Whether you walk
and talk, nd a special sit spot, or work in a green oce, conversations in
147
nature oers some valuable benets.
Endless possibilities are created outside when we work with natural
metaphors and symbols. Seasons, cycles, plants, animals, insects, soil,
and water can all inform and catalyze powerful breakthroughs during
the coaching conversation process. Sometimes a little breeze or buzzing
mosquito nudges an insight or provides an answer.
Another profound example of change came about aer a number of
outdoor springtime sessions. A mother struggling with ‘empty nest syn-
drome’ came to the realization that it was natural and normal for parent-
hood to biodegrade. is awareness allowed her to accept the end of her
role as an active parent and move on with the rest of her life.
Walking in nature helps the mind to quiet. While walking, the body moves
and everything that is stuck in the mind, can more easily start to clear.
A conversation that takes place in the open, oers space for moments
of silence and reection. is natural third space holds much unspoken
wisdom to come forth.
Eye contact is not always necessary while walking and talking or over-
looking a beautiful vista. is makes it easier to express issues that are
dicult, embarrassing, or painful. Crying outside is profoundly freeing
and extremely healing. One male client cried for the rst time in years on
one of our walks.
Outside in nature, we literally and guratively move outside our own
world and familiar pathways. We step outside of normal routines and
into new environments. We explore dierent trails helping to discover
new horizons. roughout this journey we begin to become more recep-
tive for unknown experiences, views, and initiatives.
And just as good coaches are taught to acknowledge a bright spot or life
spark in clients, we must remember to express gratitude to the natural
environment which helped co-create the coaching session and for life in
general. We always ask permission when entering the natural world and
148
then give thanks for wisdom shared at the end of our time together.
Inviting nature to become a part of any conversation adds another di-
mension to the process of change. When exposed to nature people in
general sink more deeply into their conversations and oen have more
profound shis of awareness. When was the last time you took that im-
portant conversation outside?
References
Louv, R. (2011). The nature principle: Reconnecting with life in a virtual
age. Chapel Hill, NC: Algonquin Books.
Selhub, E. & Logan, A. (2012). Your brain on nature: e science of
nature’s inuence on your healthy, happiness, and vitality. Mississauga,
Canada: John Wiley & Sons Canada, Ltd.
Williams, F. (2015, December 8). is is your brain on nature. National
Geographic Magazione. Retrieved from http://ngm.nationalgeographic.
com/2016/01/call-to-wild-text
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Ask Coach!
Carol Koziol, MA, PCC
Building a Council of Allies
At one time or another every Client has asked their Coach … “what do
you think?” Most professional coaches will continue to ask questions
nudging their clients to creatively look for perspectives and solutions to
resolve their obstacles or challenges.
Quite by accident I created a uniquely successful process that I continue
to share with my clients enabling them to nd their own answers to the
question “what should I do?”
~~~~~
In a remote part of the Chilcotins Mountains in British Columbia, liv-
ing in a log cabin was idyllic but aer a time oen le me feeling alone
and isolated. No cell service, patchy internet, and questionable human
contact did not provide a lot of quality social stimulation. Pulling from
a variety of vision fast and cultural traditions, the spontaneous creation
of a Campre Council emerged as one method to generate archetypal
support for complex problem solving in this remote setting.
Sitting outside by a roaring outdoor campre early one spring evening, I
found myself yet again struggling with the question of whether to stay in
my cozy log cabin or head back into the big city for more social interaction
and intellectual stimulation. Repeating the question out loud, I waited a
moment and then took a new position by the re. Conjuring up an image
from memory, I invited my departed dear old Great Uncle Alexander to
provide some wisdom. Not surprisingly, his archetypal essence did spark
an unthought-of viewpoint for me to consider.
Aer thanking him for his wisdom, I moved into another position around
the campre, asked the same question and invited the archetypal essence
of my best friend Vickie for advice. Once again I received another piece
150
of information to consider. Repeating this process a few more times,
enabled me to glean additional perspectives from my departed sister
Natasha, Coach Chris, Grandmother Moon, and an archetype of my
Future Self named Natura.
I also set aside an unnamed place in the circle and invited the universe
to spontaneously send along any other wisdom. Unexpectedly, Michael,
a former lover showed up. Expressing gratitude for all the additional
information, I became fully empowered to make a more complete deci-
sion which led me out of the mountains and eventually back to graduate
school.
~~~~~
Continually rening the process, I now call quickie council meetings in
the shower or on a hike. I have learned to trust my Council of Allies by
clearly asking for input around a specic question and from a variety of
human and more-than-human sources. With this practice rmly estab-
lished, I now share the technique with others who may be searching for a
dierent and perhaps unorthodox avenue of support.
I discovered that this program had the same foundational components as
the ancient traditional practice of Council or being in circle as evidenced
in Indigenous, Quaker, and many other cultures is process involved
surrounding oneself with imaginary entities or a virtual circle of allies.
With its simplicity, shis in perspectives were created eventually leading
to more balanced solutions.
One of the most important concepts of the council of allies was the plu-
rality of support. We are always surrounded by more than one archetypal
ally. is was a healthy oset for rigid controlling egocentricity. It was
wiser to listen to the many voices of the allies than to be ruled by the nasty
voice of the inner critic!
Inviting non-human entities or energies into the circle broadened the
eld from which guidance could be obtained. Much could be learned
from listening with your whole being to the archetypal wisdom that a
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buttery, bear, babbling brook, or bright moon had to oer. By learning
to listen deeply with all our heart the place of imagination could be found.
It was during this reective heart-felt pause that people moved forward
by rediscovering themselves. By deeply noticing their surrounding world
including archetypal messages from invited guests, an answer, image, or
visceral feeling always emerged to further inform the query, dilemma, or
messy situation at hand.
Building a Council of Allies is a repeatable process encouraging people
to slow down, clearly articulate an issue, and invite the essence of more
than one energetic entity to generate guidance and wisdom. Connecting
to the soul of the world always provided comfort and balance against our
increasingly chaotic and human focused culture.
~~~~~
Next time you are looking for some guidance and there is no one around
to talk to … try building a council of allies … they will always give you
an answer!
152
Ask Coach!
Danny Donayre
How do I continue to love someone who has wronged
me without feeling like a doormat?
is is such a thoughtful question. Simply by its innate desire to preserve
love through emotional conict and struggle, it inspires a profound en-
thusiasm to support that compassionate desire. It reminds us to explore
and consider the immeasurable power of compassion and kindness as
a transformative force, not only in our individual lives, but also in our
shared communities and societies as a whole. All questions expressed
aloud hold that magic. ey are a portal through which shared discovery
and inspiration begin. When I consider this particular question, as with
all inquiries, the framing and prospective applied is of key importance.
We must be sure and search deep within ourselves to assess what reso-
nates as truth and what is simply a reoccurring pattern of fear, resentment
or habitual thinking. Let us look more closely at our doormat analogy
and think about what that would actually look like, the laying down
continually to be stepped on and soiled by seemingly thoughtless and
ungrateful people, trapped by inaction, defenseless and unheard. Even
as I envision these words I intuitively realize that a better analogy exists
for us. In our moving away from judgment or demand toward those who
have wronged us or disappointed us, we are never truly at or lifeless
Danny Donayre
is a certied life coach,
transformational hypnotherapist,
author & producer of inspirational
media.
153
like a doormat. We can actually become more alive and owing, like a
river. is is the analogy I would now invite us to embrace and explore.
In this new exploration, our love and forgiveness becomes the navigable
current to somehow move our own goals and passions forward. We are
not silent, instead we sing the cool rush of a land made rich and fruitful
by our nourishing gis of patience and understanding. In this way peo-
ple can never step onto us they can only step into us. Now, emerged in
our deeper and higher love, there is the potential that even they can be
quenched of their own dry or baron perspectives. As we aspire to rise
above our own conditioned responses, those around us are given a fresh
perspective by this newly moving and owing example.
In this analogy, I mean to oer us the choice to be less concerned with
who might be worthy of our spirit’s boundless waters, and to instead
know that we ourselves are worthy and powerful enough to wash over
everyone with these enlivening choices of love and forgiveness. With
this motivating shi in perspective and denition, now every struggle
and challenging person will only be an opportunity for our river to reach
farther, ow deeper and feed more fully the countless people and plac-
es that we can touch, help and heal, precisely by our own growing and
deepening!
I believe that we can continually brighten and bless ours lives, more and
more, by the way we brighten and bless the lives of others. In this way,
the greater the forgiveness, kindness, understanding and love we oer
others, the greater our own benet. We will feel fuller, happier, stronger
and more alive by our every struggle turned to joy within our own hearts
and returned as compassion and condence and laughter and love!
Whenever possible I like to add an extra dose of poetic inspiration for our
collective challenges in this shared human experience. Let us look again
at our doormat analogy or any analogy that suggests protecting ourselves
from the power of someone else’s disrespect or oense. Here I invite us
to embrace the reminders of mystics and physicists alike, that we are all
an eternal ball of endless creative energy, exquisitely created to express
that stardust glow of innite potential in every magical and mysterious
154
way that can ever be imagined. We are, as all of nature, able to endure all
seasons and still stand, holding within us the most brilliant blossoming
this world could ever know. Imagine that the winds and the storms of our
lives are only the scattering of our unique and sacred seeds. In times of
pain and heartache, cry with a joyous remembering that every tear fallen
is a precious drop to feed the promise of a bright and beautiful harvest!
ese imaginative words and ideas are only meant to support our every
opportunity to step forward into a new framing and perspective. e goal
of empowered imagination is to be in action and not in re-action for our
most fullled and satisfying life. e doormat will endure the same abuse
and sadness of yesterday’s trampling, but somehow the river will move
beyond all the tortures of yesterday. As the river, we can move toward a
more constant and vibrant life journey along the replenishing waterways
that are: our own passions and joys and dreams, and gis to be given
in this world. In your life right now and forever more, you can actually
move away from overly focusing on what is right and wrong in others
and be much more focused and fullled by what can be better and better
in you!
Only allow yourself the opportunity to be like the river and everything
around you changes at once. e oender becomes the valued lesson, the
fool becomes the developing student, the pain becomes the invaluable
teacher and the joy becomes the reminder that we too are all these things
at some point in our lives. You just might nd that by loving all of these
things we can love ourselves more fully, and be more like that fresh, ow-
ing, condent, grateful, beautiful and powerful river!
I invite you again with joy and gratitude to just imagine that transforma-
tion, because once you are the river, you can only be treated as the river.
Love & inspiration, Danny Donayre
155
Author Bios
Dr. Chérie Carter-Scott, MCC from International Coach Federation
with over 10,000 hours; she is the original Life Coach and founder of
the Coaching Industry. Dr. Chérie is a Master Coach who trains people
to become executive and/or life coaches through MMS Institute, LLC
(USA), MMSWI, BV (NL) and Motivation Coaching Service, Ltd
(Bangkok, TH). To learn more about Dr. Chéries coach trainings, go to
their websites:
http://www.motherofcoaching.com/
www.drcherie.com
www.themms.com
www.themms.eu
www.mmsvt.com; and
www.negaholics.com
ey can also be reached by phone (800) 321-6342 or contact info@
themms.com for more information about MMS Coach Training.
156
Author Bios
Michael A. Pomije, PCC is a Professional Certied Coach (PCC)
credential by (ICF) and is an Executive Life Coach, Facilitator and
Mentor.
He believes that through coaching and training, people can learn how
to transform themselves into powerful individuals, discovering their
passion, and maintaining balance in their personal and professional
lives.
Married since 1993, one of his favorite coaching topics is creating
successful and satisfying relationships. Michael brings his experiences
to his coaching practice to support executives in optimum health,
achieving results, managing family demands, and work-life balance.
With his love of traveling, he trains in US, Asia, and Europe with the
ACTP and ASCTH programs (accredited by ICF). He holds a BA degree
in Business Management. He would never ask of his clients to push their
limits he didnt lead the way.
157
Author Bios
EFT Master, Carol Look is an author, speaker, coach, and creator of
her signature coaching method, “e Yes Code.” Carol loves helping
coaches and lay people release their sabotage behavior so they can move
forward in their lives with grace and ease.
Carol is a world-renowned speaker and workshop presenter. She is a
frequent guest on Global Telesummits, is featured in the eld’s leading
documentaries on Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), and is a
primary coach in the movie, Leap. Carol has authored popular books in
the EFT eld, most notably Attracting Abundance with EFT. She has
also created high quality training products to help coaches expand their
skills and create lasting results for their clients.
Carol runs her ICF- accredited Yes Code Coach Program for
practitioners who are passionate about coaching others to lead lives of
exceptional success.
For more on Carol’s work, please visit www.CarolLook.com
158
Author Bios
Kristin Grayce McGary is an author, speaker, trainer, and expert in
holistic, comprehensive, functional, and individualized health care. She
speaks on diverse topics, including functional blood chemistry analysis,
ketogenic gut repair, and e 10 Shocking Reasons You May be Sick and
Tired so that you can become an informed and empowered advocate
for your and your family’s health care. She weaves over 20 years of
experience, education, wisdom, and profound compassion to provide
opportunities to heal on all levels. She artfully blends dozens of healing
modalities such as acupuncture, homeopathy, advanced craniosacral
and somatoemotional release therapies, Lifeline technique, dolphin
assisted therapy, and extensive lifestyle and nutritional support, to guide
you on a transformative path to optimal wellness. She embodies her
work through authentic relating practices, ve-element sacred cacao
meditations, Argentine tango, Tribal style belly dance, and cycling. She
is a wife, mother, and grandmother.
www.kristinmcgary.com
159
Author Bios
Dr. Jane Cox is a world-renowned human behaviours expert, business
coach, and a specialist on the psychology of wealth and wealth creation.
She is also an in-demand speaker, sharing stages around the world with
the likes of Nick Vujicic and Chris Gardner.
A qualied doctor of psychology, with two other doctorates, and
several other post-graduate qualications, she brings a unique blend of
theoretical knowledge and real-world expertise. She is the founder of the
Total Life Dynamics” coaching system, and has a cadre of coaches in
the UK, Holland, Belgium, South Africa, and the Caribbean.
Jane works with clients on programmes covering wealth, business
development, and personal growth, with a focus on creating lasting
change; she has a real passion for giving people not just the knowledge
they need to make their lives better, but also the methods & tools to
make those changes happen. Her passion is helping people to live a life
they love.
160
Author Bios
Tim Johnson is a success coach who helps people get business results
and personal fullment. Tim has a demonstrable track record in the
entrepreneurial space having built not one but two multimillion dollar
businesses (both over $5m turnover) from start up. But he has also
experienced signicant setbacks, losing his arm in a car crash and
relationship breakdowns both personally and in business.
With an MBA and an engineering degree Tim has a passion for
discovering how things work and how to make them scale. Working
through his challenging experiences Tim has dug deep and studied
diverse spiritual approaches. He has packaged the wisdom in a practical
and accessible ways to enable personal and business growth for people
searching greater meaning and success in their lives.
Tim is also author of e Success Book – how to grow yourself and your
business, published by LID publishing.
www.meaningfulsuccess.co.uk
161
Author Bios
Donna Stoneham, Ph.D. Certied Integral Coach® is a master
executive coach, author, transformational leadership expert, speaker,
and popular media guest who lives in Northern California. For over
twenty-ve years, shes guided several thousand Fortune 500 and not-
for prot leaders, teams, and organizations to unleash their power to
thrive™ in work and life. Donna is the author of the award winning
book, e river’s Edge: Seven Keys to Transform the Way You Live,
Love, and Lead named by BuzzFeed as “Nine Awesome Books for your
Kick-Ass Career.” Donna has been featured in the Wall Street Journal,
TD Magazine and Investor’s Business Daily. She is President of Positive
Impact, LLC www.positiveimpactllc.com and co-creator of Integral
Intelligence® www.integraliq.com and is featured as one of the world’s
leading coaches in the documentary, Leap, e Coaching Movie (2017).
Take Donnas river Quiz at www.DonnaStoneham.com and follow her
at donnastoneham@twitter.com and DonnaStonehamPhD@facebook.
com.
162
Author Bios
Ellen Rich, MBA has a varied background working in many
organizations from Fortune 500’s to Start Ups. Aer 30+ years in the
corporate world, she decided to change her focus helping others with
changes encountered aer age 50.
She started act2.expert with the focus of working with clients facing lifes
transitions and mentoring them to generate unlimited possibilities for
change. To date, she has worked with over 150 clients and uses eastern
and western tools and methodologies. Ellen has a BA in Psychology
from the University of Colorado and a MBA in Marketing from e
George Washington University.
Her philosophy is like Rumis quote, “Everyone sees the unseen in
proportion to the clarity of his heart, and that depends upon how much
he has polished it. Whoever has polished it more sees more -- more
unseen forms become manifest to him.
163
Author Bios
Donna Davis is a modern day Change Agent disguised as e
Menopause Fairy who celebrates the Magic, Mystery and Mayhem of
Midlife.
is creatrix enjoys nature, food, laughter and adventure. On any given
day you can nd her sharing smiles as well as a little mischief.
Donna has been an educator for over 30 years, using humor as an
eective teaching tool. She cherishes the journey of life, learning and the
pursuit of dark chocolate all over the world.
Dedicated to the ‘Adventures in Menopause’ Revolution, this Fairy is
taking bold action to educate, celebrate and collaborate with women in
all phases of life around the globe. Its time to take charge of your change
and ensure a brighter, balanced, and bold NOW!
164
Author Bios
omas Gelmi stands for measurably more impact in leadership,
teamwork and customer interaction by developing personal and
interpersonal competence. With almost three decades of professional
experience and a track record of more than een years in the eld of
learning and development, omas has trained and coached leaders on
all levels, mainly in Europe but also in the U.S., Canada, the Middle East,
Asia, Australia and Africa. Based in Switzerland, his full prociency in
four languages (En, Ge, It, Fr) combined with excellent international
references makes him a highly sought aer, reliable partner for
individuals and organizations across various industries and cultures.
Client partnerships include global corporations like Siemens, Roche,
Syngenta, Ford, Swiss Re and Credit Suisse, numerous SMEs and private
clients.
Contact information:
omas Gelmi - InterPersonal Competence
Movadis GmbH, Europaallee 41, 8021 Zurich, Switzerland
Tel: +41 56 535 7996, Web: www.thomasgelmi.com
165
Author Bios
Sayeda Habib, PCC is an author, speaker, and certied coach. Her
passion and vision is to make coaching accessible to Muslims all over the
globe. She appears on television, radio, runs webinars, and writes, all in
order to educate the Muslim community about coaching, and how it can
be used to help people create lives that they truly love.
Sayeda began her coaching career in 2004 and is certied as a
Professional Certied Coach by the International Coach Federation. She
is the author of “Discover the Best in You: Life Coaching for Muslims
She currently writes for a variety of Muslim publications and speaks at
Islamic educational events and conferences.
166
Author Bios
Lynn U Stewart, PCC. Aer an adventurous life with careers in
education and hotel managment Lynn became the rst MMS certied
coach trained personally by Dr. Chérie Carter-Scott. In 1979 she went
on to lead the MMS organization as its President and CEO. In 1981,
she opened the rst remote oce in Aspen Colorado. She assisted in
training coaches across the US then expanded the organization globally
by moving to Amsterdam, Holland. She lives there today as Director of
e MMS Worldwide Institute.
e MMS Worldwide Institute became accredited by the (ICF)
International Coach Federation in 2013 and presents both the ACTP
and the ACSTH. Because of their ethical guidelines, MMS believed
that ICF would bring a new level of professionalism to their clients,
graduates, and students as well as to the coaching industry.
Lynn@themms.com
http://www.themmsinstitute.com
167
Author Bios
Christy Whitman is a transformational leader, abundance coach
and the New York Times bestselling author of two books, including
e Art of Having It All. She has appeared on e Today Show
and e Morning Show and her work has been featured in People
Magazine, Seventeen, Womans Day, Hollywood Life, and Teen
Vogue, among others. As the CEO and founder of the Quantum
Success Learning Academy & the Quantum Success Coaching
Academy, a 12-month Law of Attraction coaching certication
program, Christy has helped thousands of people worldwide to
achieve their goals through her empowerment seminars, speeches,
and coaching sessions and products. Her life-changing message
reaches over 200,000 people a month and her work has been
promoted by and featured with esteemed authors and luminaries
such as Marianne Williamson, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Marci Shimo,
Brian Tracy, Neale Donald Walsch, Abraham-Hicks, and Louise
Hay. She currently lives in Montreal with her husband, Frederic,
and their two boys, Alexander and Maxim.
168
Author Bios
Liza Boubari, CCHt, CSMc, is a Clinical Hypnotherapist and Stress
Management Consultant who currently sits on the Executive Board of
the American Council of Hypnotherapy Examiners (ACHE). In the last
twenty-ve years there has been a growing interest in the connection
between the mind and body and its relationship to stress and disease.
Lizas knowledge of the corporate world is due to years of experience
in law oces as a paralegal and legal assistant. It was her own powerful
healing experience through hypnotherapy that led her to this science.
Changing course, she chose this path to help others. In 1997 she
founded HealWithin, Inc., a Healing Center for Mind-Body erapy -
and has since been expanding her practice in her community. Liza has
published three manuals “Heal-y Mind-Body”, “Stand Up to Slim
Down, and “Stomp on Smoking, which are now available on Amazon.
com. She is well known for her innovative 3E Event, seminars and
workshops on stress management, and the mind-body connection.
Lizas website is: www.HealWithin.com
818-551-1501
169
Author Bios
David Steele, MA, MFT, CPC is a Marriage and Family erapist
who fell in love with coaching and in 1997 founded Relationship
Coaching Institute, the rst and largest international relationship coach
training organization. Hes the author of the ground-breaking book for
singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life and the Life
at You Love and Radical Marriage: Your Relationship as Your Greatest
Adventure. Twice divorced, at age 50 he found and married his soulmate
Darlene, and together they sold their house and are living their dreams
of adventure on their sailboat while continuing their mission to help
singles and couples around the world nd and experience lasting love.
Websites:
www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com
www.RadicalMarriage.com
www.CoupleForLife.com
www.ConsciousDating.com
www.Radical-Dating.com
170
Author Bios
As an ICF Professional Certied Coach, Carol Koziol guides people
who have started to become a little less young to nd the courage to
uncover and live into their own “Whats Next.” Nature is an integral
part of Carol’s Natural Courage™ approach. Reconnecting to ourselves
through nature enables you to shed the issues disguising your true path
forward. With the process of clarity, creativity, and choice you learn to
create heart-centered changes while exercising your Natural Courage
muscles moving you towards your “Whats Next.
As an Entrepreneur, Mother, Earth Explorer and PhD Candidate, Carol
understands the challenges of navigating change and transition. Her
background includes working with thousands of people in over
three hundred businesses spanning careers in Health and Fitness,
IT Technical Training, Business Consulting, Project Management,
Workshop Facilitation and Professional Coaching.
Natural Courage, Inc.
ICF Professional Coaching
Integrative Enneagram Assessments
Facilitation & Natureshops
www.naturalcourage.com
171
Author Bios
Danny Donayre is a certied life coach, transformational
hypnotherapist, author & producer of inspirational media. His most
recent book, 7 Years in 7 Days: A Life of Now, is a weekly-guided journal
of original armations for inspired self-reection and self-actualization.
Danny co-produces a weekly FM talk show called Inner Journey with
Greg Friedman, and co-hosts a weekly webcast called e Secret to
Everything with Dr. Kimberly McGeorge. His latest creative project is
an inspired collaboration with gied teacher, healer & intuitive coach
Angelica Tonatzin, called Magic Happens, a comprehensive platform of
empowering media, live speaking, hosting, coaching & consulting.
Ask Coach
For years our athletes have had world class coaches
helping them perform at the pinnacle of their sport, so why
shouldnt we all have a coach, cheering us on from the
sidelines, offering guidance and helping us find our paths.
Ask Coach features some of the worlds leading coaches
sharing some of their most commonly asked questions, tips
on how to work with a coach, find a coach and make the
best out of your coaching experience. It’s your life, you
deserve to have the best support along the way.
Ask Coach Features:
Liza Boubari, CCHt, CSMc
Dr. Chérie Carter-Scott, Ph.D. MCC • Dr. Jane Cox
Donna Davis • Danny Donayre • Thomas Gelmi
Kristin Grayce McGary • Sayeda Habib, PCC
Tim Johnson • Carol Koziol, MA, PCC
Carol Look, LCSW, EFT Master • Michael A Pomije, PCC
Ellen Rich, MBA • David Steele, MA, MFT, CPC,
Lynn U Stewart, PCC • Donna Stoneham, Ph.D.
Christy Whitman
Compiled by Betsy Chasse
Cover Design by Jennifer Insignares
www.yourdesignsbyjen.com