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FOR GAY LOSERS

(especially the ones with a hero complex)

the

warmth

of

your

character

is

volcanic


there is no point to the fears you have.

time has past and history puts you in the right.

you have a right to be here a right to feel welcome



time has past and you are above all you fear.
you aren't going to have anything to fear in the future
you're halfway through
which means you're on your way out
halfway through is halfway out.

trees don't die the way people do.
you may get sick you may get pathetic but you have put it past yourself.

you were afraid
you didn't know what you were doing or where you were going
you didn't know your place
because it hadn't been made yet

and you've got it now you just have to fight your ass off for it. you've got to make people see you have to make them fear getting in the way of you and all you do for a better world.


{ It's ok to be in this place you had bad experiences in. | Locational Redemption }

history is gonna write you so violently compassionate


you've got to bring in that grimey hope that tooth chipping ferocity of the real

the reality is you have this and you've got to be violent with your demons to keep the inner Real.


there is a difference between them and the you i know you will be

you are already there. you just have to prove it, yknow?


please don't fucking misgender me

my name is ignatius and i use (th)ey/(th)em/(th)eirs

get it rite you fruity sequinned big hearted pieces of holy shit

if u see this zine going anywhere for over like $8 either i'm desperate or someone in the middle is fuckin gouging u

it deserves 2 be a pwyc (pay-what-u-can) zine thanx

take care of urselfs


life will go on no matter how many deaths happen

innovation will rise above and find new ways to live as our world is.

communities will support each other and learn love is vulnerability accepted

people are growing plants in space

and bicycling and dumpster diving

with rising sea levels we will build boats

we’ll make music instruments from old boxes and thread and knowledge of the physics of amplification

we make paintbrushes from the hairs on our heads

we spin yarn from our pets shed hair

and we journey on our muscles and desperation places because we don't know how else we could

the barter system is on the rise and

all I could ever worry about I can just as easily excite about how beautifully we will forge our way through

the earth won't die as long as you keep plants



i will never be as sickly in my growth as i used to be probably and some of you maybe didn't deserve me as stumblig as i was


but some of you didn't deserve me after the growing either and I hate you for how many of you there are and how bitter and untrusting and calloused you as a collective have made me become

i think about you every goddamn day
i think about what i must have done
was it the crying or was it the emotional weight i am inherently
did i push you in some way did i rely on you too much emotionally?
probably, seems likely
but you never fucking told me so
these memories of every interaction that you probably forgot keep echoing in my head analyzing everything trying to find the answers



would you have ever been ready for me?
would you have ever been willing to be part of a world that forces you to part with the world you feel more comfortable in
predictable
you know something and you see people and think you know what's going on



i am done hating me thinking i forced you to leaving without your confronting me about anything

to every person who left without giving me a reason


i wish i had that privilege


i hate you

it's not just that i’m intimidating it’s that you were all fucking cowards and you didn't care enough you didn't give enough shits


about how your behaviour made me go over mine in ways that have haunted me my whole life

I made you face your own apathy and you were afraid you’d do wrong by me so you just left and buried me and everything you felt guilty witnessing.

because you were afraid of your own disasterous, calloused apathy and you became afraid of thorns even when they weren't there anymore and you were afraid of me because i was poisonous i was toxic

but thats the thing with poisonous, toxic plants is that it's only if you touch me or try to eat me as i am

what are you even afraid of anymore?

and why can't i put the blame on you and go on

how I force the vulnerability out of people

because i am nothing but vulnerabilities and i don't fucking hide it

i think about how maybe this would be a breach of your comfortable zone of something you pretend is safety

the fact is,
sometimes i think about talking to you again.
i think about looking you up and trying to apologize for the thorns I’ve had when people tried to touch me when i was there



EVERY ROOM YOU WALK INTO WILL SMELL LIKE JUST BLOWN OUT CANDLES

THE WAX IS CHEAP BUT ECONOMY IS THE LIFESTYLE

THE WOODEN STICKS LEFTOVER FROM INCENSE AFTERLIFE

SHADOWS OF THE GOOD RISING UP AGAIN

I WISH I COULD BE ONE OF THEM

EAT WILD BERRIES AND SURVIVE POISON PLANT BURNS

SURVIVE BULLET WOUNDS AND SUICIDE BAITING DEATH THREATS

SURVIVE WHEN SOMEONE GOES TO YOU AT 5 IN THE MORNING ASKING FOR HELP

SURVIVE WHEN YOU KNOW WE MAY NEVER BE ENOUGH. CRYING WILL ALWAYS HELP CRY ANYWAY

USED KLEENEX TONIGHT

THE EXCORCISM THAT OCCURS WHEN 

WRITING MY THOUGHTS OUT OF MY BODY

DESTROY THE PAPER WE WROTE IT ON

DELETE EVERY VOICE RECORDING

EVERY SELF BELIEF ALL EVIDENCE I COULD HAVE BEEN OKAY I COULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ME

{ self exorcism }

FALLING DOWN HOLDING THE HANDS OF LOVED ONES I MIGHT BE OKAY

SING ME TO SLEEP WHEN THE LIGHTBULBS ARE DYING

HOLD MY HAND AND LISTEN TO THE HEART MONITOR BEEPING

ALWAYS ALWAYS RESUSCITATE 

I AM PULLING TIDES AND SCREAMING STRANDED AT SEA

FALLING DOWN HOLDING THE HANDS OF LOVED ONES I MIGHT BE OKAY

SING ME TO SLEEP WHEN THE LIGHTBULBS ARE DYING

HOLD MY HAND AND LISTEN TO THE HEART MONITOR BEEPING

ALWAYS ALWAYS RESUSCITATE 

I AM PULLING TIDES AND SCREAMING STRANDED AT SEA

FALLING DOWN HOLDING THE HANDS OF LOVED ONES I MIGHT BE OKAY

SING ME TO SLEEP WHEN THE LIGHTBULBS ARE DYING

HOLD MY HAND AND LISTEN TO THE HEART MONITOR BEEPING

ALWAYS ALWAYS RESUSCITATE 

I AM PULLING TIDES AND SCREAMING STRANDED AT SEA

 THE HORIZON KILLS AND I'M GONNA MAKE IT SOMEHOW 

YOU MIGHT HAVE KILLED ME TEN THOUSAND TIMES BUT YOU UNDERESTIMATED MY ABILITY TO BE REBORN

I don't remember writing this
I don't remember who it is to

title:

the first kindness you showed me was giving me the pit of a fruit you ate through to plant

like a seed in my heart growing it stretched out into my own heart

strings pulling together

a harp sound ; with my lungs breezin

And ever since you fed it in me the desire to get more life is running

These batteries won't turn off and I'm 

just barely clinging on alive - all the time

I am the delicate balance between growing and drowning in all the water

I flood through my roots

Grasping

One day I want to see you again and I won't be on fire I'll be on water. I will
be different in all the good ways. if you wish to recognize the beast you made me
I'm going to find my own forgiveness one day | I want to give you hope
maybe

and if i can't drown in my own love of the self maybe i'm just supposed to thrive in the water

My love for you is like that date palm from ancient Egypt they managed to get to germinate
Bring my vivacity back from extinction

I want to be strong like
I want to be a hope giver
I want to be a rainforest of trees,
nature, birds, leaves, bushes, fungi,
ameobi resurrected from my own grave

After the worst fire on record

{ this is just plagiarism. its from that song by the mountain goats }